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Full text of "Punch"

LONDON : 

PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 



AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLER!?. 

1896. 




BRADBCRY, AONEW, & CO., LD., PRINTERS, 
LONDON AND TONBRIDOK. 



JUNE 27, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



iii 




IXION himself, by all that 's wonderful ! " said Mr. PUNCH, addressing in defiance of mere mundane injunction 
the Man at the Wheel. 

" Mr. PUNCH and none other, by all that 's delightful ! " responded the Thessalian, trimming his bicycle lamp as 
tenderly as a masher tittivates his budding moustache. 

" Happy to meet you, I 'm sure anywhere ! " smiled the omnivagant Sage, pleasantly. " But how on earth did you 
get out of Hades and into Heav well, say Olympus ? " 

" On my Wheel," answered IXION. " It has proved a Wheel of Fortune to me in the long run. I fancy I hold 
the record for long distance, anyhow." 

" But how did you contrive to turn your wheel of torment into a Rota Fortuna, IXION ? " 

" As DISRAELI who was a man after my own heart made me write in JUNO'S album, ' adventures are to the adven- 
turous.' MERCURY who is not a bad fellow for a turnkey first gave me the tip. In this epoch the Wheel rules the world ! 
Olympus is awfully Conservative. But Olympus is also dull as your Philosopher said most Conservatives are. And Olympus, 
like the Greeks, is always glad of ' some new thing," if it be adroitly introduced. Now DISRAELI and I shared that useful know- 
ledge how to educate a Conservative party like the followers of JOVE or DERBY without scaring it into revolt. Olympus 
especially the she-side of it was awearying for some novelty which was not as old as the hills or as stale as the New 
Fiction. To be brief, I cleverly converted my wheel of torture, and the chains wherewith I was bound thereto MERCURY 
winking while I worked into a Safety Bike ! Then he whispered to JUPITER and JUNO that I was having quite a good 
time on my converted cycle. Curiosity did the rest, and now VULCAN and his Cyclops (floated as ' The Etna Cycle Company, 
Limited ') are so full of orders even JOVE has to give six weeks' notice when he wants a new Wheel. Ha ! ha ! ha ! " 

" Ho ! ho ! ho ! " echoed Mr. PUNCH. " There seems to be a lot of human nature not only in humanity, but in 
divinity also. I presume you are quite a persona grata again especially with the goddesses? " 

" I believe you, my bhoy ! " said the Thessalian, with a wink. " Olympus now ought rather to be called Olympia. 
Your Miss PATTISONS, MARIE PAULES, and Miles. SOLANGES are not in it, either for zeal or pace, with JUNO, VENUS, MINERVA, 
and that tremendously tenacious long-distance championess, dear DIANA ! Are you a wheelman, Mr. PUNCH? " 

" Am I not Everything in excelsis ? " queried the Sage, coolly. " I wonder at your asking such a question ! I '11 
take you, or any of your Olympian ' cracks,' gods or goddesses, on at any distance you like ! " 

" On a cloud- course ? " asked IXION, archly. 



IV 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JUNE 27, 1896. 



: " Well, I 'in better used to grass or asphalte," said Mr. PUNCH. " And perhaps I 'm not so sweet on clouds as you 
are or we re my dear IXION. You, from long experience, are doubtless used to ' rolling in the air,' on a wheel ! " 

The bold Thessalian actually blushed, and his impudent eye fell before Mr. PUNCH'S significant glance. " I own 
that I prefer innubilus (Ether now," said he. " But we Ve all sorts of tracks in Olympus. You pay your entrance fee, 
and you take your choice. If you like to enter for the Golden Apple Handicap, JUNO, VENUS, and MINERVA will run you a 
race on grass, or ATALANTA will give you a start, as a newer and swifter Milanion, over the Three Pippin Asphalte Track, at 
your pleasure. As for me, I 'm your man at any distance, over any track, from cloud-course to cinder-path ! " 

" You always were a cheeky chap, IXION," replied Mr. PUNCH, drily. " But how do your Olympian ladies look on 
Wheels ? Do they don well, Divided Skirts ; and do they go gracefully, or humped and awkward, like too many terrestrial 
she-cyclists ? " 

" Look for yourself, Mr. PaNCH," responded IXION. " ' Here they come ! ' as your Derbyites yell, especially when a 
Popular Prince looks like to win. Peep through the cloud-rift, and you, Mr. PUNCH, like poor fPlNONE, 

" Mays't well behold them unbeheld, unheard 
Hear all, and, like young- PARIS, judge of gods 1 " 

Sure enough, there they came, Goddesses Three. " Great HERE," pearly-shouldered PALLAS, " Idalian APHKODITK, 
beautiful," all on the World-dominating Wheel, all in Olympian Cycling Costume, all working away at treadle and handle as 
for dear life, like mere she-mortals at a mundane Cycle Meeting. 

" What think you of my Three Olympian Pupils, Mr. PARIS-PUNCH?" asked IXION. 

" Humph ! " said the Sage. " Methinks, personally, I should have preferred them as they appeared of old on the 
piny top of ' many-fountained Ida.' Women on Wheels look less like goddesses than they do off them, in my opinion, and 
goddesses on Wheels more like ordinary very ordinary women. But I suppose the Wheel has ' come to stay ' for some 
time at least, in Olympus as in Hyde Park." 

" You bet ! " laughed IXION. " Why, even that pompous upstart, PHCEBUS, is practising biking at night on the strict 
Q.T., and I expect soon will be putting down his stables, selling off his horses of the sun, and doing his daily round on 
Wheels ! But look out, Mr. PARIS-PUNCH ! This course is two laps to the mile, and the Illustrious Three will be back 
presently, when you will have to award the Apple " 

" Not at all, IXION, my boy ! " retorted Mr. PUNCH. " I have a better and fitter prize for the Olympian winner than 
any Golden Apple. My work and my awards are not for a mere cycle, but for all cycles, and cycles of cycles, ' not for an age, 
but for all time,' like my friend, WILLIAM OF AVON'S." 

" And what is that prize of prizes for the Olympian winner of winners or champion of champions ? " asked Ixrox, 
curiously. 

" Not a mere Golden Apple, but a veritable Golden Book," responded PUNCH, displaying to the amazed and interested 
IXION his 



ne Jimktlr anfr Catjr Itohraie ! ! 1 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 



88 Hf.-or. I>av 
S Sexat. 8. 

10 M Q. Viet. m. 

11 To l>eicarte b. 

12 W Cellini d. 

13 Th Rt vol. 1638 
HF Valentin* 

B. Leiri. 




AQUARIUS, 
PISCES. 
ARIES. 



I Tu B. Merton 
4W Timbi <L 
6 Th Lay ard b. 
< F Iiu Mauri t 



S et.Bent-dct 
S 6 8. in Lent 

7 B B.r. en. 38m.!'ffliM Nat. Gal. 1. 

8 S 3 8. in Lent 24 Tu Q. Elii. 4. 
..... kjj w ud - 



4 M Cobbeti 
IOTuS.1. Sh.M 
11 W Inc. T. im 
12ThSt. Gr^tor 
13F iPrie.tle T 

lev b < 



A'JI, I>k. Cam. b. 
V-.V Cam. L.T. e. 
iOif. L. T. e. 



1|W Hil. Sit. e. |16ThTh 
ZThfobdend. 17 F {Franklin 4. 
SF Good Frid. 1-8 ICam.E.T.b. 
4 S S.r. Mi. 2Um.! 1'J S 2 S. af. Eai. 
t S Eaiter S. I2UM pa. fl. dn. 
M Uk. Holiday !21 Tu K<mth b. 
7T8.i.eli.41m.!|2:;W Odeiaabom. 

9Th Fire Iiii. e. li'J4 F Defoe d. 
F 111. Tiiulon.e U8 81. Mark 
8 Canning d. j26 S S S. af. Eai. 
S 'Low Sun. |?7 M Gibbon b. 

3 M iHandel d. h2-- Tu B. Toun 

4 Tu Fait. Sit. b.iea W Enip.Rm.b. 
IS. W ,l)r.Burneyd,|30,Th D. Arjjll b. 



1 F |8.r. 4h. 33m. 17 S |S.af. Ai 
28 ig.i. 7I,.'ilm. 1>M lB<wtll 
S S 4 S. af. Em. 19 Tu St. Dunian 
4 M K. A. oixrni 20 W Ed. Yatei 4. 
STuiNapol- t d. 21 TLX'awnnore 
6WiSt John 22 K IOif. E. T. . 
7 Th Roieberjr b. 2i8 M. lemon 4. 
2-t S 'li t Sun. 
2f. M lik. (lolidnf 
Rogation S'. S6T I>ch.Yorkb. 
Chatham d. 27 W Yen. Bed 
Douro '09 2.Th W. Pitt b. 
O. May Day 1 29 F i liai.II.ru. 
Aicexiion Kins 1 upe d. 1744 
O'Lonnelld. 31,S Trin. Bun. 



M 
1SlBiL.ml.il 

8 M -I). Jerrold 
9Tu!Paiton d. 
lOWjUeiliberg 
UTuStllarnabai 
12 F Dr.Amold d 
S3 Haitgi.btid. 



17 W 'St. Alba* 
1- Th Waterlo* 
19 F B. Warm 
208 tQ. Vio. A- 

S S 8n. a(. Tr . 

M Hajdon 4. 
23 Tu B. PlaaiT 
J4 W Cam.X.T.*. 
z;,Th li. AltiTia 
XF GM. 1T.4. 
278 Ouratks. 
is! S '4 8n. f. IV. 
J'J M St. FcUr 
J Tu Koicoe i 



TAURUS. 
GEMINI. 
CANCER. 



CALENDAR. 1896. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 



AUGUST mi Days. 



W B. Borne 
Th,B. Pl 
.r.8h.M_ 

. 8h.l7n> 
SB. f. Ti 

6 M D. York m 



17 P IPunchb. '41 
1818 Who. Cook d. 
iS S 7 Sn. af. Tr. 

20 M St. Margaret 



21 Tu Burnt a. 

22! W Sal 
23,Th I.yonct b. 



6|W|Ld. Bowed 
6 Th Tennyson b 
. Carol, d. 

.r.4!i.;;Vm 
SIS'lOSn. af.T 



21V iMid.elctd. 
22 8 IB. Boiworti 

8. f. Tr. 

Barthoio. 



7 Tu'J. Hu b 

8 W Shelley i 
9!ThP 

Bp. Pell 4 



if.Tr.Tj 
Sn. af. Tr, 
D.Orleani d 
Tu lias tile del. 
W S. Swilhin 
Th Beran?er d 



2'W Trin.Sit 
SThLd. Kib 
4|P Ld. Clyde d 



S W. Scott b. 
6'S llS.af. Ti 



SEPTEMBER zxx Days. 



OCTOBER xxxi Days. 



NOVEMBER xxx Days. 



DECEMBER xxxi Days. 



16 W Landor d. 
ITThYalunar.b. 
Is P Oeo. I. land. 
B8 IPoitierilSM 
20 S 188. af. Tr. 



Cam.M.T.b 
F Arago d. 
Allieri d. 
8 S. /. Tr. 



7:3 Etheldreda 
20 S. af. Tr. 



ITlhiOxf. M.T.*. 
t iGrimaldi kx 
i. M.T.e. 
20{S|4S. m Adr. 
21 M iMich. Slt.e. 
22TuG. Eliot d. 
23.W Jas. II. abd. 



Th Cron, 
4P W.La 

B 8.r.5h.21m. 

S I H 8. af . Tr. 



B. Nayarino 
21IW [Trafalgar 
J2,Th!B.Edge Hill 



. . 

21 M St. Matth. 

22 Tu Aut' 
'23 W B. Am 
24 Tli 8. Butl 
S5P iP 

1268 HLueknowrL 
|W S IW 8. af. Tr. 
P-i JNioopolii 
29Tu|Mich. Day 
Jerome 



Tu8.i.6h-29m. 
W1B. Plodden 
Th B. Qveinoy 



27Tu'Met 
ZS W IJ. Locke" d. 
29Th!j. Leech d. 
MI ISheridanb. 

All Hallows 



12'8 O. P. Riots 
13 S 15 8. af. Tr. 
H|M Holy Cron 
Rajghur 




SCORPIO. 
SAGITTARIUS. 
CAPRICORN US. 



Summer. 



1896. 



-JLu.-tu.xnn. . 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




SB 
Is 

? . 

II 



. 
H H 



^ 3 8 
O - w 

n 



* 



w 



H w 



5 o 
w 

H 



w II 

H ^S 

- H 






O 

ea 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




SECOND LABOUR. 'ARRY PLAYS BILLIARDS, AND 




MAKES A FANCY STROKE. 



"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




1 V 



THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 

THIRD LABOUR. 'ARRY CATCHES A CRAB. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 







O 

W 

tt 

D 
O 

m 



w 
> 

J 
w 

^ 

H 

w 



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ca 



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PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




f 



"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 

FIFTH LABOUR. 'AERY AT GOLF, 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 

SIXTH LABOUR. FISHING. 'ARRY GETS A BITE. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896, 



v^ A <r~^b&*' J 2. 




.\ 



"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY.' 



TENTH LABOUR. 'ARRY HAS A DAY'S "GUNNING," AND BAGS SOMETHING AFTER ALL. 



PUNCH'S 




PUNCH'S 

AFTEK SIIAKSPEJ 



K FOR 1896. 



CVPIP 

AND ' r 
PSYCHE 




/"EN AGE S." 

ERY LONG WAD. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 



\ 




"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 

ELEVENTH LABOUR. 'AERY OUT WITH THE 'OUNDS. 
(For the Twelfth Labour of 'Arry, which is a " Labour of Love," see find page of this Number. ) 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




CONTRASTS. 

No. I. MEN AND MANNERS. THE PAST. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896, 




CONTRASTS. 

No. II. MEN AND NO MANNERS. THE PRESENT. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896, 




CONTRASTS. 

No. III. MEN AND NO MANNERS. TIME PAST. A CAROUSE AT A TAVERN. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




CONTRASTS. 

No. IV. MEN AND MANNERS. TIME PRESENT. SUPPER AT A RESTAURANT. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1896. 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




w . 

K W 



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J J 
SH J 



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2 X 

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W 



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PS M 

O P 



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W W 
H H 



6 



PS O 
W g 

! 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 



fc. 




CO 

i_i M 



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Q | 

Q H 

O 3 






PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 




UNRECORDED HISTORY. VII. 

THE CONSTITUTIONAL INABILITY OF GEORGE WASHINGTON TO TELL A LIE WAS PROVERBIAL, AND THE HOPE OP SOME OF His SUPPORTERS 

THAT LATE IN LIFE THIS PHYSICAL DEFECT MIGHT BE OVERCOME, WAS DOOMED TO DISAPPOINTMENT. A DIPLOMATIC HYPERBOLE WAS THB 
BEST HE COULD EVER DO IN SPITE OF MOST PRAISEWORTHY EFFORTS. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1896. 



... \ 



\\ ,\ . 



\ s '' v 

' : V * <-\^ 




S a 

I-H &3 > 
> S 

*i H m 

fc 2 

w 

W f B 

o|| 

tn t> ^ 

5 a & 

W P3 ^ 

-H o 

8 5 g 
Q S a 

Cd O o 

n S 

f-J o 

ft! 5^ 

O o p 

n S 
ExJ p H 

2 I * 

2 M w 

l-| O B3 

I-* . & 

* S 

- w 



9 



I s 

n O 
8 2 
N, as 







II 




"THE TWELVE LABOURS OF 'ARRY." 

TWELFTH AND LAST LABOUR. 'ARRY WITH HIS 'ARRIET UNDER THE MISTLETOE. 



JANUARY 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




m. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR PHILOSOPHY. 

[HEHACLITUS was called " the mourner " from 
his weeping at the follies of mankind.] 

WHAT, weep the world's follies? That's 

playing the fool, 
Like a jester who droppeth his tears in a 

pool; 

'Tis like damming a deluge with water ! 
HEKACLITTJS had hardly the happy way hit, 
Tears will not check follies as well as gay wit, 

"Which giveth those follies no quarter. 
"What use at the goose-flock to groan or to 
grizzle P [fizzle, 

A laugh may succeed when a tear may mean 
And what is more dull than damp fire- 
works ? 

DEMOCBITTJS, Laughing Philosopher, knew 
That a man make look blue over fools till 

all's blue; 

That 's just how all pessimist ire works. 
A laugh has a lash, wit an edge far from 

blunt, 
They whip up, without wounding, when 

grumble or grunt 
Will only add anger to folly. 
A fool under scolding is like your dull asp, 
Who won't mend his form for mere whopping, 

alas! 

So let's be, judiciously, jolly I 
Untimely heroics, and preachments sublime, 
Are t* mpting to juvenile censors, whom time 

Will teach to be rather more rosy ; 
Not optimist boobies, nor pessimist bores, 
They will learn that wise gaiety oftentimes 

scores 
When foiled fall the pompous and prosy. 



And so at this solemn, yet soul-cheering 

season, 
All wise men, like Punch, mingle laughter 

with reason ; 
And though Eat t and West things look 

darkish, 
Punch does not mean joining the fussy or 

frantic, 

He sends a gay greeting across the Atlantic, 
A blend of the loving and larkieh. 




Sporting Underwriter. " WOULD YOU LIKE 
TO INSURE ? " 
Bold Bird. " No ; I 'LL TAKE THE RISK 1 " 



At somebody's folly he laughs, and derides 
The notion of shindylbetween the two sides 

Of one double-fronted fraternity. 
Faithful friends' falling-out for a time a 

huge bore is ; 
But here 's to the redintegratio amoris ! 

A love that should last to eternity. 
Away fly the doves with an olive-branch 

each! 
Good temper and fun better lessons will 

teach 

Than many more high-sounding Messages. 
Keep faith, at this season, in Peace and 

Goodwill ! 
Keep temper, and sure the New Tear will 

fulfil 

Mr. Punch's non-pessimist presages. 
HEBACLITUS, poor chap, was a little bit out ; 
A good hearty laugh may kill hatred or 

doubt, 

If 'tis not too bitterly mocking. 
" The Mourner" had best, on the whole, be a 

Mute! 
Laugh I Laugh ! save at sorrow ; the man 

is mere brute * 

Who at misery chortles ; that 's shocking I 
But Punch's first tip for this next of New 

Tears 
j don't weep at men's follies, nor laugh at 

their tears ! 



UP TO DATE. 



SEEING that the New Woman proudly dreams 

Of sharing Man's immunities and joys, 
The proper proverb for the period seems, 
" Girls will be-boys I 



VOL. CX. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 4, 1896. 




JANUARY 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




DONE 'EM THIS TIME I 

Huntsman (having galloped over rotten bridge, spanning deep drain, and kicked a large hole it). " Hi I KBEP OFF IT, YOU BBGGABS 1 
BEAR YOU l ^ Has hounds all to himself the acme of blisi ! 



STUDIES IN MODERN JOURNALISM. 
No. III. DORINDA'S DIARY. 

Monday. Oh dear I JEMIMA is such a nuisance 1 She has called 
three times in the last two days to implore me to spend next week at 
iwiddledum Towers. It is all very well for her to say that her 
husband the Duke, you know -will be heart-broken if I refuse; 
but I put it to you, dear reader, how can I do as she wishes, and at 
the same time keep my solemn promise to the Countess of PENTON- 
VIILE r The Countess would never, never forsrive your poor DOBINDA 
LI she disappointed her. By the way, the Countess's new boots are 
not at all a success. But, as I told her, how could she expect them 
to tit well unless she bought them at Messrs. LACE AND LEATHEB'S 
well-known shop, three doors off the Monument P * By the strangest 
coincidence, this excellent firm has a full-page advertisement on the 
cover of this number, so that you can find out all about their goods 
by referring to it. 

Tuesday. I felt very dull and depressed this morning ; but a cup 
ol DIBBS cocoa at luncheon quite restored me. (You must notice 
the trade- mark carefully when you buy it there are so many 
spurious imitations of DIBBS', you know.) After luncheon, CHABLES 
came in, and, since his tailor is SKIPS, of 540, Piccadilly, I need 
hardly say that he was dressed in faultless taste. He took me off to 
a very select At Home, where I was introduced to Lady SELTZEB. 

Dear Lady SELTZRB," I said, immediately, " what charming gloves 
you are wearing ! And yet I can see they are not expensive. Do tell 
me where TOU got them, and how much you paid for them." " Oh," 
said Lady SELTZEB, with such a sweet smile, " that 's what every- 
one asks me! Why, I bought them at Messrs. SHODDY'S winter 
which, by the way, ends in a fortnight's time, so you should 
o there at once and I only paid 2s. llfrf. the pair for them." 

* Having guilelessly undertaken to publish a certain number of these 

elightfully entertaining articles, we would not for The "World fail in our 

ition. But, as we did not bind ourselves to give the names and 

resses of the tradesmen herein insidiously advertised, we have substituted 

: our own invention. Aggrieved purveyors have their remedy. ED. 



Wednesday. " Where did you get that hat?" wrote SHAKS- 
PEARE, and the question was repeated to me a dozen times at a 
fashionable luncheon-party to-day. How stupid people are, to be 
sure I For, of course, no one except Madame MODISTE, of 320A, 
Bond Street, could have created it. Indeed, I and all the other best- 
dressed people in London deal with her. TOMMY PLANTAGENET, my 
thirteen- year-old cousin, came in to tea. He told me that he had 
noticed a charming costume, worn by a lady in the row of stalls next 
to him at the Pantomime. I hasten to give the details of it, for the 
benefit of my readers. (Paper patterns of it can be obtained for six 
stamps from the office.) The dress is made of magenta-coloured 
sequins, embroidered with muroir velvet and piped passementerie. 
The bodice is composed of white fichu, draped round the hips with 
blue nainsook, and the arms are looped np above the basque with 
scarlet tulle, while the skirt is trimmed with yellow revers, edged 
with chiffon. The lining is of reseda-shot satin, with accordion- 
pleated buckles gathered very closely round the tunic. One could 
not easily imagine a more charming design. 

Thursday, " Arma virumque," as HOMEB says which means, 
of course, that all knowledge is useful. So, darling reader, I hasten 
to impart to you a fact which I was told to-day. And this is, that 
no one in London has such splendid crocodiles as Mr. SHADBACH, of 
Upper Hollpway. This is worth remembering, as it is quite possible 
that crocodiles may become favourite drawing-room pets before long, 
and you could not offer your family a more acceptable Christmas 

present. In fact, a certain Princess Bother I that dull old 

Marchioness has called to take me for a drive, so I can write no 
more just now. 

A Grammatical Question settled under the 
Mistletoe. 

" Now a kiss, dear," he said, " is a noun we '11 agree, 
Bat common or proper, say which may it be ? " 
" Well, perhaps," she replied (to speak nothing loth), 
While she smiled and grew red" Let us say it is both." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 4, 1896. 



ROBING-ROOM RUMOURS. 

THERE is no truth in the report that, 
following the precedent about to be set 
by Mr. ASQUTTH, in appearing before Ms 
fellow Privy Councillors, many of the 
Judges of the High Court are accepting 
retainers to represent either Plaintiffs 
or Defendants in their own Divisions. 
At least this extension is not likely to 
be carried out just at present. 
* 

* * 

The proposed representation of "A 
New Pantomime," by the late Dr. 
KENEALLY, at Gray's Inn, will certainly 
not take place during the present Christ- 
mas. If the work is played at all, it 
will be without scenic accessories. 
* 

* * 

It is asserted that, at the recent 
r<eeting of the deputation from the Bar 
Cjmmittee with the LOHD CHANCELLOR, 
smoking was not permitted. As the 
proceedings, however, were of a semi- 
private character, it is uncertain 
whether liquid refreshments were dis- 
cussed with arguments of a less material 

nature. 

* 

* * 

It is not improbable that, with a view 
to removing the block of legal business, 
that some of the railway companies will 
run, during the present year, "High 
Court Saloon Carriages," in which ac- 
commodation will be provided for the 
Bench, the Bar, the solicitors, and their 
clients and witnesses. If the matter of 
venue can be satisfactorily arranged, 
causes will thus be ready for hearing 
during transit. There is already a re- 
corded precedent of a Judge granting an 
injunction from the front of his bathing- 
machine. 

* 

Now that the qualifications for mem- 




THE FESTIVE SEASON. 

ON THE LATCH-KEY VIVE 1 



bership of the Inns of Court Volunteers 
have been relaxed, and others than 
counsel can be admitted to the famous 
corps, it is possible the parties concerned 
in Chancery proceedings will be accepted, 
as recruits. It is argued that by this 
means the regiment will retain the 
services of wealthy litigants and their 
personal representatives "it may be 
for years it may be for ever." 
* 
* * 

As nowadays only one or two rooms 
are used in the Royal Courts of Justice 
during term time, on account of the 
absence of most of the Judges in other 
places, it has been suggested to utilize 
the remainder of the building for the 
production of a grand realistic spectacle 
on the lines of the capital military 
entertainment at Olympia. If the idea 
is adopted, no doubt the initial item 
will be called "Fifteen Years of a 
Junior's Life; or, From Call to First 
Brief." 

HEY, PEESTO! 

A CABLE message from New York 
says : 

A fifteen- ton disappearing gun was mounted 
in the defences of New York Harbour this 
afternoon. Four more weapons of equal size 
and the same pattern will be placed in posi- 
tion next week. 

Which thing is an allegory, neatly and 
picturesquely typifying President CLEVE- 
LAND'S famous message to Congress. For 
a moment, even for a day, there was the 
murderous armament, threatening the 
amity of two nations and the peace of 
Europe. People looked up again to see 
what further preparations were made, 
and lo! it was gone. It was a diplo- 
matic, or more precisely, an election- 
eering, disappearing gun. 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

ON NEPHEWS AND "HUCKLEBERRY FINN." 

IT has been granted to me during the last few days to study a 
soaring human boy face to face. The abstract " my nephew of 
whom I occasionally speak in passing has become the concrete 
"Guy, don't do this," or, "GuY, don't do that." Mv study is 
littered with paper darts of all sorts and sizes ; a clasp-knife is at 
this moment lying open on my favourite arm-chair, a catapult is on 
the floor (perhaps the safest place for it), and odd numbers of Chums 
are strewn about the house. The owner of these articles is dashing 
up and down the stairs, with a whole pack of dogs at his heels. 

GUY is an atom of humanity, tottering on the brink of his 
eleventh birthday. His fond mother consigned him to my care, 
together with a long list of instructions. " His usual bed-time," 
she said, " is eight o'clock. Please, please see that he brushes his 
teeth morning and evening, and keeps Ms hands clean. When he 
goes out he must wear his overcoat and his little flannel comforter ; 
and when he comes in you must always insist on his changing his 
stockings. Keep him out of puddles, and see that he does at least 
an hour at his arithmetic and Latin Grammar. He is weak in 
arithmetic ; but in Latin Prose he got full marks at his last exami- 
nation^ Don't allow him to make himself a nuisance to you. If he 
does, give him a good book of adventures, and you '11 find him as 
quiet as a mouse." These were the more important items in the 
compendium drawn up for the guidance of a bachelor uncle. 

So far I have done my best, but my best has stopped short of Latin 
grammar and arithmetic. I can remember how keenly I detested the 
genial old gentlemen who, on hearing that I had gone to school, asked 
me to decline mensa, and posed me with the perfect tense of /ero, 
and in my nephew's case I satisfied myself with his personal assurance 
that he had been able to translate into Latin these memorable 
sentences: "C^SAK marched into Italy with a large army," and 
"We were seen by CATTTS, your slave." A boy who can do that, and 
obtain full marks for it, is obviously reserved for very great things. 



For the rest, I found him fairly amenable. He jibs a good deal at 
his overcoat, and has contrived to lose his little flannel comforter ; his 
bedtime has been extended to nine o'clock ; I have utterly failed to 
restrain him from puddles (oar country roads, by the way, are 
nothing but eo many huge puddles) ; and I find it next to impossible 
to keep his hands clean, though he has immaculate intervals lasting 
for about three minutes at a time. But he brushes his teeth and 
he changes his stockings, so I feel that on the whole I have done 
pretty well. . 

OF course he collects postage-stamps. He also takes a pro- 
found interest in smoking and all that pertains to it. He goes 
about bristling with cigarettes so as to oe ready to supply my 
needs at the shortest notice. He is never without a tray, into 
which he knocks the ash from my cigarette as I smoke it. He 
has just come in and has posted himself at my elbow. Whizz bang, 
he has decided that I have finished my cigarette, he has seized it out 
of my mouth, hurled it into the fire, has jammed another between 
my lips and has struck a match and burnt the cigarette to a cinder 
before I have recovered from the shock. He has found a box of 
fifty cigars and clipped all their ends, and he has filled my ten pipes 
with tobacco so as to be ready for all emergencies. It is delightful 
to find a mere boy able and willing to make himself so useful. 

Bur his usefulness goes further. Only this morning I found him 
in the pantry busily employed in helping the butler to polish up the 
forks and spoons, and yesterday he was allowed, as a great treat, to 
take a hand in the manufacture of a plum-pudding. To-morrow he 
is to wait at table, a prospect which seems to fill him with unutter- 
able joy. On the whole he is really a very good and cheerful little 
boy, with plenty of resources for his own amusement. One thing has 
struck me about him. He weighs about five stone, and his size, 
therefore, is not gigantic. Still, in his little knickerbocker suit, he 
looks quite big enough for his years. But in the evening he wears a 
full-dress Eton suit, which has the effect of reducing him to the 
merest ecrap ; the most diminutive shrimp, I warrant, that ever got 
full marks for Latin prose. 

I PBAE there is a lack of reverence about the nephews of the 



JANUARY 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



present day. This one and I presume he is typical of the rest 
calls me familiarly by my Christian name without the respectful 
prefix " Uncle." When asked why he did this, he said, ' r Oh, I 
don't know, ' uncles ' are people with whiskers." As my whiskers 
did not survive my freshman's year at Cambridge, it appears that 
I am not qualified for the title, though I cannot shake off the 
responsibilities of the post. His ideas on age are also rather alarm- 
ing. " How old," I asked him, " is the head-master of your 
school ? " Oh, middle-agednearly thirty." 

BUT my chief surprise has been his keen and appreciative enjoy- 
ment of Huckleberry Finn. I gave it to him to quiet him, and he 
was soon deep in it. This evening he has insisted on reading aloud 
to me the whole of that inimitable passage which relates how the 
two old frauds, the King and the Duke of Eridgetcater, pretended to 
be the brothers of Mr. Peter Wilks, deceased. At every other 
sentence that boy had to stop, convulsed with laughter, and, mind 
you, he laughed in the right way and at the right things. This is 
no mere piece of knockabout clowning such as one supposes would 
appeal to a small boy, but a bit of the most genuine and incisive 
humour ever printed. I am, therefore, forced to the conclusion 
still assuming GTTT to be typical that the sense of humour 
amongst nephews of a tender age has become far keener and j aster 
than it used to be. 

BTJT, after all, what a great book is Huckleberry Finn. With 
how lavish a hand has MAEK TWAIN scattered the riches of his 
humour and his observation and his sympathy over every page. 
There is enough in it to fit out twenty ordinary books with laughter. 
There are bits of description in it which bring a scene before your 
eyes as vividly as if you had seen it over and over again and fixed 
it on your mind. Characters are hit off in a few incisive touches, and 
the man stands before you as he must have lived. 

TAKB this for description : " It was one of these regular summer 
storms. It would get so dark that it looked all blue-black outside, 
and lovely ; and the rain would thrash along by so thick that the 
trees off a little ways looked all dim and spider-webby ; and here 
would come a blast of wind that would bend the trees down and 
turn up ihe pale underside of the leaves ; and then a perfect ripper 
of a gust would follow along and set the branches to tossing their 
arms as if they was just wild ; and next, when it was just about the 
bluest and blackest fst ! it was as bright as glory, and you 'd have 
a little glimpse of tree tops a-plungmg about, away off yonder 
in the storm, hundreds of yards further than you could see before ; 
dark as sin again in a second, and now you 'd hear the thunder let 
go with an awful crash, and then go rumbling, grumbling, tumbling 
down the sky towards the underside of the world, like rolling empty 
barrels downstairs, where it 's long stairs and they bounce a good 
deal, you know." 

AND this: " Colonel Grangerford was a gentleman, you see. 
He was a gentleman all over; and so was his family. He was 
well-born, as the saying is, and that 's worth as much in a 
man as it is in a horse, eo the widow Douglass said, and nobody 
ever denied she was of the first aristocracy in our town ; and pap 
he always said it too, though he warn't no more quality than a 
mud-cat himself. Colonel Grangerford was very tall and very 
slim, and had a darkish-paly complexion, not a sign of red in it any- 
wheres ; he was clean-shaved every morning all over his thin face, 
and he had the thinnest kind of lips, and the thinnest kind of 
nostrils, and a high nose and heavy eyebrows, and the blackest kind 
of eyes, sunk so deep like they seemed they was looking out of 
caverns at you as you may say. His forehead was high, and his 
hair was black and straight and hung to his shoulders. . . . Some- 
times he smiled, and it was good to see ; but when he straightened 
himself up like a liberty pole, and the lightning begun to flicker out 
from under his eyebrows, you wanted to climb a tree first, and find 
out what the matter was afterwards. He didn't ever have to tell 
anybody to mind their manners everybody was always good- 
mannered where he was. Everybody loved to have him around too : 
he was sunshine most always I mean he made it seem like good 
weather. When he turned into a cloud-bank it wag awful dark for 
half a minute and that was enough; there wouldn't nothing go 
wrong again for a week." 

THEN for simple, unforced pathos you have the runaway nigger, 
Jim, one of the finest and purest gentlemen in all literature. And 
lor tragedy, can anything be more moving and terrible than the last 
stand of the Grangerfprds, or the death of Hoggs, with its sequel 
in Colonel Sherburn's imperturbable defiance of the cowardly mob, 
who propose to 1> nch him ? But I have not space to dwell on all the 
great points of this Homeric book for Homeric it is in the true 
sense, as no other English book is, that I know of. 

So I (and my nephew) send this message of goodwill across the 
sea to our friend MAEK TWAIN, at a time when messages of good- 



will and friendship are sorely needed. That the countrymen of 
DICKENS and MAKK TWAIN should fight about Venezuela is an 
idea so fantastic and preposterous that imagination boggles at it ; 
and even the mind of the worst Jingo of either nation must revolt 
from it when it is fully realised. 

P.S. A week or two back I asked about the National Pension 
Fund for NurseSj and expressed a wish to know the address of its 
Secretary. A kindly correspondent, signing herself " An Admirer 
of Mr. Punch of Fifty Years' standing," gives me the necessary 
information, which I hereby convey to my readers in the earnest 
hope that the fond may benefit : Royal National Fund for Nurses, 
28, Finubury Pavement, London, B.C. 



THE BEAUTYCIDES. 

" A THING of beauty is a joy for ever," 

Until there comes an advertiser clever, 

With paste, and poster, and some patent pill ; 

And then by stream and meadow, vale and hill, 

Taste feels, through greed's disease, by no pill curable, 

A thing of ugliness is yet more durable. 

Churls I they 'd foul Eden, or disfigure Arden, 

With Trade 's new-fangled " Ugly Thing in the Garden " I 

Shall they at Foyers carry on those feats 

Whereby Philistia gives the lie to KEATS ? 




"SOME OF THE BEST" OF REGULATIONS. 

(Prepared by an Expert after witnessing the new piece at the 
Royal Adelphi Theatre.) 

ALL officers belonging to the Portsmouth garrison will take tea 
with neighbouring parsons, and their daughters, in undress uniform. 
On such occasions the regiment of the subaltern, in attendance 
upon the Commander-in-chief, shall accompany their officer to the 
churches, belonging to said parsons, to the music 
of the fifes and drums. 

A lieutenant of Highlanders shall be told off 
to prepare the plans of the new fortifications at 
Portsmouth, in the absence of Royal Engineers 
qualified to undertake the duty. 

It shall be considered high treason if the 
lieutenant aforesaid takes the plans, he has 
himself prepared, from a safe with a view to 
acquainting himself of their contents, and im- 
parting the knowledge thus guiltily obtained 
to an anonymous enemy of his country. 

When accused of the aforesaid crime, the 
lieutenant shall be tried by court martial, 
whereat ample accommodation shall be re- 
served for females in distress. 

The office of prosecutor at suoh a court 
martial shall be assumed by a general officer 
senior to the Commander-in-chief at Portsmouth, and one who has been 
permitted to retain his A.D.C.-ship after promotion from field rank. 
The prisoner shall be allowed practically to conduct the proceedings 
of the court martial, and t hall have opportunities afforded him of 
taking part in several touching scenes^with the females in distress. 

On being found guilty, the lieutenant shall have his sentence read 
to him in front of his regiment, and undergo the painful and novel 
indignity of degradation to the ranks. 

Daring the execution of this newly-authorised punishment, the 
lieutenant shall be permitted to clasp his fiancee to his heart and to 
present her with the Victoria Cross. 

On reinstatement to his rank the lieutenant shall obtain the control 
of his regiment, and shall use his regained freedom to harangue his 
superior officers, to pardon his accusing and perjured witness and 
reconcile her to her father, the general commanding, and finally to 
embracing the young lady destined shortly to become his wife. 

The reinstatement of the lieutenant having been fixed to come off 
on the occasion chosen by the prosecutor at the court martial as one 
fitting for the presentation of new colours to the lieutenant's 
regiment, the prosecutor, in a neat speech, shall deliver the national 
flag to the ex-prisoner amidst the loudly expressed joy of all 
beholders. 

Lastly. After the reinstated lieutenant has received the National 
Flag at the hands of the prosecutor aforesaid, he shall give satifao- 
tory statistics regarding the crime of high treason in its relation to 
the commissioned ranks of the British Army. Having done this, 
he shall be at liberty to allow it to be inferred by all sufficiently 
fortunate to be present at the aforesaid interesting ceremony, that 
it is the intention of himself and his bride to live honourably, and 
consequently happily, for ever afterwards. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUABY 4, 1896. 




DIVISION OF LABOUR. 

IT IS NOT THE BUSIKESS OF DUCAL FoOTMBN TO CLEAN THE FAMILY BICYCLES. THE LADIES ERMTNTRT7DE AND ADELGITHA 

HAVE TO DO IT THEMSELVES. 



A PEOPHET TOO PEEYIOUS, 

(To the Author of the "Hill-top Novel.") 

THE " Survival of the Fittest" we begin to understand, 

(Though we sometimes doubt thejfacrf of the survival,) 
But the coming of GBANT ALLEN, with his notions queer, if grand, 

Seems an instance of its premature arrival. 
Many hundred years ahead of us, and yet " dumped down" to-day 

Among those who his far ancestry should be 1 
It is really quite " too previous " and the Fates must be at play 

To perch UDon our hill- tops such as he. 
When centuries get mixed up so, and there comes a saintly seer 

From the twenty-fifth, six centuries in advance, 
What wonder if we find his hill-top theories wild and queer, 

And decline at his new tunes to up and dance ? 
No. we don't want to catch up to him, and were he out of sight, 

We could wait for him six centuries, contented, 
But his spectre on the hill- tops fills the timid with affright, 

And drives advanced young ladies half-demented. 
Between good Mrs. GBTJNDY and Miss LANCHESTEK it seems 

There are dangers in our novelist's new leaven, 
It drives one to hysterics, makes the other dream strange dreams, 

But will it sweeten home or brighten heaven ? 
You dedicate your work to those who 've heart, and soul, and brain 

Enough to understand it I Modest ! Meek, Sir ! 
Can't you move a leetle farther good GBANT ALLEN, and remain 

Weft say about the middle of next week, Sir 1 

AN UNPEEDICrED STOEM. 

A STOBM of unusual violence, coming from the United Slates 
struck the British coasts on the 18th ult. The usual storm warning 
from New York had not preceded it. It was accompanied by loud 
thunder and blustering winds, and seemed likely to cause great 
damage. Happily a condition of great calmness prevailed over the 
British Isles, the cyclonic disturbance seeming to have little effect, 
unless to cause a temporary increase in the fog and gloom. Since then 
appearances give hope of greater clearness, with probably bright and 
settled conditions later. 

It is believed that this storm originated in a violent outburst of 



Mount Cleveland, a large volcano hitherto quiescent ; and of Mount 
Olney, a smaller, but equally active, centre of fiery disturbances. 
Until recently they were considered quite harmless. The Irish 
newspapers state that bath oraturs had bten for some days in a state 
of violent ebullition. Before this outburst the summit of Mount 
Cleveland was densely wooded, and produced a larger number of 
inferior planks, used in the construction of platforms, than any other 
headland in the United States. The present volcanic condition has, 
of court e, entirely superseded the production of these inferior planks. 



"DR. BIECH AND HIS YOUNG FEIENDS." 

JTTST before the holiday time a drawing-master was summoned 
before Mr. HADEN COBSEB by an indignant female parent for 
chastising her offspring. The master had merely anticipated the 
general season of gifts with a Christmas Box on the boy's ear. 
"The mother," observed Mr. HADEN COBSEB, with a staccato touch 
of HADEN' 8 surprise in his tone, "is within her right in complain- 
ing," and so HADEN the Politer never "the Corser'' fined the 
drawing-master three guineas, for which he had to draw a cheque, 
and bound him over in five pounds to come up for judgment when 
called on. HADEN the Politer well and wisely remarked that it was 
beyond his powers (as a magistrate) to imagine what course the 
aggrieved parent would have taken had her son been a public school- 
boy at Eton, Harrow, Eugby, or Winchester, where the birch, in 
some form or other, and on some form or other, or some part of it, 
was the rule of punishment, where the boy would be swished, and 
where the head-master's swish over-ruled the parent's wish. At 
Eton, and at any other public school, the boy "could take it (the 
swishing) or leave it (the school)," and would be only too glad to 
accept the "post hoc propter hoc" instead of having to retire from 
public (school) life. Every boy ought to know how to take his 
whack and be glad of the chance. Also, on certain occasions, he 
should be able to return the whack with interest. 

Mr. HADEN COBSEB is the Solomon of the Bench, and had he 
reminded the sensitive mother of that wise saying of the Wise King 
as to the sparing of the rod and the spoiling of the child (though in 
this case, it may be admitted that the rod was not in question, but 
only a handy mode of chastisement), it would not have been amiss. 
The " Block System " at public schools is a good one. Floreat ! 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 4, 1896. 




JUST OFF!" 



GUABD. " TICKET, SIR, PLEASE 1 " 



LITTLE NEW YEAE. " SEASON ! " 



UUABD. " TICKET, SIR, PLEASE ! " LITTLE NEW YEAE. " SEASON ! 

GUABD. " THANKEE, SIR I (Aside.) HOPE THE LAD WILL GET THAT LUGGAGE SAFELY THROUGH 1 



JANUARY 4, 1896. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




EVERYTHING COMES 



HIM THAT 'WAITS.' 



THE HAUNTED HAT. 

(Tag-end of a Ghost Story written for Christmas or any other time.) 

ANGELINA could not understand the cause of her misfortunes. All 
through the day she had had the luck against her. She had visited her 
favourite spinster aunt (from whom she expected to inherit wealth untold), 
and that usually amiable old lady had treated her with marked coldness. 

" I don't know what it is," said the venerable dame, "but there are 
voices in the air, ANGELINA, accusing you of murder, I can hear them, I 
can, indeed I " 

14 My dear Aunt, what nonsense I But there, I only looked in to show 
you my new hat. Do you like it ? " 

44 Well, no," returned the elderly spinster; 44 1 don't care for such a 
heap of feathers. The original material is completely hidden in a perfect 
nest of wings. The hat is suggestive of limitless slaughter." 

44 It is the fashion," replied ANGELINA, rather angrily; "and what 
is the fashion must be nice." 

And then the ruffled maiden, after a cold adieu addressed to her aged 
relative, took herself off. She visited several of her friends, hut one and 
all complained of the voices. They heard in the air accusations of assassi- 
nation. ANGELINA was " an accessory after the fact," and these cruel 
indictments quite eclipsed the success of the hat. The head-gear was 
pronounced here and there 44 stylish," but the cry of "murder" over- 
whelmed the praise. At last ANGELINA met EDWIN. 

44 What is the matter P " cried the girl, as her betrothed turned away 
from her in horror. 

14 Your hat I " cried the budding hamster. " Every feather accuses 



you of erueltyl The voices f the birds are chirruping out 
charges of brutality I " 

4 'But it is the latest fashion!" urged the now weeping 
ANGELINA. ' 4 Feathers are all the vogue." 

44 And to procure them the poor little songsters of the grove 
are massacred by millions I The parent birds are taken away 
from their young, and the fledgelings are allowed to die of 
starvation ! Your hat is eloquent of misery ! There is not a 
wing on it that does not suggest a tragedy 1 " 

The young man spoke earnestly. He had been called to the 
Bar, and spoke as if addressing a jury. 

44 Then you no longer love me 1 " sobbed ANGELINA. 

44 How can I?" replied EDWIN. "The birds are witnesses 
against you. I am folly aware of the consequences. I know 
the dangers of breaches of promises of marriage. But, ANGE- 
LINA, in spite of those dangers, in spite of possible damages of 
untold amount, I must withdraw. 1 can no longer be yours I 
All is over between us ! " 

"Oh, EDWIN!" 

And then not an altogether strange thing happened 
ANGELINA awoke. The retribution of the birds had been a 
dream I 

More was the pity I It would be well for the feathered tribe 
if such a dream could become a reality ! 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE STEEPLE-CHASE RIDER TO HIS MISTRESS 

THBBE'S never a sweetheart so dainty as mine, 

Not a lady so loving and fair 
From the Rhone to the Rhine, from the Thames to the Tyne, 

There 's not any with you to compare ! 
Your eyes are as bright as the sun's subtle light, 

Yet as soft as the moon on the sea, 
And your form has the grace that belongs to the race 

Of a damsel of long pedigree. 

There 's surely no helpmate so willing as you. 

Have you never refused me your aid ? 
In the world there are few hall so loyal and true 

As you are, my honny brown maid. 
In the cruellest task I have only to ask 

You care not for danger or pain 
When our fortune seem'd gone, you have challeng'd and won, 

You have done it again and again. 

There 's never a cross word between you and me, 

And you listen to all that I say. 
If a point there should be on which you disagree, 

And you show it 'tis only in play. 
You 're the joy of my heart, and we never shall part, 

Not e'en when we ve finished at last. 
Then the cap, jacket, belt, and the spurs you ne'er felt, 

Will be memories glad of the Past I 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

EXCELLENT present for the present season which, as our old 
friend WILLY SHAKSPEABE would have said, is " the season of 
presents," the New Year's gifts coming in as the Old Year, 
loaded with the good things of Christmas, goes out is 2 he 
Vanity Fair Album, with its 
coloured caricaturical likenesses 
of " celebrities" of all sorts- 
more or less celebrated drawn 
chiefly by " SPY," occasionally 
by " STUFF," and sometimes by 

GA.TH," with notes written as 
an accompaniment hy JEHIT 
JUNIOB. Of the three artists 
named, "SPY," legitimate suc- 
cessor of poor 4t PELICAN," is 
facile princeps, although, even 
in his work, it is very rare to 
find one picture drawn in the 
ereuuine spirit of caricature. 
They are likenesses first, and 
caricature has to take its chance. Always you exclaim, How 
like I How good I " seldom " How inimitably funny I " The 
frontispiece introduces us to four sporting gentlemen, masters 
of fox-hounds in pink " SPY" pwx-it who, in their own 
persons, represent the hardy annuals of the winter season, who, 
as disdaining hares, and not caring for stags, would choose for 
their motto " Fox et prceterea nil." 




10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 4, 1896. 




Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and talked about himself the whole time). 

"YES, I 'M SORRY TO SAY I 'M A MARTYR TO INSOMNIA. I 'VB TRIED EVERYTHING, BUT I 
CANNOT GET SLEEP AT NIGHT 1 " 

His Hostess (sweetly]. "On, BUT I CAN TELL YOU A VEKY SIMPLE REMEDY. You SHOULD 
TALK TO YOURSELF AFTER GOING TO BED 1 " 



OUTSIDE I 
( With Apologies to a Mellifluous Memory.} 

IT chanced a song the Stoney-broke One sang 
Of Fortune and her wheel m 8. E. slang : 

Tarn, Fortune, turn thy -wheel, as 'twere a 

"bike," 

Now cutting records, now bust-up, belike, 
Thy wheel and thee I'll neither " bull " nor 

" bear." 

Turn, Fortune, turn thy wheel, like a steam- 
pump ! [" slump," 
Now up, and 'tis a "boom," now down a 

I 'm neither Bear nor Bull, and so don't care. 
Smile, and behold a " Barney," and a swell 1 
Frown, and 'tis still a " barney " but a sell ! 

An empty purse is master of man's fate. 
Turn, turn thy wheel before the crashing crowd, 
Fools who before the golden calf have bowed ! 

/'m stocey-broke, and so can't speculate I 



AN INTERVIEW IN COMMON FORM. 

(From a Note-book found in the land of Personalia.) 

TUP: house of the great man did not differ 
very materially from the dwelling-places of 
his neighbours. The regulation portico, the 
customary area, the white-washed stucco 
front were all there to carry out the resem- 
blance. The hall, too, was not unlike other 
halls of other mansions. The butler, the 
footman, and the housemaids had nothing to 
distinguish them from fellow-menials filling 
like situations in other menages. 

" Can I do anything for you ? " asked the 
Great Man, with a smile. 

"Well," I replied, "it is only fair to tell 
you that I come in the character of an inter- 
viewer. To save time, I will not give you my 
opinion of things in general, and yourself in 
particular, for the simple reason that I can 
add it as padding when I come to the com- 
position of the article." 



" Quite so," responded the Great Man, em- 
phatically ; " I commend your excellent good 
sense. And here let me say that this is not 
the first time I have been examined on behalf 
of the Press." 

"Certainly, but not too often. Had you 
1 been done to death,' to use a colloquialism, 
I should not have had the honour and pleasure 
of this introduction. In fact, you, from an 
editorial point of view, would have been 
regarded as valueless for copy." 

"No doubt," returned the Great Man, 
laughing heartily and good-naturedly. ' ' But 
I have the advantage thanks to my scanty 
but, for this purpose, sufficient experience 
of knowing the sort of thing you want to 
learn. For instance, I have a cup of tea at 
seven, eat a hearty breakfast at nine, lunch 
lightly at two, and reserve eight o'clock for 
dinner." 

"Thank you very much," said I, making 
the entry in my note-book; "and now tell 
me do you take soup P " 

" I have not for many years. I must con- 
fess, too, that I dilute the deadly cold of the 
morning tub with a little boiling water. I 
never eat sugar, ai d care nothing for pastry." 

" Is the dislike medicinal or hereditary P " 

" A mixture of both. As a child, the 
favourite punishment of nv mother was the 
;>rder of no pudding.' Thus, as quite an 
infant, I lost my appreciation of tarts. What 
was commenced by my maternal parent was 
completed by my doctor. I have been ordered 
f o give up fruit pies." 

We laughed heartily at this quaint descrip- 
ion, and for a moment or two my pen was 
busy. 

" Is there anything else I can tell you ? " 

"I suppose you go to the seaside in the 
summer, and occasionally rim over to Swit- 
zerland in the autumn ? That you are fond 
f dogs and children ? That your wife takes 
i deep intfrett in your work? Then you 
have cozy corners in your house, and that 
kind of thing?" 

" To be sure," replied the Great Man, who 
had been nodding affirmatively to my various 
queries. " But everything connected with 
the house you will surely leave to the photo- 
grapher ? 1 presume I shall have the pleasure 
of making his acquaintance ? " 

It was my turn to bow, and bow I did, with 
a smile. 

" And now," said my host, " I am going 
to ask a slight favour. All I have told you 
would probably be equally applicable to my 
(rood friends and neighbours, BROWW, JONES, 
SMITH, and KOBINSON? You acquiesce in 
the suggestion ? Quite so ; then give all the 
interesting particulars you have collected, but 
avoid mentioning my name." 

" But your personality is what will interest 
the public." 

" Yes ; but this sketch will do for any one 
else of eminence. Reserve it for the next 
comer." 

And, as the idea was a novelty, I adopted 
the suggestion. 



THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS. 
(Entirely New Version.) 

BENEATH the Bridge I often sit and sigh, 

So often, that I seem to grow indig- 
enous. May be you '11 want to ask me why 
Beneath the Bridge. 

" A tunnel 's made to get you through a ridge. 
And o'er a bridge you keep afoot on high." 

Bat I 'm aboard. Above me, on the Bridge, 
My lover officer scans sea and sky. 

And though it grows as cold as the Refrig- 
erator late at night, still there am I 

Beneath the Bridge. 



JANUARY 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11 



THE KALENDAR OF FRIENDSHIP. 

(FOR 1896.) 

January. Mr. WILLIAM JOITES pre- 
sents his compliments to Mr. HENRY 
SMITH, and while apologising for the 
liberty he takes in addressing him, would 
be obliged, &o., &o. 

February. Sir, I have the honour 
to acknowledge the receipt of your 
obliging letter, and in reply beg to 
state, &o., &o. Your obedient servant, 
WILLIAM JONES. 

March. Dear Sir, I shall be very 
pleased to afford you all the information 
relative to the matter mentioned in your 
letter, &o., &o. Yours faithfully, 

WILLIAM JONES. 

April. Dear Mr. SMITH, I much 
regret that I was not at home when you 
BO kindly- called on me the other day. 
Perhaps you will do me the honour 
to dine here one night at an early 
date? &o., &o. Yours very sincerely, 
WILLIAM JONES. 

May. Dear SMITH, Your letter is 
not at all "presumptuous," as you 
modestly express it. Pray be assured 
that you have my best offices in any 
thing that may tend to your advan- 
tage, &o., &c. Yours most sincerely, 
WILLIAM JONES. 

June. My dear SMITHJ Of course I 
shall be delighted to join your party. 
When does the picnic take place ? 
Pray give my compliments to Mrs. 
SMITH, &c., &c. 

Yours ever, WILLIAM JONES. 

July. My dear old chap, Just got 
yours. Of course, you dear old fellow, 
shall be delighted, and only too pleased, 
to come to the christening, and stand 
godfather to the olive branch. The idea 
of supposing that it would be a " bore " 
to me I feo., &c. Yours ever most 
affectionately, W. J. 




AMBIGUOUS. 

"SHALL I WAV* IT, Miss? IT DOBS AW AT WITH 
THE PLAINNBSS." 



August. My dear SMITH, Have you 
forgotten my letter of yesterday week ? 
Pray let me nave an answer to it at your 
earliest convenience and oblige 

Yours ever, WILLIAM JONES. 

September. My dear Mr. SMITH, I 
cannot see that your tardy answer to my 
letters at all explains matters. What I 
wish definitely to know is, &c., &o. 
Yours sincerely, WILLIAM JONES. 

October. Dear Mr. SMITH, I fail 
completely to understand how, &o., &o. 
Yours very faithfully, 

WILLIAM JONES. 

November. Dear Sir t I am surprised, 
&o., &o. Yours faithfully, 

WILLIAM JONES. 

December. Sir, I positively decline 
to do anything so ridiculous as to go to 
Belgium with you for the purpose of 
fighting a duel. On the other hand, you 
are certainly at liberty to go to Jericho, 
for all I care. Sir, your obedient 
servant, WILLIAM JONES. 

To Henry Smith, Esq. 

N.B. My solicitors' address is, &c., &c. 



The Seven Against Each Other. 

SEVEN Minor Bards snatch, with an 

eager glee, 

At every chance of courtly minstrelsy ; 
'Tis hard the Court (or Cabinet) will 

have none of them ! 
They 're all AaJ/-fitted for the post, you 

see ; 
Poets, of course, they none of them 

may be. 
But they 're eff asive Laureates, every 

one of them. 



HAPPILY OBVIOUS. That CLEVE- 
LAND need not be interpreted Land- 
cleaver. 



"THE IMPEOVEMENT OF LONDON." 

PEG away, Daily Graphic, and advocate weekly, 
And strongly, and daily, and gaily, your dreams 

Of beautiful Londra. We bear much too meekly 
Discomfort and ugliness ; fight for your schemes. 

Peg away, and keep showing that London needs greatly 
In buildings more beauty, in streets still more space, 

Plan boulevards and squares, lined with houses more stately, 
Combining convenience, grandeur, and grace. 

Then Eagland may rise to a wonderful level, 
The level of France, of old Greece, even more ; 

" Schools of Art," as at present, may go to the I mean, dogs 
And art may be fostered as never b afore. 

Then Wellington Statues, and Shaftesbury Fountains, 

And Albert Memorials never would come, 
As mouse-like productions of labouring mountains, 

To strike the intelligent foreigner dumb. 

She would not put pictures by barracks, nor boast that 
South Kensington sheds show her architects' skill ; 

She builds even now, and requires at the most that 
Some generou citizen settles the bill. 

The bill I Daily Graphic, of what are you thinking ? 

The bill ! Oh, my goodness, who ever will pay ? 
Is England so rich as to contemplate sinking 

Such sums for mere beauty, hard cash thrown away ? 



Note by a "New Novel" Reader. 
CERTAIN unsavoury social crimes of old 

Were things on which pure ladies would not look. 
They 're not so sternly censured now, I 'm told, 

But they 're (by women) oftener " brought to book." 



NEW DICTIONARY. 

(Being some occasional notes intended as a contribution towards a 
" Lady's Own Dictionary of Words and Phrases.") 

' ' AGGRAVATE." This word, according to men's dictionaries, means 
" to exaggerate : to make enormous, &c." ; but the fair sex, not con- 
tent with this simple definition, have given it another, which is, to 
anger, to irritate. For instance, in women's language, the expres- 
sion, " an aggravating thing," is generally understood to signify a 
person who causes us anger or displeasure. If a man were to talk to 
a woman of an "aggravated iniury," she would probably not know 
what he meant. But if he were to describe her dearest friend's con- 
duct as aggravating, she would immediately understand him. 

" So." This little adverb is a great favourite with ladies, in con- 
junction with an adjective. For instance, they are very fond of 
using such expressions as " He is so charming I " " It is so lovely I " 
&c. According to the rules of strict grammar, the use of the adverb 
"so," and of the adjectives "lovely" and "charming," requires to 
be followed, in both these sentences, by the use of the conjunction 
"that." "He is so charming!" is a purely feminine expression. 
"He is so charming that I have made a friend of him," is a purely 
masculine one, or should be so. It is satisfactory to know, however, 
that ladies have nothing whatever to do with the rules of strict 
grammar. 

It is hoped that these two extracts will for the present suffice to 
show the exceedingly useful character of the forthcoming publication. 



EAR! EAK! The Daily News felicitates the country on its 
"Musical Year." But why drag in that "Y"? When it can 
congratulate England on the possession of a musical ear, it may 
indeed inspire a patriotic paean. But after hearing the Christmas 
holidays made hideous by inharmonious bowlings, in discordant keys, 
of " Glorious Seer!" Mr. Punch feels that the most seasonable 
greeting to his countrymen is " I wish you all a Happy New Ear I " 



12 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 4, 1896. 




LONG AGO LEGENDS. 
Y E INNEHOLDERE AND HYS DRAWERE. 

IN Cheape dwelled an Inneboldere, and one daye he dyd go downe 
in toe hys cellar toe watere y e ale, as was hys wante, when he espyede 
hys Drawere drynkinge sack out of a fla*ke which he bad tayken toe 
hys own use, and then place it in hys poke for bye-and-bye. So y e 

inneholdere dyd 
lie in wate for 
hjra, and on hys 
coming oute dide 
taxe hym withe y e 
thefte. "Nay, 
goode master," 
sayde y e Drawere, 
" r tis not thefte, 
for you are payde 
for itte ; I dyd but 
no we deposite y e 
pryce of itte in y e 
tille whereyou will 
finde itte withall." 
But j e Innehol- 
dere, knowing 
thys toe be alle 
lese, dyd take 
a wave from hym 
y e 11 ask e and dyd 
boxe hym on > 
eerys and bytte 
hym in y e iye, re- 
markynge} 6 while, 
"Nay, 'tis you 
who are payde for 
itt." 

Then j e Drawere 

dyd retaliate malapertelie withe hys tcngue in such a waye that itte 
can notte here be chroniclede. 

" Ho," cryed y e Inneholdere, " woulde you gyve me chyke in mine 
owne house ? Knowe, knave, that I pi aye firste fiddle here ! " 

" And no marvelle," replyed y e Drawere, " conbyderinge it is 
suche a vile inne." 

And dyd y e Inneholdere forgyve hym on account of thys plea- 
santerie? Peradventure ; for it is saide he dyd then and thtre give 
hjm y* eack. 

HOW TO KEEP A DIARY. 

(Taught by the Cotitents.) 

January 1. Intend to preserve in this little volume the written 
record of my life. Now and again I shall give my thoughts, my 
aspirations. Any event of commanding importance, of course, will 
appear in its proper sequence in these pages. I shall not omit refer- 
ence to domestic details of purely personal interest, for out of such 
seemingly homely materials many an interesting biography is ulti- 
mately carefully compiled. And now to commence. Went out 
to-day to have my hair cat. Later on, a family gathering. Present, 
my Uncle JACK, Aunt JEMIMA, and the boys. Dinner passed off 
pleasantly. The only discordant note was BOBBY'S allusion to 
Coufcin POTTEB'S will. I think the contretemps that followed was 
caused by thoughtlessness rather than by malice. Still, it was a bad 
omen for the otherwise glad New Year. 

January 2. And now to continue the story of my career from day 
to day. Obliged to go out. Will return to this volume when I get 
home. 

January 12. Had my hair cut. Gloves, 3s. &d. Fellow told me 
last night that the only way to get good cheroots was to write to 
Manilla direct. 

January 31. Afraid I have not kept this diary very regularly. 
However will make a fresh start, and not get into arrears again. 
This tTiorninsr I rose at seven, had breakfast (sausages, tea, and f ggs) 
at eight Off to chambers at ten. Led in an important case (Baulks 
versus Corkes) and obtained a verdict. TOMKINS, J., complimented 
me. On my way home met my Cousin CHABLIE. He dined with us, 
and tells me that GTTSSIE returned from Canada last Autumn. She 
is engaged to be married- Dear me! How time flies! It seems 
onlv the other day that she was playing with her doll ! 

March 5. Had my hair out to-day. Must keep this diary more 
regularly. What is the benefit of a diary unless you use it ? Pause 
for a reply. Saw the BEVEBLEY ROBINSONS in the Park. It appears 
that it was not their fault that the silver epergne passed out of the 
family, The facts are these 

March 6. Was interrupted yesterday as I was giving the true 
story of the epergne. However it is just as easy and appropriate to 
enter it under this date as any other. Well, to commence 



April 19. Omnibus 2d. Cab 2s. Qd. Gingerbread nuts 4d. Re- 
payment of portion of loan at Bank 153 10s. 6d. Address of, the man 
with marble statues 247, Araminta Avenue East, Lower Tooting 
Lane. 

May 1. Really ashamed to find how slack I have'been in keeping 
this diary. However, in future I will make entries daily. 'Ibis 
morning went to the British Museum to verify dates in my new 
book, Remembrances Recalled on the Stage-side of the Green Cur- 
tain. I was right. Professor Anderson was lessee of Covent Garden 
Opera-house when it was burned down after a bal masque. Met 
CHABLIE HOGABTH. The same as ever. Awfullv good fellow. Dined 
at the club, and went to see Sinbad up to Date. Quite like old 
times. A morsel of mild American cheese in a plain lettuce salad not 
half bad. CHABLIE'S recipe. Good chap, CHABLIE ! 

August 3. Decided to go to Kiel. 

September 9. Braces, Is. d. GUSSIE married the Captain. My 
present of a card-table, made of Japanese fans, pretty. Only 
fault, there were nine other duplicates. That's the worst of getting 
wedding-gifts from the Stores. Some other chappie is sure to choose 
the same ! 

October 25. My birthday I I have been sadly remiss in keeping 
this diary hitherto, and will mend the fault for the remainder of the 
quickly passing year. To-day I reach my prime. Well, I have not 
done so badly ; my practice is fairly good at any rate pays the rent 
of my chambers, and keeps me in gowns and wigs. Then my editor- 
ship of The Moon- Gazers Monthly Magazine has been entirely 
satisfactory to the proprietors. If I quarrelled with Bossy's ROSIK 
it is only because she was so extremely rude to poor dear TaixY in 
'he train. However, in that matter, it 's more their loss than ours! 
So I can regard the situation with equanimity I 

November 12. Had my hair cut. 

December 14. Gloves 3*. 6d. Aunt MABIA'S day is first and 
third Fridays. Kidneys cut into thin slices, then covered with 
bread-crumbs, then broiled. 

December 27. Went to the play last night. Did not see very 
much, as my box appeared to be a sort of converted doorway. Per- 
formance (so far as 1 could judge) as per usual. Omnibus for us both, 
Is. \d. Gave blind crossing sweeper half-a-crown instead of a 
penny. It is a mistake of that character which disgusts one with 
charity. 

December 28. Had my hair cut. 

December 30. Soleing boots, 4s. 6d. 

December 31. And so this i* the last day of the 365 1 I find that 
I have not kept to my original intention in this volume. But I have 
bought a new diary, and will try to do better next year. 



THE AUGUSTAN AGE AT OLYMPIA. 

THE classic ground close to the elongated mile once known as 
" Punch's Railway" is again popular. Thanks to the efforts of the 
great DBUBIOLANTJS-CCM-ADDISONBODIAS, Olympia is very much to 
the fore. On Boxing afternoon and night crowds thronged to see 
the last thing in Derbys and the newest idea of the 
Chitral campaign. Both events are perfect mar- 
vels of realism. The mob that supplies a back- 
ground to the winning of the Blue Riband of the 
Turf could not be surpassed as a specimen of " the 
convincing." There are real '"'ABBIES" and 
"'ABBIETS,'' soldiers, sailors, acrobats, and, last 
but not least, police-constables. The horses, too, 
seem to enjoy the sport, and if they are not all 
"winners," they compare favourably with many a 
successful competitor for a Queen's Plate. But 
the feature of the equestrian show is unquestion- 
ably the crowd of spectators. With the assistance 
of many hundreds of auxiliaries, the hill is realised 
with its numberless vehicles, its series of booths, 
and, last and least, its poor, forlorn, forsaken, and 
much-chivied Derby dog. Then Olympia has, as 
is quite right and correct, races by ladies, bicycles 
and donkeys. Those who are to be responsible for 
the coming meeting in Athens might secure an 
object-lesson in West Kensington. If Greece follows in the wake of 
the Addison Road, all should be well at the international gathering 
of athletes. 

And if the Race for the Derby is satisfactory, the Relief of Chitral 
is equally excellent. The soldiers who gallantly occupy the boards, 
once the home of the largest ballet troupe of the world, are reserve 
men, and members of that constitutional force, " the bold Militia." 
These fine fellows must delight the descendants of the Brook Green 
Volunteer, whose traditional training-ground, it will be remem- 
bered, was in the neighbourhood. For the rest, there is every 
prospect that the present excellent entertainment will diaw crowded 
houses twice daily to Olympia far into the glad New Year, and 
possibly into those years to come in the approaching century. 




JANUARY 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



J3 



To the President of the Royal 
Academy of Arts.\ 

MY LOBD, On this auspi- 
cious Occasion I have the 
honour to offer mv Congratu- 
lations. My Friend, Dr. 
SAMUEL JOHNSON, of whose 
Literary Attainments vou 
have been informed by his Bio- 

frapher, Mr. BOSWELL, would 
oubtless join me in my 
Felicitations to your Lordship, 
my successor, if he were not at 
present somewhat disturbed in 
mind by the Contemplation of 
the melancholy fact that his 
Dictionary is ripidly becom- 
ing obsolete. He passes many 
hours in lonelv Meditation, 
murmuring to himself words 
of some barbarous Jargon, such 
as "bike," "slumo." "jingo," 
and the like. This circum- 
stance is the more to be 
regretted, since he has com- 
mended several of vour 
Addresses, written in Lan- 
guage even more classic, more 
stately, and, perhaps, more 
beautiful than his own, and 
would, therefore, have felt 
assured that by your Lordship, 
in any case, his Dictionary is 
still consulted and admired. 
Mr. GOLDSMITH and Mr. 
GAKBICK request me to con- 
vey their Good Wihes. I 
have the honour to be, Your 
Lordship's most obedient, 
humble servant, 

JOSHUA REYNOLDS. 

HlGHWELLBOBN BABON, 
At this, at the highests, joyish 



CONGRATULATIONS 1 , FROM THE ELYSIAN FIELDS. 



/ 




learned I the english Speech. 
Now fee we a german Kaiser 
who him? elf to paint endea- 
vours. But what endeavour* 
he not to doP Thunder- 
weather, all things I If he 
only like you to paint could I 

I have the honour yet again 
to congratulate you, High- 
wellborn Baron. 

HOLBEIN. 



, .,_., ,.. The first P.E.A. (Sir Joshua Keynolds) pays his respects to Lord Leighton, P.B A. A uag yuu , 

Day send I my friendlyest Happinesswuhep. In the sixteenth Year le Baron, all my felicitations, and the assurance of _ 

hundred lived I to London, as HENEY THE EIGHTH King was, and so sentiments. AHTOIN'E WATIEAU. 



ILLUSTBISSIMO SIGNOR 
BAKONE, Not I have much 
studied the her language, but 
me permit to offer thousand 
happy auguries to Her, the 
first english painter who has 
become Baron. 

I have the honour to say 
myself, of Your Excellency 
the humblest and devotedest 
servant, 

RAITAELLO SANZIO. 

MONSIEUB, LE BABON, J 
come to make to you my 
felicitations the most warm a 1 
the occasion of the Day of the 
year, the day when you havt 
received a gift -une etrennt 
of the most charmings, tlu 
title which you merit so well 
Since long time you have 
painted, as me, the nymi h- 
and the shepherds, but th 
yours are those of the old 
Greece, and the mine ar 
those of the court of the 
Great Monarch. But we have 
the same tastes and, if I may 
venture to eay it, the same 
talent. 
I beg you to agree, Monsieur 



THEN AND NOW. A TEBPSICHOBEAN CONTRAST. 
[The Countess of ANCASTER deplores the bad manners of the dancing 

people of to-day.] 
OLD STYLE. NEW STYLB. 



Gentleman. May I have the 
exquisite delight of being your 
ladyship's humble cavalier in the 
coming country dance P 

Lady. Oh, Sir, you are vastly 
polite, and I am overwhelmed by 
your request ! 

Gent. Do I then make too bold ? 

Lady. Oh, Sir, I would not have 
you misconstrue my words I 

Gent. May I then reckon upon 
your treading the measure with 
your devoted servant ? 

Lady. I may not say you nay, 
Sir- [Curtsey g. 

Gerif. Madam, you are too con- 
de'cerdi g. I will not fail to 
claim your hand. 
[Retires toith courteous humility. 



Gentleman. Ah, Lady FLO- 
BENCB, got an entry left, or is 
your b0ok full ? 

Lady (looking at card). Well 
here 's a quadrille running loose. 

Gent. Oh, hang quadrilles! 
T 'm not out for walking exercise. 
Not on the square, twiggey vous ? 

Lady (laughing). Yon funny 
old cripple I Here 's a polka I 'm 
not sure about. 

Gent. A polka That's my 
form ! We '11 fire right into the 
brown of 'em, and have a glass of 
the boy afterwards, eh P 

Lady. It 's a bet. 

Gent. Done. So long. 
[Strolls off, humming a music- 
hall air. 



SOMETHING FOR HIM TO DO. 

AT this time of excitement, Mr. Punch drinks the new Laureate's 
health, and calls upon him for a song, impromptu, appropriate, and 
to be sapg immediately. Anything patriotic he may have handy 
will do. The moment is critical, which is more than his enthusiastic 
ludtence will be, if he only pitches it in the right key. But Lord 
SALISBUBT, who has made the piper, has a right to call the tune. By 
the way, according to a note in The Westminster, the new Laureate 
is entitled to receive, all in a lump, the salary due for the three past 
rs dunng which time the office has been vacant. So the first thing 

IFBED, monarch of minor poets, will have to do is, not to sing, bat 

VOL. ex. 



to " draw." Hooray I for SALISBURY and Salary I Quite a Snnday- 
best-and-Top-Hat-ford Day ! Tune up! Twang the lyre I What 
rhymes to " Pretoria" if not "Victoria" P But rather less easy to 
get something neat to rhyme with "Venezuela," ehP Still, within 
the reach of practical poetry and the petit maitre. 



A CASE IN COURT REHEARD. 

ALL Abroad finds itself "quite at home" at the Court Theatre. 
Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN very funny, with hi* finein? and dancing, and 
with his phonographic business. Miss MAT EDOUIN is a charming 
ingenue, delighting the jury of the Court 
with a very pretty song, "Two Sweet Little 
Love Birds." Elle ira loin. Mr. SCGDEN 
appears as a witness to " character " : 
capital. Mr. FBED KATE is as ecoentrio as 
ever, and Mr. DAVID JAMES acting, dancing, 
and singing, follows in the footsteps of his 
father, especially in the dancing. Miss 
GJUCB PALOTTA makes a hit with the song 
of " The Business Girl. 1 " Altogether the 
amusing evening's entertainment has not 
suffered in its transit across London fr< m 
the Criterion where it gained a favourable 
verdict at the bar of public opinion to the 
Court, where, it having been already "part 
heard," it is being tried over again, until 
further notice, before new judges and 
juries, who have to pronounce upon several , 
new songs, of which not a few are encored, /' 
and before whom is brought a mass of new evidence not produced at 
the previous trial. The verdict ought to be Success; and, at all 
events, the members of Miss CISSY GRAHAM'S Company at Manager 
CHUDLZIGH'S theatre "have the Court with them." 




MOTTO, AT PBESENT, FOB SotTH AFBICAN DIFFICULTY. " Post 

' CBAUBSRLAIN' sedet atra euro." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 11, 1896, 




ALFRED THE LITTLE. 

Sir Edw-n Arn-ld (bitterly). " ' FORTUNATUS 1 ' HA I HA I " Sir L-w-s M-rrs (moodily). " ' ENGLAND'S DARLIKG ? ' Hu ! HB 1 

"The QUETN has been pleased to appoirt AIFBED AUSTIN, Erq., to be Poet Laureate to Her Majesty." Daily Tapers, January 1, 1896. 



JANUARY 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



15 







OUR OVERWORKED BISHOPS. 



The Rector's Wife. "HAVE YOU HEARD FROM THE BISHOP, DEAR, ABOUT THE ALTERATIONS YOU PROPOSED TO MAKE IN THE SERVICES?" 
The Rector. " YES ; I HAVE JUST GOT A POSTCARD FROM HIS LITTLE BOY. THIS is IT: 

' THS PALACE, BAROHXSTXR. PAPA SAYS YOU MUSTN'T.' " 



NEW YEAR'S DAY 

(On Parnassus] 
OR, THE APOTHEOSIS OF ALFRED THE LITTLE. 

Alfred the Little tunes up on his new Official Harp to an old air of 
Alfred the Great 1 s ; 

You must take and call me Laureate, Poet Laureate, brethren dear, 
For to-morrow I '11 be the happiest bard of all this glad New Year ; 
My glad Muse chimes, not "vapid rhymes," but the maddest, 

merriest lay, 
For I am QUEEN'S Poet to-day, brethren, I am Court Minstrel 

to-day 1 

There's many a gushing muse, men say, but none can gush like 

mine ; 

There 's ARNOLD and there's MORRIS, both can lip the laureate line; 
Bat none so well as little ALFRED in all the land, thev say, 
So I 'm to be Poet Laureate, brethren, all upon New Year's Bay I 

I '11 now sleep sound o' nights, from dreadful dreams no more I '11 

wake, 

lhat ALGERNON or WILLIAM they will Poet Laureate make. 
But I must gather flowery tropes and flatteries fine and gay, 
For I 'm ALFRED THE GREAT'S successor, brethren, dating from New 

Year's Day I 

As I came down the street called Fleet, whom think ye I should see, 
But EDWIN, bland and Japanesque, bard of the Daily T. ? 
He thought his chance was good, brethren, lord of the Orient lay, 
But I 've whipped him on New Year's Day, brethren, done him on 
New Years Day. 

He looked pale as a ghost, brethren, exceeding weird and white, 
For the singer of " The Season " now had dimmed his Asian Light. 
They say I 'm a Party pick, brethren, but I care not what they say, 
For I 'm crowned upon New Year's Day, brethren, laurelled on New 
Year's Day 1 

They say that limpid LEWIS is as mad as mad can be ; 
They say young ERIC is making moan what is that to me ? 



There's many a better bard than I, or so sour critics say, 

But little ALFRED has taken the cake, all upon New Year's Day. 

Little ALFRED has licked them all, as shall right soon be seen, 
The loy allest lyrist of all the lot to his Country and his Queen. 
I 've out-sonnetted WILLY WATSON in my Tory-patriot way, 
So I 've passed dear WILL up the " Sacred Hill," all upon New 
Year s Day I 

For WILLY, with wild and whirling words, had pitched into the 

Powers, 
And invoked the name of the old recluse who at Harwarden groins 

and glowers ; 

For he 's got a bee ia his bonnet about the woes of Ar-me-ni-a ; 
So I look down on him from Parnassian peaks, all upon New Year's 

Day I 

Yes, I am " Fortunatus," brethren, and "England's Darling"! 

Hum! 

This harp is big, and wide in stretch, and nef ds long arms to thrum. 
But if I stand a-tiptoe I shall manage it, I dare fay, 
And I 'm Poet Laureate, anyhow, all upon New Year's Diy I 

I wonder now if ALFRED THE GREAT and grufE with joy would 

thrill 

If he saw me twanging the Laureate lyre on the Parnassian Hill ? 
He once was a leetle rude to me when on him I had said my say, 
Like LYTTON to him ; but J'm Laureate now, all upon New Year's 

Day! 

So you must take and call me Laureate, Poet Laureate, brethren 

dear, 
And I 'm sure that EDWIN, and Liwi9, and WILLIAM will wish me 

a Happy New Y< ar. 

II My Satire and its Censors " have not stood in my upward wav ; 
"Ambition ended" I'm Laureate at last upon Ney Year's 

Day!!! ===== 

As IT SHOULD BK. The Foreign Committee of the American 
House of Representatives having reported in favour of Mr. BAYARD, 
he is now, like his prototype, tans reproche as wll as sans peur. 



16 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 11, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(By BABOO HUBBY BUNGSHO JABBEBJEB, B.A.) 

No. II. 
Some account of Mr. Jabberjee's experiences at the Westminster Play. 

BEING forearmed by editorial beneficence with ticket of admission 
io theatrical entertainment by adolescent students at ^Westminster 
College, I presented myself on the scene of acting in a state_ of 
liveliest and frolicsome anticipation on a certain Wednesday evening 
in the month of December last, about 7.20 P.M. 

At the summit of the stairs I was received by a posse of polite and 
stalwart striplings in white kids, who, after abstracting large 
circular orifice from my credentials, ordered me^ to ascend to a lofty 
gallery, where, on arriving, I found every chair pre-occupied, and 
moreover was restricted to a prospect of the backs of numerous 
javenile heads, while expected to remain the livelong evening on the 
tiptoe of expectation and Shank's mare ! 

This for a while I endured submissively from native timidity and 
retirement, until my bosom boiled over at the 
sense of "Civis Romanus sum" and, de- 
scending to the barrier, I harangued the 
wicket-keeper with great length and fervid 
eloquence, informing nim that I was graduate 
of high-class Native University after passing 
most tedious and difficult exams with fugitive 
colours, and that it was injurious and dele- 
terious to my "mens sana in corpore sano" 
to remain on legs for some hours beholding 
wbat I practically found to be invisible. 

But, though he turned an indulgent ear to 
my quandary, he professed his inability to 
help me over my " pons asinorum," until I 
ventured to play the ticklish card and inform 
him that I was a distinguished representa- 
tive of Hon'ble Punch, who was paternally 
anxious for me to be awarded a seat on the 
lap of luxury. 

Then he unbended, and admitted me to the 
body of the auditorium, where I was con- 
ducted to a coign of vantage in near proximity 
to members of the fair sex and galaxy of 
beauty. 

Thus, by dint of nude gumption, I was in 
the bed of clover and seventh heaven, and 
more so when, on inquiry from a bystander, 
I understood that the performance was taken 
from Mr. TERBJSS'S Adelphi Theatre, which 
[ had heard was conspicuous for excellence 
in fierce ccmbats, blood-curdling duels, and 
scenes in court. And I narrated to him bow 
I too, when a callow and unfledged hobbardy- 
hoy, had engaged in theatrical enterlain- 
ments, and played such parts in native 
dramas as heroic giant-killers and tiger 
players, in which I was an " au fait" and 
"facile princeps," also in select scenes from 
SHAKBPEABE'S play of Macbeth in English 
and being correctly attired as a Scotch. 

But presently I discovered that the play 
was quite another sort of Adelphi, being a 




" A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose." 



jocose comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name of 
TEBENCE, and written entirely k in Latin, which a contiguous 
damsel expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible 
and obecure. I hastened to reassure her by explaining that, having 

!,._ 4........J 4. *. , _ A.;.Ii _^A _ J T> A 1 T__ _i* At 11 T i 



been turned out as a certificated B.A. by Indian College, I had 



elderly gentlemen, appeared, they were all exclusively masculine in 
gender, and there was nothing done but to converse by twos and 
threes. When the third portion opened with a long-desiderated 
peep of petticoats, I told my neighbour confidently that now at last 
we were to see this dancing girl and the abduction; but the replied 
that it was not so, for these females were merely the mother of the 
wife of another of the youths and her attendant ayah. And even 
this precious pair, after weeping and wringing their hands for a 
while, vanished, not to appear again. 

Now_as the entertainment proceeded, I fell into the dumps with 
increasing abashment and mortification to see everyone around me, 
ay, even the women and the tenderest juveniles I clap the hands and 
laugh in their sleeves with merriment at quirks and gleeks in which 
in spite of all my classical proficiency I could not discover le mot 
pour rire or crack so much as the cream of a jest, but must sit there 
melancholy as a gib cat or smile at the wrong end of the mouth. 

For, indeed, I began to fear that I had been fobbed off with the 
smattered education of a painted sepulchre, that I should fail so 
dolorously to comprehend what was plain as a turnpike-staff to the 
veriest British babe and suckling I 

However, on observing more closely, I dis- 
covered that most of the grown-up adults 
present had books containing the translation 
of all the witticisms, which they secretly 
perused, and that the feminality were also 
provided with pink leaflets on which the dark 
outline of the plot was perspicuously in- 
scribed. Moreover, on casting my eyes up to 
the gallery, I perceived that there were over- 
seers there armed with long canes, and that 
the smell youths did not indulge in plauda- 
tions and hilarity except when threatened by 
these. 

And thereupon I took heart, seeing that 
the proceedings were clearly veiled in an 
obsolete and cryptic language, and it was 
(imply matter of rite and custom to applaud 
at fixed intervals, so I did at Rome as the 
Romans did, and was laughter holding both 
his sides as often as I beheld the canes in a 
state of agitation. 

I am not unaware that it is to bring a coal 
from Newcastle to pronounce any critical 
opinion upon the ludibriqus qualities of so 
antiquated a comedy as this, but, while I am 
wishful to make every allowance for its 
having been composed in a period of pre- 
historic barbarity, I would still hazard the 
criticism that it does not excite the simpering 
guffaw with the frequency of such modern 
standard works as, exempli gratia, Miss 
Brown, or The Aunt of Charley, to either 
of which I would award the palm for pure 
whimsicality and gawkiness. 

Candour compels me to admit, however, 
that the conclusion of the Adelphi, in which 
a certain magician summoned a black-robed, 
steeple-hatted demon from the nether world, 
who, after commanding a minion to give a 
pickle- back to sundry grotesque personages, 
did castigate their ulterior portions severely 
with a large switch, was a striking ameliora- 



acquired perfect familiarity aid nodding acquaintance with the 




gratitude. When the performance commenced with a scenic repre- 
sentation of the Roman Acropolis, and a venerable elderly man 
soliloquising lengthily to himself, and then carrying on a protracted 
logomachy with another greybeard although 1 understood sundry 
colloquial idioms and phrases such as " uxorem duxit," " carum 
mihi," "quid agis?" "cur amatf" and the like, all of which I 
assiduously translated viva voceI could not succeed in learning the 
reason why they were having such a snip-snap, until the interval, 
when the lady informed me herself that it was because one of them 
had carried off a nautch-girl belonging to the other's son which 
caused me to marvel greatly at her erudition. 

I looked that, in the next portion of the performance, I might 
behold the nautch-girl, and witness her forcible rescue or at least 
some saltatory exhibition; but, alaek! she remained sotto voce and 
hermetically sealed ; and though other characters, in addition to the 



tion and betterment upon the preceding scenes, and evinced that 
TKRENCE possessed no deficiency of up-to-date facetiousness and 
genuine humour ; though I could not but reflect" O, si sic 
omnia!" and lament that he should have hidden his vis comic a 
for so long under the stifling disguise of a serviette. 

I am a beggar at describing the hurly-burly and most admired 
disorder amidst which I performed the descent of the staircase in a 
savage perspiration, my elbows and heels unmercifully jostled by a 
dense, unruly horde, and going with nose in pocket, from trepida- 
tion due to national cowardice, while the seething mob clamoured 
and contended for overcoats and hats around very exiguous aper- 
ture, through which bewildered custodians handed out bundles of 
sticks and umbrellas, in vain hope to appease such impatience. Nor 
did I succeed to the recovery of my nat and paraphernalia until 
after twenty-four and a half minutes (Greenwich time), and with 



For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance 
and claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority ; but perceiv- 
ing that by such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a 
golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the 
olive branch and bury the bone of contention. 



MR. PUNCH'S ADVICE TO LADIES nr LSAP TEAR. Look before. 



PUNCH, OR THE LOB 





ART. JANUARY .11, 1896. 







WAR 



^-RL-N.) 



JANUARY 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 




HIGH LOVE BELOW STAIRS. 

The Venus of the Servants' Hall. "Ms GETTING FOND OP RICHARD I 

I SHOULD THINK I WAS.' WHY, BE 's ONLY GOT TO LOOK AT MB, 
AND I TBJSMBLB ALL OVEB LIKE AN ASPStl JBLLY!" 



THE PEERS IN THE BACKGROUND. 

(A Dramatic Fragment, improbable and all but impossible.) 

SCENE Studio of Illustrious Painter. The easel is occupied by a 
sketch of a classical subject an idea from the Greek. 

Illustrious Painter (consulting watch). Dear me I The time for 
the first arrival. Not a bad notion of mine to paint the portraits of 
my colleagues for one of the corridors. It may take some lime, but 
when the work is done well it will, at any rate, not shrink from 
comparison with the Diploma Gallery. (Knock.) Come in. (Enter 
Fir ft Peer.) Ah, my dear Viscount, glad to see you. 

First Peer (returning salutation heartily). Thank you, so much. 
And now, as I have a great deal to do in Fall Mall, I am afraid I 
shall not be able to give you much time for a sitting. 

lllus. Paint. I don't want you to sit at all. I propose roughing 
in the background to-day. What would you like for yours P Battle, 
I suppose ? 

First Peer. You are most kind. But if I might suggest, that is 
scarcely my specialite. Of course, I have seen a fair amount of 
service, and all that sort of thing will be represented by my medals. 
But my real line is literature. I would propose that I should be 
taken in my library, putting the finishing touches to the proofs of the 
Soldier's Pocket Book. And now, my dear Lord, I must be off, as I 
have to see to all our little affairs existent and pending in Africa 
and America. But first of all I have to overhaul the working of the 
Islington Military Tournament. [Exit. 

lllus. Paint, (making an entry in his Note-book). As a bookman I 
well, he is the author of his own fortunes. (Enter Second Peer.) 
Son jour, my dear Chancellor. I do not think we ought to have 
much trouble about your background. If you are painted in front 
of the robing- room 

Second Peer (promptly}. I ihall be disgusted. I am prouder of 
my swordsmanship than anything else. So make me lunging (not 
Acting) ha ! ha ! excuse the plaisanteriein a School of Arms, 
and I shall be more than satisfied. 

[Exit, as batch of Peers numbers up to 20 enter. 



Third Peer. We have come, my ^dear colleague, to say that we 
shall be most pleased to help in the work. Peers' Gallery ! Splendid 
notion ! 

lllus. Paint. What are to be the backgrounds P 

Fourth Peer. Well, we have consulted together, ^and 1 have 
thought of a novelty. As we attend the sittings, on the average, 
about once in five years, we fancied that perhaps if you placed 
us in the House itself it would be original and striking. 

lllus. Paint, (after consideration). Yes. And then some 'of you 
might be in robes; presumably, you know, having put in an 
appearance on some State occasion. 

fifth Peer. First rate ! What a clever fellow you are ! 

lllus. Paint, (showing them out). Thank you very much. And 

now I think I may (Enter Twenty-first Peer) Ah, my dear 

friend I Delighted to see you, as your creation chimes in with the 
date of my own. Not many years' difference between, them. Your 
background. I suppose, should be the manufactory 

Twenty-first Peer (interrupting). Not at all! That kind of thing 
would be distinctly misleading. Of course I don't like to dictate, but 
as you have been so kind as to ask for a suggestion, I would propose 
that you should paint me looking at one of my ancestors assisting to 
win the Battle of Hastings. You must know that, without bothering 
at the Heralds' College, I have every reason to believe that one Sir 
SMYTHE DE BBOWNE DE ROBYNSONNE was 

Illust. Paint. Quite so I I will turn it over in my mind. 

Twenty-first Peer. And (if I might venture upon a hint), if you 
could make Sir SMTTHK DE BBOWNE DE ROBYNSONNE a bit like me, I 
should be more than delighted. You know a family likeness may be 
traced for generations, and dear old Sir SMZTHE DE BBOWNE DE 

ROBYNSONNE Was 

Illust. Paint. Yes, yes, I know all about that. 

Twenty-first Peer. I am more than grateful. Not that I care about 

it myself, but my wife You know ladies are different from men. 

Illust. Paint, (drily). No doubt. (Courteously shows Twenty- first 
Peer the door.) And now to get upon safer ground than the Battle 
of Hastings and those who took part in it. 

[Scene closes in upon the Illustrious Painter returning to his 
sketch of a classical subject an idea from the Greek. 



ROSEBERY'S RESERVE. 

(See his late two Letters.) 

To you, dear friends, I am much beholden, 

( Why can't you let me alone, though ?) 
Speech is silver if silence is golden. 

(The latter must be my own, though.) 
I 'm bursting, but I must not speak I 

(Except to say that I must not.) 
The SULTAN 's wicked, the Powera are weak I 

( Do you want me to say so f I trust not.) 
I 'm haunted by the Armenian news, 

I have no trust in SOLLY. 
(T<> SAY so in public, I must refuse, 

I am quite above such folly. ) 
That insulting SULTAN makes England his mock ; 

He was always given to that form 1 
(But I greatly fear I should greatly shock 

If I told you so from a platform ! ) 
I, of course, can write what I cannot say, 

(And you can publish the letter,) 
But / must be silent I ( You' II find some way 

To voice your Mute, which were better /) 
I rage, I burn, and the wrath I feel 

My letters no doubt discover I 
/mustn't speak to the Man at the Wheel I 

(But I hope you'll chuck him over.') 



MABVEILOUS AKD SUDDEN CUBE I Mr. CH-MB-BL-N was unwell. 
Be took a dose of " Rhodesia." Salutary effect instantaneous I It 
is not improbable, however, that this treatment will have to be 
continued. 

OLD FBIENDS. It is said that in event of war between England 
and Venezuela, 100,000 Brazilians will join the latter country. Of 
course, for have not Brazil nuts always been associated with Caracas ? 

ATTTHOK I ATTTHOB ! Mr. HAI.L CAINE has brought back a draft 
Act on Canadian Copyright. An open che que on Canadian publishers 
would have been more acceptable to British authors. 

A LONG- VEXED QUESTION SETTLED. In view of Lord SALISBURY'S 
appointment as Loid Warden, Walmer will of course become de 
facto Premier Port. The other towns may now sink their differences. 



22 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 11, 1893, 



"IMRS. STIRLING." 

(THE LATE LADY GREGORY.) 

ON M more star of Stagedom gone ! 
Peerless, bright Peg Woffington, 
Matchless Martha, perfect Nurse, 
Speaker witty, quaint, and terse I 
High Comedy and humorous grace 
Spoke in that most speaking face. 
Who forgets those sparkling 

graces 
Oft difplayed in Masks and 

Faces ? 

Age-unwithered, and still dear, 
Passing with 1he passing year, 
She has left the Comic Stage 
Duller both for youth and age. 



PAGE FROM EUROPA'S DIARY. 

Sunday. Calm of the most 
absolute character. Pulpit sub- 
jects of a purely perfunctory 
nature. Expected immediate ap- 
pearance of the Millennium. 

Monday. Continuation of the 
peace. The silence of harmony 
unbroken. Monarchs of all sorts 
live in charity with all men, and, 
in their dreams, exist only in 
Arcadia. 

Tuesday. Tranqn ility main- 
tained. Ambassadors deep, and 
Parliaments adjourn for want 
of work. Nothing stirring but 
stagnation. 

Wednesday. Political barome- 
ter at "Set Fair." A storm 
anywhere impossible. The lion 
has laid down with the lamb. 
The contents bills of the papers 
have to fall back upon tricky 
headlines to sell a copy of the 
periodicals they represent. Public 
consequently sold as well. 

Thursday. The world fast 
asleep. Dicky birds the only 
disturbers of the ubiquitous peace. 




A HOME TRUTH. 

Irate Stepfather. "I CAN'T THINK WHERE YOU LEABN SUCH MAN- 
NERS. You DON'T SEE MS SLIDING DOWN THE BALTSTEBS AM> 
TURNING SOMERSAULTS IK THE HALL 1 " 



Friday. Not a ripple any- 
where. Blue sky on view in 
every land of the universe. Tri- 
umph of the dove and the olive 
branch. 

Saturday. Sudden outbreak I 
Row everywhere 1 National strug- 
gles the order of the day! Fire 
and the sword take precedence in 
every civilized and uncivilized 
community ! Expected immediate 
approach of Pandemonium 1 



CRY OF THE INCOME-TAX'D. 

["It ought to be a fundamental 
principle of the next Budget to reduce 
the income-tax by at least a penny." 
The " limes'' on " The Surplus."] 

THAT policy were " penny-wise " 
Indeed, but not " pound- 
foolish." 
Let's hope that unto our loud 

ones 
HICKS-BEACH will not prove 

mulish. 

My cry to him is (like the Pic- 
man's) 

" Please give me a penny I " 
May his be not (like Simple 

Simon's), 
11 1 have not got any I " 

PAX. There is now prospect of 
peace and quiet in one placj, at 
all events, and that is immedi- 
ately at Osborne and at the Court 
generally, for Dean FAHRAR has 
" replaced the Rev. ROWE JOLLEY 
as Deputy Clerk of the Closet in 
Waiting." Sj in that locality 
there is temporarily no more to 
bd heard of a Jolley Rowe. 

QUOTATION ADAPIED BY MR. 
CH-MB-BL-N. " ' Bores 1 et ' Pre- 
toria ' nihil ! " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

THE LAST SHOOT OF THE SEASON. 

SUBMITTING to the fate of all things bright and fair, the shooting 
reason of '95 '96 19 drawing to an end, lamented by all who love good 
sport and big bags. The combination is a common one in these days, 
when even keepers are beginning to understand that those who (hoot 
care less for a slaughter of easy birds than for a chance of exercising 
their skill in pulling down tall birds from the region of clouds. It 
may safely be asserted that all the big bags of pheasants are made by 
Runs placed well back from the coverts where the birds are likely to 
Da high up in the air by the time they aie shot at. The bhooting is 
made difficult, greater skill is necessary on the part of the shooter, 
and the bird shot at has a greater chance naturally of saving its lite. 

THFPE wonll seem to be self-evident propositions; but I gather 
from the irjgenious ard accomplished "RAPIER'S" notes in the 
January nun, her of the Badminton Magazine, that there are still 
"papers of a certain class" in which one may read "sarcastic 
comments on the making of big bags of pheasants. The writers 
calculate how many birds are killed per minute, and after a little 
indulgence in statistics, wind up with a sneer at the 'sport' in 
inverted commas." I have in my time read such comments, but not 
very lately. However, I must take "RAPIEB.'S" word for it that 
there still exist journalists sufficiently abandoned to make them, 
though I do not suppose even the most sarcastic of them would refuse 
to eat a pheasant which had been beaten over a distant line of guns, 
or would prefer to it a bird shot either by a " bone-scatterer " at the 
very edge of the covert, or by an old-fashioned " walker-up " within 
a few feet of the muzzle of his gun. 

A KEEPER'S one object is to make the biggest bag he can. If the 
arrangement of the shoot is left to him quod di avertanthe will 
place his guns as near as possible to the edge of the covert, so that 
they may smash the birds while they are still flying slow and low. 
This to a true sportsman, even if he is not a shot of the class of Lord 



DE OBEY or l>rd WALSIKGHAM. is detestable. He would rather 
shoot at, even if he misses, one high bird flying strong, than blow 
ten easy ones to pieces. Therefore in a properly managed shoot the 
guns are placed well away, although often the keeper looks gloomy, 
and confides to his intimates that he doem't see the use of having 
taken " a peck o' trouble if they birds aint to be shot where, as you 
may say, a gun can shoot 'em." 

BUT putting all that aside, what a glorious season this has been in 
nearly every part of the country. From all sides you hear the same 
story of fine, strong, hearty birds, and plenty of them. I^do not 
claim for pheasant-shooting the virtues of an athletic exercise, but 
it does require in the highest degree coolness, resource, precision and 
self-controlqualities that are not without their value in other and 
more important pursuits. Nor is his endurance to be despised who 
stands and waits in a cool and nipping wind, or in storm of rain such 
as the variations of our climate often send down upon our heads. 
Then it is, if you wear a mere cloth cap, that you envy the shooter 
whose hat has a brim, to guard his neck ; for first with a casual 
trickle, and then with a steady, relentless flow, the frosty water makes 
its way from the back of your head, down between your neck and 
your collar, and down, ever down along the channel of your spine. 
Ugh I the mere remembrance is enough to give you the influenza. 

AND now the time of the last shoot has come or is coming. Onoe 
more, and for the latt time, the array of beaters is summoned. 
There they all are, those stolid, autochthonous British labourers, 
differing not so much in expression as in the signs of age; imper- 
turbable, slow, and as impervious to thorn- bushes as they are to the 
voice of the Keeper when he bids them keep the line, or come up 
faster on the one side or the other. But watch these same beaters 
when a rabbit appears in their midst, especially after lunch has 
made their mood merry, and you will see a wonderful change. Not 
otherwise does a maiden, shy with the reserve of her first season, 
enter a ball-room. Heedlessly her eyes travel round the room, till, 
on a sudden, lo they light upon young ALGERNON, the pride of Her 



JANUARY 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



23 




Friend. " HULLO, OLD CHAP I WHAT ON EAKTH " 

Brute of a Husband (who has been to see ".Trilby"). '"Snl" (Sotto voce.) "IT'S ALL EIGHT. I'M JUST TRYING TO 'SUGGTST' TO 

THE MISSIS HYPNOTICALLY THAT IT 's TIME FOR HER TO GO TO BED, AND FOR ME TO GO TO THE FANCY DRESS BALL 1 'SH f 

SHE 's JUST 'OFF' I" [Chuckles. 



Majesty's Horse Guards Bine; young AIGEENON, than whom none 
ties with more skill the hatter fly tie, none with more splendour 
wears the pointed pump, none drops his final g with a more careless 
certainty. She, looking upon him and seeing: him advancing 1 , feels 
the happy blush mantle her virgin cheeks, her eyes sparkle, her 
being becomes animated, and with ready favour she grants him the 
desired pleasure of a dance. So a beater having perceived a soft- 
furred rabbit in the underwood, his eyes flash fire, impetuously he 
moves his heavy legs now hither now thither, loud exclamations 
burst from his lips, his stick flies hurtling through the air, and 
the whole line rends the skies with joyous shouting. But afar off, 
and unharmed, the timorous rabbit seeks refuge, threading with 
swift feet the tracts that lie behind the beaters. 



ALL hens, of course, are to be spared during the last shoot. And 
it is aggravating: to notice that the hen, ignorant of the edict that 
saves her life, rises with just as great a fluster as if she was to be 
shot at. A"d towards evening as the shadows fall, and distinction 
becomes difficult, the poor hen does often get shot and pays the 
penalty of her rashness. But hark! what shout is that? "Wood- 
cock forward, woodcock to the right, woodcock to the left. Mark, 
mark." Every voice in the covert and out of it seems to take up the 
cry. Are there a hundred woodcocks in the air. An electric shock 
seems to go through every shooter. Bang, bang, there he is ; bang, 
bang, mark to the left ; bang, bang, forwards, backwards, sideways, 
everywhere guns are going off .while the woodcock zig-zags through the 
trees and out into the open till he falls a victim to the youngest of the 
party, ^jhose hat henceforth wears the trophy of the bird's feathers. 

AND so good-bye to the great season and to all its memories of 
sport and good fellowship and happy days. The 1st of February 
will eee its departure, but I bid it f die well to-day. 

COMPANION TO "THE LATE MB. CASTELLO." The Early M. 
CHATEAU. 



TERPSICHORE TO DATE. 

(The " Sitting Waltz " is stated to be the latest American novelty.) 

THE Volte d Siege is an interesting development, which has been 
recently introduced for the benefit of engaged couples, flirts, 
hussars, gentlemen with wooden legs, sufferers from " housemaid's 
knee," and other persons who are averse to dancing exercise. 

No floor to speak of is required, as it is only used in extreme cases 
for sitting on, when the stairs, window-sills, fauteuils d deux, and 
banisters are all occupied. Even then it is considered somewhat 
vulgar, and suggestive of hunt-the-slipper. It is better, if every 
available seat is taken, to stand the waltz out. 

Very little preliminary training is necessary, though possibly a 
visit to Hampstead Heath on a fine Bank Holiday might supply a 
few useful hints on deportment. 

The movements are quite simple. The partners engage them- 
selves in the ordinary way. The gentleman then conducts the lady 
to a suitable seat. This, of course, should accommodate two, and 
two only, and need not be aggressively public. In fact, if the ball- 
room is all conservatory, so much the better. He next passes his 
right arm round his partner's waist, and clasps her right hand with 
his left. Her left hand rests fondly on his shoulder, and they are 
now ready to keep time with the music. 

At the first beat the lady puts out her left foot with a dainty and 
coquettish but almost imperceptible glissade, and the gentleman ever 
so plightly touches it with his own. 

Second beat. The lady turns her head towards her partner, the 
gentleman simultaneously gazes yearningly into her left eye. 

Third beat. Balancez, and set to corners. The couple thus 
chassent in the same direction without leaving their seat, swaying 
gently backwards and forwards in three-quarter time. 

The decorations should consist largely of mistletoe and kissing 
comfits (whatever they may be). 

And, lastly, the new waltz is as old as the hills, and was danced 
before ball-rr oms or Terpsichore were heard of. 



24 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JAMJART 11, 1896. 



HERE WE ARE AGAIN!" 



the 



AN elegant show ! a splendid spectacle ! a graceful grouping ! 
Fun, Fancy, and Frolic 1 Such is the summary of the Annual 
Pantomime provided for us all, young and old, by Master DBTJ- 
BIOLANTJS, semper virens nunquam viridis, Grand Master of 
Christmas Revels and Popular Pantomime. "With him attendant 
sprites CECIL RALEIGH and ARTHUR STURGESS, with stage-manager 
COLLINS, and J. M. 
GLOVEB, Master of 

MUSIC to 

IMI'ERATOR. Just take 
the programme and read 
the names of all the 
Pucks and Pixies obey- 
ing the magician's word. 
Six artistic elves do the 
scenery, who, together 
with the two principal 
costumiers, might be sung 
in two hexameter lines by 
the new Poet Laureate, 
if inclined that way.* 

But there are nine more 
names to this depart- 
ment, and three are 
responsible for the 
" shoes," including the 
glass slippers of Cin- 
derella, of which the 
maker is not specially 
named. There is an 
Assistant Stage Manager, 
and, by CLABKBON! 
there are wigs I I But 
suffice it some fifty names 
appear as the officers of 
the Pantomime Army, 
marching and dancing 
(with JOHNNIE D' ATJB AN) 
to victory. _ Charming 
ballets; quite Original; which you mightn't expect from a maitre 
de ballet whose name is " COPPI." Beginners in the art of ballet- 
teaching will do well to copy COPPI. Two of the comic songs are 
capital; both sung by HEBBERT CAMPBELL; the first, " You know 
love it wouldn't be true" (or a catch line like it), being exceptionally 
good. 

The GRIFFITHS Brothers in their wrestling match are immense. 
So earnest ! so serious ! so irresistibly comic ! Of course, DAN LEND, 

* ScZnZr)/ HarkVr Bruce Smith CanSy Kaiitsly Sch'reitz&r tin' 
Dress&s by Mons. Alias and cSsturriigr Mist&r 




inimitable as an elderly matronly shrew, IB facile princeps as aider- 
end's step-mother, and supremely ridiculous. HEBBBBT CAMPBELL 
seconds him excellently : upon these two, with the Brothers GRIFFITHS 
and Mr. LIONEL RIGNOLD (ordinarily a hook-nosed Hebrew villian in 
a melodrama, but now a comic Irish tutor with tiptilted nose, which 
just makes the difference), rests the fun of the pantomime; and 

" rests" is not the word, 
for the fun is always kept 
moving. 

Really splendid is Miss 
ALEXANDBA DAGMAB, 
who as Dandini, the 
Prince's valet, tops her 
royal master, Prince ADA. 
BLANCHE, considerably, 
and is much more of a 
Royal Highness, by her 
Royal T aline ss, than is 
the little prince. Surely 
ALEXANDBA ought to 
have been where ADA is. 
and the prince should 
have been the valet, as 
" Ada and abettor.' 
However, let us take the 
caste as it is, and be 
thankful. Petite et petil- 
lante <f esprit is the 
representative of the 
French Ambassador, 
Miss MARGUERITE COR- 
NILLE. ISA BOWMAN is 
an interesting Cinder- 
ella, [of whom the 
authors have not "made 
half enough." Poor 
Cinderella is just a bit 
out of it; as, by the way, 
she was in her kitchen. 
The show begins at&7.30, and is over about 11.30. The music is 
graceful throughout, and Conductor GLOVEB takes wonderful physi- 
cil exercise in directing the orchestra ; arms, hands, head, and all 
that is visible of him give practical illustration of the theory of 
perpetual motion. As much as he makes in money during his 
engagement, he must lose in weight. It is all good, and there are 
very few topical allusions, and not many political ones, thank good- 
ness ! as a Pantomime ought not to have anv thing of " party" about 
it, always excepting " Christmas party," of which seasonable mate- 
rial there is in this a plentiful supply. So success to the Seventeenth 
Annual ! F*>reat Druriolanus Mimut Imperator ! 



EVERY ONE'S GOOD HE1LTH! 

As the festive season draws to a close, when the plum of the 
pudding is heard of no more, when the mines-pie lingers only in 
the memory, when the bear's head ceases to adorn the buffet in 
the castle hall, when the chemist has done his best and the doctor 
has departed, when elderly maidens begin to regret lost oppor- 
tunities afforded by now vanished mistletoe boughs, and when, by 
the disappearance of the sprigs of holly, the schoolboy is reminded 
of the rapid approach of the blossoms of the birch tree, then is the 
hour when the Lordly Baron solemnly bethinketh him that some 
change of air will be beneficial to his state of health. Opportunely 
he receiveth a copy of the Fortnightly Review for January, wherein 
the title of an essay, " The Climate of South Africa and its Curative 
Influence," attracteth his kindly regard. Of South Africa and its 
gold wotteth he somewhat : it needs no BABNATO to tell him this. Of 
the climate he hath heard, but as to its "curative influence" he 
hath received no information whatever. At a glance, and with half 
an eye, he grasps the fact that "consumption" is to be grappled 
with in South Africa and its baneful effects neutralised. The 
learned medico, yclept Dr. ROBSONITJS ROOSE, whose signature is to 
this brief but most interesting article, shows " how," " when," and 
"where" to go iu search of recuperating the vital forces at Frazer- 
burg, Victoria (West), Aliwal (North), and Kimberley, ranging from 
4000 to 4500 feet up in air, places, alas, as far above the ordinary 
means of the ordinary patient as they are above the level of the sea. 
The benevolent doctor should tell us where the 4500 is to be ob- 
tained by the patient who would with pleasure ascend these 4500 
feet I ! But even if the patient obtains the ways and the means, how 
about, the Rhodes, the CECIL RHODES ? Won't the climate, just now, 
be a little too hot for any Eaglishman P So, we must wait till, first, 
we get the 4500 -and then ? 



STOPPED. 

THE other day, when I was down in the country, I suffered from 
severe toothache. I decided to came up to town the next morning, 
see a friend of mine, a famous dentist, and get back by the 3 30 
express after lunch at my club. He is a capital fellow, as kind as he 
is clever, and he touches one's aching jaw with a hand as gentle as a 
woman's. So, rather than consult a stranger in the country, I 
resolved on a three hours' journey to town, to see my friend. 

Having some other business to do, I started early, breakfasting 
very lightly and hastily at 7.30, and catching the 8.23 train after a 
six-mile drive in the keen, bracing air. My business delayed me a 
little ; my friend delayed me more. He is so much occupied. 
When at last he was able to see me and had stopped my tooth, it was 
past two, and I was very hungry. " Come with me," I said, when 
he had taken out of my mouth his hands, his instruments, and other 
impediments to conversation, "and have lunch at the club. I'm 
ravenous." 

"All right," he said. "I've half an hour; I'll come. Open 
your mouth once more. Wider, pleas?. Yep, I'm rather hungry, 
too. Had my breakfast very early, and very little of it. But you 
mustn't eat anything, you know." I almost bit his hand off in my 
effort to shout "What?" with mv mouth filled with a napkin, 
dentist's mirror, &c. "No," he said, "you mustn't bite anything 
for two hours at least, or you '11 spoil aU the stopping. You may 
have a little soup." "When we got to the club I had a little soup. 
And when he my friend had finished, and I had indignantly waved 
away the tooth-picks handed to me by the waiter, there was only just 
time to catch the 3.30 express, which doesn't stop anywhere, and 
doesn't carry any provisions. 

To have no teeth must be very uncomfortable, but to have plenty, 
and to starve, so to speak, in the midst of them, is infinitely worse. 



JANUARY 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



25 




ALICE IN WONDERLAND. 

"ARK YOU THE CARPENTER?" "YES, MISSY." 

"WHERE'S THE WALRUS, THEN?", 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(By BABOO HURRY BUNGSHO JABBEBJBE, B.A.) 

No. III. 
Mr. Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureatship. 

TT is " selon les regies " and rerum naturd that the QUEEN'S Most 
Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should 
desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top 
genius, to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary 
notice to oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or 
Dolorousness are the Court orders of the day. 

But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis SALIS- 
BURY, instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard 
with this "cordon bleu" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the 
office open to competition by public exam, and, after carefully 
weighing such considerations as the applicant's res angusta domi, 
the fluency of his imagination, his nationality, and so on should 
award the itching palm of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in 
tickling his fancy I 

Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire 
might to-day have been pleased as Punch by the selection of a 
Hindoo gentleman to do the job for I should infallibly have entered 
myself for the running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity 
of throwing soup to Cerberus, and exhibiting oolour-blindnees, has 
been given the slip, though the door is perhaps still open (even at 

Kst eleven o'clock^ P.M.) for retracing the false step and web of 
>nelope. 

For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in 
her duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, 
ehe has urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who 
would be Arcades ambo and two of a trade, and share the duties with 
their proportionate pickings. 

Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I 
alone would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon 
departments, and waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in 
cash down. 

And, if I may make the suggestion, I womld strongly advise that 



this question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely 
taken up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This 
is without prjudice to the already appointed Laureate as a swan 
and singing bird of the first water. All I desire is that the Public 
should know of another and, perchance, even rarer avis, who is 
nigroque simillima cygno, and could be obtained dog cheap for a 
mere song or a drug in the market-place, if only there is made a 
National Appeal to the Sovereign that he should be promoted to such 
a sinecure and cere perennius. 

As a specimen of the authenticity of my divine flatulence, please 
find inclosed herewith copy of complimentary verses, written by 
myself on hearing of Poet AUSTIN'S selection. Indulgence is kindly 
requested for very hasty composition, and circumstance of being 
jatiy harrowed and impeded at time of writing by an excruciating 

.l-sized boil on Iback of neck, infuriated by collar of shirt, poul- 
ticingp, and so forth. 



CONGBATULATOBY ODE. 

To Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq. 

Hail I you full-blown tulip I 
Oh I when the wheezing zephyr brought glad news 
Of your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse, 
Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at, 
To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate I 
For no poeta nascitur who is fitter 
To greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter. 
Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium, 
Far away, far away from fuliginous busy hum, 
You are now perched with phenomenal velocity 
On vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity ! 
Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petition 
Of one consumed by corresponding ambition, 
And lead the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley, 
To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali I 
"Whose arspoetica (as per sample lyric) 
Is fully competent to turn out panegyric. 
What if some time to come, mrhaps not distant, 
You were in urgent need of Deputy- Assistant ! 
For two Princesses might be COE fined simultaneously 
Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously ? 
Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy ! What a fix 
If with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks ! 
In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly, 
Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly, 
Bv an epithalamium (or what not) to inflame your credit j 
With every coronated head that will have read it I 
And the quid pro quo t magnificent and grand, Sir, 
Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza. 
Now, thou who fcale sidereal paths afar dost, 
Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dust 
Upon 

The head of him 

Whose fate depends 

On Thee I 

(Signed) BABOO HUBBY BUNGSHO JABBEBJEE. 

The above was forwarded (post-paid) to Hon'ble AUSTIN'S official 
address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal 
Aquarium), but hoity-toity and mirabile dictu ! no answer has yet 
been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous 
inattention I 

What a pity ! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of 
envy and jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whoee lucubrated 
productions may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no 
great shakes after all, and mere focd for powder I 

The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery 
of fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical 
compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who 
understand suoh articles. 

Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol 
out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the 
egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange I 

"Jusi LIKE HYMN!" SIB, Mr. STEAD is sending circulars 
about asking everyone to give him a list of " Hymns that have 
helped him." Personally I am not going to be one of the " Hims 
who will help him (Mr. STEAD)," and shall not, if asked, mention the 
names of the " Hers that have helped me," though I have a grateful 
remembrance of a nurse and nursery governess, both of whom helped 
me uncommonly well at dinner, specially about Christmas time. 
They were, however, women equally capable of helping themselves. 
Wishing STEAD steadier than ever as he grows older, 

I am, yours truly, Avis SENIOB. 



CONCISE PBECIS OF THE SITUATION IN THE TBANSVAAL. 
result of robbing Pietermaritzburg to pay " OOM PAUL." 



The 



VOI. CX. 



26 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 18, 1896. 



k 




A FREE HAND. 

The Unspeakable Turk" (to himself). ' HA I HA. I THERE 's NO ONE ABOUT I I CAN GET TO BUSINESS AGAIN I " 



JANUARY 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



27 




THE FORCE OF HABIT. 



Spai-ner (a great Cyclist, whose horse has been startled by Man on covert hack}. " Hi 1 CONFOUND YOU 1 WHY THE DKUCB DON'T 

YOU SOUND YOUR BKLL 1 I" 



BRITANNIA'S SOLILOQUY. 

(On the New Bronze Coinage.) 

OBCE upon my shield I sat, 
Gripptd my "fork" in graceful 

manner ; 

Now beside that shield I squat, 
Trident held like a stage-banner. 
Then a lighthouse and a ship, 
Flanked me either side "On* 

Penny" ; 

Now alone my spear I grip, 
And "supporters" have not any ! 
Really, 'tis exceeding funny, 
But 'tis provt d by efforts recent, 
Britons, good at making money, 
Cannot make a coin that's decent. 
Rule Britannia ? Rot sophistic ! 
Had I really sway I 'd rule 
No more duffers inartistic 
Withmy coins should play the fool 



KOKOFUKU! 

[An Ashanti Chief named KOKO- 
Ftrxu is said to have left Coomassi 
with the submission of KingPuBMBi.] 
HE has started on his way, 

KOKOFUKU ! 
And he 's bearing peace, they say, 

KOKOFUKU ! 

If his tidings really bririg 
The sulmission of his king, 
Oh, how joyously we'll sing 
Of the fame 
And the name 

Of KOKOFUKU I 




SUGGESTED FOR NEW ENGLISH COINAGE 
Bi CERTAIN DESIGNING PERSONS. 



PLEA. FOB THE LARK. 

' HA.BK. hark I the lark at Hea- 
ven's gate sings," 
But will it sing there long ? 
To market Mail ia thousands 

brings, 

These tiny sons of song. 
Now gourmets eat the morsels 

sweet ; 

They 're strung upon a string, 
With plumpy crops, at poulterers' 

shops, 

No more to soar and sing. 
A s harm t'ul sin I Will none begin 

To ope the Public eyes? 
Let everything that pretty is 
Against this outrage rise ! 

Arise I Arise I 
My Public sweet, arise I 

The kestrel and the sparrow-hawk, 

The pole-cat and the shrike, 
Pursue the bird. But how absurd, 

That Man should do the like I 
0, SHAKPPEAKE'S shade; 0, SHEL- 
LEY'S sprite, 

Arise and scourge base oits, 
Who 'd rob our sky of minstrelsy, 

To fill their pies and spits I 
Kind Punch forswears the pretty 
dears, 

On toast and eke in pie?, 
Let everything that gentle is 

Against this horror rise. 
Arise I Arise ! 

My Public sweet, arise I 



28 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 18, 1896. 




QUITE A (NEW AND ORIGINAL SUGGESTION AS SUBJECT FOE GOLD 
MEDAL AT E. A. SCHOOLS, 1896:-" THE FINDING OF MOSES." 



AT IT AGAIN? 

Swiss authorities complain that Prince 
STJI GUGEA DABGUiii, of Abyssinia, has been 
kidnapped by Italians from Neuf chatel, and 
conveyed on board of a vessel bound for Mas- 
sowah. We understand, under all reserve, 
that the following telegrams have passed : 

(1) To President Surifs Republic, Berne. 
Send ships to pursue Italians. Outrage 
indefensible. Have ordered Rhine gunboats 
to Basle in your support. WILHELM. 

(2) To German Emperor, Berlin. Im- 
possible. All our vessels laid up for winter. 
Crews engaged at London restaurants. 

ZEMP, President S. R. 

(3) To President. Recall crews Can ar- 
range to supply places with my own subj ects. 
Make demonstration on Lago Maggiore 
while I occupy Teutonic-speaking Lucerne 
and Zurich as security for costs. Mas- 
sowah under my protection. Can sell cheap 
stock of obsolete cannon. WILHELM. 

(4) To Emperor. Your action would 
spoil summer season. Cannot spare Lucerne 
or Zurich. "Why not occupy Monte Rosa 
outside our sphere of benevolent neutrality. 
Propose introducing a Bill abolishing Italian 
organs and ices. ZEHF, President 8. R. 

(5) To President Amdisgusted. Abolish 
yourself. WILHELM. 

(6) To Emperor. Ditto. 

ZEMP, President S. R. 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

ON PAYING BILLS. 

I HAVE noticed with deep and genuine regret that in the month of 
December there is always a terrible mortality amongst tradesmen. 
Why this should be so I know not. It is not to be supposed that 
tradesmen are, as a class, weaker or more liable to deadly illness than 
the rest of their fellow-citizens. Many of them I have met in the 
flesh, and they have always struck me as a particularly healthy, 
well-clad, strong, comfortable, and energetic body of men not at all 
the sort of men whom one would expect to be sent to their account 
unhouseled, disappointed, unannealed, and, above all, no reckoning 
made, by the fogs and chills of December. 

BUT there is no getting out of it : tradesmen do die with an alarm- 
ing frequency and suddenness as the end of the year approaches. As 
I write there lie before me four communications from firms with 
whom I have from time to time had dealings which have been, I 
trust, mutually profitable. Two of these are trimmed with a delicate 
little mourning border, the other two are without any external sign 
of woe, but they all tell the same story: "Dear Sir," says one, 
"owing to the recent lamented death of Mr. JOSHUA TENPENNY 
(from heart disease) we have found ourselves compelled to call in all 
liabilities due to this firm of which he was a member. We beg with 
compliments to enclose your valued account amounting to 9 10s. 4<f., 
and shall feel honoured by receiving from you a cheque for same at 
your early convenience. Trusting to be favoured with your future 
commands, and assuring you of our best attention at all times, we beg 
to remain your obedient servants, TENPENNY, TWISTEB, & Co." In 
the remaining three the phraseology and the names, of course, vary, 
but the distressing purport is the same. 

THEBE was something, however, about the document I have 
quoted which struck me as having a specially familiar air. I seemed 
to remember that other members of the same firm had also been 
called away in recent years. A search through my papers plainly 
revealed what I had only vaguely remembered. I found, to my horror, 
that, in the short space of five years, five members of this firm and 
family had submitted to fate. In December, 1890, it appeared that 
Mr. CALEB TENPENNY had died (of diphtheria), and that my account of 
6 5s. 8d. had been called in. In December, 1891, Mr. ARTHUB JOHN 
IENPENNY went off (typhoid fever), and a request was made to me 
to pay 4 8s. 2rf. In December, 1892, Mr. HENBT PARKINSON TEN- 
PENNY was summoned (by internal complications), and the melan- 
choly event was, as usual, communicated to me, together with the 
statement that I owed the firm 5 Os. 3d. Mr. WILLIAM TENPENNT 
Junior, was the next to go, influenza proving fatal to him 
in December, 1893. My account then stood, as in the previous 
year, 5 Os. 34 Sorrow at the death of Mr. HENBY PABKINSON 
L EN PEN NY had evidently caused me to omit payment of what I then 

id, and to abstain from further dealings with this death-stricken 



firm during the ensuing year. In December, 1894, there was a break. 
No TENPENNY died; the TENPENNY plum pudding was not over- 
shadowed by calamity, and the TENPENNY Christmas tree, blazing 
with festal candles, was surrounded by a joyful and united family. 
Another result seems to have been that my account, although, 
doubtless, it was rendered, remained unpaid. Obviously, however, 
this luck was top good to last, and accordingly in December, 1895, as I 
have already said, heart disease struck down Mr. JOSHUA TENPENNY. 

BUT this is not all. I was talking the matter over with a friend 
who also deals with TENPENNY, TWISTEB & Co. He shocked me by 
the information that the TWISTEBS were just as liable to December 
deaths as the TENPENNYS. GEOBGE, SYDNEY, NORMAN, ARCHIBALD, 
and CHABLE9 TWISTEB, junior, have all died since December, 1890, 
of a variety of illnesses and accidents, the most tragic incident, per- 
haps, being the fall downstairs which robbed the world of SYDNEY 
TWISTEB, and the railway collision in Spain which accounted for 
CHARLES TWTSTEB, junior. So close, in any case, is the connection 
between the component elements of this firm that no TENPENNY ever 
applies for a passage in Charon's ferry unless one of the TWISTEBS 
goes with him to mingle with the lamenting Shades. 



I MUST confess that, stated as I have stated it here, the business 
begins to wear an ugly and sinister look. I am not at all satisfied 
that these respectable gentlemen came by their deaths in a natural 
and lawful manner. I am reluctant to say anything which may 
cause offence to a body of men whom I cordially respect, but it 
does seem to me that these regularly recurring deaths, amounting in 
one firm alone to ten since December, 1890, call for a searching 
investigation from the police authorities. What if it should be dis- 
covered that there exists, by the custom of the trade, in every branch 
of business a suicide club with a rule compelling a member of a firm 
to kill himself whenever the money owed to the firm exceeds a 
certain amount, and another rule authorising the other members to 
kill him if he fails to commit suicide within a reasonable time? 
Mind, I do not affirm as a fact that such a club exists. At present I 
have no sufficient evidence, but I must say that natural causes 
appear utterly inadequate to explain the dreadful annual mortality 
amongst my unfortunate tradesmen in December. 

WITH this exception, there is something dull and prosaic about 
bills, when you can pay them. Formerly, of course, in one's under- 
graduate days for instance, things were very different. Then the 
end of every term brought its own special excitement in the shape of 
duns, who called in person to demand payment of their accounts. 
One was able to appreciate dimly the feelings of the fox when the 
feathering hounds thread through the covert and push him un- 
willingly from his lair. How artfully he slinks and glides amongst 
the trees, across the rides ; until at last he slips away with the 
" yoick '' of the huntsman ringing in his ears. With equal art could 
the undergraduate mark the approach of the relentless dun and avoid 



JANUARY 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



him. In the end the dun was usually baffled, and the under- 
graduate went home light of heart and lighter of pocket, leaving his 
sitting-room table littered with bills thick as leaves in Yallombrosa. 

BUT the day of reckoning, of course, was only deferred. In the 
end a stern but forgiving parent was appealed to, and all the bills 
were settled. In my time this was called "going a mucker"; 
probably the term is still the same. One man I remember used to 
be pointed out with a certain amount of respectful awe as having 
''gone a mucker" (i.e., appealed to his father, and had his debts 

Said) three times in one year. In fact, the payment of one's just 
ebts, not by means of one's allowance, but by the interposition of a 
parent, was looked upon and spoken of as the very crown of disasters. 
And now there is no going of muckers for most of us. We are 
turned into clergymen, barristers, doctors, business-men ; two of us 
(with one of whom I, moi qui vous parle, have rowed a race in the 
same boat) are bishops ; we have wives, families, houses, and we pay 
our debts with a sober regularity which seems to preclude the exist- 
ence of a past when duns were avoided, and unopened bills were left 
to look after themselves. Yet the days of duns and of debt were the 
happier, in spite of occasional disaster. 



PUNCH TO ME. W. D. HOWELLS. 

MY DEAE SIR, I have been reading an article from your pen in 
Harper's Weekly of January 4. It will give me genuine pleasure if 
you will count me henceforth as one of your devoted admirers, your 
servant to command in any matter in which it may be possible for 
me to oblige you. How temperately, how wisely, how humorously, 
with how broad and generous a humanity do you write of this diffi- 
culty which threatens to set our two peoples, the British and the 
American, into hostile camps. "I was greatly stirred the other 
day," you say, " in reading the President's Message concerning the 
Venezuela boundary dispute. I did not like his having four relative 
pronouns in one sentence towards the close of his message, and upon 
the whole the literature struck me as turgid and clumsy, but I 
accounted for that by the excitement he must have been in when he 
wrote it, and I felt a responsive thrill, which I took to be a patriotic 
emotion, as I read it. ... I pictured England reduced by land and 
sea to the last extremity through the powers of our army and navy 
. . . and the grass growing in the streets before the offices of the 
London newspapers which had noticed mv books unfavourably." 

Well, we too have at times experienctd that sort of emotion, and 
like you we figure it all so dramatically that we do not fancy our- 
selves taking any part personally in the difficult ard perhaps dan- 
gerous work. We delegate it, as you did, to the poor fellows who are 
to fight and bleed, and continue to be poor fellows while we reap the 
honour and glory of it. Like you, we imagine our own exemption 
from all sorrow and suffering, " and the devotion of the sort of people 
who have mostly in all ages of the world been butchered for every 
came, good or bad." Here, too, are golden words : 

" What I chiefly object to in our patriotic emotion, however, was not that 
it was so selfish, but that it was so insensate, so stupid. It took no account 
of things infinitely more precious than national honour, such as humanity, 
civilisation, and 

' the long result of time ' 

which must suffer in a conflict between peoples like the English and the 
Americans. For the sake of having our ships beat their ships, our poor 
fellows slaughter their poor fellows, we were all willing, for one detestable 
instant at least, to have the rising hopes of mankind dashed, and the sense 
of human brotherhood blunted in the hearts of the foremost peoples of the 
world." 

But is there, as you say, "in the American heart a hatred of 
England, which glutted itself in her imagined disaster and disgrace 
when we all read the PRESIDENT'S swaggering proclamation, in which 
he would not yield to the enemy so far as even to write good English ?" 
is there to be no forgiveness, are we never to cancel old scores and 
begin our international book-keeping, if I may so term it, on a clean 
page ? I do not think our people hate yours. Your dash, your pluck, 
your humour, your keen common-sense, your breezy and inexhaustible 
energy, your strength and broad capacity for government, all these 
qualities command and obtain from us a sincere tribute of admiration. 
If you hate us, we must submit to that melancholy condition, but never 
submit in such a fashion as to cease from honest effort to abate and 
in the end to remove all hatred. Blood, as one of your naval captains 
said on a memorable occasion, is thicker than water. So saying, he 
dashed in to the help of our sorely- pressed ships. Let us then call a 
truce to petty and malignant carping, and join hands in an alliance 
dependent not upon written treaties, but upon the noble sympathy 
of two great nations engaged in the same work of civilisation and 
progress. You, Sir, speaking for others, I trust, as well as for 
yourself, have set us an example. I grasp your hand, and wish you 
well in all your undertakings. 

Believe me yours in all cordial friendship, 



THE QUEEN'S LETTER TO THE GERMAN EMPEROR. 

[We publish with all reserve the following letter, which has, we under- 
stand, been despatched from Osborne Castle to Berlin. From internal 
evidence we should judge that it was not written but suggested by the 
exalted lady bv whom it purports to be signed. There is a nautical breezi- 
ness about it tnat inclines us to attribute the actual authorship to the Duke 
of T-BK. ED. Punch.} 

MELN LIBBER WILLY, Dies ist aber iiber alle Berge. Was be- 
deutet eigentlich deine Depesche an den alten KRUGER der f iir Dich 
doesn't care twopence. Solch eine confounded Impertinenz habe ioh 
nie gesehen. The fact of the matter is that Da ein furchtbarer 

Schwaggerer bist. Warum 
kannstDu nie ruhig bleiben, 
why can't you hold your 
blessed row? Musst Du 
deinen Finger in jeder Torte 
haben ? Was it for this that I 
made you an Admiral meiner 
Flotte and allowed you 
to rig yourself out in einer 
wunderschonen Uniform 
mit einem gekockten Hut ? 
If you meant mir any of 
your blooming cheek zu 
geben why did you make 
your Grandmamma Colonel 
eines Deutschen Cavallerie 
Regiments? Du auch bist 
Colonel of a British Caval- 
lerie Regiment, desto mehr 
die Sjhade, the more 's the 
pity. Als Du ein ganz 
kleiner Bube warst habe 
ich Dich oft tiichtig ge- 
spankt, and now that you 're grown up you ought to be spanked too. 
Wenn Du deine Panzerschiffe nach Delagoa Bay schickst werde ich 
tie aus dem Wasser blasen, I '11 blow your ironclads out of the water 
ehe Da dich umkehren kannst, before you can turn round. And 
look here, if you'll come over to this country werde ich Dich anneh- 
men, I '11 take you on, und ich wette drei gegen eins dasz ich Dich 
in drei Runden aueklopfen werde, Queensberry rules, three minutes 
to a round. Also ich schnappe meine Finger in your face. Da weist 
nicht wo Du bist, you dunno where you are, and somebody must 
teach you. Is BISMARCK quite well? Das ist ein kolossaler Kerl, 
nicht wahr ? So lange I Don't be foolieh any more. 

Deine Dich liebende GRANDMAMMA. 




THE ANGLO-AMERICAN FAMILY TREE. 

["After all, the English people are our people, and we are theirs." 

New York "Morning Press," January 9.] 

WILL said, Morning Press ! 'tis the root of the matter 

You 've got at your race and our race are the same ; 
Flung wide o'er the earth though our branches may scatter, 

They spring from one stock, from one sapling they came. 
'Twas a thousand long years, ere the trunk was divided, 

Since Saxon in Britain first planted the seed ; 
Slow growing through storms and compact it abided, 

The Oak-tree of Freedom no wind-shaken reed ! 
Not as mother to child, but as brother to brother, 

In age as in stature our nations are twin ; 
Side by side, not in anger confronting each other, 

In face of the world let us thow we are kin I 
Yours and ours are King ALFRED, and CHAUCER, and BACON, 

And SHAKSPEARE, and RALEIGH, and DBAKE, and Qaeen BESS ; 
Our heirship in common can ne'er be forsaken 

The glorious past we conjointly possess. 
Nowadays, too, we share with you athletes and actors, 

And Trilby we share, and affairs of the heart : 
Each day of fresh ties o'er the Pond we 're contractors- 
There 's no MONROE Doctrine in marriage or art ! 
If Teuton with Russian and Gaul were preparing 

To fly at our throat, we would face them all three I 
But attack Brother JONATHAN ? No. we 're forbearing 

To rend thus asunder the Family Tree ! 

LEGAL AND MEDICAL. The time of the year is a troublesome one 
for those subject to gout and kindred complaints, but would it be 
correct for a lawyer to describe his symptoms as livery of seisin ? 

THE KAISER'S FAVOURITE SONG. " William ' sure to be right." 



30 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 18, 1896. 




'TOUT EST PERDU, FORS L'HONNEUR!" 

Housekeeper (who has been describing the fire in the country house, and the destruction of all the books and family pictures, <&c., <fcc.). " YBS, 
MT LADY, IVERY SINGLE PICTURE BURNT TO ASHBS 1 Bur I 'VB on* THING TO TELL YOU THAT WILL PLEASE YOU:-/ MANAGED TU 
SAVE ALL LAST YEAR'S JAM!" 



THE PILOT THAT WEATHERED 
THE STORM. 

(Mr. Punch's Adaptation cf Canning's Celebrated 
Song to Mr. Chamberlain.) 

IF hush'd the loud shindy that shattered our 

sleep, 

The sky if no longer dark shadows deform. 
If the worst of it's o'er, with the Boer, shall 

we keep 

Silent tongue on the pilot that weathered 
the storm ? 

At the footstool of JOSEPH Punch never did 

fawn, [cries ; 

Against him he joined not in faction's dull 

With those who abused, from their ranks 

when withdrawn, 

The man who till then they'd extolled to 
the skies. 

But clever ODO! pluck to all Britons is dear, 
An example of which now the nations 

behold. 

A statesman unbiassed by bounce or by fear, 
Is worth, in a crisis, his weight in pure 
gold. 

When wonder and doubt in the hearts of us 

reigned, 

When a semi-piratical flag seemed unfurled, 
He the honour and faith of our country main- 
tained, 

And set us all right in the sight of the 
world. 

We are thankful all round an enthusiast craze 
Did not set half the world in a deuce of a 
shine ; [owe praise, 

It to CHAMBEBLAIN'S coolness and pluck we 
Where's the partisan fool who '11 that tri- 
bute decline ? 



Not yet, Sir, the course of your botherraent 's 

oer; [to all! 

May your talents and virtues prove equal 

Bat now we'll give praise both to you and 

the Boer, [could fall. 

With a tear for mad pluck which to folly 

Take thanks for great dangers by wisdom 

repelled, 

For evils by coolness and readiness braved ; 

For the Throne by considerate counsels 

upheld, [saved. 

And the People from perils precipitate 

And, JOE, if again sudden ructions should 

rise, [darkness deform, 

The bright dawnings of peace should fresh 

The trust of the good and the hopes of the 

wise [storm ! 

Will turn to the pilot that weathered this 



PENNY STEADFULS. 

[Mr. STEAD is issuing a penny edition of 
standard works of fiction.] 

ONLY a penny left of sixpence I had when 
I went into "Spotted Dog" 1 Not enough 
for glass of ale. Mate advises me to try a 
penn'orth of CHARLEY DICKENS. Here goes I 

CHAKLEY is prime. Must sret more of him. 
Spend a bob on Pickwick. Why ain't there a 
penn'orth o' Sam Wetter ? Sam is prime, 
too. Find the missis wanted that bob for 
Sunday's dinner. Can't give it her. Wishes 
to know if I've spent it "on the booze"? 
No. only " on the read." 

Pennorth of Tom Jones next. Tow's a 
ripper. Penn'orths of Monte Cristo, CHABLEY 
READE, Joshua Davidson, &c. 

Don't like this half-and-half system. 
Prefer the " entire." Spend one week's wages 
on DUMAS. No more escapes from prison, 



though. What a sell! Landlord wants n nt, 
and missis wants tin for food. Spent it all. 
Tell missis I'm bound to buy a penny She. 
She doesn't understand, and hints wilh a 
saucepan at a judicial separation. Better 
out of this I Off to " Spotted Dog." 

Sat up all night over Charles 0" 1 Medley. 
Head splitting. Wanted five glasses to make 
it right. Fined for being late at work. Told 
foreman it was all due to Mr. STEAD s penny 
novels. Foreman replied it was more likely 
Mr. BONG'S twopenny beer. How unjust ! 

Brokers in ! Seized all my novels ! Mistus 
in workhouse. Says novels are worse than 
drink. No money to get more. What shall I dp? 

Just pawned children's boots. Got Vanity 
Fair the whole hog, too. Disappointed. 
THACKEBAY ain't in it with the CHABLEYS. 
Read two chapters of the Fair thought it rot 
off to " Spotted Dog " again. Jolly evening. 

No home. And no employment 1 Sleep in 
casual ward. And to think that it's half- 
pints of fiction that have brought me to this I 



To "Daily News." 
( A propos of an Interview recently reported. ) 

" J. B. ROBINSON, he, 

Seems to know something of S. Afrikey." 



Week-end Party in a Country House. 

Ordinary Man of Forty. I see someone 
writes to the Times to sav that the KAISEB 
ought to be turned out of the Army and Navy. 

Charming Girl (much affected by the pro- 
posed punishment quite innocently). What! 
do they want him not to be allowed to ' ' shop " 
there ? 

A NEW "LABOUB OF HEBCULES" (ROBIN- 
SON). To struggle with the Boer- constrictor. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 18, 1896. 




KEADY ! 



COME THE THREE CORNERS OF THE WORLD IN ARMS, 

AND WE SHALL SHOCK THEM: NOUGHT SHALL MAKE US RUE, 

IF ENGLAND TO ITSELF DO REST BUT TRUE." King John, Act V., Scene 7. 



JANUARY 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



33 



A FRIENDLY WORD WITH THE 
WAR-WIZARD. 

[" It would require but the impetus of war to 
develop such a (food of destructive appliances as 
would astonish the world. I have invented a 
machine by which water charged with 5000 volts 
can be hurled to a great distance, which directed 
on an army would sweep it away like chaff." 
Mr. Edison.'} 

PHEUGH I The bow, and the sword, and the 
dagger, 

The hundred-ton gnu and torpedo, 
(If one may trust EDISON'S swagger. 

And Science's ultimate credo), 
Have been merely tentative trifles 

On mankind's red highway of slaughter. 
Machine-guns and murderous rifles, 

Must yield to electrified water ! 
Oh, thankee, dear EDISON, thankee 

Inventions like yours are " transcendent," 
And War, as improved by the Yankee, 

Will be as mere carnage resplendent. 
How puny old Jupiter's bolts 

Compared with your watery deluge, 
Which, charged up to five thousand volts, 

" Will sweep armies away " ! Oh ! a yell 
Must rise from well, regions below, [huge 

For you 'ye licked the artillery Satanic. 
Whole armies you '11 smash at a blow I 

No wonder JOHN BULL 's in a panic. 
Your dynamo-chains ''like great snakes," 

Your horrid electrical cables, 
Are terrible scientist fakes 

Unless they are journalist fables. 
Well, well, we must " keep on our har " 

As well as we can in our terror. 
But snakes 1 Edisonian war 

Would be Hades let loose, and no error. 
Aerial infernal machines, 

Dropping dynamite down what a benison I 
Yon '11 realise, doubtless, the means 

Conceived by the fancy of TENNYSON ! 
Then your water- torpedoes I lor I 

We admit we are awfully frightened 
You 'd annihilate us, were it war, 

Ere one could remark that it lightened I 
At least, so you kindly explain. 

How friendly, dear boy, is your warning ! 
To your country you 'd give your big brain, 

All work save for slaughtering scorning. 
Well, well, we are glad that we know : 

We believe all your bounce to the letter. 
And now you have had your big " blow," 

Punch hopes, my dear boy, you feel better I 



JACKY AT THE MANSION HOUSE. 

(An Intercepted Letter.) 

MY DEAB BOBBY, I promised when we said 
" good-bye" to one another at Old WHACKEM'S 
that I would write to you if anything particu- 
larly nice turned up. Well, I have been busy 
ever since. I have been to four theatres, a 
circus (Crystal Palace), eix children's "at 
homes," and one 'teen Cinderella. I said I 
would tell you how many ices I am taking, but 
I gave up counting when I got to nine hundred 
and ninety-seven. At the Mansion House the 
other night 1 had sixteen. And that reminds 
me the juvenile's fancy dress ball was simply 
first-rate. The LOBD MAI OB is no end of a 
good fellow. And the dance was A 1. And 
the supper 1 Well, it satisfied me, and you 
know I am a bit of an epicure. 

And the dresses ? Well, some of them were 
nrst-rate. There were two young ladies with 
Christmas-trees on their heads, who were abso- 
lutely charming. Then CHAUCEB with a 
wreath, and Toreador with a sword, were 
quite the early English poet, and the latest 
fctyle of bull-fighter. There were all sorts of 
costumes, uniforms. Indians, Charley's 
Aunts, and jockeys. But, as I heard a grown- 
up say, the best realisation of the ball was 




Bill Sykes (reading). "THERE ABE NOW TEN MEN OF THE BKCHUANALA.ND BORDER POLIO R 

IN THE WHOLE BECHUANALAND PROTECTOBATE, FOUR OF WHOM ABE DOING CUSTOMS DUTY." 



the LOBD MAYOB himself. Sir WALTEB 
WILKIN is no end of a good sort. He 's not 
only a Lord Mayor but has worn a barrister's 
wig and commanded a brigade of artillery I 
From this yon will imagine that he is a big 
gun himself. So he is, but also something 
better. He's a jolly good fellow. And so 
say all of us. Aud by all I mean everybody. 

And now I must stop as I have got to be off 
to the pantomime. 

Yours thoroughly enjoying himself, 

JACKY. 

CHORUS AT A MATINEE. 

OH I Have you seen Robinson Crusoe t 
Lyceum ? If not, try and do so, 

For LAUBI and STOBBY 

Are both in their gloryj 
Sweet ALICE, Miss BBOOKKS, is young Crusoe. 



"WtiLF, WULF!" At Christmas time 
every effort is made to keep the wolf from the 
door. The rich help the poor, and the power- 
ful the weak. As practical men, the directors 
of the Crystal Palace have gone a step farther, 
and instead of closing the gates of the Syden- 
ham show, have opened its portals to the wel- 
come outsider. M. WULF is a host in himself, 
especially when represented by his circus. 



THE LAUREATE'S FIRST RIDE. 

(The New Poet-Laureate's verses appeared in the 

"Times," Saturday, January 11.) 

SONG, is it song ? Well blow it I 

Bat I'll sing it, boys, all the same 
Because I 'm the Laureate Poet, 

That 's the worst of having a name I 
I must be inspired to order, 

" Go, tell 'em, to save their breath : " 
I can rhyme to " order" with " border," 

And jingle to " breath " with " death." 

" Let lawyers and statesmen addle 

Their pates over points of law ; " 
Of Pegasus I 'm in the saddle, 

But why does he cough " Hee-haw" ? 
Eight stanzas ! Inspired I Mad ones ! 

Sound well if sung to a band ! 
There 1 dash it I some good, some bad ones, 

To finish with " crusbings" and " Rind." 
A. A. 

"BUSINESS CABBIED ON AS USUAL DUBLNG 
THE ALTEBATTONS." " Lord HA WKE'S Eleven 
playing the Johannesburg team according to 
previous arrangement." 

A SCHOOLBOY'S QUEBY. Are three police- 
men's feet equal to one Scotland Yard. 



34 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 18, 1896. 




AN ASTRONOMER. 

Mrs. S. "Br THB WAT, I HEAR JUPITER THE EVENING STAR is WORTH .SEEING JUST 

NOW. CAN EITHER OF YOU GlRLS TELL HE WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT ? " 

Bertha. "YES, I CAN. IT'S BXACILY TWO YARDS AND A HALF TO THE RIGHT OF THE 
GREAT BBAR!" 

Mrs. S. "TWO YARDS AND A HALF I WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN t " 

Bertha. " WBLL, I'VE MEASURED IT CAREFULLY WITH MY UMBRELLA!'' 



NURSERY RHYMES IN " BOOK FORM 

(Dedicated, without especial permission, to the 
Baron de Book- Worms.) 

Am " Jack Sprat." 

WALTER SCOTT 

Wrote no "rot"; 
DICKENS was ne'er obscene. 
For authors great 
As these we wait. 
To sweep onr Hill Top clean. 

AIK " Hi-diddle-diddle." 

Hi-Kipple-Kipple ! 

Your rhymes no more ripple ; 

Your prose, too, is getting abstruse. 
If you 've got more of Mowgli, 
Drown him in the Hoogli, 

And banii-li the rest to the deuce. 

AIR " Baa, baa, black sheep." 

" Mar-Mar-Relli, have you any rule P " 
" Yes, Sir, surely. ' Critic means a/oo/.' 
I have a grievance, Satan has as well ; 
A'though I think and you'll agree bis 
Sorrows are a sell." 

AIR " Humpty Dumpty" 

GRANTIE ALLIE sat on the hill. 
GRANTIE ALLIE had a great spill. 
All gentle readers, both women and men, 
Hope he will never go there again. 

AIB " Three Blind Mice." 

Three good books. See how thev sell ! 
Platform, Press, Play, by T. H. 8. E., 
Tall Talk by Sii ALLEY, and Blackwood't 

"8hirle," 
They 've none of your modern morbid i tee 
These three good looks. 

AIR " Mary, Mary, quite contrary" 

OUTDA, OUIDA, CORELL'S leader, 
How does your MS. grow t 

Latin, Greek, quotations fleek. 
And epithets " all in a row." 

AIR "Little Jack Homer" 

Little too Hardy, do not be tardy 
In mending your too-blue cake. 

For, by scissors and paste, 

'Tis not good to the taste, 
But a most injudicious " half-bake " I 



BEBLIN WOOL GATHERING. 

(A Page from Somebody 1 s Diary.) 

Sunday. After preaching my customary sermon to the members 
of the Court, and putting an equerry under arrest for falling asleep 
before the end of it, took up my favourite book, The Life of 
Barnum, and sought for inspiration. Drew blank this time. How- 
ever, dashed off letters to the POPE and the Archbishop of CANTER- 
BURY, giving the first a few hints upon ritual, and the last a new 
pattern for lawn sleeves. 

Monday. Spent the morning pleasantly in trying on uniforms 
and being photographed in the whole thirty of them. Read in the 
papers that someone had found out a new star. Wired my personal 
congratulations to the observant savant, and desired him to call his 
astronomical discovery after me. Gave a lecture to my "veteran 
class." Fair attendance of elderly ecclesiastics, warriors, and diplo- 
matists. My subject- treated simply and literally" How to empty 
eggs by suction," greatly appreciated. Sent a professor to gaol for 
danng to give a testimonial to a pill manufacturer such recom- 
mendations should be endorsed with my signature. I cannot allow 
tampering with my prerogative. 

Tuesday. Noticing that the Little Pedlington football team has 
proved victorious in a contest with the Shoreditoh Outsiders, I sent 
messages of hearty congratulation to the one and sincere condolence to 
the other. Delivered another lecture to the " veteran class," a body 
which, on this occasion, had to be collected together at the point of 
the bayonet. My subj eot, ' ' My self as Universal Instructor," was full 
of interest. Spent the rest of the day in solving the problem " how 
to attain the maximum of interference in the minimum of time." 



Wednesday. Roughed out a scheme for an International Exhibi- 
tion. Should be sixteen times as big as Chicago. Central idea a 
colossal statue of myself. Should be twice as high as the Tour Eiffel. 
Another feature a gigantic wheel four times the size of that at 
Earl's Court. In the hundred cars should be bands of nmt-ie playing a 
new National Anthem about me, composed by myself. Sent a message 
of congratulation to Drury Lane. However, next year must beat 
the record myself. Nothing I thould like better than producing a 
pantomime. 

Thursday. Rather neglected my fleet and army lately. ^ 0/dered 
off all the available vessels to the coast and organised an invasion. 
Prepared for a row anywhere. Filled in half-a-dozen telegrams of 
congratulation, and dispatched them in all directions'. Spent the 
remainder of the day in consultation with my tailor. Have schemed 
out a sort of combination uniform, composed of two-thirds field- 
marshal to one- third admiral of the fleet. 

Friday. Great fan ! I have been taken seriously I Friendly 
power says that I have insulted it I Must have international potters 
of mvself. Portrait, of course. One thousand double crowns. Try 
one thousand ought to do as a commencement. Must have more 
stations than the soap people. Ought to bill from the Arc' ic to the 
Antartic. Sent message if congratulation to the proprietors of the 
Self-appreciative Savon. 

Saturday. Very much disturbed by a dream. Fancied in my 
sleep that I was at Eton. Just begun my customary game, when a 
fellow bigger than myself tdd me 1 "wanted the bumptiousness 
taken out of me," and gave me a good sound kicking I 

NEW YEAR TITLES. Turk : Family Butcher. 



JANUARY 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



35 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 
THE YACHTSMAN TO HIS LASS. 

THE breeze is blowing full and fair, 

The billows danoe with glee, 
And sparkle 'neath the noonday glare 

Like jewels of the sea. 
The schooner's bow begins to dip, 

Her snowy wings are free ; 
The dinghy's waiting by the " slip " 

For you, my lass, and me. 

How nautical your pretty dress, 
Your hat with sailor brim, 

The buttons lettered " R. Y. S." 
Upon your jacket trim ; 

Your silken knot with burgee ring, 
Your shirt of navy blue. 

Your dainty telescope in sling- 
All typical of you. 

We 're off I and westward be our way 

O'er Solent's flowing tide. 
"We'll race the sun till close of day, 

As swiftly on we glide 
By Yarmouth's pier and Totland's strand, 

By Alum's glowing bay. 
By where, mist-clad, the Needles stand, 

White sentinels mid grey. 

Hurrah I hurrah I the eager wind 

Makes all the canvas fill. 
The lighthouse we have left behind 

On I on! to Portland Bill. 
Your Viking blood must feel the spell, 

"With ecstasy must flow 

Sp*ak louder I What ? Oh, very well, 

You 'd better go below ! 



EQUALLY TRUE. It is stated by a teetotal 
scientist that any man drinking plain hot 
water for a year or two will never again need 
whiskey. Dr. PUNCH confidently asserts that 
anyone drinking plain hot whiskey for the 
same period will never again require water. 

QUERY (by One " who only asks for infor- 
mation "). Was the President of the Orange 
Free State born in Belfast ? 




TALENT v. GENIUS. 

Bob (the man of genius). "GOOD HEAVENS! THEY'RE ADVERTISING THE TENTH EDITION 

OF THAT CONFOUNDED BOOK OF YOURS WHICH I 'VE NEVER READ, AND NEVER MEAN TO 1 

WHAT RUBBISH IT MUST BE, TO BE so POPULAR AS ALL THAT I " 

John (the man of talent). "An, WELL ONE MUST LIVX, YOU KNOW I LOOK HERE, OID 

MAN, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT IF YOU *LL MAKE IT WORTH MY WHILE, I 'LL PROMISE 
TO WRITE IN LESS THAN A WEEK A THREE -VOLUME NOVEL THAT SHALL FALL AS STILL- 
BORN FROM THE PRESS AS IF YOU 'D WRITTEN EVERY WORD OF IT YOURSELF, AND SPBNT 
A COUPLE OF TEARS IN THE PROCESS I " 



MARY ANNER ON MARBLE 'ALLS AND AMERICAN NOTIONS. 

fin America it is customary to make forecourts and house-steps of marble, 
and clean them with long-handled swabs without the necessity of kneeling.] 

" I DREAMT I dwelt in marble 'alls I " One thinks of that old ditty 
A-hearing of them Yankee steps. If people knowed they 'd pity 
The sorrows of a servant-girl a-kneeling and a-slopping, 
As might be done in cumfort-like by marble flags and mopping. 
Same as I ' ve eeed them sailors do ; wioh my young man 's a yotman, 
As caught my 'art 'e is that smart ! and cut out JEM the potman, 
Last Heaster-time as ever was. JACK, 'e sees me hearthstoning 




This ain't no work in winter- time for pore young gals. blow it I 
I '11 give your red-nosed dragon beans ! " Sez I, " No 



stow it ! 



Now JACK, dear, 



She's bossing through the blinds at yer this blessed moment, 

drat 'er I 
You'd only make it wus for me a- faring on the matter. 

" think they led to 'eaven, 
.e routs me up at seven, 
snow by breakfast-time ! "'Ere 
JACKY 

Let out a large-sized swear, and bunked, a-biting at 'is 'baccy 
As though it was the nubbly nose of that there Miss BELINDER. 
As e could twig a-piping on 'im through the parlour winder. 
Heigho ! 'Taint no use 'owling, but JACK'S right ; this 'ere step- 
cleaning 
Ain't woman's work by enny means. You'd understand my 

meaning 

J1K. a JPPi n ? cold, east wind, some morning in December, 
Wltn chilblains on yer 'ands and 'eels, and aches in every member, 
A j <r- 8< an ^ a re< ^ er nose an ^ a 'ousemaid's knee a-coming, 
And Miss BELINDER at the blinds a-soowling and a-drumming, 



You 'ad to clean those cold stone-steps and flags slap down the 

garden. "- >0 

" Fiddle I " sez Miss BELINDER. " It '11 brace yer up. and 'arden." 
'Arden P lor' ! If shivery, sore, numb feelings 'aiden anyone, 
/ought to be as 'ard as nails. A step-gal, now, a penny one, 
Or tuppenny touch, one o' them towzly, trollopy tramps as tout 

about 
For morning jobs, and then run loose, are 'ard, that there's no doubt 

about. 

But decent gals as love fal-lals, mere flesh and blood ones, perishes 
A 'earthstoning them steps and stones our English missis cherishes. 
Therefore them marble steps and mops the Yankee 'ired 'elps uses, 
Makes my mouth water. JOHNNY BULL is stubborn, and refuses, 
Most times, to learn of f urriners ; but in their floors and pavings 
Them Yankees seem to beat us. 0, the comforts and the savings, 
In colds, and cramps, and 'ousemaid's knees, if scrubbings and cold 

stoppings, 

Could be did 'ere, as over there, without our 'ard knee-floppings I 
And if inwentors 'ere will take this lesson from the Yankee, 
UsEnglish servants gals will shout one loud tremeDJous "Thankee! 1 1 " 

The Long and the Short of it. 

SCENE A Board School. 

Pupil. Oh, prithee, teacher, tell to me, 

Are we at war with Ashantee ? 
Teacher. On that my information 's scanty : 

But, p'raps, my lad, you mean Ashanti ? 

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. A reviewer contends in the Pall Mall 
Gazette that all books ought to be out. On the other hand, many, 
not absolutely thin-skinned, authors declare that reviewers ought to 
be treated in the same way. 

THE LTNE WHICH is OFTEN DRAWN. The Equator. 



36 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUAEY 18, 1896. 



"UNDER WHICH KING" (STEEET, ST, JAMES'S). 

HOPE told a fluttering tale when he wrote his stirringly, highly- 
charged Sir-John-Gilbertesquian romance, The Prisoner of Zenda. 
Anyone fond of the lighter kind of music united to an extravagant 
plot, while reading ANTHONY HOPE'S romance, must have seen what a 



sham King of Ruritania. It gives additional zest to the situation 
that Lord Topham, the English Ambassador, capitally played by Mr. 
GEORGE BANCROFT (who has quitted the Court (of law) to appear at St. 
James's), should be the impostor's uncle, but so blind as not to recog- 
nise his nephew. All this is pure extravagant fun. That the 
Princess Flavia should fall in love with the imposter, and he with 



cnance there would have been in it f jr an opera after the style of ! her, is all part of " the humour of it." But that this should ever be 

La Grande Duchesse de Gerolstein, book by MEILHAC and HALEVY, ' i * 1 : 

and music by the late King of opera-bouffe composers, JACQUES 
OFFENBACH. It needed an OFFHNBACH; for anyone else, English, 
French, or German, touching this subject would have found himself 
woefully hampered and bothered by Oifenbacbian memories. 

Here are all his characters to 
hand: here is his Grand Duke, 
his courtiers, his General Bourn 
conspiring to support the Young 
Pretender ; here is the pretty 
princess ready for a sweet song 
and a love duet ; here are evi- 
dently burlesque imitations of 
Wagnerian Ortrude and Telra- 
mond, immediately recognisable 
in Antoinette de Mauban and the 
Black Michael, fitted with grand 
situations for ultra comic duets, 
to be taken most seriously : while 
in opportunities for solos, trios, 
grand choruses, ballets, and spec- 
tacular effects, never could libret- 
tist's book be richer. There is for 
the librettist and composer a per- 
fect wealth of material; but for 
the playwright, choosing to take 
himself and this story seriously, 
all that is food for the comic opera 
librettist, is, to him, poisop. So 
much for the romance and the 
opera-bouffe, the King ofTooriru- 
ritania, as it might have been: and 
now for the play by EDWARD ROSE, 
the Blooming ROSE, as presented 
at the St. James's Theatre. 

It is in a Prologue and four Acts. It commences at a quarter to 
eight, and is over t>y, or soon after, eleven. The Prologue is a little 
drama in itself ; it is admirably played by Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER 




seriously impossible ! 
"When in the last Act is seen the miserable victim of this light- 
hearted practical joke, the King, dying in the vault of the castle, the 
audience having thoroughly " entered into the humour of the thing," 
are on tiptoe of expectation for him to say something at which they 

can laugh ; but suddenly they find 
that "this joke is no joke," that 
what is fun for the boys is death 
to the frog, and they discover that 
this tragic situation, rendered 
still more tratie by Mr. ALEX- 
ANDER'S forcible acting, is not by 
any means in keeping with the 
farcical antecedents. 

Then when action commences, 
when the repentant Antoinette 
sympathises with the miserable 
monarch, when she has been res- 
cued from the obj Actionable atten- 
tions of one ruffian only to fall 
into the arms of another, when 
there has been a fight to rescue 
her, and when the castle has been 
taken by storm (that is, by troops 
only "heard without"), and 
everything somehow or another 
( luht to end happily, then the 
author disappoints us, the lovers 
separate never to meet again, and 
down comes the curtain on the 
poor deserted Princess Flavia, 
the living victim of a prepos- 
terous practical joke I And the 



Trio of Conspirators, led by General Sapt-Boum ! 
Damons ! Chan tons ! 
" Petits pas ! Petits pas 
Petits, petite, petits pas ! " Grande Duehei.se. 



as "the Red Elphege," of 1733 which sounds like a peculiar wine 
of a good vintage year ; bv Mr. WARING as " the Black Elphege," 
which sounds a bit like the Original Bones of Christy Minstrelsy, 
with a song " The Waring of the Black" parody upon " The 
Wearing of the Green" ; by Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY, as the Heavy 
Husband, who, in company with Miss MABEL HACKNEY (a fresh 
yours: actress, in spite of her name), Mr FEATHERSTONE, Mr. BOYCE, 
and Mr. SIEBNHOYD, struts his short half-hour on the stage, and then 
is heard no more. In this Prologue, had Prince Rudolph, or the 
husband, been killed, we should have had a complete little one Act 
domestic tragedy, a lever du rideau of exceptional merit, well worth 
seeing on account of the acting. But those who come in at 8.30 may 
comfort themselves by the assurance that the Prologue they have 
missed is not essential to the plot, its incidents being recounted in 
about three lines during the progress of the First Act of the play. 

And this first Act is excellent. The device by which a " double " is 
nibstituttcl for Mr. ALEXANDER, who, as the moustachioless, tippling 
King, topples over on the right-hand side of the stage when, almost 
at the same instant, he himself, as Rassendyll, the mouetachioed 
English tourist, enters on the left, is one of the best deceptions 
since Duboscq and Lesurques, the two single gentlemen rolled into 
one actor, startled the town. The change is effected with such neat- 
ness and precision as to defy' detection. The oldest stagers will be 
puzzled, and the youngest will scarcely believe their eyes. 

In fact, the three first Acts are all as good as they can be ; but the 
question must arise, what sort of piece are we looking at P Is it not 
the dramatic representation of an extravagant practical joke, which 
the originators are taking with a light heart, and in which the author 
has been puzzled as to how it is to be taken, seriously or not P If 
seriously, then the motive is inadequate, and the striking tragedy 
notes of Miss LILY HAN.BTJRY as the handsome mistress of '"the 
Black Elphege" represented by Mr. HERBERT WARING, that double- 
dyed black villain, ought to give the tone to the piece ; in which case 
the merriment of the three practical jokers, Rassendyll, Colonel Sapt 
(Mr. W. H. VERNON), and Fritz (Mr. ROYSTOIT), is quite out of place. 
But, on the contrary, it is the light-hearted gaiety of the conspirators 
which carries the audience along and makes "our friends in front" 
participators in the jest, thoroughly enjoying the audacious humour 
of the situation. It is good fun to see all these magnificently haughty 
nobles, the Cardinal Primate, the Lords and Ladies, the representa- 
tives of the Great Powers, all taken in, and kissing the hand of the 



audience, after paying just 
tribute to the excellence of the 
things had turned out rather 



acting, go away wishing that 
differently. 

Now. how ought this practical joke to have ended ? Thus : The 
toper King should have been allowed, like Barnardine, the drunken 
convict, to have been spoken of as having drank hionelf to death ; 
he should not have been seen at all. The walls should have been 
battered down, the successful troops admitted, and Princess Flavia 
should have b^en proclaimed Queen, giving her hand to Rudolf 
Rassendyll as Prince Consort. Cheers, triumphant music, tableau, 
curtain, and everyone happy. 

Of course it is not likely that this suggestion as to excision of 
Prologue and re- writing the finish will be acted upon ; hut had it 
been thus, then whatever the present success of this piece may be, 
interesting and amusing as it now is, its popularity would have been 
undisputed, and its run trebled. As it is, it may well be seen and 
enjoyed for the acting of all concerned in it ; but to ask either actors 
or audience to take seriously the characters aiding and abetting so 
''comic- opera" a plot, is to demand an impossibility. And thus it 
is that anything like real sentiment, acted or spoken, is so much 
wasted force. This play is one thing, and Mr. HOPE'S original romance 
quite another. In effect, Mr. ROSE is " Hope-ing against Hope." 



His Own Poetical Explanation of It. 

WHY our linkman didn't appear for a week after the first of the 
New Year : 

So many tips 'e 'ad an' many " nips " 'e 

Took down ! through these ere tips 'e got quite tipsee. 

\_Forgiven, but 'e 'opes not to be forgotten next year. 



" WALKER LONDON." Where are our diaries for this New Year P 
Where ? ' ' Echo answers, ' WALKER ' I " The question solvitur a mbu- 
lando. WALK KR has just published his diaries, of all shapes and sizes, 
to suit all pockets and all tastes, for taste must be included when a 
popular book is likely to be in everybody's mouth. Neat, not bulky, 
with patent pencils that need no cutting, and some of them with 
cavers that will last long and improve with age, so that all that 
will be necessary up to end of present century (whenever that may 
be, for already there is a difficulty as to when the next century is to 
commence) for the possessor of one of these handy pocket-books to 
do, is to follow the example of a good sporting landed proprietor, 
and preserve the covers, taking care to stock them afresh each 
year. 



JANUARY 25, 1896.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



37 




THE MODESTY 



GENIUS. 



Country Vicar (muck impressed by his new acquaintance). 
" PBAY TBLL ME, MR. WISPE, OF ALL THE GREAT POBTS, 
AKCIENT AND MODERN, WHICH DO TOTT REVERE AND AD- 
MIRE THE MOST?" 

Svpr erne young Poet (the third that has appeared this week). 
"MYSBLF." 



GABBY; OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. 

(By " Hansom Jack.") 

No. XIII. CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS ON THE ROAD LADIES AND 
GENTLEMEN TIPS AND NIPS TOFFY TINDAL'S TALE MORAL 
FOR MTJNIFICENCE. 

" 'OLIDAYS ? Fudge I " grumbles old BILLY BOGER, wropped up like 

a turtle, and toasting 'is back 
At our bit of a fire, Christmas Day in the morning. " Wot 's 'olidays 

mean to a 'nsky old 'ack, 
A stiff 'un like me, without ne'er a old stookin' for old Santa "Wot 'a it 

e to fill foil o' toys ? 
'Olidays P Gammon I They don't mean not nuffin', 'oept peiks to 

the toppers and larks to the toys." 

Bilious old BILLY is sour but not silly, 
truth in 'is talk. 



"With some oily leaves tickling yer rose through the trap if you take a sly peep 
at the party inside, 

With seventeen bundles, a cait, and a rockin'-'orse, swellin' like six with good- 
nature and pride. 

Give me the gents for good fares and a tip or so. Lydies lord love 'em I 
sweet, sour, young or old, [though silver was gold. 

Go mostly "according to COCKER" with cabbies. They 'andle their purse as 

And copper was silver. Their neat- kidded fingers, though tiny and trim, 'aye 
no end of a grip, [a lip. 

And not one in ten on 'em reckons 'er bundles kerrect, or is moved to give Cabby 

Lydies not bizness-like ? Bless yer, the beauties just beat Mister Man at that 
game by a mile. [smile, 

See a small fist twisted round a port-money, a pair o' red lips, as look made for a 

Snap sharp upon " That 's your right fare, Cabman 1 " Scissors ! Nutcrackers 
not in it for nip with she- jaws. 

And grumbling's about as much good against females as fists against granite, 
or tears against laws. 

The worst o' the gents is, they will ply the liquor so I Don't mind a weed now 
and then, good or bad [awfully 'ad). 

(And some of the toffs must buy tuppenny duffers, or be by their 'bacoynists 

But seventeen whiskies took on seriatum will tell on the toughest ; and then 
such a mix, [a fix. 

From Port to Old Tom, as you get at this eeason I it puts sober coves in a bit of 

To take 'alf the neat New Year nips out in tuppences, that would suit Cabbies, 
and likewise their wives. [strives. 

London, you see 's a 'ard place to keep sober in, special at Christmas, 'owever one 

That form of convivialness known as " treating," to cabbies and others is just a 
fair cuss, 

Lots will stand you free drinks all the evening, and yet if you're broke for a 
tanner will raise a big fuss. 

Rum thing, 'uman friendship 1 It often sticks close to mere self as its shadder. 

For what can you think 
Of a "jolly good pal" whose sole notion of 'elping a stoney-broke chum is to 

stand Mm a drink P 
Just feels disposed for a booze-mate, that 's all, for a lot of big laps don't like 

lapping alone, [a 'eart like a stone. 

And there 's many a swaggercome treater-all-round who, away from the bar, 'as 

So gents, remember when dealing with Cabby, andBobby, and others at'oliday time. 
Free standing of drinks isn't always a kindness, is frequent most selfish, and 

sometimes a crime 
Wish you 'ud known TOFFY TINDAL I Ah, TOFFY, old pal, it is many long years 

since you died, [at my side ? 

But wouldn't I relish a crack with you now, or a rattle up west, lad, with you 

Smart as they made 'em, and 'earty and gamesome, a swell for those days before 

FORDER- sound throueh, 
Except in the throttle .' Once flash that with liquor too much, and poor TOFFY 

was in for a screw. 
Fought it, 'e did, with 'is pooty wife aiding, and me, well, /didn't 



'E stretches a bit, but there 's 



Wot is Merry Christmas to BILL'S crippled gal, with a cough like a 

creak and a face like grey chalk ; 
Who spends the great day with penwipers and pincushions, grinding 

away at a few bob a gross, 
And wolfing 'er sag sige and mashed without stopping ? To drop it, 

to 'er, would be no mighty loss. 

Nevertheless, while you 're young, straight, and 'ealthy, the crush of 

the 'oliday-makers all round, 
Though you're nailed to your box, makes the world a bit warmer. 

There 's that in the scuffle and buzzy-wuz sound 
Of a number of people a flocking together, for 'olidays, shoppin', a 

fog, or a fire, 
As makes you less lonesome, though you may be out of it. Carn't 

quite say why. P'r'aps some gent will inquire. 

So /like Christmas-time, spite of .old BILLY, who calls it all bunga- 

ron-bosh ; poor old crock ! 
Lor', the rum cab-loads one 'as at this season ! Full from the floor to 

the cab- roof, plum- chock, 



shirk 'elping, you bet. 
'Appy days f 'Appy days I We was young, 'earty, 'opef al ; and 
'olidays then ah I I think of 'em yet, 

Especial that Christmas when TOFFY'S young missus 'ad brought 'im 

TOFF was as proud as two 



a present, 'e called it a doll. 

Along of its yellow-topped flunaaess. 

Punches, and so was 'is POLL. 



As luck would 'ave it the night afore Christmas we drove, TOFF and 

me did, a couple o' fares 
Both going out Balham way. Lor ! 'ow we chatted and laughed as 

quite friendly we raced our two mares. 
TOFF got the lead, and turned off at a corner. I 'eard 'im a shouting 

for full arf a mile, 
And the click of 'is mare's 'eels sang back through the frostiness. I 

trotted on with a phiz all a-smile. 
With friendship, and 'ope, and good thoughts of the morrow at 

TOFF'S with 'is " doll" and 'is POLL and 'is pipe. 
And TOFF well, that old gent just " treated " 'im Christmassy I 

Ah I and the drink got poor TOFF in its gripe. 
Ramped 'ome. ran wild, and run over a kiddy I It broke 'im, the 

pain and disgrace of that drunk ; 
All tried to cheer 'im, and 'elp 'im, but no, it struck 'ome to TOFF'S 



'eart, and 'e sunk and 'e sunk. 
'Elpless, and 'opeless, and reckless. 



[suicide. Gentlemen all, 
and ended a drink- sodden 



That came of too liberal Christmassv " treating." And now, p'r'aps, 

you '11 go and just keep up the ball ! 
Nevertheless, notwithstanding, for all that, at any rate, anyhow, 

Christmas ain't folly, 
Despite bilious Billy ; and most people love it, and will do, whilst 

jolly keeps rhyming with holly. 
Laughter's contagious, and tips do come 'andy, and Cabby's as fond 

as 'is fares of good chef r ; 
But " nips "well, / says pive their walue in cash, gents, and Cabby 

will wish you a 'Appy New Year ! 



ex. 



38 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 25, 1896. 




JANUARY 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



39 



"THE GARDEN THAT I LOVE." 

(New Version.) 

THE other morning; I was digging up my tulips, and 
trying to think of a rhyme to Clematis Jackmannii 
what an unpoetio name 1 when VERONICA brought me a 
large letter. Glancing at the envelope, I perceived 
that it came from the Lord Chamberlain's office. As 
I was anxious to finish my gardening, I exclaimed 
" Litera scripta manet," and continued digging. 

" You had better open it," said VERONICA. 

I did so. They wanted another Ode. How tiresome ! 
I was forced to leave my tulips, and, merely looking at 
my Gaillardia grandiflora, Selenium Pumilum, JSryn- 
gium amethystmum, and Centaurea macrocephela, to 
go indoors and write. It was a perfect afternoon, at 
the end of May, and I should have preferred to stay in 
the garden that I love, and think of some unofficial verses 
to my first Oloire de Dijon rose. Alas I " Autre temps, 
autres vers." It is all Official Odes now. I only wish 
" the Poet" was not a fiction, and then I could turn him 
on to the Lord Chamberlain's work. As I sauntered 
sadly to the house, I met LAMIA. 

" Can you come for a walk P " she asked. 

" Eheu ! " I answered, speaking to her in Latin, 
as I usually do, which sometimes appears odd, since she 
does not understand a word, " Eheu,non ego! Nunc 
temper scribo. Non eat omne beerus et skittlei." 

" Another ode, I suppose. You don 1 1 seem very cheerful 
since you became Laureate." 

"An no I" I murmured. "I can say with DANTE, 
' Lasciate ogni speranza, rot, cKentrate ! ' I get no 
time for gardening now." 

" Never mind the Ode. Come and take a walk in the 
orchard, and do try to speak English." 

It was a great temptation I mean the walk. The 
weather was perfect ; my flowers were delightful ; my 
companion was more BO. 

"Ah, LAMIA " I exclaimed ; " I use so much English 
in the official odes, that talking Latin is a relief. I fear 
I have no time. ' Tempt not a desperate man.' Would 
you wish me to defy the Lord Chamberlain ? " 

I regret to say that she spoke disrespectfully of the 
Lord Chamberlain. At times she is frivolous. She said 
"Bother him I" 

" Forgive me," I ventured to remark, " if I deprecate 
such language in reference to my official superior. He 
only does his duty. I wish it was not so irksome to me to 
do mine. Once I could enjoy otium cum dignitate, and 
now it is all dignitas with no otium whatever. I begin 
to hate poetry." 

"Yes, but this ode can wait," she said; "you must 
come for a walk now." 

" Dear LAMIA," I exclaimed, " odi et amo " 

" I can guess what that means," she interrupted ; " odes 
and something." 

" Not exactly," I said, " I will teach you the verb amo. 
It is a very pretty one. Let us begin now, as we walk 
in the orchard." 

At that moment VEBONICA brought me a telegram, 
from the Lord Chamberlain, aa usual. It said " Please 
send immediately poem ordered this morninar." There 
was no help for it. LAMIA walked alone. She herself 
once said " Love is a literary invention." On this occa- 
sion, at least, literary invention was not love. 




Street Serio (singing). "En TEW WILL THINK 

DIES HOV LONG AGO- 



HOV ME AND LOVB ME HAS IN 
0-0 I" 



GOOD OLD DUTCH! 

(A Song a la Chevalier, by a Cockney Cosmo- 
politan, whose patriotism is, perhaps, none the 
more vulgar for putting Queen Victoria's 
wisdom into the Vernacular.) 
["The peace of South Africa and the har- 
monious co-operation of the British and Dutch 
races, which is necessary for its future develop- 
ment and prosperity." Her Majesty's Message to 
President Kriiger.'] 

AIK " My Old Dutch." 
PRESIDENT, old pal, 

'Ere 's to yer I Some may doubt yer, 

Boss of that Trans-va-al, 
Bat 7 likes some things about yer 
It 's many years since fust we met. 
We've rapppd and scrapped a bit you bet ! 
Bat lor I rt We may be 'appy yet," 
Pipes my old gal. 



Chorus. We 've knowed each other now for 
many a year. 

And each 'eld 'tother axed too much, 
But as we 're bound to live in the came land, 

Let 's shake 'ands on it, Goal Old Dutch I 

That Trans-va-of 
Ain't no Great Sahairer. 

Let 's share, as pal with 
Go fair, and I '11 try fairer. 
We ain't quite hangels I talks tart, 
At jawin' you 're a mite too smart ; 
Still, " Scrappers may be spoons at 'eart I 

Sings my old gal. 
Chorus. We've got to live as neighbours, 

yus for years : 

Ain't we showed fists a mite too much P 
Let Boers and Britishers go 'and in 'and, 
Spite that real (crowned) " Outlander," 
Good Old Dutch I 



WOMAN. 

" FAIE woman was made to bewitch." 
A pleasure, a pain, a disturber, a nurse, 
A slave or a tyrant, a blessing or curse ; 

Fair woman was made to be which P 



ALTERATION OF SIGNATTJKE. An inquiring 
mind wrote to the Daily News last Saturday 
asking when Plow Monday was P Is it always 
fixed for a certain date, which might fall on 
a Tuesday, or is it invariably the first Mon- 
day after Twelfth Day, and so forth, as 
almanacks, like lawyers, differ among them- 
selves on this point. The writer signed him- 
self ' ' ALFBED SUTTON." But in this in stance 
it would have been more appropriate had he 
signed himself either " Only 'Ar.w SUTTON," 
or " ALFHED Rather Un-SorroN." 



40 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 25, 1896. 



MEEK MIKE AND HIS ARCH ANGEL. 

NOTICE During the run of the Reverend ENRY HAT/THOR JONES'S 
ecclesiastical drama, " Orders 1 ' will be admitted if proved as 
having been regularly and canonicalJy conferred, Beadles-in- 
waiting to eject any brawler. 

THE cumbersome title,' Michael and his Lost Angel, suggests an 




Memorial window in the Reverend Michael's church. 
Irreverent muddle-headedness, as though ENBY HATJIHOR JONES 
had, with his goose-quill, aimed at a pun flying, and cleverly missed 
it. Was it the result of a Michaelmas-day feafct ? Did the author 
and manager-actor dine together on gODse day, and did the latter 
take in with a relish all the stuffing provided by the artful dramatist? 
The production of such a play as this must surely be the remit of 
some weird compact made between Forbes Robertson- Faust and 
Jones- Mephistopheles f Is it a strange case of hypnotism? Is 
Trilby- Robertson under the magnetic influence of Svengmli-Jones f 
Only on some such hypothesis is it possible to account for the ac- 
ceptance and production of so poor a play as this. Undramatic in its 
lack of action and situation and its flimsy sketchiness of character : 
uninteresting in its principal characters: and nonsensical when 
measured by probabilities. Had he devised a plot of Harlequin and 
MS Lost Columbine, founded on the Pagliacci, there would have 
been a great chance for genuine pathos ; but could ENRY HATTTHOR 
have touched the humour of it ? 

The Reverend Michael makes the daughter of a humble depen- 
dent of his do public penance in church for the sin of having " gone 
wrong privately. ENRY HAUTHOR says he has authority for this ; 



and I remember some such case being reported. I suppose '* the 
' Bishop' would have had a word to say to that." In brief, Parson 
Michael, having compelled this modern JANE SHORE in the person of 
Rose Qibbard (very prettily played by Miss SARAH BROOKE) to do 
public penance, himself falls a victim to the wiles of a gay lady, 
Audrie Lesden } a married woman, living in single cussed ness, and 
presumably posing as a widow ; a most difficult part, very cleverly 
rendered by Miss MABION TEERY. In fact, throughout, the acting is 
excellent ; that of Mr. W. MACKINTOSH as the tit-for-tatting father 
of the doubly victimised girl being especially good. 

The gay unattached lady pursues the innocent curate, the mon- 
daine she- wolf determined to prey upon the innocent clerical lamb, 
to a desert island, most difficult of access and only visited occa- 
sionally by excursion steamers, where the reverend gentleman, in 
order to devote himself more entirely to his parochial work at 
nome, has built himself a house containing two cosy bachelor rooms, 
one of which is the breadth, height, and half the depth of the 
Lyceum stage ; and in this snuggery of Little Michael-all- Alone 
suddenly appears Mrs. Audrie Lesden. There is no boat to take 
her away : the steamers have gore. They are alone together on the 
island. They are in the situation of Helen Rolleston and the 
Reverend Robert Penfold in READE and BOTJCICATJLT'S novel, Foul 
Play : in the situation, not for weeks or months, but " for one night 
only." There are two separate rooms ; and even if there were not, 
the Reverend Michael could have said to himself, " Outside, Sir, 
outside," and virtuously, in accordance with saintly precedents, 
could have walked about till daylight did appear, and then, with 
his excellent antecedents and an irreproachable reputation in his 
favour, he had only to return, tell his simple story, fetch the lady 
back, and be believed by all his parishioners. Isn't that clear? 
And it is at this point that I recalled the personality of Mr. PENLEY 
as the Reverend Robert Spalding (who like the Reverend Michael 
" didn't like London "), and wished that he could have been seen by 
a delighted public in the awkward predicament of Mr. JONES'S 
Curate, when (to quote the title of an old farce with a motive 
similar to that of the situation in this play) Locked in with a Lady. 

Of course, when the Reverend Mike finds that the lady is a 
married woman, and that her husband is on the spot, he foresees 
that he may be landed in the Divorce Court. This is undoubtedly 
awkward ; but it forms no part of the motive of the play. Then 
he decides upon making a public confession of his guilt, in his own 
pirish church, before a congregation assembled to witness the 
ceremony of the " dedication. This ceremony is the occasion of 
a display of the most ornate ritual known in the highest of 
ritualistic churches, Mr. DOLLING'S not excepted ; but this simple- 
minded curate out-Dollies DOLLING, and "goes one better" by 
inducing a Bishop, presumably his own Bishop, to be present in full 
canonicals, mitred and moustachioed, and so|iully prepared for what 
the Reverend Michael, in a cope, is [going to do, that^his Right 
Reverence evinces no sort of surprise when the Reverend'Michael 
iteps forward, 
makes public 
confession of 
his sin, throws 
>ff his cope 
(why "cope," 
which is only 
permitted in 
state cere- 
monies to the 
higher clergy, 
and on certain 
occasions in a 
college cha- 
pel ? ) , and 
stalks out of 
church, leav- 
ing the Right 
Reverend 
Super, atten- 
dant clergy, 
andMr.SiEAD- 
MAN'S tuneful 
choir to con- 
tinue the ser- 
vice as if 
nothing out- 
of-the-way 
had occurred I 

Then the 
Reverend 
Michael visits 
his uncle, the 




Tips for the Piece. 

Last Act: Reverend Forbes Feversham-Robertson going 
for a " last buss to the Angel." 



monk, at Msjanoinltaly, and hither, too, Game* Audrie Lesden, widow, 
and invalided. Her manner of death in her reverend lover's arms some- 
what resembles that of Frou-Frou. Her highly conscientious and 



JANUARY 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



41 



exceptionally religious lover 
allows this Frou- Frou to die in 
his arms without "the benefit of 
clergy," although his uncle, the 
priest, is within call, and quite 
ready for the office. "Take me 
and do with me what you will, so 
long as I may ultimately rejoin 
her wherever she has gone," are, 
in effect, his last words, which 
imply the condition on which 
alone he will become a convert to 
the ancient faith of his fathers 
and of his uncle. But why not 
join the company of the faithful 
in Wellington Street, and become 
an "Irvingite" ? 

That Mr. FORBES ROBEBTSON is 
as good as he can be, and far better 
than the part, goes without say- 
ing ; but how he arrived at pro- 
ducing this play will, it it proba- 
ble, remain a mystery until he 
favours the world with his remi- 
niscences. THE OTHER JOBES. 



TO KATE. 

IF you think me shallow, KATE, 
I myself must vindicate. 
All to you I '11 allocate ; 
We will form a syndicate. 

Do not then prevaricate, 
If to wed you 're ready, KATE ; 
You I wish to marry, KATE, 
And my life to dedicate. 



WHICH ACCOUNTS FOB. IT! A 
"disappointed contributor" said 
that his editor was " subject to 
fils of rejection." 

THE HIGHEST RULING POWEK 
IN U. S AMEBICA. "Precedent 
MUSBOE." 




THE LAST DAY OF THE MISTLETOE. 

ADOLPHUS AND DOILY CONFIDE TO EACH OTHER THEIR OPINION AS 
TO "THE AGE OF LOVE." 



RATTLIN', ROARIN' WILLIE. 

(New Version. Communicated from 
the Shades "by that true British 
Patriot, if fervent Scots poet, 
Robbie Burns. ) 

0, BATTLIN', roarin' WILLIE, 

Do pray keep on your hair I 
An' no wi' matters meddle 

Which are your Grandma's care. 
Ye 're fain to play first fiddle, 

Whertyer you may be ; 
Bat rattlin', roarin' WILLIE, 

That's simply fiddlededeel 

WILLIE, lay down your fiddle, 

drop your fiddle sae fine ! 
Or else reserve that fiddle 

For watches by the Rhine I 
Unless you drop that fiddle 

The warl' may deem ye mad, 
For mony a rantin' day, WILLIE, 

Your fiddle and you hae had ! 

As I cam down the Solent, 

1 cannily keekit ben 
Rattlin', roarin' WILLIE, 

Was sitting at our board 'en. 
Sitting at BULL'S board 'en 

Amang princely companie ; 
rattlin', roarin' WILLIE 

Your welcome was fair an' free! 

rattlin', roaiin' WILLLE, 

Is your return as fair If 
drop that noisy fiddle, 

An' buy some other ware ! 
But put by that first fiddle 

la Uncle's companie, 
And rattlin', roarin' WILLIE, 

Right welcome still ye '11 be I 



Alas! 
SHE was a cruel, heartless lass, 

As ever man could find ; 
Yet I suppose that she cooldpass 

To all as woman kind. 



P^ A KEVIEW OF LITEEAEY FORCES. 

_AT the commencement of the year the Baron, having ordered out 
his Literary Forces and reviewed his noble shelves, issues this General 
Order: "1 am struck with admiration for the development of what I 
may term the utility business in the publishing, not only of no\elp, but 
of all kinds of valuable literature. 1 have passed in review a splendid 
force of the 'Charles Kiugsley's Own,' organised and commanded 
by General MACMILLAN while under General WABD, Colonel LOCK, 
and other distinguished officers appears a regiment, not the less 
valuable because showy, of ' Henry Kingsley's Light Horse.' The 
' True Blues, or Charlotte Yonge Forces,' make a fine display in the 
service of the MACMILLAN Company. The ' William Black Watch ' 
march past with a breezy step to the tune of ' Far Lochaber,' and 
wearing their Three Feathers, with One White One. They are mar- 
si ailed in order by Lieut. -Col. SIMPSON Low, who personally leads 
tlat fine body of Horse Marine s, the ' Clark Russell Rovers.' But of 
all the regiments of volumes mi at serviceable for campaigning com- 
mend me," quoth the Baron, "to the Picked 'Pocket Volume 
Regiments.' They form a email, compact army in themselves, excel- 
lently officered, ready for outpost, skirmishing, eharpshooting, and 
any handy duties which heavier-weighted volumes could not perform. 
At the head, in deep red, with gold ornamentation on their backs, and 
light blue silken bookmarkers for colours, bearing proudly the motto 
' Non SansDroictJ c jmes the ' Temple Shakspeare Regiment' ; perfect 
tjpe ; excellent notes ; ready to travel anywhere ; always handy by 
road, river, or rail, never in the way, brought into the field of prac- 
tical itinerary study by Colonel DENT of Aldine House, with invalu- 
able texted weapons from the Cantabrigian armouries of Messrs. 
MACMILIAN and ALDIS WEIGHT. Let the attention of all who love 
their SBAKSPEABE handy, and who are contented to travel about with 
one play at a time, turn their attention to this most useful series. 

" Then march along, in a long line, the ' Dark Blue Guards,' or 
' Literary Household Brigade,' started by CASSELL & Co., a gallant 
corps that admits volunteers from all regions of literature into its 
ranks, so that their range of marksmanryis world-wide, co-extensive 
with British Rule, and therefore might well bear the title of ' The 
Windsor Cassell Series.' These also are argumenta ad pocketa, and 



within an eighth of an inch as pocketable as the Shakspearian Regi- 
ment aforesaid. And what names are to be foutd on these regi- 
mental lists? MACAULAT, DICKENS, SILVIO PELLICO, LA MOTTE 
FOTJQUE, PLUTABCH, BOCCACCIO, WASHINGTON IRVING, MARCO POLO 
(with, of course, direc ions how to play it), STEELE, and ADDISON. 
Then FRANKLIN, SWIFT, with BUNYAN (enough to make SWIFT 
limp), XENOPHON, and BACON (a real literary dish, as a treat), after 
which ask for MORE (Sir THOMAS), and see that you get it. ' There 's 
a picture for you ! ' And the price sixpence each in cloth ; three- 
penc3 in paper; which, with the usual discount for cash, means 
thirty volumes for half a sovereign ; and of such a whole sovereign 
reigning ovtr Utopia might be proud. All these are at the command 
of General Public, on the March of Intellect to join forces with 
General Knowledge. They defile pest, salute, and are saluted in 
torn most heartily by "F. M. THE BARON." 

ARCHAEOLOGICAL MEM. Great discoveries are coming to light as 
regards the Chapel 9f the Rolls. No doubt the Buttresses will soon 
be found. Its architectural construction would have been imperfect 
without these, which would have constituted it The Rolls and 
Butteresses Chapel. Here a full dole of rolls and butter was given 
to every unbreakfasted applicant. In Wagge's Ancient History, 
advertised as " Jest out," it is recorded how there was ' one Chap ill 
of the Hot Rolls and Butteresses ; and how after a ' full dole he 
became ' dole-ful.' " 

CHANCE OF A NOVELTY KOT TO BE LOST. From a recent number 
of the Manchester Guardian we extract this advertisement 

AKE You Giving a Party ? Gentleman, accomplished musician, with un- 
exceptionable references, accepts invitations to professionally attend 
Evening Parties or Entertainments, to accompany soup, play dance music or 
solos, sing refined humorous songs a. la Grossmith, &c. Address, &c. 

" An accomplished musician " to " accompany soup " 1 There's a 
treat! What 's the tone ? What 's the instrument f 



TlTIE FOR THE COLONIAL SECRETARY WHEN RAISED TO THE 

PEERAGE. "Lord JOE-HANNESBURG." 



42 



Oft THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 25, 1896 




LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. 



Fair (and immensely successful) Novelist. "AND NOW THAT YOU 'vE BOUGHT MY NEW NOVEL, MR. BRADALL, AND WE'VE SIGNED 
THB AGREEMENT, MAY I ASK IF IT 's TBUB THAT YOU DON'T ALLOW YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTERS TO READ MY BOOK* ? I WAS TOLD 

80 LAST NIGHT." 

Eminent Publisher. "A A A MY DEAR YOUNG LADY A YOUR ADMIRABLY EXPRESSED BUT EXTREMELY ADVANCED VIBWS ON 

THE A THE SXX QUESTION, DON*T YOU KNOW A RENDER IT 80MBWHAT INEXPEDIENT FOR ME TO A TO A MY DAUGHTERS, 

THOUGH MARRIED, ARE STILL YOUNG. MY WlFE IS NO LONGER SO A BUT ALTOGETHER, AS THE FATHER OF A FAMILY, YO(T KNOW 
A I THIBK THAT " 

Fair Novelist. "You "RE QUITE RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND, AND AM VERY SORRY AND ASHAMED 1 BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THERE 's 

NOT A LINE IN THE BOOK YOU *VE JUST BOUGHT THAT MIGHTN'T BE READ BY A QlRL OF FlFTSSlf!" 

[Hearing this, Eminent Publisher pulls such a long face that we 've been obliged to turn his head the other way. 



A JOURNALISTIC JUBILEE. 

[On the 21st inst. the Daily Newt completed its 
fiftieth year, celebrating the occasion of this 
anniversary by the issue of an extremely interest- 
ing Jubilee Number.] 

".LIBEBAL Progress throughout the world I " 
Fine theme for a fifty years' retrospect, 

verily I 

DICKENS the Daily Newt flag first unfurled, 
To-day, under KOBINSON, floating light 

merrily. 

Long may it wave I Bright spirits and brave, 
Since genial "Boz," have fought under 

that banner. 

Green hang the laurels o'er many a grave 
Of friends who have fallen. In time- 
honoured manner 

To all such loved memories silently drink, 

But brim a brisk oup, with a cheer, to the 

living I [brink. 

Punch fills his own beaker to bubble-crowned 

His toast of "Long Life to the Daily 

News ! " giving. 

He, too, had his Jubilee, not long ago, 
And knows the mixed feelings, triumphant 

and tender, 
Of those who look back, with a choke and a 

glow, 

O'er all that a fifty years' service can render 
To Freedom and Progress, by wisdom or wit ; 
For liberal souls blend gooa sense with gay 
laughter ; 



And follies by eloquence missed are hard hit, 
Sometimes, by the shaft of keen mirth that 

flies after. 

To wield blade and bauble is given to some, 
As proven by pens known to both of our 

pages. 

Political nous has no need to look glum,' 
And motley may sometimes be stooped to 

by sages. 

From DICKENS to LUCY, my dear Daily Newt, 

Your columns of this furnish witness 

perennial. [Muse 

Punch drinks to your Jubilee now ! May his 

Have as pleasant a theme when you touch 

the Centennial I 



QUERY. A livery-stable keeper advertises: 
"^During the summer months the Coachmen 
wear Boots and Jireeches, for which one 
shitting extra is charged." Highly respect- 
able, as is also the charge. But are not these 
more necessary in winter ? If they wear boots 
and breeches in summer only, what do they 
do without them in winter f 

AH ECHO. 

His Ideal (at she dismisses him). "No I Go I" 
He (as he reaches the door). " No Go I " 

STILL TO BE ASKED. About Dr. JIM'S 
march we know something, but not all. We 
can trace his general line of country, but 
how about the Rhodes P 



THE LAW AND THE LAUNDRY. 

["I should not be ashamed of being called a 
laundress's eon, if it were true, as I have known 
very many laundresses in my time." 



YES, bound together by one rope 

The two professions march ; 
Some Judges know the use of " soap," 

And more the use of " starch." 

And when a Counsel, not too cute, 

Gets facts into a tangle, 
Their Lordships know, beyond dispute, 

That muddler how to "mangle." 
The useful laundress much 'twould grieve 

If shirts were in arrears ; 
While suits entire our Judges leave 

To be " hung up" for years. 
Then is there not a host of " stuffs " 

Would, were it no disgrace, 
Prefer the " getting up" of cuffs 

To getting up a case ? 
But this remark the Bench can quath 

Should it be judged as sland'ry, 
If there 's one thing that " will not wash," 

'Tis pride based on the laundry. 



LAPSUS CALAMI. The Poet-Laureate dis- 
avows the statement, erroneously attributed 
to him, that he is about to relinquish the pen 
for the sword on being gazetted to the QUEEN'S 
Bays. 



w 







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JANUARY 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



45 




THANKS 
BB ABLE TO 
STRENGTH: 1 



THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHIC DISCOVERY. 

TO THB DISCOVERT OF PfiOFZSSOR R6NTGEN, THE GERMAN EMPEROR WILL NOW 
OBTAIN AN EXACT PHOTOGRAPH OF A "BACKBONE" OF UNSUSPECIED SIZS AND 



THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHY. 

[Professor RONTGBN, of "Wurzburg, has dis- 
covered how to photograph through a person's 
body, giving a picture only of the bones.] 

0, RONTGEN, then the news is true, 
And not a trick of idle rumour, 

That bids us each beware of you, 
And of your grim and graveyard humour. 

"We do not want, like Dr. SwiFr, 
To take our flesh of! and to pose in 

Our bones, or show each little rift 
And joint for you to poke your nose in. 

We only crave to contemplate 
Each other's usual full-dress photo ; 

Your worse than " altogether " state 
Of portraiture we bar in toto ! 

The fondest swain would scarcely prize 
A picture of his lady's framework ; 

To gaze on this with yearning eyes 
Would probably be voted tame work I 

No. keep them for your epitaph, 
These tombstone- souvenirs unpleasant; 

Or go away and photograph 
Mahatmas, spooks, and Mrs. B-S-NT ! 



The Cry of a Hungry Biped. 

[" On New Tear's Day a number of ladies and 
gentlemen went to Acton, where the horses and 
donkeys at the Home of Rest where regaled with 
a dinner of carrots, bread, apples, and sugar."] 

FOE four-legg'd beasts there 's lots of stuff, 

But not for this barbarian. 
Oh ! would that I were ass enough, 

To be a Vegetarian. 



" INQUIRER " wishes to know if the war- 
song of the troops under the command of Dr. 
JAMESON is "Jimmy on the t shoot,' Soys!"? 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

(A Let'erjor Ladies,) 

MY DEAR ETHEIINDA, "We have been quite gay this week. Aunt 
JEMIMA gave a Cinderella on Tuesday, and all our friends assembled 
in great force. There were some novel and becoming dresses. I 
especially noticed a sweet harmony in yellow and green chiffon, the 
skirt being caught up with bunches of real Mandarin oranges. The 
wearer was a young Countess, whose portrait was rejected at the 
Academy the year before last. A pretty, sallow girl, with a nose 
rather too prononce, was gowned in brick-dust bigogne, the ceinture 
of Marie Therese blue, with a short fluted basque of gamboge. She 
wore Spanish chestnuts in the prickly pod arranged as a bouquet, and 
the ensemble was quite too perfect. Very striking, too, was a 
costume of toad-brown velvet, the broad eveque empire corsage 
terminating with a sharp grand monarque point, fastening on the 
right side with a cluster of marigolds, dahlias, and forget-me-nots. 

On "Wednesday EBMYNTRUDE and I went to Lady CALLIPER'S ball. 
A Russian Princess created quite a sensation by appearing in a black 
satin cosaque, embroidered in gold, and ornamented with malachite 
chains. 1 confess that the arrangement seemed to me somewhat 
outre, and not to be compared to the Duchess of BRIGHTON'S creation 
of peat-coloured Patagonian tulle cut d la belle Margot, with revert 
en cascade of Honiton lace and endless wreaths of bottle-green 
carnations. On Thursday Uncle NOLL took us to the New Gallery, 
where I came across two very original toques, one being formed of 
the skin of a Tweed salmon with the scales perfectly preserved, the 
entourage being artificial flies ; the other constructed of marmoset fur 
with the head in front en lion, the eyes being emeralds, while the 
tail of the monkey was brought over the left shoulder a I'lmperatrice. 
and terminated with a wee crystal watch. Uncle NOLL made us feel 
very uncomfortable by repeatedly asking where the show of Spanish 
liquorice could be found. 

On Friday we had to get some presents for ANGELINA'S birthday, 

i at CUTPUBSE AND DrvAL's I found such a delightful blotting- 
hopk, made of Thibet beech a rich red wood, very like mahogany. 
Ine charm of the thing is that, directly the book is opened, out 
jumps a grand lama (the iakstand) with a penholder in his mouth, 
ready for use. EHMYNTBUDE bought a silver-guilt tortoise, which, 
on pressing a spring, puts out its head, and becomes a toast-rack. 



CHAB.LEY asked me to get him a gift as well (the poor fellow is 
working night and day on a starvation salary at the Colonial Office) ; 
eo we went to ROLLICK AND RASPEE'S, where, after giving a great 
deal of trouble to the very gentlemanlike young men who serve, we 
selected a very useful article an umbrella, with a handle holding a 
knife, fork, spoon, and toothpick, all in silver. One of the young 
men who waited on us is s> like the Duke of PIMLICO, but perhaps 
more distingue. Naughty E. says, " Noblesse oblige.'" 

Last night we had a box at the Adelphi, and thought that 
Mr. TJERRISS, in his kilt, was very like his daughter ELLALINE, whose 
photograph I sent you as a Coristmas card. We could not help 
clapping our hands at the patriotic speeches, just to show how we 
hated the Boers, though, to be sure, the play is all about Egypt. 
Mais, ma mie la patrie ton 'fours la patrie. Here is a good recipe for 
luncheon. Take half a dozen eggs, a pot of caviare, and the msides 
of six Spanish onions. Let them simmer together for four hours. 
Then add an ounce of cinnamon, two pickled ^ walnuts, and three 
nutmegs. Meantime stew a bladebone of beef with a pound of Peri- 
goid truffles and a bottle of champagne. Mingle the contents of 
the two casseroles together, boil, and serve with slices of French 
bread en branche. You will find this an economical and appreciated 
plat. 

We all hope that this dreadful disagreement with the EMPEROB. 
will not prevent our going to Homborg this year. Mais Dieu 

tJttnneo I T7ira Aoaf "V/vnv lmrinn> f!nfiin. KADJ. 



dispose ! 



Ever, dear, 



Your loving Cousin, 



A Birthday Card. 

To William II., German Emperor, King of Prussia; born, January 27, 1859. 

ALL hail to thee, great Kaiser King I 

Away with melancholy I 
Time flies with telegraphic wing, 

And sometimes, too, does Folly. 



INOPPORTUNE PUBLICATION. Sir. I see an advertisement of 
"Funk and Wagnalfs Standard Dictionary of the English Lan- 
guage." Surely, Sir, never at any time, but least of all just now, 
should there be found in our vocabulary any such word as " Funk ? 

Yours, JINGO DE JINGO. 



46 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 25, 1896. 




THE RIVIERA. 



SJie. "I WONDER WHAT MAKBS THE MKDITEKRANEAN 1OOK 8O BLOT?" 

He. "You 'D LOOK BLUB IF YOU HAD TO WASH THE SHORES or ITALY I " 



A LAY OF THE UNION JACK. 

(By a Patriotic Cockney.) 

THOUGH I feel less at home on the bounding 

wave 

Than 1 do on the firm dry land, 
1 can spin you a yarn of a right good craft 
That is true-British owned and manned. 
The winds may blow, and the storms may 

beat, 

And the hurricanes rage and roar, 
But "the ship I love" on her course will 

hold 
With the Union Jack at the fore. 

Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along, 

Leaving far astern the strand, 
And many a towering sister bark 

We pass on the starboard hand. 
And, Westward ho ! as we bear away, 

I can count stout ships galore, 
Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly 

The Union Jack at the fore. 



And the sight of the flag that has swept the 
seas, 

Nor ever has known disgrace, 
Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell 

With the pride of his English race. 
At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart 

I rejoice and rejoioe still more 
That I 'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus, 

With the Union Jack at the fore I 



VIVE L'EMPEKBUB. It is a lopeful sign 
in these times of European trouble to know 
that our old and esteemed friend NAPOLEON 
BOLTONPABTY has been " appointed to the 
vacant Taxing Mastership." He will be any- 
thing but a "vacant" taxing master. For 
this motive he quits the firm of BOLTON AND 
MOTE ; sa the castle of business in which he 
was one of the towers of strength is still pro- 
tected by the MOTE. May the new Taxing 
Master not overtax his strength! And so 
Mote it be! 



DICKENS UP TO DATE; 

Or, Fiction repeats itself. 

IT was four in the afternoon, and Mrs 
WITITTEULY reclined, according to custom, or 
the drawing-room sofa, while KATE read alone 
the first part of a romantic novel in the newest 
fashionable quarterly, entitled The Savoy, 
which ALPHONSE the doubtful had procured 
from the library that very morning. . . , 
KATE read on : 

" Before a toilet that shone like the Altar oj 
Notre Dame des Victoires, Helen was seatec 
in a little dressing-gown of black and helio- 
trope. The coiffeur Cosm/S was caring for hei 
scented chevelure, and with tiny silver tongs, 
warm from the caresses of the flame, madt 
delicious intelligent curls, that fell as lightly 
as a breath about her forehead and over hei 
eyebrows, and clustered like tendrils rounc 
her neck. Her three favourite girls, Pappe- 
larde, Slanchemains and Loreyne, wattec 
immediately upon her with perfume ant 
powder in delicate flagons ana frail casso- 
lettes, and held in porcelain jars the ravishing 
paints prepared by Chdteline for those cheekt 
and lips that had grown a little pale wit) 
anguish of exile. . . . Millamant held a sligh\ 
tray of slippers, Minette some tender gloves, 
La Popeliniere mistress of the robes wot 
ready with a frock of yellow and yellow, Lt 
Zambinella bore the jewels, Florizel sorm 
flowers, Amadour a box of various pins, ant 
Vadius a box of sweets. . . . 

" ' Cosme,' said Helen, * you have beet 
quite sweet and quite brilliant, you have sur- 
passed yourself to-night.' 

" ' Madame flatters me,' replied the antiqw 
old thing, with a girlish giggle under his blacl 
satin mask. . . . 

' ' Helen slipped away the dressing-gown, rost 
before the mirror in a flutter of frilled things, 
and called Millamant to bring her the slippers, 

" The tray was freighted with the most ex- 
quint e and shapely pantoufles, sufficient U 
make Cluny a place of naught. There wen 
shoes of grey and black and brown suede, oj 
white tilk and rose satin, and velvet ana 
sarcenet ; there were some of seagreen sewn 
with cherry blossoms, some of red with willov. 
branches^ and some of grey with bright- 
winged birds. There were heels of silver, oj 
ivory, and of gilt ; there were buttons sc 
beautiful that the buttonholes might have nc 
pleasure till they closed upon them ; then 
were soles of delicate leathers scented with 
marSchale, and linings of soft stvffs scented 
with the juice of July flowers. Sut Helen, 
finding none of them to her mind, called for a 
discarded pair of blood-red maroquin, dia- 
pered with pearls. These looked very dis- 
tinguished over her white silk stockings. 

"Meantime, La Popeliniere stepped for- 
ward with the frock. 

" ' I shan't wear one to-night,' said Helen. 
Then she slipped on her gloves." 

"Oh, charming I" interrupted KATE'S 
patroness, who was sometimes taken literary. 
' ' Poetic, really. Read that description again, 

Miss NlCKLEBY." 

KATE complied. 

" Sweet, indeed 1 " said Mrs. WITITTEBLY, 
with a sigh. " So voluptuous, is it not F So 
softP" 

" Yes, I think it is," replied KATE, gently ; 

very soft." 

"Close the book, Miss NICKLEBY," said 
Mrs. WITITTEBLY. "I can hear nothing 
more to-day. I should be sorry to disturb 
the impression of that sweet description. 
Close the book." 

Kate complied, not unwillingly. 

Nicholas Nickleby, Chap. XXVIIL 
(mutatis mutandis). 



JANUARY 25, 1896. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



47 





THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM. 



His Hmwwr. " H'M I WILL YOU KINDLY BAISE YOUR VIIL, I 

FIND IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO H*M HEAR ANYONE DISTINCTLY 
WITH TH08K THICK VEILS " 



'BE EK TBAlfK YOV! SILENCE I I WILL NOT HAVE THIS 
COUBT TURNED INTO A PLACE OF AMUSEMENT I " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

STRAINED RELATIONS IN THB KENNEL. 

I AH beginning to experience some of the uncomfortable results of 
educating my dogs up to the Spectator standard, and, in order that 
>thers may take warning ere it is too late, I propose to set down 
i brief history of what has happened during the past week amongst 
he highly-intelligent dogs who have kindly agreed to share with me 
ay humble dwelling, and to leave for my use one or two of the most 
mcotn for table chairs to be found in it. I need scarcely say that the 
ofas and armchairs have long ago been recognised as the exclusive 
roperty of the dogs. 

OF course, everybody knows that if dogs are only allowed to live 

)ng enough in the society of human beintrs, they eventually reach 

ach a high pitch of intelligence that they begin to feel the want of 

peeoh. The t cope of their feelings, their desires, and their thoughts 

eoomes enlarged, and they yearn for some more accurate medium of 

xpression than is afforded by barking, tail-wagging, or scratching 

t a door, eloquent as these may sometimes be made. (Has anybody, 

7 the way, ever owned a dog who did not constantly post himself on 

ie wrong side of a door ? A considerable part of my life is spent in 

etting up and opening doors for dogs. No matter how carefully I 

ay inveigle the dogs into a room, the result is always the same. 

i the space of five minutes after I have sat down and composed 

yself every dog will, by some magic means, have vanished, and a 

inous scratching or a melancholy whining will announce that they 

1 wish to come back again. So when 1 have left the house with 

>parently the whole pack, a few seconds afterwards the vision of 

r o or three excited dog-faces at the garden- window, and a series of 

omsed ululations will prove to me that some of them must have 

n back at the last moment probably to fetch whatever is the canine 

mvalent of a handkerchief or a matchbox. This, however, as I 

ve said, is by the way.) 

DOGS, then, understanding more or less what is said to them, and 
Jiognmng in speech the best method of expression, begin, after a 
ie, to want to be able to speak. Fortunately I have managed, to 

ae extent, as I explained some weeks ago, to gratify this wish by 

'MIS of the Canine Cogitatograph, or thought-register, adapted to 

all breeds and sizes. A curious indirect result of this oon- 

t ranee has been, however, that my [dogs, as the sequel will 



show, are able not only to communicate their thoughts to me, 
but also to understand much more plainly all that I say, and to 
converse with one another with far greater force and variety than 
before. They are, in fact, becoming too human, and I am afraid 
I shall have to part with them. When I acquired them I looked for 
the companionship of real dogs, not of human beings disguised with 
four legs, tails, and fur coats. _ 

I MUST explain again that my pack numbers five. There is 
Nellie, the deerhound, whose virtues I need not further describe, as 
she plays no part in the story I am about to tell. Then there are 
Don and Itoy, the two St. Bernards, aged about twenty months. 
Don is an enormous animal, not yet fully developed, but weighing 
already eleven stone, and measuring very close on thirty-three 
inches at the shoulder. He is the kindest and best-tempered dog in 
the whole world, one huge lump of affectionate good nature. His 
brother Roy is a smaller, but perhaps a handsomer dog. His head 
is broader, his nose shorter, his body more compact, and his limbs, 
on the whole, better knit together. He is a dog of immense strength, 
and of a wild, teasing, romping disposition, rather shy with strangers, 
but very affectionate with nis intimates. I think the soul of some 
high-spirited, clever, mischievous undergraduate has found its incar- 
nation in Roy. There are deep wrinkles on his forehead and over 
his eyes that give his face a peculiar whimsical and pathetic expres- 
sion. He has a great admiration and liking for the butcher, but, 
oddly enough, pursues the butcher's cart up the lane with a relent- 
less animosity which is apt to terrify quiet people who meet him on 
one of these razzias. Both these dogs adore children ; and it is a 
comical sight to see them standing one on each side of a youngster of 
five, and all but lifting him into the air as they lick his face with 
theii great tongues. One other point about them deserves mention. 
They overflow with sympathy. You have only to sit down and 
pretend to cry or to be in pain to have them rushing across the room 
with howls, upsetting chairs or tables as they come, until they can 
smother you under an avalanche of clumsy caresses. 



, the retriever, is a quiet dog, devoted to his profession and 
very intelligent, a dog with deep, eloquent eyes, and a lustrous, wavy 
black coat. Rufus, the spaniel, is a brown dog, and supplies un- 
consciously the comic element in the kennel. He has the most 
absurd way of gazing at you with his bulging, amber eyes, while he 
wags his stump of a tail at the'rate of about a million to the minute. 



48 



[JANUARY 2?, 1896. 



He is very affectionate and very jealous ; a pat or a kind word to 
one of the other dogs is enough to arouse Rufus from the deepest 
slumber in order that he may at once claim his share of attention. 
He is also rather masterful, and being comparatively a little dog 
he is apt to resent the rough, good-humoured gambols of the St. 
Bernards. He is deeply convinced that he is superior to the whole 
of the rest of them put together. 

Now I noticed during the last few days that Rufus has been 
employing his leisure in burying odd biscuits and stray bones in 
various parts of the garden. For instance, when I gave him a 
biscuit the other day, instead of eigerly scrunching it as is his 
custom, he kept it in his mouth, and looked at me with a con- 
f cious, half-guilty expression, wagging his tail furiously all the 
time. Obeying the dictates of good breeding, I withdrew, but not 
far enough to lose sight of Rufus, although I made sure that he 
was unable to see me. Having waited a short time he trotted oil' 
to a convenient flower-bed, and began to scrape a hole. In this 
he carefully deposited his biscuit and then set to work to rub 
the earth back with his broad and foolish brown nose. Having 
carefully smoothed the place all over he came back to me looking 
as if nothing had happened, though his tell-tale nose had upon 
it a pyramid of earlh quite an inch high. It may be thought 
that Rufus buried these soraps of food in order to have a store 
for future emergencies. Not at all. I discovered tha% to use 
his own expression, he had been " pegging out claims " in the 
garden, and by this time he imagines himself to have proprietary 
rights over the whole place. 



WE have, of course, all been very much excited by the foreign 
intelligence of the past few weeks, and the other morning, while 
Rufus was apparently sleeping, someone read out aloud the German 
Emperor's extraordinary telegram to President KHUGER. Rufus 
took no notice at 1 he time, but, as the result shows, he had evidently 
heard, had been fired with admiration, and had resolved on the first 
opportunity to imitate. After lunch on the same day, Sen had 
retired to smoke a quiet bone in a corner of the garden that he 
particularly affects. Roy , who is. I am sorry to say, rather a greedy 
dog, observed the bone from a distance, and the waters of desire 
began to trickle from his mouth. He decided to make an attempt 
to possess himself of it. Sen, however, who had temporarily de- 
posited his bone, was full v aware of what was passing in. Roy's mind, 
and accordingly when Roy advanced, looking as if he had urgent 
business totallyunconnected withabonein that cornerof the garden, 
Sen sprang up, and seized the invader by the ear. So resolute was 
the retriever's demeanour that Roy, oppressed with a sense of 
knavery, incontinently turned and fled. Here was Rufus't oppor- 
tunity. That remarkable dog approached to within ten yards of Sen, 
looked at him steadily, barked twice, and then retired. This was what 
he had said ; I read it off immediately on the Cogitatograph : "I con- 
gratulate you with all my heart on naving repulsed dastardly inva- 
sion of Rob-roy, freebooter, without the intervention of any friendly 
powers. (Signed) Rufus, R. $ /." Sen had made a suitable reply to 
the effect that he would defend the independence of his beloved hone 
to his last gasp. 

THE consequences of this ridiculous action on Rufus's part are 
very distressing. Roy and Don, who had of course heard the 
message delivered, are both furious. Don says that he is far from 
wishing to defend every action that Roy may take, but after all, 
blood is thicker than water, and he is not going to endure the pre- 
posterous airs of a bandy-legged upstart like Rufus, Sen is not 
too pleased. He says he can defend himself without the intervention 
of anybody, and has no intention of being patronised by Rvfus. In 
fact, that unfortunate spaniel is at the present moment the most 
unpopular dog I have ever known, and all on account of a moment's 
rashness inspired by hearing the Emperor's telegram read aloud. I 
have bad to give Rufus a room to himself, and to keep him carefully 
out of the way of the St. Bernards. I scarcely like to think what 
the end of it all may be. 

OBJECT LESSONS FOR THE BAR. 

SCENE A Court of Law. Judge on Sench. Solicitors in Well. 
Silks in the pew reserved for them. Sack seats crowded with 
members of the Junior Sar. 

First Leader (rising and addressing the Court). I appear, my 
Lord, with my friends, Messrs. BLACKSTONE, COEB, BACON, HOLT, 
and LYTTLKTON, for the plaintiff. (Sits down.) 

Second Leader (following suit). And I, mv Lord, with my friends, 
Messrs BRIEFLESS, DTJNUP, ROE, DOE, and JUSTINIAN COCKBURN, for 
the defendant. 

The Judge (courteously). I do not wish to interfere at so early a 
stage. But I would suggest to learned counsel wearing silk, that 
there seems to me rather an excessive use of stuff in this matter. 

[Laughter. 




..Mp[ l'f | 1 H MI JPll l 

BELLICOSE PREPARATIONS. 

THE PROPOSED GIRAFFE CORPS ON ACTIVE SERVICE. 



First Leader (smiling). I tike your Lordship's meaning. But 
would humbly suggest that in the course of my case I shall have 1 
show a prize fight, wbn, for the purpose of illustration, I shall fin 
ihe services of mv friends who are associated with me invaluabh 
Many of my friends when at Cambridge were distinguished membei 
of the A. D. C. 

The Judge. Quite so. Of course you will use your discretion. 

Second Leader. And as the matter has been mentioned, my Lore 
I think it is only right to eay that, as dunng the course of this cat 
I shall have to show how a game of Nap was played, I cannc 
dispense with the services of my friends. I may mention that Mi 
BRIEFLESS (whose face may possibly be better known to yon 
Lordship than his voice) is a very clever amateur actor. During tl 
last twenty or thirty years he has been giving readings of Samlet an 
Dazzle, absolutely distinct from those made familiar to the public b 
Sir HENRY IRVING and the late Mr. CHARLES MATHEWS. 

The Judge. I have not the least doubt of Mr. BRIEFLESS'S abilitj 
but I would point out that, as a rule, a Queen's Counsel is satisfie 
with the assistance of {at most) two members of the Junior Bar. 

Firt-t Leader. Just so, my Lord. But no doubt it will be fresh i: 
your Lordship's memory that recently Mr. AVORY showed ^how 
suicide or murder might be committed in a cab with the assistano 
of his learned friend Mr. BIHON.* Now I would not for a momen 
suggest that the great dearth of business in these courts ha 
anything to do with the matter, but it is undoubtedly open to obser 
vation that certainly anything that can be done to put business 

The Judge (interrupting). Yes, yes ; I understand. But I ai 
afraid that the nutter may end in disappointment. But that is 
point that the Taxing Master must decide. 

Soth Leaders. As your Lordship pleases. 
[Scene closes in upon the prospect of a coming contest " re costs. 
* Daily Chrotiicle, January 1/5, 1896. 

IN RB " MOTOR." There is to be a grand exhibition of Moto 
Carriages at the Imperial Institute. Is this to ha in May, or at 
Re-Moter date ? 

THE CHARTERED SOUTH AFRICAN Co. "A Chartered Libertine." 



FEBRUARY 1, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



49 



THE PATRIOT'S VADE 
MECTTM. 

(Compiled on Sentimental Plus 
Commercial Principles.) 

Question. You consider war 
a curee P 

Answer. Certainly; and one 
that should be avoided at 
almost any cost. 

Q. But you would not sacri- 
fice the honour of your country 
to secure peace ? 

A. No; but then "honour" 
is an elastic term, haying more 
than one signification. 

Q. You would reverence the 
Army and Navy ? 

A. Unquestionably. The 
more especially in referring to 
them in a speech delivered at 
the f ajr end of a charity dinner. 

Q. You would increase both 
Services ? 

A. To any limit, at the in- 
stigation of the writer of a 
soul-stirring leading article. " 

Q. You would cheer a song 
with a refrain ending with 
"England," or "Fatherland," 
or "Victoria"? 

A. To the echo. And my 
applause would be the louder 
if bestowed from the audi- 
torium of a comic opera house 
or a theatre of varieties. 

Q. But would not war spell 
41 disaster "?* .-..;-. 

A. Yes, in shape of famine. 

Q. And yet you have nothing 
but enthusiasm for bellicose 
ballads ? 




A YOUNG REPUBLICAN. 

Little Lord Charles. "On, I 'is. GOING TO BE AN OMNIBUS CONDUCTOR, 

WHEN / GROW UP." 

Fair American. " BUT TOUR BROTHER 's GOING TO BE A DUKS, ISN'T HB ? " 
L. L. G. "An, YES ; BUT THAT 's ABOUT ALL HE 's FIT FOR, YOU KNOW 1 " 



A. To be sure. But then it 
must be remembered that songs 
are harmless until their words 
cease to be syllables and be- 
come deeds. 

Q. Then, in spite of spirited 
leading articles and Jingo 
minstrelsy, you would act 
with moderation P 

A. Yes, as represented by 
the Government. 

Q. And you would prefer 
rumours of war to war itself ? 

A. Naturally; for the former 
have all the advantages of 
martial glory without the 
drawbacks. 

Q. But, supposing that it 
turned out after careful con- 
sideration after taking into 
account the possibility of 
seizing foreign colonies and 
securing the remainder of the 
world's carrying trade it 
seemed likely that war might 
be profitable, would you then 
counsel peace P 

A. No ; for then hostilities 
would have come within the 
bounds of business. Once prove 
that a good general row will 
yield dear old England a safe 
four per cent , and Britannia 
will draw her sword, and let her 
lion not only growl, but bite. 



ANTICIPATORY OF FEBRU- 
ARY 14. In view of the meet- 
ing of Parliament Sir WILLIAM 
HAB.COTIRT is preparing to send 
Mr. J. CHAMBERLAIN a Trans- 
vaalentine. 



THE BOOK OF THE WEEK. THE SAVELOY. 

I. MYSTERIES OF THE HUMAN HEART. 

Is the world coming round to my point of view after all, and is the 
great heart of the nation beginning to recognise that what interests 
me must be the most important factor in life ? Here is a charming 
magazine, written by contributors who have the full courage of their 
woman's creed, and very refreshing it is to turn from the morbid 
philosophy of the Besantine school of literature to the sweet fresh air 
of the new world to which Mr. WEIRDSLEY and his colleagues take 
us. There is not an article in the volume that one can put down 
without feeling the better and the purer for it. 

II. AN IDYLL OF THE SEASIDE. 

I have neither fear nor shame in printing the following extract 
from a bretzy article by the editor. 

Margate, 1895. By Simple Symons. 

I went to Margate this year by the excursion-train with the intention of 
remaining only for the eight hours of vulgarity without fun that we trippers 
are promised, and 1 remained from Saturday till Monday ! What is it in 
this so little watering-place that appeals to the poet, and that turns us all, 
at our moments, into helpless and drivelling idiots ? . . . 

Ah ! but the beach on a sunny morning ! What a feast of colour, of move- 
ment, of so various curiosities ! Here is the smart brandy-ball man with his 
paper cap, here the quaint seller of old-world pebbles. On certain mornings 
negro minstrel* perform on the sands. You cannot imagine anything more 
dt licious. These, it should be said, are not real negroes ; they are simply ordi- 
nary white men, with their faces painted black. How amusingit all was, how 
inter* sting they were, how they invited to the wandering of vague emotion ! 

I had my own little romance on the beach the most absurd cf little 
romances. Still ! 

There was an old bathing-woman, known as MARTHA GUMN. She 
avoided me in so marked a manner that I saw she was in love with me. 
Once, when I smiled at her, she waved at me, as in mock defiance, a little, 
teeny bathing-dress. Sometimes she would sit on the steps of a bathing 
machine, knitting. I thought once of kissing my hand to her. But, after 
all, was it worth while ? Yet it would have pleased her, my dear old friend, 
whom I never knew, but who, I knew, loved me. More than all others, 
MARTHA GUNN seemed to sum up Margate for me. . . . 

This plaintive philosophy will come home to many as a revelation 
and a hope. 

III. UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS A CROWN. 

The article from which I suljjin an extract, and which is deeply 
interesting in the present political crisis, will, I venture to think, add 



much to the making or the marring of the joys and sorrows of those 
who live in what the Decadents and the Ibsenites choose to call " the 
end of the century." 

A Fine Child. By Max Mereboom. 

I first saw him last summer, in the Isle of Wight, clapping his chubby 
little hands, and crowing with delight as he sailed his toy-ship. A fine child 
he is, fond of his rocking-horse, fonder still of playing with soldiers. For 
the rest, I find but one slight stain on his infant life. He is a trifle 
quarrelsome, and, when other children fight, he will run and kiss the victor, 
or hit the vanquished with his clenched fist. Once he locked his little brother 
up in a cupboard for doing something that displeased him. He prefers sauer- 
kraut even to Mellin's food, and dearly loves a musical box that plays " Die 
Wacht amRhein." He cannot bear to leave his toy-boats at home. He 
cries when he goes out, and says to his nurse " Kleine Billie wants Schiffa. 
He is perhaps a trifle spoilt. He should be, while there is yt time, placed 
judiciously in the corner, or deprived, it may be, of pudding. Ein wen\g 
Geduld ! He may yet grow up to be a great and good man. 

IV. THE MORAL TONE. 

And now we come to Mr. WETRDSLEY'S work. Under Ludgate 
Hill is a novel rather of character than of adventure. It is chiefly 
remarkable for its terse, vigorous style, its absolute truthfulness to 
nature, and more important than all the rest its high moral tone. 
The character of the excellent Mrs. Marsuple is superbly developed, 
while Claud and Clair are creations they seem to live. This book 
should be on every schoolroom table ; every mother should present it 
to her daughter, for it is bound to have an ennobling and purifying 
influence. Here is a powerful description of the refreshment- bar of 
Messrs. SPIEBS AND POND : 

.... The refreshment-table was freighted with the most exquisite and 
shapely delicacies, sufficient to make Buzzards' a place of naught. On quaint 
pedestals of every sort stood bottles of cherry-brandy, of gingerbeer, of lime- 
juice cordial. Marmalade and jam were in frail porcelain pots. There were jam- 
tarts that seemed to stain the table, bath-buns baked to the utmost, and flecked 
with tiny dead flies, macaroons of all sorts, and sandwiches cut like artificial 
flowers. There were seed-cakes sown with caraway-seeds, gingerbread twisted 
into cunning forms, and sausage-rolls so beautiful that the teeth might have 
no pleasure until they closed upon them. . . . Some of the barmaids had put 
on delightful little fringes dyed in reds, and yellows, and some wore great 
white aprons after the manner of the New Magdalen. They were silenced 
by the approach of the Bovril, that was served by waiters dressed in black. 

Have I not said enough about the " Saveloy " to show that no 
family should be without it ? ? 



VOL. CX. 



50 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 1, 1896. 




THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM. 

(Up-to date Version of " Struvrwelpeter.") 



" LET MB SEE IF WILHELM CAN 
BE A LITTLE GENTLEMAN ; 
LET ME SEE IF HE IS ABLE] 
TO SIT STILL FOB ONCE AT TABLE 1" 



BUT FIDGETY WILL 

HE WON'T sir STILL." 

* * 

JUST LIKE ANT BUCKING HORSE. 

" WILHELM I WE ARE GETTING CROSS 1 " 



FEBRUARY 1, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



51 




A FEMININE FAILING. 



First Sportsman. " WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKB THAT NEW MARE OP YOUBS?" 

Second Sportsman. "On, FAIBLY WELL. BUT I WISH I HAD BOUGHT A HORSE. SHE'S ALWAYS STOPPING TO LOOK AT HERSELF 

IN THE PUDDLBS 1 " 



THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM. 

(From "Struwwelpeter" Up to Date.) 

" LET me see if WILHELM can 
Be a little gentleman ; 
Let me see if he is able 
To tit still for once at table ! " 
Thus papa bade WILL behave, 
Whilst mamma looked very grave, 
But fidgety WILL 
He won't sit still ; 

He wriggles and jiggles, with nose in air, 
And flusters and blusters, and tilts his chair, 
Just like any bucking horse. 
" WILHBLM! We are getting crots ! " 

See the tiresome restless child 
Growing still more rude and wild, 
Till his chair tilts over quite I 
WILHELM yells with all his might, 
Grabbing at the cloth, but then 
That makes matters worse again. 
Cloth dragged off, with WILHELM fall 
Soup- tureen, knives, forks, and all. 
Poor mamma does fret and frown 
When she sees them tumbling down ; 
Porr papa makes a wry face ; 
Fidgety WILL 's in dire disgrace I 



NKW NAME FOR UHE LATE COMMANDER- 
EF IN CDBA. Marshal DECAMPOS. 



OF COUKSB. The second number of the 
Minute is announced. 



THE THESPIAN TRAIN. 

(Extract from a Diary.) 

Monday. After good night's rest, started 
for Newcastle. Gave two entertainments en 
route in saloon carriage. Crowded both turns. 
Matinee successful. Two afternoon per- 
formances to different passengers returning 
to London. Arrived in town in time for the 
evening's entertainment. Started again by 
special for Orkney Islands at 11.30 P.M. 

Tuesday. Rehearsing new piece en route. 
Supper at 2 A.M. Arranged business of Second 
Act in saloon at 4 A.M. Breakfast. Gave 
entertainment in Ihe waiting-room. Capital 
business. Largest receipts on record. 
Performance to passengers travelling by same 
train. Tea. Dressed in cab. Got back to 
town in capital time for evening performance. 
Started at 11.30 P.M. for Edinburgh. 

Wednesday. Customary "before dawn" 
rehearsal of new piece. Introduced novel 
feature for passengers by same train 
" Dramatic Breakfast." Played in refresh- 
ment-carriage during the meal. Enormous 
success. Three curtains. Travelling stage 
"n; up" jast what was wanted. Edin- 
burgh matinee a triumph. Started for 
return journey by special. Rehearsed new 
piece. Picked up double saloon-carriage con- 
taining audience en route, and gave special 
performance in it. Returned to town in 
excellent time for usual London programme. 
Left at 11.30 for Torquay. 



Thursday. Uncertain with my words 
during midnight rehearsal. By doctor's ad- 
vice, took ten minutes for lunch. Torquay a 
success. Returned immediately afterwards. 
Extended the " drop-carriage scheme." Gave 
three separate performances in three double- 
saloon carriages. After London show, started 
at 11.30 P.M. for Dublin. 

Friday. Bad pas sage. Matinee on steamer 
to rather a poor house. Thoroughly Irish wel- 
come. Doctor says I am "knocking myself 
up." Ordered me to sleep. Had a draught, 
and played in my slumbers. Suppose London 
show was all right. Left for Bath at 11.30. 

Saturday. Gave early performance at 
Bath because we had to be back for the London 
matinee at 2.34. Rested en route by doctor's 
orders. After second performance in town 
theatre at 8.30, gave special entertainment at 
the Harmonium Club. Sapper. No sleep. 

Sunday. After leaving Harmonium Club, 
caught 8 o'clock train for Dover. Arrange- 
ments of the L. C. and D. Railway, as usual, 
capital. Managed to give short performance 
on board the boat in mid-Channel. Arrived 
at Calais. Twenty minutes' play during feed- 
ing interval. Lunched in train. No sleep. 
Arrived in Paris. Dressed in cab. Played 
before a French audience. Enthusiastic 
reception. Back again. Gave second per- 
formance at Amiens. Early breakfast. Dead 
beat. Just in time. Oh, dear I . . . . Heavy 
gale in Channel ! . . . . Oh ! where is the 
doctor? 
Hanwell. . , . Resting. 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 1, 1896. 




SCENE FROM DOLLYLAND. "AFTER THE HOLIDAYS." 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

THE ALARMS OF MOTHKFS. 

DURING the past ten days or so, the mothers of Great Britain have 
len bidding good-bye to theii beloved sons. To Oxford and Cam- 
bridge, to Trinity College, Dublin, to Eton, Harrow, Rugby, Fettes. 
Loretto, and countless other schools with great reputations and 
varying charges for board (gymnastics, French, German, drawing, 
and music, being extras of unfortunately doubtful popularity), the 
sons have betaken themselves, many with hampers, and all with 
good advice from both parents. To the father it pertains to urge his 
son to greater mental activity, to warn him as to the crushing effects 
in after life of failure in examinations, to inculcate punctuality, 
obedience, and (in the case of undergraduates) a discreet manage- 
ment of his finances. The mother, on the other hand, concerns her- 
self with his bodily welfare. She provides him with a hamper, she 
implores him not to catch cold, she is eloquent on the subject of dry 
socks and flannel uaderwear, she begs him to avoid the terrible 



, 

fatigues involved in eight-oar boat-races, and the inevitable danger 
to life and limb entailed by football. "Your grandfather," she 



genariaa. But sons, like all other malee, are hopelessly illogical. 




HIRE, I think, I may indulge myself with a short by-the-way on 
the subject of hampers. Yesterday my advice was sought by a small 
friend who was about to return to the house of toil. He was pro- 
ceeding with his even more diminutive brother in the direction of the 
village grocer, in order to buy something for the terminal hamper, 
but he wished to know how best to employ the money intrutted to 
him by his mother for that purpose. ' r What do you think of 
oranges ? " he asked. I suggested that oranges were a cold fruit at 
this time of year. " But you can take 'em to bed, you know, and 
warm them up a bit first. Besides," he continued, " you can 
make pigs out ef orange peel, and put them on the French master's 
desk ; and you can make spiffing sets of false teeth." This settled 
the matter; a dozen oranges were decided on. "Any jam?" I 
asked. " Rather. Two pots of apricot, three pots of strawgogs, and 
three pots of goosegogs." "What about potted shrimps?" 1 in- 
quired. "Oh my, of course we'll have potted shrimps, won't we, 
DICK?" DICK'S eyes glistened; enthusiasm burst from every 
feature. " Chuck her up for potted shrimps," he remarked, in a 
tone of deep conviction. ft A cake ? " I hinted. " Oh, we've got a 
cake ready at home, a reg'lar whopper, full of currants." A few 



minutes later the necessary purchases were concluded, two dozen 
macaroons being added at the last moment, and the heavily loaded 
foraging column staggered homeward in triumph with its booty. 



To return to the subject of mothers. I once had the privilege of 
staying at home with a very massive and powerful heavy-weight 
oarsman, whose strength and stamina in the University boat-race 
had been universally admired. In accepting his mother's invitation, 
I had permitted myself a jocose allusion to the pleasure I should feel 
in being able to watch over her young Titan's restoration to health 
after the labours of the race. " Dear HARRY," I wrote, " will want 
a rest ; his delicate frame requires plenty of wholesome food, and it 
will be well for him, I am eure, to continue to go to bed early eo as 
to get as much sleep as possible every night. I will do my best 
while I staywith you to persuade him to take very great care of 
himself." When I arrived I was welcomed as though I had been a 
prophet by HARRY'S mother: "You are the only one of HARRY'S 
friends," said that dear lady to me, " who sees that HARRY is over- 
doing all this dreadful rowing. He looks strong, I know, but iu 
reality he is delicate and terribly liable to colds. Have you ever 
seen him in one of his fits of sneezing ? They are most severe, and 
seem to shake him to pieces. Of course, he is wilful, and refuses to 
listen to Ms mother, but now that I have your influence to support 
me, perhaps he will be a little more reasonable." In fact. I dis- 
covered that this picked specimen of health, strength, and endurance 
was considered by his dear mother to be a frail and delicate plat t 
requiring constant care and attention. I never had so much 
difficulty in making my peace with anyone as I had with HARRY 
when he discovered what I had done in a moment of ill-timed levity. 

HEBE, too, is a letter from a mother to her son who was travelling 
on the Continent : 

MY DARLING BOY, I am thankful to hear you have arrived safe 
and sound with dear WILLY. Ever since you left frightful disasters 
have been before my mind. First of all there was a short telegram 
in the papers announcing a train wrecked (the very day you were 
travelling) between Abbeville and somewhere else. Of course, I 
pictured you aad WILLY buried beneath horrible splinters, with the 
engine slowly setting fire to you both, and no means of escape, 
except by axes that might hack off your arms and legs before the 
doctors arrived. As no further accounts of the disaster followed I 
began to be easy, although I had already imparted such fearful and 
sinister forebodings to my cook that she was evidently quite 
certain you were in that train, and must have been deeply dis- 
appointed by your card yesterday morning announcing your safe 



FEBRUARY 1, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



53 




GOLF IS BEING PLAYED VERY MUCH IN EGYPT". 



arrival at Madrid. Still, she has been cheered up by the evenin 
papers last night about a smash to a Brussels train. Well, than 
heaven, you were not in that one. At first I thought you mighi 
have been, but on reflection I found that Madrid and Brussels were 
not necessarily direct stations on each other's lines. Do, do take 
care of yourself, and wrap up well if you go out at night. Nothing 
is so deceptive, I am told, as a warm day in Spain. And above 
all things, see that you have dry sheets in the hotels. Many a young 
life has been cut off by damp sheets." 

THE fact of the matter is that the dear creatures revel in 
anxieties and in carefully-planned alarms. If the nature of things 
fails to provide them with a reasonable cause for apprehension, they 
never fail to invent one for themselves. And yet, who would 
charge that "pleasing, anxious being," a mother, for a being made 
of sterner stuff ? From our earliest days onward, in our schoolboy 
troubles, in the difficulties that beset the undergraduate, in the cms 
and disappointments that lie about the path of the man, it is to our 
mothers that we turn by instinct in the sure confidence of being 
comforted and encouraged. And who, in the time of our little 
successes, will bear our banner with so bold a hand, and declare our 
triumph with so clear a voice as a mother ? Friends may fall away 
from us, sorrow and pain may set their mark upon our faces, all the 
world may speak ill of us, but the love of a mother shines unchanged 
and unchangeable upon her wayward sons. 

I BEAD the other day an account of the capture of a poacher by the 
police. In a struggle with the keepers he had given and taken some 
hard knocks, and had eventually escaped. After an active search 
of three days, the police tracked him down, and caught him in a 
shed adjoining his mother's cottage. She was giving him a cup oi 
milk when the guardians of the law broke in upon them. "Let him 
have the milk," she said; "he's had none too much to eat or 
drink these last days." What did it matter to her that he was a 
poacher, and had knocked a keeper down. To her he was still a son 
she still thought of him as the little fellow whose courage and bold 
ways had been her pride and her fear years ago. I have no particu- 
lar sympathy with those who batter keepers, but I hope this 
particular poacher was allowed to drink his milk before they marched 
him away from his poor old mother's sight to the lock-up. 

AND so let me end with HOOD'S beautif al lines : 



Gaze upon her living eyes, 
And mirror back her love for thee, 
Hereafter thou may'st shudder sighs 
To meet them when they cannot see. 
Gaze upon her living eyes ! 



Pray for her at eve and morn, 
That Heaven may long the stroke defer, 
For thou may'st live the hour forlorn 
When thou wilt ask to die with her. 
Pray for her at eve and morn ! 



An Imperial Question. 

(The German Emperor has stopped the fitting out at Cowes oi the yacht 
White Heather, which he had hired for a trip to the Mediterranean.] 

KAISER, what we are most eager to know 
Is why you give up the White Heather f 

It is not we are sure that you 'd willingly show 
On your nautical cap the white feather. 



A CHANCE IN HIS ABSENCE. Who does not remember the excellent 
lie-like portrait of " Dr. JIM," painted by Professor HUBEBT 
HEBKOMEB, R.A., exhibited at Burlington House? It was "a 
speaking likeness." Could it oblige us, now, with some information ? 



IN MEMORIAM. 

H.R.H. Prince Henry Maurice of Battenberg died at sea, <j the effec's oj 

African fever ; incurred in the Ashanti Campaign, on 

January 20, 1896. 

" UNTO each man his fate." 'Twas his to fall 
In a campaign else bloodless ; yet may all 
True victory's laurels deck this Prince's pall. 

A brave man facing duty with stout heart 
Knows not, nor heeds, whence flies the fatal dart ; 
To await it calmly is the hero's part. 

In patriot battle's keen blood-stirring closa 
A man might chose to die, but history knows 
Her noblest oft have fallen to unseen foes. 

They serve who wait, England's great singer si ith. 
He who on duty's road encounters death, 
With proud content may j ield his latest breath. 

All England grieves with her whom England's crown 
Shields not from sorrow ; nor its love, deep down 
In myriad bosoms, from fate's adverse frown. 

And her, the all-faithful daughter, loving wife, 
The People's heart, perplext with sounds of strife, 
And rumours wild wherewith the realm is rife, 

Yet turns to her in this her hour of grief ; 
Praying for her Heaven's balm, of boons the chief, 
The solace of home-love and high belief. 



"COME HITHER, HUBERT!" 

THAT artful necromancer, HUBEKT HEBKOMEB, R.A., who holds us 
enchanted by his skill, causing us to wonder at his daring, admire 
his pluck, and his infinite capacity for taking pains, is now throwing 
an entirely new and, indeed, an electric light on the ancient Black 
(and White) art. He begins with a ' ' positive process. ' ' Some persons 
never in a lifetime get beyond this. These " positivists " employ a 
process so positive, and believe in themselves, as royalists believe in 
a monarch who can * ' do no wrong." But this is not the case with our 
gentle prof essor HTJBEBT : professor and eke a practiser. He goes from 
the ' ' positive ' ' process to the ' ' comparative," comparing other results 
with those which he has already obtained, and from the "compara- 
tive " he arrives at the " superlative," which he tells us in his lecture 
is superlatively satisfactory, and is destined to supersede the more 
laborious road, as the railway has superseded the coach. "In no 
method of black and white work that is known to me," says our 
HTJBEBT, "is rapidity of workmanship so safe and so satisfactory." 
By thia new method the artist, who is to be his own reproducer, will, 
in a jiffy (so to speak, and not quoting the words oi the Master), 
readily reach the masses with autographic touch, so that anyone with 
a tatte for real art, but lacking the means to gratify it, may acquire 
a genuine article, whose originator "dessinit engravedit dedit et 
sinedit" for some ridiculously small sum within the capacity of the 
shallowest socket. " Oliver asks for more." We would hear further 
of this, anon. 

A GAMPISH REMABK. From the Veuve Monnier et ses Fils 
inquiry it appears, from the evidence, that the Veuve Monnier was 
in invention of the ingenious person who started the company. 
Evidently, as "there never was no sech person," the English 
translation of " Veuve Monnier" is " Mr*. HABBM." 



54 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 1, 1896. 




DRAWING-ROOM INANITIES. 

He, " I WONDER YOTT 'RE NOT AFRAID OF GOING TO NlCE AFTBK THOSE TERRIBLE 
EARTHQUAKES 1 " 

She. "On, SURELY THOSE THINGS ARE ALWAYS CONFINED TO THE POOREK QUARTERS OF 
THB TOWN I 



THE TWO SENATOES. 

(Mr. Punch of Fleet Street to Mr. Walcctt of 
Washington. ) 

t" When I hear . . . that Ihe people of the British 
Isles, in defence of what they deem their rights, 
are marshalling armies and assembling navies 
rtady and undaunted to face the world in arm?, 
unyielding and unafraid, I thank God I am of that 
race. Blood is thicker than water, and until a 
just quarrel divides us which heaven forbid may 
these two great nations of the game speer-h, 
lineage, and traditions, stand as brothers shoulder 
to shoulder in the interests of humanity by a 
union-compelling peace." Senator Walcott in the 
American Senate, speaking upon Senator Davids 
resolution.] 

SA Y! Senator WALCOTT on Senator DAVIS 
Comes sweeter than sugar a-top of molasses I 

The song of the mocking-bird, bobolink, 

mavis, 
The bellicose squawk of the eagle surpasses. 



Sweet! Street! 
You 're bad to beat, 
Senat.r WALCOTT, whom warmly we greet 11! 

Senator DAVIS non CEdipus! swaggers 
And blows windbags out to their fullest 

inflation. 

But Senator "WALCOTT knows pistols aid 
daggers [nation. 

Won't scare, no, not much, a high-spirited 
Bosh 1 Bosh ! 

Windbags won't wash, [sqiash. 
Unless a man's soft as your own punkin- 

Seaator WALCOIT is almost too flattering, 

Painto JOHNNY BULL in a posture heroic. 
Well, we're not sweet on thrasonical 

chattering, 

Bat kindred's praises would soften a stoic. 
Joy ! Joy I 
WALCOTT, dear boy, 

Tributes like yours touch our hearts, and 
don't cloy. 



4 'Thicker than water?" You bet! So much 

thicker 

That CLEVELAND plus DAVIS plus Spread- 
eagle Jingo, 
The chuckling tail-twister, the asinine 

kicker, 

Don't count when compared with your 

gen-u-ine stineo ! 

Drink I Drink ! 

'Tother eye wink, 

And tangled affairs will soon "c Dm e out of 

kink! 

"Thank God you're one of our race?/' 0, 

Punch blushes I 
And yet, like your " bars," Leo loves 

virgin honey. 
And swiftly JOHN'S face fervent friendliness 

flushes 

When JONATHAN proffers the comb! I* 
that funny ? 

Shake ! Shake I 
That doesn't mean quake, 
But tip us your fist for old kinship's dear 



"Shoulder to shoulder?" Why, Senator 

WALCOTT, 
That 's j ust as we ought to be, much like two 

brothers 
Who learned at one knee, and slept in the 

eame small cot. 

And " so mote it be, ".and shall be, despite 
pothers. 

So! So! 

Now, let 'em " blow " ! 
Row, boys, row together, in spite of MONBOE ! 

Senator DAVIS non CEJipug" guesses," 
No doubt, like most Yanks, out he ain't 

guessed our riddle I 

Bat, Senator WALCOTT, the Britisher blesses, 
The man who hits " common-sense" bang 
in the middle. 

Drinks 1 Drinks I 
You 've floored the Sphinx I 
And Punch tells you straight what each 
Britisher thinks I 



BALLADE OF HAPPINESS. 

WE 've sailed the ocean's trackless main, 

Full many a passing pleasant day, 
Now back in England once again 

We come, and come, alas ! to stay. 

Back in the old familiar fray 
We fight to live. Yet dear to me 

The thought that naught can take away 
The happy days we spent at sea P 

With games we ever dared to strain 

Oar nerves and thews in ceaseless play. 
We bet upon the run to gain 

A livelihood it didn't pay I 

To one another's great dismay 
We bluffed at p )k( r ' ' Raise you three ' ' 

Can any pen aright portray 
The happy days we spent at sea ? 

Oar conduct was well, hardly fane, 
With none at hand to say us Nay. 

We danced, we sang, we ragged. In vaia 
Thty strove to stop our " making hay." 
In future when our fancies stray, 

And we are lost in r c verie, 
Shall we not often softly say, 

" The happy days we spent at sea" ? 

IS Envoi. 
Friend, if you're feeling far from gay, 

Come, drink this sentiment with me, 
"May we repeat without delay 

The happy days we spent at sea." 



ANOTHER INJUSTICE TO IRELAND. GALWAY 
has been handed over to Belgium. 



$5 



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FEBRUARY 1, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



57 



THE NOVICE AT NIAGARA. 

AN exercise elating 

The gentle art of skating, 

When gracefully gyrating 

Yon circle round the place, 
To pretty partner prating 
Of news not worth narrating, 
It is most aggravating 

To fall npon your face. 

But then the joy of whirling, 
Of twisting and of twirling, 
Let Scotchmen sing of curling, 

Of golf, and games like these, 
I fly about like winking, 
" So swanlike," I am thinking, 
When, on a sudden sinking, 

I 'm down upon my knees. 

As pale as alabaster, 
The art I vow to master, 
And, reckless of disaster, 

Once more I will essay 
To cut a simple " figger," 
Which here is quite de ' 'rigger," 
I try ; and people snigger 

Who watch me limp away. 



WHAT'S IN A NAME? Refer- 
ring to the issue of a " compressed ' ' 
version of RIDEK HAGGABD'S She, 
at a penny, someone suggests as 
a title for the series of which this 
is the first venture, " The Lie Dig 
Library." But old GBUMPY (who 
hates Penny Dreadfuls, Shilling 
Shockers, Three - and - sixpenny 
Thrillers, and all shapes of what 
he calls " romantic rubbish ") 
says be thinks the two syllables 
in "Liebig" should, for this 
purpose, be transposed ! Perhaps 
''Pemmican Pennyworths" would 
be better. 




TURKEY AND THE POWER. 

Mr, Punch. "WHAT! You BXCLUDB Ms, WILL YOU?" 

Sultan. "On NO, MY DEAK MR. PUNCH! .1 DIDN'T MEAN IT I 

COME BACK AGAIN, AND I WON'T ALLOW ANY MOKE ATBOCITIES 1 " 

["'PUNCH* EXCLUDED" FROM TURKEY. " The English are justifiably 
indignant, &c." Daily Chronicle, January 20.] 



SVENGALrVANTLTO. 

WONDERFUL! But ten minutes 
ago he was Gentleman Joe, the 
red-faced, flaxen-haired Hansom 
Cabby ; and now he is the pasty- 
faced, hook-nosed, black-bearded, 
and black-haired Svengali. None 
can complain of not getting 
fall change for their money, so 
complete is the transformation. 
Gecko, Taffy, The Laird, Little 
Billee, have their chances ; while 
Trilby herself, with the Baird 
feet, is as near the original as 
anyone totally different from her 
can be when arrayed in a similar 
costume. But all these are details 
of no importance. The central 
Tree-ilby figure is Svenaali. The 
travestie is introduced. propos 
de bottes, a phrase most applicable 
in the case of "Trilby's tootsies," 
and depends simply and solely on 
Mr. ABTHUB ROBEBTS'S burlesque 
impersonation of Du MAUBIEB'S 
memorable mesmeriser, Svengali. 
There is not a Beerbohmian trick 
that Mr. ARTHTTB ROBEBTS has 
not caught and reproduced to pre- 
posterously absurd perfection. It 
is a very masterpiece of burlesque 
imitation, the art of which is im- 
press ?d on the audience by his 
suddenly dropping it all, and 
while retaining the make-up of 
Svengah, re-asserting his own 
Arthurian individuality. Then, 
the equally sudden resumption of 
the Svengali manner is admirable. 
Finally, within five minutes all 
Svengali & study in black and 
white has disappeared, and he 
is once again the rubicund, 
flaxen-haired Hansom Cabman. 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

LAST week I was extolling the pooketable 
library, by which I mean, especially, the 
" small-pocket "library, as therein mentioned. 
If I omitted to particularise, as included in 
my laudation, the red-backed, prettily bound, 
and clearly typed series of standard works 
in prose and poetry published by GEOBGE 
KOUTLEDGE AND SONS, it is just because these 
volumes, like the poor, are always with me ; 
and secondly, because, on their first appear- 
ance in public, I had already given them 
their metd of praise. The volumes I have 
enumerated are genuinely " pocket volumes," 
i.e., volumes that can be, without any incon- 
venience, carried in an ordinary-sized coat 
pocket. The Cassell's Pocket Library, edited 
by MAX PEMBEBTON, may suit CASSELL'S 
pocket (which, primarily, it was intended to 
do), lut will not suit mine, nor, as I expect, 
any coat pocket which already has to carry 
a cipar-case and a note-book. The print is 
exce.lent, but in the case of The Paying 
Quest, by GEOBGE GISSING, the print is better 
than the matter printed ; for the story, begin- 
ning well, and having a dramatis persona; 
artistically individualised, soon becomes un- 
interesting, and then there's an end of it. 

No. 1 of'' Pierrot's Library " (JOHN LANE) 
is a story called Pierrot, by H. DE VEKE 
BTACPOOLE. A weird yet pathetic romance. 
An idea such as inspired this story might 
have occurred to the mystic fancy of a medi- 
tating dreamer seated on a deserted terrace 
amid the ruins of an old French chateau, as 
he gazed, listlessly at first, then with a 
curious interest, on two children, who, having 
dropped their toys, were standing in half- 



frightened, half-amused puzzlement, silently 
regarding the broken statue of a faun. Then 
they wander away into the woods, and so 
vanish. Whereupon John-a-dreams con- 
ceives the story of the place. There are only a 
few characters in it, but one of them, 
Joniaux, an old Napoleonic corporal who lost 
his arm at Waterloo, may remind some of 
us, in a sketchy way, of a certain English 
veteran named Corporal Trim. The French 
used strange oaths in Flanders. S;>, probably, 
did their men at Waterloo. It is a fasci- 
nating romance for a spare couple of hours. 

THE BABON. 



The Doctor's Treatment. 

Dubious Londoner. 
How will they treat this " Dr. JIM," 
Who doesn't return " a winner" ? 

Hearty Citizen. 

There's only oneway of "treating" him. 
Dubious Londoner. 

And that is ? 

Hearty Citizen. 
Give him a dinner I 
[ They shake hands, and exeunt. 



NOTE BY AN EABLY CHBISTIAN ADMITTED 
BEFOBE 7.30. If it be true that Mr. WILSON 
BABBETT is doing big business with his 
Early-Christian-Martyr play, entitled The 
Sign of the Cross, then for him the legen- 
dary motto, " In hoc signo vinces." will 
soon bear an entirely new and highly satis- 
factory meaning. 



FROM A TRANSYAALIAN EDITION OF 

SHAKSPEARE. 

President Kriiger soliloquises : 

all the unsettled humours of the 



land, 

Rash, inconsiderate, fiery voluntaries, 
Have sold their fortunes at their native 

homes, [backs 

Bearing their birthrights proudly on their 
To make a hazard of new fortunes here. 
In brief, a braver choice of dauntless spirits, 
Than now the English bottoms have waft o'er, 
Did never float upon the swelling tide, 
To do offence and scath in Christendom. 
* * * * 

How much unlook'd-for is this expedition! " 
King John, Act II., So. 1. 

Then he addresses the Chartered Company, 
substituting "neighbours" for "cousin* s, 
and the plural for the singular, in the 
following lines : 

"I have had feeling of my neighbours' wrongs, 
Andlabour'd all I could to do them right ('() : 
But in this kind to come, in braving arms, 
Be their own carvers, and cut out their way, 
To find out right with wrong, it may not be ; 
And you that do abet them in this kind, 
Cherish rebellion." 
King Richard the Second, Act II., So. 3. 



"MAY MAGISTBATES SIT WITH CLOSED 
DOOBS ? " Yes, certainly ; and with closed 
windows, too, should there happen to be any 
danger of a draught. Sorely by now the 
question has been sufficiently ventilated. 
Shut up. 



58 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 1, 1896. 




"ON SAFER GROUND." 

First Doctor. "I ORDERED HIM AN ICE-COLD BATH EVERY MORNING.'' 

Second Doctor. "WHAT. WHEN HE HAD INFLUENZA I" 

fint Doctor. " YES. Ir WILL GIVE HIM PNEUMONIA, AND I MADE MI WHOLB BEPU- 

TATION CORING THAT I " 



AN INTERVIEW. 

"Amsz-vous Paris f" was the question 
put to Miss MABIE HALTON by the inevitable 
Parisian Interviewer, or, as they sometimes 
tpell it, " Inter wiewer," which, if pronounced 
as spelt, might, to English ears polite, sound 
like a "wooer " who had interpolated himself 
between two other " wooers." Wisely did Miss 
HALTON, "knowing the language," reply, "A 
lafolie! settlement fe luitrouve un defaut . . ." 

" Lequel f " asks the Interviewer. 

Then the astute MABIE sets her chance, 
and replies, triumphantly, "Paris n'est pas 
en Amerique ! " 

No, it isn't ; and therefore, as LOWELL said, 
' ' Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris." 



What a number of good Americans there must 
be I 

Of course Miss HALTON turns out to be 
partly American and partly French : not half 
and half, as fractional portions must be left 
vscmt for her to fill up in the course of her 
future tours, just as Mr. GLADSTONE suddenly 
discovers that he is a Welshman, a Yorkshire- 
man, a Scotchman, an Italian, or of any other 
nationality according to the place and circum- 
stances of the occasion. It appears, acced- 
ing to the Interviewer, that Miss HALTON 
played at the Gaiety in the " Schap Girl, de 
Dam et Ivan Caryl." " Enough! Hein! 
Assez d'interview ! " Who said this ? Any- 
how, the heroine of the " Schap Girl " seems 
to have made a hit in " gay Paree ! " 



JEER, BOYS, JEER! 

A SONG FOR THE ENEMIES OF ENGLAND. 

AIR" Cheer, Soys, Cheer!" 
JEER, boys, jeer I JOHN BULL is doomed to 

sorrow. 

Courage ! Events ceem shattering his sway. 

Jackals may share the lion's skin to-morrow, 

For some of them try twisting the Lion's 

tail to-day. 
So farewell, England I Little did we love thee, 

Crocodile tears alone your doom deplore. 
Eagles now squeal, and cocks crow above thee, 
So farewell, England farewell for ever- 
more 1 
Jeer, boys, jeer, that poor, played out old 

country 1 

Jeer, bDys, jeer ! She has foes on every hand. 
Jetr, boys, jeerj Oh! won't there be fine 

pickings P 

Jeer, boys, jeer ! We '11 cut up the Happy 
Land! 

Jeer, boy 8, jeer I Columbia's Boss is " blow- 
ing," 
Boers bang her badly, France flout) her 

Eist and West, 
Wild WILLIAM'S Press thick mud at her is 

throwing, 
Some bad home-birds take to fouling their 

own nest. 

Long has hate lurked with little to reward it, 
Now 'tis rare fun to smile on England'* 

pain I 

Ireland rejoices when England's need is sorest. 
Bad old Britannia no more shall rule the 

main! 
Jeer, boys, jeer! the proud old "Mother 

Country"! 

Jeer, boys, jeer ! in one big hostile band ! 
Jeer, boys, jeer! Oh I it will be love' sown 

labour 

By no means lost to cut up that fat old 
land. 



AN "EVENING FROM HOME." Look in at 
the Palace Theatre of Varieties, where, to 
the artistically effective series of " Living 
Pictures," is added au excellent reoroduc- 
tion of Mr. Punch's cartoon "Ready" 
Britannia, " a fine figure of a woman," as 
Mr. Weller, Senior, observed, evokes enthu- 
siastic plaudits. " The show " at the Palace 
Theatre ought to attract those who scruple 
about going to a theatre, because, in tableaux 
vivants, only such persons can possibly be 
employed as ar able to give practical evi- 
dence of their "steadiness." Anyone at all 
"shaky " would be ineligible as a motionless 
statue. 






AN EXTRA BIG D. 

(By Watson the Unparliamentary.} 

[See the Purple East and the Daily Chronicle of 
January 25.] 

CALIPH, I fear I wasn't up to date 
I be your pardon for that chean swear-word, 
It merged me with the fish-retailing herd, 
Who crowd the approach to boozy Billings- 
gale, 

Gregarious spirit- drinkers, and who state 
Their choice opinions, like that well-known 

bird 

The garden goose, whose voice is also heard 
Tn pit or gallery with its hit s of hate. 
For in a town where coster-folk abound 
Big d's are legion, people dash their souls 
Until the streets with expletives are 

crammed. 

Thee with my purest sonnet-aureoles 
(My language makes the air blue) have I 

crowned 
Sulphureously beyond all Sultans -llett! 



FEBRUARY 1, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



59 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE'MODEBN MUBKETEEB'S SERENADE. 

THE 'grey old grange is wrapped in light, 

All dark the yew-tree glade. 
Where in the loneliness of night 

I make my ambuscade 
Hard by the tower, whence the chime 

Proclaims the hour of rest, 
And brings the beauty sleep of time 

To you within your nest. 

Beneath the terrace each parterre 

Is silvered in the dew, 
But not a blossom can compare 

In loveliness with you. 
The nightingale with trill and shake 

Bids all my heart rejoice ; 
Her melody could never make 

The music of your voice. 

I stand on guard to meet the foe 

Who causes you to weep, 
As in the days of long ago 

A knight his watch would keep. 
My matchlock 's ready for the fray, 

My aim is quick and true ; 
I '11 stop the bold marauder's way, 

His cruelty he '11 rue ! 

The air is getting over- damp, 

The screech-owl's cry is shrill ; 
I would that I might dare to stamp, 

My feet are very chill. 
What's that? Bang! Bang! Revenue is 

sweet I 

Two bunnies I both are dead ! 
They '11 never more your roses eat, 
Nor keep me from my bed. 

Forpive the frijfht ! 
Gocd night ! Good night ! 
My lady love, good night ! 



SONG OF THE OVER-RATED ONE. 

OH, did you never hear from a (hem I) " Gas 

and Water Co.," 
Who for their rates do (confound them !) 

apply ? 
They send their collector to call ev'ry 

quarter 1 co- 

-er-ci-on who does not hate and defy P 
You cannot treat 
The charge derisively, 
He won't repeat 
His call. Decisively 

Says that the water and gas both " will be 
Cut off if unpaid for 1 " The Briton so free 
Must submit I Draw a cheque on the L. and 
C. B. 




"WOULDN'T YEK LIKE TER 'AVB ONE o' THEM THINGS, Lizi ANN?" 
"No. I WOULDN'T BE SEEN ON ONE. I DONT THINK THEY'RE KICK FOR 



THE MISSING MAN. 

t" In late years we have had too many men honoured with a memorial in 
WVstminstcr Abbey. I really only know one man now alive who ought, 
when he dies, to be ' abbeyed.'" Truth, January 23, 1896.] 

WHAT one man would Truth within Westminster's walls bury ? 
It seems pretty certain, 'twouldn't be * * *. 

And we think it is not, from what everyone knows, very 
Likely this paragraph points to Lord * * *. 

'Tis true there 's one man, for whom Tories' and Rads' tone 
Alike shows respect. It might mean Mr. * * *. 
But the fact is, the name of the man for the Abbey 
Isn't mentioned through modesty. Well? Yes it's * * *. 

OBIGIN OF A TITLE. It was a condition attached to the earldom 

Ds LA WARE, that the heir to the title should marry as early 

I in as lordly a style) as possible, so that, gay and butterflyish as 

B might be. he should not elope. Hence the second title " Can't 

Elope," in ancient English, having been spelt that way. 

QUERY. Mr. RHODES is on his way back " to meet his detractors." 
detractors " a misprint for ' ' directors " ? 



THE PUGILIST TO HIS ANTAGONIST. 

(Suggest by a couple of verse* in the P. M. G., January 17.) 

HIT again and strike me, BILL, hit me on the nose ; 
Think not of a rib to break, think but of the art ; 
Let me see quite clear again, do not let us close : 
Come, let me get near to you, then the pair they '11 part. 

Bang'd up is one peeper, seeing not the light of day, 
And from out the other one a blurring moisture drips ; 
We have but to fill the time until we share the pay. 
Come again and hit me, do, hit me on the lips. 

WORK MUCH APPRECIATED AT WHITSTABLE AND COICHFSTER. 

The Return of the Native into popular favour. 

MOST APPROPRIATE ARRANGEMENT (as advertised). "Season of 
Matinees, Daly's Theatre, Daily." 

SUBJECT FOR A GRAND HISTORICAL PAINTING. Mother COLUMBIA 
and her ugly ducklings. 



SWEET STUFF 
CANDY, Q.C. 



IN SILK FOR SOUTHAMPTON ELECTORS. Mr. 



60 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FBBRUABT 1, 1896. 




BEYOND PRAISE. 

fioscius. " BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A WORD OF PRAISE FOR ANT- 
ONE. I SHOU1D LIKE TO KNOW WHO YOU WOULD CONSIDER A 

FINISHED WRITER?" 
Criticus. "A DEAD ONE, MY BOY A DEAD ONE 1" 



CHANNEL CHIT CHAT. 

(That should be Overheard at Guildhall.) 

[" What an opportunity for the City Companies to present an ironclad or 
two fast cruisers to the Navy ! " Pall Mall Cfazette.'] 

THB Cinderella, with Admiral Master Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS'S 
pennant flying, is worthy of the test traditions of the Loriners. 

The Mercers are keeping up their reputation as Merchant Adven- 
turers with the assistance of that excellent torpedo-boat catcher, 
Thomas of Acorn, under the command of the LORD MAYOR. 

The Drapers insist (in a spirit of drollery) that their fast schooner, 
the Gun Cotton, is thimble-rigged. No doubt Mr. Alderman GREEN 
will make an excellent navigating lieutenant. 

It showed much public spirit on the part of the Fishmongers to 
launch those punboats, the Sole, Plaice, Salmon, Skate, Mackerel, 
and Turbot, officered from their own members of the livery. 

The Goldsmiths have certainly produced a magnificent bat tie- ship 
in the shape of the City Sovereign. Mr. Alderman DAVIS will make 
the best of captains. 

The Skinners have named their despatch-b*>at most appropriately 
the Eel. It will be ready for eea when Mr. Alderman FAUDEL 
PHILLIPS comes on board. 

The Merchant Taylors are calling the armed cruiser they are busy 
building, the Coat of Mail. 

The Haberdashers have done good service by placing their harbour- 
defence ship, the Chest Protector, at Portsmouth. 

****** 

And yet this sort of thing was done two hundred and thirty years 
ago I 

Quite so. What was thought expedient in 1665, is no less 
necessary in 1896. 

To be rare! And after all, it is acting with common sense. 
The City Fleet will preserve the City commerce. Trade follows the 
flag, so the protection of the flag is simply a matter of business. By 
increasing the Navy, the City merely enlarges its powers of insurance. 
So three cheers for the Corporation's Armada ! 



LORD LEIGHTON, 

The President of the Sot/al Academy, died January 25, 1896, in his 66th year. 
His last words were, "My love to the Academy ! " 

A LIFE of high Art-love and lofty aims, 

Crowned both with fortune's laurel and with fame's, 

Passes, for love too soon. 
Yet honour-crowded moments make true life, 
Not empty length of years, ignoble strife, 

Or Mammon's sordid boon. 

Lately ennobled, and now lost ! 'Tia ead I 
Yet the far dream of the ambitious lad, 

In the accomplished iran, 
Artist and scholar, orator refined, 
Chivalrous courtier, graced in mould and mind, 

True Crichton of Art's clan, 

"Was well fulfilled. To classic beauty vowed, 
He stooped not to the market. Art is proud 

Of him whose latest breath 
Spake love for her. at dying pain's sharp cost. 
Love she returns, knowing what she hath lost 

By FREDERIC LEIGHTON'S death. 




"LE SPORT" IN THE BASSES 

DETERMINED on having day with hounds. Went to manege. 
Hired animal that had once been a horse. It belonged, I should 
say, to era of first NAPOLEON, when it might have done duty as 
charger during Peninsular War. Proprietor described it as "a 
reasoned horse." It struck me as "a many-seasoned horse." 
Climbed up. Seated myself on b.ck of this splendid ruin. Pro- 
ceeded to the meet. Arrived. Felt 
myself elevated and statuesque. 
Find we are to hunt strong dead 
herring instead of crafty, lively 
fox Have to wait some time, as 
Whipper-in assures me that beau- 
coup de monde are expected. 
Beaucoup de monde don't come. 
At length we move off. Hounds 
are laid on (sounds like the gas or 
the water, this, but sporting, never- 
theless) in a small paddock, where 
paysan proprietaire, accompanied 
by a half-bred sheep-dog, is pre- 
pared to receive cavalry. Noticing, 
however, that he is armed with a 
two-pronged fork, we do not wait to exchange felicitations. Note. 
The Basques, although a happy and contented, are U9t a sporting race. 

We speed across paddock, scrambling over formidable stone wall, 
nearly eighteen inches high, into a lane. Up this we gallop at head- 
long pace. Farther progress blocked by good pay sans, who, in their 
earnest desire to stop hunting, have dragged, from a cottage hard 
by, a bedstead, two chairs, and a table : these, supplemented by 
wire rope and donkey- cart, form barricade across lane. We swerve 
aside and ride on recklessly ; like Lihzow's wild jager, " a hunting 
we go " (without music), across a country of ravine, common, and 
cabbage- stalks, until my own career is ruthlessly cut short through 
the heirloom I am bestriding falling over a fence into a melon-frame. 

M. le proprietaire emerges from cottage. He says things. Seems 
quite excited, and doesn't appear to care for le sport. He works 
himself up into such a state of loquacity that he executes a sort of 
savage dance, during which he heedlessly approaches the eouth- 
western corner of my cheval de chasse. Animal gives casual glance 
round, and I note an expression in his starboard eye which bodes ill 
somebody. I essay to warn M. le proprietaire in my very best French. 
He ignores my best French, and employs the worst possible French, 
directed towards me. In his wrath he inadvertently draws quit 
near the dangerous corner of prehistoric steed. For once the expectei 
happens. Expected by me, unexpected by him. The Expected I 
fxpected takes the form of a double-barrelled-extra-high-presBur 
drive from both heels of prehistoric quadruped accurately directed 
at the nearest available spot on the body of M. le proprietaire. i 
crash 1 Not of bones but glass. Mister the proprietor has goni 
backwards into one of his own melon- frames. Here he sits in tr 
shape of a " V," his head out one side and his legs upwards on II 
other, as helpless as a Ponch-doll doubled up in his box. Finding 
myself, fortunately, still in the saddle, I urge the prehistoric 
greater efforts : in a few minutes, at all events long before Miste: 
the proprietor has extricated himself from his " glass with care, i 
are on the high road. . . . Safely returned to stable. Say, pati 
nuingly, " Pas mal ce cheval" (which has a touch of poetry in it), 
and am discreetly silent as to the incident of Mister the proprietor and 
the melon-frame. The next day I quit the locality, omitting I 
leave my address. Like the wily Reynard, I am " Gone away ! 



FEBRUARY 8, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. 



61 



ADELPHI ADOLLIFIED. 




Court-martial trying the Doilinquent. 

TOOK DOLLY to see One of the Best. When I do take her to the 
theatre I always choose one of the best. But this at the AdeJphi is 
One of the Best par excellence, or rather par Masters 
SEYMOTJB HICKS and GEOBGEY EDTVABDES. "Bravo 
'ICKS!" which, as I learn from iheatrical tradition, 
was the form of approbation bestowed on a certain 
melodramatic actor: "which," a* Mrs. Gamp might 
eay, " coupled with the nam of HEDWABDES, I drinks 
with love and tenderness." Memturs GATTI are fortu- 
nate in having obtained so telling a show for their 
puppets just at this moment, and have shown them- 
selves genuine diplomatists in securing an " armed 
piece." As a military drama, it is of uniform excel- 
lence throughout : artistically constructed ; on old lines, 
and there are none better. It has a court-martial scene 
that recalls the famous naval one in Black-eyed Susan 
(which, by the way, was itself taken from a military 
French piece), followed by a most rainfully realistic 
and intensely effective scene of an officer's degradation 
never before, as I believe, Been on the English stage. 
The play, with its marches, drills, counter-marches, 

drummers, eecerals, colonels, and so forth, has been T y Soldier ; or, the Present 
"produced," sajs the playbill, "under the stage direc- Sentry. 

tion of Mr. FBED G. LA- 
THAM," who has shown such 
proficiency in soldiering, 
that, should war break out, 
the Government will not 
hesitate to appoint him 
General Commander - in - 




serv'crs given gratuitously. That Mr. ABINGDON, as the wicked 
puppet of the show, is first-rate goes without saying. 

As for his companion in crime, the puppet entitled 
M. Jules de Gruchy (" Jules" was safe when the col- 
laborators, in godfathering a French puppet, had to 

decide "'what. tViP Henna tViov oVmnl/1 nail Viirv, V\ ; a 




Chief " under the personal \ to look prettily interesting, 
supervision of the authors" \ and to act sympathetically, 
who will represent the War 



what the deuce they should call him ? ") is 
again "one of the best" Frenchmen, fter Mons. 
MABITTS, ever seen on the English stage. His is a very 
perfect performance ; and the part, small but impor- 
tant, stands out in bold relief. 

All the toy soldiers are also " of the best," nay, " of 
the very best." The country is safe so long as Lieut.- 
General CHABLES FULTON, Sir ABCHIBALD SASS, K.C.B., 
A.D.C. (was he an " A.D.C." at Cambridge? if so, the 
Amateur Dramatic Club has to be congratulated on its 
training), and President CABTEB, of the court-martial, 
with the other distinguished (but nameless) officers, are 
in command. 

Another "of the best " is the doll styled Jason Jupp. 
the gay and grumpy old villager, a " bit of character " 
for which the make-up and acting of Mr. ATHOL FOBDE 
will be mem- 
orable. 
As the wicked heroine, 

Miss HENBIETTA WATSON 

acts this Countess Zicka- 

like part in a manner that 

foreshadows the career of 

aPATBiCK CAMPBELL. Miss 

EDITH OSTLEBE has only 



Office. So much for the 
show and the showmen, and 
now for the puppets; the 
Adelphi Dolls. 

My DOLLY was delighted 
with Mr. TEBBISS, quite 
"No. 1 Adelphi Terriss." 
A type of the 



," Two to cne on him." 

manly, bluff soldier or sailor, who would scorn to commit 
any action that was not the purest, the noblest, and the 
best ! In this piece he has something to do, a lot to 
think, plenty to express facially, and not so very much 
to say. Facta non verba is puppet TEBBISS'S motto as 
Dudley Keppel. 

Then, as to the villain puppet. Philip Ellsworth, 
"owner of Market Witton Saw Mills," which business 
bein g " up " on e day and ' ' down ' ' the next, may be termed 
"the See-saw Mills," certainly, if Mr. TEBBISS is "one 
of the best," then is Mr. ABINGDON "one of the worst." 
At his best when at his worst. Once a villain, always a 
'illain. Why is it that, once accepted by the public as 
the representative bad man of the deepest dye, neither 
Mr. ABEKGDON, nor anyone else with the professional 
curse upon him, can ever again hope to appear with 
success as the virtuous and self-sacrificing lover, or the 
benevolent friend ? As salaried villain he is worth, pro- 
fessionally, untold gold ; as a virtuous person, peasant or 
gentleman, a manager would risk much who accepted his 




The Not Dudley Blow. 




which she does as " one of 

the best." " Did you never 

hear of KATE KEABNEY ? " 

She plays the Irish Land- 
lady, also as "one of the 

best." 
Finally, Mr. HA KEY 

NICHOLLS as Private Jupp, 
with his sweet- 
heart Miss YANE FEATHEBSTON as Kitty Spencer, are 
between them the life and soul of the piece. As the 
Cockney soldier of "The 2cd Highlanders," HABBY 
NICHOLLS is " kilt entirely " but quite unconquered. He 
takes the Scotch cake. Rarely, except when he was in 
an office as a lawyer's clerk (in a Drury Lane melodrama) 
always wanting to go out to lunch, have I seen him more 
thoroughly amusing than as Private Jupp. His hnmour 
is so quiet : he is Private and confidential. He has 
only to glance silly at the audience to set them in a roar. 
A genuine comedian in the truest and best sense. 
Yes, there are very few parts in the wide range of light 
and low comedy, and burlesque, that he could not play 
to perfection. With a good dramatic s^ory and HABBY 
NICHOLLS for the relief, dramatists and manager may 
rest contented. 



Dudley and Dolly. 



CAVE UBSTJM:! According to latest intelligence from 
St. Petersburg the bloated Turkey is likely to be boiled 
down into Bear's Greece. 



VOL. ex. 



62 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 8, 1896. 




THE COMPACT. 



Mephistopheles ("&fa Eusse"). " BUT MAKE 

THE coMPicr, AND AT ONCB I 'LL UNDERTAKE 

To CHARM YOU WITH MINB ARTS .... 

BUT ONE THING ! ACCIDENTS MAY H4PPEN, HBNCK 

A LINB OR TWO IN WRITING GRANT I PRAY." 



Faust ( " A la Turqiie"). 'A WRITING, PEDANT, DOST DEMAND 

FROM MB ? 

A FORMAL DBED, WIIH SEiL AND SIGNATURE 1 
Is'T NOT ENOUGH THAT BY MY WORD ALONE 

I PLEDGE MY INTEREST?" Goethe' s Faust. 

said that between 



" It should be clearlf understood that no writteo compact as yet exists b3tween Euwia and Turkey ..... The SULTAN .... sai 
i jh friends as himself and the TSAR written engagements were superfluous."" Our Own Correspondent," " Times," January 31. 



FEBRUARY 8, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 




WELL WORTH IT, TOO! 

Nervous M. F. H. (to his Huntsman], " SEND HIM AT IT, GOSLING I THEBE 's A Sov. FOB YOU IP THE TOP BAB GOBS I ' 



NELSON EAST OP TEMPLE BAB. 

(A Page from the Diary of a Future Lord Mayor.) 

Monday. Yesterday's rumour justified. War is proclaimed. Put 
('fit all business of a civilan character to a more convenient opportunity. 
Pasted placard on the Mansion House, giving news to the public, and 
desired the immediate presence of the City Marshal. That worthy 
official answered my inquiries with "ready, aye ready." Accom- 
panied by the Sheriffs, took command (at Dover), of the City Fleet. 
S.) much occupied that I have scarcely time to make this entry. 

Tuesday. Yery well satisfied with the Squadron. My battle-ship, 
The Snapping Turtle, with my pennant flying, heads the flotilla. 
My gallant secretary acts as navigating- lieutenant. The City 
Marshal controls the marines. The Sheriffs are responsible for 
their respective commands. They are signalling to one another from 
the decks of their respective ironclads, The Gog and The Magog. 
The Aldeimen who have passed the chair are the captains of the 
first oivision ; those who have not are the chief officers of the 
second. The Recorder (assisted by the Common Serjeant) is most 
useful in his despatch boat, The C. C. C., in acting as a police 
patrol. Not that his services are really required, as the patriotism of 
the Liverymen prevents an attempt at desertion. Spent the entire 
diy in getting things ship-shape. From what I see I believe I shall 
be able to give a good account of the enemy when I meet him. 
No more time for writing. 

Wednesday. Held a council of war in The Snapping Turtle. 
rreeent the Sheriffs, the Aldermen, the Recorder, the Common 
Serjeant, the City Chamberlain, the City Marshal, the Common 
^rier, and the Sword Bearer. Made a little speech, which was 
received with enthusiasm. Congratulated the Corporation on taking 
the hint of the public Press in fitting out and officering a City Fleet. 
No doubt other orations would have followed had not proceedings 
been interrupted by the report (a false one) that the enemy was in 
sight. Beat to quarters. Every man in his place. The Common 
Uouncillors (in their mazarine gowns) at the guns. Every ship had 
a company beadle acting as boatswain. Manoeuvred for some time. 



Then, pursued by a gale, took refuge in the Downs. In consequence 
of the stormy weather, banquet proposed at the morning's council of 
war postponed indefinitely. Have to drop my pen to take com- 
mand of ihe midnight watch. 

Thursday. Spent the day in torpedo practise. Converted river 
steamboats very sure, if rather slow. The adapted City barges make 
excellent floating batteries. Surprised to find they carry their eight- 
inch armour so easily. City Marshal most usefully employed in 
training his new cavalry, the Mounted Marines. The Common Crier 
has very properly exchanged his mace for a revolver, an example 
that has been followed (so far as the circumstances of the case 
admitted) by the Sword Btarer. Everyone in good spirits. General 
engagement expected to-morrow. No more leisure f<>r scribbling. 

Friday. Glorious victory! Met the enemy off Herne Bay. 
Evidently the foe were attempting to obtain possession of the 
Reculvers. My flagship, The Snapping Turtle, rammed ironclad 
commanded by the enemy's admiral I fancy his vessel was called 
The Bumptious most successfully. Both The Gog and The Magog 
distinguished themselves. The Mounted Marines (under the City 
Marshal) carried out one of the most dashing cavalry charges on 
record, jumping from ship to ship with perfectly marvellous agility. 
The Town Clerk most nseful in his torpedo-boat destroyer. The 
gallant C. C. C. (with the Recorder on board) saved lives of drown- 
ing opponents. As the enemy used common powder instead of our 
smokeless variety could see very little of the course of events. 
However, am satisfied that I am right in describing the day's doings 
as a triumph ! 

Saturday. Quite right I "We did win I Only time to record that 
my signal, " England has not expected in vain the City of London to 
do its duty," was received with the greatest enthusiasm. 



A BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT. A cyclist stopping beside Sir HENRY 
MBUX'S Temple Bar at Theobalds, in the hope of getting a pint of ale. 

AN ACTOR WHO BRINGS THE WATER MEADOWS OVER THE FOOT- 
LIGHTS. Mr. BROOKFIEID. 



64 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 8, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(By BABOO HUBBY BUNQSHO JABBEBJKE, B.A.) 

No. IV. 

Containing Mr. Jabberfee's Impressions at The Old Masters. 

I HAVE the honour to report that the phantom of delight has 
recently recommenced to dance before me. Miss JESSIMINA 
MANKLETOW, the perfumed, moony- faced daughter of the gracious 
and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding es- 
tablishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged 
from the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of 
encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility. This I 
partly attribute to general impression which I do not condescend to 
deny that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some 
analogous kind of big native pot. 

So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and 
a similar young virginal lady friend, 
by name Miss PBISCILLA PBIMMETT, to 
Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, as 
Prince Hamlet appositely remarks, 
" Look here upon this picture and on 
this." Which I joyfully accepted, 
being head- over-heel* in love with 
Art, and the possessor of two mag- 
nificent coloured photo -lithographs, 
representing a steeplechase in the act 
of jumping a trench, and a water- 
nymph in the very decollete undress of 
" puris naturalibus," weltering on a 
rushy bed. 

We proceeded thither upon the 
giddy summit of a Royal Oak omni- 
bus, and on arriving in the vestibulum, 
were peremptorily commanded to 
undergo total abstinence from our 
umbrellas. 

Being accompanied by the span-new 
silken affair with the golden head, 
which, as I have narrated supra, I 
was so lucky to obtain promiscuously 
after witnessing the Adelohi of the 
Westminster college boys, I naturally 
protested vehemently against such 
arbitrary and tyrannical regulations, 
urging the risk of my unprotected 
umbrella being feloniously abduoted 
during unavoidable absence by some 
unprincipled and illegitimate claimant. 

But. alack ! I was confronted with 
the official ultimatum and sine qua 
won, and have subsequently learnt 
that the cause of this self-denying 
ordinance is due to the uncontrollable 
enthusiasm of British Public for works 
of art, which leads them to signify 
approbation by puncturing innumera- 
ble orifices by dint of sticks or 
umbrellas in the jn-oceea of pointing 
out tit-bits of painting, and on ac- 
count of the detrimental influence on 
the marketable value of pictures thus 
distinguished by the plerophory of the Vox Populi. 

Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed with many misgivings at 
having to hand over three hostage umbrellas one being masculine 
and two feminine gender and receiving nothing in exchange but a 
wooden medallion of no intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly dispro- 
portionate number of over one thousand! Next, after, at Miss 
JESSIMINA'S bidding, having purchased a sixpenny index, we 
ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three shillings cash 
payment, were consecutively pqueezed through a restricted wicket 
as if needles going through the eye of a camel. 

I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating 
the first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, 
tor will it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were 
second, or even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned 
dingitude, and fit only for the lumbering room ? 

Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap 
and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be 
procured, and that it is ultra vires to obtain such for love or money 
before the merry month of May. Still I must persist in denouncing 
the penny wisdom and pound foolery of the Academicals in foisting off 
upon the public such ancient and fish-like articles that have long ceased 
to be ban ton and in the fashion, f ince it is undeniable that many are 
over fifty years, and some several centuries behind the times ! 




" Miss Jeasimina Mankletow. 



It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recog- 
nise that^it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be floresoent 
under this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such 
untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and 
patronage of their most fastidious customers. 

Miss JESSTMINA remarked more than once that such and such a 
picture was not in her taste and she would never have chosen it 
personally, while Miss PBIMMETT declared that she would not have 
had her likeness taken by Hon'ble Sir JOSH GAINSBOKO, or Misters 
VELASKY and VANDICK, not even if they implored her on their 
bended marrowbones, and that, as for a certain individual effemi- 
nately named ETTT, it was a wonderment to her how respectable 
people could stand in front of such brazen performances I These 
remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks of 
the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify; that the most 
general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it was 
quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have 
done the job better themselves. 

A certain Mister TTJBNEB came in 
for the BENJAMIN'S mess of obloquy, 
having represented Pluto, the god of 
wealth, in the act of carrying off a 
female Proserpine, but the figures so 
Lilliputian, and in such a dispropor- 
tionate expansion of confused sceneries, 
that the elopement produced but a 
very paltry impression. The slipshod 
carelessness of this painter may be 
realised from the fact that in a com- 
position styled " Slue Lights to Warn 
Steamboats off Shoal Water," the blue 
lights are conspicuous by their total 
absence, and the mistiness of the at- 
mospherical conditions renders it diffi- 
cult to distinguish either the steamers 
or the shoals with even tolerable 
accuracy I 
In the ulterior room were sundry 

E reductions from Umbrian and Mi- 
mese and other schools, such being 
presumptively the teaching establish- 
ments over which Hon'ble REYNOLDS 
and TUBNEB and GRETIZI and Co. pre- 
dominated as Old Masters. But surely 
it is unfair, and like seething a kid in 
the maternal nutriment, to class such 
crude and hobbardj hoy performances 
with works by more senile hands ! 

Here I observed a painting to illus- 
trate scenes in the life of an important 
celebrity, who was childishly repre- 
sented many times over having sepa- 
rate adventures in the space of a few 
square feet, and of a Brobdingnacian 
bulkiness compared to his perspective 
turroun dings. Had this been the work 
of an Indian artist, native gentlemen 
out there would simply have smiled 

S'tiably at such ignorance, and given 
m the gentle admonishment that he 
was only to make a fool of himself for 
his pains. There was also a picture of 
a Diptych, in two portions, with a 
background of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very 
poorly represented as an anatomy. 

Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to 
single out any for hon'ble mention ; but loyalty as a British subject 
obliges me to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty the 
QUEEN, and representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip- 
snap with a meek and inoffensive schoolfelloWj who supports himseli 
on one leg, and is occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, 
until his widow* d and aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved 
offspring from his grave crisis. 

This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can 
attest from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, 
although, owing to preserving my sangfroid, I was generally able to 

* i j l i_ 1 I J^X ._ A _ U n M**4-w* .- *hl**%Aba*ttf> 



rapidity from vicinity of shocking 
kicks by my truculent assailant. 

Also a subject, by late Hon'ble REYNOLDS, of a student who, ai 
Miss JESSIMINA informed me, viva voce, from the guide-book, was 
" supposed to be a portrait of Master BBOWN." I will not allege that 
it is as like as two peas to the Mister BROWN of Westbourne Grove, 
of whom I have lately commanded a pair of patent leathers, but, now 
constat that it may not be a correct representation of him in his 
statu pupillari period, so I will bestow upon it the benefit of a 
doubt. 



FEBRUARY 8, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



63 



Let me 'not omit to mention a painting of " Polichinelle" by "a 
Gallic artist, which] Miss PRIMMETT said was the French equivalent 
to Punch. At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, 
I assured them, as one familiarly connected with Hon'ble Punch, 
who regarded me as a son, such a portrait was the very antipode to 
his majestic lineaments, nor was it reasonable to suppose that he 
would allow his counterfeit presentment to be depicted in the un- 
dignified garbage of a buffoon ! 

I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, 
and that he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with 
something in the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open 
testimony as the above. 

I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability cf 
our umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the 
drooping clay of our internal tenements at an Aerated Tea Company 
with a profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with 
amiable blindness permitted me the privilege of forking out. 

THE WARES OP TATJTOLOGUS. 
"BREAKFAST AT A COFFEE-STALL," 

SAITH Sir John Falstaff robustious, corpulent eques to Prince 
Hal, " 0, thou hast damnable iteration 1 " and the Post Meridiem 
Gazette's numberless perusers turning to the wares of their faithful, 
humble TAUTOLOGUS, doubtless exclaim, " 0, thou hast delectable 

iteration I " For hath he not 
described countless times in 
constantly varying style How 
the crocus in early spring 
bursteth through terra fir ma, 
How doves circle about St. 
Paul's dome and strut in the 
cathedral yard, How the cross- 
ing-sweeper sweepeth, How 
the wealthy dine, lunch, sup 
et hoc genus omne f And shall 
he not make friends acquainted 
with his methods of preparing 
these feasts literarum Sarda- 
napalian word banquets? 
Verily yea. Know then that 
TAUTOLOGUS hath little sack 
fall of assorted epithets, quo- 
tations not too hackneyed 
from classics, slightest sprink- 
ling, or minimum quantity, of 
definite article, plentiful supply 
of dashes, brackets, commas 
(inverted), notes of interroga- 
tion and eke exclamation. 
Stirring up these main ingre- 
dients ne produceth essay not, 
he hopeth, unworthy his Elian 
predecessor. 

^ is TAUTOLOGUS altogether unassisted in his labours at the 
sign of " The Wares." Mrs. T. discourseth not seldom, with delicate 
fascinating touch of lettered feminine hand, upon world-absorbing 
topics such as " Chickens and Hens," " Geese and Foxes," " Backs," 
" Socks," " Silk," and " Slippers." 'Tis no idle flattery to pro- 
nounce her effusions not second to those of your obedient, obsequious 
servant himself. Revert we now to title of present article, "Break- 
fast at a Coffee-Stall." 0, thou Shrove-tide reveller! homewards 
weeding upon Shanksian steed the city, just ere rosy-fingered dawn 
(p68oSa.KTv\os 'EWJ) makes first appearance, being cabless despise not 
the unassuming vendor of irreproachable Mocha, comfortably en- 
sconced in ben trovato indentation of a house's wall, or in cleverly- 
chosen cul-de-sac. Stay rather to dissipate fumes of thy nocturnal 
debauch in steaming cup (poculum) filled from huge throbbing urn 
situated at the dexter extremity of immaculate linoleum-covered 
counter. Drink the comforting beverage as "piping-hot" (pot 
bouille) as throat will bear. Then, if impaired digestion permit and 
TAUTOLOGY'S advice be followed, let the palate be tempted by 
dainty, insidious sardine, deftly served upon crisp, crackling square of 
toast. Neither, upon this exquisite plat, neglect to sprinkle purple, 
liqaant powder the product of distant Cayenne. 

Now is apparent the fall force of TALLEYRAND'S truism or 
BBILLAT SAVAKIN'S was it? "'Ifuppttit vieni en mangeant." 
Order, therefore, pomme Irlandaise-^thi apple of Hibernia, the 
potato roasted, and not divested of its jacket. Cat in halves and 
lubricate its mealy interior with judicious quantity of margarine, 
which the amiable caterer provideth upon application. Shun, with 
this dish, sardine-suitable Cayenne, flavouring instead with black 
pepper and a soupcon of salt only. Hunger's pangs appeased, a 
second copious draught of the coffee-bsrry's decoction may not be 
amiss. Day now dawneth, the horny-handed one hurrieth along 




the street to diurnal duties, and thou top-hatted, brazenly-belated 
scion of Society art an incongruous object on the awakening town- 
scape. Retire then, rapidly, to thy domicilium, not forgetting to 
purchase from the all -providing matutinal restaurateur fumi sacra 
fames /a fragrant Denarian weed of genuine home-grown Havana. 
Bid him a courteous " Tale," and proceed, refreshed, upon thy way 
now no longer tortuous nor encumbered by multiplicity of lamp- 
posts. Thou hast broken thy fast like a king at a coffee-stall ! 



ALFRED TO ALFRED. 

(A very Up-to-date Song from the Shades.) 

ALFRED, ALFRED, ALFRED ! Since you also bear my name, 
You might have more respected both my feelings and my fame ; 
For copy-book moralities, piped forth as by a starling. 

Will not make England venerate the memory of her Darling." 

1 do not love that name, ALFRED ; it does not match with mine ; 
It savours of suburban " spoons,'' or rustic "Valentine." 

1 'm told by those who know, ALFRED, when bourgeois sweethearts 

meet, 
They doat, like you, on " darling," dwell, like you, on " Sweet I 

Sweet I Sweet I" [Park. 

Which may do for amorous Hampstead, or for Cockney Clapham 
Or for ANGELINA " walking-out " with EDWIN, her new spark ; 
But for Eowr and EDGIVA, quite another sort of pair, [the air," 
(Though the latter' s name ''soared into space, and summered all 
As you credibly inform us,) well, I don't wish to be harsh, 
But two Anglo-Saxon lovers, in a damp, " low-lying marsh," 
Hardly talked such twiddle-twaddle, when we had to fight the Dane, 
As a couple of canoodlers in a Cockney Lovers' Lane. 
There 's a want of " local colour," my dear ALFRED, in your lay, 
For we did not war, or wanton, in your mild suburban way. 
There is too much sugar-candy in your handling of such themes, 
And your Muse if I may say so is too fond of chocolate-creams. 
You know I touched the harp myself, but, on your Laureate-lyre, 
You twiddle in a fashion which had roused grim GUTHRUM'S ire. 
And Celt and Briton, Angle. Frisian, Saxon, Norseman tco, 
Would have seized their ''shrilling weapoEB," and at once have 

gone for you I 

I was quite a moral model, as king's go, I am aware ; 
But I don't remember having such a go-to-nc eating air 
As your virtuous " England's Yum-yum" I mean "Darling" 

seems to sport. 

And as to " forehead questioning the sky " 0, cut it short I 
I 'd a " virile love of country," or at least I hope I had, 
Bat thrasonic gush about it would have made me feel quite mad. 
In dear old " foam-fencei England" I should feel myself at home, 
But not among the Jingoes who are also given to " foam," 
Foam at the mouth, my ALFRED, like mad dogs and men in fits. 
There be "patriots" and " poets," my dear ALFRED, wits and cits, 
Who the muzzle and strait-jacket seem, at seasons, to require. 
" ALFRED shall have this England " as a theme for his new lyre ; 
It seems rather hard on Eagland, so the earlier ALFRED thinks, 
An idea from which my " practical imagination " shrinks. 
Still, I wouldn't mind so much if ALFRED limited his odes 
To paeans upon JAMESON, and dithyrambs on RHODES. 
But it sets the shades a-sniggering and old Cerberus a-snarling 
To think of Saxon ALFRED being shrined in England's Darling!! ! 



RURAXITIES. 



SLR, I am sure you will be glad to hear how unusually mild the 
season is with us in the country. As a proof of the fact, the follow- 
ing may be of interest. The other day Mr. SIDESPLITTER, a local 
gentleman, was accused by a lady friend of having cut her in the 
street. He replied" It was such a little cut, that it might almost 
be called a cutlet ! 



Can you imagine anything milder than that ? 
A RESIDENT AT SPARKLINGTON. 



SIR, Oar venerated old clergyman met my boy TEDDY (aged six) 




extremely forward we are in the country this saason ! 

PROUD PATER. 

SIR, The precocity of the vegetation for the time of year is truly 
remarkable. A lad of mine has just come in from the garden, and 
tells me he found a rose out ! I have not seen it myself, but the boy 
is incapable of an untruth, and I think the unparalleled event (for 
January) deserves a notice in your columns. 

DARWIN CUVIER JONES. 

P.8. I find it was the watering-pot rose that the lad found. Still 
the fact remains that the watering-pot itself was out at a period of 
the year earlier than I ever remember. 



66 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 8 1896 




THE NEW FOOTMAN. 

"On, MUMUT ! ISN'T JOHN A DARLING!" 



Were foolish, fate-inviting, mad. 

You're right, my boy, I. must be ready. 
Jut song another refrain had 

In good old day a, "Steady, boys, steady I" 

Steady 's the word I 'T were too absurd 

For BULL to show mere boyish flurry. 
I fancy he 's too old a bird 

To fall a prey to hurry-scurry. 
Che Eagles, with one head or two, 

Like roosters scared may crow and cackle ; 
But 'tisn't loud hullaballoo 

That is the toughest thing to tackle. 

It isn't crying'." Shoo I " or " Whu-ush'.I " 

Like an old Durden to her Partlets, 
Will scare my chicks to a mad rush. 

Not DAVISES nor AsHMEU)-BARTLETT9 
Will rule the roost this side or that. 

Kaisers and Dr. BURNSIDES bluster ; 
But when I put my foot down flat 

It won't be frightened up by fluster. 

Who hints the City Fathers might 

Prove patriot zeal, as in old centuries, 
By arming England for the fight 

With extra ironclads ? The venture is 
Exceeding bold. Bat hoarded gold 

Is apt to hold mere sentiment gammon. 
1 put my trust, now, as of old, 

Much more in Manhood than in Mammon. 

Yet if ,'twixt Wealth andlCommonwealth; 

Sach proof of patriot kinship proffers, j 
'Twill be fair sign of England's health, 

And make us prouder of our coffers. 

Lay on, HICKS-BEACH 1 " our Jingoes'cry, 

" Give GOSCHEN whatsoe'er he 'axes ! , 
But patriots tiue but poor must sigh 

At prospect of yet heavier taxes. 

Dives, who hath huge hoards at stake, 

Is most " Britannia-rule-the-wavy, ' 
But will he prove his patriot make 

By adding to his country's navy ? 
What a wild cheer that volunteer 

From the whole Empire would elicit ! 1 1 
Saint George I I should be proud to hear 

Of the first million down ! Where is it f 



"NAVAL ESTIMATES." 

11 We must be prepared. We must never lose 
the supremacy of the sea .... it is vital to our 
very existence. ... I do not think I shall be di- 
vulging Cabinet secrets if I tell you that the 
Government are not going to slacken exertion, and 
that large as this year's Naval Estimates have been , 
next year you will see furtber increase." 

Sir Michael Hiekt-Beach at Leeds, 

John Bull loquitur: 

ALL right, Sir MICHAEL ! Fire away I 

Be sure you will not find me grudging. 
To my last penny I will pay 

For safety. But no Jingo fudging I 
No wanton waste in headlong haste I 

No upward rush like a mad rocket I 
Pocket comes second, to my taste, 

But there are limits e'en to pocket. 



Like C.KSAR to the pilot, I 
Say, "Forward, and fear nought! Thou 

earnest 

Great CJESAR and his fortune 1 " Why, 
The storm may swell e'en whilst thou tar- 

riest. 
My fleet 's my fortune, well I know, 

And though strong foes the seas shoulc 

To my Brundusium* I must go. [cover 

Though storm- winds howl and storm-clouds 

hover. 

And winds and clouds, I must admit. 

Seem beating up as though for battle. 
In insular confidence to sit 

Till hurricanes roar and thunders rattle 

fleets, he resolved to embark in a vessel of twelve 
pars, without acquainting any person with hi 
intention, and sail to Brundusium." 

PLUTARCH'S Life of Cttsar. 



A SOMETHING OF A DIFFICULTY. 

IN Napoleon's Last Voyages, published by 
FISHER UN WIN, JOHN WOLSELEY, serving on 
board the Superb when NAPOLEON surren- 
dered, says, " On Sunday NAPOLEON came 
on Inard. * * He is very short and very fat, 
and was, consequently, much tired with 
walking up and down the ladders." Ahem ! 
"Very short and very fat," and yet our 
HENRY IRVING, who is tall and very lean, is, 
it is said, to appear as the Great NAPOLEON. 
Such an objection is not insuperable. If 
taken at all, it must equally apply to Sir 
HENRY IRVLNG'S playing the part of Hamlet, 
who, on his own mother's showing, wa* a 
short, stout party (vide Hamlet, Act V., 
So. 2), who would soon get "bellows to 
mend" in a fight, or in any such exertion as 
is implied in " such a gettin' up stairs." Sir 
HENRY, by his breadth of style, will have to 
reduce his own height to the Napoleonic 
inches. But, indeed, not so very long ago 
one of our clever artist-boys in Mr. Punch's 
Annual showed how the trick might be done. 



LITERARY GOSSIP (from the"Austineeum"). 
We understand that theauthor of England's 
Darling has in preparation two new volumes, 
which will shortly be published. Thtir titles 
vri\\\>* Scotland's Poppett ( ROBE RTTHE BRUCE), 
and Ireland's Diddums (BRIAN BOKU). 

MICHAEL AND HIS FOUJHD ANGEL. The 
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and his 
surplus. 

A LATTREATE OF METRE. The Gas Collector. 



P 

> 



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s 

o 5 

B S 

go, 






" or 



o B 



as- 



o- 
o g 





? hd 



FEBRUARY 8, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



69 




He. "I SEE TOUB FRIEND, MBS. OVERTON, HAS WRITTEN A SOCIETY NOVEL." 

! She. " OH DEAR ! AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS SUCH A A/C-MINDED WOMAN 



GOING A DIGBEE BETTEB. In Ihe Alhe- 
ncp.um it was recently said that " The Oxford 
movement in favour of granting the B.A. 
degree to qualified women seems to have 
gained a new impetus," and the petition will, 
probably, be hacked by the Vice-Chancellor, 
one of the Proctors, and other university 
lights and leaders. But how can ladiep, 
married or unmarried, ever be " Bachelors" ? 
Why not a new and special degree for them ? 
We have Maids of Honour, Bride's-Maids, 
House-Maids, and so forth. Why not, for 
the unmarried, " L.M.," which will serve for 
" Learned (or Lovable) Maid." She will wear 
a becoming cap, showy gown, and a hood. 
If married, 1he letters L.M. will stand for 
"Learned Matron," with bonnet, gown, 
streamers and hood of another cut and colour, 
symbolising the distinction between Maiden- 
hood and Wife-hood. 



" HONEST MY LORD ? " Last Saturday the 
Daily News gave in its list of distinguished 
Parliamentarians staying at Cannes the name 
of " Lord BUBGHELEBE, long known as 
Mr. HEBBEBT GABDNEB." What is the 
correct way of pronouncing this title? Is 
it "Bur-ghe-le-re" or " Burghe-le-re " or 
' ' Burghe-lere " ? Take it how you will, can it 
be looked upon as a rise in life for a man 
who was once a worthy and honest Gard'ner 
to have become a Burg'lar, or to be connected 
in any way with Burg-la-ree ? 



"ALADDIN'S UNCLE, OK PBOFESSOB BONT- 
GEN AND HIS DISCOVERY." Great song by 
the Herr Professor, " Neic Lights for Old 
Ones." "Ah!" sighs our Bilious Contri- 
butor ; "if he could only for 'lights' substitute 
' livers ' I What a business he would do 1 1 " 



A SOMERSET VALENTINE. 

I DO reckon 'morrow be proper day, 

Zo warr'nt I '11 spell ee out a line, 
An' poastman '11 gie 't ee soon as may 

Come marnin' 'tes zart o 1 Valentine. 
I 've a zummat to tell ee, ehart an 1 zwit, 

An' might 've a-telled it ee long ago 
But there, like tartus as vair a-bit 

Wold hare. I be tarr'ble sure an' slow. 
Aye, sure an' slow, an' poor an' plain, 

But tidden great yolk do veel the mos' ; 
An' 'morrow marnin' I '11 be down lane 

'Gin Varmer VELLACOTT'S archard- close. 

I beant no echolard, as you do know, 

I worn't a one vor books to school, 
An' ha' n't done much to 't zince, like JOE 

He 've a sight o' larnin' an' I be vool. 
Hows' ever, las' ploughin' down to Ling's 

(Dpeemind?)virst prizewer' a-judgedto I- 
Do zim there do be a power o' things 

As books oant do vor ee more 'n fly. 
An' a heart, I count, 'tes better 'n brain 

J'ce a-loved ee zince I do mind a'moa'; 
Zo come, dear, do ee I '11 bide down lane 

'Gin Varmer VELIACOTT'S archard-close. 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Ma. WEILS'S Wonderful Visit would have 
been all the better for compression. We are 
delighted to welcome the strange visitor ; bat 
4 visit may be prolonged till the caller be- 
o->mes a nuisance. This particular District 
Visitor happens to be an angel not exactly 
in angel of the Old or New Testament, the 
author is careful to tell UP, so as to guard 
himself against any charge of irreverence, 
or of being classed among those who riuh in 
where angels fear to tread ; but an angel of a 
lower zone, an amiable kind of being, some- 
'hing between a boy and a bird, not unlike a 
Peri or an overgrown fairy. 

The Vicar of the parish, who is a collector 
of strange specimens, wings him with his 
gun, brings him down, and take him home. 
Sj perhaps the story originated with the old 
Yankee joke about the sportsman who, hear- 
ing others lying about their wondrous shots, 
topped them all with" Waal, guess one day 
I was out shooting, and 1 winged a cherub. 
We kept him hopping about the garden, and 
made quite a pet of him, until one day, 
when " He paused. His hearers breath- 
lessly inquired, " What happened ? " " Waal, 
torry to say, the cat eat him." 

The " winged " angel becomes rather 
tedious, and at last, having won the affec- 
tions of a housemaid, both disappear in 
smoke. And this is in brief the story of 
"the angel in the house" not by CO- 
VENTRY PATMOBE. 

Mr. ANTHONY HOPE'S Comedies of Court- 
ship are excellent light reading. Several 
tales in a single volume. " Pick 'em where 
you like." All good, and recommended by 

THE BABON. 



AN ACCRA-WAITING SITUATION. 
[Prince ATCHBREBOANDA, the claimant to the 
Golden Stool, is still at Accia.] 

PRINCE, whose name suggests a sneeze 
Combined with some weird, gooselike wheeze, 

Why claim that Golden Stool P 
Would not a biscuit-box befit 
Your dignity, or must you sit 

On what supports no golden rule ? 
Dark ATCHEBEBOANDA, stay I 
Think on poor PBEMPEH'S wilful way, 

And curb your proud ambition. 
Or else you 'U occupy some day 

His stool of sad contrition 1 



70 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 8, 1896. 




Our Gallant Colonel, "YOUR DAUGHTERS, MY BEAR MRS. TYMPANUM, ARR LOOKING DELIGHTFUL TO-NIGHTPIMPLY DELIGHTFUL I " 
Mrs Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a roti of ducklings). "YES, AREN'T THEY I I *va HAD THEM STUFFBD 
WITH SAGE AND ONIONS I " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

ADMIRAL THUNDER. 

NOT long ago I received a letter from my old friend Admiral 
THUNDER. That is not his real name, but it is the name by which 
he was universally known throughout the service while he was btill 
on the active list, and it still clings to him in his retirement. Origi- 
nally due to the old sea dog's inveterate habit of expressing himself 
in the strongest language whenever his anger or bis interest was 
aroused, it has lost none of its applicability now that the Admiral no 
longer directs the movements ot a squadron, or keeps his clear blue 
eye on the signs of the weather in mid ocean. Indeed, advancing 
years, far from mitigating the matchless ferocity of the Admiral's 
language, have, if anything, rather increased its force and copious- 
ness. The causes that provoke the dear old sailor's outbursts are 
necessarily more trivial in the pleasant little Hampshire house where 
he is spending what he has, for six years at least, called the last few 
days of his liie, than they were on board a battleship; but this 
makes no difference to the Admiral. I do not mean to Bay that the 
Admiral is a habitual or even a frequent swearer of oaths. Here 
and there one of these short, crisp little words, will pop out, but set 
as it is in one of the Admiral's flaming sentences, its appearance is 
as little noticed as would be the crack of a toy pistol in the midst of 
a tornado. 

I SPOKE just now of the Admiral's advancing years. I must not 
be misunderstood. He is still well on the fair-weather side of 
seventy ; his eye is undimmed, his step is elastic, his figure is erect, 
his noble chest is not yet shrunk from the broad expanse on which, 
informer days, a brilliant array of medals used to glitter, and his 
voice, though it merely shakes the rafters of his country home, or 
echoes through the woods, is not less resonant than when it used to 
strike obedience into his crew. His thick and stubborn hair is grey, 
but in his crisp beard the dark is still the ruling colour. He has 
seen much war-service from the day when, as one of PEEL'S lion- 
hearts, he first heard a shot fired in anger in the Crimea, and won 
the admiration of all his comrades, not merely by his constant and 
cheerful performance of his regular duties, but by the almost 
unparalleled act of heroism by which he saved the life of a fellow- 
sailor, and earned for himself three severe wounds and the Victoria 
Cross. And his sea knowledge, his power of handling his ship under 



the severest stress of weather, his masterly disposition of a fl-et, 
were always of the kind that are exercised only by the few sailors 
who combine with a love of their profession and a mastery of all its 
details, undaunted courage, prompt resolution, and an instinctive 
grip of every situation in which they find themselves. 

THE Admiral has never been married. He passed safely, if not 
entirely unscathed, from a youth which, if rumour may be trusted, 
had its gay and dashing complications, through a not unsusceptible 
middle age, and to into the bachelor bliss of his veteransbip. He 
did, 1 be'ieve, make one proposal of marriage, but his language in 
the excitement of this unusual moment was so violent that the lady, 
naturally of a timid disposition, having summoned up all the courage 
she could command, shuddered out a hasty "No," and fled in terror from 
the room. The Admiral looked upon the incident as a warning, and 
never repeated the experiment. But he bore no malice, and in time 
grew to treat the matter as one for jocular allusion, speaking of it as 
"perhaps the one occasion, Sir, in a long and stormy career, when a 
woman, yes, a woman, by the immortal Jingo, showed herself wiser, 
ten thousand ever lasting million times wiser, than this old hulk 
here ; may his one-horse- power engines bunt into blue blazes if ever 
he gives another woman a chance." The decision was a wise one : 
the Admiral was not made for matrimony, and no doubt he was 
happier living, as he did, at Rodney Lodge, not far from the New 
Forest, under the care of his two admiring maiden sisters, than he 
would have been with a wife t > check his outgoings and keep watch 
over his incoming*. 

Sucii, then, was and is Admiral THUNDER. His two sisters, " the 
girls," as he calls them, mere chits of sixty and sixty-two, keep 
house for him, admire him, recite his exploits, disregard his furious 
explosions, and coddle and cosset him to his heart's content whenever 
he is seized with one of those colds which, according to the Admiral, 
are the sure heralds of the galloping consumption that is 
eventually to bring him to his grave. For the Admiral is, if the 
truth must be told, inclined, like many vigorous and healthy men, 
to magnify the extent and the danger of his little ailments. From 
a passing twinge in his chest he has been known to infer a long- 
standing fatty degeneration of the heart ; a red patch on his neck 
convinces him that blood poisoning, in an aggravated form, has set 
in at last ; and a fall from his bicycle, for which simple natural 



FEBRUARY 8, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



71 



causes might be assigned, made it an article of faith with him for a 
whole week that his doom would come through creeping paralysis. 
All these dreadful threatening, it must be said, do not much affect 
the Admiral's cheerful spirits. He is much more likely, in fact, to 
be rendered morose if anyone should dare to hint a doubt as to the 
necessarily fatal issue of his complaint. Yet the Admiral never calls 
in a doctor ; he is attended to by the girls and by his faithful old 
body servant, a former A.B., who now makes himself useful about 
the house in a hundred little ways as only a sailor can. These three, 
between them, have brought the Admiral through every mortal 
illness known to medical science. 



KNOWING my old friend's peculiarities I was not much alarmed, 
therefore, when I received from him a letter in which he informed 
me tint what he had long expected had now come about, that 
phthisis in its most acute form had attacked him, that he had a 
racking, hacking cough calculated by its own unaided efforts to sweep 
away a whole ship's company, that death, which he did not in the 
least fear, had come within easy signalling distance, and that if I 
wanted to see him again alive I was to come as soon as possible. I 
concluded, as was indeed the case, that the Admiral had a bad cold, 
and that, being confined to the house, he would be glad of a slight 
change of companionship. So I packed my bag and shortly found 
myself at Rodney Lodge. The girls received me in the morning 
room. "We are glad you have come," said Miss ELSPETH, the^ elder, 
" for the Admiral has been so looking for you. We do not anticipate 
his immediate demise, but there is great danger, very great danger." 
"Shall I go to him at once?" I asked. "Perhaps that would be 
best," said Miss AGNES. " He is in his study ; it is a warmer room 
than his bedroom, and being on the ground-floor we can more 
quickly and easily attend to his wants. But, I fear, you will find 
him sadly changed." As I approached the study I became conscious 
that, in voice at any rate, and in fury, the Admiral was still his old 
self. It was booming through the door and along the passage like a 
broadside from a three-decker. " May heaven forgive me," he was 
roaring, "if that is not the most astounding, immoral, and incom- 
parable act of double- distilled folly that even you, abandoned worm 
as you are, have ever committed in the course of your misspent 
life. Why, you hoary, old Japanese mask, you, I told you not more 
than an hour ago an hour? it wasn't half-an-hour by all the 

immortal powers " At this point I entered the room. The 

Admiral, who was sitting in his armchair, a rug wrapped round his 
knees, a thick woollen comforter round his throat, and a cloth cap on 
his head, never paused for a moment in the torrent that he was 
pouring on the imperturbable head of bis servant. "Here," he 
continued, " is a friend who will bear witness to what I say. This 
man, Sir, has the effrontery, I can call it nothing else, by gad, he 
has the unparalleled effrontery to bring me my white wine whey 
now, when he knows that I cannot by any possible concatenation of 
circumstances want it for another hour. Why, curse you, you 're 
grinning." (AMOS had, it must be admitted, winked at me.) " I '11 

break every- " Bat what the Admiral would have threatened 

must remain a subject for conjecture, for at this point a violent fit of 
sneezing came upon him, and when he recovered from it his anger 
had vanished like a summer cloud, and he not only greeted me 
warmly, but accepted a dry handkerchief from the hands of the 
attentive AMOS and took his white wine whey without another 
murmr as to its premature appearance. He then assured me that 
his will was made, all his affairs were in order, death might be 
expected at any moment, and he hoped I should be able to stay for 
at least a week. Personally he would have preferred a month, but 
he couldn't expect that from me. 



IN two days he was as right as a trivet. On the third day he came 
up to town with me, gave me a first-rate dinner at his club, and 
visited Trilby afterwards. " By the Lord Harry, Sir," he said, as 
we came out, " I could hardly contain myself from springing on to 
the stage and throttliag that greasy, dirty, swab-faced villain, 
Svengali. The man tainted the air, Sir, he poisoned it by bis foul 
presence. May I be fed for ever on bilge-water if he oughtn't to 
have a thousand dozen." Here he stopped suddenly in his walk. 
44 What 's up, Admiral ? " I asked. " A pain, Sir, a red-hot demon 
of pain in my leg. I know what it is. 1 have got hip-disease." I 
recommended oysters and stout as the best remedy applicable at the 
moment, and I have reason to believe that it was thoroughly success- 
ful, for I met the old fellow yesterday walking along Piccadilly at 
the rate of about five miles to the hour. 



A Chevalieresque Conundrum. 

Coster Sill (to 'Arriet). I si I When is your young man like a fish 
out of water ? 

'Arriet. Oh, g'long I Give 't up. 
Coster Sill. Why, when 'e 's a witin' round the corner. 

[Short encounter, and exeunt severally. 




THIS TREACHEROUS WEATHER! 

Jones and Robinson are so muffled up they can't utter a sound, and 

have to make signs. 

Jones. "WILL YOU LUNCH "WITH MB TO-DAY?" 
Robinson "AT WHAT O'CLOCK? Two?" 
Jones. "YES.' Robinson. "ALL EIGHT." [Exeunt. 



"REMEMBER!" A JACOBITE CA.ROL. 

(Sung to a Well-knoivn Air, January 30.) 

REMEMBER, remember, each scatterbrain member 

Of Leagues for Legitimist rot, 
That now is the seasou for amateur treason 

And playing at piffle and plot ! 

At three in the morning, the powers- that-be scorning, 

Turn up at Whitehall in full force, 
And there with doffed hat you must worship the statue, 

And pay your respects to his horse. 

With fx ours ions, alarums, bring lilies and arums 

For brutal police to remove; 
And, for this year's display, lick the record with Qaelio 

Inscriptions, your ardour to prove. 

Then, Jacobites, sally from out the Thames Valley 

By sixes and sevens to the Tryst ; 
White cockaders. stand ready I St. Germain's be steady ! 

With danger the cause is well spiced I 

For if you 're top bold, Sirs, you '11 doubtless catch cold, Sirs, 

And people will laugh at your pranks, 
And at self-advertising and STTJABT uprising, 

And freaks of our latterday cranks. 

King CHARLIE THE SECOND, we 're sure, would have reckoned 

These trioks as a comedy rare ; 
Nor will Punch to-day smile less at humours so guileless, 

Shown off in Trafalgar Square 1 

SENTIMENT BY OUE IRREPRESSIBLE JOKER (to Mr. Cook, the new 
Editor of the " Daily News "). May you be a Top Soyer I 



72 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 8, 1896. 



THE DUTCHMAN'S WEE DOG. (TRANSVAAL VERSION.) 



President (with a wink) pipes : 

OH vhere, und oh vhere, is dat leetel 

wee dog, 

Oh, vhere, oh vhere can he he ? 
Hit his tail out short, und his ears 

cut long, 
Oh vhere, oh vhere is he ? 

He came, und he harked, and he 

licked mine hig boots, 
Oh vhere, oh vhere can he be ? 
I fear dat I gif him a sort of a 

shnub. 

Has he fled back to G er-ma-nie P 
Oh vhere, &o. 

He come und I fancy he vanted to 

sthop, 

For ours is a bootifnl air ; 
Bat de Portngee stiff at de door of 

his shop, 

Said he vasn't vant Teuton tykes 
dere ! 

Oh'vhere, &3. 

Den I tink dat I sea dat lestel wee 

dog. 
Drop his tail 'twixt his legs mit 

a vince ; 
Und he flew vat you call to de 

midst of next veek, 
Und I 'ye not heard von yap from 
him f-ince 1 

Oh vhere, &o. 

Sausage is goot, " Small Germans" 

is Root, 

Oh vhere, oh vhere can he be P 
Dey makes dem of horse, und dey 

makes dem of dog, 
I hope dey not make dem of he ! 
Oh vhere, &o. 




I dink dat he like der Pretoria town 

Or even goot old Amsterdam 1 
But I fear he is made into beef or 

to pork, 

Unless he is chicken und ham! 
Oh vhere, &c. 

Yet, perhaps all is veil mit dat 

Teuton wee dog, 
"Who at Berlin lays low, und 

keeps dark; 
Perhaps in his kennel dey 've 

chained him safe up, 
But vat haf dey done mit his 
barkf 

Oh vhere, &o. 

MORAL (adorning a tail). 

Then a leetle stray dog come und 

vaggle his tail, 
I guess as he vishes far prog. 
I von't vistle him back, bat I vould 

like to know 

Vat's become of dat wee German 
dog 

Oh vhere, oh vhere is dat leetle dog 

gone, 

Oh yhere, oh vhere can he be ? 
Mit his ears hanging down und hi* 

tail 'twixt his legs, 
Oh vhere, oh vhere is he ? 



STRANGE MISAPPREHENSION COR- 
RECTED. The Moor, not the Boer, 
ii bringing Mr. CECIL RHODES to 
England. _ 



PREJUDICE. A i Ger- 
man Company occupies St. George's 
Hall. We should have preferred a 
German-Reed equivalent. 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. (For Ladies only ) 

DEAREST ETHELINDA, It was with trembling Trilbys (we never 
speak of vulgar feet now) that I was ushered into the dressing-room 
oi'iMiss GOOSIE GANDER, the charming young cantatriee (she pleads 
to eighteen years^ of the Mansion House Theatre of Varieties. I was 

soon chez mot, when GOOSIE (she 
begged me to be familiar as 
soon as I had introduced my- 
t elf) asked me to take a chair, 
and join her in a " Tom Cat" 
(a mixture of gin and brandy), 
and a cigarette. Her courtesy 
gave me time to look round 
this dainty little den of refined 
dissipation. The furniture was 
what I would style rococo, and 
the pictures were mainly por- 
traits of my hostess from fa- 
vourite weekly papers, fastened 
to the nnromantiG wall-paper 
with hair-pins. Of course I 
noted, amid the abandon of dis- 
carded chevelure and necessary 
cosmetiques, quite a little pile of 
correspondence many of the 
letters with corontts on the envelopes flanked by bouquets of orchids 
and roses, and sundry little morocco cases, which, were I in ever- 
beautiful Paris, I should suggest contained Its bijoux de la reine. 
I observed, too, that the old cheval mirror was severely cracked in 
several places (could it have been by reason of GOOSIE' s lightning 
glances r Quien sabe f as they say in Caba), and that my hostess's 
favourite face- powder was Folle-Farine, the delicate violet requisite 
just evolved from the laboratory of TARTINE & Co. of Bond Street. 

GOOSIE, happily for fearsome Me, opened the ball, "How," she 
asked, with her winsome "Whitechapel accent, which I will not 
attempt to reproduce, " do you like my tog? They're up to snuff 
I take it." I replied that her garments, though, perhaps, deficient 
in warmth, were quite capable of carrying several pounds of crushed 
tobacco. " Now don't get on that lay," she snorted, with a piercing 




flash from her great emerald eyes. " Don't try spoof with me." I 
earnestly disclaimed any attempt to indulge in a sport which I had 
heard of as taut soit peu chic. GOOSIE smiled languidly, the sort of 
risible separation of two red lips, which the favourite of the SULTAN 
might give when the Commander of the Faithful declares his 
ignorance of European politics. ' ' How do you like your profession ? " 
I asked, wanting to mak e copy. ' ' Oh, blow theprof ession," she answered, 
lightly sending the smoke of the exquisite Dabectobocco through her 
gazelle-like nostrils. " Do you not like your career ? " I inquired, 
anxiously. "I'd far sooner be mangling," she answered, taking a 
drink of "Tom Cat " "Hearts?" I interrogated roguishly. "No 
washing, you stupid," she replied, with a chuckle ben trovato; " you 
seem to be a bit balmy on the crumpet." " I never eat the delicacy," 
I responded. " I represent the staff of social life, the Press." 

GOOSIE raised herself from the azure velvet cushion on which she 
was rfpDsing. " Look here," she ejaculated. " if you imagine I care 
one and ninepenee three- farthings for the Press, you're jolly well 
mistaken. I can cut my capers, sing my songs, and do my patter to 
the tune of a hundred quid a week, and do you think /mind what 
some starving bloke with thirty bob salary says about me P Not 
much. I 'm a lady, and the managers know it.'' "I'm sure I did 
not wish to excite so talented an artiste^' I cried, repentantly ; " but 
I notice that you always advertise favourable newsnaper criticism." 
"Oh! that's my agent' 
stone at the mirror '_ 
sniffer after black and white.. 

At this moment an elderly female, who might have been an arch- 
deacon's sister, appeared, and exclaimed, " Hurrv upl You're 
called, GOOSIE, dear." " Oh I bother ! " cried la belle chanteuse, 
flinging the end of her cigarette into the wa*r-jug. " What do I 
start with?" "' The Flatcatcher and the Bird?" replied the duenna, 
standing ready with a hare's foot veritable pied de lievre 
anointed with some delicate pink bloom. "Dead cats to the con- 
ductor I " said GOOSIE, pettishly. " I told him that I wanted to try 
' Tripe and Onions d la mode,' and my brother and his pals are in 
the gallery ready to give a friendly lead." So saying, fhe disap- 
peared, and so did I, much impressed with the nonchalance of this 
music-hall humming-bird. Try treacle and rum (BOOMERANG'S 
best), beaten up with new-laid eggs, for your cold. 

Ever, dear, Your loving cousin, KADJ. 



FEBRUARY 15, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 




DEGENERACY. 

"SHURB AN TOUR HONOUR, IT'S THINGS AS WAS MIGHTY DIF- 
FRUNT IN THE OULD DAYS WHEN THE GlNTHRY SB'S A CUMMIN* TO 
THE PARTIES I 'Trs AS MUCH AS THREE POUND I 'D BE TAKIN' OF 
A NIGHT ; BUT NOW WHY, DIVIL A BIT BEYANT A FEW COPPERS 
EVER I SEES AT AIL 1 MlND YOU, THIS EVENIN* I PUTS A DECOY 
HALF-CROWN ON THE PLATE MYSELF, AND BEDAD IF THEY DIDN'T 
TAKE IT OV ME 1 BUT WAIT I 5 LL DO THEM THE NEXT TIME, FOB 
BEGOBKA I 'LL HAVE IT GLUED TO THE PLAT* 1 " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

ON MAD DOGS. 

I GATHER from the usual sources of information that we are now 
in the midst of an epidemic of terror inspired by mad dogs. There 
has been a leading article in the Times, and the great army of letter- 
writers, each with his own special tale of hoiror, and his own patent 
remedy, has invaded the solemn columns of the daily Press. " One 
who Loves his Fellow-Men " hag been joined in a muzzling crusade by 
"Prevention is Better than Cure," and "A Dog-Lover of Long 
Standing " has demanded in tones of menace that members of the 
tail-wagging fraternity shall be either confined constantly within 
their kennels, or shot or bludgeoned at eight if they venture to 
stray abroad in pursuit of thcsa innocent but seemingly important 
investigations that form so large a part in the life of a dog. County 
Councils have taken action. The sages who control the affairs of 
London, having declined to impose a covering on their own baldness, 
have decided, by way of compensation, that the heads of all dogs in 
their enlightened jurisdiction shall be confined in cages; and dull 
men in every part of England, who have hitherto been content to 
grumble at the rates, acd to pay their butchers' bills with decent 
regularity, are now swelling proudly with the new-born inspiration 
of a muzzling mission. 

" THIS is a dreadful business," said my friend BROADBEAM to me 
the other day, in a tone of the deepest gloom, " a dreadful business. 
I don't know why the Government delay to take action." 

" Good Heavens," said I, for I had not yet seen my evening papers, 
and I thought that possibly fome new and totally unexpected crisis 
had arisen for the benefit of Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN and the music-halls. 
" Good Heavens! what has happened ? Has Venezuela broken loose 
again and burnt Mr. GEOEGE CUBZON and Sir ELLIS ASHMEAD- 
BARTLETT in effigy ? Or has President KHUGER demanded the head 
of Mr. CECIL RHODES on a charger ? Do not keep me in suspense, 



BROADBEAM ; tell me what has happened, for I love my country, and 
wish to know the worst." 

" "What I " asked BROADBEAM, his whole being- shaking like a 
restive blano-mange with suppressed fear; ""do you mean to say you 
baven't seen all the articles in the papers about rabies? Why 
the whole place is full of mad dogs, and we shall all be bitten in our 
beds " BB.OADBEAM, I should explain, has a certain fondness for 
expressing himself melodramatically, but not always with strict 
appropriateness. No doubt he had read somewhere about people 
being murdered in their bede. 

I TBIED to soothe my unfortunate friend, but the effort, though 
well meant, was a wretched failure. He refused to be comforted, 
and went off in a hansom. Being a nervous man, he is not, as a 
rule, addicted to hansoms; but, in his present state of terror, the 
word " growler" was too fearfully suggestive, and the comfortable 
cnstomaiy four-wheeler was abandoned. I have reason to believe 
that the letter signed "A Conservative, but a Patriot," which 
appeared in a morning paper shortly afterwards, was from BROAD- 
BEAM'S indignant pen. The writer, it will be remembered, declared, 
with a fine sarcasm, that Lord SALISBURY might possibly manage to 
spare a moment or two from the miseries of the Armenians for the 
Bufferings of the English people at home. What was the object of 
writing despatches to the SULTAN when law-abiding Englishmen 
were allowed to be made the victims of thousands of mad and prowl- 
ing- dogs ? Had not the SULTAN a crushing retort ready to his hand ? 
"This question," the writer concluded, "obliterates all distinctions 
of party. I have been a loyal supporter of the present Government, 
but there are necessary limits even to party-loyalty, and, in my 
cae, these limits have been reached." 



HAVING digested this portentous declaration, I turned to the 
sixty-ninth letter of "A Citizen of the World" by OLIVER GOLD- 
SMITH. It was entitled " The Fear of Mad Dogs Ridiculed," and 
gives a humorous account of the epidemic terror through which the 
population of these islands was passing some hundred and thirty 
years ago. "A dread of mad dogs," he says, "is the epidemic 
terror which now prevails; and the whole nation is at present 
actually groaning under the malignity of its influence^ The people 
sally from their houses with that circumspection which is prudent in 
such as expect a mad dog at every turning. The physician publishes 
his prescription, the beadle prepares his halter, and a few of unusual 
bravery arm themselves with boots and buff gloves, in order to face 
the enemy if he should offer to attack them. In short, the whole 
people stand bravely upon their defence, and seem, by their present 
spirit, to show a resolution of not being tamely bit by mad dogs any 
longer. . . . The terror at first feebly enters with a disregarded 
story of a little dog, that had gone through a neighbouring village, 
that was thought to be mad by several who had seen him. The next 
account comes that a mastiff ran through a certain town, and had 
bit five geese, which immediately ran mad, foamed at the bill, and 
died in great agonies soon after. . . . This relation only prepares 
the way for another still more hideous, as how the master of a family, 
with seven small children, were all bit by a mad lap-dog ; and how 
the poor father first perceived the infection by calling for a draught 
of water, when he saw the lap-dog swimming in the cup. . . . My 
landlady, a good-natured woman, but a little credulous, waked me 
some mornings ago before the usual hour with horror and astonish- 
ment in her looks. ... A mad dog down in the country, she assured me, 
had bit a farmer, who, soon becoming mad, ran into his own yard 
and bit a fine brindled cow ; the cow quickly became as mad as the 
man, began to foam at the mouth, and raising herself up walked 
about on her hind legs, sometimes barking like a dog, and sometimes 
attempting to talk like the farmer. Upon examining the grounds of 
this story, I found my landlady had it from one neighbour, who had 
it from another neighbour, who had it from very good authority." 

WITH all our statistics, our sanitary inspectors, our County 
Councils, and our wire muzzlings. I believe we are every whit as 
foolish, as credulous, as liable to blind panic as were our forefathers 
in GOLDSMITH'S day. In any case, I am certain that of all possible 
remedies the cage-muzzle is the most absurd, in that it def eats^ its 
object, and is admirably calculated to promote the disease against 
which it is to guard us. But I have my consolations. In another 
month or two the country gentlemen of England will be sending up 
deputations, and announcing in the public prints that they are 
resolved to vote against a Government which has basely allowed dogs 
to be muzzled. 

THEATRICAL ON DIT. In consequence of the success of The Sign 
of the Cross, the temporary manager of the Lyric, following the 
example of Mr. William Stumps, as recorded in Pickuick. has now 
adopted the following signature, " WILSON BABRETT : HIS MARK X." 
W. B. may have been a long time in " making his mark," but he has 
done it at last. 



VOL. ex, 



TI 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 




"MY CAREER IS ONLY BEGINNING!" 

(See Report of Mr. Rhodes' 's brief speech before leaving South Africa, Jan. 1896.) 
Per/owner (loq.}. "THINK I WILL POSTPONE APPEARANCE IN PUBLIC AND GO BACK AGAIN." 
" Mr. RHODES will immediately return to South Africa. . . . Curiosity will probably be whetted rather than allayed by this intimation." Times'Feb. 8. 



FKBBUABY 15, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



75 




UNCERTAIN-VERY. 



Sportsman (having been knocked over by Breaker on boiling four-year-old), " Hi 1 YOU FOOL I 
Horse-breaker. "THAT'S JUST WHAT I SKZ TO THE COLT, SIB!" 



WHEBE THE DEUCE ARK YOU GOING J " 



THE JOKING OAK. 

(A Dramatic Poem for recitation.) 

" PAUSE, "Woodman, pause ! My fate is 
known. 

Thy cruel axe I see. 
Li st since you've marked me for your own 

To some re-marks from me." 

The Woodman said, in tone abrupt, 
" A tree that speaks should be " 

But here the Oak did interrupt, 
"No, I'm not BEEBBOHM TREE. 

" Too feeble for a lark I grow 

To perch on after dark. 
My bite you do not dread, although 

You do care for my bark." 

The Woodman ciies, in'much surprise, 

" The like I never knew I 
Why, if I trust my ears and eyes. 

The Oak that spoke was Yew ! " 

41 'Twas I indeed." the Oak replied. 

" Your ears did not deceive. 
My leaves are sparse, my fibre 's dried. 

Could not you me re-leave ? " 

" That 's not my trade," the Woodman said , 

"You queer cuss of a quercus. 
Re-Heving < fficer ! Not paid 

Am I by Parish Work'us. 

" With critic's eye Ijwill not meet 
Your leaves, or green, or brown ; 



As thrift high salaries must treat, 
83 I must cut you down." 

To him the Oak, " Old friends ne'er cut. 

Be that the woodman's maxim. 
I could a tale unfold." " Tut. tut ! " 

The Woodman paused, " I '11 ax him. 

" How is it you 're a Talking Oak P 

Just answer that, old chap." 
The Oak replied, " Excuse the joke, 

I 'm full of verbum sap." 

The Woodman staggered. Sad to tell, 
He knew but one retort, 




A cutting one ! .... The old tree fell. 

One blow had out him short. 
The Woodman by the fall was crush' d 

As by a load of bricks ! 
Both Joking Oak and Woodman 1 hush'd I 

They 've gone across the Styx. 

"HOW ART THOU TRANSLATED I" 
SIB, In a letter, written in French to the 
Times last week, read aloud to me by a 
friend who flatters himself as much on the 
correctness of his accent as I pride myself on 
my comprehension of the language when 
pronounced in my hearing by an educated 
Parisian, I noticed the words"Pafot Moral." 
A year and a half, I regret to say, has elapsed 
since last I visited the gay city, and then 
the entertainment at the Palais Royal was, 
as ever, broadly farcical, and, as English 
ladies say, " Oh so French, you know ! Is 
it possible that our gay old " Palais Royal," 
the home of Le plus heureux des trots^ and 
many other irresistibly funny improbabilities, 
has been converted into a "Palais Moral" P 
Or is there a Palais Moral set up in opposi- 
tion to the Palais Royal f 

Yours, " UN Qui SAIT." 
fEeferring to the letter, we find that the expres- 
sion used was the "palais moral." Epdrons que 
notre " wn qui sait " await toujoun " k palats 
fin." ED.] ________ 

LABGELY PATBONISED BY SPOBTING HEADS 
NOW. The Spring Handi-caps. 



76 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 




MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT, 
FITTED WITH BINOCULAR GLASSES FOB THE BENEFIT OF THOSB 
SITTING BEHIND ITS WEARER. 



SOMEBODY'S LETTER. 

SCENE A Study. Greatly Esteemed Statesman discovered hanging 

up a considerably damaged hat and a little used shillelagh. 
Greatly Esteemed Statesman (returning to his desk, upon which 
rests an all but completed letter). There 1 Now that I have put back 
my emblems of service and authority, I can resume my literary 
studies. How delightful it is to he once again amongst my books ! 
No longer provoked and worried I No longer almost induced to give 
a severely irritating opponent a good hard knock ! No longer de- 
nounced by half the Press of my native country, and contemptuously 
bullied by the remainder. Able at last to sit down in an easy-chair, 
with the comforting dignity of a scholar and a gentleman. "Why I 
do believe that I shall be able to drink a cup ol tea in peace I No 
more shoutings and yellings, and all sorts of hideous interruptions I 
I retire from the toil and tumult and heartburning of political con- 
test, to resume the peaceful pleasure of justly-appreciated author- 
ship. But let me read, for the last time, my letter, to see if I have 
forgotten anything I wish to be remembered. (Peruses his epistle.) 
Yes, I give in my resignation plainly enough I But what an 
omission! (Writes, and then reads.) "I need not tell you with 
what regret I make this announcement." No, I needn't ! 

[Greatly Esteemed Statesman smiles as the scene closes in upon 
- a tableau of intense felicity. 

"GOING TWO BETTER!" 

'GooD news for those whom business, or pleasure, or a combination 
of both, takes to France per L. C. and D. night-boats. The Dover 
having satisfactorily passed her examination on the Clyde (the 
exam is a pretty stiff one), is to be followed by The Calais, and 
these two will supersede the Continental travellers' old friends, The 
Foam and The Wave. What need now of any Channel Tunnel, 
when no passenger need fear sea-sickness ; for how can there be any 
mal-de-mer in the absence of Wave and Foam f They are to travel 
at the rate of " eighteen knots per hour," which is " three knots in 
excess of old rate." Consequently the sooner will the trajet be 
over. But will this gain give any extra time for a petit souper, en 
route, at th'e celebrated Calais buffet of the Gare Maritime ? May 
this be so, since, at that "very witching time of night," there is 
nothing so sustaining to the vacuus viator as the comforting 
bouillon, served just hot enough, and not too hot, for immediate 
consumption, accompanied by a glass of "the generous," at one 
franc the half bottle. To be compelled to travel to Paris as "an 
empty " is poor fun, false economy, and a bad start, whether for 
pleasure or business. ' 

MISTAKEN IDENTITY. "During bis visit fo Constantinople, Mr. 
HEBBEET GLADSTONE has been persistently followed by five of the 
SULTAN'S spies." 



MILD MCCARTHY. 

A LAY OF A LOST LEADER. 

AIR ' ' Ewniswrfhy. " 
YE may thravel over Europe, yes, and the U-nited States, 
Ye may meet wid many leaders wid sound hearts and level pates, 
But the pride of snug tea-parties and the glory of his mates, 

Was " dear JUSTIN," mild, magnanimous MCCARTHY. 
It was early he tuk breakfast, it was late he wint to bed, 
He never ceased his labours hard or leastway so 'twas said 
And the praise of patriotism was a laurel for his head, 
And its light was like a nimbus round MCCARTHY. 

Chorus : 

Home Rule he was a tower in, 
Debate he was a power in, 
The pride of Oireland's pathriotic Parthy. 
When shillelaghs all went whacking, 
And the skulls of Pats were cracking, 
The fairest chance of peace was in MCCARTHY. 
But in spite of JUSTIN'S gintleness, some disperate rows arose, 
MCCARTHY did Ms best for to conciliate the foes ; 
But stick would clash wid cudgel, yes and fist encounter nose, 

It was that which played the mischief wid MCCARTHY. 
For raspy REDMOND did his best to knock TIM HEALY down, 
They all fought wid one another, 'stead o' foightin' 'gin the Crown, 
And DILLON, SEXTON, DAVJTT all rare warriors of renown 
Seemed danoin' like mad divils round MCCARTHY. 

Chorus .Home Rule he was a tower in, &o. 

Now, JUSTIN was a gentle bhoy, who loved romance and rhymes, 

And likeways wished to finish off a History of his Times, 

Which had been exceeding rough ones, amidst quarrels, rows, and 

crimes 

So he gave up tryin' to lead the Oirish Parthy. 
Says MCCARTHY, " Thanks to Providence, my task at last is done! 
1 '11 git back to my books again, and have some peace and fun I " 
But if they wish their sphlit-up Parthies welded into one, 
They'll scarce find a fitter leader than MCCARTHY 1 

Chorus : 

Home Rule he still may tower in, 
Parliament be a power in ; 

Bat, faix ! Auld Oireland's shamrock : sporting Parthy, 
When the sticks again are whacking, 
And the skulls once more are cracking, 
May miss dear, mild, magnanimous MCCARTHY 1 

THE NEW SPORT OF "THANKFULLY RECEIVED." 

Eules of the Game. 

1. ANY number of players can take part in this pastime. 

2. The players shall consist of a limited number of conductors and 
any amount of distinguished contributors. 

3. When all is ready to begin, the conductor writes out a number 
of questions of a miscellaneous character, such as " What is your 
opinion upon street music ? " " Why do you or do you not patronise 
the Stores ? " or " What are your favourite books, and why do you 
prefer them P " 

4. The conductor then distributes the written questions amongst 
the distinguished contributors, and waits for the answers, which, 
when received, count as " copy." 

5. If the conductor gets a reply to some such question as Should 
the clergy visit theatres ? " from the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, he 
scores one on account of the quality of the copy. 

6. Should a question remain unanswered by a player, the conducto: 
passes it on to the most likely distinguished contributor, and the 
non-answerer becomes a non-contributor, and ceases to have an 
interest in the game. 

7. Should a distinguished contributor require payment for 1 
answer, considering it copy, the conductor withdraws the questio 
and sends it to someone of the non-contributor's profession and 
standing unlikely to demand remuneration. When the conductor 
receives a gratuitous reply he scores again. 

8. When the conductor uses a contributor to obtain answers tx 
series of questions (called an "interview") from a second player, 
then the chosen contributor may ask to divide the profits ot 1 
interview with the conductor. Should the chosen contribute! 
succeed in Ms application he marks one, but the second player, 
however distinguished, having served his purpose in providing tl 
materials of the interview, does not count. _ 

9. A conductor who sends out scores of circulars without eliciting 
a reply is said to " miss his tip," and is consequently " put out. 

10. The winner of the game is he who obtains the best copy at t 
least cost, after allowing higher marks to quantity than to quality. 



FEBRUARY 15, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



77 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE COMPASSIONATE PUNTER TO 
THE LUCK-FORSAKEN DAMSEL. 

'TWAS all my fault, I know you '11 

say 

I led your innocence astray 
At Epsom, when I said I 'd lay 
Long odds against Sir Visto. 
And so to make it real fun 
I ask'd " In fivers ? " You cried 

"Done!" 
And when I paid you what you 'd 

won, 
Declared I was " Mephisto ! " 

To-day how chang'd you seem 

to be, 

No longer merry, fancy free, 
Only too glad a race to see, 
Just to enjoy an outing. 
For now you scan with eager eyes 
The "Latest Betting" wondrous 

wise 
You know when this or that horse 

" tries," 

And love the " bookies" shout- 
ing. 

There was a time not long ago 
When at a lawn or paddock show, 
In chiffon, frill and furbelow, 

Than you none could be smarter. 
No more I note that dainty grace, 
That symphony in silk and lace ; 




H. I, M. the Sultan (reading to himself from his presentation copy of 
Mr. William Watson's sonnets) 

" 'THOU WITH THE BBIGHTBST OF HELL'S AUREOLES 
DOST SHINE SUPREME, INCOMPARABLY CROWNED 
IMMORTALLY, BEYOND ALL MORTALS, DAMNED I ' 

"WELL, I'M 1 I MEAN, BISMILLAH!" 



You.' ve lost your pride in Fashion' s 

race, 
And rarely face the starter. 

Is it too late to bid you leave 
The course that ever must deceive P 
Your losses you may yet retrieve 

And make up all your misses. 
I ' ve such a tip ! a splendid thing ! 
A match that must good fortune 

bring ! 
Say, will you try another ring, 

And bet with me in kisses ? 



"Nursery Erudition" in a 
Nutshell. 

["ALFRED'S name, and the tales 
that clustered round it, formed the 
most enthralling pages of nursery 
erudition." Mr. Auttin's Preface to 
"England's Darling.''] 

SING a song of ALFRED I 

Rhymester's all awry. 
"England's Darling" erst was 
praised 

By Poet Laureate PTE. 
Deeming the course was open, 

AUSTIN the same did sing, 
Was not that a shocking fate 

For the great Saxon King ? 



THE REAL " INTOLERABLE 
STRAIN." Street organs. 



(To befitted up by those "in the know.") 

WORD of preface. New feature. Brevity order of the day. Light 
touch. Light come. Light go. Give outline. Shading superfluous. 
Last idea of the artists very clever. " Why dot your i's ? " " Why 
cross your t's f " Leave something to the imagination. Do it now 
instead of later. Saving at any rate in legacy duty. 



HUNTING story. A man angry. Another man angry too. Language. 
Took the dogs home. " Congratulations." Office of telegram's 
origin Berlin. 

LEAP Year. Women proposing everywhere. Man never knows 
when he may lose singularity. One fellow reads first column daily. 
Says he must keep his eye on " the marriages." If he didn't, might 
miss his own wedding. 

FEW points. He heard it at the Club. Fan found in the private 
box. With the menu. But she needn't hava lost her temper. For 
it wasn't the fault of the spaniel. They wondered at the Stock 
Exchange. Not that it affected the conservatory. For he was 
wearing a blue domino. And she threw up the part at the last 
moment. However, it kept the congregation waiting. The pew- 
opener suggested a key. But it didn't matter much, as the mail- 
boat was not running. So she said she preferred Olympia. Which 
certainly astonished her mother. Hitherto a most indulgent parent. 
But what can be done when the coachman flatly refuses to bring out 
the horses '( It certainly was frosty weather, and the bracelet had 
gone to be mended. But that needn't have put off the lecture. For, 
after all, the Royal Institution is the Royal Institution. Especially 
when diamonds are trumps three times running. So they preferred 
to stay at Nice instead of Monte Carlo. At the suggestion of the 
curate. At least, that was the tale told by the Squire at the hunting 
breakfast. But it was injudicious to talk about their meeting at 
Niagara. You can skate on thin ice anywhere. So said the Duke, 
when they aked his Grace's opinion. But they shouldn't have 
turned out the guard, tor in spite of his riband he wasn't a field 
officer. And it was thoughtless at four o'clock in the morning. So 
they observed at the War Office. And they ought to know. Not 
that it wasn't annoying after they had ordered the table d'hote 
luncheon. Extenuating circumstances was the verdict. But they 
are all wondering how it will end. For the dog-cart was smashed to 
atoms, and no one could find the lost certificate. 

AND now I have referred to all the stories " going the rounds." At 
least, so says the Judge of the High Court. 

FEMA.LE DEFINITION OF LEAP YEAK. Miss Understood. 



THE INFANT REFORMED. 

(A Dialogue Dedicated, with Mr. Punch's Compliments, to those wJio 
rely upon Figures. ) 

Compiler of Statistics. Now, my little man, I presume you are 
quite well P 

Child between flve and ten. Yes, tank you ; me bery well. 

Compiler. Never had a day's illness, eh ? 

Child. Never dat me knows of. 

Compiler. That 's right, and have you been told that, taking the 
years 1841 to 1860, the death-rate of children under five years old 
was 71 '2? 

Child. Me ha, and dat between years 1886 to 1890 death-rate 
only 61'9. 

Compiler. Certainly, my dear; you are accurate to a decimal 
point. And can you now tell me what has been the death-rate for 
the same periods for children like yourself, between five and ten ? 

Child. Me thinks 9 '3 and 4'9. Am me right ? 

Compiler. Quite right. You are a very good little boy, indeed ; 
and now tell me, is not this decreise attributable to improved 
sanitary arrangements P 

Child. Bery possible. Me likes the booful green fields and great 
big playgrounds. Me likes 'em bery much, indeed ! 

Compiler. Of course you do I very natural, too ! But don t you 
think it probable that the abstention from alcohol during the later 
period has had something to do with it P 

Child. Yes, yes. Me live longer dan the oder ickle boys and 
girls, 'cos the oder ickle boys and girls were naughty ickle boys and 
girls I 

Compiler. I am glad to hear you say so, although, perhaps, it was 
not entirely their fault. But why do you think the children who 
preceded you were naughty ? 

Child. 'Cos dey all took to drinking I 

Compiler. A most intelligent response I and, to mark my apprecia- 
tion of your replies to my questions, I beg to present you with 
twopence. What will you buy with it ? 

Child. Me will buy nice sweeties. 

Compiler. But you will avoid brandy-balls ? 

Child. Acourse me will. Me buy sugar-stick, not brandy-balls. 
Why me not buy brandy-balls ? 'Cos me am total abstainer I 

[Exeunt severally. 

A LINE FOR LAUREATES. 

MEM. for all future patriotic Odes : 

The old " Path of Empire" now should be its RHODES! 



NEW NAME FOR THE PRESENT AGE. The German Sauce-age 1 



78 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 




ALL IS IN A NAME. 

' WELL, DARLING, YOU HAYS GOT A SWAGGER FROCK ON, TBIS TIME I" 
"IT'S AOT A FROCK, HENRY." "WHY, WHAT is IT, THEN?" 
"THE NEWSPAPERS CALL IT A CREATION OF MADAME ALDEGONDE'S I" 



IN PAINTERS' CORNER, 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1896. 
f" He may become as eminent as he plf ages." 
Hiram Pou-irs. "!/EIGHTON has painted many 
noble pictures, but his life is more noble thiu 
them all." Mr. G. F. 



PROPHET and praise-awarder, both were right ; 
And here to-day, beneath St. Paul's grey 

dome, 

History ODD firms the sculptor'sforecast bright, 
And the great painters tribute. He's at 

home 

Here, with the genial genius, courtly toul, 
And true Art-friend, Sir JOSHUA. Here 

to lie 

Near REYNOLDS is a royal fate, a goal 
At onee fulfilling praise and prophecy. 



A noble course right nobly run, and since 

Noblesse oblige, his manners matched his 

Art. 
Fine painter-skill, the bearing of a prince, 

CRICHTON' s accomplishments, in every part 
His life was of a piece, crowned with a death 

Painful but manfully patient, noble still 1 
Disparagement's malign and peevish breath 

Here may not penetrate, nor venom kill 
The fame which is the fruit of cultured days, 

Ripening despite the canker and the blight 
Of pestilent petty things, in whom all praise 

Save of their nobby-idols, genders spite : 
Great if not quite among the greatest, here 

A noble artist, of a noble life, 
Rests, with a fame that lives, and needs not 
fear 

Detraction, or the hour's ephemeral strife. 



TO A CAUTIOUS STOCKBROKER. 

You recommecd Consols, the one 
Investment absolutely sound; 

Home Rails perhaps I need not shun, 
If nothing better can be found. 

For comfort has more charms than wealth ; 
Let ease with placid calm combine. 

Since sleepless nights the best of health 
Will undermine. 

Consols? Bless me, I can't afford 
To live on one or two per pent. I 

The workhouse then must give me board 
And lodging, free from rates and rent. 

I came I 'm hanged, you 've made me shy 1 
My brightest hopes I half resign. 

What will you think of me if I 
Suggest a mine ? 

You frown. I know what you will say 
That sleepless nights will be my lot, 

That I shall pine and fade away. 
And die a pauper, shall I not r 

To pause before it is too late, 
Though cent, per cent, sounds very fine, 

Or ruin is the certain fate 

Of me and mine. 

1,1s now you 're right, I 'm quite ashamed ; 

To avarice there should be bounds ; 
And yet the sum I have not named, 

I only meant a hundred pounds. 
Now mines are low it teems no sin 

To risk a rise. You won't decline 
To buy ten shares I shook you P in 
The Bunkum Mine. 



THE PROGRESSIVE PHOTOGRAPH. 

(From a Matter-of- Coming-Fact Romance. ) 

"You are greatly changed," said ADOLPHUS 
to his friend, after a pause. ' ' I have not seen 
you for a year. When we last met you were 
the merriest of the merry. What have become 
of your quaint quips your comic cranks P" 

"Gone, all gone," returned HORATIO, 
gloomily. 

"Your company is certainly depreising," 
the other continued. "When we bade each 
other adieu, twelve months since, it was with 
a pleasing jest, and a mirth-compelling anec- 
dote. I remember how you made me laugh at 
the story of SNOOKS' infatuation for photo- 
graphy. He had learned how to reproduce the 
hitherto hidden bones of the living hand." 

" Speak not of SNOOKS," HORATIO muttered, 
in a tone suggest ive of apprehension. ' ' Would 
that I had never met bun." 

"And yet he was a man of intellect. He 
never seemed tired of making experiments." 

" It was that love of investigation that has 
proved my curse," cried the hapless HORATIO. 
" He was not satisfied with merely photo- 
graphing the human frame as he found it in 
the breathing body. He extended his opera- 
tions until now I am completely in his power 1 " 

" I do not understand you I " 

" Who would P " queried the grief-stricken 
victim, wearily; "and yet what I say is true. 
SNOOKS is in the possession of a secret I 
thought safe from all the world. He knows 
what I had hoped had been buried in the 
never-to-be-remembered past." 

"You are more mysterious than ever! 
Pray explain yourself." 

" Jt is the curse of the camera I " 

ADOLPHUS glanced -at his friend uneasily. 
A suspicion had entered his mind. 

"No," said HORATIO, sadly, "I am not 
mad. With the assistance of photography 
SNOOKS has discovered something that fills me 
with fear." There was a pause. Then came 
the explanation in a terror-inspired whisper. 

" He has succeeded it is true after many 
failures in taking a carte of the skeleton in 
the cupboard I " 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 




"JUST A-GOIN' TO BEGIN! 



PROFESSOR S-L-SB-RY (P.P.R.). " NOW, MY SPORTIN' GENTS, 'ERE 'S THE 'ATFIELD PET AND THE BRUMMAGEM 

BRUISER WHO 'LL HAVE 'EM ON WITH EITHER OF 'EM?" 



FEBRUARY 15, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



80NC _OF THE NEW NOVEL- 
READER. 

AIB "Iccmnot sing the old songs" 

I CANNOT read the old books! 

They always bore me so. 
I never read the old books, 

They are so dull and clow. 
DICKEKS and SCOTT are awful rot, 

LYTTON 'a pure fiddlededee. 
I cannot read the old books, 

They give the hump to Me ! 

I cannot read the old books I 

Just think of Rasselas ! 
BIBRELL calls JOHNSON hero, 

/call him an old ass. 
GOLDSMITH and BUBKE I always 
shirk, 

DBYDEN and POPE I flee. 
I cannot read the old books, 

They 're far too " dry " for Me ! 

I cannot read the old books ! 

DICKENS is dreadfully low ; 
I once could laugh o'er Pickwick, 

But that was long: ago. 
I tried a bit of Chuzzlewit 

The other day, to see. 
But I cannot read the old " Boz," 

Sam Wetter sickens Me I 

I cannot read the old books I 

I 'm forced to skip and dodge. 
THACKEBAY 's such a proser, 

And SCOTT 's a fearful stodge. 
Di Vernon is old-fashioned "biz," 

And Becky \ so is she. 
I cannot stand those old " crocks," 

They have no charm for Me ! 

I cannot read the old books I 
They 've neither style nor chic. 

Their men are so provincial, 
Their maids so milky meek. 




DOLLY'S CLASSICS. 

"THE LAOCOON." 



They're not "sincere," and o: 
small beer 

Their chronicles all be. 
I cannot stand their old " spoons,' 

Their bleat just sickens Me 1 

I cannot bear the old books I 
They make me squirm and 

blench. 

They've no dusk touch of Nor- 
way, 
They 've no sharp dash o: 

French. 
Nay, you will miss " analysis." 

With which the Yank's soiree 
I cannot stand the " old gang," 
They've no phil-OB-o-phy! 

I cannot read the old books ! 

You see I 'm up-to-date ! 
My cult is of the new gods, 

Faun-Passion, Fury- Fate. 
The great god Pan to Modern 
Man 

Is chief divinity. 
I cannot bow to old gods, 

They 're fetish frumps to Me ! 

I will not read the old books I 

They 're so unsound on Sex 1 
They grovel to the Grundy-bonds 

That virile readers vex. 
They 're non-erotic, crass, chaotic, 

Art's earliest ABC. 
No. no I /read the New Books. 

They thrill and tickle Me ! 



ON HIS " CUBZONARY " RE- 
MARKS. A propos of Mr. CURZON 
and his burglarious simile, M. 
FRANCIS DE PRESSENSE, Foreign 
Editor of Le Temps, wrote a 
thoroughly Press- sense- ble to the 
Times last Friday. 



FROM THE DIARY OF A LAUREATE. 

HANG it! "Wish some other fellow hadn't written "Rule, 
Britannia" It would come in now admirably. Wonder if any- 
body knows anything more of it than the chorus P Let me see 
how did first verse commence ? 

"When Britain first at Heaven's command 

Arose from out the azure main." 
Capital I just exactly what I was thinking of I bother it I It 's the 
idea! Can't get it out of my head. Happy Thought. I see 
"Britain first " is the keynote. " First " : beginning at the begin- 
ning good, that 's it must make a start somehow. 

" In the beginning when " 

Ahem ! sounds scriptural. Um. Well, why not ? I will. Sappy 
Thought. Develop idea of Britain " in the beginning when," 
what ? Go back a little. What is comprised in the word "Britain " ? 
Island : water sea shore shingle (bravo ! note down " shingle ") 
beach fields woods fastnesses! Whoop! Lovely word " fast- 
nesses." Can't fit it in. Pity! What colour "fastnesses"? Grey! 
Splendid ! I And fields what colour fields ? Depends on time of 
year. Happy Thought. Any time of year will do. Poetry, not for 
any particular season, but for all time. Say " green " for choice. Got 
"Grey fastnesses and green fields." No, no; common-place ; 
and " fastnesses "beautiful word but can't fit it into metre. 

Query Change metre ? No: I'm strung up for this jerky put- 
'em-together-anyhow-chaotic-sort-of-pre-creation-of-world metre. 
Must stick to it. It's original. And what I like is Originality, if 
one can only get it! I've got it; and I'll keep it. "Grey" 
"green" "fast" "nesses." By Jingo I that f g it ! Omit the 
"fast"! Lovely!! Here:- 

" Grey-green nesses." 

Bravo! braviseimo! An inspiration. What are " nesses "? Doesn't 
matter ; if /don't know, nobody else will. Note it down for use when 
wanted. Sure to come in somewhere. Wish I could think of some- 
thing new about the sea I Should like to call it " the azure main," 
but the chap who wrote "Rule, Britannia" did that, hang him! 
Let me sea no, I mean "see" (no levity). What's in the sea? 
Fish. Big fish. Whales! Hooray! Whales! England and 
Whales ! that is " Britain." Oh dear I No, I mustn't joke. I must 



curb my Pegasus I I must use my Pegasus as a cart-horse. Cart. 
Horse! In field. Sea horse in "azure main." (Dash "azure 
main"!) Mariner "ploughs sea." Why not "whale" instead of 
"mariner"? Ploughing the land ? Ploughing the water? Triumph! 
Another line ! 

" And whale-ploughed water." 

Bee-autiful! That will do for to-night. Bring in shingle, valleys, 
and mists to-morrow. Good night ! I do wish that idiot, whoever 
he was, bad never written "Rule, Britannia." Deuced hard on me. 



An Appeal, when in Distress, to my Aunt. 

(By a modest Nephew.) 
SWEET Aunt, I 've lov'd you as I should, 
And never ask'd you for a stiver. 
I 'm in a mess I must confess. 
Will you, as dear old Uncle would, 
Upon my watch advance a " fiver " ? 

A MUSICAL HINT. 

AT St. James's Hall Ballad Concerts the Meistersingers gave 
GORMAN'S "Whene'er I Gaze.' 1 This was announced in the 
papers everywhere. Of course GAZE deserves this publicity. We 
are not " a deniging of it." Bat wouldn't it be fair and square 
towards the other and elder firm of tourists' agents if the same sweet 
warblers were, alternately with this, to give a madrigal entitled, 
" Whene'er I Cook" f We are not aware of the existence of such 
a concerted piece, but surely it might be at once written, composed, 
and performed. Then one verse, as an ensemble, would do justice 
to both these estimable and useful Travelling houses. As thus : 
"Whene'er I Gaze on amounts 

For travels, reduced they be ; 
Whene'er I Cook my accounts 

I'm saving my . *. d. 

This verge is just given gratis, as a mere suggestion, by our own 
Private Laureate not ALFRSDO euro and may be used, applied, 
and developed, by the Meistersinger-in-Chief, for the public benefit, 
and his own, whenever he takes it. 



82 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 




Old Jones. "Yes, MY BOY, THXRS 's WINE FOB YOU, KH I 

WORTH OF IT THK OTHBB DAY." 

Brown. "WHAT A LOT YOTT MUST HAVE CM>T 1" 



I BOUGHT TES POUNDS 



THE PALL OP POGSON. 

FOGSON had been absent for more than a 
year from the meetings of our photographic 
club, and most of us would have borne the loss 
with some fortitude if he had never returned 
at all. It was undeniable that FOGSON took 
better photographs than the rest of us, bat 
this fact did not justify the disparaging and 
offensive criticisms which he used to utter 
about the work of his fellow- members. In 
his capacity as President, he had even had the 
effrontery to bestow the annual gold medal 
upon himself, while declining to award the 
silver and bronze ones "on account of the 
exceedingly low standard attained by the 
exhibitors.' 

So it was not with unmixed sorrow that one 
day we learnt from FOGSCW his intention of 
making a tour round the world. 

"I shall return," he said, "with such a 
collection of pictures as you incompetent 
beginners cannot even imagine." 

Somebody suggested that his luggage would 
be rather heavy, if it was to include all his 
apparatus. 

"Not at all," he replied, triumphantly. 
" I shall take only one detective-camera, spe- 
cially fitted with a film long enough to take 
five hundred pictures. That will be abso- 
lutely all." 

Someone else regretted that space couldn't 
be found for at least one clean collar. But 
FOGSON took no notice of the irreverent sug- 
gestion, and shortly afterwards went away to 
obtain his new "Dokak" from the shop, as 
he was to leave England on the following day. 

We got on very well in his absence. All 
the pictures at our annual exhibition were eo 



good that year that we decided to award 
twenty-four gold medals. Our club has just 
two dozen members, not including Fousoy. 

One evening, about thirteen months later, 
our President suddenly re appeared in our 
midst. We asked if his tour had been suc- 
cessful. "Successful!" he exclaimed. "It 
has been magnificent ! My dear friends, you 
may congratulate me. I have taken such a 
series of photographs as will give me world- 
wide fame. I have undergone the most un- 
heard-of dangers and privations ; I have 
climbed to the most inaccessible parts of the 
earth ; I have been lowered in diver's drtss, 
with my camera, to the bottom of the Pacific ; 
I have photographed a volcano in full eruption 
from the edge of the crater, I " 

We interrupted his eloquence to inquire 
when the results of his journey would be 
visible. 

" Almost at once," he replied. " I sent on 
my ' Dokak' in advance to Messrs. LENS AKD 
HYPO'S, telling them to develop my pictures, 
and to send the prints here. They may arrive 
at any time." 

At this moment a page entered the room 
with a note, which he nanded to FOGSON. 

"Ah, this is from the shop," he said, 
quickly tearing it open : " now we '11 see ... 
why. . . good heavens !" He suddenly became 
deadly pale, and staggered backwards into a 
chair. For a moment we thought that he 
was about to have a fit. 

" Read it ! " he laid, in a faint voice, drop- 
ping the letter to the ground. The secretary 
picked it up, and read aloud as follows : 

" DEAB SIB, Your camera is duly to hand. 
We regret to gay, however, that through an 
oversight doubtless due to the haste with 



which your order had to be executed no roll 
of sensitized film was placed inside it. Thus, 
although the rest of the mechanism is in 
perfect order, there is, of course, no record of 
any of the scenes which you imagined your- 
self to be photographing, as the interior of 

the camera is absolutely empty." 

* * * 

The Presidentship was declared vacant next 
day, and FOG SON has not been heard of since. 



THE PLEA OP PLLGAELIC. 

( The Impecunious Income-tax Payer to the Jingo 

Patriot.) 
" PAT up like a man, and don't grudge it ! " 

That 's grand patriotic advice. 
Sir MICHAEL projecting his Budget, 

No doubt feels exceedingly nice : 
But oh I when I have to make payment 

Of eightpence or more in the pound, 
My wife, running short of new raiment, 

Will not look so nice, I '11 be bound. 
The last three years' average, verily, 

Makes me feel sad and look glum. 
Patriots perorate merrily, 

I pay my tax and am dumb. 
But oh 1 CLEVELAND, KRUGEB, RHODES, 
WILL-I-AM, 

And backers of JAMESON'S raid, 
Can you guess how alarmed at the bill I am, 

Or with what sore effort 'tis paid P 
When one has a limited income, 

A. falling one, thoughts will obtrude ; 
Wild wondering whence will the tinlcome ; 

And oh ! tax-collectors are rude I 
With a rather exacting Exchequer, 

And agents capricious and curt, 
'Tisn't easy to keep up one's pecker, 

Or even to keep in one's shirt. 
When a big tax is claimed in a lump, it 

Comes hard on a purse that is small, 
I fear I shall " go off my crumpet " 

As taxes arise, and " screws " fall. 
Some "returns" are far less than receivings, 

But mine, I admit it, are more. 
Both dodges, no doubt, are deceivings, 

But oh I to be sniffed at as poor 
To tradesmen and such may spell ruin. 

And somehow things ivill get about. 
Five hundred ! There 's little that 's true in 

My income's return I much doubt. 
Bat if I put less they might fancy 

My business was going to pot. 
I try to explain thisCto NANCY, 

But she wanting bonnets says " rot I " 
She 'd give it two hundred and fifty, 

And storm if they deemed that too small ; 
For women, though shifty and thrifty, 

Have no " point of honour " at all. 
But when young thrasonical Jingo 

Will shout " We 'ye the money 1 " I wish 
The spouters of patriot lingo, 

Who at my " tight iUtedness" pish, 
Could but know how confoundedly trying 

Tis sometimes to " scrape up" the tax, 
When creditors all round are crying, 

And current expenses so wax. 
I don't when I 've got some cash grudge it 

To pay for our Navy oh, no ! 
Bat still, I do hope the next Budget 

May knock off a penny or so I 



" Kon VICTOR." Prince CHBISTIAN 
YICTOB of Schleswig-Holstein will of course 
reside in a Kofi Palace on his retarn to Eng- 
land. 

MIDWAY IN THE FOOTBALL COMPETITION. 
" Half a League onward." 



SUITABLE NAME FOB THE RAID. The 
Caledonian Boer-Hunt. 



FKBRUABT 15, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



83 




EXTRACTED FEOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 



House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11. Gathering of clans 
for new campaign. Customary competition for niche in history 
reserved for first man to put in appearance on opening of new session. 
Bat the race only half-hearted. Brings into sharp light the f tilling- 
off since the good old days when DONALD MACFABLANE, returned for 
Argyllshire, made his earliest mark. No half measures with that 
stout Highlander. Camped out in Palace Yard at nightfall preceding 
opening of session. His plaid wrapped round his swarthy limbs ; a 
flask of Scotch whiskey hidden in its folds ; at hand a small sack of 
oatmeal c ike, which served a double debt to pay ; a pillow to begin 
with ; gradually thinned out as hunger grew, till its emptiness gave 
the signal to arise. 

Used to be tradition among police on duty in those far-off days 
that pigeons in Palace Yard, haying dim notions of treasured nursery 
tales, thought MACFABLANE was a Nineteenth Century Babe in the 
Wood. Being early in February, no leaves handy; brought straws 
and tenderly covered him. That probably mythical addition to 
simple facts of original story. 

No similar foundation available to-day. The earliest Member 
arrives at proeaic noon ; the rest troop in till, an hour before Mr. 
SPJ? A K ER makes stately procession on way to Chair, the long-deserted 
House once more throbs with life. E very bxly almost uproariously 
glad to see everyone ehe after separation which, after all, seems to 
date back only a week. Customary February allowance of sun- 
light. But SQTJIBE OF MALWOOD makes up for deficiency in that 
matter. Passes through the throng like broad beam of sunlight ; 
his whole face and figure a smile. 

" Yes, TOBY," he said, when I remarked on his contagious hilarity ; 
" I begin to think life is worth living. After three last year?, 
reckon I have earned right to enjoy myself, and forthwith begin. 
Only thing that troubles me is consideration of PBINCE ABTHUB'S 



position. Better than mine was, of course. Got majority behind him 
which would enable him to snap his fingers at anything on his side 
which corresponds to our Irish section, our "Welsh, our Whigs ? our 
Radicals, our men who want to go too far in a dozen different direc- 
tions, our friends who will not accompany them. Moreover, he has 
the colleagneship of DON JOSE, and what that means, either in 
Cabinet Council or in other relations of political comradeship, only 
those who have enjoyed it know. Still there are cares and worries 
which sit around the pillow of Leader of House of Commons even 
through most restful nights, and in balmiest morning. Maggots 
breed under brilliancy of noontide sun. Now is the very height of 
prosperity for our dear friends opposite. An overwhelming majority ; 
a docile following ; overflowing coffers (which I heaped up) ; a 
powerf ol Navy (which SPENCEB built) ; the cloud of depression that 
has long laid over trade uplifted ; a fair wind, a flowing tide. Never 
in my recollection and I remember DJZZY'S coming-in in 1874 never 
was there such a putting forth to sea of the Conservative argosy. And 
you know how, even in the second voyage of Dizzr's ship, the seas 
grew troubled, how storms increased, and how total wreckage befel. 
No, I 'm not chuckling over that prospect as looming along the path- 
way of this latest voyage. Enough for me that I am out of the conning- 
tower, and can commence once more to enjoy Parliamentary life." 
" And your policy as Leader of the Opposition ? " 
" Did you ever," gaid the SQUiBE.with far away look in his eyes, 
"hear of the habitual resource of Brer Rabbit in times of sudden 
emergency or apparently inextricable difficulty ? ' He lay low and 
said mil Ha.' There you have it, dear TOBY. As far as I am con- 
cerned, or can control what is left of the Liberal Party, for the present, 
at least, our's shall be the policy of Brer Rabbit." 

Business done. Second Session of Fourteenth Parliament of 
Q,aeen VICTOBIA opened. 



WICE. 

[Mr. LINNET, director of the Illinois State 
Weather Bureau, says that the total number of 
arrests shows a marked increase of crime with an 
increase of temperature, and when there is a 
deficiency of rainfall. There is a decrease of crime 
during the winter months, also when there is a 
rainy summer, and when the wind is from the 
south-east or south-west.] 

I KNEW 'twas so ! When earth and sky 
Announce the spring to human senses 

Do I not always yearn to try 
A little coup in false pretences ? 

In sheets of rain and seas of slime 
Perhaps our summer 's been a sparse 'un ; 



Then something whispers, "Now's your 

time 
To show the world your skill in arson I " 

Conversely, when I 'd take a shot 

At being a homicidal hero, 
My inward monitor says, " What 1 

Wouldst murder with the glass at zero ? " 

And when I poached, I should have netted 
Ten toothsome bunnies at the least, 

Had not the wind which I regretted 
Turned suddenly to sou'-sou -east. 

So when I tried embezzlement, 

Why did the crime stick in my gizzard ? 
What was it baulked my vile intent ? 

A bobby_?^N3, it was a blizzard. 



And here 's a fact on LINNET'S side 
Our culprits recognise it daily 

E'en should the air be cold outside, 
They get it hot at the Old Bailey I 



Church and Stage. 
'TwixT preacher dull and actor, there 

Is difference small to show. Sir. 
The one 's a Proser dans sa cnaire, 

T'other, on stage, a " Pro," Sir. 

NOTE ON RETIREMENT OF MR. J-ST-N 
McC-KTHY. Irish difficulties in a worse 
plight than ever this Session, as the balance 
of parties needs a'juttin. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 15, 1896. 



LONG AGO LEGENDS. 

Y E PROUDE CITTIE MAN, Y E BYSSHOP AND Y B 
SPECULATORE. 

A CERTAYNE cittie man was in converse wythe a bysshop. He 
was a proude cittie man, ffor he had a fay re resydaunce in Kensyng- 
tone, and hys wyfe and daughters were fyne ladyes, and one daye in 
eveiie monthe they woulde he atte home to theyre ffryendes, and 

woulde gyve each 
herself ayres 



when they dyd 
go a shqppynge. 
And while they 
were a talkynge 
who shonlde come 
that waye but 

TOMKYNGES, y e 

grett dealer in 
golde and dya- 
monde mynes, in 
ryche tyre, con- 
nynglie browded, 
wyth jewellis 
uponehys handes 
and raymente, 
and who had a 
firctt house in 
Pickadilla, wyth 
servantes and 
horses wythoute 
numbere. And 
y e proude cittie 
man was right 

glad TOMKYNGES 

shoulde see hym 
a talkynge toe a 
bysshop, as y e 
bysshop thoulde 

see he dyd knowe y e famouse man ; and EOO stood alerte toe catch 
hys iye that he myghte nodde and smyle upon hym. But TOM- 
KYNGES went hys waye with hys nose in y e ayre and tooke no notyce 
ever so lyttle. 

"Y e popinjay I" cryed y e proude cittie man, who coulde not 
restrayne hys ire ; " why, my lorde, I dyd knowe that man when he 
had not a jyrkyne toe hys back, and walked y* guttere callynge 
' Rags and bones I ' A ryghte goode callynge, for he was but rags 
and bones hymselfe." 

" Nay," sayd y e bysshop, withe gentyle reproofe ; " contra bonos 
mores. Speak not ill of olde ffryendes." 

Y e proude cittie man toke hys leave -\ 
browe, 




wythe thoughte npone hys 



INGOLDSBY AND SHAKSPEAKE. 

'"HE won't won't he? Then bring me my boots I' said the 
Baron." 

Now this quotation is from the tale of Grey Dolphin, which, as 
everybody knows who reads, or has read, anything, is one of the prose 
ptories included in ihelngoldsby Legends written by the Rev. RICHAHD 
HARRIS BARIIAM. Les grands fsprits se rencontrent occasionally, 
and in this matter of "boots" SHAKSPEARE anticipated Ingoldsby. 
Turn to Richard the Second, Act V., Sc. 2. I give it compressed : 

"Duke of York. Give me my boots, I say I 

[Exit servant for boots. 

4 ' Duchess. What is the matter P 

" York. Bring me my boots." (This he must shout loudly as the 
servant, according to stage direction above, has gone for them.) "I 
will unto the king. 

" Re-enter servant with boots. 

"Duchess (to servant). Hence, villain ! never more come in my 
sight." 

[It was a nice family to live in. Duchess is now preventing servant 
from handing boots to Duke, while their son ATTMERLE is 
standing by. Pretty domestic scene in Sigh life ! 
" York (naturally irritated). Give me my boots, I say I " 

But the Duchess won't let him have his boots. During the 
remainder of the scene, while the servant, who remains on the stage, 
must be dodging about trying his best to give the Doke his boots, 
and AUMERLE ig regarding the scene quietly, the Duchess, now 
throwing herself on her knees before her husband, now embracing 
him, now clinging to him, is perpetually preventing the Duke from 
sitting down quietly and putting on his boots. Finally, utterly 
exasperated, the Dole exclaims: 

"Make way, unruly woman I " and flinging her aside rushes off 



violently, followed, of course, by " servant with boots." SHAKSPEAKE, 
whose genius never disdained trifles, makes far more out of the Duke's 
boots than does Ingoldsby of the Baron's. 

Should Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON well and wisely determine on 
reviving this play of SHAKSPEARE'S, himself taking the part of the 
unhappy Xing Richard the Second, with whom the audience must 
always be in sympathy, may I hope that he will give due prominence 
to this particular tcene, and will take great care that the property 
boots be effective The Duke of York should be played by Mr. 
TEBRISS, specially engaged. He can " make-up elderly " ; and then 
how finely would he thunder forth " Give me my boots ! " For the 
Duchess, who has to implore him on her knees, let the part be confided 
to Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL. Mr. ALEXANDER should play Aumerle ; 
and the part of the servant, who brings in the boots, on whose 
business with the Duke and Duchess, and on whose facial expression 
the entire effect of the scene depends, might be safely entrusted to 
Mr. PENLEY, whot e performance in dumb show, when, with the big 
boots in his hand, he tries to dodge the Ducheis, would attract the 
whole of London. Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON will do well to consider 
this friendly hint from A. P. DE BOTTIS. 

FASHIONABLE ARRANGEMENTS (UP TO DATE). 

THE Court at Osborne. 

The German Emperor at or near Berlin. 

The PBIME MINISTER at Downing Street and Hatfield. 

The Duchess of WINKLESEI'S bazaar in aid of the West African 
Top Boot Fund. 

Mr. A. J. BALFOUR at Golf after meeting Parliament. 

The P. P. C. Club attend a meeting of the " Au Revoir " Associa- 
tion at Farewell Ledge. 

Mrs. TINWHISTLE'S Small and Eaily. Carriages at 4 A.M. 

Courts open at Bow Street, Marlborough Street, Westminster, &c. 
Sitting magistrates in attendance. 

St. Paul's (Whispering Gallerv), Madame TUSSATTD'S (NAPOIEOS'S 
Carriage). The Tower (Crown Jewels), British Museum (mummies). 

Constant trains from Waterloo, Victoria, Charing Cross, London 
Bridge, Paddington, Liverpool Street, and other stations (punctuality 
not guaranteed). 

Hanwell. Entertainment to unemployed patients. 

Company Meetings. Bunkum Railroad (10), Salt Cellars Limited 
(11.30), Pigskin Pavement (11.45), Far-above- Boobies Mine (12), 
Ashanti Food Supply (12.15), Thames Mud Recovery (1), Robbeii- 
JoHberi Gem Mines (1.15). 

Professor FBIZKLLE introduces the Salubrikon shaving soap at 
St. Barbe's Hall, W. 

THE BACK KJTCHIN. Etruscan Hall, diner d la Macedoine, accom- 
panied by comic songs. 3s. 6d. Tripe and larks' feet suppers in the 
Scandinavian recess. Fried fish in the Jerusalem Chamber. 

RESTAURANT SPAGHETTI. Specialities : Frogs legs and oysters a la 
Piedmontaise : Tulti frutti d la Ghetto. Private rooms for public 
parties. Suppers during the theatres. 

Inauguration of the JKamskatka Boarding House, Blopmsbury, by 
the Rev. GINGER POP. Refection at 5. By cards of invitation only. 

Great sale of wall-papers and window-blinds at Messrs. Siucco 
AND LATHE, 19, Great Cambridge Street, W.C. 

Eaormous sacrifice of Irish Whiskey Tonic at Messrs. O'Bocus 
AND SNABK'S. 1008, St. Bee's Lane, E.G. 

Hairpins, curlers, tongs, &c., amounting to 55,347 5s. 2d. t at 
TOTTPET'S, ChevaUne House, Conqueror Street, W. 

At BANAGHER'S, Crimpside (the only house established 1895) two 
million rabbit and rat-skin pelisses. Note BANAGHER'S. None 
other genuine. 

Madame FBILETJSE. Massage Japonais daily, 11 to 5. Open on 
Sundays. 

Unicycling. The Bike Emporium, Ratford Road, W. 

Corn cutting. Chez un professeur Francois, No. 1279, Gambetta 
Street, W.C. Strict secrecy. 

Guinea-pig, Bull and Bear Show. Stock Exchange Hall, E.G. 

Racing. Campdown Steeplechases (first day). 

Backgammon, Dominoes, and Draughts. Great matches (8), Ping 
Pong Club, Seven Dials. 

Gadabout Theatre. Twenty-fourth edition of Paul Pry in Petti- 
coats. New songs, new dances, " new wheezes," new management, 
new authors, new call-boy. 

VABITO'S Varieties. Signor PORCO the Pigman at 10, nightly. 
The MAC FLASH has returned. 

"CARO NOME DEL MIO LI-COR " ; OR, " VERO SO BEN TROVATO." 
[A meeting of the Executive Committee of the Aberdeen Association for 
the Control of the Liquor Traffic was presided over by Dr. BEVEHIPGE!] 

WITHOUT doubt, " for the throat" is this medical seer, 

Whose name sounds especially " jolly." 
But he 'd " doc" k the poor man of his beverage beer, 

And this sounds like absolute folly. 



FEBRUARY 22, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




WHAT OUR NOVELIST HAS TO PUT TIP WITH. 

His little Grandson is made to write (under dictation) to unknown 
enthusiastic American admirer of his works: " DEAR MADAM, 
GRANDPAPA WISHES MB TO WRITE AND THANK YOU FOR TOUR 
PHOTOGRAPH, AND FOR TOUR KIND LET HER TO HIM, IN WHICH YOU 
SAY YOU WOULD SO LIKE TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC AND MAKE BIS 
ACQUAINTANCE, SO THAT WHAT IS DIVINE IN YOU MAY HAVE AN OPPOR- 
TUNITY OF MINGLING WITH WHAT IS DIVINE IN GRANDPAPA. 

"GRANDPAPA THINKS IT WOULD BE VERY NICE INDEED. ONLY 
HE 's VERY BUST JUST NOW ; AND BESIDES, HE *S AFRAID GRAND- 
MAMMA MIGHT OBJECT. SO, PEBHAP3, YOU 'D BETTER NOT. 

" YOURS TRULY, JACK BOOMER. 

"P.S. GRANDPAPA CAN'T SEND YOU HIS PHOTOGRAPH, AS HE 
HASN'T BEEN TAKEN FOB THIRTT-FIVE YEARS." 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

ON COLDS. 
PBIOB, I believe, tells us that 

" Each charging season does its poison bring ; 
Rheums chill the winter, agues blast the spring." 

Or, as CALVEKLEY puts it, in words even more forcible, the winter 
is the season when 

" M's and n's are mostly 
Pronounced like b's and d's." 



^ me a cold does not take precisely that form, but it is, even 
without these mispronunciations, a serious and melancholy catas- 
trophe ; and, while it lasts, takes from life all that ordinarily makes 
life pleasant. I do not wish to intrude my own personal sorrows 
upon the reading public, but after all in this matter, as I take it, 
the pains and discomforts through which I struggle by the aid of 
hot drinks, handkerchiefs, and all the other infernal paraphernalia 
of this minor fever, have been endured to an equal extent by the 
public at large. Now, nothing more consoles an invalid than to 
recount his desperate woes to his friends, and to assure himself of 
their sympathy by allowing them in turn not at the same length, 
of course : no man's illness is ever so serious as one's own to com- 
municate their distressing symptoms to him. Let me, therefore, 
put myself in an entirely impartial position, and imagine that in 
reciting nay own experiences I am really listening to those of a very 
dear and intimate friend which is, indeed, the oae. 

VOL. ex. 



THE beginnings, then, of the colds to which my f riendlis occasion- 
ally a martyr, are invariably sudden and explosive. At one momen 
he walks erect, proud in the consciousness of perfect health. Hi 
eye is undimmed, his mind is clear, his muscles are firmlv braced 
bis voice is resonant. Then, without a warning, three terrible deto- 
nations shake the house in quick succession. There comes a pause 
and then two more rend the rafters. He has sneezed five times 
the number five is fatal to him and he knows that a cold has him 
in its clutches. At these well-known and terrific sounds the estab- 
lishment is convulsed. " He 's got it," the butler remarks to the 
cook. "Yes, and it's a bad one. He's managed to keep it off a 
good long time this season, but I knew it had got to come. MARY 
put his blue shawl in his bed, make up his fire, and don't forget the 
hot-water bottle." At these words from the mistress of the kitchen, 
the housemaid bustles away to make the customary preparations, 
and the butler, having placed his master's slippers by the fire, imme- 
diately busies himsslf with the brew of a jorum of port-wine negus 
or mulled claret, specifies sanctified by a long household tradition as 
the first line of defence, the domestic navy, against the treacherous 
attacks of the cold-fiend. 

THE five sneezes have been the signal for the mobilisation of the 
home army. No further orders are ^ required from the unfortunate 
master, even if he were capable of giving any. But as for him. the 
well-cushioned teat of his arm- chair receives him. There he reclines, 
huddled, a mere semblance of a man, now racked with despair, now 
tortured with illusive hone, and the walls re-echo with the trumpet 
sounds of his affliction. Not otherwise an eagle, borne aloft upon the 
invincible power of spreading wings, beholds upon the plain below 
a kid, sporting in the meadows. Downward he starts from the upper 
heights, his fierce spirit aflame with the desire of prey, ruffled as to 
his haughty plumage, and, with rending beak and greedy talons, 
seizes the soft offspring of the mother-goat. In vain its bleatings fill 
the air ; in vain its sorrowing parents and the flocks of the shepherds 
pour forth lamentations, and witness each departure with black 
grief gnawing at their hearts. Up, and ever up, soars the kingly 
bird, depositing his prize, at length, in his eyrie, a feast not unap- 
preciated by the partner of his throne and her soft-plumaged brood. 
But, below, the mother-goat is desolate, nor do the rich pastures 

give her comfort. So a cold "Well, in fact, to finish with the 

simile, the cold is as an eagle, the cold's victim is as the kid ; and 
beyond a general resemblance, it is never possible to press a simile 
in the clastic form. 

BUT, as I said, the sufferer lies in his armchair, and at first he 
dopes. A cold I pooh, the notion is absurd. The weather is warm 
and spring-like ; he has not been conscious of damp socks or sitting 
in draughts, or any other rashness. It can't be a real cold ; merely 
a fit of sneezing which will pass away and leave no trace. So he 
thinks, but all the time there are little creeping shivers, the demon's 
antenna;, playing up and down his spine ; his skin turns to that of 
a goose ; he shifts himself closer and closer to the fire without 
acquiring any warmth ; his hair seems endowed with a malignantly 
ndependent existence ; each separate hair begins to sting him, then 
they all combine and rake his throbbing head with a deadly persist- 
ence, and eventually the careful butler enters unsummoned with a 
relay of dry handkerchiefs on a tray, and an announcement that 
dinner will be ready shortly, that he doesn't suppose his master 
ntends to dress, and will he have the usual amount of sugar in the 
lot port wine. After this, only one hope remains. He lights a 
cigarette. Misery he cannot taste it. Then he is, indeed, in for a cold. 

No matter : it shall be checked nipped in the bud. Feed a cold 
and starve a fever ; wherefore, immense quantities of food are con- 
sumed and all to no avail. For the handkerchief , the white flag of 

nrrender, flutters without ceasing, the eyes pour with copious tears, 

he tongue is parched. And as he enters his bedroom the sufferer 
sees the ancient blue shawl deftly and invitingly spread, the shawl 

hat is brought out only for these calamities, and retires to its 
cupboard with reluctance long after all danger is over ; and a bulge 

n the bedclothes proclaims that beneath that spot lies snugly 
nestling the hot- water bottle which is to spread its comfort from the 

eet upward through the whole system, and bake him in his bed. I 
need not protract the pitiful story. Men laugh at colds, but for real 
misery, for the misery which leaving you strength takes away joy, 
which tosses and tortures and roasts and freezes, which tears you 
and then tears each separate piece, which make s tobacco a loathing, 
and robs even a Norwegian anchovy of taste for such a misery as 

his there is only one name, and the name is Cold. May it perish 

rom the land. 

SPECIAL NEW WOMAN SERVICE. It has been announced that the 
Reverend AUGUSTA CHAPIN, D.D. who might be familiarly addressed 
s "Chappie," or, "Young Chap "has retiened her pastorate (sweet 
hepherdefis H, and is coming to London. If ner Reverence occupies a 
lulpit, then in the choir will be Mrs. CHANT. 



86 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 22, 1896. 




FEBRUARY 22, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



87 




PUTTING IT NICELY. 

Young Lady (politely, to o 7 d Gentleman who is fiddling with gap), " I DON'T WISH TO HUBBY YOU, SIR, BUT WHIN YOU HAVC QUITE 

FINISHED YOUK GAME OF SPILIKIDS I SHOULD LIKE TO COME 1" 



" BETRAYED BY THE INTERVIEWEE!" 

(Fragment from a Matter-of-fact Eomance,) 

RUPPET had done his best to ooncilia*e the representative of The 
Dettctice, the newest of the long series of interviewing periodicals. 
He had lunched him, smoked with him, joked with him. He 
believed that he had created a favourable impression. If he had to 
complain of anything, it was of the scanty attention paid to his 
stories, and the noise made by an apparatus that was brought into his 
studv by the investigator. 

" You will let me see the article when it appears," said RUPEBT, 
as he bade bis guest farewell. 

" Certainly," was the answer ; and the two men parted. 

*' I trust that he will not omit my narrative of good work and good 
deeds," thought the now lonely celebrity ; "if he sets down all I 
relat< d, I shall appear as a hero and a saint. And why not ? " 

A fortnight later and the two weie onoe again face to face. But 
now RUPERT was furious. 

"What do you mean, Sir, by proving me to be a coward and an 
imposter P " he shouted. 

" I merely reproduced your thought s," was the calm response. 

" But I told you nothing to my disadvantage," cried RUPEBT, 
angrily. " How can you know what was passing through my 
mind P" 

" By using the simple contrivance to which you took exception 
*hen I brought it with me into your study." 
1 1 do not understand you." 

"You will when I tell you that I photographed the working of 
your brain, and thus learned the secrets you would have hidden from 
me ! And now I will explain scientifically " 

But RUPERT heard no more. The unfortunate celebrity had 
fainted! 

NEW TITLE (suggested by the Right Hon. J. Ch-mb-rl-ri) t 
PRESIDENT KBUGEB ; or, " OoM-RuLE PAUL." 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

THE Chief of 0. B. 0. is not addicted to strong language, but, having 
perused all the stories in The Sand Sea, he takes his Davey, which 
expression, whatever it may otherwise imply, means, in this in- 
stance, his "RICHABD DAVEY," author of this work, that rarely 
has he come across so good a compilation of short stories all telling 
and all well told, none of them occupying more than the space of a 
thorough reader's " spare half-hour "as he has found in the small 
volume (title mentioned above) published by the Roxburgh Press. 
No "problems" or mysteries among them. " Dav ev sum, non 
OSdipus," says, in effect, the author. " I recommend the volume to 
all, and, more Oliveri, ask for more," says THE BABON. 

" POLICE 1 " "Hardlv a week has passed without complaints being 
lodged with the police," wrote the Pall Mall Gazette, d propot of 
brutal murder at Muswell Hill. The paragraph finished with As 
yet the police have no clue." What! not with all these com- 
plaints lodged with the police " almost every week "for some months 
past'MI Then follows " The police theory it " and so forth. Of 
what use is " theory" of police, as against "practice" of burglars r 
When "Preventive Force," after being specially warned, does not 
"prevent," there is evidently something organically wrong. 

" Off, SFANLEY, ON." Thus we address that talented actress. Miss 
ALMA STANLEY, who, after reports all to the contrary, nevertheless 
and notwithstanding, is alive, and, we trust, well. ' On, STANLEY, 
on " the stage againj 

LATEST DEVELOPMENT or THE NEW WOMAN. Girton girls going 
in for a ' ' Gamble." 

NEW NAME FOB A PABTY IN THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL. The 
Pro-Aggressives. 

GUABDIAN ANGELS. The Flying Squadron. 



88 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 22, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(BY BABOO HUBBY BTJNGSHO JABBEBJEB, B.A.) 

No. V. 

In which Mr. Jabber jee expresses his Opinions on Bicycling 
as a Pastime. 

IK consequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable 
Miss JESSIMINA upon the dancing attendance of your humble 
servant, I am lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have 
not drunk in the legal wisdom of the learned Gooroos who lecture in 
the hall of my Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of 
Hon'ble Justice BLACKSTONE or ADDISON on Torts, for many a 
blank day. 

Still, as Philosopher PLATO observed, " Nihil humam alienum a 
me vtito," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft 
of Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Man- 
kind, and acquiring: a more complete knowingness in Ars Vivendi. 

So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a 
practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague, 
and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household 
families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a 
paternal Government. 

Need I explain I am alluding 
to the nowaday passion for 
propelling oneself at a severe 
speed by dint of unstable and 
most precarious machinery ? 
It is now the exception 
which breaks the rule to 
take the air in the streets 
without being start ltd by 
the unseemly spectacles of 
go-ahead citizens straddled 
upon such revolutionary con- 
trivances, threading their 
way with breakneck velocity 
under the very noses of 
omnibus and other horses, 
and ringing the shrill welkin 
of a tintinnabulating gong I 

Nay, even after the Cur- 
few has taken its toll from 
the kn dl of parting day, and 
darkness reigns supreme, 
ihey will urge on their wild 
career, illuminated by the 
dim religious light of a 
small oil lamp ! 

I possess no knack of 
medical knowledge, but I 
boldly state my opinion that 
such daredevilry must neces- 
sarily inflict a deleterious 
result to the nervous or- 
ganisms of these riders ; and, 
whoknows, of their posterity 
For no one can expect to 
have hairbreadth escapes 
from the running gauntlet 




" I instantaneously endured the total upset ! 



myself upon one of these same machines, and as welwere now close 
to the effigy of Hon'ble Duke of WELLINGTON disguised as an 
Achilles, near which were certain bunniahs trafficking with^bicyoles 
I, wishing to pleasure my fair companion, approached oneTof 
these contractors and bargained with him for the sole user of his 
vehicle for the space of one calendar hour, to which he consented at 
the honorarium of one rupee four annas. 

But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived 
myself under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent for no 
sooner had I protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost 
wheel averted itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which 
afforded lively and infinite entertainment to my feminine companions. 
I, however, reproached the bunniah for furnishing a worn-out 
effete affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but 
he, by assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once 
more. So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I com- 
manded a hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted 
upon the saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it 
in a position of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity 
of my pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to 
press my feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the 
labour of Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions 

and adamantine hardihood, 
and whenever the bicycle- 
man released his hold, I 
instantaneously endured the 
total upset I 

Then again I reproved him 
for his Punica fides, inform- 
ing him that I reqwred a 
machine that would run with 
smooth progressiveness, pre- 
cisely similar t-j those I 
beheld in motion around me. 
To which he replied that I 
must not expect to be able to 
ride impromptu as well as 
individuals who had only 
mastered the accomplish- 
ment by long continuity of 
practice and industry. 

"Oh, man of wily tongue !" 
I addressed him. " Not thus 
will you bamboozle my 
supposed simplicity ! For if 
the art were indeed so diffi- 
cult as you pretend, how 
f-hould it be acquired by so 
many timid and delicate 
teminines and mere nurse- 
lings? This machine of 
yours is nothing but an 
obsolete hors de combat with 
which it is not humanly 
possible to work the oracle ! " 
At which, waxing with 
indignation, he leaped upon 
it, and, to my surprise, did 
easily propel it in whatsoever 
direction he pleased, and its 



continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic, while motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest : 

so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, 1 



catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have^ become de 
rigueur. 

Experto crede for I can support my obiter dictum by the crushing 
weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the 
honour to escort Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW and a middle-aged 
select female boarder into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was 
fine, though frigid, and I was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with 
boots of patent Japan leather, and a Bombay gold- embroidered cap, 
so that I was a mould of form and the howling nob. 

Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the 
waters of the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every 
conceivable age, sex r and appearance ; senile gaffers and baby bunt- 
ings ; multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin 
as a paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and 
milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to 
dash through thick and thin I 

j.2 n swing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the 
dithculties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected 
to view such a tour de force, but I, perceiving that those seated 
upon the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, 
appeared to be wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that 
no skill was required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to 
being surrounded with air-cushions, would proceed proprio motu 
and without meandering. 

Thereupon Miss MAHKLETOW expressed an ardent dedre to behold 



should speedily become a chef-d'oeuvre, I once more suffered myself 
to mount the machine ; but, whether from superabundant energy of my 
foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of 
a precipitous slope, I was soon horrified at finding that my instructor 
was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork I 

Oh, my goodness I My heart turns to water at the nude recollec- 
tion of such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained 
bicycle tires acquirit eiindo, and in seven-league boots ! While I, 
wet as a clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handlei 
like the horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the 
bystanders, " Help 1 I am running away with myself 1 Half 
rupee for my life-preserver ! " 

But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had tl 
ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapid: 
was borne helplessly down the dtclivity towards the gates of Hyde 
Park Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior 
wheel ran under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the 
comparative security of a mud-barrow I 

On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, 1 
had the further shock to discover that it was solvitur ambulando . 

After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my 
safety, I confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish tl 
highly dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, ori 
the very least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall 1 



.FEBRUARY 22, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



peimitted to ride upon any bicycle possessing 
less than three wheels, or guilty of a greater 
celerity than three (or four) miles per hour. 

The fair Miss MANKLETOW amended this 
proposal by suggesting that the Public should 
be restricted at once to perambulators; but 
this is, perhaps, majori cauteld, and an in- 
stance of the over-solicitude of the female 
intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an 
adult, who has assumed the toga virilis and 
tall hat, as if he was still mewling and puking 
in a tucker and bib. 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

(For Ladies only.) 

[As our unfair Correspondent has positively 
declined to share such emoluments as the mention 
of certain trading firms may bring in (qvA adver- 
tisements),- we have adopted a perfectly equitable 
course in suppressing all such names. N.IJ. Any 
inquiries on the subject must be addressed to 
Editor, marked " private." ED.] 

DEAEEST ETHELINDA, You owe me a 
thousand felicitations ; not on my birthday, 
for that you know only blooms with the early 
roses in June, but on an Event. I hasten to 
chronicle it with all speed in that perfumed 
violet fluid which Messrs. * * * have rendered 
so necessary to all fair correspondents. In 
a word, as VICTOK HUGO puts it, I have had 
a personal interview with the Duchess of 
HAGGEESTON ! ! 1 1 Naturally je m'en raffole. 
Are you not surprised, sweet coz, and was I 
not right in claiming your compliments ? It 
was dear old General WHISKER (about whom 
such funny after-dinner stories are told, so 
FEED FLANEUR assures me,) who arranged 
the meeting. The General is au mieux with 
her Grace, who, like a wise woman, does not 
care for the society of the "masherkins" (the 
dear Duchess's own expression) of the frivolous 
theatres. However, imagine little ME (after 
an hour's journey by train, when I did not 
catch cold, thanks tooneof Madame * * *'s new 
Edredon railway rugs) arriving in a cab at 
the frowning portals of Kagmagag Castle, a 
Norman structure which was taken by 
WILLIAM THE CONQTTEBOE from the Saxon 
Princess ELFWTDLA, and given to the Duke's 
ancestor, who filled the post of Tire-Souchon 
de la Cour on the field of Hastings. 

My arrival was evidently expected, for I 
was immediately ushered through a vast 
hall, filled with battle-axes, by an enormously 
tall footman, who would make his fortune in 
the Life-Guards, into the Duchess's boudoir. 
The splendid fellow such a gentleman 
begged me to be seated, assuring me that her 
Giace would join me in a few minutes, and 
having gracefully thrown some coals (the 
M-rq-s of X's "Best Screened," I could see) 
on the fire, left me with a princely bow to the 
contemplation of this delicious retreat a 
niche in fairyland, with its delicate eau de nil 
hangings, furniture en suite, and treasury of 
Sevres and Dresden ornaments, interspersed 
with roses, camellias, orchids, palms, and tree 
ferns. Note-book in hand, I jotted down some 
of the more striking obfets d'art, such as a gold 
Cupid with turquoise eyes ; a malachite foun- 
tain discharging extrait de reseda (* * *'s 
invention) ; a full-length portrait in oils of 
* * *, the famous low comedian; framed 
photographs (signed) of the Crowned Heads 
of Europe ; a capacious ebony and silver box 
filled with * * *'s choicest cigarettes ; a marble 
bust of Mile. Z * *, the witty French chan- 
teuse ; a collection of richly illuminated Greek 
miseals ; a negro's skull arranged as a candle- 
stick (I fancied I traced the skill of Messrs. 
* in this), and a superb rug made, as I 
afterwards ascertained, from the tails of 
Siberian guinea-pigs, and valued at many 




"Off, I SY ! WOT'S OBANGE FREE STATE MEAN, BILLY? ' ? 

"WHY, WHERE YER GITS YER ORANGES FOR NTJFFIN, STOOPID 1 " 



thousands of pounds. Perhaps you will smile 
at these minutice, but surely the woman in 
possession had a right to take the inventory ? 
My pencilling (* * *'s shorthand) was inter- 
rupted by the entrance of the Duchess herself. 
Ah I mantia, conceive a goddess, a Juno, with 
languishing blue eyes, gold-bronze locks, and 
the stature of Diana a svelte divinity, who 
would have inspired the Muse of V * *, or the 
brush of P * * P * * R * *. Her Grace was 
in cycling costume, which enabled me the 
better to view the fascinating proportions of 
her taille. I noted that her tailor-made 
knickerbockers were of thick quilted navy- 
blue silk, and her shapely legs incased in a 
pair of * * *'s Royal tartan hose. On her 
mouse-like Tr-lb-s were the pinked brogues 
for which * * * is so famous. The Duchess, 
producing a brille-gueule from her jacket 
pocket (the garment was cut a la W-ll-m 
W-ll-oe, with pebble buttons), lighted it with 
a real fusee, and observed in quite a business- 
like way: "Now I dare say that my time's 
as valuable as yours, Miss What 's - your- 
name. You want to know something about 
me. Here goes. Do I hunt P Yes, and race, 
fish, shoot, cycle, as you see, yacht, and play 
the banjo, the bagpipes, penny whistle and 
Jew's harp. I can't spell, and am ignorant 
of grammar, but I write for half-a-dozen 
periodicals someone corrects my articles, 
I don't. I'm Dame-President of the Kag- 



magag Daffodil League, a bit of a SABAII 
BEBNHAEDT in my way, and can give twenty 
in a hundred at billiards to most men. The 
New Woman doesn't concern me in the least, 
but I 'm partial to distinguished old men. I 
like going the rounds and winning a good 
coup at baccarat. Monte Carlo's twice as 
good a place as this dingy old dust-pan of a 
Castle. If my ancestors had built it instead 
of the Duke's, I 'd have sent all their ugly 
old mugs to the National Portrait Gallery. 
Any views as to the mission of our sex P Yes, 
to make the oof -bird fly. literature? No 
time for books, prefer spicy, up - to - date 
journals. Now I 've got a skittle match on, 
so you '11 have to scoot. You '11 find tea, or 
B.-and-S., if you prefer it, in the houss- 
keeper's room. Tal Tall" 
* Such, dear, were the ipse dixit words of 
this grande chatelaine. While I was discuss- 
ing a cup of fragrant Bokoe (Messrs. * *'s 
importation) with the ducal senechaleA 
fine old lady of some eighty winters she 
gave me a recipe which you should try- It 
is short and savoury. Braise six fonds 
dartichaux in the gravy of three Surrey 
fowls add the juice of four pomegranates, 
and three soft bloater roes, and serve with 
Parmesan cheese, French mustard and svrup 
of chicory. The latter can only be obtained 
from the * * * Co., Ltd. Ever, dear, 

Your loving cousin, KADJ. 



90 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[FEBRUARY 22, 1896. 




SUNDAY COLLECTION FOR 

(Little Pedlimgton.) 



THE 



P. G. 



After Morning Service. 
"On JR I 'M COMING AGAIN THIS AFTSRSOON, YOU KNOW." 



After Afternoon Service. 

'OH ER I WAS HBEB THIS JtORHlNQ, YOU KNOW.' 



'ARRY ON AFRICAN AFFAIRS. 

DEAB CHARLIE, 'Ow goes it, old Oyster? 

Shut up in your stuffy old shell, 
Out o' town, out of life, out of heverythink, 

fur from the Bonk and Pell-Mell, 
You're a regular old Rip van Winkle, or 

winkle without the Rip van 
All 'ard- shell and 'orny blind hoptic. Lawks, 

'ow do you atand it, old man P 

In town things skip lively, I tell you; 

political pots on the bile. 
" 'Oly calm" ? Oh, my eye and a band- 

box, the ghost of old BEAKY must smile ! 
True the Rads and 'Ome Rulers are kiboshed, 

and clean off their crumpets with spite, 
But elsewere it is like good old times of 'eads 

up, and " We don't want to fight." 

With Rods it is always "tails down"! 

'Owsomever they 're not in the 'unt. 
Thanks to Brummagem JOE, who has floored 

them, and seems coming slap to the 

front. 
I 've given 'im beans in the bygones, I 'm 

nuts on that brave Doctor JIM, 
But JOB 'as 'is pints, I admit, and you 

cannot knock flies off of Vm. 

"Pell-Mell and the Bank," I remarked, 

CHABLIE. Ah ! that^s the text for to-day ; 
Toffs and Tin, CHABLIE, Fashion and Funds ! 

They 're the only two barneys as pay. 
Ask BARNEY BABNATO, ask RHODES, ask poor 

docks, ask a rich lady Yank ; 
And they '11 tell you in Mammon's own Bible 

the text is Pell-Mell and the Bank. 

That's wot old SOL [SOLOMONS tells me. 
Queer cjdger, old SOL. Off 'is chump. 



Sort of SjsheilUt I. L. P. patriarch; learned 
on ** boom " and on " slump." 

Like a grey JEKHMIAH gone wrong, with a 
beard like Niagra froze 'ard, 

Or a door-mat as badly wants beating. But 
can't 'e spin yarns by the yard P 

Rum thing, mate, your fair stony-broker who 

lives up a court, on the cadge, 
Bangs ROTHSCHILD in talking of millions. 

1 '11 wager a crown to a fadge 
SOL knows more about bimetallism than 

CHAPLIN or BALFOUB hisself ; 
And SOL says the Gods of our Period are 

Privilege, Pedigree, Pelf. 

The Prince and the Priest, grumbles SOL, 

'ave give place to a new tyrant-curse, 
As villainous- ard and more vulgar, and that 

is the Power o' the Purse. 
Poor SOL! That's the bee in At* bonnet. 

But swelp me JEMIMEB, old man, 
If you can't get a slice of good old " Golden 

Calf," you must grub on cold eoran. 

So fur Silly SOLLY is right. 'Ow the doose 

can a cove out a dash, 
In Society Church, State, or Sport if 'e 

ain't got the 'andling of cash ? 
It need not be 'is own to begin with, the 

shareholders' shekels will do ; 
But, CHARLIE, the duffingest game is 'ard 

work on a measly small screw. 

Spekkylation 'a the oyster, my pippin, from 

which you may pick the big pearl. 
Life is all pitch-and-toss, when you think on 

it. Wot is it keeps up the whirl, 
Spins the artful ones up to the surface, sucks 

duffers and 'onest mugs down ? 
Well, it isn't 'ard work and straight ways, 

you may bet Chartered shares to a crown. 



/'m a thinking of going out, CIIAHLIK. 

That 's wot set your pal on this lay. 
'"ARBY'S preaching { " thinks you! Well, 

mate, preaching is not 'ABBY'S mark it 

don't pay. 
But two quid a week and no perks is a getting 

a little mite slow ; 
And Jc hannesburg if there ' no fighting 

would jest about suit me, I know. 

Only want to see JOSEPH more down on that 

artful old Dutchman, and then 
I 'm an Oatlander all round my 'at, CHABLIE, 

either with pick or with pan, 
^inythink but a rifle I It 's clear that your 

Boer is a bullying brute, 
Who will whine, and won't mine, the old mug ; 

but, by Jingo, 'e knows how to shoot. 

This mixing up bizness and bullets is bosh, as 

those Cornishmen thought. 
If I 'd been a soldier by trade, like a 'ero, no 

doubt, I 'd 'ave fought ; 
But lor I to be called from the counter to 

strap on a shot-belt and fight, 
May do all very well for Dutch burghers, but 

dashed if 1 think it seems right. 

It 's a pity that brave Doctor JIM didn't wipe 

those Dutch farmers clean out ; 
As with proper support, and no JOE, 'e 'd 'ave 

done, I 'ave not the least doubt. 
Oh I I 'm not nuts on potry myself, and I 

think " lines " is mostly tin-pot ; 
But when I read AUSTIN well, 'ABKY must 

own 'e felt 'appy and 'ot ! 

They wos worthy of good old MACDEBMOTT, 
they wos, them there lines, and no kid. 

A Briton ae goes in a buster, and don't care 
a blow wot 'e 's bid, 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 22, 1896. 




A POOR RELATION. 



HOME RULE (disconsolately}. "WHAT'S TO BECOME OF ME 9" 

RT. Hox. J. C. "WELL-THINGS HAVE GONE A BIT AGAINST YOU HERE, BUT THERE'S A NICE OPENING 
FOR YOU IN THE TRANSVAAL. PRESENT THIS LETTER OF INTRODUCTION TO MY FRIEND MR. KRUGER." 



FEBRUARY 22, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



93 




QUITE UNNECESSARY QUESTION. 

Newly-appointed Magistrate. "AN7 PREVIOUS CONVICTIONS AGAINST THE PBISONER?" 



1 say is a shore-going NELSON, as laws and 

conventions will jump, 
And to call such a buster a mere 

gives 'AERY the 'ump. 

"Raid" he jolly well jiggered, dear hoy! 
Eogland fust, and the rest as they can I 

That 's my motter, my own " MONBOE Doc- 
trine," as ought to be stuck to, old man, 

Spite o' Dutchmen, and Yanks, German Hem- 
T>rors,andall sech houtsiders. Great Scott! 

Old England, as SOLSBURY put it, can take on 
the whole blooming lot ! 

Yes, SOLSBURY 's my man, bless 'is boko I If 
'e 'd do a turn at the 'Alls, 

And recite ALFRED AUSTIN'S new pome, gad, 
we 'd blow the roof bang off the walls ! 

Brum JOE ? well, SO-EO ! - BALFOTJR ? tol- 
lol ! but SOLLY and ALFBED ? Oh, lor ! 

The hangcore for " Marquidge and Minstrel " 
would give German BILLY wot for I 

It's clear 'e 's no class, that young Sossige, 

as ought to know better, yes, much, 
Than to chip at 'is Good Gracious Grandma, 

along of a hugly Old Dutch. 
If ARBY goes out to the Transvaal 'e won't 

turn a Dutchman, no fear ! 
And e won't want no Germans to swamp 'ioa ; 

'e's 'ad fur too much of 'em 'ere ! 

I '11 watch 'ow things pan out, my pippin ; 

and if JOE 's as good as 'is word, 
And don't knuckle hunder to KBUGEB, like 

GLADSTONE, as would be absurd, 
And if the Hand game don't mean rifles, as 

/'ve no hambition to carry, 
The Johannesburg Outlanders may 'ave the 

'onour of welcomin' ' 



THE FIRST QUESTION. The North Pole! 
Discovery 1 1 Who was at the head of it ? 
Liberal ? Unionist ? or Conservative ? 



A NOTE FROM THE NORTH POLE. 

Arrival at Destination. Eureka I My ex- 
cursionundertaken in the interests of civi- 
lisation and the proprietors of the Patent 
Wardrobe Hat Company, Limited has been 
successful! Have secured all vacant spaces 
on North Pole for advertising purposes. 
Already fixed up double- crown poster of the 
useful article for which I am travelling. The 
placard, showing the various compartments 
of the Patent Wardrobe Hat here a space 
reserved for linen, there another for drees 
clothes, yonder a third for boots is most 
effective. The picture is displayed under 
Union Jack. Expect to do big business in 
Greenland. Advertising will sell anything. 
Shall advertise Noith Pole itself for sale. 
Lots more where that came from. Supply 
can be kept up to demand. 

Particulars of a Newly- discovered Land- 
mark. After leaving the dreary waste which 
I christened "New Berlin," out of compli- 
ment to the German EMPEBOB we came to 
some hot-water springs, admirably adapted 
to the requirements of first-class baths and 
wash-houses.* 

Sad Sights. A dead wall. Poor thing ! 
Enlivened it at once with pictorial advertise- 
ment. Applications for space to be made to 
me, per agent. 

Commercial Possibilities of the North Pole. 
" What shall we do now P " asked my com- 
panion, staring blankly at the other side of 
the North Pole not yet used for advertise- 
ment purposes. " Scratch a Pole," I replied, 
briskly. Which we did : carving our names 
on it, and appropriating it. (And here, let 
me say, in view of any association being 
launched, that I hold the concession, and 

* Have established Club here, with all modern 
appliances. 



shall expect to be managing director.) So 
far as I am able to judge, the ice surround- 
ing the Pole is rich in gold, rubies, emeralds, 
and other precious stones. Tobacco could 
be profitably grown with the assistance of 
my new patent process. Oyster beds might 
be laid out, and the bivalves exported to 
England ready frozen. The spot, on ac- 
count of its central position, is admirably 
suited to colonists, as it is equally ac- 
cessible from all parts of Europe, Asia, 
Africa, and America. As the soil has never 
been tilled, it is ripe for experiments in 
scientific farming. The climate is dry and 
bracing. There are natural advantages in 
the place that would be of the greatest 
possible service in establishing an ice manu- 
factory on the largest scale imaginable. As 
there are no railways omnibuses, nor cabs, 
there are naturally openings for all these in- 
dustries. Splendid site for golf-ground, aid 
promising career open to young man with small 
capital ready to accept position as foreman of 
works, tax collector, county councillor, tram- 
way director, balloonist, bank manager, ad- 
jutant of volunteers, county court registrar, 
inspector of hoardings, &c., &c. 

N.B. Should the Tussaud Wax-work people 
want a model of it (the real pole cannot be 
moved, at present, without creating con- 
siderable disturbance), I shall be happy to 
make arrangements for supplying them 
with an exact reproduction, on certain fair 
terms. 

In conclusion, I oeg to state that should 
anyone doubt my assertions there is a very 
simple way of testing their accuracy. Those 
who do not believe what I say about the 
North Pole can judge for themselves by 
going there and seeing it ! There is no 
charge for admission, and the direction for 
the road is "as straight as you can go, and 
then turn sharply to the left. 



94 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[FEBBUAKT 22, 1896. 




Distinguished Art Connoisseur and Colltclor who has obtained permission to see over "The 
Moat" Fenshire) stopping before a portrait in the hall. " AH I SIR JOSHUA, OF COURSE ?" 

Lodge Keeper's Wife (bridling}. "SiR JOSHUA, INDEED! THERE AIN'T NO JOSHUAS IN 
THK FAM'LY 1 THAT 's 'is PRESENT LORDSHIP'S GRRAT-ORANDFATHER, THE FOURTH HRARL 

O' FlTZ-BATTLEAXE 1 " 



FAME. 

["The following special cable message appears 
in to-day's issue of the London edition of the 
Johannesburg Standard and Diggers' News, a paper 
said to be conducted in the interests of the Boer 
Government: 'AUSTIN'S poem caused much 
amusement.' " Daily Graphic, February 6.] 

January 11. Have surpassed myself. No 
more verses to flowers and such feeble things. 
" Arma virumque cano." That shall be my 
style for the future. This poem certainly 
does look uncommonly well in the largest type 
in the Times. SWINBURNE and the others 
don't get their poor efforts printed like that. 
Remember that RUDYABD KIPLING once had 
some verses published in the same type. 



Eheu! Helas ! so he did. But nobody could 
understand them. Now I use, and, by using, 
glorify, ordinary words such as " addle their 
pates/' What would my predecessor, A. T., 
have thought of that P But then he did not 
sound a clarion blast to rouse the patriotism 
of his country. I will be fortiter, no longer 
suaviter, in mode. Shall give up cultivating 
snowdrops. The onion is a nobler and stronger 
bulb. 

January 15. Immense enthusiasm at the 
Alhambra where my poem is recited. Not 
the Alhambra in Spain. The other one. This 
is indeed fame. A. T. never had anything 
recited at the Alhambra. Come to that, 
SWINBURNE and the others never had such 
luck either. Not evea ERIC MACKAT I Won't 



they all be green with envy ? And won't the 
enemies of England tremble ? Don't talk of a 
strong navy. What England wants is a strong 
laureate. And she's got him! By Jove! 
Time I brought in some Latin. Almost for- 
got it. Indispensable to my prose style. 

Nolumus pugnare, 

Sed, Jingo, si facimus, 

Habemus homines, habemus laureatum, 

Habemus atque pecuniam. 

These lines are not intended to be scanned, 
but to be sung. Perhaps they will do for the 
Empire. Ah, noble name I London Empire 
suggests British Empire. Civis Britannicus 
sum, ego laureatus. Have dug up all my 
Batch bulbs. Shall cultivate only roses, 
shamrocks, and thistles. 

February 1. Don't seem to read much 
about that poem in the newspapers. But at 
least it has checked the boldness of England's 
enemies. They are silenced. HOMEK himself 
could have done no more. As for DANTE or 

SHAKBPEARE However. " de mortuis nil 

nisi bonum." Roses are all very well, but 
shamrocks and thistle s will make a poor show. 
Shall cover all available space with geraniums 
of the brightest scarlet, the military colour. 

February 14. Someone has sent me a cut- 
ting from the London edition of the Johan- 
nesburg Standard and Diggers' News of last 
week, evidently as a valentine. At last I 
shall know the result of my poem. Of course 
the Boers are disheartened, hopeless, crushed. 
[ and the Alhambra have done that. Begin 
to feel some pity for them, as for a snail 
smashed beneath my foot. But they are, 
poetically at least. Ens-land's enemies, and 
I am her Laureate. Miserable men ! Let 
them perish in the ignominy to which I have 
deservedly consigned them. Now I will read 
this cutting. It savs " AUSTIN'S poem caused 
much amusement." What ! They laughed ? 
Oh heavens ! O dii immortales ! ye gods 1 
Perhaps others have laughed at it. Even 
my ungrateful countrymen 1 Even the fre- 
quenters of the music halls I Even, worst of 
all, SWINBURNE and the others! Begin to 
rhink I will never write any more patriotic 
poems. Onl v they do look so nic s in that large 
type in the Times. For the present in seclusion 
f will cultivate thebashful violet, " sub ttgmine 
fagi" or quercus, or ulmi, or anything else 
that will hide my eonfuf ion and my blushes. 



" BIBDIE." 

WHAT does little Birdie say 

In her nest at break of day ? 

" Five thousand pounds he 's had to pay, 

The Gaiety will be more gay." 



'ARRY AN' OOM PAUL. 

First 'Arry.l sy, i that chap KBTJGER 
comes over, you '11 give 'im a welcome, eh ? 

Second 'Arry. 'Course I will I Asa true 
Brittun I should 'old out my fin to 'im and 

, "01* man! give us your 'and!" ("Your 
' " was 'Arry's meanin'.) 



FROM H-LY TO S-XT-N. 

[Mr. HEALY has written to Mr. SEXTON asking 
him to take the Leadership of the Irish Party, and 
he (Tin H.) will efface himself or retire.] 

I DO not feel quite merry myself, 
So preach to you a text on ; 

See here ! I '11 help to bury myself 
If you will be Chief Sexton. 



HAD ENOUGH OF BEING " HECKLJD." An 

unsuccessful Parliamentary candidate being 
recommended a northern voyage for change 
of air, refused to land in Iceland because he 
had been informed he should there come 
across the original Heckla. 



FEBRUARY 22, 1896.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



95 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE WOTTNDBD GALLANT TO~THEJ"WILFUL 
PEDESTRIAN. 

THB rain has never ceased to fall 

On roof and tree with weirdfuljwash'; 
For " gamps and gaiters " there's a call, 

For waterproof and mackintosh. 
Your little brodequin 's fain to hide 

Its shape within the grim golosh, 
Those armour-plated hoofs beside 

That on the sodden gravel t quash. 

I 've done my best ; I 've pointed ont 

The folly of this tearfnl trip, 
And shown how it must end in ront, 

Defeated by this doleful drip. 
And yet your friend must have his tramp 

Through weary wastes of woeful wet, 
Unmindful of the twinge of Cramp, 

Or Rheumatism's sharp regret. 



There may be reason for this oraze 

Of plodding 'neath a weeping sky ! 
There may be hope within the naze 

That hides a sun of by-and-by 1 
I ask'd you not to go you went. 

With oroken limb I bear the smart. 
Should you redeem the love you lent, 

You will not cause a broken heart. 

If draggled, colourless to see, 

Back from this ramble you return, 
I will all self-denying be, 

Perchance your gratitude to earn. 
I could not without bitter pain 

Forswear the portrait that I drew ; 
So. till you 'ye made yourself again, 

I vow I will not look at you ! 



THE TUBN OF THB "TIED." The revolt 
of the publicans against the brewers. A new 
version of the old Queen's Theatre drama. 



"NANSEN." 
(Old Chorus to "I would I were with Nancy" 

adapted.) 
I WOULD I were with NANSEN, 

Idol I do.! 
On the frozen shore 
For a minute or more 
I 'd like to be with NANSEN ! 
At the Pole ! 
On the whole 
I'm glad I 'm not with NANSEN ! 



THE BEST ABBITBATOB FOU THE VENE- 
ZUELA QUESTION. Mr. "W. G. GBACE, the 
champion cricketer. He knows the duties 
of an umpire, and is sure to make "a 
boundary hit." 



NEW NAME FOR HIM. Done-Raven. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIAEY OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Tuesday, February 11. Quite a crowd of 
new Members to take oath and teat on this our opening dav. Some 
are fruits of General Election. Might have come up in July last, 
but for various reasons deferred the ceremony. Honest MICHAEL 
DAVITT was in Australia when two Irish constituencies competed for 
honour of his hand. 

" Reminds me," said JAMES BBTCE, "!of the seven cities struggling 
for honour of being the birthplace of him whom ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS 
once alluded to as ' our old friend HOMES.' 

Smyrna, Chios, Colophon, Salamis, Rhodoa, Argos, Athens, 
Orbis de patria certat, Homere, tua." 

Pietty to see the Bashful BABTLEY blushing his way towards the 
table. If he had his own will, would like quietly to slip in before 
House meets, kiss the book, and sign the Roll when no one was 
looking. It was this insurmountable shyness that kept him back 
from joining throng sworn- in in July. Came down more than once 
with intention of getting the ordeal over. But something ever 
intervened the twittering of a sparrow, the roll of a cab wheel, the 
July sunlight nickering across fettering on collar of policeman by 
Members' entrance. Small things unaccountable to ordinary 
adamantine natures. 

" BABTLBY," as Cap' en TOMMY BOWLES simetimes says, with a 
tremor in his voice, is altogether misplaced. He ought to have 
come up as a cowslip, or 
looked from afar on a tur- 
bulent world through the 
blue eyes of a violet." 

To-day he long hovered 
on outskirts of group press- 
ing forward to take oath. 
They wanted to make room 
for him as an old Member. 
He shrank further and fur- 
ther under friendly shadow 
of gallery. Only for prompt 
action on part of Private 
HANBUBY, who arrested his 
fleeting footstep, he would 
have gone buck to Victoria 
Street and deposited him- 
self in the Penny Savings 
Bank. 

Very differenttbebearing 
ud carriage of WILLIAM 
EDWABD HABTPOLELECKY, 
M.A. Coming in at bye- 
election, he was introduced 
in due form by CABSON, 
Q.C., and WALBOND, both 
men of inches. Historian 
of Eighteenth Century 
towered above them as the 
Century t itself o'ertops its 
younger brethren. Lofty 
stature, like reading and 
writing, comes by nature. 
What entranced the House 
was the the lithe, graceful, 




forward movement, the light poising of his credentials between 
forefinger and thumb, the smile that beamed alike upon the just and 
the unjust, the mien as deferential to the messenger behind the 
Speaker's chair as to its august occupant. 

SABK much affected. "Glad," he said, mopping his eyes, "to 
have lived to see this day. Do you remember what CHABLES 
DICKENS wrote of another very gentlemanly man,' who lived in 
the neighbourhood of Bleak House ? ' He was not like youth ; 
he was not like age ; he was not like anything in the world but 
a model of Deportment.' LECKY comes here with the weiarht of 
reputation established outside which broke down JOHN STUART 
MILL, and has killed some other great men. That is bad enough. 
But the author of The History of the Rise and Influence of the Spirit 
of Rationalism in Europe will have to live up to his first walk down 
the floor of the House. He '11 find that the hardest task of all." 

Business done. Address moved. 

Thursday. Troublous times just now for our TINY TIM. As 
everyone knows, pur TIM'S natural impulse, like that of his proto- 
type in the Christmas Carol, is to utter and live up to the pious 
exclamation, " God bless us everyone." 

" Somehow," it is written in the Christmas Carol, " Tiny Tim 
gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest 
things you ever heard." 

Exigencies of hour compel our TIM to sit alone, usually at 
corner seat of third bench below gangway. His benevolent 
aspirations, his universal blessing, have not precisely the 
effect that might be expected. Not to put too fine a point 

upon it, his relations with 
his compatriots are a little 
strained. JOHN DILLON 
does not love JOHN RED- 
MOND ; JOHN REDMOND, 
his heart bleeding with 
sympathy for Ireland, 
would like to punoh JOHN 
DILLON'S head. They are 
united in detestation of 
TINY TIM. Thus he sits 
apart and thinks strange, 
sad things. 

For a while yesterday his 
heart glowed within him. 
DILLON had moved an 
amendment to Address, 
censuring Government for 
omitting Home Rule Bill 
f rom modest list of measures 
announced in Queen's 
Speech. Home Rule, as 
the world knows, is the 
desire of the heart of every 
true Irishman. For it 
patriots have given up 
everything, to go and live 
in London, joining what is 
modestly described as its 
best club. Personal dif- 
ferences' have" unhappily 
arisen. TIM deplores them 
with almost passionate re- 



gret. 



Some LECKY -daisical' attitudes ! 



Why cannot we," he 



96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 22, 1896. 



said, only this afternoon, "dwell together in unity, bearing and 
forbearing ? " 

When he saw JOHN REDMOND rise to second JOHN DILLON'S 
amendment his heart swelled within him. Tears dimmed his 
spectacles ; a gasp of grateful emotion was audible, even across the 
House. Here was the seed he had planted growing up in the stoniest 
of places. For Ireland's sake, JOHN REDMOND was ready to sink 
personal considerations, and play second fiddle to JOHN DILLON. 
Even whilst TIM was wiping 
his glasses, as a preliminary 
to mastering his emotion. 
JOHN REDMOND shattered 
all his pleased hopes. 
DILLON, he said in harsh 
voice, had by a manoeuvre 
dislodged him from his 
place of precedence. He 
had intended to move a 
Home Rule Amendment, 
and so show Ireland who 
was her true friend. DIL- 
LON had craftily got in 
ahead of him, and not only 
forestalled his amendment, 
but threatened to burke 
his speech. 

Only one way to avoid 
latter sacrifice. He would 
second amendment, and so 
reel off speech. First, how- 
ever, he would, like the 
Baboo, expose JOHN DIL- 
LON'S cui bono in all its 
hideous nakedness. This 
he did, and incidentally 
went on to show how peace- 
ful, prosperous, and con- 
tented Ireland would be if 



Here the voice of TINT TIM shrilly piped, " Of coercion.' 
" of representation in this House, PRINCE ARTHUR proceeded, 
preferring to conclude his own sentence. But TIM was in first, and 
would have upset the equanimity and spoiled the speech of a less 
practised debater. 
Some comfort found in these little explosions. Ever 



re- 




mains the abiding sorrow of seeing Ireland suffer whilst patriots 
pull each other's hair. 

"They have their quar- 
rel," says TIM sadly, "and 
Knsrland has our estate. 

Business done. First 
division in new Parliament. 
H^me Rule Amendment 
negatived by 276 votes 
against 160. 

Friday. Still twanging 
Irish harp when not beat- 
ing the Transvaal drum. 
To-night both on. COUHT- 
NEY volunteered little vocal 
music by way of change. 
" If the Transvaal Boers." 
he said, "had raised the 
sixty-eighth Psalm in cele- 
bration of their victory, I, 
for one, would have been 
ready to join in the 
chorus." 

Not usually "a chorus at- 
tached to a Psalm, but that 
a detail. Selah. 

When KRUGER comes 
over.** he and COURTNEY 
should give us a stave. If 
JOUBBRT accompanies the 
President, make it a trio. 

Not sure that KRUGER 's 
coming. DON JOSE got his 
back up by undertaking to 
govern Transvaal as well 
as th'e Cabinet. "In 
says Sir 



HARDLY DE-CHORUS ! 



its home government were 
entrusted to him and his 
loved colleagues. 

TINY TIM'S depression at 

this turn of affairs equalled " If the Boers of the Transvaal had raieed the 68th Psalm in celebration of their victory, T, earlier life," 
only by the generous exul- f r one i would have been ready to join in the chorus (sic!)." Mr. Leonard Courtney, Feb. 13. WALTER FOSTER", Bart., 
tation with which he had M.D., "DON JOSE and I 

observed what he had thought was the burning of private feuds on used to work together in happy Birmingham. Glad enough of my 
the altar of the country. Now he sat thoughtful, isolated in his advice in those days. Would have been better off if he had sought 
corner seat, "thinking the strangest things you ever heard." The it in these. It doesn't require man of my professional eminence and 
House was, however, privileged to hear them. The sight of PRINCE experience to perceive the fatal flaw underlying his despatching that 
ARTHUR on his legs discoursing about Ireland ever makes TIM i dose of Home Rule for Transvaal. Suppose aJLondon doctor were, 
articulate. Still more exhilarating is the spectacled DON JOSE, uninvited, to send A * 



d to one of my patients at Edgbaston a phial of 
' To be taken internally.' Would he swallow it ? 



quiet, strong, master of himself and his subject. To-night, whilst medicine marked 

these two spoke, TIM dropped a running and occasionally embarrass- Certainly not. He 'd reply, ' You be blowed. You 're not my 
ing commentary. Once PRINCE ARTHUR had launched into lofty i doctor.' Transvaal case and DON JOSE'S Home Rule panacea on all 

1 fours with this. Natural consequences have followed. DON JOSE a 
clever man ; but he will see he would do well when making new 



passage descriptive of benefits conferred by Parliament on Ireland. 

" We give to the Irish race living within our jurisdiction every 
privilege we ask for ourselves. We give them not merely their 
share, but more than their share " 



friends not to ignore his old counsellors." 
Business done. Much talk round Addreis. 



UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. 

(A Vision of the Near Future.) 

THE proceedings at yesterday's congrega- 
tion were of an unusually protracted nature, 
as nearly all the lady M. A.'s now in residence 
addressed the Senate at some length. Miss 
BELLE, of Girton, suggested that a change 
should be made in the colour of the university 
hoods. Fur, she remarked, was altogether 
unsuitable and unfashionable in the summer 
months, and white silk by no means suited 
everyone. She would suggest that entire 
freedom should be given to graduates or, 
at least, to lady- graduates to select the 
colours and materials that would harmonise 
best with their dresses. It was ultimately 
decided that a Syndicate should obtain patterns 
from Messrs. LIBERTY, and report to the 
Senate on the subject, 

Miss HOMESPUN brought forward a " grace " 
for the appointment of an University Profes- 
sor of Needlework, at a salary of 1000. It 
has been urged, she said, that the result rf 
the higher education of women was to unfit 
them for domestic duties. In order to refute 



this, it would be an excellent plan to endow 
a Professorship for teaching this most useful 
accomplishment. She was aware that the 
post would be an onerous one, and she there- 
fore proposed to occupy it herself. The grace, 
however, was "non-placeted" by 345 votestol. 

One of the Fellows of Girton called the 
attention of the Senate to a gross neglect of 
his duty on the part of one of the Proctors. 
An undergraduate of her college had caused 
great disturbance by holding ex&emely rowdy 
" Cocoas" in her room ; and when rebuked 
for her misconduct, had called the speaker 
" an old cat." She had referred the matter 
to the Proctor, requesting him to fine the 
delinquent heavily ; but he had taken abso- 
lutely no notice of her letter. The reason of 
this misplaced leniency she had just dis- 
covered ; the Proctor, she blushed to say, was 
engaged to the young lady in question. ( Cries 
of" Shame! 1 ' and great uproar.) 

The Proctor explained that, together with 
all his colleagues, he wished to resign his 
oil ice. His work had been difficult enough 
before, but now that ladies had become 
members of the University, it was impossible 
to perform it. To have to deal with crowds ' 



of abominable girls (" Oh /"), who only 
giggled when he asked their name and college, 
was absolutely maddening. (Derisive cheers.) 

The Senior Dean of JSewnham pointed out 
tnat all the best buildings in the University 
were, quite unjustly, allotted to the men. 
This anomaly must be removed. She would 
allow the Trinity men to remain undisturbed 
for the present. (Applause fromDr. BUTLER.) 
But Newnham must have a worthier abode 
than its present one. On the whole, she 
thought that Clare College would suit them 
very nicely. She, therefore, proposed that 
the Newnham students should be transferred 
to Clare, and that the Clare men should live 
in Newnham for the future. 

The Tutor of Clare remarked that the Dean 
of Newnham might try to evict him and his 
College as soon as they pleased. He would 
only add that they had a fire-engine of con- 
siderable power, and (Uproar.) 

As itwas nearly tea-time, the Senate shortly 
afterwards adjourned. 



WHERE WRIGHT WAS NOT MIGHT. In the 
trial of the Haggerston Election Petition. 



FEBRUARY 29, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



97 



THE QUICK-STEP OF THE LAW IN 
THE COMING BY-AND-BY. 

["The Counsel of the Plaintiff was 
about to tell his Lordship the history of 
the case, when the Judge said he was 
familiar with the whole of it." 

Daily Paper.] 

SCENE A Court of Justice. Usual 
accessories. Judge on the Bench. 
Barristers facing him. Solicitors 
in the Well, seated next Litigants. 
Jury in their box, and Witnesses 
in waiting. 

Leader for the Plaintiff. And now, 
my Lord, if your Lordship pleases, I 
wUl give you a brief history 

Judge (interrupting). No, thanks. 
I know all about it. 

Leader for the Plaintiff. Well, I 
will proceed to examine my client, 
who has already been sworn. . 

Judge. Thanks. Quite unnecessary. 
I will examine him myself. [Does so. 

Leader for the Pontiff. I will 
now proceed to call other witnesses. 

Judge (interrupting). Better leave 
them to me. I will dispose of them 
in next to DO time. [Does so. 

Leader for the Defendant. And 
now, my Lord, I will open the case 
for . 

Judge. Quite unnecessary. I know 
all you propose to say. 

Leader for the Defendant. Then 
I will call my witnesses. 

Judge. I shall follow the practice I 
have established on the other side, and 
look after them myself. [Does so. 

Leader for the Defendant. With 
your Lordship's permission, I will sum 
up the case in defence of my client. 

Judge. Thanks, no. I can do that 
for you. 

Leader for the Plaintiff. And I 
for my client, if your Lordship 
pleases, will 




SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. 

"OH YES, I KNOW I MUST EAT IF I WANT TO GKOW 
HEALTHY, AND BIG, AND STRONG. NOW I SUPPOSE YOU WERE 
ABLE TO LEAVE OFF EATING LONG AGO, AUNT PHILLIDA 1 " 



Judge (interrupting). Sum up the 
whole case P Thanks, no. I can do 
it for you as easily as for your learned 
friend. [Does so. 

Foreman of the Jury. And now, 
my Lord, are we to give our verdict '( 

Judge. Well, you can if you like ; 
but I really think you had better 
leave it to me, as I know much more 
about it than you do. 

Foreman of the Jury. As your 
Lordship pleases. 

Judge. That's right. Verdict for 
the plaintiff. Damages fifty pounds, 
and costs. 

Leader s(protesting). Really, really, 
my Lord, we are not accustomed 
to . 

Judge (interrupting). Bat I am! 
Call the next case. 

[Hurried business, and quick 
Curtain. 



NONB BUT THE SLAVE DESERVES 

THE FARE. At the meeting of the 
Metropolitan District Railway Com- 
pany, Mr. FORBES, the chairman, 
complained that prosperous tradesmen 
used workmen's trains and paid only 
one penny instead of twice or thrice 
as much. Of course, these well-to- 
do merchants ought to be "punched" 
at the barriers, and the bond fide 
working men stamped M. D. R. or 
Men Deserving Relief. 

A REALLY WONDERFUL PIG. The 
Paris Correspondent of the Daily 
Telegraph states that Monsieur Co- 
chon t a nighly intelligent pig in the 
Mardigrat ; cavalcade, "had a quizzi- 
cal expression on its snout as it looked 
down on the crowd from the char- 
cuterie oar." Of course, Monsieur 
Cochon must have turned up his 
nose at the spectators in order to get 
any expression out of it. 



"GLORIOUS, BY JINGO!" 

SCENE The Metropolis of a Mighty Umpire. Enter First and 
Second Citizen. 

First Citizen. Glorious news, isn't it ? 

Second Citizen. Magnificent! Never heard anything to equal it 
in my life ! 

First Cit. doing to have the biggest fleet ever seen costing 
millions ! 

Second Cit. Yes; and an army that will go anywhere, and do 
anything costing so much more. 

First Cit. And the volunteers to have as much cash as they like ! 

Second Cit. And the militia and yeomanry to have more than they 
care for I 

First Cit. Why, we shall make the whole world envy us with our 
new forts, and new guns, and new coaling-stations ! 

Second Cit. Yes ; we shall put ourselves outside competition ! 

First Cit. And absolutely negative criticism 1 

Second Cit. Fire guns all day costing about 200 a discharge I 

First Cit. And send out any number of squadrons under full 
steam at so much per ton for coals I 

Second Cit. Fortunately, we are going to have a big surplus I 

First Cit. Not that that will go very far! No, we must just 
absorb it with a view to increased expenditure I 

Second Cit. Quite so. What I say is confound the expense ! 

First Cit. To which I respond, down with the Income Tax ! 

Second Cit. What if we have to pay tenpence in the pound ? 

First Cit. Or even if it comes to that even two hundred and 
forty. 

Second Cit. So rule Britannia ! 

First Cit. And there 's no dearer place than home I 
[They stimulate one another with a forced cheer, and exeunt 
recklessly. 

PKOBABLE. On his way to the pole Dr. NANSEN may have come 
across the traces of other expeditions. 



QUEER QUERIES. 

RABIETIC. What is the best way of putting a muzzle on a very 
athletic and rather bad-tempered bull-dog ? I have tried to do it 
while he was (apparently) fast asleep, and narrowly escaped from the 
apartment with my life. Chloroform is of no use, as the brute will 
not allow it to be placed anywhere near his nose, and a strong solu- 
tion of it inserted in the garden syringe and squirted over him 
through a window only makes him savage. Shall be glad of any 
hints also to know cost of a journey to PASTEUR'S establishment in 
Paris. LOVER OF DOGS. 

HUSBAND AND WIFE. Owing to some small domestic misunder- 
standings, my wife has obtained (1) a protection order against me, 
(2) a judicial separation, (3) maintenance at two pounds a week, 
(4) and custody of a favourite parrot. I feel doubtful whether under 
the new Act I have the right to go on living in my own house. Will 
somebody kindly explain the Act, and also tell me how I am to give 
two pounds a week out of an income of thirty shillings ? ANGEL is 
THB HOUSE. 

ADVICE GRATIS. A house-agent has let my furnished house for 
me, and now has the assurance to claim a commission I Am I bound 
to pay this monstrous demand ? I am glad and proud to say that I 
have not signed any agreement to pay it. The man says he has taken a 
great deal of trouble over the letting, and no doubt he has. But hav- 
ing signed nothing, surely I am not legally liable ? GENEROUS SOUL. 

MORE HISTORICAL DOUBTS. We have a beastly history lesson 
twice a week, and I want to know, please, who was "the Electric 
SOPHIA," and why was she called oy that name ? I asked my 
master, who only laughed, and said he " supposed it was because 
she had a magnetic personality," but I don't know what on earth he 
meant. She comes in every lesson, and all the form laughs at me 
when I mention her. So please let me know about her soon. 

JONES MINIMUS. 

MOITO ITOK AN IMPECUNIOUS FOOTBALL CLUB, " More kicks than 
halfpence." 



VOI.. 01. 



98 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 29, 1896. 




"NURSE BRUIN." 

' WHAT A SPIRIT HE HAS I DEAR LITTLE CHAP I INTEBFKBE WITH HIM, INDEED ; NOT WHILE HIS OLD NANA is HERB. 



FEBRUARY 29, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



99 




A RESULT OF THE OPEN SEASON. 

Biker (to his hunting friend). "I SAY, OLD CHAP, THAT NAG OF YOURS IOOKS RATHER DEFLATED LET ME LEND YOU MY PUMP." 



PUNCH'S PLEA FOR THE WHITE-PLUMED 
HERONS. 

(An Appeal to all English Ladies with 
Pitiful Hearts.) 

44 BUTCHERED to make a Roman holiday," 

That roused bard anger in indignant metre 
Butchered to make a lady's bonnet gay ! 
Sounds that much sweeter ? 

Little white heron, with the shoulder plume 
Which stirs the milliner's remorseless pas- 
sion, 

You guess not how your finery seals your 
dx>m 

At beck of Fashion. 
The little egret's nuptial plumes are sought 

Above all other feathers by EVE'S daughter, 
And hence the heronry with woe is franght, 
A scene of slaughter. 

Poor, pretty, bridal-plumed, nest-loyal birds, 
At breeding-time alone you grow gre- 
garious. 

The hunter comes, and scenes too sad for words 
Grieve e'en the hilarious. 

The mothers hovering near their helpless 

brood, 

Are shot in hundreds ; Mi j such easy killing I 
The plumelets are plucked out, since they are 
good 

For many a shilling. 

The young birds starve, whilst, festering in 

white heaps, 
Their displumed parents lie in ecores about 

them. 

When men fay at the thought their chill 
blood creeps, 

Will ladies doubt them ? 



Male thralls of Mammon cb the murderous 

deed, 

But if the slaves of Mode could feel com- 
passion, 

Young herons need not starve, nor old ones 
bleed. 

To follow Fashion ! 

The heronries are fast destroyed, 'tis said, 

The pretty egrets fast exterminated. 
It E earns a pity ! Betwixt Mode and Trade 
Are the birds fated ? 

Nay, lovely woman, prithee just say 4I Nay " 

In mere humanity and love of beauty ! 
Punch loves the sex, and to his pets would 
pray, 

44 Dears do your duty ! " 

CABEFUL REVISION. In Chicago, the Board 
of Education has adopted a * 4 revised version' 1 
of the Bible. Some of the Psalms of David 
wanted, they thought, cutting ; so they cut 
them. They've cut "A little bit here, and 
a little bit there," 44 Here a bit, and there 
a bit, and everywhere a bit," as the old 
song has it. But, when editing and revising 
the Bible, why not omit the two versions of 
the Decalogue? That omission would suit 
a vast number of worthy people. 



NEW MOTTO FOB THE MUSSULMAN. There 
is no good in the European Concert, and the 
Sultan 's its profit 1 



CANNING'S COUPLET BEMODEIJ.ED. 
I \ matters of contest the charm of the Dutch 
Is/orgiving a little, and asking not much. 



THE MILLINER MUSE. 
(A Recipe.) 

CUT prose, just like mohair or tilk, into 

snippets, 

And end them with tags, like boot-laces ; 
Bespangle with tropes, like glass-beads on 

girls' 44 tippets," 

To please the new Muses and Graces : 
Finish off with smart tassels, called com- 
monly rhymes, 
For antiphonetical tinkling ; 
And, with shoddy that sparkles and nonsense 

that chimes. 
You '11 be hailed a new bard in a twinkling. 



PATRIOTIC TOAST. 

British Tar sings : 

BRITANNIA still sea-rule enjoys, 

Despite rude Ger-ma-ny I 
Here ' to her Flying Squadron, boys ! 

And may it never fly I 



THE CCJBSE OF CHEAPNESS. These ate 
terribly subversive times I What price any- 
thing f or anybody ? " Penny Poets " were 
bad enough, though they have sometimes 
been quoted as low as ''tuppenny-half- 
penny,'' to be sure. But now some radical 
revolutionary advertises a 44 Shilling Peer- 
age" I This is tbe most daring attack upon 
the House of Lords we have yet heard of. 
The next novelty we suppose will be 
"Sixpenny Sovereigns" or 44 Farthing 
Crowns." 



100 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 29, 1896. 



" Taking the Sh(r)ine out 
of Him." 

[" I suppose I must begin what 
I have to say by laying a chaplet 
.... on the opulent shrine of the 
Colonial Secretary." Vide Lord 
Hatchery's Speech in Houss of 
Lords, February 11.] 

The Eight Hon. J-s-ph 

Ch-mb-rl-n loq.: 
ALTHOUGH I 'm a thundering 

kind of a chap 
I agree not with canonisa- 
tion": 
Were I only a saint I 'd be not 

worth a rap 

In this cycle of civilisation. 
That's why I don't care for 

that metaphor rare- 
No, I can't like that "opu- 
lent shrine'' a bit. 
Bat cut out the "r" and you '11 

find me " all there," 
For I think I can ''opulent 
shine " a bit 1 



"UNIVERSITY. INTELLI- 
GENCE." (Extract from letter 
written by Undergraduate 
Member of Literary Society 
to learned friend.) I hear 
that I am going to be asked by 
the committee to read an essay 
on "Keats." Can you tell 
me ... what are "Keats"? 
Yours ever, SAMMY. 

NOTTO BE TOO RlGG-OBOUSLY 

TAKEN. Of course (d propos 
of some recent letters in the 
Times), the reverend gentle- 
man is not a "Vessel of 
Wrath," but, being a vessel, 
his detractors might say of 
him, in nautical fashion, that 
" he is rather a queer Rigg." 




HE HAD SUCCEEDED. 



A. "OH, I SAT, THAT BKETCH YOU DID OF MB IN THE DAILY NsATOR 
MADE MB LOOK THE SOKT OF CONCEITED ASS ONB WOULD LIKB TO KICK 1" 

B. "You THINK so? AND I WAS AFRAID I HAD QUITE FAILED TO 

CATCH THE CHARACTER I " 



HAPPY PAIR. 

[" A marriage was ' solem- 
nised,' by special licence, before 
Sheriff BROWN, but the 'happy 
pair ' had a long wait in the 
Sheriff Court until his lordship 
disposed of a ' criminal case ' ! " 
The Aberdeen Daily Free Press.] 

EBEU, fugaces! Now Hy- 
men's kept waiting, 
The conjugal knot can't be 

tied. 
"Antic the law" must, by 

dint of debating, 
A criminal case first decide. 

IS Envoi, 

How queer a commencement! 
Yet, "happy pair," 
pause, 
And ponder the terrible 

thought: 
Sjme day before J(e)une, in a 

different cause, 
Again you may wait for the 
CmrtI 



A TEETOTALER'S SPIRIT. 
During recent breach - of - 
promise trial, plaintiff, a bar- 
maid, examined by member of 
legal, not drinking, Bar, said 
that defendant "never drank 
spirits at all.' ' * ' Then," asked 
the Judge, "what did he 
drink?" " Scotch, whisky," 
promptly answered Barmaiden. 
So this is good news for tee- 
totalers. " Scotch whisky is 
not reckoned among spirits." 
But isn't it rather a cruel 
revelation to the whisky 
drinker ? 



THE POET LAUREATE'S 
LINES." 'Alf Measures." 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

A HOLIDAY HORROR 

I AM about to narrate one of the most afflicting tragedies that have 
ever come to my knowledge, a tragedy that is in very truth a 
tragedy, for it moves pity and terror, purges the emotions by them 
and that I have always understood to be the genuine mark of a 
tragedy. It happened during the last Christmas holidays, but a 
very natural desire on the part of those concerned that their reputa- 
tions might not suffer, kept the story from their intimates and from the 
world. It was revealed to me under a pledge of profound secrecy. 
As, however, no good purpose can be served by keeping this pledge, 
I have no scruples whatever about breaking it. Indeed, I have 
always been of the opinion that such pledges were exacted merely 
in order that they might be promptly broken. If, for instance, a 
secret is revealed to me in an ordinary commonplace way with no 
special attempt to enhance mystery by binding me to a complete 
silence, I go on my way and forget all about it the next minute. 
But if on the other hand I am bound to silence by strange oaths, if I 
am assured that the character of orphans, or the peace of mind of 
widows depends upon my observing secrecy why then the load 
becomes too heavy to be borne, my shoulders resent the unac- 
customed weight, and I go about groaning until I can obtain ease by 
sharing it with others. This I shall now do. 

WHEN REGGIE BARKWORTH came home for his Christmas holidays, 
he was received in the parental mansion in London with the usual 
demonstrations of chastened joy. REGGIE is at present serving his 
country on board H. M.S. Britannia, qualifying for the Admiral's 
uniform, with which the imagination of his fond mother has already 
invested him. He is a boy of high spirits, full of mischief and 
pranks as a boy should be, and the question of entertaining him, 
keeping him occupied, and diverting his energies from monkey- 
tncks, assumes a considerable importance in an otherwise quiet 
household. I need not go through the list of all the pantomimes, 
entertainments, and amusements, to which REGGIE was consigned in 
tne charge of his various relatives, each of whom was told off in turn 



for a spell of Reggie-duty. Sometimes, however, the stock of guar- 
dians ran dry for the moment, and REGGIE had to be sent off alone, 
or in the company of any shipmates whom he might have gathered 
round him. On an occasion of this sort, he sallied forth one 
fatal day, with four others like unto himself, and visited a certain 
Hall of Amusement. He had received the usual injunctions as to 
the punctuality of his home-coming, and a reasonable amount of 
money, strictly apportioned to his needs, had been allotted to him. 
In due time these five budding sailors invaded the Hall. After 
feasting on many marvels, listening to songs, observing dances in a 
properly critical spirit, and gazing with breathless interest at 
spangled acrobats, they found themselves in a recess dedicated to 
the performances of an army of industrious fleas, in charge of a 
skilled and voluble educator. The entertainment was in full swing, 
but the spectators were not very numerous, and the youngsters 
were therefore able to obtain front places at the table on which the 
tricks were proceeding. 

"Tms here," said the educator, a melancholy man, seemingly 
overweighted with his responsibilities: "this here in the front is 
Caradoc, the champion flea of the world. I ketched him young, off 
of a ducal establishment in the Midlands, and spent a year learnin 
him all his accomplishments. He is a flea of very deteimined 
character, strictly honnerble in all his dealin's ; but he has a warm 
heart, and shows remarkable affection. Caradoc" this to the flea 
" do not champ your bit so ; I can't have you a pawin' the ground 
like this ; beyave yourself like an aristocrat, and be quiet till I tell 
you to move. Ladies and gentlemen, Caradoc will now draw the 
state coach four times round the arena. Then, raisin' hisself on his 
hind legs, he will bow three times, salutin' the company. On the 
box of the coach you will observe Charleymang and Wellington, 
two fleas specially selected for their knowledge of 'oases and power of 
drivin' safe through a crowd of traffic. The flea inside the caach, 
sittin' in state, is the Queen of the Sandwich Islands. She is a lazy 
flea, but very stiff about etiquette ; will have the other fleas a bowin 
down before her, and never turnin' their backs. Now, Caradoc, you 
can start. Let the ladies and gentlemen see your fine action. Look 



FEBRUARY 29, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



101 



here, my young fellow " this was to REGGIE 
" don't you come a pushin' like that, or 
you '11 upset that 'ere bottle, and there 's a 
matter of five 'undred fleas in that bottle, all 
in strict training, and kep' from their natural 
food, so as to make 'em savage. Good 
gracious ! do he careful. There, didn't I tell 
you " 

THE expected had taken place. REGGIE 
and his companions, in their anxiety to ob- 
serve the evolutions of Caradoc, Charley- 
mang, Wellington, and the Queen of the 
Sanmvich Islands, had advanced too closely 
to the table, and with a careless sweep of his 
arm REGGIE had upset the hottle, the top of 
which, I may state, was only covered with a 
card. Five hundred hungry, savage fleas, all 
in strict training, saw their chance of liberty, 
and most of them profited by it. Never has 
there been such a hopping, such a scattering 
right andleft of agonized spectators. "There," 
said the educator, as he surveyed the ruin of 
his hopes, "you've done it this time, my boy. 
Them five 'undred fleas are half-eddicated. 
Many 's the day I spent over them, but it 's 
all wasted now, and I 'm in the Bankruptcy 
Court. Why, I refused a thousand pound 
for that there bottle of fleas only last week." 

By this time the bottle had been restored 
to its upright position and securely covered, 
but it held only a very small proportion of its 
original contents. The rest had vanished like 
a beautiful dream. REGGIE, a boy of a kindly 
disposition, was overwhelmed with grief at 
the result of his thoughtlessness. "Look 
here," he said, " I've only got a shilling, but 
if that's any use to you you shall have it." 
"A shillin'," said the educator in atone of 
scorn, "what's a shillin'? But there, I'll 
take it on account, and you can pay me the 
other nine-'undred-and-ninety-nine pounds, 
nineteen shillin's by instalments. I dessay I 
can ketch some more as time goes on. If I 
do, I '11 credit you with them." The bargain 
was struck, and REGGIE went home. 

OF course the matter did not end here. On 
the following day REGGIE returned to the 
Britannia swollen to twice his natural size. 
The room he had occupied at home was fumi- 
gated, but to no avail. It was occupied last 
week by a beautiful young lady who had 
come to stay for a dance. Her shrieks during 
the night were heartrending-, and her appear- 
ance the next day so painful that she had to 
be wrapped in cotton-wool and sent back in 
the charge of a nurse to the country vicarage 
which is her home. From the Britannia 
come rumours of a restless spirit on the part 
of the cadets which is causing serious anxiety 
to the authorities. London is at this moment 
unconsciously under the domination of several 
hundreds of fleas, just suHiciently educated 
to know their own terrible powers, but not to 
restrain them within the limits of propriety 
and good-feeling. I can see only one remedy, 
that the County Council should issue a 
muzzling order for fleas. 



UNIVERSITY COLLEGES OPEN TO WOMEN OF 
ALL DEGREES. Let us make a selection. 
There's Magdalen, Oxford, likewise Cam- 
bridge. At the former, a girl undergraduate 
may become a " Demy " if she doesn't object 
to swearing, and is not of opinion that the 
" Demy " won't become her. There's Clare 
College pretty name Clare. Likewise, 
there's St. Catherine's. Lady Bachelors to 
remain celibates, and the M.A.'s to wear the 
quoif of St. Catherine. At the college the 
study of music would largely engage the 
attention of the students, and once every term 
there would be a " Catt's Concert " in Hall. 
The Game of Pass for the corners would be a 
favourite one with the undergraduate girls. 




First Newspaper Boy. " HULIO, BILL 1 WHO 's 'B ?' ' 

Second Newspaper Soy. " I SUPPOSE 'B 's THB NORTH POLK AS 'AS JUST BBEN DISCOVERED 1 ' 



L.S.D. 

Chancellor of the Exchequer to John Bull : 

I BEG to remark, dear respected J. B., 

If you wish to retain your command of the 

sea, 
You must give me command of your L.8.D. 

John Bull to the Chancellor of the 

Exchequer : 
I shan't make a fuss o'er pounds, shillings, and 

pence, 
If you give me defence without waste or 

pretence. 
Let's have a strong Navy, and hang the 



The 



expense 



L.S.D. I want 
Defence I 



is my Land's Safe 



Drawing the Line. 

( Written after reading the views of Barcn Von 
Marschall concerning " Our Raihvays," $c., in 
the Zransvaal.) 
To MONROE Doctrine JOHN BULL may be 

schooled, 

But, spite of all that German Baron's jaw, 
He '11 show the Teuton he is not yet ruled 
By " MARSHALL" Law I " 

THE BARB FACT. The recent great rise in 
Consols "may be ascribed," the Times ob- 
served, " in great measure to^the existence of 
a bear account, called into being by the possi- 
bilities of disturbance opened up by events in 
various parts of the world." Then it 's mainly 
on the ''Russian Bear account" that Consols 
have gone up. 



102 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 29, 1896. 




WHAT OUR TENOR HAS TO PUT UP WITH. 

Fair Accompanist (cheerfully}, "Now YOU GO OK, AND NEVER MIND MB! I'LL CATCH 

YOU UP BY-AND-BY 1 " 



PUNCH TO THE NEW PRESIDENT. 

["I thank you, good Sir JOHN ! "Second Part 
E.\*g Htnry the Fourth, Act II., Sc. 1.] 

"SiR JOHN, I am thy Punchius, and tby 
friend I" 

And this comes, greeting. 
I 've watched thy splendid course from end 
to end. 

The years, swift fleeting, 
Lent each a new, bright honour to a name 

All England 's proud of. 
Worthy aspirants to artistic fame 

There is good crowd of ; 
But our Sir JOHN is greatest of them all, 

By head and shoulders. 
J-hatLEiGHTON'smantleonSirJoHisrshouIdfall 

Glads all beholders. 



To fifty years of well-fulfilled renown, 

And popularity, 

This seems the well-earned guerdon and fit 
crown. 

The widest charity 
Holds not all Presidents in Art supreme, 

As in urbanity. 
But MILLAIS' Art is young ambition's dream ; 

His strong-soul'd sanity, 
And breezy bonhomie, make such a blend 

As all virility 
Yearns to. Consummate artist, cheery friend, 

'Tis no servility 

To how before such manhood and such 
power, 

Such fine, frank royalty, 
Of nature high, and genius in fall flower, 

In loving loyalty. 



From P. R. B. to P. R. A. ! That tale 

Is worth the telling ; 
But "one who has done everything save 

fail- 
In all excelling, 
Will fill Art's highest ceremonial seat 

With lordship easy. 
His speech, than LKJGIITON'S less serenely 

sweet, 

But bright and breezy, 
Wins with its wholesome franknes?. May it 

long 

And clearer ever 
Sound at that banquet-board where great 

and strong, 
Noble and clever, 
Meet under Art's high hospitable dome. 

Most pleasant duty 
For those who, though they roam, own 

England Home 
And bow to Beauty ! 
He whose remains WKKN'S wondrous fene 

now coveis 

Highest would rank you, 
And cry, with QOWEB, and Punch, and all 

Art's lovers, 
" Sir JOHN, I thank you ! " 



THE SONG OF THE SULTAN. 

[" The Turk never changes." Prince Zobano/.] 

BISMILLAH 1 All the Giaour race 

Are mutable as mist. 
They know not the set Sphinxian faoe, 

Or the firm clenched fist. 
Infidel hogs, false, faithless dogs, 

From Moscow to Berlin, 
They're shifting as Serbonian b)gs. 

Unsettled even in sin. 
The opprobium of the so-called " Powers " 

Is mu-ta-bil-i-ty ; 
Bat I 'm not like the accursed Giaours ; 

You '11 find no change in me! 

Sons of burnt fathers, that is how 

I get the pull of them ; 
I of the imperturbable brow, 

And the unruffled phlegm. 
I ravish, el ay it is my way 

I always did, and will ; 
But then as slaughterer I can stay, 

I kill-and kill and kill I 
They know not their own minds a mite, 

They cannot long agree ; 
But murder is my sole delight ; 

You '11 find no change in me ' 

They grunt and groan, I sit alone, 

And slaughter on by proxy. 
Of mercy they make maudlin moan, 

And Christian orthodoxy. 
But as they are of many minds, 

And I remain of one, 
I give them promises, mere blinds, 

And still keep up the fun. 
I still play off Prince LOBANOFF 

Against Lord SALS-BU-KEE, 
At all their shifting schemes I scoff ; 

They '11 find no change in me ! 

That Russian Prince makes England wince. 

And SALISBUBJIE, no doubt, 
Makes a wry face, as at a quince, 

At Russia's cynic flout. 
But Russia really knows me best, 

I do not change, she does. 
'Tis changeless East'gainst changeful West, 

I wade in blood they buzz I 
I like that LOBANOFF ; although 

Were he but at my knee, 
I 'd have his head off, at a blow ; 

He 'd find no change injne I 



A REAL UNION OF HEAIIS. Mr. LECKY, 
M.P., and Mr. PLTJNKETT, M.P., on the ques- 
tion of mercy, which should not be distrained. 



PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. FEBRUARY 29, 1896. 




''MONEY NO OBJECT! 



VULCAN. "THIS'LL RUN INTO MONEY MA- AM!" 

BRITANNIA. "NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO RULE THE WAVES!!" 



FEBRUARY 29, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



105 




"The Medium,' 
Telephonic Butler. 



KERR VOULEZ-VOUS CHEZ TERRY? 

THE present lessee of TEBBY'S Theatre is fortunate in his latest 
production, Jedbury Junior. Brightly written is the dialogue, well 
sketched the characters, and clear the farcical plot of Jedbury Junior, 
written by MADELEINE LTTCETTE RYLEY. Mr. KEBB is excellent in 
it, giving all the lightheartedness and pathos to 
the character of young Jedbury that it requires ; 
and this is equally true of Miss MATOE MILLETT 
as the heroine Dora. There are two novelties 
in the piece ; one a character played by Mr. G. 
E. BELLAMY, who makes a decided hit by 
appearing throughout the piece without having 
a single word to say except just before the fall 
of the curtain, when he blurts out " Hooray 1 " 
and then, like " the brief candle," is " heard 
no more." The success of The Silence of Dean 
Maitland is as nothing to that of Mr. Bellamy 
Glibb. The other novelty is the obsequious 
but honestly devoted butler, Whimper, an old 
family servant, who acts as the medium of 
communication between Mr. and Mrs. Jedbury 
(the father and mother of the hero, well repre- 
sented by Mr. BEATTCHAMP and Miss EMILY 
CBOSS), who have quarrelled, and who only 
address one another through the butler, using 
him as if he were a telephone. In this part of 
Whimper, Mr. GTLBEBT FABQUHAB deserves 
all praise ; it is a careful study of a quite 
possible, though, of course, eccentric character, 
and it is redeemed from absurdity by the little touch of genuine sen- 
timent which the old servant exhibits when he has to, in effect, turn 
Jedbury Junior out^of Jedbury Senior's house. Mr. J. L. MACKAY, 
as Major Jfedway, is in perfect keeping with his artistic make-up. 
Mr. ABTHUB PLAYFAIB tones himself down to Tom Belldby, and 
renders valuable assistance. Is it an oversight on the part of the 
author that Bellaby comes in hot haste, and with the utmost 
earnestness, to borrow a fiver of his friend, but forgets all about 
it after the first two minutes of conversation, and goes off without 
ever recurring to the subject? Miss EVA MOOBE is charming as 
Nelly Jedbury, and Mr. BEECHES hard as nails in the character of 
Mr. Simpson, the thieving manager of Jedbury fy Co.'s " Bombay 
House," whose method of fraud is so crude and simple as to afford 
every ground of hope for his going through life, in a highly satisfac- 
tory manner, as a stupid forger and absolutely transparent swindler. 

Mr. L. POWEB'S Job is, in every 
way, a clever and original per- 
formance. The " confidential 
valet," who will ultimately grow 
into a family butler of the Whim- 
per sort.isavery old friend infarce 
and comedy, and is a character 
that, if brought into a piece, has 
to be very carefully treated by 
the dramatist, and with still 
greater care by the actor. DICKENS 
hit off the essentially stagey aspect 
of such a character when he made 
Mr. Lenville describe the kind of 
part that Nicholas Nickleby had 
to write for him. The comic con- 
fidential servant, and the irascible 
old father, always ready to " cut 
off his heir with a shilling," are 
old friends, but possible bores. 
When we see either of them on the 
stage we say " connu ! " But in 
this play, though thestern, stony- 
hearted, but subsequently relent- 




L t *v i *. 

Motto for the latest edition of Master 
Silene ltj , acta non ^,, 



ing father, belongs to the old school of irascible parents, 
sympathetic butler and the friendly valet are ancient friends 



yet the 
s in new 

aspects, and the authoress is to be congratulated on the exponents of 
these two parts. Jedbury Junior has in it plenty of the right mate- 
rial for the achievement of popularity, and Mr. EEBB ought to do 
well with it for some time to come. 



PARADOXICAL. 

(By a Prussian.") 
KRTJPP'S hundred-tenners topped the run, 

We thought, but WILHELM'S wiser ; 
They 're beaten by the Teu-ton gun, 
According to our KAISEB. 

EVERYTHING 's IN A NAME. A man named BLIGHT has just been 
sent to prison for defrauding the Board of Agriculture. 



TO BEATEICE. 

ON FEBBUABY THE TWENTY-NINTH. 
FAIB BEATBICE, this is not your name, I know 
(I couldn't print it, sweet one, in a journal). 

Bat that 'tis you whom I address below, 
Perhaps you'll learn from evidence 
internal. 

Read, then, between the lines 'tis now a 
year [matters ; 

Since last I rhymed to you on sundry 
You lived then in a diffrent hemisphere 
A distance which attachment rather 
shatters. 

You're back again, our letters cross no 
more ! [playmate " ; 

I'm now promoted to be " friend and 
Of times that I 've " proposed " I 've kept 

no score, 

Bat as a minimum I think I 'd name 
eight I 

Well, now 'tis Leap Year, surely 'tis your turn 

To take a hand at this exhausting pastime ; 
That you should beat my score I do not yearn 

You 'd win at once I Try, then, the first and last time I 
Look in your calendar next Saturday 

You '11 see 's the twenty-ninth 'twill not be reckoned 
Again for eight years ; don't, then, wait, I pray I 

Your question can be popped in half a second ! 




COSIER COTS. 

[Mr. ERNEST HART in The Queen makes various revolutionary proposals 
on " how to go to bed."] 

TIME for bed. Glad I ' ve followed HABT' s hints. Quite look forward 
to my comfortable room. Also to getting there having provided oil- 
stoves in all passages and staircases. What 's the good as HABT says 
of being warm in your bedroom, if you are to catch cold on the way ? 

Find I have to put out the oil-stoves as I pass (as servants have 
retired long ago). Rather a nuisance, this. One won't expire for 
quite two minutes. What a draughty corner it 's in, too ! Don't 
believe the beast is out yet. Maker assured me these patent centu- 
plex kerosine stoves never smelt of oil. Wish maker could smell 
them now. Chilled. 

Bedroom, anyhow, looking cosy. That idea of the "bookshelf, 
with a few favourite authors close to bedside," admirable. And 
HABT quite right in calling nightgown the " clothing of the pri- 
meval savage," and recommending pyjamas. 

Have got the "two levers, one for controlling fire, other for 
controlling light." In bed. Jolly light from the electric lamp, 
Hullo I What 's it doing ? Must really " control " it seems going 
out. . . . All right now. Take down Guy Manneringhang the 
bedstead. HABT says old bed is a " ridiculous contrivance." This 
one seems to be trying to chuck me out on to floor every minute. 
Perhaps it's the "movable head-board." . . . Out of bed. Have 
controlled head-board. In again. . . . Odd seem to have been 
reading for an hour. How time does slip away when you 're really 
enjoying yourself I It's one o'clock in the morning. Must finish 
this chapter. Ah ! Next chapter is the exciting one two more. 
What 's that curious scraping noise outside ? Or is it downstairs ? 
Can it be burglars ? 

My pyjama suit just the thing, Mr. HABT says, for " night alarms." 
Nuisance to have to get up, though. Why can't there be a third 
lever, to control burglars ? Put nose out of door by Jove, how cold 
it is ! That dratted oil-stove still smouldering and smelling ! 

Noise seems to have stopped. Still, can't go to sleep just yet. 
Take down Pickwick. . . . Not as funny as I used to think it. ... Two 
o'clock I... After all, isn't use of a bedrooin to go to sleep in P Lie 
down ; what a bore that one can't have electric light half off ; room 
in darkness, except for gas-stove. Suddenly remember to have heard 
that gas-stove left burning in bedroom sure to suffocate one ! But 
if I turn it out, where 's the use of having it ? Wish Mr. HABT were 
here to advise. No, on the whole, glad he isn't. Turn off gas- 
rather heroic of me. Have, of course, discarded "the mass of 
blankets and sheets " which Mr. HABT condemns. Not " tucked in " 
at all, either ; how can I be, as that sort of thing seems to constitute 
" huge set of swaddling clothes, such as only savages now employ even 
for children P " The fight eider-down, however, lets in fearful lot of 
draught. ... Up again, shivering. Three o'clock 1 Turn on gas in 
stove again. Lever won't work, or gas won't light. Hang HABT ! 

4 A.M. Just got a lot of good old-fashioned blankets and sheets 
from next room. Fearfully chilled, but have some prospect of a few 
hours' decently warm sleep. 



106 



'PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 29, 1896. 




PROSPECTS OF THE LEAP YEAR CLUB. 

[" A ' Leap Year Club ' has been formed by a number of young ladies." Daily Graphic.] 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

DEAREST ETHELJNDA, For maucaise plaisanterie commend me to 
a Man in Authority. I need say no more. Yon know the cruel 
practical, too practical, joke played upon me la?t week, when all the 
names of those who benefit Commerce and Art. and therefore the 
General Public, were ruthlessly excised by a Hand but too well 
acquainted with the scissors, and asterisks were substituted for their 
honoured appellations. Again, I say, cherchons I'homme ! under 
such circumstances, and when found, make a note of him. He is 
found, he is noted, and he will be yet more noted. Meantime, let 
his pitiable trick recoil on his own head. 1 hereby initiate an 
entirely new Missing Word Competition, viz., I offer a prize my 
poems, Twitterings of a Tom-Tit, with autograph to the ready- 
witted person of either sex who shall correctly fill in the spaces 
made by the literary censor (plus Muscovite qu'un Russe), and send 
the result to Sim .' I was alout to tell you of a lovtly confection of 
milk-tea lace and dust-bin crepon, which I have just seen at 

Madame , but, no, I will not even breathe her name in ink. Let 

her die like CHATTEBTON, unknown to fame, and the product of her 
genius perish with her ; both struck down by the bolt of Him who 
Must be Obeyed I I have no heart to write more, but here is a new 
dish of my own creation. I call it Kari au Redacteur impayable. 
Stew^a calf's brain in melted butter seasoned with garlic, pimento, and 
allspice. Then add a tablespoonful of curry powder, which should be 
bought not a hundred yards from the upper end of Bunker's Hill 
Square. Stir over a quick fire, then add a tumbler of brandy, ditto 
of Welsh whiskey, some areca nut and sliced capsicums. This is an 
excellent night-cap. Ever, dear. Your lovinir cousin, KADJ. 

P.S. I am sending a letter to The Man, marked not "private," 
but "public"! Only wait I 

A ROUND-ELAY OF DISTRESS. 

[" Mr. KOUHD, M.P., the famous Eton and Oxford cricketer, has had his 
arm broken by collision with a bicyclist in Kensington Palace Gardens."] 
THIS cricketer, for skill renown'd, 

'Gainst any pace would take his stand ; 
But ROUND has, to his sorrow, found 
That cycling fast is underhand. 

SUMMABY or THE NEW MAINTENANCE ACT. ".All.for Her." 



WHAT MR. H Y PERHAPS EXPECTED. 

Mr DEAB TiM, With tears cf j >y gusHng from my overladen 
eyeballs, I hasten to accept your generous offer of the Chairmanship 
of the National Party. It will afford me the greatest satisfaction to 
be able not only to pour tome soothing whiskey into our somewhat 
troubled waters, but also to heap up unlimited burning peat on your 
proverbially thin scalp. Turning to-day to a merry-thoughtful 
newspaper, with which I know you are connected, I find myself 
described (1) as an unmitigated rogue; (2) as a thief; (''>, as a 
lickspittle adherent of Dablin Castle ; (4) as a law-abiding landlord ; 
and (5) as a political GCY FAWKES, anxious to blow up Committee 
11 wm No. 15. In each of these well- turned jests, dear TIM, I recog- 
nise your masterful way of saying what you did at mean. 'Tis the 
old story of firing blank cartridges from behind a hedge, to amuse 
the "bhoys" the best, most loyal, and most devoted of followers. 
Da you remember, TIM, that character drawn by either LITER or 
LOVEK: the literary man, who'd praise somebody to-day in one 
paper, so that he might abase himself to-morrow in another ? Faith I 
You might have served for the model. You 're as brimful of fun as 
was Handy Andy. Good luck to you, my boy ! May we have roar- 
ing times together ! Cead mills failihe ! 

Ever yours, affectionately, T. S. 

Cockawhoop Criticism. 

WHEN Art-criticism 's cocky, spleenful, rude, and mulinh, 
It may think it's PENNELL-wise, but it is found foolish. 
Donkeys bray, but clever sketohers really ought to kaow 
That as Mr. MOBLBY mentions lions do not crow ! 
Nay, a reasonable rooster, or a game-cook brave, 
Would scarce care to cockadoodle on a great man's grave. 

COMPARATIVE MERITS. What collection of books is better than a 
Free Library? Why, certainly, the Frere Library, that once 
belonged to JOHN TUDOR FREBE, and which has been recently dis- 
posed of and disperse! by Messrs. SOTHFBT & Co. 

MANAGERIAL PROVEBB AS TO OPEBATIC DOVES. You may go in 
for the "billing" of the doves as much as you like, but it is quite 
another thing to rely upon their making a coup. 



FEBRUARY 29, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



107 




BY SPECIAL LICENCE. 
T-by, the Dog that Cau't and Won't be Muzzled. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday. February 17. Since Mr. CALDWELL 
retired from the calico-printing business and took to Imperial politics 
he has suffered some surprises and survived many disappointments. 

Never did for- 
tune treat him 
so scurvily as 
to-night. Had 
remained 
through long 
and varied sit- 
ting prepared 
to discourse 
on woes and 
wrongs of crof- 
ters. There was 
preliminary 
misadventure, 
since WEIR had 
rushed in first 
and put down 
amendment to 
Address. He 
would move it ; 
but House 
knew member 
for Mid-Lanark 
was to second 
it, and would 
gladly suffer 
Boss and Crq- 
marty since it 
Ifd up to such 
delight. Along 

sitting, full of inconsiderable speeches about immaterial things. 
The case of the dynamite prisoners restated by JOHN REDMOND ; 
ATHERLEY-JONES on Venezuela ; WEDDERBTJRN on Chitral. Each 
came on in turn ; talked of at length ; shovelled out of the way : 
midnight at hand before Crofter's Amendment was reached. 

With assistance of pince-nez and tragic tones WEIR floundered 
through succession of incoherent remarks. Then CALDWELL rose ; 
began to reel off speech with smoothness and rapidity of the engines 
calico-printing in the paternal establishment in far off Milton-on- 
Campsie. Before forty yards had been neatly finished there was a 
hitch in the machinery. Thought at first it was a pebble from the 
indignant Dee protestant against its neighbourhood being dese- 
crated by a calico-printing industry. Turned out to be all due to 
PRINCE ARTHUR. He had been in his place through night ; had 
made several speeches ; kept watchful eye over varied course of 
business. Now, at sight of CALDWELL with bundle of notes sugges- 
tive of email bale of calico ready for the printer, he incontinently 
fled. 

CALDWELL gasped for breath : rubbed his eyes ; regarded with 
startled gaze the empty seat. Was it possible the Leader of the 
House, having in near view prospect of discourse from him, should 
have left ? No doubt about fact. Prince ARTHUR had gone, appreci- 
ably reducing number of audience. The LORD ADVOCATE moved into 
his place, with evident intention of replying. Too much this for 
human nature, howsoe'er trained in adversity. Mastering his 
emotion, CALDAVELL lifted up his voice, and denounced the guiltily 
absent Minister who, he added, in sorrow rather than in anger, had 
" apparently deputed the task of reply to a junior member of the 
Government." House so affected that everyone glad when midnight 
struck a note of sympathy, and a veil dropped over painful scene. 

"And they will have it," said SAKK as we wended our 
melancholy way homeward, "that the Scotch people have no sense 
of humour. Is there any other of the three nations capable of the 
practical joke of supplying the House of Commons with opportunity 
of hearing in succession JAMES GALLOWAY WEIR and JEMMY CALD- 
WELL ? The humour, I admit, is subtle. Prolongation of its Hash- 
ing is prone to depression. But there it is ; superb in its way, quite 
unique. All that is required for perfect success is capacity of appre- 
ciation on the part of the audience." 
Business done. Still talking round the Address. 

Tuesday. JEMMY LOWTHER, saddling and bridling his old roadster 
" Protection," trotted up and down the yard just now. JEMMY rides 
well; has as good a seat on horseback as he had on judicial bench 
when he presided in wig and gown at Jockey Club inquiry. 

" Seems to me," said JOHN MOWBRAY, one of the few Members of 
the present House who knew JEMMY in days of (Parliamentary) sin, 
" a great pity J. L. cannot take his seat in the House as he appeared 
on that memorable occasion. There are times when, contemplating 
the decadence of a country given up to Free Trade, his face takes on 



a look of awesome gravity. But the wig and gown are adjuncts of 
inestimable value. JEMMY, so arrayed, seated at the corner of the 
front bench below the Gansrway in full view of Irish Members, would 
have distinctly salutary effect. Of course it cannot be : must make 
the best of him as he is." 

Performance of to-night not inspiriting. House already in this, 
its earliest, lustiest infancy, oppressed by deadly weight of Minis- 
terial majority exceeding three fifties. Irish Members subdivided 
till there seems nothing left but TIM HEALY. Scotch Members all 
gone to pieces ; cannot be brought up to the scratch, even though 
CALDWELL and WEIR, claymore and pince-nez in hand, esray to lead 
them on. Welsh Members have re-elected OSBORNE MORGAN as 
Chairman of their Parliamentary organisation. That looks blood- 
thirsty. But to-night's uprising on Education Question proved 
a fiasco. English Liberals chieflv anxious to arrange dinner pairs. 
Of the freelances, even CAP'EN TOMMY BOWLES beginning to look 
wistfully towards Greenwich Hospital. Been making furtive in- 
quiries from JOKIM as to terms of board and lodgings for an old 
salt who has lost an arm and found a voice in the service of his 
country. 

"Quite a hypothetical case, you know," he said to JOKIM, 
fastening a hook in his buttonhole (" As if it were a newly -developed 
orchid," JOKIM said, when telling the story). "But suppose 
there was a case of a man who had sailed on many seas, in- 
cluding Norfolk Broads ; had boarded more ships than lie at this 
moment in the Pool of London ; had attempted to teach MUBDELLA 
navigation when he was President of the Board of Trade ; had seen 
himself passed over when allowance of Ministerial grosr was served 
round ; and when approaching middle age found himself stranded in 
shoal water in a dull House of Commons suppose, I say, there was 
such a case, would he be put up comfortably, of course at country's 
expense, at Greenwich, there to spend his last watch meditating on 
party ingratitude ? " 

In such circumstances, at ten o'clock at night, when dolorous 
Debate on Address flickering out, JEMMY took his melancholy trot. 
Wasn't allowed even to put up hurdle in form of amendment. 
Managed to give one kick out at the MABKISS, who, amongst o*her 
things, has been saying that in France, where Protection reigns in 
extremest force, agriculture is worse off than iu England. "A more 
unfounded statement never made by mortal man," exclaimed JEMMY. 

" I might have put it shorter than that," he said, as he got down 
and led the old horse limping back to its loose box in the BENTINCK 
stables. " Might, indeed, have got it all in three words, including 
an nrticle. But they 're so particular here." 

Business done. Address agreed to. 

Thursday. RITCHIE brought in Light Railways Bill ; first con- 
signment a million sterling drawn from Imperial Treasury to be 




THE "CHRISTIAN BROTHERS!" 
; Messrs. D-ll-n and H-ly. 

distributed among agricultural parishes. AU the county Members 
rose up and called RITCHIE blessed. BRTCE dissembled his love, 
remembering that when last year he brought in similar measure it 
was kicked down stairs. As for SQTTCRE OF MALWOOD, he smiled 
sardonically when he heard RITCHIE describe how the million was to 
be dispensed in gifts or in loans. 

" My million, dear TOBY, or at least one of my many millions. 
Do you remember how, during the Gordon Riots, the mob 



103 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBBUAKY 29, 1896. 



streamed down to the ' Maypole Inn ' at Chigwell, 
tied John Willet, the landlord, in a chair, whence 
he could, more or less comfortably, certainly with 
fall command of the situation, watch the rascals 
helping themselves to all the good things he had 
stored up through a life of long industry P I don't 
mean to liken Her Majesty's Ministers to a riotous, 
looting mob, still less would I suggpst that between 
myself and the landlord of the ' Maypole Inn' is 
there any resemblance, personal or otherwise. Never- 
theless, as I sit here watching RITCHIE hand out a 
million for Light Rail ways; JOKIM preparing to spend 
many millions on strengthening the Navy ; expecting 
soon to have GOBST, who dearly loves a parson, forking 
out more millions for the parsons' schools, I am able 
to enter into the feelings of John Willet with keener 
appreciation and fuller sympathy than when, in my 
mind's eye, I first saw him bound in the chair of his 
once snug bar-parlour. All my millions, TOBY. 
Hoards for which I toiled, rich wtbs I spun. 

Sic vos non vobis fertis aratra bovee ; 

Sic vos non vobis mellificatis apes ; 

Sic vos non vobis vellera fertis ore s ; 

Sic vos non vobis nidificatis aves." 

" Well, you know what happened to BATHILLUP,'' 
I said, moved at his honest emotion. 

" Yes ; but his discomfiture was sudden and swift. 
We'll probably have to wait six years before the 
BATHYLLTJS - BALFOTJB family are brought to book; 
and where shall we all be then ?" 

Business done. Unite a lot. Ministers bringing in 
Bills with both hands. 

Friday. STANLEY LEIGHTOIT, The Man from 
Shropshire, in iiae form to-night. Rushed in in 
usual abrunt, excited fashion, crying not "My 
Lord! MyL>rd!" but "Mr. SPEAKER!" Ques- 
lion was, grant for Welsh Museum. Difficulty is 
Wales has no town which all are content to regard 
as their capital. 

" Very well," said The Man from Shropshire, his 
logical mind piercingfilm of doubt and difficulty ; "you 
have no capital in Wales. Then take Shiowsbury." 

Members rot indisposed to accept this solution of 
difficulty. First wanted to know where Shiowsbury 
is. Whisper went round that LEIGHTON meant Shrews- 
bury ; the other pronunciation specimen of the fine ancient Britain 
tongue he had lauded. Crowning recommendation of Shrewsbury is 
that someone, at some time, had there been hanged, drawn, and 
quartered. What more could anyone want in way of recommenda- 
tion of locality for museum ? 




A SHAKSPERIAN ILLUSTRATION. 



Juliut CcBsar (Lord S-l-sb-ry) suspiciously, to Antony (B-lf-r). "Let me have men about 
me that are fat, sleek -headed men, and such as sleep o' nights. Yon Cassius has a lean and 
hungry look. He thinks too much, such men are dangerous .... Would he were fatter ! " 



The Man from Shropshire sat down triumphant. Seemed to 
be all settled, when GOBST explained that he had no money 
available for scheme. So something else will have to be done with 
Shrewsbury. 

Business done. None ; but much talk. 



A COOL AND COLLECTED CALENDAR. 

(Suggested by the Calm Conduct of an 
Unemotional People.) 

Monday. Morning papers announce mis- 
understanding with U. 8. A. General astonish- 
ment. Evening journals indignant. Every 
Londoner in a condition of wild excitement. 

Tuesday. Morning papers devote leaders 
to "the serious news from U.S.A." Re- 
ports from the provinces of greatly increased 
recruiting. Evening journals call for national 
support. Entire British race (those beyond 
the sea by wire) express their intention of 
rallying round the dear old flag. 

Wednesday. Morning papers print a tele- 
gram "made in Germany." Misunder- 
standing with U.S.A. entirely forgotten in 
the amazement caused by the latest outrage. 
Evening journals suggest armament en masse. 
Proposal received with delirious delight by 
Britons inhabiting both hemispheres. 

Thursday. Morning papers enlarge on the 
International Insult. Cockneys and proyin- 
cials vie with one another in examples of self- 
sacrifice. The army should be recruited with 
the entire pop^ation up to the age of eighty. 
Evening journals propose increased expen- 
diture on the Navy. The inhabitants of Great 
Britain demand, with one voice, twenty shil- 
lings in the pound for income-tax. 

Friday. Morning papers give accounts of 
cruel sufferings of an alien people. Latest 
international insult entirely overlooked in 



the clamour for immediatiye mediation. 
Evening journals review foreign policy of 
the Government. Universal demand for the 
depatoh of a couple of armies and all the fleet 
on " special service." 

Saturday. Morning papers narrate ter- 
rible accident abroad. Everything forgotten 
in the zeal for collecting subscriptions. 
Evening journals give " latest details." Any 
amount of charitable chatter before all con- 
cerned go home to enjoy the morrow's rest. 



Judicious Mixture. 

[Earl GREY is to succeed Dr. JIM as Adminis- 
trator of the South African Chartered Company's 
territory.] 

THE introduction of a little Grey will tone 
down the rather Black Look of South African 
Affairs. 

WHEN JUDGES THEMSELVES ABE TBIED. 
Daring the hearing of an election petition 
which promises to be still hale and hearty at 
the beginning of the next century. 



SPOBT MOST APPBOPBIA.TE TO THE LOCALIIY. 
Shooting pigeons at Monte Carlo. 



A BOBBISH PBOVEBB. When the Johannes- 
burgher 's in the Wit-lander 's out. 



A SHOBT " VALE." Aniosr, art ofi ? 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE BlLLIAKDIST XX FAMILLS. 

I 'LL give you twenty I There ! you make 
A rather lucky fifteen break, 

And now miss cue for want of chalk. 
I follow on. You clearly see 
That unexpected kiss robb'd me, 

And sent you into baulk. 

You 've got the points you asked, and yet 
My calculations you upset 

By getting up to put me down. 
I don't complain, I don't rebel 
If at the sport of " Blanche Chapelle" 

You seek to win renown. 

Ha I ha ! I have you I Quick I the rest ! 
That was a stroke ! the prettiest 

Of hazards, giving me a chance. 
And there again with certain pride 
I demonstrate the power of side, 

And mace as in France. 

You 're right I The middle pockets draw. 
See. you 're a gainer by the flaw I 

Under the cushion red should be. 
That 's what I call a master- shot ! 
1 've broken down when on the spot I 

What ? ninety- six to fifty-three ? 

No fluke ? Then I apologise. 

You 've won the game. A great surprise. 

You 're warmer, dear, than any blister. 
I 'm very rude ? Your temper smother I 
/ can't be Someone Else's brother, 

Nor you, alack I that Someone's sister I 



MARCH 7, 1896. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



109 



A NEWFRENCH EXERCISE. 

THEY say (on dit) that 
we shall have an income- 
tax (tax on incomes) in 
France. The Government 
desires the tax. Does the 
people desire the tax P The 
people does not desire it. 
The people remain, but the 
Governments do not re- 
main. By whom was this 
piece of paper brought to 
my house P The piece of 
paper was brought by the 
policeman (gendarme). Seel 
It contains many ques- 
tions . It appears that if 
1 fail to answer the ques- 
tions they will send me to 
prison. It is a veritable 
tyranny that they establish ! 
Beautiful France is no 
longer a democratic country. 
Still, it's necessary that 
we should all obey the laws. 
Take, my son, some ink (de 
Vencre), some pens, some 
paper, and write down 
what (that which) I dictate 
to you. Have you told them 
that the profits of my occu- 
pation of charcutier are 
none at all P Then send the 
paper back to the wretched 
Government. What ? Has 
the policeman called again ? 




SPRING BOW-WOWS. 

Leaiider. "WHY, TOOK MY STUMP, IF IT AIN'T 'URO 

KNOWN YEE, WITH THAT 'EKE MUZZLE ON I " 



I SHOULD NBVEE 'AVE 



Yes, the policeman has 
called again, and has 
brought with him the 
gaoler, the prison chaplain, 
and the examining magis- 
trate. The honour of such 
a visit is too unexpected. 
You may tell the gaoler, 
the prison chaplain, and 
the examining magistrate 
that I am suffering from 
illness. The examining 
magistrate is desolated to 
hear it. They have actually 
entered my room I My 
wife, my mother-in-law, 
my grandfather, the cousin 
of my wife's sister, and 
my six children, have burst 
into tears. How (he is) 
polite this magistrate (is) ! 
Say then (done) I am not 
obliged to go to prison, 
or to pay ? No, because 
parents with six children 
are exempt from the tax. 
Are all laws bad? No, 
there are some laws which 
are bad, and othr laws 
which are good. The law 
about large families and 
the income-tax is a good 
law. Though I do not pay 
the tax, my neighbours 
(voisins) will have to pay 
it. Beautiful France is a 
more democratic country 
than I thought (it). 



TITTLEBAT TOMKINS. 

IF Mr. BUCHANAN and Miss JAY had produced their play of The 
Shopwalker about forty years ago. with ROBSON in it, and had 
entitled it Tittlebat Titmouse, adding that it was adapted from 
WARBEN'S Ten Thousand a Year, it might hive achieved success, 
had it not baen anticipated by PEAKE'S drama of Ten Thousand a 

Year, which was pro- 
duced at the Adelphi in 
1842, with WEIGHT as 
the comic hero and PAUL 
BEDFORD as Huckaback, 
the friend who gives him 
the first information of 
his accession to fortune. 
The " J and B " treat- 
ment of this old subject 
does not exhibit the latest 
modern dramatic im- 
provements. It gives 
Tittlebat Thomas Tit- 
mouse Tomkinsa, mother, 
who is a character simi- 
lar to Mrs. Brag in 
THODORE HOOK'S Jack 
Brag, and also a good, 
true - hearted girl like 
Mary Anne Hoggins, 
who was devoted to the 
immortal Jeames, created 
by THACKEEAY. So that 
The Shopwalker is a 




Hi, tat Act, "Knee Suit.,," *, 

without any particularly redeeming feature in the way of dialogue. 

t has a long scene or two that could be cut down with advantage ; 
but, and this is the saving clause, it is capitally acted by every- 
body in the cast. 

For example, no one could be better than Mr. SYDNEY BEOUGH as 
the virtuous and rather 'aughty young lover, with little to do, and 
not much of any value to say ; and who, other than Mr. WAEDEN, could 

etter represent the not absolutely colourless, because bilious-looking, 
but always aristocratic Earl? Miss VICTOR, admirable as Widow Brag 

lomkins, makes a brick or two out of the meagre amount of straw 
which falls to her share. Mr. DAVID JAMES, representing a lawyer's 

allanous clerk, of Scotch extraction, has the best of the game ; and 
Mr. WEEDON GEOSSMITH, after he has made a good start in the earlier 



part of the first Act, has, for the remainder of the piece, up-hill work, 
about the result of which he must have felt rather uncomfortable 
during rehearsals. However, being manager, actor, and Shop- 
walker he has presumably selected this play as " one of the best," if 
not the best in his repertoire, unless he has a surprise for us up his 
sleeve. Miss NINA BOUCICAULT is delightful, even in this sketchy 
part of Mabel ; but 'tis a pathetic sight to witness the struggles of 
Miss MAY PALFREY, vainly attempting to interest, an audience in the 
authors' story of her overwhelming woes. Mr. VOLPE, as Hubbard, 
Father Hubbard, not Mother of that ilk, is as good as he can be ; 
and to say this of him in such a part is high praise. In the bill it 
ia described as " a new and original comedy," which are epithets 
generally difficult to verify of anything dramatic nowadays, and in 
this instance absolutely impossible. 



SONG FOR BARON POLLOCK. 

(Some way after Sir Charles Sedley.) 
AIR "Phyllis is my only Joy." 



WILLIS does me much annoy, 

Uoggedest of all Q, C.'s, 
Clients who his skill employ 
He can never fail to please. 
If with a frown, 
I set him down, 
WILLIS, smiling, 
JELF be-riling, 
Pops up perkier than before ! 



Though, alas I too late I find 
Nothing puts him in a fir ; 
Yet I try to make him mind ; 
I am np to all his tricks ; 
Which though I see 
Yet baffle me. 
He affronting, 
I low grunting, 
Election cases are a bore I 



"NOM D'UNE PIPE I" 
" Quoth Jack Tar, ' Blow me tight, here 's a sip of my sort ; 

Without ' paying the piper,' a pipe full of port ! ", 
DESPITE the forensic skill of Mr. A. G. STEEL perhaps " batter' 1 
known as a batter than a barrister the proprietors of a " pipe of 
port," which had been shipped from Oporto, and which on arrival at 
Liverpool was "found practically empty," were unsuccessful in 
obtaining damages against the shipowners. For there was no 
" satisfactory explanation or evidence" forthcoming as to the cause 
of the mysterious disappearance of the " old tawny." Evidently some 
" sucking Nelson " on the " port watch " was at the cask during the 
voyage, or else the "pipe" evaporated smoked itself out, in fact. 



STRANGE FACT. Sir FEANCIS EVANS, who has just been returned 
for Southampton as a Separatist, is Chairman of the Union Company. 



VOL. ex. 



110 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 7, 1896. 








..- 



MARCH 7, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ill 




Huntsman (seeking a leatenfux). "Now THEN, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF HIM?" 

Cockney Sportsman (immensely pleased with himself). "WELL, BATHER I WHY, I'VE JUST DRIVEN HIM INTO THIS DRAIN FOR YOU 1' 



WHEN BAR MEETS BAR. 

(Entirely New and Original Suggestion for a 
Jf 'cures to beproduad at a Matinte.) 

SCENE A Court of Justice. Judge presiding. 
Witness in the Box. Counsel examining 
and cross-examining. 

Firtt Counsel. I did not quite catch that 
last answer. 

Witness, I said I drank three pots of beer. 
(Laughter.) Yes, I drank three or four. 
(Roars.) 

First Counsel. And not for the first time, 
T '11 be bound. (Renewed laughter. ) 

Second Counsel. I must really complain of 
my friend's conduct. I am surprised at his 
levity. 

First Counsel. I will not be insulted I You 
are surprised at everything. We all know 
you. 

Second Counsel. I am honoured for it is 
more than anyone will say of you. 

First Counsel. My Lord, I really must ap- 
peal to your Lordship. This is not the first 
time that my friend has grossly affronted me. 

Second Counsel. I claim the protection of 
the Bench also. It is simply unbearable. 
My friend loses no opportunity of holding me 
up to contempt. 

Judge. I have known you both for many 
years, and I am sure you are each of you in- 
capable of harbouring anything other than 
harmonious feelings towards one another. 

Witness. You seem to be forgetting me. 
(Laughter.) I shouldn't mention it, only I 
promised to take my old woman for a walk 
this afternoon. (Roars.) 

Judge. You said you had taken four pots 
of beer ? 



Witness. So would you if you had the 
chance. (Laughter.) 

Judge. It is fortunate then that I was here 
in another place. (Loud laughter.) 

Witness. That's a matter of opinion. I 
prefer the "Pig and Whistle," myself. 
(Screams.) 

First Counsel. You make a pit? of yourself 
while you wet your whistle. ( Yells.) 

Judge (rising). This seems an appropriate 
moment for adjourning until to-morrow. 

[Curtain falls for a time upon the costs. 



THE REAL EASTERN QUESTION. 
(By a Prosaic Sufferer from the Season.) 

WHAT WILLIAM WATSON calls " The Purple 

East," 

And why I know not ; but in simple prose 
Its wind, that 's neither good for man or beast, 
Brings that particular colour to my nose ! 
If the great bard will pardon the suggestion, 
How to avoid it is my Eastern Question. 
And he would do wide good, depend upon it, 
If he will teach us that in one more sonnet. 
Here's "winter lingeringin the lap of spring" ; 
And of the purple east to go and sing 
Is most superfluous in a patriot muse 
When Britons generally nave got the blues. 
How can one listen to Armenia's woes 
When the east wind is tweaking one' s poor nos 3 P 
And that, however bards may chant or ohirple. 
Is the sole way in which the east seems purple ! 



" OH! WOULD I WKKE A BARD." Sir EDWIN 
ABNOLD has gone to the Canary Isles. No 
doubt he will sing more like a bird than ever 
on his return. 



JIM AND JILLS. 

[" About 130 letters awaited Dr. JAME- 
SON. . . . many of them containing offers of 
marriage."" Westminster Gazette," feb. 27.] 

THEY all run after Dr. JIM, 
And yet they can't all marry him, 

One Dr. JIM ; 

The tall, the short, the stout, the slim. 
The oldish maidens, somewhat grim, 

(Poor Dr. JIM I) 
The young ones, sweet and neat and 

trim, 
The youthful widows, slyly prim, 

(Eh, Dr. JIM?) 
Soft eyes, which tears make sometimes 

dim, 
Sweet lips, to charm the seraphim, 

(Oh I Dr. JIM!) 
It is perhaps a passing whim, 
Like ripple lost on river's brim, 

For Dr. JIM ; 

They cannot tear him limb from limb, 
That each may have a piece of him, 

Their Dr. JIM. 

Better than Leather. 

[" The London police-constables have by a large 
majority preferred to receive a money allowance in 
lieu of the boots hitherto supplied to them."] 

SAGACIOUS Bobby, on the tramp, 

(Whatever be the style of weather,) 
You've learnt on beats of direful damp 

There's something that outrivals leather. 
For you no boots of doubtful form, 
But that which will brave any storm ; 
It compensates for mud and splash, 
And makes no errand bootless cash I 



112 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 7, 1896. 



THE SENSATION OF THE MOMENT. 
(A Story wafted from Berlin.) 

WHAT was the matter ? No one could 
give the reason. It was astonishing, and 
caused a feeling of uneasiness that could 
ipt he overcome. The CHANCELLOB shook 
lis head. So did the PBEMIEB. Then the 

NISTEB FOB FOBEIGN AFFAIBS Confided 

iis apprehension to the MINISTER OF THE 
[NTEBIOB. The chiefs of the Army were 
.n dire distress and regretted the absence 
of their comrades in the Navy. Even the 
sentries walking outside the portals of the 
palace were apprehensive. What did it 
ill mean? That was the question asked 
in whispers in the editors' rooms and re- 
peated in the class-rooms of the academies. 
The students forgot to fight their duels, 
the professors to study philosophy. The 
entire population gave up their beer. 
Then the doctors woke up. There would 
be certainly work for them if the strain 
continued. The public were unaccustomed 
to the situation. 

It was then the correspondent of a 
Foreign newspaper thought it time to ask 
for further and better particulars. 

He soon found a crowd surrounding the 
study of the Inscrutable One. They were 
listening eagerly, and keenly on the watch. 

11 What is it all about ? '* asked the re- 
presentative of the Press. 

Then came the reply which explained 
everything. 

"The KAISEB has kept quiet without 
doing anything startling for the last five 
minutes ! " 



MR. PUNCH'S PLAYING CARD?. 




No. I. THK J-M-S-N-RH-D-S COMBINATION. 



ON THE CARPET (TURKISH). 
(To the Editor of Punch.) 

DEA.B SER, As I havenothing verymuch 
to do just now, and have some note-paper 
on the desk before me, it has occurred to 
me to make you a proposal. As you know, 
I have been writing letters broadcast. ! 
prefer stamps to post-cards, and in this 
respect differ from that " unspeakable " 
but right hon. gentleman Mr. GLADSTONE. 
I differ from him in other respects, but 
that is a matter of detail. 

Now, it has occurred to me that many 
of your cartoons and articles are very un- 
satisfactoryfrom my point of view. The 
result is that your admirable paper has no 
sale in my country. You may suggest 
that the cause of this failure in circulation 
is attributable to the fact that it is not 
allowed to cross the frontier. Very likely 
you are right, so I beg you to "regularise" 
the situation. This could be easily done. 
All I would ask is that you should vacate 
your chair, and allow me to take your 
place. Then I should be able to do some- 
thing for you. It would be simplicity 
itself, especially on your side. You see 
from this suggestion that I am a bit of a 
wag myself. 

But let us be serious and business-like. 
I make the concrete proposal that I should 
become your Editor. 

Pray accept my distinguished considera- 
tion, and believe me (if you can) to be 
Your greatly maligned model, 

THE SULTAN; 



CABBY; OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. 

No. XIY. By " Hansom Jack." 

[" Gentleman Joe's invitation to his brethren to be present at the cabmen's 
matinee at the Prince of Wales'* is nothing if not thorough. Not 'fellow- 
cabbies ' merely, but ' their wires and babies ' also, are invited to celebrate 
Gentleman Jee's first birthday." Daily News.} 



Jos is a gentleman I Yes, and I reckon and guess, 

though we ain't toffs or bankers, 
There 's more o' that sort to be found, if they 're sought, amongst 

wot I may call London's " Gentleman Rankers." 
Grammar and gab don't make gents on a cab any more than they do 

in a ball-room or pulpit ; [day 'e '11 'ave a rare full pit. 

But Gentleman Joe is a gent, and I '11 bet that upon 'is first birth- 

I know some dirty pertaters, I do, who disgrace a cab-rank as they 
would church or chapeL [Mother Eve picked that apple. 

Guess the Old Sarpent 'as 'ad 'is fair pick, 'igh and low, ever since 

We've got our JABEZ BALJOUBSES and PIGGOTS, our fiddlers and 
diddlers, our crawlers and cadges. 

But wot price outsiders, wherever their pitch, under scarlet and 
epplets, or drab capes and badges ? 

Lent 's on, a slack time, but the weather is prime, and the winter's 

bin wonderful open and easy, 
No fog and no snow, not worth mentioning, no, but east-winds 

always make me feel snappy and sneezy ; 
And similarly with my betters, I s'poee ; leastways fares about now 

run most orkud and nippy ; 
They shuts down the glass, and they shuts up their pockets, and tells 

me, 'most 'arsh, to shut up, and look slippy. 

The pennorth o' voilets tied on to my whip, as the first sign o' 

spring all-a-blowing-a-growing, 
Don't melt 'em a mossel. Wot price button 'olerg when in your left 

ear a nor'-easter 's a-blowing ? 
Nobs with numb fingers don't drop on odd tanners when fumblin' 

with thick fur-topped gloves in a pocket. 
Rayther long shillinM " said insinivating-like, don't nail 'em now ; 

they are off like a rocket ! 

On togs and on temper our climate will tell. JUMPY JIM, a four- 

wheeler of thirty-year sarvice 
'Ardly anyone knows the full cut of 'is nb, any more than they do 

tb at ' is right r ame is JABVIS 
Looks just a big pile of assorted Ole Clo', ready packed for the rag- 

man and buyer of lumber. [and wrops without number. 

All you see is the top of a mulberry nose 'twixt a shiny sou' -wester 



" ' Spring, Spring, bae-yutif ul Spring I ' " pipes JUMPY, 'is voice like a 

feller saw-rasping ; 

Wish rhymy mugs could try spring on my box with old Jenny 
a-whetze like 'er marster a- gar aping. 

Potry 's like parsons, all flowery-ware, and no square solid facks as 
a oove can freeze on to. 

Me go see Gentleman Joe 1 Twig thes3 togs! There wos gentle- 
men, onst ; / dnnno where they 're gone to. 

" You 're f and of the flowery in gab or in garden-stuff, sing-song 

and patter, or smart button-'oler. 
Flower's won't feed yer, JACK. Give me good cabbage. It 's all 

iky sniff wiv smart slops and brown bowler, 
So trot to yer Prince o' Wyles mattynay, JACK, and see snide 

ABTHUB ROBEBTS a-doin' the dandy, [baccy and brandy." 

I 'd rather tuck my old duds on a settle, and dj a nice skulk over 

Ah, poor old JUMPY, Vs gone a bit balmy with troubles and tippling. 

'E 's arf off 'is crumpet, [like 'is style you can lump it. 

And if you remonsterate friendly like, snubs you, and sez if you don't 
" Rum 's my religion and baccy 's my Bible," 'e sneers, "and they 

don't ask no pew rents at my church. 
Saoks and dry stror is old JEM'S Sunday-best, and in them no one 

wants 'im at low church or 'igh church. 
"Drav a old miwy to chapel larst Sunday, two mile and ten yard, 

and she tipped me a shillin I [degryded old willin, 

Arsked 'er for jisttwo *d' more, for atoto' rum 'ot, and she sez, ' You 
You dirty old drunkard, 'ow dare you ? On Sunday, too, when we 

should all go to church.' If /do mum, 
I Btz, most respekful, you'll find me a seat nigh to you, I've no 

doubt ; but then, who will drive you, mum ? 
" She sniffed and flounced in, leaving me all-a-shiver houtside. 

Now old JUMPY is jest a mite dingy; 
But she, in 'er warm silks and furs, on the Sabbath, must treat a 

poor sinner, like me, mean and stingy, 
And fly in a tantrum acos I were thusty and chilled. Now, I arsk 

yer, wot sort of a sperit 
Wos she in for wurshup? If that's Sund ay-best- go-to-meetm , 

I '11 stick to my pub and prefer it ! " 
Wot could I say? "Fellow-cabbies" sometimes is not Gentleman 

Joes, but a tidy ways off it. [tried, with a good deal o' profit. 
Still, ABTHUB'S plan, class to class, man to man, might be of tener 
Swish .' There, by Jove, go my voilets a flying I Picked up by a 

grub of a gal too, Flash JENNY I 
She 's pinning them into 'er shabby old shawl, with a smile I Well, 

all right, I don't grudge 'er that penny I 



MARCH 7, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



113 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

A COWARD CYCLIST TO HIS COMPANION 
IN ELOPEMENT. 

MY nimble steed gives gallant stride, 

Your Safety 'a fresh and oiled : 
For love and liberty we ride, 

With courage never foiled ; 
Within my pocket lies the brief, 

Episcopally sealed, 
That makes our hope, a firm belief 

In Paradise revealed. 

Mark ! how we send along the'track 

With unabated dash ! 
What matter if the night be black ? 

It shows the lantern s flash ! 
What matter if the wind be cold ? 

It only warms my heart. 
See 1 By that milestone we are told 

We have a ten- mile start I 

Your father is a grave J. P., 

And rules with iron sway ; 
Your uncle is a grim C. C. ' 

They shall not stop our way ! 
They may not catch the fleetestUpair 

That ever " bikes " bestrode. 
I.'d like to know the man who 'd dare 

Dispute our right of road ! 

Ha I Ha ! The wheels are whirling 
round! 

The goal 's no longer far I 
Ha ! Ha ! The end will soon be found;! 

I laugh like Lochinvar ! 
What ho ? A locomotor's sound ! 

Your father's latest fad ? 
Together we must not be found. 

Farewell to you and dad ! 

Too bad ! 'Tis sad ! 
Did you say "cad"? 
Well, still I must to treadles trust. 
Farewell to you and dad 1 



BY THE BEACH. 
I. 

Oira winter season at Little Puddleton (per- 
fect southern climate) is in full swing. The 
JONESES are down from Balham, the SMITHS 
from Tooting, the other SMITHS from Bays- 
water, and the ROBINSONS from Walham 
Green. The SMITHS know the other SMITHS, 
and the JONESES, too : in fact, young SMITH 
is said to be rather gone on the eldest JONES 
girl, and the two have been noticed more 
than once in the moonlight (lovely moonlight 
nights here, not a bit cold), whispering sweet 
nothings on the pier. The JONESES are a 
numerous family. When fresh visitors arrive 
at Little Puddleton, the first thing they do 
is to try to count them. Estimates vary, 
and old friends have been known to quarrel 
over _ their results, but on one point all agree 
it is a perfect marvel how all those children 
can be packed away at night into those poky 
little lodgings. 

Ma JONES is a large, worried-looking lady, 
who is always forgetting something. Gener- 
ally it is the dinner. On these occasions there 
is a rush to the confectioner's, and the family 
dine immoderately on puffs and pastry. After 
that come the bilious attacks, and ADA, the 
eldest, spends the night administering pills. 

Pa JONES, for the most part, takes matters 
quietly. At times, however, and without any 
apparent cause, he bursts into a spasm of 
excitement ; and ever and anon, when you 
least expect it, his agonised voice is heard 
" GEORGE I GEORGE I Do not climb on that 
bathing-machine, Sir! I've seen so many 
bad accidents happen I HARRY I HARRY ! 
Come down from that breakwater! That's 




Johnny (who has to face a lad Monday, to Manager at Messrs, R-thsch-ld's). " AH 1 I WANT 

TO AH 1 SKK YOTT ABOUT AN OvBRDRAFT." 

Manager. "How MUCH DO YOXT REQUIRE?" 
Johnny. "An! HOW MUCH HAVE YOU GOT!" 



just the way people get drowned, you block- 
head!" 

Young SMITH, ADA'S young man, is a very 
beautiful creature. He wears a blue serge 
suit with brass buttons, a yachting hat, and 
a telescope. On very calm days he sometimes 
takes a shilling sail in The Sunbeam : on 
other occasions he paces the pier, or looks 
through his glass at a herring-boat and asks 
the coastguard what he makes of her. If no 
sail be in sight he turns his telescope upon 
the Parade and criticises the girls. " Taut 
little craft, that, by Jove I beating up for the 
shelter, but don't much like the look of the 
hulk lumbering in her wake. Phew ! saucy 
little barque scudding down there! Half a 
mind to run alongside and board her. And 
that 's her consort, flying the blue blouse I 
A regular clipper, bejove I " 

ADA thinks him not only very beautiful but 
astoundingly clever. She admires him im- 
mensely ; not, however, so much as he admires 
himself. He has proved a perfect gold mine 
to the beach photographer : he has been taken 
over and over again : sighting a sail through 
the telescope ; with the telescope under his, 
arm ; with the telescope extended ; with the 
telescope shut up ; with the telescope stand- 
ing in the foreground ; with the telescope lying 
at his side in short, with the telescope in 
every pose into which the beach photographer 
could persuade it. 

And once, to ADA'S great delight, young 
SMITH invited her to be taken with him. It 
was quite an event on the beach, and all 
Little Puddleton crowded round to see. They 
made a charming group; the photographer 
himself said so, and who should know so 



well as he ? ADA. is standing with her back 
against The Sunbeam ; young SMITH is bend- 
ing over and explaining the uses of the tele- 
scope which he nolds out for her inspection. 
ADA'S head is thrown back as she looks at 
her lover: her lips are parted in a happy 
smile, and she listens to the words of wisdom 
with wonder and interest. Altogether a beau- 
tiful picture. " He looks so noble I " thinks 
ADA ; and the photographer hands it round 
amongst the spectators as a triumph of his 
art. "It oughter 'ave a frime. Mister," 
says he. "A pink piper mount don't do it 
no justice, yer see." A frame let it have," 
replies young SMITH, with a lordly wave of 
the hand. The crowd applaud. "Ah!" 
cried the photographer, " them 's the sort for 
me I Gimme a free 'and like that and I '11 
show yer what Hart kin do ! " 

It is very beautiful. ADA agrees with the 
photographer, and even young SMITH admits 
that it is not half bad, by Jove! " You'd 
better keep it," he adds, in an off-hand way. 
as if it were a mere nothing. ".May IP"' 
says ADA, blushing with delight. May 1 
really have it ? " ADA is radiant all that day ; 
she cherishes the tin-type in her bosom, and 
I fancy you would be pretty safe in making 
a bet that when she retires to rest at night she 
dreams with it under her pillow. 

RECEPTION OF THE PRINCE AT BRISHTON 
BY ITS TWO REPRESENTATIVE NOBLEMEN. 
The Chain Peer, in full armour, and the 
West Peer, in his best west coat, were, of 
course, among the first to welcome H.li.H. 
to Brighton. 



114 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 7, 1896. 




WHAT OUR POET (THE NEWLY-MARRIED ONE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. 

"I'VE JUST RECEIVED TBE PROOFS OF MY COLMCTBD POEMS, DEAREST. Sit DOWN IN THE ARMCHAIR, AND MAKE YOURSELF 
THOROUGHLY COMrORFABLK, AND 1 *LL READ THEM TO YOU.'' 

"OH1 THAT WILL BE DELIGHTFUL; DARLING 1 ONLY, TOU SIT IN THE ARMCHAIR, AND I *LL SIT ON THIS LITTLE WOODEN SlOOL 
WITHOUT A BACK TO IT LEST I SHOULD SUDDENLY FEEL SLEEPY, YOU KHOW." 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

OLD SERVANTS, 

IF I ever ttart a hobby and a hobby-less old age would seem to 
offer a melincholy prospect I think 1 shall set up as a collector of 
old servants. _ Old servants -the genuine variety, 1 mean are rare, 
and rarity is in the collector's eyes the highest recommendation. In 
the feverish hurry of modern existence there is apparently no room 
for the servant who is not merely old in years, but old also in regard 
to the period of sarvice during which he has been attached to one 
family. Here ani there, for the most part in quiet country places, 
specimens are still to be found. They are easily recognisable. The 
skilled collector cannot be deceived as to a Chippendale table, a piece 
of old Leeds pottery, or a Stradivarins violin. Similarly, I shall lay 
my hands unerringly on the old servant wherever I hud him, and 
ehall employ all the diabolical cunning and persistency of enthusiasts 
in the eif -at to gain possession of my specimen and add him (or her) 
to my album or my gallery. 

I AM occasionally privileged to hear from a lady of my acquaint- 
ance about her maid, a real old servant if ever there was one. Far 
back in the mists of a remote antiquity are concealed the beginnings 
of her service. Originally, I incline to believe, she was a nurse- 
maid. She then passed into the housemaid's department, continued 
as a parlour-maid, and then married. After a snort spell of married 
happiness her husband died, and eh 9 returned to her ancient 
service, under the name of Mrs. WATSON, in the capacity of lady's 
maid. Ten years passed and she married again, her second husband 
being a Pole named BOBBINSKY. He, too, went the way of all Poles, 
and she returned again this time, as it appears, for good and all 
and now remains in unquestioned authority in the establishment of 
her old mistress. For some reason the second marriage is ignored ; 
and although she has every right to be called Mrs. BOBRINSKY, she 
is never addressed as anything but Mrs. WATSON, or WATSON for 
short. 

/ WATSOIT '" write ! my friend, "is a great stand-by and help i a 

e home, and is sewing and cutting out and planning to her heart's 

content. I wish you could have heard her remarks this morning 

about BOBRLNSKY'B funeral, and undertakers in general. I must try 



and remember some of them for you. Time, 8.30 A.M. S 3ene, my bed- 
room. I am in bed, taking breakfast. WATSON is seated at the 
bottom of the bed taking hers. We have it together, so that she cm 
wield the tea-pot and help generally ; and you will quite understand 
that, in order to show a proper respect, she takes hers on the most 
uncomfortable seat and in the most uncomfortable way ingenuity can 
devise. I happened to be reading something out of the morning 
paper about a funeral. 

" WATSON, interrupting, ' Lor I I wouldn't 'ave married a under- 
taker for all you could a* given me. No, not if 'is 'air was 'ung 
with di'monds, I wouldn't. I've 'ad enough of 'em ; first when 
the little un went, and the silly bit of poetry printed on the memorial 
card, pore little dear, about setting on is father's knee no more, and 
'im over seven and never 'ad set on 'is father's knee since 'e was 
three.' ' But who wrote the verses, WAISON ? ' I ventured to remark. 
WATSON : * Why, of course, the undertaker, 'e 'ad 'em done by some 
cheap poet. There's lots of 'em always ready for a ob and they was 
all the same for all the children in pur district, so stupid, but 
BOBRINSKY bein' a foreigner and knowin' no better, 'e rather liked 
them, and 'im and me 'ad a few words over it. But no more of 
them verses for me, said I, and when BOBRINSKY went, I told 'em, 
just a Plain as plain as could be ! ' 

11 ' THEY said they should advise feathers as more respectful, and 
would only rise it up to thirty shillings more, but I told 'em I wouldn't 
'ave a feather, not one, as I knoo BOBRINSKY would 'ate them plooms 
a noddin' over 'is 'ead. A plain urse and one, said I, is all I want. 
But all the same it came in eleven pound six, and my brother, 'e got 
ELLEN, 'is wife done for six pound ten. That shows you 'ow they '11 
take a single woman in. I 'ad nobody to 'elp me about it all, but my 
brother 'e made a bargain about ELLEN, and got 'er done at trade 
price, bein' in trade 'isself, you see, penny ices and periodicals, but 
still pays 'is way. She was a great trouble to my brother, was 
ELLEN, and a good job too when she went, which of course ehe was 
paralyzed in 'er chair and used to gibber at 'im when 'e asked 'er a 
question. But them undertakers, lor', I 'ave a 'orror of 'em a 
swindling lot 1 '" If any more examples of Mrs. WATSON'S wisdom 
should happen to come in my way I will not fail to make them 
known to my readers, and on the general subject of old servants 
there may be much more to be said on another occasion. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 7, 1896. 



s 




TWO OF A TRADE. 



FIBST H.Ktf>$u.AX (exhibiting his " Parliamentary Guillotine" invention). " WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?" 
SECOND HEADSMAN (meditatively}. " UM YES -I CAN CONCEIVE A SITUATION WHEN IT MIGHT BE EXTREMELY 
USEFUL ! " 



MARCH 7, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



117 




THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 

INTERESTING RESULT ATTAINED, WITS AID OF RONTGEN RAYS, 
BY A FIRST-FLOOR LODGER WHEN PHOTOGRAPHING HIS SITTING- 
BOOM DOOR. 



AT SCHOOL. 

[" The German EMPEROR is having a telephone put up between Berlin, 
Potsdam, and Ploen, so that he and the EMPRESS will be able to talk to 
heir sons when they are away from them at school." Sunday Times."] 

SCENE Ploen. Professor and young princes reading VIBGIL, 
"^Eneid," Book V. t line 47. 

Crown-Prince (construing). ..." bones of my divine father " 

[Telephone. 

Emperor. Well, boys, what are you doing this morning ? 

(Jr own- Prince. Going to do the boat-race. Rare sport I 

Emperor. Boat-race, indeed I I won't have any 01 your nonsense. 
You know perfectly well that it doesn't come off till March 28. By 
the way, I must not forget that telegram to the Oxford crew if 1hey 
win ; and 1 won't have you going to boat-races when you should be 
at your studies. Do you hear me ? 

Crown-Prince. All right, Sir. But it 's the boat-race in VIBGIL, 

don't you know. Trojan regatta and sports in Sicily 

[EMPEROR retires from telephone. Construing proceeds. Pre- 
sently bell rings again. 

Emperor. Are you there ? 

Crown-Prince. " Salve, sancte parens, iterum 1 " 

Emperor. Himmel, I will not endure ihese impertinences. If 
your professors cannot check your flippancy, I will have them all 
proceeded against forthwith for lese-mafeste. Acquaint them with 
my resolve. 

Crown-Prince. It's all right, Sir. Comes in the text, line 80. 
Look it out for yourself and you '11 see. 

Emperor. Oh, very well. That 's different, but don't let it occur 
again. I was going to say that to-day, being the anniversary of 
the battle of Donnerwetterenburg, you would do well to address a 
rmtriotic speech to local recruits. If no recruits, raise a regiment 
instantly. 

Crown-Prince. Right you are. I know. Regis voluntas suprema 
lex, and all that sort of thing. Getting on nicely with my Latin, 
you see. [Lesson proceeds for a few minutes. Telephone bell. 



Empress. Are you there, eitel FBITZ ? Did you take your proper 
dose of tonic after breakfast this morning ? 

Second Prince. Oh yes, rather I Three doses. (Aside, to Pro- 
fessor and Crown-Prince.) Bother that telephone. 

Empress. Are you sure that you have on your extra warm woollen 
underclothing P 

Second Prince. Should think I had, and two pairs of socks I 

Empress. Good boy ! 
[More VIBGIL. Most exciting part of race interrupted by 
telephone. 

Emperor. I forgot to say that I wish you, when addressing the 
recruits, to wear your uniform as Honorary Colonel of the Royal and 
Imperial Corps of Express District Bicycle-Messengers. 

Crown-Prince. I won't forget. But I really must have some new 
uniforms soon. The people here know all mine by heart now. 

Emperor. I will at once design you half a dozen or so myself. By 
the way, don't forget to say something about the Navy. We must 
have a German Navy three times as powerful as the combined 
fleets of 

Professor (reading aloud from text). "Quamquam ol sed su- 
perent quibus hoc, Neptune, dedisti 1 " 

Crown-Prince. Very well, 1 '11 remember. But we really must 
get on with the YIBGIL now. Just got to a good part. 

Emperor. Your love of study is gratifying to me; but do not 
forget that I expect you to also include swimming, fencing, bicycling, 
boxing, football and cricket, tkating and tennis, rowing, yachting, 
hockey and chess in your daily curriculum. 

Crown-Prince. Oh, do shut up ! (Leaves telephone.) I say, Pro- 
fessor, look here I This telephone 's a beastly nuisance, don't you 
know. What do you say, FBITZ, eh ? I vote we go and cut the 
wire I [ Unanimous adjournment for that purpose. 

CUCKOO ! 

["The cuckoo has been distinctly heard in the neighbourhood of Hat- 
field." Daily Press.} 

IN the neighbourhood of Hatfield now the cuckoo has been heard, 
Which establishes a record for this very early bird : 
Yet the sceptics are declaring that the statement is absurd, 

And a " cuckoo" I 

Once we thought the bird o' freedom that 's the eagle swift of flight 
With his talons and his beak against the lion wished to fight ; 
But 'twas found to be another fowl, yclept the Jingo Kite, 

Or the " cuckoo." 

If a ruler is as restless as the blatant Kaiser BILL, 
With his telegrams and twaddle, with his paiutiag-brush and quill, 
Wiser folks can only smile and say, " Poor thing, it can't keep still. 

cuckoo ! " 



Now, behold, the bard official twangs his lute both loud and long, 
But the instrument is crack'd, or else the strings have gone all wrong : 
For 'tis positive that ev'ryone would rather hear the song 

Of a cucko?.. 

When the bobby on his beat in wintry night 'mid storm and hail 
Halts and turns his searching bull's-eye light below the area rail, 
It is NOT to brave the burglar, but to get a glass of ale 

From the cook-oo. 

In the Arctic Expedition NANSEN bold, with trusty band, 
By dif covering the Pole has glory shed upon his land ; 
And the voice he heard the very first " from telegrams to hand " 

Was the cuckoo ! 



THE COMPLEA.T ANGOT-LEK. Two sheriffs, who raided St. John's 
Market, the Liverpudlian Billingsgate, in order to effect a " distress " 
upon a certain fish-wife, had a very warm reception at the hands of 
the marchande de maree. The debtor, or rather debtore*s, seems to 
have been what the Liverpool Courier, with href zy originality, calls 
" the pet of the market, like Charite, the Offenbachian heroine in 
La fille de Madame Angot ! " (We always had a vague idea that 
this opera was from LECOCQ'S pen, and that Clairette was heroine 
thereof.) Anyway, the lady in question was " ably supported," her 
fellow-tradeswomen rising up in arms for her against the invading 
sheriffs who" telle etait la mere Angot" would, have met with an 
untimely fate had it not been for the arrival of a posse of police to 
the rescue. A Hibernian spectator of the fray is said to have 
remarked, " Avick I shure an' it reminds me of an eviction I ' 

WHAT SIB A. MACKENZIE OMITTED TO SAY IN HIS HEMABKS ON 
" MUSICAL PITCH." That " this was a sort of pitch which you could 
touch, and yet could come out with clean hands." 

CLASSIC COMMINGLING. Dr. " JIM " is Leander and Hero rolled 
into one. 



118 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 7, 1896, 




MARCH 7, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



119 



THE CHILDREN'S CORNUCOPIA. 

(Conducted "by Auntie Chickabiddy.) 

OUR PRIZE WINNERS, 

Class 3. Class 1. Class 2. 






BUNTING BUBBLES. CORA BBNANGEL. DORA DIMPLE. 

(Aged 6.) (Aged 13.) (Aged 9.) 

Prize. The Poet Laure- Prize. ADAM SMITH'S < Prize. YOUNG'S 

ate'B England?! Darling. Political Economy. Night Thoughts. 

DBAS DABLINGS, The above are the portraits of your little friends 
who have been clever enough to carry off the prizes in the three 
classes devoted to English Composition. I give their essays below so 
that you may see for yourselves that COBA, DORA, and BUNTING 
have fairly won the diplomas which accompany the valuable book?. 
The judges were the Dowager Countess of SNUFFINGTON, Lady 
THEOPHBASTA CHABLEMAGNE-TUBBS, and the Hon. Mrs. CAMELSUMP. 
Afk Papa, Mamma, or governess to show you these ladies' names in 
Burke'* or Watford's Peerage ; either work you will learn to love 
and appreciate when you are older. I have not been out lately on 
account of a severe cold, so you cannot expect much news, but this 
must interest you. My beautiful Kamtchatka pussy, JBuz-Wuz, 
has made me a present of five lovely w'ee-wee kittens. I am going 
to sell them to my friends for the small sum of 2 a-piece in order 
that I may help a poor lady, who does not wish her name to be 
known. So if any of your relatives would like them they should 
write at once, for I want the poor lady to go to the South of France 
as soon as possible. Charity begins at home, but often ends abroad. 
My doctor says that I ought to eeek the bright sun and fair flowers 
of the Riviera, so, perhaps I, too, mav have to tear myself away from 
dear, dismal England. But I shall be back, if I do make the 
journey, in time to arrange your Easter Fancy-dress Danes, invitation 
cards for which can now be had, price half- a- guinea each. As the 
numbsr of guests must be limited, it would be as well to apply at 
once for the cards. The refreshments will include tea, coffee, 
lemonade, sandwiches, cake, oranges, apples, and, perhaps, ices, and 
I hope to engage the Green Bohemian Band. The Grand Duchess of 
GBUNTERSHEIM (look up this country in the map) has graciously 
promised to be present. So we must look forward to a gay and select 
meeting. Always, darlings, Your true friend, 

AUNTIE CHICKABIDDY. 

P.S. Here are the successful essays : 

CLASS I. 
Subject : The Rite and Fall o f Napoleon the Great. 

DEAR AUNTIE, NAPOLEON was a bad man, but he crossed the 
Alps by the use of vinegar. He fought everybody, including the 
King of ENGLAND and the Emperor of RUSSIA. It was on his famous 
retreat from St. Petersburg that he skated over the Danube on the 
ioe. Afterwards he lost the battle of Sedan, and died in the Isle of 
Elba, of a broken heart. He invented boots like his rivals, the Duke 
of WELLINGTON and Colonel BLUCHEB. I hope this will win the 
prize. . Yours, most affectionately, COBA. 

CLASS II. 

Subject : Vegetarianism. 

DEABEST AUNTIE, The cow is a vegetarian, and so was NEBU- 
CHADNIZZAB (I didn't spell this word myself), and so are my rabbits 
and CHABLEY'S guinea pigs. So is grandma, who likes sparrow- 
grass, and always chews the cud. If a lion was one, he would eat 
vegetable marrow-bones. Oar ponyloves apples and sugar. So do I. 

Your loving DOBA. 

CLASS III. 
Subject : Babies. 

DABLING AUNTIE, I used to like babies when I was one. Now I 
don't. They cry all day. Your own little BUNTING. 

UNCONFIBMED REPOBT. That President CLEVELAND was, on the 
anniversary of WASHINGTON'S birthday, presented by his country- 
men with a facsimile of little GEOBGE'S axe. Oliver Twist's "ax" 
is more in GBOVEB'S line. 



PROTEST BY A PRECISIAN. 

(After reading an Article on "Amateur Sport." Cup and 
League Football.) 

We 're game to praise, 
Although that phrase 

Hath a pedantic sound. 
But "semi-finalist"' * 



O SPOBTIVE Muse, 

We can't refuse, [to twist ; 

For you our English tongue 
But we do squirm 
At that vile term, 

A "semi-finalist "I 
It is too bad I 

The stalwart lad [mate round," 
Left in " the ante-penulti- 



That " well of English unde- 
nted"! 

Such bastard lingo who can 
pass 

And not feel rilel P 



A PROBLEM. 

WHY is a traveller by the L. C. and D. Railway, who cannot 
afford first-class fare, and who refuses to travel third, likely to do 
the journey from Victoria to Rimsgate by the Granville Express in 
less than a seven thousandth part of the two hours usually occupied ? 
Solution : Because, starting from Victoria, he arrives at Ramsgate 
in a second. 

TO VALET UDINABIANS. ADVICE FOB MABCH 10. 

Go to Bow Street if ailing in health or in limb, 

For you '11 find Surgeon BRIDGE there, and eke Doctor JIM. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAKY OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, February 24. A pleased smile 
illumined PBINCE ARTHUR'S countenance to-night when Private 
HANBUBY was brought up to the triangle and received three dozen. 
DON JOSE smiled responsive. " Most useful fellow," said PBINCE 
ARTHUB ; " does his work capitally in Downing Street ; says nothing 
with becoming grace on the Treasury Bench ; and now, when you 
and I might expect to be hauled up with embarrassing reminiscences 
of what we said and did when a much milder gag than ours was pro- 
posed by Mr. G. in order to carry his Home-Rule Bill, HANBUBY is 
dragged out, takes his punishment, and we escape." 

A good deal in this. 

" Remembering, and it seems but yesterday, all that was said and 
done in Session of 1893, in denunciation of time-closure invoked tem- 
porarily in face of avowtd obstruction, after prolonged endeavour to 
make way under ordinary sail, it takes away one's breath to hear 
PBINCE ARTHUB blandly propose a severer form of gag, not applica- 
ble to a Bill in exceptional circumstances, but automatically choking 
discussion on the Estimates, not for one Session but for all time." 

Thus SABK, his honest face flushed with surprise, his tender bosom 
heaving with emotion. But SABK is comparatively young ; superla- 
tively honest- a sort of Parliamentary ingenu. To older Parlia- 
mentary Hands the situation is charmingly interesting. They have 
seen many things on the same lines. - No place in the world where 
conversions are more rapid and complete than in the House of 
Commons. The Right Hon. Member for Tarshish rides out one day a 
Coeroionibt. His horse stumbles ; he remounts a Home Ruler, and 
gallops over everything in his new career. Or the other way about ; 
or the same thing on half a dozen leading questions of the day. 
If the individual is prominent, spiteful things are said; speeches 
delivered in his earlier mood are resurrected; he is pelted with 
passages. But not in modern times has the somersault, taken by a 
whole Treasury Bench and the bulk of a great Party, been so 
sudden, or done within the bounds of so narrow a stretch of carpet. 

Cap' en TOMMY BOWLES, faithful among the faithless found, will 
have none of the business. No Parliamentary Benedick he. When 
PBINCE ABTHUB and DON Josf said they would die rather than con- 
sent to the gag, they did not believe they would live to force it on to 
the House of Commons. Cap' en TOMMY, with them in 1893 when 
they walked the strait path, parts from them in 1896, when they go 
astray. The CAP'EN is, after all, almost human, and his voice 
falters, his eye is clouded with unwonted moisture as it falls on the 
figure of his apostate friend, now seated 9n Treasury Bench. 
Memories of early happy days soften the indignant rigour of his 
regard. He remembers how, a Parliamentary infant, he sat 
on the knee of Private HANBUBY, was suckled on the Estimates, 
weaned upon motions for the reduction of Ministers' salaries. And 
now his nurse, his mentor, just for a handful of silver, just 
lor a ribbon to stick in his coat, has joined the brigand band he 
kaught the lisping TOMMY to shy stones at. The only comfort 
the deserted, desolate human wreck has is in the reflection that if 
some of 'Private HANBUBY' s earliest efforts had succeeded he would 
now be drawing only half his Ministerial salary. 

Business done. PBINCE ABTHUB brings in the gag ; lays it on the 



120 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[MARCH 7, 1896. 



table; a*ks House to open its mouth and shut its eyes and see what 
he and DON JOSE will give it. 

Tuesday. When, just before midnight, after s^vtn hours 1 debate 
on and round the gagging resolutions, VICARY GIBBS was observed 




"OVER THE BORDER AVITH MORLEY.'' 

Sir "W-ll-m explains the mysteries of " cess and steat." 

rising to his feet, a shudder ran through hitherto languid House. 
Old Members recalled how, on a famous night in July in the Session of 
1893, VICARY'S hand set a light to the smouldering fires of resent- 
ment, causing them to blaze forth with uncontrollable force, un- 
paralleled ferocity. New Members had read all about it. Here was 
(bat for a minor detail) a repetition of the causes that led up to the 
famous free fight which earned for Cjlonel SAUNDERSON favourable 
mention in the despatches. The gag, more severe and more syste- 
matic than that whose operation was the signal for the historic 
Seville, was again proposed. 

Th* minor detail, of course, is that the very men who, in the 
Home-Rule Session, indignantly denounced, resolutely resisted, the 
iniquitous attempt to tamper with freedom of debate, to-day occupy 
the Treasury Bench. That, of coarse, has little bearing on the 
incident of the moment. However it be with them, to a man of 
VICARY'S independence, Trojan and Tyrian are the same. Not for 
him to affirm that that in PRINCE ARTHUR'S but a choleric word 
which in Mr. G. was flat blasphemy. He will do the right thing 
whate'er befall. 

Members momentarily withdrawing their gaze from the prema- 
turely brindled hair of the still young advocate of freedom of speech, 
looked round for HATES FISHER. Was he ready to play again his 
patriotic part? When, on that fateful night, LOGAN, sauntering 
past the Front Opposition bench, seated himself partly on CABSON, 
Q C , and partly on the bench, HATES FISHER, safe in entrenchment 
on the bench behind, punched him on the nape of the neck. Real 
merit is always modest. When called to account HAYES FISHER, 
whilst blushingly admitting his intrepid action, insisted upon 
assigning the whole initiative of the row to Mr. GLADSTONE. Mr. 
G. is far removed from the scene to-night, restful by the blue water 
that laps the shore at Cannes. If HAYES FISHER means business, 
and, in obedience to instinct of a noble nature, insists on appor- 
tioning elsewhere the meed of praise, he must pick out some one 
else. 

But HAYES FISHER is not here. As for YICART, he is nearly three 
years older, and has evidently done with war and its alarms. His 
helm is now a hive for bees. They buzz reproach round the head of 
PRINCE ARTHUR, inasmuch as he " has put a very heavy strain on 
faithful and loyal followers." Bat it is a mild reproof, grand- 
motherly compared with the fierce trumpet-tones of defiance that 
rang through the same Chamber on the same provocation three years 
ago. Colonel SAUNDERSON having, when VICAHY rose, grasped the 
street-door key, without which, since his experience of that July 
night, he never approaches Parliamentary debate, let it drop again 
in the recesses of Ms pocket. It will not be wanted to-night to cool 
abraised cheeks, smitten in hand-to-hand fight in resistance of that 
unholy, un-English institution, the gag. 

Business done. Gagging Resolution discussed. 



Thursday. Nothing BO pleasing during course of debate on our 
Procedure than readiness of the new Members to come forward and 
settle knotty points. Subject full of intricacies. Oldest Parliamentary 
Hands (with exception, of course, of the CAP'EN) occasionally floored 
by it. Once to-night, just when PRINCE ARTHUR seemed to be 
entering port with his precious cargo in prime condition, shipwreck 
was imminent. Something like hopeless muddle ensued ; bewildered 
Members clamoured feebly for adjournment, that being, apparently, 
the only safe thing. Through the storm the new Members sat 
serene and confident, radiant with joyous consciousness of that 
ability which is prior to knowledge. If there is one thing in the 
world they really know nothing about, it is the bearings of ^Parlia- 
mentary procedure. Therefore they can discuss it. 

DRAGE did, with effect accidentally marred by presence of SQUIRE 
OFMALWOOD. Him he turned out of Derby at General Election. Rolled 
him out of borough like an empty beer-barrel. Emerging to-night 
from No. 1, Cloister, Temple, E.G. (" DRAGE just the man to select a 
cloister for residence," says SARK), he thought he would tell House 
more than he knew about Procedure. Just as he was beginning his 
eve fell upon figure of the SQUIRE. With the fine instinct of new 
Member as to what exactly suits taste of House, DRAGE, having spare 
oyster shell in his rocket, thought it would be nice to shy it at the 
Figure. Nothing House of Commons so thoroughly appreciates as 
spectacle of now Member, of young-mannish appearance, making his 
maiden speech, t ay ing something grossly impertinent about the 
Leader of the Opposition. Pleasure enhanced by knowledge of fact 
that in an electoral contest of recent date the old Member had been 
unseated by the new. " A monumental instance of inconsistency 
throughout his political life," was the reflection that occurred to 
Mr. DRAGE as he regarded the SQUIRE. 

Effect of carefully conned sentence a little disappointing. House 
growled its discontent. DRAGE surprised: began to with he was 
safely back in the Cloister, E.G. Thought he heard Dr. CLARK 
smile. Turned upon him with cloistered severity. Rebuked him in 
the name of private Members. 

"I made no observation," said Dr. CLARK, justly amazed at his 
own forbearance. 

" Ha 1 " cried DBAGE, frowning : " it 
is perhaps as well that the hon. Mem- 
ber did not." 

"Now that at least is good," eaid 
the appreciative SARK. " It comes 
nearer to a repartee by the Hatter than 
anything heard out of Wonderland." 

Applause grew so persistent and 
promiscuous that the new Member 
abruptly resumed his seat, having 
omitted to say what he had risen to 
propound on the subject of New Proce- 
dure Rules. 

Business done. Procedure Rules 
agreed to, with proviso that Stlect 
Committee shall be appoints 1 to deter- 
mine exactly what we and they mean. 

Friday. Romped through the sup- 
plementary estimates. At half-past 
seven, when last was voted, J. W. 
LOWTHER, breathless with rapidity of 
putting successive questions in record 
time, led out of chair and laid on his 
back in cool passage. 

Seemed as if under new condition 
of things business of sitting would 
be wound up in time to go to dinner. 
But, Supply disposed of, HAVELOCK 
WILSON hove alongside with his Mer- 
chant Seamen Bill. Not much bktd 
in Ministerial circles. But would look 
bad to throw it out on second reading. 
So second reading agreed to, on con- 
sideration that nothing more shall be 
heard of Bill until Committee on Man- 
ning of Merchant Ships has reported. 
" Then," said RITCHIE, " we '11 see." 

Business done. Supplementary E s- 
timates agreed to. PRINCE ARTHUR 
says he didn't promise Select Commit- 
tee to inquire into New Procedure Rule 
and tell House, which has just passed 
it. exactly what it meant in so doing. 
What he did promise was something 
quite different. " 'E dunnoi where we 
are," said Cap' en TOMMY, scratching 
the crown of his head with the point 
of his hook as is his habit in moments 
of abstraction. Mr. Leggy, M.P. 




MARCII 14, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



121 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE GENEROUS WHIST-PLATER TO THE 
ERUDITE MAIDEN. 

"Wtf out for'partners. YouTand I 

Were destined to be vis- d- vis. 
You said the foe we might def r. 

You were so glad to fight with me I 
For grandmamma had shown you all 

The scientific skill she knew, 
Had taught you how for trumps to cal], 

And how to score with chances few. 

With eager zest the game commenced, 

Our adversaries three tricks made. 
Now, really, I was not incensed 

When you played club instead of 

spade ; 
Nw was I angry when you placed 

That fatal king upon my queen. 
Of course, I saw the card was faced, 

Another deal there should have been. 

'Iwas scarcely wise the fourth time 
round 

The ace of diamonds to lead ; 
But then it often has been found 

That theory is worse than deed. 
A bumper rubber I Yet your smile 

Was not less joyous than before, 
11 With hearts for trumps, just wait a 
while!" 

You cried, as we began once more. 

'Twas in the middle of the game, 

In dire distress, I breathed a wish 
That grandmamma, of matchless fame, 

Had read a little Cavendish. 
'Twas quite by accident I spoke 

My stupid tongue I can't restrain I 
So do blame me for your revoke 

And let us partners be again I 



ROYALTY BICYCLING. 

H.R.H. The Prince of WALES has taken 
to I icy cling. After the usual spill or two, 
which all first-rate riders whether on 
horses or wheels must experience, His 
Royal Highness is becoming such an ex- 
pert that a change of title is seriously 
contemplated. If the alteration can be 
made without harm to the British Consti- 
tution (an excellent one enjoyed by the 
enjoys), then H.R.H. will be known as 
11 The Prince of Wheels." 



DR. FISHES, Soffragan Buhop of South- 
ampton, is evidently exceptionally and 
deservedly popular. According to the 
Westminster, he has enormous influence 
with jockeys in Yorkshire" and "at 
Newmarket." "FISHER" is an appro- 
priate name for a Bishop, as " Piscator 
hominum'' ; and it is si proved by his 
already having caught the jockeys, and 
all "on his own hook." May he follow 
in the footsteps of the great Bishop 
FISHER ; only, may he never " lose his 
head," as tbat good ecclesiastic did, ex- 
cept for conscience sake. 

COMPETITIVE EXAMINATIONS SUPER- 
SEDED BY IHE NEW PHOTOGRAPHY. The 
examiners will simply have to use the 
latest photographic apparatus to Bee if a 
candidate has any brains or not. Of 
course, the examination will be in camera. 

SHAKSPEARE AND "THE NEW PHOTO- 
GRAPHY."" Sit you down. ... I set you 
np a glass where you may see the inmost 
part of you." Hamlet, Act III., Sc. 4. 

OPENING SCENE or NEW NAUTICAL 
ARCTIC DRAMA." Curtain rises, North 
Pole discovered," 



MR. PUNCH'S PLAYINC CARDS. 




No. II. TRUMPS KING OF HEARTS OF OAK. 



PROPOSED REGULATIONS FOR HIDE PARK. 

(Compiled to please the Wheeling Minority.) 

1. THE gates shall be open from daybreak to sun- 
down, for the benefit of the cyclists. 

2. Carriages drawn by, and riders mounted on, 
horses will be only admitted at convenient hours, 
for the benefit of the cyclists. 

3. Volunteer corps will not be allowed to take up 
positions, for the benefit of the cyclists. 

4. Public meetings will not be held in the custo- 
mary spots, for the benefit of the cyclists. 

5. Flower-beds will be removed and the sites 
levelled, for the benefit of the cycliste. 

6. Military bands will be discontinued, for the 
benefit of the cyclists. 

7. Schools will not be permitted to take exercise 
in processions of twos and twos, for the benefit of 
the cyclists. 

8 and last. The park shall be closed in the face of 
the general public, for the benefit of the cyclists. 



Mem. by a Man. 

(After reading Lord Woheley's Speech.) 

DESPITE New Woman nonsense, crass, immense, 
If still the Briton is to rule the brine, 

Tis very clear our " First Line of Defence" 
Must still be mason-line ! 



HAPPYAND IMPERIAL AFTER- THOUGHT. "By some 
most unaccountable oversight I omitted to send my 
customary congratulations to the Shoan Chief on his 
recent victory. May I ask you, my dear and most 
excellent Mr. P-nch, to make known publicly how 
much I regret this strange but absolutely uninten- 
tional omission ? Yours, W-LL-M (IMPERATOR)." 



LATEST CRICKET. What were the English Team 
in Australia "out for"? They were out for a 
holiday. 

THE RICHEST TRIAL GOING. The St. George's 
Election Petition is eaid to have cost four guineas a 
minute. Si non e vero e Sens trovato. 



THE CHAUNT OF THE BODLEY HEAD. 

(After Praed.) 

I THINK what modern mortals crave, 

With feverish endeavour, 
Is work erotically brave, 

Satanically clever : 
I think no book should now be long, 

And therefore I determine 
That paradox must mark the song, 

And epigram the sermon. 

I think the business of the wise 

Is with old rules to quarrel, 
Defiant of the decencies, 

Oblivious of the moral ; 
The rule of Art the Autocrat 

Np ethic impulse troubles, 
While priest says this, and pedant that, 

Art blows mephitic bubbles. 

I think they should be brightly blown, 

Though full of poisonous vapour, 
Sin's iridescent sheen alone 

Outshines dull Virtue's taper. 
Old Honesty temptation flies, 

And bids the devil behind him ; 
But we log-roll the Sire of Lies, 

And Beardsleyesquely bind him. 

I think to grub like ghouls in graves 

For gruesome allegories, 
Creative talent while it saves, 

Gives vogue to vapid stories. 
Old-fashioned critics carp and fume, 

Neurotic nonsense banning ; 
But while the bookstalls give us room, 

Fresh bogies pay for planning. 

I think the DICKENSES and HOODS, 

Their stories and their verses, 
Too cheerful far for modern moods, 

WJhich run on crimes and curses, 
I think Modernity must frown 

On Nell, or We Are Seven ; 
For nothing now will take the town 

That smacks of home or heaven. 

I think Love 's like a problem-play 

Where Pan and POOLE are blended ; 
Or like a foul November day. 

Whose fog in sludge is ended. 
Good fun in coster, cad, or rough, 

In slums and " fourpenny dosses " ; 
But, bound in marriage bonds, stale stuff, 

Which natural instinct crosses. 

I think that sex, old he and she, 

Want some new common measure, 
That love, like union, should be free, 

Its only object pleasure. 
One man one wife might well content 

The drudge, the saint, the friar, 
Were wedlock more a sacrament 

And woman less a liar. 

I think that Wit should woo St. Giles, 

And not St. George, or Stephen. 
That Rahab and her subtle wiles 

Make Fancy's truest heaven. 
The pink and pure no more delight 

Your genius-gifted fellow, 
Now genuine Art is black and white, 

And Literature all yellow. 

The world for geniuses has sighed, 

And I, in sheaves, have found them ; 
I 've printed them with margins wide, 

Ana arabesquely bound them. 
Some who once worshipped, in remorse 

Their idols now seem ourning ; 
But I keep on my even course, 

A lane that has no turning. 



MOTTO FOR MR. LECKY AND OTHERS. 
They who play at (TOMMY) BOWLES must 
expect rubbers. 

THE BEST OF SMUGGLED GOODS. 
JAMESON'S spirits. 



VOL. ex. 



122 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 14, 1896. 




MARCH 14, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



123 




THE METROPOLITAN STATUES SUPPLY ASSOCIATION. 

[" Mr. AKERS-DOPGLAS, replying to Mr. LABOTTCHERE as to whether his 
attention had been called to a *tatue ' purporting to be of the late Mr. JOHN 
BRIGHT in the Central Lobby, and whether it is to remain there,' said that 
it was erected unde r arrangements made with his predecessors. He admitted 
that there were very varied views as to its artistic merits."] 

THIS company has been formed for the purpose of supplying 
public statues and monuments on the hire system. In consequence 
of the numerous complaints against existing 
statues, there is reason to believe that tem- 
porary memorials, if obtainable, would be uni- 
versally erected. The ^ promoters expect that 
the company will be immediately appointed 
Sole Purveyors of Statues to the Houses of 
Parliament. It is needless to draw attention 
to the many advantages which would have 
accrued to the pockets of the subscribers, to 
the uninterrupted progress of traffic, and to 
the public cjmfort and convenience generally 
not to mention the cause of Art if the 
majority of statues and memorials in London 
had been obtained on this system, and had 
been subsequently removed. The apparently 
permanent erections and statues in various 
recent exhibitions have shown that the use of 
real bronze or marble is an old- fashioned and 
exploded fallacy. 

Guaranteed Portrait Department. On 
payment of ten per cent, extra on the hiring 
terms, a certificate cf correct resemblance, signed by the executors 
of the person represented, will be supplied with the statue. 

Circulating Statuary Department Sbatues lent out in the same 
manner as books from Messrs. MUDIR'S. For terms of subscription, 
apply to the Secretary. Statues cannot be changed more frequently 
than once a week. 

Memorials Department. Larger erections, containing several 
statues or groups, supplied at the shortest notice. A large selection of 
horses, grilling, and other animals. The hitherto disregarded anatomy 
and action of these fabulous monsters will be carefully attended to. 
_ Fountains Department. The new patent fountains, with imita- 
tion jets of water, will be a special feature. This new invention 
(.bvutes the wetting of passere-by, the fear of which has hitherto 
prevented the use of a large jet, and has necessitated a meagre squirt 
or dribble of water, c f mean and ridicule us appearance. The new 
jets, of a patent metallic compound, gleam in the sunlight, and are 
varied at intervals in rise and fall by an arrangement of springs in 
the fountain. They are at present manufactured in Germany by the 
Wiisenschaftlichekunstgesellschaft, the Scientific Art Company, of 
Berlin. Real water for drinking purposes, rarely required, can, if 
wished, be supplied from a tap. 

Secondhand Department. A large number of returned statues, 
misfits, and other slightly damaged stock, will be offered for sale at 
immense reductions. Suitable for provincial towns, tea-gardens, 
newly-erected villa residences, &c., &c. Warranted to stacd the 
weather if properly varnished once a year. Great reduction on 
taking a qiiantitv. 

Preliminary Notice of Sale. A job lot of real bronze and marble 
statues, removed from Westminster, Trafalgar Square, the City, 
&c., will shortly be offered at ridiculously low price?. Also an 
aluminium angel (tarnhhed), and a griffin. Both with very spirited 
action. Suitable for exportation to Central Africa. 



FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS. 
(As they ought to be Reported. ) 

KING PREMPEH and Suite are making a length- 
ened stay at Elmina Castle. 

Ex- PrimeMinisterRAiNiLAiRivoNYis expected 
at Geryville, Algeria, from Madagascar. 

ABA m PAHA continues to enjoy the salubrious 
climate of Ceylon. 

Dr. LEANDER JAMESON, Sir JOHN WILLOTJGHBY, 
the Hon. H. F. WHITE, the Hon. R. WHITE, 
Mr. C. P. FOLET, and friends, have arrived in 
town, after a short tour in the Transvaal. 

Major LOTHAIBE has been summoned to 
Leopoldville, Congo Free State, on urgent 
personal business. 

The King of BTJRMAH and family are still on 
a visit to the GOVERNOR- GENERAL OF INDIA.. 




THE ROYAL ACADEMY HAS NOW REACHED A MOST PROSPEROUS 
PERIOD. It is enjoying its Millaisnium. 



HOME! DULL HOME! 

(Up-to-date Version of a very Out-of-date Song.) 

["We English are learning how to live, and even to take our pleasures less 
sadly. . . . Another decade or so may see us a pleasure-loving nation. Yes, 




Budget."] 

'Mio Rinks and Ice Palaces now let us 

roam! 
Be it ever so risky it's better than 

home. 
A spell as of lead seems to deaden us 

there, 
Let's mix in the world and cavort 

everywhere. 

Home ! home I dull, dull home ! 
A slow place is home 1 A slow place 
is home ! 

To learn how to live we must quit the 

fireside, 
The up-grade of life is on Fashion's 

full tide. 
Your stay-at-home dowdy is now out 

of date, 
To keep up to time, you must bike 

and must skate. 

Home I home ! dull, dull home ! 
Be it ever so stylish, a slow place is 
home! 

" Keep house," in a suburb ? What prison were that ! 
No, no, we '11 hang out on a snoait West-End flat. 
Sky- scraping, perchance, but with that we '11 make shift, 
For we 're raised in the world by the aid of a lift. 

Home I home ! Who cares for home ! 

Be it ever so lofty, a flat may be home 1 

The sweet domesticities women now flout, 
The Darby and Joan style of thing is played out. 
" The social pulse quickens," as everyone feels, 
And the world, like our women, now goes upon wheels. 
Home ? home ? Man 's not a gnome, 
To dwell in a dull hole because it 's called home ! 

The unselfish stay-at-home girl has no chance ; 

She must tennis and flirt, she must bike, skate, and dance. 

In tammy and jupe, or in rational dress, 

She must flourish around if she 'd score a success. 

Home P home ? Abroad she must roam, 

Or be doomed all her days to that dull place called home ! 

If married and mother she yet plays her part ; 

With six charming children fhe still must look " smart." 

For, judging by facts, what Society likes 

Is a maid who is bold, and a matron who bikes. 

Home ? home ? Froth, flash, and foam, 

Our women now crave, and they 're scarce found at home I 

A prisoner at home, woman grizzles in pain 
" Oh ! give me my knickers and cycle again ; 
The high- collared JOHNNIES who come at my call, 
Give me them, with the fizz of mind dearer than all 1 " 
Home ? home ? Dull, dull home I 
Till a woman turns sixty a slow place is home I 



BILLIARDS TJP-TO-DATE. A match 7500 up is being played at 
Manchester between Mrs. RICHARDS aid J. MACE:. This is the first 
time, says the Liverpool Daily Post, that a lady player has appeared 
in public. But there is no reason why the fair sex should not 
succeed in this new sphere of action. For ladies are not lacking in 
ctte-riosity, and thoroughly understand the art of " nursing." The 
Lady Professional Billiard Player is in training to lead troops, as she 
at least will never faint at the sourd of a cannon ! 



WELL PROTECTED. Both Houses of Parliament are provided with 
an inexhaustible ttock of great bores, small beres, and old-fashioned 
smooth bores. With their aid either Chamber can be cleared in less 
than three minutes. 

WHY is the Primrose League particularly interested in President 
KRUGER'S visit ? Because he is Premier of a Pretoryan Parliament. 



124 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 14, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(By BABOO HUBBY BUNGSHO JABEERJEE, B.A.) 

No. VI. 
Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia. ' '' t _ 

THE dialoquial form is now become an indispensable factotum in 
periodical literature, and so, like a brebis de Panurge, I shall follow 
the fashion occasionally, though with rather more obedience to a 
literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in Punch 
have thought worth to practise. Time : the other morning, Scene : 
the breakfast-table at Portioobello House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself 
and other select boarders engaged in masticating fowl eggs .with their 
concomitant bacon, while intelligently discussing topical subjects (for 
we carry out the poetical recipe of "Plain thinking and high living"). 

Miss Jessimina (at the table-head). The papers seem eloquent in 
laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I 
should like to go if I had anyone to take me ! 

Mr. Wylie (stingily). And I would be enraptured at so tip- top an 
opportunity, but for circumstance of 
being stonily broken. 

[Helps himself to the surviving 
fowl egg. 

Mr. Cossetter (in sepulchral tone). 
Alack I that dootorial prescriptions 
do nill for me such nocturnal jinks ; 

otherwise 

[He treats himself to a digestible 
pill. 

Myself (taking a leap into the 
darkness and deadly breaches). Since 
other gentlemen are not more obse- 
quious in gallantry, I hereby tender 
myself for honour of accompanyist 
and vade mecum. 

Miss Jess, (lowering the silken 
curtains of her almond-like orbs). 
Oh, really, PKINCE I So very unex- 
pected 1 I must obtain the expert 
opinion of my Mamma. 

Mistress MANZLETOW did approve 
the jaunt on condition of our being 
saddled by a select lady boarder of 
the name of SPINE: as a tertium quid 
to play at propriety ; at which I was 
internally disgusted, fearing she 
would play the old gooseberry with 
our tete-d-tete. 

Having arrived at Olympia, we 
perambulated the bazaar prior to the 
commencement of the shows, and here 
(after parting with rs. 8 for three 
seats on the balcony) 1 did bleed more 
freely still, for Miss JESSIMINA ex- 
prested a passionate longing to pos- 
sess my profile, snipped out of paper 
by the scissors of a Silhouette, for 
which I mulcted one shilling sterling. 

And, after all, although it proved 
the alter ego and speaking likeness of 
my embossed Bombay cap and golden ^i t h a i arge 

spectacles, she found the fault that 

it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness ; not 
reflecting (with feminine imperceptivity) that, the material being 
black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of afl 
alike! 

Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a 
pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their 
baptismal appellation (another rupee I). 

Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing 
the future for a penny in the slit, and Miss JESSIMINA worked the 
oracle with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing 
his optics and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce 
a small paper which she opened eagerly. 

Miss Jess, (after perusal). Only fancy ! It says I 'm " to marry a 
dark man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What 
ridiculous nonsense I do you not think so, PBIHCE ? 

Myself (tpith a tender sauciness). Poet SHAKSPEABE asserts there 
are more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. 
I am not a superstitious and yet this mechanical demon may have 
seen correctly through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a 
worshipful adorer who might be described as dark, and to whose 
native land it is a long journey ? 

Miss Jess, (with the complexion of a tomato). It's time we took 
our seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly I 



It is notorious that the English female vocabulary contains no more 
caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I 
repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious 
appreciation. Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnifi- 
cent, though the introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too 
great prevalence of the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, 
nor do I see the rationality of engaging a sais in topped boots to 
attend upon each machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of 
its belonging to the equine genus, since it can never become the 
similitude of a horse in mettlesome vivacity. 

My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the 
extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of 
a huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from 
scientific considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of 
gravitation, it was not possible for any rider to become a loser of bis 
equilibrium lo and behold ! two of the competitors made the/actVta 
descensus, and were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a 
calamity. 

But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable 
to hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital 

organs. Still, I cannot approve of 
these bicycle contentions, which are 
veritable provocative flights at the 
providential features. 

It is nem. con. and undeniable that 
it was a wise move to transfer the race 
for the Derby Ribbon from the re- 
moteness of Newmarket Downs to a 
spot where it can be competed de die 
in diem and under a cover. And I 
was overjoyed to perceive Hon'ble Sir 
HENBY IBTING, who was pointed out 
to me, returned from United States 
of New York, and driving a small 
open vehicle in company of Charley's 
Aunt and a youth attired as amariner. 
But the pity of it, Horatio I that he 
had selected a steed of such snailish 
propensity as only to be budged by 
the pricks of a parasol I Moreover, I 
venture to hint that it was infra dig. 
for so respectable a Thespian to chase 
Charley 1 s Aunt around the circum- 
ference of the velodrome, and the 
spectacle of such incongruous spright- 
liness may detriment his fame as a 
tragic. 

The concluding entertainment was 
a military battle with the Chitralis ; 
and how to express the swelling of 
my heart with the martial sentiment 
of courage at beholding the warriors 
on the march, and taking tender 
farewells of their ladyloves and 
fiancees, who were Niobe all tears on 
the shoulders of their nearest rela- 
tions! 

And pride further expanded my 
bosom to witness the construction of 
an impromptu bridge in a storm of 
snow across the bottomless pit of an 
abyss, and the gallantry with 
which British troops volleyed and 
thundered to the dismay of their barbarian adversaries ! 

Such exhibitions do greatly assist in promoting patriotism, and 
implant the courageous impulse in many an unwarlike breast, as I 
can vouch from personal experience. 

After the termination I conducted my protegees to the Palmarium, 
where we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a 
neat-handed Phyllis in the uniform of a housemaid intermixed with 
a hospital nurse. Here occurred a most discomposing contretemps, 
for presently Miss JESSIMINA uttered the complaint that two 
strangers were regarding herself and Miss SPINK with the brazen 
eyes of a sheep, and even making personal comments on my 
nationality, which rendered me like toad under a harrow with burn- 
ing indignation. 

At length, being utterly beside myself with rage. I summoned one 
of the Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, 
being met with a smiling " Nolo Episcopari." So, entreating my 
companions not to give way to panic and leave their cause in my 
hands, I went in search of a policeman. 

Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to 

understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal 

opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear 

to my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind. 

And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had 




stout constable." 



MARCH 14, 1896.] ; 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



125 



the [mortification to discover that ,ihe two impolite 
strange rs had departed, and that Misses MANKLETOW and 
SPINK were similarly imperceptible. 
| i However, after prolonged search and mental anxiety, 
I (returned alone, and was rewarded by finding my fair 
friends arrived in safety; and hearing that the two 
strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms of 
an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaint- 
ances. 

Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute 
my design of assault and battery, more especially as I 
am the happy receiver of many handsome compliments 
on all sides upon the taotfulness and savoir faire with 
which I extricated myself from my shocking fix. 

At which my countenance beams with the shiny 
resplendency of self-satisfaction. 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

MOKE .ABOtT OLD SBBVASTS. 

I IEFI c ff last week haying said but little on the general 
character of old and faithful servants the epithets in 
this connection are practically synonymous. Feudalism 
as a vital force has vanished from the land, but in the 
relation of an old servant to the family he has served 
something of feudalism still lingers, something that 
enables one to understand the deep devotion of mediaeval 
retainers to their house and the fatherly interest of the 
lord in his dependants. It is curious how, as the years 

Si by, the ancient butler or body- servant assimilates 
e characteristics of the master he admires ; imitates, 
let us say, his little bursts of temper, his manner of bear- 
ing himself, his walk, the fashion of his ties, and his way 
of wearing his hat, and offers to a different circle a 
reproduction, as close as circumstances will permit, of the 
general air of his beloved master. One venerable servitor 
of this kind it was my lot to know, and I shall never 
forget the old man's grief and vexation when his master, 
who had long worn his collars turned down, was 
suddenly converted to the stick-up variety. It was as 
though the face of the world had been completely 
changed, so difficult did he find it to accommodate him- 
self to his master's new appearance. 

/'Or course," he observed, " Mr. B. looks well in that 
kind of collar he'd look well in anything; but there 
was a Eomething about the old ones which I can't get in 
this new lot. It isn't for me to make a remark, but 
there, Sir, don't y_ou think them turn-downs gave him a 
bl 




A STORY WITHOUT WORDS. 



sucK-up. ' JACKSOK," i retorteo, im willing to 
stake my fortune you '11 be in stick-ups yourself before a month is 
past." "Me, Sir? Never!" But in a fortnight the old fellow 
was in stick-ups, and went about his work as if he had never 
worn any other Kind. He used t) be very severe, I remember, with 
the younger members of the family, and used to hurl at them curious 
and terrible compound oaths which he had contrived, so he said, to 
manufacture during his foreign wanderings ia attendance upon 
his master. " Sakrabilliapolakadonia, Master FBEDDY, will you 
stop making that noise outside your father's libery door," or 
" Jessessamanessy, Master DICK, if I ketch you stealing another 
of your father's cambric hankerchers you and me will have 
to part; the re's no two words about that. These are two of the 
awful phrases I have heard him use. The youngsters, I am sorry to 
say, used to laugh at him, and take a fiendish delight ia irritating 
him almost beyond endurance. 

THE old servant, however, is to be known not merely by his venerable 
and awe-inspiring appearance. That, of oourse t is one mark, but it is 
not invariably found. ^ The most certain indications are, first, an 
absolute devotion to his master and mistress ; second, a fatherly 
interest in the younger members of the family ; and third, a claim, 
which is never contested, to be consulted in all family arrangements, 
and to have his views treated with deferential respect. The devotion 
does not exclude criticism, the fatherly interest often entails dis- 
approval of pranks to which boya and girls all the world over are 
prone. But as against the rest of the world the family is, in the eyes 
of the old servant, composed of immaculate paragons, and woe betide 
the rash outsider who ventures to hint a fault in any one of them. And 
the boys and girls, though they may grow up and pass out into the 
world and become in their turn fathers and mothers, are, to the old 
servant, children to the end of the chapter, children who have to be 
protected against themselves, and whose wayward dispositions must 
always involve them in scrapes, out of which only an old servant's 



loyal ingenuity can extricate them. And how cheerfully the" old 
fellow's face glows, how warm is his faithful welcome when the 
captain returns from India, or the daughter of the house comes back 
for a time to the parental nest with anew little fledgeling in her arms. 
Old servants and dogs these are the only classes in which you find 
unquestioning faith and an attachment, rooted deep down in their 
very being, which nothing can alter or destroy. 

As I write there arrives a further communication relative to Mrs. 
WATSON, of whose table-talk I gave a specimen last week. Here is 
another : 

" We 'ad a garden, BOBBINSKY and me, size of a pocket-' anky- 
chif, at Tottenham, where my brother 'e used to come of a Sunday 
mornin' with a pennywuth o' mixed seeds in 'is pockets, all sorts ; 
and after cleanin' the boots for me, which BOBBINSET bein' a Pole 
and proud never would do, but my brother o' course 'ad been a 
dragoon and learnt to be 'andy, 'e used to plarnt them seeds all 
over the place, and sich a crush when they all begun a oomin' up, 
and no room for 'em it was 'ere am I and where are you but my 
brother 'e said when some of 'em died down the others would be a 




where the roots was. Still it was pretty cheery, and BOBBINSKY 'e 
rigged up a plank or two, with a nice piece of tarpaulin' over the top, 
and read 'is noospaner there of a Sunday mornin', and said it rather 
reminded 'im of Poland. BOBBINSKY, pore fellow, 'e died soon 
arter we left Tottenham of a ploral noomoma, which is when you 'ave 
it in both lungs they call it ploral. But there, single noomonia is bad 
enough I say." 

UTAH has just been admitted into the American Union. It surely 
will be known as the Matrimonial State. 



126 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 14, 1896. 




CHERCHEZ 



FEMME." 



"I 8KB YOU CHARGE ME ELEVENPENCE FOR TOUR MUTTON, MB. BARTON. WHY IS IT 

MR. READ IN THE HIGH STREET LETS ME HAVE IT FOR TBNPENCE ? " 

"I 'M SURE, M'M, I COULDN'T SAY UNLESS IT 's HE 's TAKEN A FANCY TO YOU, M'M I" 



" CLIENTS FEEL CHEAP TO-DAY." 

THE "World's Great Marriage Mart 1 " Its 
fate 

Shows it a trap for he's ; 
" Good figures " figured in the bait, 

And also in the fees ! 

A " better half" it might sometimes 

Provide for chaps with pelf ; 
But always grabbed chief of its crimes 

The best half for itself. 

The "turnover " nine thou., we learned, 

Which yearly did increase ; 
But now its managers are turned 

Over to the police I 



With Eve in tow, and dupes to bleed, 
It swam along quite gaily ; 

Till the " Old Adam " of its greed 
Ended in the Old Bailey. 



"THE BOARD OF TRADE RETURNS," was 
the heading of an article in the St. James's 
Gazette. " Dear me ! " observed an en- 
lightened reader, " what holidays these 
officials do have ! How long has the Board 
been away ? " 

ME. SAMUEL STOREY DECLINES A TESTI- 
MONIAL. He thanks Mr. CALVERT and the 
Liberal Association, but as to a testimonial, 
he says, "Not for me; that's quite another 
Storey I" 



THE IKON AGE. 

From " The World," June, 1900. 

THE first meet of the ut-of-Hand Club last 
week was a great success, no fewer than six- 
teen automobile coaches assembling at the 
Magazine. Lord PENNINGTON'S turn-out, as 
usual, was the object of general admiration ; 
the brass- work of his engine was in perfect 
order, and he handled the lever with all his 
accustomed skill. That post of honour, the 
stoker's seat, was occupied by Lady VERA 
PLANTAGENET. Sir THOMAS JONES'S petro- 
leum-oar was also worthy of notice, although 
some of the critics thought that the odour of 
the oil was a little excessive. Punctually at 
three o'clock, to the cheery blast of the steam- 
whistles, the procession started for Greenwich. 
Unfortunately Mr. RBDDINGTON'S accumula- 
tors refused to act, so that his electric coach 
was left standing, and had ultimately to be 
towed home by a traction-engine. Close to 
Greenwich, too, another casualty occurred, as 
Lord COBBLE'S car suddenly bolted down-hill. 
We believe that a few pedestrians were killed, 
but fortunately no real harm was done. 

WE regret to have to record the death, 
under melancholy circumstances, of the Duke 
of PUDDLETON. His Grace was extremely 
anxious to take part in the Division of last 
Tuesday on the Infants' Suffrage Bill. He 
drove to the House of Lords in his steam-car- 
liage, and, fearing that he would not arrive in 
time to vote, he rashly sat upon the safety- 
valve. He was said by the passers-by to have 
been travelling fuJly at the rate of a mile a 
minute when the boiler exploded. We hear 
that such fragments of his Grace as were after- 
wards collected are to be interred to-morrow. 
* 

To those ladies of weak nerves who are un- 
able to ride a bicycle, and find the ordinary 
automobile machine too skittish, we may con- 
fidently recommend Messrs. DOBB'S new minia- 
ture steam-rollers, each of which is warranted 
quiet to ride and drive. Several of these dainty 
engines, tastefully painted in art colours, have 
lately been seen in the Park. 

A COMPLAINT comes from the Household 
Cavalry that it is extremely difficult to ride 
their new bicycle- chargers in the regulation 
top-boots. Hitherto their protests have met 
with no attention at the hands of the War 
Office, and we suppose that the usual red- 
tape difficulties will be urged against any 
change. Yet the War Office can be radical 
enough on occasion. It is actually proposed 
to repaint in a darker colour the famous white 
machines of the Scots Greys, on the plea that 
the present hue would be too conspicuous on 

the battle-field! 

* 

* * 

WE omitted to mention at the time the last 
meet of the Pvtchley, which took placa some 
weeks ago. The scent was exceedingly well 
laid, the paper being sufficiently thick to pre- 
vent any check all through the run. Amongst 
the first to reach home was that well-known 
rider Miss BUSTER, who was mounted on a 
"Scorcher" racer, which carried her admi- 
rably. There is tome talk of continuing 
Eaper-chasing in the shires all the year round 
?r the fntuie. 
* 

* * 

LOVERS of natural history will te glad to 
hear that a specimen of that almost extinct 
quadruped, the horse, was captured in Devon- 
shire last week. Seven gamekeepers had 
attempted to shoot it, but fortunately with- 
out success. It was taken alive, and removed 
to the Zoological gardens. Doubtless its pre- 
sence there will attract crowds of visitors 
during the next few weeks. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI MARCH 14, 1896. 




'WELL MATCHED." 

OOM PAUL (to " Pushful Joe:') " LOOK HERE! PUSH-STROKE BARRED YOU KNOW!!" 



MARCH 14, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



129 



'FOR THE CROWN"; OR, MICHAEL AND HIS BAD ANGEL. 

MBS. PAT CAMPBELL, Miss EMEBY, Mr. DALTON, Mr. IAN and Mr. 
FOBBES ROBEBTSON, appear triumphantly in case For the Crown 




Princess Bazilide rather an unfortunate name to pronounce, 
since it sounds as if any actor, who has to epeak of or to her, was 




"A WBIGGLEB, TWISTBK!" 
Mrs. Patrick Campbell in the new Serpentine Squirm. 

at Lyceum. The scenic artists Brother RYAN and Sister HANN have 
excelled themselves. CBAVEN'S picture of Trajan's Arch most 
picturesque. Admirable is equestrian 
statue of "Warrior King of Widdin, 
erected to celebrate a battle and a 
Widdin on the same day, modelled by 
Mr. LTJCCHESI (an* sure the figure does 
look aisy on his horse), which leaves all 
previous stage statues far behind, includ- 
ing our old friend the Statue of the Com- 
mendatore in Don Giovanni. 

The worst of a stage statue is that so 
much is expected of it. If it doesn't 
descend, or nod, or show itself to be 
" something striking," the audience is 
apt to be disappointed. Fortunately in 
for the Crown, the interest felt in the 
fate of Constantine-Forbes-Brancomir- 
JRobertson ^and of Mrs. Patrick-Militza- 
Campbell is so absorbing that the statue 
hasn't a chance against them. True that 
FOBBES ROBEBTSON does place his face, 
profile-wise, against the pedestal, as if 
giving the statue " a bit of his cheek," 



put as the statue, though very much " up 
in the ^stirrups," remains unmoved, the 
public interest in the effigy soon dies out. 

Mrs. PAT CAMPBELL, who was a lost 
angel to FOBBES ROBEBTSON and ENBY 
HAT/THOB JONES as Michael's Angel in the 
short-lived clerical drama, now reappears 
as a warning angel, not, 'however, to 
Michael (his full title is Prince Michael 
Brancomir), but to Constantine his son. 
In this piece the good angel is Mrs. PAT 
CAMPBELL, and the bad angel, Miss 
EMEBY. After a most trying scene, 
splendidly acted by Messrs. DALTON and 
ROBEBTSON, Constantine slays his father 
Michael, who has been trying to " save 
his beacon," which Constantine- Robert- 
son immediately kindles, and in a second, 
before you can say knife, all the fat is in 
the fire I 

Stephen, the Warrior-King-Bishop, an 
amiable representative of the Church 
Militant, is impressively rendered by Mr. 
IAN ROBEBTSON. 




Lady Winifred- Emery- Macbeth, Junior (to her husband). "Fancy! To 
be a king ! to have your hair cut ! ! and to wear a nice new royal dressing- 
gown ! ! ! Infirm or purpose ! How can you hesitate '? " 

suffering from a severe " cold id de dose," and was trying his best 
to say " Yaseline " is played with all the "Emery powder" that 
Miss WINIFBED can put into the 
character. Miss Emery- Bazilide is this 
"Michael's" Bad Angel, and is intended 
to be a fascinating Lady Macbeth 
Junior. Would it not add to the attrao- 
lion, if, on three days of the week, Mrs. 
PAT were to play Bazilide and Miss 
EMEBY Militza, and on the other three 
vice versa, and toss up for parts at 
matinees? These two women never 
meet, and consequently never have a 
great scene to themselves. 

Mr. MACKINTOSH, disguised as a min- 
strel, with an instrument which he can't 
play, and without a song, is, musically, 
disappointing : but he is all there as a 
" secret agent of the Sultan," and per- 
haps might just now find diplomatic 
employment between St. Petersburg and 
Constantinople. CABL ABMBBUSTEB'S 
music is in keeping with the general 
excellence that marks the entire ^ro- 
duction. FBAN^OIS COPPEE'S [original 
French play may be poetically brilliant, 
but that it is so cannot be gathered from 
Mr. JOHN DAVIDSON'S version of it. Had 
COPPEE and DAVIDSON been dramatists, 
they would have given a grand scene to 
the two heroines. Not too late now. 
However, " leave well alone " is a good 
rule, and Mr. FOBBES ROBEBTSON may 
re at content with its success. 

UBBI ET OBBI. Mr. Punch begs to 
inform everyone everywhere that no 
number of his immortal publication 
will again bear date " Saturday, Feb- 
ruary 29," until the year 1992. Friends 
at a distance and subscribers yet unborn 
will please accept this intimation. 

INDISPOTABLE. When a Lord Chan- 
cellor quits office he gets the Order of 
the Woolsack. 



Forbes Robertson. " The play wants lightening. 
Ha ! ha ! a Blaze of Triumph I" 



Here goes ! ENGLISH ADAPTATION OF TBANSVAAX. 
Cross country. 



130 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 14, 1896. 




THINGS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. 



"HOtV ARE YOU, OLD CHAP? ABB YOU KEEPING STRONG?" 

"No ; ONLY J0sr MANAGING TO KEEP our OF u? GRAVE ' 

"OH, I M SORRY TO BEAR THAT 1 " 



AN IMPERIAL INTERVIEW. 

Brussels, March 4, 1896. 

SIE, Armed with your credentials, I had no difficulty in obtaining 
an interview with the August Personage, whose name it is as well not 
to mention in view of 1 he perturbed state of Europe. I found him at 
his Imperial Castle of Pans mutter (it is best to be discreet), busily 
engaged, with a large map of the world before him, in planning, as I 
imagined, some delightful foreign trips. As I entered his study he 
was tinging, to a not unfamiliar air, the following words : 

" Rule, rule the KAISER, 

He rules the earth and waves, 

And Teutons ever, ever must be slave B." 

"Words and music mine own," he said, with some touch of pride, 
as he begged me, as he expressed it, " to come to an anchor." I was 
struck by the August One's attire. On his head he wore an eagled 
helmet ; his coat was, if I mistake not, the full-dress swallow-tail of 
a British admiral, and his legs displayed the tight red continuations 
of a hussar, together with a pair of long sea-boots. The August One 
evidently noticed my surprise at his original costume, for he observed 
gravely, " I am the imper Bonification of the Army and the Navy com- 
bined. I am, as it were, Mars- Neptune, formidable, awe-striking, 
not to be contradicted. You see," he added, pointing to the map ; " I 
am, as is my custom, amusing myself with a little frame of Inter- 
national Harum-Scirum my own invention and sufficiently enter- 
taining." I begged the August One to explain. He graciously 
acceded to my request. 

" Here, for instance, is Constantinople. A lot of Powers are 
knocking at the Porte joke of my own, legistered for my next comic 
opera. I encourage them to go on knocking, but I also tell him who 
has the key to be sure and not open the door. One of the Powers 
knocks louder than the others ; instantly, in the twinkle of an eye 
(augenblick), I suggest to a good friend across the Atlantic that this 
noisy Power is about to poach on his territorial preserves. The good 
friend takes the bait and threatens the noisy Power, who instantly 
suspends his knocking, and, before he can begin again, I myself put 
salt, manufactured solely in Teutonia, on his leonine tail by means 
of another friend in South Africa. Two Powerp, who are allied to 



me as chestnut-out-of-the-fire-pickers, become too intimate. Heigh 
presto ! in an instant I frighten one with an apparition of a Great 
Bear in the Balkan provinces, and I provide the other with terrible 
war-dancing in Eastern Africa. The Great Bear himself is not 
inclined to dance just now, but he shall foot the Zardas before I 
have done with him. For my most conceited neighbour, you know 
to whom I refer, I prepared a pretty pic-nio among the morasses of 
Madagascar. I have also, to his eyer-to-be-regretted cost, invited 
him to have high words with the noisy Power about the flesh pots of 
Egypt. A conceited Iberian monkey has, on more than one occasion, 
made rude faces at me. It less time than it takes to smoke a Cuban 
cigar, I have induced my good Tranelantic friend to pull his ears, 
and I have, for the chattering magpie next door to him, a rod in 
pickle, which shall be laid on not a thousand leagues from Delagoa 
Bay. In the far East I stage-managed a very effective drama in 
which celestial pigtails got handsomely japanned, and I am busily 
preparing another wondrously- intricate piece of the same nature. 

entertained." 




the eagle on 

his helmet knocked some drops off the crystal chandelier. " I shall 
soon be master of the universe, sun, mo HI, and stars included." 

At this moment an individual in uniform glided into the room, and, 
with respectful obeisance, presented a note, heavily sealed with red wax, 
to the August One. He tore it open with a triumphant smile ; but, as 
he read, his countenance changed to an expres.ion of concentrated 
fury. 

' ' Beasts I brutes I Unmentionable scoundrels I " he cried savagely ; 
and then perceiving me, he crumpled up the missive and flung it full 
in my face. Clutching the precious document in my right hand, and 
forgetting to pick up my hat and umbrella, I fled from the palace 
and rushed to the railway station. The Brussels express was just 
leaving, and I sank exhausted on the velvet cushions of a first-class 
carriage. What a terrible journey all on your account. Happily I 
was not pursued. Not till we had passed the frontier did I remove 
the letter from my boot and devour its contents. It ran as follows : 

" SIRE, The Reichstag declines to spend another mark on never- 
to-be-satisfied naval armaments. Your devoted, VON M." 

Now I understand the August One's wrath, and so I hope do you. 
Awaiting the ever-beneficial and welcome cheque, I am 

YOUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT. 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

TBS Most Gorgeous Lady Blessington ! An attractive title ! 
Open Mr. FITZGBRALD MOILOY'S book, and regard Sir TBOMAS LAW- 
RENCE'S portrait of the Most Gorgeous herself 1 A lovely woman 
truly. Count D'OHPAY was not much of an artist, but he knew a 
pretty woman when he saw one, and the Baron en-dorsay's the 
Count's opinion. Poor " Gorgeous" one ! This name was fathered 
on her by Dr. PAKE. The earliest portion i-f her existence was 
sad ; so wai the latest. In media, gloriossissima ! She belonged 
to the Book of Beauty and Keepsake period. MAI CARET POWBH 
had a rough time of i "- in her father's house, and a still rougher ia 
that of her husband, Mr. FARMER. Then, by the advice of a " kind- 
hearted, honourable man," MAGGIE FARMER farmed htrself out to a 
protectionibt. living for six years " under the protection of Captain 
JENKINS," oblivious of her Farmer husband. Suddenly appeared on 
the scene my Loid BLESSINGTON, widower. " When first he saw 
sweet PEGGY," as the song has it, the Earl desired to possess her: 
whereupon unselfish JENKINS nobly effaced himself, on consideration 
of ten thousand pounds paid to him by my Lord BLESSINGTON ; bat 
before The Gorgeous MARGARET could obtain a divorce, her husband, 
the fuddled FARMER, during a drunken orgie, tumbled out of a 
first-floor window, and ended his evening, and his days, in Middle- 
sex Hospital. Tnen No>le Earl made PGGY Countess, and from 
that time forth till Nobh Earl paid debt of nature, leaving 2000 
per annum to his widow, the Gorgeous PEGGY was Gorgeous indeed ! 
Not a germs but was licnised by her. She must have laughed in 
her sleeve (where is her real diary ia Pepysian cipher ?) at all the 
geniuses, with the exception of Count D'OfiSAY, with whom she 
subsequently lived; and in death they were not divided, as tleir 
stone sarcophagi stand side by side, having been designed and so 
placed by D'OBSAY himsdf ; the one for Girgtous PEGGY, who died 
in 1849, and the other for the Count, who became a "Count Oat" 
in 1852. In the very fall cast ( f dramatis per son ce the characters of 
Lord BYRON and the Countess GUICCIOLI are the most interesting. 
In any society, be it were it may, there is always a bore, aid the 
representative of this genus in this company is WALTER SAVAGE 
LANDOR. Whether he writes or speaks he is tedious. What a scene 
in Vanity Fair it all is 1 What showv puppets are the Most Gor- 
geous Lady and the Brilliantly French Polished Count I As a study 
of this artificial period Mr. FITZGERAID MOLLOY'S Gorgeous Lady 
Elessington, in two volumes, from DOWNEY & Co.'s, is highly 
recommended by THE BAROJT. 



MARCH 14, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



131 




THE MUZZLING REGULATIONS. 

ANOTHER CTJLPBIT. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, March 2. 
Nothing could exceed the solicitude with which 
JOKIM, expounding his naval scheme, contem- 
plated the probable feelings of foreign Powers 
when they learn how the British Fleet is to be 
strengthened. " You really mustn't," he said, 
glancing across the silver streak, "compare this 
trifling amount of twenty-two millions spent on '>j 

our Navy, with the francs, or marks, or roubles, 
or lire you layieh on your puny fleets. Just think 
of your armies. Britannia has no army worth 
speaking' of; no towers along her steep; her 
march is o'er the mountain wave, her home is 
on the deep. So of course we must make our- 
selves at home there. Nothing farther from our 
thoughts or intention than threatening you. In 
fact, if you look at it in the proper light, you 
will see that this expenditure and this labour 
are incurred solely for your benefit. Think how 
much more valuable we are made to any friends 
of ours ! That 's the proper way to look at it." 

House much pleased at this way of putting 
things ; hope same point of view will be accepted 
at Berlin and other places where England is 
loved. Seventeen millions-and-a-half is the 
amount of additional expenditure involved in 
scheme. A tidy turn, which House faced with 
equanimity. HICKS- BEACH has behaved nobly. 
As JOKIM phrased it, "the CHANCELLOB OP 
THE EXCHEQTJEB will generously put aside the 
surplus of this year to meet the expenditure 
under the Naval Works Bill, which will amount 
to five millione-and-a-half. 




would act in so princely a manner ; and BO quietly too. SABK tells 
me he hears HICKS-BEACH wanted to act anonymously in the matter. 
" Pu f it down from)* A friend,' " he said to JOKIM, when volunteer- 
ing the little sum. 

JOKIM, not to be outdone in generosity, de- 
clined. 

" No, HICKS-BEACH," he said ; " a man who 
would put his hand in his pocket, take out 
somebody else's five millions-and-a-half, and 
lay it on the altar of his country, deserves to 
have his name publicly mentioned ; and I shall 
do it." 

So HICKS-BEACH had to sit there blushing 
whilst the House rang with applause at his 
unparalleled generosity. Only the SQUIKE OF 
MALWOOD unresponsive. 

" Yes," he said, with something more nearly 
approaching a sneer than is accustomed to find 
expression on his benevolent countenance, 
"they've got the men, they've got the ships, 
and they 've got our money, too." 

Business done. New Naval Scheme ex- 
ilained. Colossal generouty of a right hon. 
Member. 

Tuesday. ASHMEAD-BABTLETT, like other 
forms of adversity, has his uses. In the last 
Parliament there were Members who affected 
belief that he was in the secret pay of EDWABD 
GBEY and SYDNEY BTJXTON. Certainly he did 
much to improve and establish the reputation 
of those eminent statesmen. Whenever the 
course of fvnts, whether in connection with 
Foreign Office or Colonial Office, tended to 
make matters embarrassing for Ministers from 
Party point of view, up jumped SILOMIO, 
dashed in with ridiculous question which gave 



"WHO SAID ATBOCHM(-MONGBHS) !" 

A Study of a Volcano recently extinct, not from - 

inat something like generosity. Possibly no any failure in the supply of lava, but the cold the Minister concerned opportunity 01 tripping 
country but England possesses a citizen who stream of facts has been too much for it ! him up, whacking him about the head, and, 



132 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 14, 1896. 



amid the cheers and laughter occasioned by incident, walking off 
reinstated. 

To-night EDWARD GKET placed under renewed obligations from same 
quarter. SAM SMITH submitted cat e of Armenia in one of those forceful, 




The Latest Surprise from the Transvaal. 

pregnant, stirring speeches which are all too brief for appetite of de- 
lighted House. EDWARD GREY about to follow when SILOMIO took the 
floor. Evidently in best form; his noble nature stirred to deepest 
depths by aspersions upon the gentle Turk. It waa true that, against 
his will, in anguished suppression of his instincts, Turk had butchered 
a few Armenians, including women and children. But it was all the 
fault of SAM SMITH. With terrible voice, with fat forefinger 
ominously shaken in his direction, SILOMIO denounced the blameless 
SAMUEL and "his co-atrocity-mongers," as directly responsible for 
any little misunderstanding that may have arisen between the 
Turks and their Christian fellow-subjects, resulting in bayoneting, 
burning alive, dismembering, and other extreme controversial pro- 
ceedings. After this blatant performance suggestive in tone and 
manner, as SABK says, of the "Walk-up, Walk-up Gentleman in 
front of the fair caravan just before the show btgins came EDWARD 
( i n i:v with his quiet manner, his high tone, his studiously fair- 
mindedness. To nim succeeded GEORGE CUBZOS in far away the 
best speech he has yet made in the House. A difficult position for 
the spokesman of Foreign Office met with a courage, frankness and 
dexterity that charmed the gathering audience. 

"Nothing, my dear TOBY," said Prince AETHUR, looking down 
from the pyramidal heights of his thirty-eight years, "has for a long 
time given me keener pleasure than listening to these two speeches. 
Endurance of the strength and fame of the House of Commons rests 
not with the old Parliamentary Hands, but with the jeune ecole. As 
long as we have young men like EDWAED GREY and GEORGE CURZON 
coming forward, so long will the Mother House of Parliament maintain 
her high reputation." 

Curious to find PRINCE ARTHUR quite naturally assuming these 
patriarchal airs. By-and-by we shall have him adopting Mr. G.'s 
pet phrase, and talking solemnly about having arrived " at my time 
of life." 

Business done. Government admit they can do nothing to help 
Armenia. "Very well," eays the House, cheerfully; "go on doing it." 

Thursday. Dr. TANNER is becoming disappointed with the new 
SPEAKER. He looks so bland, has such pleasant voice, such courteous 
manner. Seems as if you could do anything with him. TANNER 
discovers that, as he puts it, the leg is on the other boot. No chance 
for a sportive member. Only yesterday TANNER, attempting to raise 
point of order when House had been cleared for division, had every 
advantage taken of him. II appened to be sitting under gallery above 
Gangway when opportunity presented itself. Sprang to his feet to 
address Chair. That he knew was out of order. Supposing when 
debatelin progress a Member were to join in it without rising from 



his seat or taking off his hat, he would forthwith be haled forth and 
cast into lowest dungeon beneath the castle moat. On the contrary, if, 
House being cleared for a division, a Member having something to 
say courteously rises, bows to the SPEAKER, and opens his mouth, 
tie is borne down with angry cries of " Order I Order ! " According 
to fundamental principle of British Constitution, a Member in such 
circumstances must remain seated, press his hat over his brows, and 
cry aloud, " Mr. SPEAKER 1 " 

TANNER wouldn't have minded that, only, unfortunately, hadn't 
pot a hat handy. Mr. G. once, in similar circumstances, accepted 
loan of FARRER HERSCHEIX'S hat an accidental service which ulti- 
mately landed the then Member for Durham on the Woolsack. 
TANNER having no Lord Chanoellorships to give away, no one would 
[end him a hat. Before he could " convey " one, opportunity fled. 
When, later, he attempted to recapture it, bellowing " No ! " when 
SPEAKER said "The Ayes have it, SPEAKER ignored his existence, 
and declared motion carried. 

These things happened yesterday. " I '11 be even with him yet," 
said this relic of the Old Guard. So just on the stroke of midnight, 
after long debate on Shipbuilding Yote, TANNER rose. If he spoke 
for three minutes would carry debate over to another sitting. PRINCE 
ARTHUR, swift as hawk on hapless pigeon, pounced. 

" I beg to move," he said, " that the question be now put." 

" Gag I Gag I " roared TANNER in fury. 

Then the SPEAKER, in provokingly quiet manner, observed, that if 
this sort of thing went on he would have to call the attention of 
House to his conduct. " And this is a so-called free country I " said 
TANNER, stamping out to the Division Lobby. 

Butiness done. House got into Committee on Shipbuilding Vote. 

Friday. SUTHERLAND, K.C.M.G., back, after six weeks in the 
alternating sunshine and snow of Riviera. "Hope you haven't 
been overworking yourself," I said, regarding with anxious solicitude 
his pensive countenance. 

" No," said the Chairman of the P. & 0.. with hands deep in his 
pockets, and a far-away look in his eyes. But you see, a big con- 
cern like ours requires constant care and absolute self-devotion on the 
part of those who manage its affairs. One must have his eye every- 
where. Bombay, Calcutta, Yokohama, and the Australian ports 
loom large on our list. But the Chairman must also keep in personal 
touch with smaller ports, such as Home, Florence, Cannes, and 
Monte Carlo." 

liusiness done. Well, we pretty equally divided the sitting 
between a local Belfast Bill and discussion of new scheme of Naval 
Defence. The Belfast Corporation Bill, as more important, had 




" It had been said that such ideas as he held were prehistoric doctrines. 
Well, he would rather have the doctrine of a prehistoric statesman than the 
ravings of an up-to-date Jingo. (Laughter.') What was the good of a man if 
h had to walk about in heavy armour all his life. (Lattgkter.)" Sir 
Wilfrid Laivson, March 6. 

precedence. When dinner hour approached, and most Members, 
worn out with squabble in back streets of Derry, had gone off to 
dinner, took up the Navy Votes. 



LIMERICK " TWIST" FOR NEW YORK "STRAIGHT CUT." On the 
very day that Lord DUNRAVEN was expelled from the New York 
Yacht Club, he was appointed Lord Lieutenant of Limerick. 



MARCH 21, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



133 



PARNASSUS PRESERVED 

(From, the Machinations of Parker 
Smith . 

To"" edit "jour new Laureate 

BALFOUB at once refuses ; 
Since no department of the State 

Is managed by the Muses. 
Poesy's triumph is immense I 

How could it be immenser ? 
Although incapable of sense 

She doth not need a censor I 
Sbe's free to shirk that arduou-i task 

Beauty to blend with high sense ; 
And is not called upon to ask 

For a poetic license. 



Mem. for Football Prophets. 
THERE is many a slip 
'Twixt the Cap and the "tip." 



VICE VERSA. 

SIR JOHN MILL A is is not in com- 
plete possession of his own voice, 
thoueh he has that of the Academy, 
unanimously, for the Presidency. 
Meeting him the other ? day, a sym- 
pathising * friend ' observed, " My 
dear Sir JOHN/ if you have the 
Academy dinner this year you'll 
reouira a deputy to speak for you." 
" I can get a lot of people to 'speak 
for me,' bless 'em ! " replied the 
President. " You see," he con- 
tinued, "it isn't a deputy I re- 
quire : what I want is, as a coster 
would huskily call it, ' a vice.' " 



A PBACTICAL SUGGESTION. "WTiy 
should not the sails of Lord DCJN- 
EAVEN'S new yacht, Can-ad, be 
utilised by eminent pill makers ? 




Doctor (meeting village dame, after calling on her husband}. ' ' YOUE 
HUSBAND 's VBET LOW 1 " 

Wife. "Oa, MR. BLANDFOED, SIE I OH, HE'S ALLEBS BEEN 

MOST RSSPSCTABLX ! " 



RUS IN URBE. 

(A Cockney Rhapsody.) 
As I stroll through Piccadilly, 
Scent of blossoms borne from Scilly 
Greets me. Jonquil, rose, and lily, 
Violet and daffydowndilly. 
Oh the feeling sweet and thrilly 
That these blossoms flounced and 

frilly 

From soft plains and headlands hilly 
Bring my breast in Piccadilly I 
It subdues me willy-nilly, 
Though such sentiment seems tilly, 
A nd a bunch, dear, buysyour WILLY, 
To dispatch, by post, to MILLY, 
Dwelling, far from Piccadilly, 
In moist lowlands, rushed and rilly, 
Blossomy as Penzance or Scilly. 
Sweets to the sweet 1 " Poor Silly- 

BILLY!" 

You may say, in accents trilly. 
When the postman in. the stilly 
Eve, from distant Piccadilly, 
Bears this box of rose and lily, 
Violet and daffodilly, 
To the rural maiden, MILLY, 
From her urban lover, 

WILLY. 
P.S. 

Dry as toke and skilly, 
Is this arid Piccadilly, 
Notwithstanding rose and lily, 
All the beauteous blooms of Scilly, 
Rsft of that flower of flowers 

MILLY. 
So, at least, thinks 

" SILLY BILLY." 



A CHIEL NOTE-TAKEE. A canny 
Scot suggests that, in view of the 
many unprotected children running 
about the crowded high road of 
Kilburn, the place should be re- 
named Kill-bairn. Stick to your 
BUENS, douce mon I 



A WORD AGAINST GUSH, 
AND FOE "THE OLD GANG." 

(Nofjby Alg-rn-n Ch-rl-s Sw-nb-rne.") 

THE Queen of the Sea said one morning : 
" Tne mightiest of statesmen on earth 
Are themes for the lute-thrummer's scorning, 
And matters for minstrelish mirth. 
With bothers and pothers 
I 'm haying a bad time ; 
To school me, and rule me 
I '11 try the lords of rhyme. 

" Their verses pipe praise of my story, 

My power is the theme of their choice. 
The wrath of my waves is their glory, 
Sea- storms, they declare, are my voice. 
They fear it who hear it. 

(Though poets have told me 
They sicken, sore- striken 
When they are on the sea.) 

" As lords of my fate and my keepers, 

In charge of my shores and my ships, 
I Ml try these sweet chirpers and cheecers, 
Who love me so much with their lips. 
They 're haters of traitors, 

False friends or foes descried. 
They '11 shatter and scatter 
My foemen far and wide. 

14 There 's AIGEBNON, rapid in rancour ; 

There 's WILLIAM, who girds at Turk guile ; 
There 's ALFRED on him I may anchor ; 
There 's LEWIS, on whom the Rads smile. 
They deem them, or dream them, 

Greater than the great dead ; 
They're sunken, and drunken, 
In patriot wrath, blood-red. 



" I '11 try their afflatus in action ! 

WEG 's gone, and his place is not known ; 
While faction is squabbling with faction, 
Like dogs who contend for a bone. 
They care not, they spare not, 

When at each other's throats ; 
They muster, and bluster, 

" Blind ranks and bellowing votes." 
" The poets are now my sole peerage I 

They will not come shuffling their mobs ; 
Of singers it seems the small-beer-age, 
But bardlings won't perpetrate jobs. 
The sobbing and throbbing 

Of lyres my State may save ; 
They sneer not, and jeer not 
At Britons rule the Wave I " 
* * * # 

Alas ! the Bards split into parties, 

As bitter as bitter could be. 
Yelled ALGEBNON, " Hireling I True Art is 
To sing ujpon shore of the Sea ! 
In justice, my trust is ; 

If foeman nearer creep, 
Fierce curses in verses 
Will drive them to the deep ! " 

Wailed WILLIAM : " Our past was right royal, 

But duty no longer we need. 
Dashed ABDUL laughs at us, disloyal, 
We sacrifice glory to greed. 
No nation holds station 

More low than England now. 
Oh, Britain, gold-bitten, 
CAIN'S brand is on thy brow 1 " 

Moaned ALFRED : " Oh, rhyme without reason I 
Our England is calm, not asleep. 

To rail at her thus is high treason, 
Her bastions of brine she will keep. 



The wages of ages 
Of commerce she has kept. 

Fame fa ; ls them, shame veils them, 
Who dare suggest she slept ! " 

" Nay," LEWIS retorted, " we know it, 

This brag about power and fame, 
You call yourself patriot and poet ? 
The glory you hymn is our shame ! 
Doom darker and starker 

Is standing at our gate ; 
Those Tories our glories 
Will shadow, sure as fate ! " 
* * * * 

The QUEEN muttered: "Ah! much I mis- 
doubt me 1 

E'en Bards are not all on one side. 
I 'd best bind my armour about me, 
And look to my statesmen for guide. 
These singers are slingers 

Of mud, like party bands. 
Lute twanglers are wranglers, 

And fight, with grubby hands I 
" If ALGY meets ALF at my gateway, 

They pause and shy stones by the gate. 
If WILLIAM sees EDWIN, why straightway 
Eaoh other they slang wbang and slate. 
My story, my glory, 

They sing, but, oh, dear me! 
Power rose not, and grows not, 
By gush about the Sea ! " 



A NAVAL QUESTION. Mr. ROBESPLEREE 
TAPPEETIT writes from the Jacobin Club, 
Seven Dials, to inquire whether Mr. GOSCHEN 
ought not, like CHAELES THE FLBST, to be 
impeached for endeavouring to levy ship 
money ? 



VOL. ex. 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 21, 1896. 




LADIES NOT ADMITTED. 

University Don (leg.). " VEIY SOBRY, MKS MINERVA, BUT PERHAPS YOU ARB NOT AWARE THAT THIS is A MONASTIC ESTABLISHMENT." 

*v TT ' Tlie . lad y Btudent8 of the Universities have received a cruel series of rebuffs within the last few days. On Tuesday week the Congregation of 
ne University of Oxford refused to admit them to the B.A. degree. On Tuesday list it followed up this blow by rejecting all the resolutions proposed 
as alternatives. Yesterday the Cambridge Senate inflicted the unkindest cut of all by practically imitating the ungallant example of Oxford." 

Times, March 13, 1896.] 



MARCH 21, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



135 




Sympathetic Passer-by. "Bor IF HB 's BADLY HUBT, WHY DOESN'T HE GO TO THB HOSPITAL?" 
British Workman. ' ' WOT 1 IN 'is I )INNEK-TIMK 1 1 " 



ARRY OH BLUES AND BLUESTOCKINGS. 

DEAB CHABLIE, 'Ooray for old Hoxford! 

She 's give the bluestockings wot for I 
Mirs Minerva is chucked, and no muffins I 

That Peri wot wet t at the door 
Of TOMMY MOOBE'S Parrydise, CHABLIE, a 

pome I 'd to mug as a kid, 
Must 'ave felt pooty much like the lydies to 

whom the B.A. is forbid. 
Quite right and scrootnoodleous, CHABIIE! 

Wot next, and wot next, and wot next ? 
I tell you, old man, it 's fair monstrous, the 

way we get worried and yext, 
Us men as ' men and not mollies, by Woman's 

Rights 'umbug and flop ; 
Atd it's yum-yum to find there's still Dons 

as can twirl Mrs. PABTINGTON'S mop. 
I 'm not Hoxford or Cambridge, wus luck I 

'otpt, of course, at this time of the year, 
When I've jrot my small bit on the Boat 

Race, as Hoxford will land me, no ftar. 
She 'as poll* d me through pr< p T ? ome seasons, 

and so I still back the Dirk Blue, 
And I'm hajpy to see there's no chance of 

her n inning a, feminine crew. 
Dark Blue don't mean bluestocking, CHABLIE, 

and lor, there 's some comfort, old chap ; 
We're a deal too much petticDat-govermd, a 

rule as means treacle and pap. 
A nice bit of frock is all right, while she plays 

second fiddle all through, 
Bat not as a Batchlor of Arts, or the stroke 

of a 'Vanity crew. 

Fact is, women are sneaking our rights, bonder 

cover of claiming their own ; 
And it 's time as us men put our foot down, 

afore the she-sarplnt 's full grown. 
A good manly crusher, dear CHABLTE, whilst 

woman is bunder our 'eel, 
Will save us a dollop of trouble, as no doubt 

the 'Varsities feel. 



Keep 'em out, my dear boy, keep 'tmoutl 

They've bin creeping and (reeping for 

years. 
No, it ain't as I 'm down on the donahs as 

donahs ; I love 'em, the dean I 
But as cricketers, footballers, dootorB, M.P.'s, 

and the dickens knows wot, 
Likewise B.A.'s and that, I agree with the 

Dons that it 's all tommy- rot. 

A man as is really a man, mate, and cot a 

mere molly in bags, 
Knows that women was made to knock under, 

in spite of them Radical rags. 
While us men t et the pace, mj[ dear CHABLIE, 

no doubt we can romp in in front ; 
But if shemales git sprinting: away, on their 

own, we mayn't be in the 'unt. 

And that 's wot they 're arter, my pippin, as 

won't do at no price at all. 
They may mug up, and pass, and all that, but 

they mustn't shove men to the wall ! 
Lor', life 's a 'ard row, as it is, and our easies 

is wonderful few ; 
But we must 'ave the pull in the pace, and 

we must 'ave first cut at the screw. 

BETSY BOSHEM, B.A.! There's a picture! 

Minerva is drawn with a owl ; 
Does she think that a 'Varsity Don is a similar 

species of fowl, 
As big and as bleared in the goggles, as blind 

to the true time o' day P 
No, no, sling your hook, Miss Bluestocking, 

and cart your old poultry away I 

' ' Wot do you know of Hoxford, or Cambridge, 

of college or knowledge, young fool ? 
The cheap sporting pypers your books, and the 

streets and the " public " your school ; 
Your B.A. degree Braggart Ass, your exams. 

in back-slang and the hodds I 
Yah ! Stick to your gutter snipe patter, and 

don't touch the girls or the gods I " 



So snaps snarly old SNIPE of our club. Was a 

schoolmaster once, so 'tis said ; 
But 'is duds are as seedy as Guy Fox, 'is 

nose end 's remarkable red. 
But if 1 say one word agin women, or progress, 

'e always chips in, 
And gives me wot for 'ot and 'ot, till I stand 

'im a rum or a gin. 

Poor old himage, 'e ' got a tongue on 'im, 

rough as a old reaping 'opk. 
'E mayn't 'ave a brown in 'is pouch, but 'e 

'as there a greasy old book. 
By some Latin line-faker named 'Gains, on 

wich 'e will browse by the hour, 
With a tot of rum 'ot and a pipe, 'appy, ah ! 

as a bee in a bower. 

But talk agin laming or lydies, and don't 
the old donkey wyke up, 

And go for yer like a old lion, or leastways 
my tamer pup ! 

For there's more snap than roar in old 
SNIPE. Well, I worrit 'im awful some- 
times, 

But a lotion, a pipe, and a screw always 
makes 'im forgit arf my crimes. 

'E brags of some blooming Greek donah called 

SAVFO, or some sech a name, 
And swears as the 'Varsity Part ing tons 

won't, in the end, win the game : 
For knowledge oan't be, like Dutch rivers, 

diverted by dykes and by dams, 
Or kep to one sex by tradition, or cramped 

up by courses and crams. 

Still, nevertheless, notwithstanding, I 'm glad 

as that B A. degree 
Isn't copped by the bluestockings yet, wich is 

all bloomia 1 fiddledee. 
As the women are welting on now, no one 

knows wot next fort they will carry ; 
But Hoxford, no doubt, will feel 'appy to 'ave 

the approval of 'ABBY. 



136 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 21, 1896. 




THE JOYS OF SCANDAL-BEARING. 



" I SAY, BOUNDERSON YOTT KNOW THAT RATHER RUMMY STORY 
YOU TOLD ME ABOUT LITTLB SCHBECK, THE VIOLINIST, AND THE 

DOWAGER DUCHESS OF ST. AMBERGRIS ? WELL, I MET JOE CADBY 
ON WEDNESDAY, AND WHAT DO YOU THINK ? HE 's GOT THE WHOLE 
YARN FROM BEGINNING TO END, FIDDLESTICK AND ALL 1 " 

"OF COURSE HE HAS. I KNEW THAT." 

"THEN, WHY THE DICKENS DID YOU MAKE MB SWEAR ON MY 
OATH NOT TO BREATHE A WORD OF IT TO ANY LIVING SOUL, ESPECI- 
ALLY NOT TO JOE CADBY ? " 

"BECAUSE I WANTED TO HAVE THE FUN OF TELLING HIM ALL 

ABOUT IT MYSELF, YOU JUGGINS I WHY, I TOLD HIM THJK VJBRY 
NEXT DAY 1 " 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

(For Ladies only. ) 

DEABIST ETHELINDA, Don't be shocked, but I have been Bo- 
hemianised I Shall I dare to confess it ? I have been in front at a 
Music Hall ! ! After all, Ce n'est que le premier faux pas qui coiite ! 
The way it came about was in this wise. Lord AJBTHUR RANTIPOLE, 
who is on the best terms with all the theatrical and musical people, 
begged my dear friend Mrs. PLiNTAGENET-NiBBS (nee DE WILKINS) 
to accept a private box, which had been placed at his disposal by the 
manager of the Eldorado Theatre of Varieties, and she very kindly 
asked me to join her party. At first I demurred, knowing that papa 
is so very particular, but the curiosity which we all inherit from the 
Grand Old Gardener's wife overcame my scruples, and now I not 
only do not regret the escapade but long to repeat it, feeling quite 
boulevardiere and outre Manche. Lord ARTHUR and a young poet, 
Mr. SWINBURNE JENKINS, who has written a play, which the cruel 
LORD CHAMBERLAIN refuses to license, accompanied us. I was rather 
surprised that Mr. JENKINS should have condescended to visit the 
Eldorado, but, throwing back his raven chevelure, he assured me that 
the most brilliant gems often coruscated in the most tenebrous 
caverns. "He's alluding to his father's coal pits," said Lord 
ARTHUR ; " why the Eldorado is the most delightful den of wicked- 
ness in Europe." I really began to think myself a female DANIEL 
when his lordship alluded to dens, for he is such a fashionable lion 
himself. Not young, but so distingue, a chevalier whom it would 
be impossible to mistake for a waiter in his habit de soir even 
without the tasteful silk waistcoat, which a Great Personage 
has commanded to be d la mode. He is one of the most affable 



of noblemen, and the stately manner in which he pressed me to 
accept a glass of soda-water mingled with eau de vie would have 
done honour to a Doge of Venice on his nuptials with the Adriatic. 
Lord ARTHUR has what is called a speaking countenance. A flah 
from his steel-grey eyes made the lacqiiey who supplied our refresh- 
ment tremble when he was found wanting in no less a sum than 
threepence in the change of half-a-soyereign. I recognised the 
alcohol in an instant. It is one which is only to be procured not a 
hundred miles from 3002, Milk Avenue, B.C., and the soda-water 
had all the sparkle of that supplied to the Royal Family by the best 
Manufacturer in Great Britain. (You see, darling, that I can still 
circumvent a malicious and ungrateful Editor.) But revenons d nos 
agneaux. The Eldorado is like a Moorish dream, a revival of the 
glories of Granada, when the crescent bade defiance to that Castile 
which is now only famed for an exceedingly emollient soap. The 
canary silk hangings of our box could not have cost less than three 
guineas a yard, and the great crimson velvet curtain which hung 
behind the footlights would cut up into court dresses for Arch- 
duchesses. Everywhere the lustrous eyes of Electra look down 
upon the lavish display of gold and crystal which ornament this 
temple of harmonious luxury. How Lord ABTHUB could call it a 
den passes my poor comprehension. But then to those reared in 
feudal palaces a recherche villa at Clapham would be but a mean 
domicile. All the gentlemen in the audience were smoking. 1 
confess I liked to see this dissipation. It made the expedition ever 
FO much more risque, especially when naughty Mrs. PLANTAGENET- 
NIBBS insisted upon taking some whiffi from Mr. JENKINS'S cigar at 
the back of the box. Lord ARTHUR, who is a confirmed quiz, said if 
Mrc. P.-N. puffed too much she would ruin her complexion. Quel 
drole n'est ce pas f The entertainment on the stage came upon me 
with the agreeable shock of one's first attempt at swallowing an 
oyster. It was so strange and yet so delicious. The ballets appeared 
to me to be worthy of the Court of SARDANAPALUS, and I could not 
help clapping my hands vigorously when Mile. MOLLET, the pre- 
miere danseuse, executed a series of bounds, which a chamois could 
scarcely have equalled. I noted that this exquisite Terpsichorean 
reveller wore a necklace of pearls, which, if not Roman, would 
certainly have ransomed RICHABD CCEUR DE LION twice over. Lord 
ARTHUR tells me that it is no uncommon thing for the highest 
members of the aristocracy to pay tribute in kind to the talents of 
les belles des coulisses, and that some of them have to hire 
policemen to escort them to and from the theatre. Well, such is the 
just reward of fame ! A vocalist, who Bang in a language which I 
did not understand Lord ARTHUR said it was called Yiddish con- 
vulsed the house with his drolleries, but I preferred a lady who 
balanced ninepins on the tip of her somewhat up-tilted nose. Every- 
body got up and cheered when a singer, dressed as a Field-marshal 
such a leonine man, not unlike Lord W-LS-L-Y warbled a 
splendid patriotic ditty with this stirring refrain : 
" For battle I am all arrayed, I Of Germany I 'm not afraid, 
I do not care for life or limb ; | For I can fight like Doctor JIM." 

Mr. SWINBURNE JENKINS said that "limb" and "Jni" did not 
rhyme, but the people did not enter into this question of poetic 
license. They only roared the chorus. The closing item of the pro- 
gramme was a number of tableaux vivants. I can only draw a veil 
over the performers. Heaven knows they wanted it badly enough. 
Lord ABTHUR said the effect was "most fetching," and even Mr. 
JENKINS praised some of the poses as being " ineffably Greek." My 
hostess was rather indignant with Lord AJITHUB when she asked him 
"How would you like to see me as Diana?" and he answered, 
" Very much ; so long as I wasn't cast for Action." No one but an 
Eton and Oxford man could make such classic repartee. But some- 
thing astonished me more than the living pictures. As we were 
leaving the place we passed a refreshment alcove were some noisy 
people were drinking together. One man gave vent to his hilarity 
in a very familiar tone. I turned to look and there, filling a lady's 
glass with champagne, was PAPA, le pere noble of our domestic circle! 
No wonder that I clutched Mr. JENKINS'S arm with such un- 
maidenly fervour that I felt him wince under the pressure, and was 
it not natural that on arrival chez moi I should pass the night suffer- 
ing with migraine f My misguided parent does not know that I saw 
him, and I have only one rayon de soleilhe didn't see me. Mean- 
time I am fasting for my sins, and can highly recommend this 
potdge maigre. Stew half-a-dozen sticks of maccaroni in a pint 
of water, add two sprigs of finely chopped parsley, the rinds of two 
lemon?, a sliced shalot, and pepper and salt to taste. Simmer slowly. 
Ever, dear, Your loving cousin, KADJ. 

OLD SONG REDRESSED, FOB THE BENEFIT OF BARON POLLOCK 
AND MR. JUSTICE BRUCE. " Oh, Willis, toe have missed you." 

NEW PRONUNCIATION OF THE ABYSSINIAN EMPEROR'S NAME. 
MANY-LICK. 

UNDENIABLE COUBT PLA.STEB. The front of Buckingham Palace. 



MARCH 21, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



137 



BY THE BEACH. 

II. 

THE TBELAWNEY BBOWNES have arrived. 
They made their appearance this morning. 
They were on the Parade for an hour or two, 
three of them, two girls and a man. Young 
SMITH'S glass was glued to them for five 
and twenty minutes. "Clippers, bejove! 
Clippers I " he murmured, as he followed 
them up and down. " Ah I " he said to ADA, 
"there's style for you, if you like! That's 
what the French people call ayclar, you 
know." 

Young SMITH rather prides himself on his 
French accent. Last summer he went over to 
Boulogne for a day, and for a 'month or two 
afterwards (when he happened to think of it) 
he had almost forgotten his English. " Ah 1 " 
he continued, still studying the new-comers 
through his glass. " What an air distangy ! 
Those frocks hail from WOBTH'S or the 
Luvver, or I 'm a Dutchman, ADA ! " 

ADA'S eye followed the direction of the tele- 
scope, and the smile died on her lips. "Was 
it jealousy ? Presentiment ? The shadow of 
coming events? Poor little ADA! Beside 
these " clippers " she locked a mere nobody, 
and she was conscious of it. 

Young SMITH is a wonderful judge of cha- 
racter. At the very first glance he decided 
that the new comers had " style," and before 
the morning was out he overheard the fol- 
lowing conversation, which confirmed his 
judgment. 

"The Colonel won't be down for another 
week, ALGY," said Miss TBELAWNEY BBOWNE. 

" Really ?" drawled her brother. 

"No; he is detained in town by Parlia- 
ment." 

" Awful bothaw." 

Young SMITH pricked up his ears. Colonels, 
even common Colonels, were a cut above him ; 
but Colonels who sat in Parliament I Phiou ! 

" You had a letter from Sir GTEOBGE this 
morning ? " asked the second Miss TBELAW- 
NEY BBOWNE. 

' ' Ya- as. The Ba'net wants me to go north 
for the last of the hunting, you know." 

Young SMITH'S eyes dilated. Baronets and 
hunting ! It was not every day that young 
SMITH listened to talk like this. Before 
tea-time all Little Puddleton knew what he 
had heard. "They seem nice sort of people 
these TRELAWNEY BBOWNES," he said; tl well 
connected, and all that sort of thing. I heard 
young BBOWNE say that some Baronet had 
asked him to go hunting." 

Young SMITH has an elder sister, and her 
name is MADGE. Young SMITH does not think 
much of her "not one of my sort, you 
know;" but HABBY JONES, ADA'S fifth and 
favourite brother, reckons her divine. There 
is nothing HARBY wouldn't do for MADGE. 
He has called his cutter after her ; he blacked 
a boy's eye because he said she squinted ; and. 
when he is in funds, he brings her packets of 
fruit-tablets from the penny-in-the-slot ma- 
chine. The other day HABBY caught sight of 
ADA'S photograph. ADA was frightened, for 
HABBY is a great tease, and she thought she 
would never hear the end of it. But HABBY 
was intensely interested. He wanted to know 
how much it cost. ADA couldn't tell him. 
He supposed it could be done cheaper without 
a frame ? And ADA thought yes, certainly it 
could. 

A few minutes afterwards HABBY was down 
on the beach in consultation with the photo- 
grapher. The regular charge was sixpence 
each a shilling for a group of two. Would 
that include a frame? No, only a pink 

Siper mount. A frame was fourpence extra. 
ABBY'S face fell. He would give the world 
to be taken with MADGE SMITH, but he had 




WHAT BAIT ARK ?BR rsis', BILLIB?" 
"CHEESE," 
"WHAT ABB YEB TRYIN' TER CATCH MICE!" 



only fivepence-halfpenny. It was no use 
asking Pa for anything, he was such an old 
screw; and ADA? ADA had half-a-crown in 
her purse, but she was not allowed to change 
it. Could the photographer possibly do it for 
less? 1 1 AKK Y hated bargaining; but, hang 
it I what was a fellow to do ? Well, yes, 
to oblige the gentleman, the photographer 
thought he might take the two for ninepence. 
Fivepence-halpenny from ninepence, that 
left fourpenee - halfpenny no, threepence, 
wasn't it ? HABBY could never tackle arith- 
metic, and, when there was a fraction, he 
always felt uncertain. He thanked the photo- 
grapher, and said he would think of it. Half 
the day he spent devising schemes to raise the 
residue. He volunteered to rig out JOHNNY'S 
boat for threepence, and to mend the little 
Robinson-boy's cycle-horse for a halfpenny. 
His off era were declined with suspicion, paltry 
as the sum was, there seemed no possibility of 



getting it, and HABBY sat about all the after- 
noon, biting his nails, and f rownir g. He was, 
in fact, quite metamorphosed. Pa JONES did 
not once have to tell him how many bad acci- 
dents he had seen, and Ma JONES began to 
fear he was developing influenza. The whole 
household was altered. Not one raid did 
HABBY make into the nursery; not one doll 
did he Jack-the-Ripper ; not once did he pull 
the twins by the hair, nor smack little 
TODDLES' s head. ADA alone had an inkling 
of his ailment, and offered her sympathy; 
but HABBY would none of it. He sat apart 
in melodramatic silence, brooding over his 
wrongs, and cursing the fate that left him 
to struggle through life on such a limited 
income. 

" THOU ABT BO NEAK AND YET so FAB." 
Appropriate address to a miser residing at 
the Antipodes. 



138 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 2), 1896. 




OPPORTUNISM. 

Mrs. Verdant Chcen (who is parting with her German Governess). "Off, BUT, FRAULEIN, YOU WOULD NEVER DO FOE THE ST. 
ALBYNS ; THBY "BE ROMAN CATHOLICS, YOU KNOW; AND YOU GAVE ME TO UNDERSTAND, WHEN YOU CAME TO us, THAT YOU WERE 
OF AN OLD LUTHERAN FAMILY." 

Proud Daughter of an Ancient Race. "AcH, VORKIF MB, MATAM, FOR LETTING YOU SINK I VAS A BRODESTANT I I VAS REALLY A 
ROMAN GASSOLIC ALL ZE TIME; IIKE MY NOPLE ANCESTORS IN ZB MITTLE AITCHFS, ZE COUNTS VON MBYBR-OPPENHJIM zu 

HIRSCH-GOLDBMID-ROSBSBBRG, WHO FOUGHT JN ZE GRU8ATE8 I'' 



THE SUNDAY PLEASURE-SEEKER'S 
VADE MECUM. 

(Compiled by a Thoughtful Man in the Street.) 

Question. I may take it that you are satis- 
fied with the Division in the Houseof Commons 
concerning the Sunday opening of museums 
in the Metropolis ? 

Answer. Certainly ; the more especially as 
it is the first time that such an event can be 
recorded. 

Q. And the fact that the majority of the 
House are Conservatives adds to the triumph ? 

A. Quite so, as the Opposition are generally 
accepted as the only supporters of progress. 

Q If the London museums come to be 
opened as proposed, what will he the probable 
result ? 

A. That for several weeks those places of 
instruction, if not amusement, will be crowded 
on the day added to the list. 

Q. And afterwards ? 

A. Then, judging from provincial prece- 
dents, the novelty will wear oif, and the 
number of Sunday visitors will fall to the 
level of the average week-day attendance, or 
even lower, 

Q. Will the Oil Messrs have a beneficial 
tffect on the average artisan ? 

A. It is to be hoped so, although sceptics 
and scoffers may urge that the Old Masters 
have not done much to improve the taste of 
per s HIS moving in a more exalted sphere of 
Society. 

Q. Have not Free Libraries been a sweet 
boon to the working-man? 

A. That is a matter open to doubt; at 
least, so say many influential ratepayers. 



Q. But will not the picture galleries Old 
Masters apart keep the artisans on a Sunday 
out of the public-houses ? 

A. Not if they are only opened from two 
to six, when the taverns are out of compe- 
tition. 

Q. Then the licensed victualler has no 
cause for apprehension P 

A. On the contrary, he should be able to 
discover cause for satisfaction in a movement 
that may possibly increase his profits. 

Q. Make your meaning plainer. 

A. I consider that the licensed victualler 
will find, when at six o'clock the galleries 
close and the taverns open, that many of the 
picture-inspecting crowd will seek his now 
legally hospitable establishment clamorous 
for suitable refreshment. 



A SOMERSET SONNET. 

OF a Zunday marn, as I do zit out door 
'Gin parch, I do arften zee what volks mid 

carl 

A garden-bed, zim zo, but middlin' smarl, 
By which wold Missus zet a deal o' store. 
You never ha'n't a-zin its like avore. 
Wi' roses red an' white, an' shart an' tarl, 
An' stocks an' poppies, daff ydils, an' arl, 
Zo bright as any rainbow 'tes for sure. 
I beaut a-tarkin' 'bout our garden gay, 
What vor'd a man be makin' rhymes upon it ? 
An' tidden garden-flow'rs I do mean no way 
But arl they flow'rs to Missus' Zunday bonnet ! 
Well there must stop schoolmeaster he do 

zay 
'Tes varteen lines do go to make a zonnet. 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THK CRITICAL COUSIN TO THE LAT>Y 
FOOTBALLER. 

I CONFESS I 'm surprised, cousin KATE, 

At the sport that you 've chosen to play 
But your reasons I don't under-rate, 

For, of cours?, \ith a will there 's a way. 
And your will I have known for so long, 

And your way 's irresistible might, 
So whether folks say it is wrong 

Doesn't matter, so long as you 're right. 
You 're a picture, when dressed for the fray 

In your jersey of delicate green, 
While your smart knickerbockers display 

The trim shape of you know what I mean. 
Your ruddy gold locks are tight curl'd 

In a knot 'neath your gay tassell'd cap ; 
You 're the prettiest boy in the world ! 

I shall certainly call you " old chap " I 
Your kicking is well, quite A 1, 

And you move with a great deal of ease ; 
But why does a feminine run 

Involve such a knocking of knees ? 
You dribble with marvellous zest, 

Yet never give chance of a fall ; 
But, it strikes me, you're just like the rest, 

A little bit scared by the ball. 

'Tis a spirited sight, I admit. 

What I a goal from your tip-tilted toe I 
A hit, KATE, a palpable hit ! 

There was no one to stop it you know. 
There I 've often indulged in the game 

That I learnt at the best of all schools ; 
But I 'm blest if this football's the same 1 

When you've done, dear, do teach me your 
rules ! 



H 

W 

w 
Q 



M 

i 



a 






JjO ' 



td 



td t-" 

s ^ 

o 



3 



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MARCH 21, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



141 



'A REUNION OF ARTS/ 1 

AT the Savoy Theatre Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN and "W. S. GILBEKT 
recently re-united, have produced a new opera, entitled The Grant 
Duke. "The long and the short of it" is exemplified in the two 
Acts : the second being not nearly so long as the first. It is of the 
old Savoy popular pattern, but a good deal of "cutting out" is 



THIS MEMORIAL 

IS AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATE 




still essential. About a third of the first Act and an eighth of the 
second, including the " Roulette song and chorus," might be omitted 
with advantage. Also for the conductor to catch at the slightest 
possible indication of a wish to encore is a mistake. " When in 
doubt, play trumps" but don't give an encore. 



The GILBERT and the SULLIVAN 

Once more are hand in hand, 
With BARRING-TON, Miss BRAND- 
RAM too, 

The last of former band. 
Consented have Sir S. and G. 

A point or two to strain, 
AndD'OiLY CARTE,with gladsome 
heart, 

Cries, " Here we are again I 
No matter what has gone before, 
I only ask for just one more 1 " 

And so a two-act opera, 
Unequal acts, they wrote ; 

Sir ARTHUR did the tuney tunes, 
With GILBERT for his " pote." 

CHARLES HARRIS puts it on the 



FRANK CELLIER beats the time, 
Not much of reason I engage 

Is here, but lots of rhyme I 
Though what about it all may 

be, 
Is, I admit, a mysteree. 

At 8.15 begins the show, 

"With chorus, girls and men ; 
Fun kept alive by BARBINGTON ; 

Piece ends 11.10. 
PASSMOBE, when seen, is comical ; 

Miss PERRY'S voice earns praise 
Madame VON PALM AY should 
recall 

Savoyard Palmy days. 
It pleases and it puzzles, but 
Onejhing is clear, it must be 
cut. 



OUE BOOKING-OFFICE. 

ABOUT the time violets begin to peep forth in sheltered woods, 
JBurdett's Official Intelligence of the Stock Exchange also comes 
out. It is in its fifteenth year, and if disclosure were made of the 
particular infants' food on which it has thrived, it would make the 
fortune of the nutriment. Sixty years ago MACATJLAY, reviewing 
Dr. NARES' History of Burleigh and his Time*, summed up the 
merits of the book by the remark that "it consists of about two 
thousand closely printed quarto pages, occupies fifteen hundred 
inches cubic measure, and weighs sixty pounds avoirdupois." No 
public weighing machine being within convenient distance of my 
Baronite's humble residence, he cannot fully follow MACAULAY'S 
method of criticism. But in the matter of pages and their size, 
BURDETT beats NARES. Two thousand one hundred and twenty- seven 
is the number of pages of the Official Intelligence, each crammed 
with information. Amongst new matter, it contains an article on 
the operation of the Sinking Fund, of peculiar interest just now. In 
it wiU be found the germ of the idea Mr. GOECHEN has adopted for 
meeting the added expenditure on Naval Works. 

By an undesigned coincidence Mr. FBOWDE has simultaneously 
issued from the Oxford University Press the Prayer Book and 
Hymns Ancient and Modern, beautifully printed on India paper, 
daintily bound, and held together in a morocco case. In bulk each 
measures If inch by a shade over two. Yet so marvellous is the 

S 'int. so delicate the workmanship, that they are easily read. With 
r. BUBDETT'S massive tome under his arm and Mr. FROWDE'S 
masterpiece in his waistcoat pocket, a man may go through life with 
the happy consciousness of possessing the largest and the smallest 
book of modern days. 

" To those who desire good company," writes one of the assistant 
readers, " I can heartily recommend Green-room Recollections, by 
ARTHUR W. A.BECKETT (ABROWSMITH'S). The little book is a model 
of what such books should be ; genially discursive, bright, unpreten- 
tious, and abounding in good stories admirably told. From his well- 
stored memory the author produces a series of amusing recollections 
dealing with the profession. CHARLES KEANE, BUCKSTONE, FECHTER, 
FRANK MARSHALL, PADDY GREEN of EVANS'S, PALGHAVE SIMPSON 
all these and many others has Mr. A.BECKETT seen and known, and of 
all of them he has some good story to tell. If I must select where 
all are good, I take as my favourite the account (on p. 218) of how 
the author and his brother, then very small boys, assisted a Poly- 
technic lecturer with pea-shooters while he was conducting his 
audience through Home. To receive a succession of peas full in his 
face while he discoursed on the city of the CAESARS must have been a 
terrible trial to a staid lecturer. Nothing, too, could be better than 
the story of ' Oonah,' produced at the Haymarket by EDMUND 
FALCONER. ' It began at seven o'clock sharp, and was still being 
played at one o'clock the following morning.' " 

What induced a skilled teller of romances, such as, undoubtedly, 
is MAX PEMBERTON, to waste his own and his reader's time in 
writing such stuff as A Gentleman's Gentleman? ^The idea is 
Thackerayan, and what he would have made of it it is not difficult 
for the admirers of Barry Lyndon to imagine. But this story, 
though it has all the advantages that large print, good margin, and 
ihe being contained in one handy-sized volume, can give it, is dis- 
appointing and wearisome. THE BARON DE BOOK- WORMS. 

A Stroke in Time saves Eight. 

" TIME is money." We 're frequently paying 
Through the nose for this apothegm old. 

But at Oxford they have a new saying, 
'Tis that Cambridge will find time ia GOLD. 

BURNS ON BILLS. 

Iris reported that Mr. JOHN BDRNS objects to bill posting on the 
[x>ndon County Council hoardings. Probably this is the first time 
;hat the ratepayers were informed that the L. C. C. hoarded any- 
;hing, as the bills posted by them never contain saving clauses, but 
jenerally refer to increased expenditure, and, in fact, refer to post- 
ulata, or more money to be required presently. 

GOT HIS LIITLE BIT OF SUGAR. Major-General GK C. BIRD, C.B., 
has been appointed to a First-class District in India. His adminis- 
tration is expected to be note-worthy. 

THE NICK OF (PAS)TIME. Sir HENRY MEPHISTOPHELES COL- 
VILE, K.C.M.G. Knight Commander of the Mummer Guards. 

THE BITTER CRY OF MR. WILLIAM CDTHBERT QUILTER, M.P. 
:>nre beer I 

ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES. Pullman Dining Cars. 



142 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. 



1896. 




Benevolent Old Gentleman. "Now THEN, LITTL t BOY. WHAT DJ YOU MKAN BY 

BULLYING THAT LITTLE GlBL ? DON'T YOU KNOW IT 'S VERY CRUEL f " 

Rude Little Boy. " GABN I WOT 's THB TROUBLE ? SHX'S MY SWMXTBXART!" 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

RED BADGE OF COURAGE." 



THIS book, by Mr. STEPHEN CRANE, hasbeen 
praised in the most extravagant manner by 
all sorts of critics. I have no wish to detract 
from such credit as may attach to Mr. CRANE 
for haying taken a subject outside of the ordi- 
nary ruck of subjects, and for having treated 
it in an unoonvential manner. I venture. 
however, to suggest that the book does fall 
short very far short of the high level to 
which most of the critics assign it, and that it 
falls short for very obvious reasons, which c an- 
not fail to suggest themselves to anyone who 
reads it witha desire toestimate it impartially 
according to those standards which are gene- 
rally accepted amongst students of literature. 

THE book professes to be the story of a youth 



enrolled in one of the Northern regiments 
during the American Civil War. I said 
" story," but, as a matter of fact, there is no 
story in the usual acceptation of the word. 
The youth he is scarcely ever called any- 
thing but "the youth," the expression occur- 
ring with dismal iteration on every j aee 
the youth, as I say, appears vagutly as ia a 
cloud, he commits dialogue and perpetrates a 
chaoticseriesof self-analysis, he flics from the 
battle-field, returis to it, analyses himself 
over and over again, is understood to behave 
heroically, and finally vanishes back into a 
thick mist of impressionism. Of story, in 
truth, there is absolutely nothing ; nota single 
character is clearly defined, scarcely an inci- 
dent is described in such a way as to force 
upon the reader (upr none reader, atany rite,) 
that over-mastering sense of its necessary 
truth whiohis the mark of really great notion. 



IK the second edition of The Red Badge of 
Courage are to be found excerpts from some of the 
Press notices which hailed the first edition. In one 
I read that " Mr. STEPHEN CRANE'S picture of the 
effect of actual fighting onaraw regiment is simply 
nnapproaohed in intimate knowledge and sustained 
imaginative strength. . . . This extraordinary 
book will appeal strongly to the insatiable desire to 
know the psychology of war how the sights and 
sounds, the terrible details of the drama of battle, 
affect the senses and the soul of man." " The 
reader," says another, " sees the battle not from 
afar, but from the inside." "This, we feel instinc- 
tively, is something like the reality of war." These 
are samples of the eulogies which have been libe- 
rally showered upon The Red Badge of Courage. 

IT will have been noticed that the common note 
struck by the reviewer is the masterly analysis of 
the reality of war. This is curious, for it turns out 
that Mr. CRANE is a young man of the age of 24, 
who, being an American, has presumably no per- 
sonal knowledge whatever of the emotions he 
undertakes to describe. And it may further be as- 
sumed that nine out of ten of his critics are in a 
similar case. Those, therefore, who are ignorant of 
war and its emotions testify to the absolute reality 
of war-pictures, painted by one who has himeelf 
never been near a battle. I am conscious of the 
retort that may be made, and I am prepared to 
admit at once that I myself have never fought 
through a battle or been near one ; nor have I ever 
occupied the position of referee at afootball match. 
All I say is, that this very confused and disjoint* d 
account of warfare does not impress me as being 
anything like what the real thing ought to be ; and 
I may go further, and add that, written, as it is, 
by a young American of 24, it cannot possibly 
possess the quality of "intimate knowledge'' 
with which it has been almost universally credited 
by those who have reviewed it. 

I HAVE read many stories of war, some imagina- 
tive, some written by men who had borne a share in 
the fighting. I have spoken to many men who have 
fought modest, manly fellows, for the most part, 
and by no meat s inclined to exaggt rate either their 
own heroism or that of their companions. And, 
putl ing aside all the tawdry noneenseof romancers, 
who give you merely the tinsel glitter of war, 1 
much doubt if "the youth" whose heart-searoh- 
ings are described in The Red Badge of Courage 
is at all a common type. The mass ot men may not 
be brave to desperation ; but they are braver, I take 
it, than this poor, sickly, sentimental, hysterical 
fool, who is constantly engaged in probing his own 
sensations when he ought to be loading and firing 
his rifle. The great battles of the world have all 
been fought by common men, and common men in 
the mass are brave and not cowardly. MICHAEL 
HARDY, who is commemorated in Sir EVELYN 
WOOD s book on the Crimea, was a common nan; 
the heroes of the 14'hRtgiment of the French army 
who perished almost to a man at Ey lau, were c jm 
mon men ; so were the sergeant and bis men to 
whose memory Sir FRANCIS HASTINGS DOYLE has 
dedicited The Red Thread of Honour, one of the 
noblest and most stirring battle-poems in our lan- 
guage. And for myself, I prefer the heroes of 
The Red Thread of Honour to the miserable 
creature who is dimly revealed to us in The Red 
Badge of Courage. 

I HAVE said nothing of the literary and gram- 
matical style of the book. Here are two examples. 

" Boried in the smoke of many rifles, his anger 
was directed not so much against the men whom he 
knew were rushing towards him, as against the 
swirling battle phantoms whichwere choki og him." 

" A lad whose face had borne an expression of 
exalted courage, the majesty of he who dares give 
his life, was, at an instant, smitten abject." On 
the whole, 1 cannot in the least agree with the 
reviewer who declares that, " as a work of art, 
The Red Badge of Courage deserves high praise. 
As a moral lesson that mankind still needs, the 
praise it deserves is higher still." 



MARCH 21, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



143 



LATEST QUOTATIONS. 

SOME weeks ago I asked JONES 
what he would recommend as an 
investment. " Well," he said, 
"if you want something perfectly 
safe to pay not quite three per 

cent ." " My dear fellow I " 

I exclaimed. "But," he continued, 
"if jrou want something profit- 
able, just a spec, you know, keep 
your eye on 'em, and sell out as 
soon as they rise, why not try 
that Debenture Corporation? If 
you '11 sit still a minute, I '11 read 
you the full title." Then he took 
an old prospectus from a drawer, 
and began, "The Imperial and 
Colonial Pioneer Land, Finance 
and Exploration and Amalga- 
mated and Consolidated Gold, 
Diamond and Miscellaneous Mines 
and Agricultural. Sheep and Cattle 
Breeding and Ostrich Farming 
Estates of West Africa and South 
Australia Mortgage Debenture 
Corporation, Limited." I waited 
patiently till he had finished, and 
then I drew a deep breath and 
recovered. " You would recom- 
mend," I said, " some shares in 
the in that how on earth can 
anyone remember all that name?" 
" Oh," he said, " we don't bother 
about the full title, we call 'em 
Irons." So I bought some Imps. 

Then my trouble began, for 
JONES had told me to keep an eye 
on the quotations in the papers 
every day, and sell out as soon as 
the shares rose. That is what I 
have been doing, and my eyesight 
is failing, for every newspaper 
prints every day, in a different 
place and in the smallest type, 
the quotations, which vary every 
hour by sixteenths or by thirty 
seconds. And the evening news- 
papers, which are the most excit- 
ing, since their quotations are the 
prices of the actual day, must of 
course set up and print these tiny 



FANCY PORTRAITS. 




[The Duke of CAMBRIDGE " can settle the wbole matter in a graceful and 
dignified manner bydecliningin advance the 1800 a year." Times, Marchl2.] 
Cassius Munvmius . . Rt.Hon.A>thrB-lf-r. 
Scipio Minor (Dux Nobttis) H.R H. D-ke of C-mbr-dge. 
Cassius Mummius. HAIL, NOBLE CHIEF I HEBE FROM MY HANDS 

RECEIVE 
THE GIFTS THE GODS PROVIDE I 

Scipio ("in a graceful and dignified manner "). I THANK THE GODS I 

BUT FOB A SOLDIER TIRED OF WAR'S ALARMS 

THERE 's NO REWARD, SAVE VIRTUE 1 ALL THE REST 

Is DROSS I I *LL NONE OF IT ! YET FOR YOUR COURTESY 
I THANK YOU. " The Roman Warrior," Act Last. 



figures in such a hurry, that the 
part of most interest to me is 
often smudged and illegible. But, 
worst of all, every newspaper, 
morning or evening, has a different 
abbreviation of the company's 
title. Of course, in a line haH 
an inch long they cannot print il 
in full. So in one I find " Imp. 
Col. Land Fin. Exp. Deb. Corp." ; 
in another, "I. C. Deb. Corp. oi 
W. Afr. S. Aust." ; in a third, 
" Pioneer Mort. Deb. Corp." ; in 
a fourth, " Imperials" ; in a fifth, 
" Mines Estates Deb. Corp." ; in 
a sixth, " W. Afr. S. Aust. Mort. 
Deb. Corp."; in a seventh, 
"W. A. S. A. Land Fin. Exp. 
Corp.," and so on, I can never 
remember under which initial 
letter I shall find it in the alpha- 
betical arrangement; I believe 
that several of the papers try a 
new abbreviation daily, and I am 
sure that I shall become blind or 
mad if I 'continue this search much 
longer. I wish I had bought Con- 
sols, the title of which never varies, 
and need never be abbreviated. 

What are those shares now? 
Here 's a paper. Has a new abbre- 
viation been discovered? Yes. 
Here thy are : " Am. G. D. M. 
Mines W. A. S. A. Corp." They 
have gone down j$ since I bought 
them. But I shall sell them to- 
morrow. 



A DIFFICULTY. 

How shall I turn a rhyme for you ? 

The songs have all long since 

been sung. 
Beneath the sun there 's nothing 

new, 

How shall I turn a rhyme for you ? 
Forestalled these many ages 

through 

Bypoet'spenand lover's tongue, 
How shall 1 turn a rhyme for y_ou ? 
The songs have all long since 
been sung. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 
House of Commons, Monday, March 9. Spectacle of good man 
struggling with adversity ever touches the well-regulated heart. 
Presented just now when WEDDERBURN essayed to load truck of 
proposed Light Railways with his speech, and run it over main 
line. Unfortunatelv for him this particular level crossing is 
guarded by a signal-box repre=ented by SPEAKER'S Chair. Question 
before House was that Light Railways Bill, bavin* been read second 
time, should be referred to Grand Committee on Trade. WEDDEH- 
BURN, as he winsomely mentioned, had prepared speech on second read- 
ing. Had several times attempted to catch the train on this particular 
journey ; had always missed it. " And then," he said, with wail in 
voice, recalling memories of Glencoe, " the Closure was moved." 
T IT?* ^"TthmS comes to the man who waits, even for a lift by 
wnt Railway. Subject up again now. Fortunately WEDDEHBPBN 
had in his pocket notes of second- reading speech. Would work them 
up into the truck forthwith. Perhaps if he hadn't uttered his 
lament over earlier misadventure he might have got in a few more 
spadesful before he was pulled up. But eo pleased with this fresh 
opportunity, couldn't help chuckling over it. Signalman in box on 
sharp look out. WEDDERBURN not reached second page of treasured 
notes before SPEAKER down on him with reminder that mmts of 
I been fully discussed on secmd reading. Sole question now as to 
which Committee the Bill should be referred. 
Only one chance of using up treasured speech. If Bill went to 

Hand Committee all was lost ; if referred to Committee of whole House 

speech might be worked off, if not at one burat, then in cheerful spurts 

succeeding amendments. Such a happy thought this I WEDDER- 

BU u m/ Krald not refrai a sharing with the House Joy of its possession. 

Ine reason why," he said, " I wish to keep this measure in the 

louse is because I have not been allowed the opportunity of speak- 



ing in debate on the second reading." Whereat frivolous Members 
opposite burst into hilarious laughter, amid which WEDDERBURN 
wondering, sat down. 

Mr. WEIR much touched at countryman's calamity. " If," he 
whispered, " yon '11 lend me your speech, I '11 put it in the form of 
questions for you. At the rate of three or four a day they will carry 
yon over Easter. Nothing easier. Take out a passage; put before 
it Query ' Is the right hon. gentleman aware ; ' stick note of 
interrogation at the end ; and there you are." 

Light Railways Bill safely shunted into Grand Committee Yard ; 
House got into Committee on the Navy Estimates. SAGE OF QUEEN 
ANNE'S GATE uncompromisingly opposed increase; quoted, in 
support of argument, fate of the First NAPOLEON, and example of the 
Early Christians. This last fell a little flat, for, as Cap'en TOHMT 
BOWLES shrewdly observed, SAGE much more nearly resembles a late 
Pagan than an Early Christian. 

Business done. Voted the Men for the Navy. 

Tuesday. " Et tu BARTLET?" GERALD BALFOTJR murmured, 
looking with sad eyes below the Gangway. 

Little been heard of the Blameless One since New Ministry formed, 
and he and Ca'pen TOMMY left on the leeshore. The CAP'EN stands 
by his old quarters, on second beach above Gangway. Has even 
appropriated corner seat once filled by Private HANBURT, now joined 
the officers' mess. But the Blameless BARTLET to-day blushes below 
the Gangway in quarters where tea-room cabals are got up, Round 
Robins signed, and similar hints given to esteemed Leaders that they 
would have been wiser hd they made other distribution of offices. 

Business before the House, a private Bill promoted by Belfast 
Corporation. Under existing arrangements, 70,000 out of population 
of 250,000 have no voice in^nanagement of municipal affairs. Men 
in possession want to make things permanently snug on same basis. 
JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg, waving Orange flag in face of Nationalist 
Members opposite, declares that Belfast is prosperous beoausejt is 



144 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 21, 1896. 



Protestant. Any attempt to remove bann from Catholic citizens would 
be immediately followed by decadence of the shipbuilding trade and 
limpness in the linen market. When B. B. rose from quarter in which 
BALLYKILBEG beats the Protestant drum, it was taken as a matter of 
course he would follow on same lines. In last Parliament, when he sat 
above Gangway, wanting to know when SQUIBE OF MAI.WOOD was going 
to bring in his Local Veto Bill, any spare moments not devoted to con- 
sideration of that entrancing topic were given to banging Irish Nation- 
alist Members about the head. House now had its breath temporarily 
taken away by hearing the Blameless B., in the familiar gruff voice 
and uncompromising manner, denounce the Belfast business as 
" unfair, unjust, un-English." " It seems to me, Sir," said B. B., " a 
monstrous thing that we should talk so much about justice to Ireland, 
and permit this outrageous anomaly in Belfast to cantinue." 

COURTNEY had said much same thing half an hour earlier. Awk- 
ward thin gs from that quarter not unfamiliar on Treasury Bench But 

with Blameless, Blushing, 
Bashful BARLEY "kick- 
ing out ahind and afora" 
tbiogs looked strange, fully 
accounting for reduction ot: 
Ministerial majority to 55. 
"Curious effect air below 
the Gangway has upon the 
irost blameless men," said 
GERALD, cjntinuing bis co- 
gitation. " Must have it 
samp'eijCarefully analysed, 
and fa what we can do to 
counteract evil properties." 
Business done. Motion 
for opening National Mu- 
seums and Art Galleries in 
London on Sundays carried. 
Thursday. Pretty to see 
what surging passion of 
personal desire DON JOSE 
creates in breast of Irish 
Members. They can neither 
live with him nor without 
him. To-night when Com- 
mittee of Supply had for 
hours lain under gas-lit 
roof a fluggish pool, DON 
JOSE stepped down and 
grievously stirred it. Tu- 
mult broke forth with 
volcanic tuddenness and 
energy. All about Ashanti. 
That clear-sighted, high- 
souled statesman, WILLIE 
REDMOND,regardsthewhole 
business of the Expedition 
' I *m Bountiful, Bashful Bartley ! " as " iniquitous." J H N 
DILLON, not to be outdone by spokesman from other camp of United 
Ireland, condemned it as "inglorious and degrading." "Wicked 
and unnecessary " was Dr. CLARK'S commentary, as he rushed in 
breathless, fearful that all the hard language would be used up. 

This touched DON JOSE on tender spot. Pardonably proud of 
manner in which he has conducted this little war ; to have it spoken 
of in these terms more than person even of his ordinary equability of 
temper could stand. 

" 'Twas ever thus," paid PRINCE ARTHUR, soothingly. " SCIPIO 
AFRICANTTS had his PETILII, you remember. If CLARK and WILLIE 
REDMOND had been in the flesh when SCIPIO came back to Rome, 
bringing his laurels from Zama, they would have moved to reduce 
the vote on account of the expedition by the equivalent to 100,000, 
bewailing the exceedingly rude treatment of HANNIBAL." 

DON JOSE AFBICANUS appeared at table with ominous calmness of 
demeanour. Got on pretty well till DALZEBL interrupted. " As the 
hon. Member," he retorted, "has not read the Blue Books, he is 
probably going to join in the debate." 

Gentlemen below Gangway howled with anguished indignation, 
PBINCE ARTHTIR looked uneasily at clock; midnight approaching; 
must get vote; all going on nicely, and now the fat in the fire, 
fizzling up all round, turning to ashes hope of quietly snatching 
vote in that moment of exhaustion to which twenty minutes earlier 
Committee closely approached. 

After this continuous storm, the Closure and TIM HEALY. TIM 
been in comparative retirement through sitting. Scented the battle 
from afar ; drawn by irresistible chain. For some moments of wild 
delight, he stood shouting back contumely and scorn at gentlemen 
opposite, who wanted to go to division. Dow JOSE having, with 
assistance of Closure, obtained vote in which he was interested, went 
off home. Hereupon grief of friends opposite broke out in fresh 
place, more than ever uncontrollable. House sat all night. In any 




pause in conversation was heard the voice of WILLIE REDMOND 
crying aloud, "Where's CHAMBERLAIN ? " and no answer came 
forth from the secretive Night. 
Business done. Supplementary Army Estimates voted. 




EVICTED FROM A- SHANTY ! 

King Prempeh. " J'lly nice f ' lers Re'mond an' Dill'n t' shtan' up fer a 
f ler when he can' shtsn' up fer 'imself ! "We won' go 'ome till mor (Me)." 
(And they didn't! House rose at 5.15 A.M. !) 

Friday. The REVERBERATING COLOMB back a^ain. Like his 
distant relation, the Colonne Vendome, has been laid low by ad- 
versity. Set up ^-^. 
agsioatlastGene- V 
ralElection;bere 
he is to-night, 
shouting at the 
top of nis voice 
for a fall hoar 
by Westminster 
clock. "Doesnt 
want much," as 
the 'bus conduc- 
tor observed of 
the old lady who 
said phe 1 ' wanted 
the Bank of Eng- 
land. 1 ' Sir JOHN 
willbesatisiiedif 
Financial Secre- 
tary will lay on 
table for infor- 
mation of himf elf 
and the world 
generally, full 
particulars, now 
jealouslyguarded 
in pigeon holes 
of War Office, 
of the general 
scheme of Na- 
tional Defence. 
ST. JOHN BROD- 

BICK. one of few A LAT PAGAN BEFORE HI8 ALTAB 

survivors ot the Mri L-b-ch-re, as seen by Cap'en Tommy Bowles. 

SpGGCH f TxLlUK S 

not. The COLOMB having made its speech offers to withdraw its 
amendment. House insists on negativing it. 
Business done. Got into Committee on Army Estimates. 




MARCH 28, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



145 



SAGA OF THE SAGACIOUS 
NORSEGAL 

SEE in the paper that there is 
a movement for getting Scandi- 
navian female servants over to 
England. They are said to be 
-plentiful, and strictly honest, and 
to regard 12 a year as untold 
wealth. 

Have ordered one. A Viqueen, 
fresh from the fiords. Thought 
she would understand German. 
She doesn't at least not my 
German. Wife tries her with 
French. She grins amiably. This 
is rather serious. Forgot all about 
the language difficulty. 

Get Scandinavian Dictionary. 
Try her with simple sentences. 
"Do you come from Sweden?" 
Curious, she seems offended at 
the question. "Why ? It appears 
she is a Norsewoman, and Norse 
and Swedes don't love each other. 
How childish I Possibly a refer- 
ence to IBSEN will mollify her. 
" Do you know Herr (do they call 
them "Herrs" in Norway?) 
IBSEN, mein fraulein t " Says 
she' s never heard of him. Such 
is fame ! 

Best point about her is, that 
she is undeniably strong. May 
not be true or tender, but, any- 
how, strong. Moves our grand 
piano with one hand, duite a 
" feat ojfthe fiord," this. 

As cook, our hardy Norsewo- 
man slightly primitive. Has a 
passion tor caraway seeds. Wife 




THE NAVAL PREPARATIONS. 

SUGGESTED CORPS OF SUBMARINE CAVALRY (ROYAL MOUNTED SUB- 
MABINES), NOT INCLUDED IN THIS YEAR'S ESTIMATES. 



objects. She i ays ' ' caraway seeds 
used in every dish in Norway." 
That decides me shall not take 
a tour among the fiords this year, 
as I was thinking of doing. Even 
the North Cape would be spoiled 
by a diet of caraway. 

Oar Gretchen (query is "Gret- 
chen" the correct Norse word?) 
becomes gloomy. Evidently pines 
for home ; naturally, perhaps, as 
Norway the home of pines I Wife 
interrogates her. She complains 
of an absence of avalanches in 
London. Sorry we can't oblige her 
with these. Also, it seems, Eng- 
land is " not cold enough for her." 
But she hasn't seen our summer 
yet. Then she would like a few 
reindeer about the place, and con- 
siders a cab a very poor substi- 
tute for a carriole. 

To comfort her, I try a tip. 
She at once w armly shakes hands 
with me ! Appears to be the cus- 
tom of her country. Extraor- 
dinary and a little embarrassing. 

She is off to Hull ! Not even 
a princely fortune (12 a year) 
will induce her to stay in a city 
which never has an avalanche or 
an aurora. Our Northern light 
has gone out I 



ROYAL ACADEMY OF Music. 
" Potter Exhibition prize 
awarded to Mr. R. NEVILLE 
FLUX." "We've often heard of 
" By flux of time," but his future 
compositions will be by " Flux of 
tone." 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

A BRIDEGROOM AT MONTE CARLO TO HIS 
BRIDE. 

I AM lounging at ease 'neath a tropical pa'm 

That looks up at a tropical sky, 
While the water below has a tropical calm 

And the braze gives a tropical sigh. 
There's a tropical sun to illumine the green, 

There are flowers of tropical hue, 
There are tropical folk to embellish the scene, 

There 's a tropical look about you. 

We all of us speak with compassionate tmile 

Of the land of perpetual fog, 
Where continued existence is scarce woith 
the while 

Of a well-bred and well-to-do dog. 
It is only when safe in this thnce happy 



That one dreams of the Isles of the Bl( st, 
Taat one pities the ever exiguous lot 
Of the many, who work without rest. 

Here 's your cloak 1 there are clouds, and the 

air 's not so clear. 
Yes, in England we'd say, "Thtra'll be 

snow." 
Such a thing in this country could never 

appear ; 

It 's a tropical climate, you know. 
You call it the mistral f It 's awfully chill, 

And. by Jupiter 1 here comes the wet 
Down in buckets! No waterproof s ? Never 

mind. Still 
We can get warm again at roulette I 

You 've a system ? Bravo I If I follow your 

play, 

Then by doubling we must win a coup ! 
That 's nineteen times running your luck 's 

gone astray 1 
So has mine, and I haven't a sou ! 



What, you 've still got a " Nap " ? There ' 

our number ! It 's not ? 
What, you chang'd? Then the bank we 

can't break. 
Though the tropical gentry are certainly 

hot, 
Yet no woman here could love a rake I 



MR. PUNCH'S PLAYING CARDS. 




No. III. THE KNAVE OF OLUBS AND 

SHILLELAGHS. 
D-LL-N. H-LY. 



ECHOES FROM BERLIN. 

" HAVE you carefully packed up that silver 
cup and despatched it to Cowes?" "Yes, 
your Majesty." 

" Have you looked out a showy decoration 
for the acceptance of the Negus?" "Yes, 
your Majesty." 

" Have you had a copy of the engraving of 
my famous picture framed in diamonds for 
the KHEDIVE ? " " Yes, your Majesty." 

"Have you selected a diplomatic suit 
(cocked hat, sword, breeches and all) for the 
use (f President KBTTGER?" "Yes, your 
Majesty." 

''Have you forwarded my plan for the 
Paris Exhibition of 1900 to President 
FAUKE ? " " Yes, your Maj esty." 

"Have you mailed my scheme for a new 
constitution of the U.S.A. to President 
CLEVELAND ? " " Yes, your Majesty." 

" Have you posted my pamphlet, ' How to 
Ride a High Horse,' to the Emperor of 
Austria, on the occasion of his becoming my 
brother officer in the British cavalry ? " 
" Yes, your Majesty." 

" Have you handed my last sermon to the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, the Emperor of 
Abvsginia, General Booth, and the Pope?" 
" Yes, your Majesty." 

"Have you sent my memorandum, On 
the Extraction of the Yolks of Eggs by 
Suction,' to the most venerable of my revered 
relatives ? " " Yes, your Maj esty." 

" Then, after you have filled up a telegram 
of congratulation to the winner of the Boat- 
race, leaving the name blank, you can go to 
dinner." " Yes, your Majesty." 



SUGGESTED MOTTOES FOR THE GHEEN PAKK 
CLUB. Fir non semper viret, and Virtus 
semper viridis. 



VOL. ex., 



146 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 28, 1896. 




CHARLES THE BOLD. 

[" What he wanted was personal responsibility. If an expert said we had enough ammunition, and it was proved we had not, he ought to be 
tried by court-martial and shot." Report of Lord Charles Beresford's Speech, Times, March 20, 1896.] 



Charles. " SHOULD AN EXPERT OF POSITION, 
SWEAR ENOUGH OF AMMUNITION 

WE HAVE GOT, 

AND WE 'VJE NOT, 
Chorus. " AND WE '\TE NOT ? 



Charles (solo), "HB'LL BE TRIED B? A COMMISSION, 
AND, UPON HIS OWN ADMISSION, 

WHICH THEY'VE GOT, 

HE'LL BE SHOT, 
Chorus. "MrsT BE SHOT!" 



MARCH 28, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



147 



CHARLEY AND THE NAVY. 

[" An archangel could not work under the pre- 
sent system. ... He wanted to make what was 
now a sham into a reality." 

Lord Charles Berettford on Naval Defence.'] 

AIR: " Nelson and the Navy" 

I SAT, my bold hearties ! here 's one who ne'er 

shirks. 

He '11 give it our f oemen with gravy. 
And what with the Frenchies, the Yanks, 

and the Turks, 

Old England has need of a Navy. 
Lord CHARLEY has got a determinate view 

To keep up our national glory. 
We want lots o' ships, lots o' guns, and men, 

too; 
Yes, CHABLEY, my lad, that's the story I 

To England and honesty true he has been. 

Though he 's better at fight than at parley. 
Let 's he loyal to country, and true to the 
QUEEN; 

And drink to the Navy and CHABLEY ! 

He knows the light orders are free cash and 

care, 

And by heart he has perfectly got 'em. 
They have wasted our wealth upon ships as 

won't wear, 

And some have gone smack to the bottom. 
It isn't so much that our taxes has growed, 

Though enough of that tack we have tasted. 
"We want a good fleet, and expenses be 

blowed 1 

But so much of what's spent now is 
toasted ! 

Can't follow their figures, I give ye my 
word, 

As the landlubbers tot 'em and twist 'em. 
But what strikes a plain sailorman as absurd, 

As Lord CHARLEY says, is the System I 
In course for our ships and our guns we must 
pay, [kick 'em ! 

But if big-wigs will squander, why, 
Give us value for money, in BEBEPFOBD'S way, 

Then show us our foes and we '11 lick 'em ! 

They chatter and patter, and squabble and 

shift, 

And don't know their minds half-a-minute. 
If officers quarrel and let the ship drift, 

She '11 sink, or the dickens is in it. 
If Ministers, stuffed with their figures, like 

geese, 

Know no more of the facts than this paper, 
They '11 land us in war whilst they 're crying 

out peace I 
And smash is the end o' that caper. 

The Adm'ralty bosses, who handle our cash, 
Do seem to get worser and worser ; 

A chap who's now stingy, now spendthrift 

and rash. 
Is not the right party for purser. 

It seems to me, somehow, they're moslly 



And when they are waking they 're snarley. 
That 's not the right way for to hold or to 



Oar rale of the waves, is it, CHABLEY ? 

If we 're not up to date, hut a moment too 

late, [crockery. 

We'll get smashed, like a basket o' 

We are game to fight odds if prepared for 

our fate, 

But muddling and bragging mean mockery. 
Those dashed " Little Eaglanders" give me 

the spleen. 

Bat let patriots be cautious and steady. 
Pass the word, and we'll fight for country 

and Queen, 
But, as CHABLEY says, do let's he ready I 

Here's BEBESFOBD'S health I He's the Navy's 

best friend, 
As true as the keel to the kelson, 





A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION. 



Jim. "WHAT'S THIS 'EBB ' BI-MBTALLISM,' BILL?" 

Sill (of superior intelligence). ' WELL, YBB SEE, JIM, IT 's HEITHER A LICENSD WIIT- 
LERS' OR A TEETOTAL DODGE. THE WAGES 'LL BB PAID IN SILVER, AND NO MORE OOPPEKS. 
So YOU CAN'T GET NO ARF-PINT NOR HANYTHINK TTNDBR A SIXPENCE OR A THRIP'NY. 
THEN YOU HEITHBB LEAVES IT ALONE, AND TAKES TO WATER LIKB A DUCK, OR YOU RUNS 
UP A SCORE." 

Jim. "An! Bur IF THERE AIN'T NO MORE COPPERS, 'ow ABOUT THE 'BUSSES AND THE 
HUNDERGBOUND RiLEWAY ? " Bill (profoundly). " AH 1 " [Left sitting. 



But a system what 's rotten will baulk in the 

end 

An archangel, or even a Nelson. 
If his money's well spent, BULL will " part " 

with a smile, 

For sbips, men, forts, harbours, and cannon ; 

And then he won't bother at threats from the 

Nile, [Shannon. 

Though backed by black scowls from the 

Then for England let 's join, spite of partisan 

spleen, 

And Parliament splutter and parley ; 
Let's fill a joint humper to Country and 

Queen, 
And drink to the Navy and CHARLEY ! 



ALFRED AMONG THE IMMORTALS. 
(The Poet Laureate is on, view at Madtme 

Tussaud's. ) 

LET them jibe, let them jeer, 
Let them snigger and sneer 

At my dramas, my lays, and my cdes I 
Others know my true worth 
Mid the Great Ones of earth 
They have shrined me at Madame 
TUSSAUD'S ! 

LEATHER-LUNGED PATRIOTISM. While 
"LABBY," M.P., is invoking "congenial 
souls," his constituents are providing suit- 
able boots for the Soudan Expedition. 



148 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 28, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(BY BABOO HTTBRY BUNGSHO JABBEBJBB, B.A.) 

No. YII. 

How Mr. Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very 
like a Whale. 

I AM this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck 
occurring to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the 
addressing of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble 
Punch, calling attention to the great copiousness of my literary out- 
put, and the ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money 
on account. On which, by returning post, my parched soul was re- 
invigorated by the refreshing draught of a draft (if I may be 
permitted the rather facetious feu de mots) payable to my order. 

So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast 
upon the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the 
improved form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the 
bank on which my cheque was 
drafted, and requested the 
bankers behind the counter to 
honour it with the root of all 
evil, which they did with ob- 
sequious alacrity. 

After closely inspecting the 
notes to satisfy myself that I 
had not been imposed upon by 
meretricious counterfeits, I 
f merged with a beaming and 
joyful countenance, stowing 
the needful away carefully in 
an interior pocket, and, on 
descending the bank step, was 
accosted by a polite, agreeable 
stranger, who, begging my 
pardon with profusion, in- 
quired whether he had not 
had the honour of voyaging 
from India with me in the 
the for his life he could not 
recall the name of the ship 
he should forget his own name 
presently I 

" Indeed," I answered him, 
"I cannot remember having 
the felicity of an encounter 
with you upon the Kaisar-i- 
Hind." 

The Stranger : "To be sure; 
that was the name ! A truly 
magnificent vessel! I forget 
names but faces, never I And 
yours I remember from the 
striking resemblance to my 
dear friend, the Maharajah of 
Phulkarribad you know him ? 
a very elegant young, hand- 
some chap. A splendid Shi- 
karri ! I was often on the 
verge of asking if you were 
related ; but being then but a 




" Was accosted by a polite, agreeab.e str^i gcr." 



second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did rot 
dare to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to 
decease of wealthy uncle, 1 can address you without the mortifying 
fear of misconstruction." 

So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with 
the Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform 



separated by the old long sign of a longinquity. What followed I 
shall render in a dialogue form. 

The Third Party : Why, TOMKINS, you have a prosperous appear- 
ance, TOMKLNS. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity 
of a churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, TOMKINS ? 

Mr. Tomkins. I am too easy a goer, and there are too many rogues 
in the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, JOHNSON ! 
Happily for me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately 
departed to reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside 
the dream of an avaricious I 

Mr. Johnson (enviously). God bless my soul I Some folks have 
the good luck. (To me, whispering.) A poor ninny-hammer sort of 
chap, he will soon throw it away on drakes and ducks ! (Aloud, to 
Mr. TOMKINS.) Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely. 

Mr. T. (in a tone of dolesomeness). The heart knoweth where the 
shoe pinches it, JOHNSON. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique 
and eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition 
commanding me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three 
calendered months from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed 

ten thousand pour <1 s amongst 
young deserving foreigners. 
To-morrow time is up, and I 
have still a thousand pounds 
to give away ! Bat now to 
disoover genuine young de- 
serving foreigners in so short 
a space ? Truly, I go in fear 
of losing the whole ! 

Mr. J. Let me act as your 
budli in this and distribute 
the remaining thousand. 

Mr. T. From what I re- 
member of you as a yonth, I 
cannot wholly rely on your 
discretion. Rather would I 
place my confidence in this 
gentleman. 

[Indicating myself, who 
turned orange with 
pleasure. 

Mr. J. Indeed? And how 
know you that he may not 
adhere to the ent : re thou- 
sand? 

Mr. T. And if he does, it 
is no matter, if he is a genuine 
deserving. I can give the 
whole tohim if lam so minded, 
and he need not give away a 
penny of it unless inclined. 
[At which I was fit to 

dance with delight. 
Mr. J. I deny that you 
possess the power, seeing that 
he is a British subject, and as 
such cannot be styled a 
"foreigner." 

Mr. T. There you have 
mooted a knotty point indeed. 
Alas, that we have no forensic 
big- wig here to decide it I 
Myself (modestly). As a 




native poor student of Erglish law, I venture to think that^by dint 
of my legal attainments, I shall be enabled to crack the Gordian nut. 
I am distinctly of opinion that an individual born of dusky parents 
in a tropical climate is a foreigner, in the eye of British prejudice, 
and within the meaning of the testator. [And here I maintained my 
assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy and erudition that I 



him that I, too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn j completely convinced the minds of both auditors. 

the princely instalment of a salary for jots and tittles contributed to j Mr. J. (grumblingly, to Mr. TOMKINS). Assuming he is correct, why 

periodical Punch. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing favour him more than me f 

high appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the Mr. T. Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a 

miserable paucity of my honorarium, saying he was thick as a thief face as his however dusky may let rusted, and with the untold gold! 

with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a Mr. J. (jealously). And I am not to be trusted ! If you were to 

greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap hand me your portemonnaie now, full of notes and gold, and let me 

at a Jew's eye. walk into the street with it, do you doubt that I should return ? 

And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable Speak, TOMKINS ! 

sort *f tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at ; Mr. T. Assuredly not; but so. too, would this gentleman. (Tome, 
his expense ; to which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, , as Mr. JOHKSON sneered a doubt.) Here, you Sir, take this porte- 
simple fellow, inflated by sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, ! monnaie out into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your 
contrary to my normal habitude, his offer of a brandy panee, or an honour to return it intact. (After I had emerged triumphantly 
old Tom. from this severe ordeal of my bona fide.) Aha, JOHNSON ! am I the 

While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, ' judge of men or not ? 

like most globular trotters, he hsd not been long enough in the Mr J. (still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in h's friend's 
country to be accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so favour). Pish I Who would steal a paltry 50 and lose 1000 ? 

ppened, was an early acquaintance of my companion, though | had BO much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I 



MARCH 28, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



149 



was about to endow had corresponding confidence in me. Now, 
though I have always considered you as a dull, I know you to 
be strictly honest, and would trust you with all I possess. In 
proof of which, take these two golden sovere'gns and few shillings 
outside. Stay away as long as you desire. You will return, I 
know you well I 

Myself (penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the 
engine- driver on his own petard}. Who would not risk a paltry 
2 to gain 1000 P Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly I 

Mr. J. (to me). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act 
likewise ? If you are expecting him to trust you with the pot 
of money, he has a right to expect to be trusted in return. 
That is logic ! 

Mr. T. (mildly). No, JOHNSON, you are too hasty, JOHNSON. 
The cases are different. I can understand the gentleman's very 
natural hesitation. I do not ask him to show his confidence in 
me enough that I feel I can trust him. If he doubts my 
honesty, I shall think no worse of him ; whichever way I decide 
eventually. 

[Here, terrified Jest by hesitation I had wounded him at his 
quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust 
the thousand pounds to Mr. JOHNSON, / hastily pro- 
duced all the specie and bullion I had upon me. in- 
cluding a valuable large golden chronometer and chain 
of best English make, and besought him to go into the 
uter air for a while with them, which, after repeated 
refusals, he at last consented to do, leaving Myself and 
Mr. JOHNSON to wait. 

Mr. J. (after tedious lapse of ten minutes). Strange I I ex- 
pected hiaa back before this. But he is an absent-minded, 
chuckle-healed chap. Very likely he is staring at a down- 
fallen horse and has forgotten this affair. I had better go in 
search of him. What ? you will come, too. Capital ! Then if 
you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss him ! 

But, alack ! we did ; and, in a short time, both Misters were 
invisible to the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. 
Certain of my fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared 
that I had been diddled by a bamboozle-trick : but it it egregi- 
ously absurd that my puiseanoe in knowledge of the world 
should have been so much at fault ; and, moreover, why should 
one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my 
paltry possessions P It is much more probable that they are 
still diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry 
of moment, to ascertain my name and address: and I hereby 
request Mr. TOMKINS, on reading this, to forward the thousand 
pounds (or so much thereof as in his munificent generosity he 




NEW DEFINITION. 

"BUT TELL MB, ALICE. Is HE WELL, IS HE QUITS A GENTLEMAN?" 

Alice (after a pause). "W*LL, HE'S NICE-LOOKING, AND HE'S GOT HIS 



HANDKERCHIEF TTP HIS CUFF.' 



may deem sufficient) to me at Portioobello House, Ladbroke Grove, 
W., or care of his friend, the Editor of Punch, by whom it will (I 
am sure) be honourably handed over intact. 

Nor^need Mr. TOMKINS fear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for 
there is a somewhat musty proverb that " Procrastination is prefer- 
able to Neverness." 



CUCKOO ! 

(After Shakspeare.) 

WHEN twigs are bare and noses blue. 

And the far hills with snow still white ; 
A cuckoo-passion fires the few 

Who to the morning papers write. 
The cuckoo, then 'tis fiddle-de-dee 1 
Taey've heard, they vow, chirp o'er the lea, 

Cuckoo I 

Cuckoo I Cuckoo I Oh, word of fear 
Unpleasing to an honest ear I 

Amateur naturalists have jaws 

That neither truth nor honour locks. 
They do not heed discretion's laws ; 

They care for cuckoos, not for clocks. 
The cuckoo-song in Feb-ru-a-ree, 
They swear they hear. Ah, me I Ah, me t 

Cuckoo 1 

Cuckoo I Cuckoo I I greatly fear, 
Tour naturalist hath a false ear I 



HONOTOS EAST. Last week the Conservatives acknowledged their 
debt to Captain MIDDLETON, " the controlling spirit of their organi- 
sation" during the past eleven years, by presenting him with a 
little cheque for 10,000. We believe it is also proposed to change 
the name of MIDDLETON into " Captain Middleman." 

SONG AND CHORUS (very slightly altered from the origtnat, to be sung 
by Baron POLLOCK and Mr. JUSTICE BRUCE, when the Tower Hamlets 
Election Case shall be over)." Oh, WILLIS, we shall miss you I " 



OUE BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Mtss ELLEN THORNEYCBOFT FOWLER'S Verses Wise or Otherwise 
(CASSBLL) are certainly all good. Many are reminiscent of PRAED'S 
fight touch. The dainty little volume is rich in poetic fancy, winged 
in. skilful verse. 

I suppose the Unfinished Novel " catches on," or the kind of story 
represented by NETTA STKETT'S Nobody's Fault, which may be 
described as belonging to the "So-far-as-it-goes" class, would 
not be published. The characters awaken your interest ; so does 
the tale, " so-far-as-it-goes," for the story is well written, and the 
leading dramatis persona well imagined. But the story, not a long 
one in a single volume, is " endless." It is a cul-de-sac with an 
enticing entrance. You turn back again to eee if you've missed 
any opening, any hint of a way out of it, but you find none. And 
the moral of it ? " You takes your choice." The methodless 
method of thus writing a story seems to me to save a lot of 
trouble and much patient thought. You start a story. Happy 
Thought someone who does something ; who meets somebody; who 
does something else ; who gets into difficulties and then ? How to 

Bit her out of them? Another Happy Thought, Oh, bother! 
on't try to get. her out of them. Leave her there. The story s 
good " so-far-as-it-goes," and if you want more for your money you 
can't have it. You 've got a third of a three- volume novel and you 
pay a third of a three-volume price. Quite fair. " If," says the 
wily author, "I see how to finish the adventures of my heroine 
(THACKERAY used to " carry over" his figures to his next account) 
satisfactorily, that is, either kill her < r cure her, then I wiU write 
you another volume, or, maybe. The Story of Bridget, in two 
volumes. But that will be another story." Hoping that NETTA 
SrKETT will do this, I strongly recommend the careful perusal .of her 
present book, Nobody's Fault, which, as a specimen of The So-far- 
as-it-goes" and of "The Altogether," I venture to consider well 
worth reading. THE BAKON-. 

" FOR THE NEXT OCCUPIER." Last Friday's Gazette announced 
that the QUEEN has approved of the retention of the title of 
%< honourable " by Sir DAVID TENNANT on his retirement from the 
Cape House Speakership. It is to be hoped that in the future the 
Cape House will find as good a Tennant. 



150 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 28, 1896. 




A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE. 

Mamma (to Molly, who has scratched and bitten her French Nurse, and who won't be sorry for 
her behaviour). " OH, MOLLY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO IT is PUTS SUCH WICKKD THOUGHTS INTO 
YOUR HEAD?" 

Molly. " AH, YIS, THB SCRATCBIX& ! Bur TO BITS FELICIE WAS QUITE MY OWN IDEA I" 



A FEW PICTURES. 

HAPPY man be his dole who is the fortunate 
possessor of even a few of the specimens of 
Barbizonian art now exhibiting at the Graf ton 
Galleries. Do not omit a considerable pause 
before No. 127 and No. 125. by MARIS ; note 
especially 125, showing an old woman coming 
away from the sea, homeward, across the 
sand in a sea-weed gatherer's cart. She has 
probably been collecting wreck-rubbish, odds 
and ends, on the rocks. The title might well 
have been "A Picker-up of Unconsidered 
Trifles;" or "A Marine Widow with her 
Sea-weeds." No. 61, MILLET'S " Angelus," 



is of wcrld-wide renown. No. 95, MICHEL'S 
" Windmill." More wind is expected. The 
artist evidently knew how to "raise the 
wind" when he drew this. No. 13. Is this an 
Irish cabin, with mother and son at a meal of 
"potatoes and point " ? A touching subject, 
finely painted by JOSEF ISRAELS. They are 
both hungry, but the question arises, which 
is to commence? The ancient dame or the 
hungry boy ? 

No. 112. HEBB DIAZ has had a happy 
day in Epping Forest, and gives a charming 
reminiscence of the event. 

The great attraction, to a majority of land- 
scape-lovers, will be COBOT'S work ; almost 



all his pictures represent that peculiar hazy 
atmosphere which makes the foliage of a 
French- grey tint. The much- travelled ob- 
server will have noticed this atmospheric effect 
on the line between Calais and Paris. The 
idea conveyed is either that there is no sun to 
speak of in this part of France, or that the 
artist invariably selected a dull day for his 
work. COBOT is the brilliant painter of a 
" Dull Day" in France. The exhibition is 
well worth several visits. 



A QUARTER-DAY BALLAD OF SPRING. 

You sing a song of life renewed, 

Of buds that promise leaves, 
Of lawns with daffodils bestrewed, 

Of swallows 'neath the eaves, 
Of tiny blades that shall be corn, 

Of flowers wrapt in scent. 
You hail the welcome April morn, 

And I the quarter's rent. 
You tell of how your feelings thrill 

Whenltouched by Springtide spell, 
And speak of tender hearts that fill 

Like buckets at a well. 
You ask me if my troth was true ? 

If all my love is spent P 
Both vows and bills I will renew 

When I have paid the rent ! 



LlTEBABY AND DRAMATIC QUESTIONS. 

The success of Trilby and the Prisoner ^of 
Zenda has set actors novel-reading, has in- 
spired novelists to write their novels with a 
view to reproduction on the stage, and is 
likely to turn playwrights into a sort of 
newspaper boys eat erly waiting for novels to 
be given out to them to dramatise. And 
where do the public come in? Is the piblio 
to read the novel first and tbea see the play, 
or vice versa f And isn't it a six to f jur 
chance that those who have read the story 
will not want to see the play 1* Also, in the 
end, will not the practice, should it become 
general, be injurious alike to novelist, drama- 
tist, and actor? and wearisome to the public? 

SAVED I 

The view from Richmond Terrace, owing to the 
rejection of Petersham and Ham Lands and 
Footpaths Sill on March 12.) 
THE view from Richmond Hill is saved, 

Out Petersham and Ham way ; 
Those open fields shall ne'er be paved, 

Nor scored with lines of tramway. 
Her landscape London ill could spare ; 

For chimney-pots to barter 
The famous stretch of prospect fair 

Seen from the Star and Garter 1 
The House of Commons now may use 

Its name with new intention ; 
Our commons all too rare we 'd lose 

But for its intervention. 



University Intelligence. 

EARL OF BF.BKELEY couldn't be excused 
from " pernoctation " on the ground of ill- 
health. That his lordship must "pernoct" or 
give it up, was decided by 79 votes to 63. 

On another subject, "The "Warden of All 
Souls deprecated alarm." Delightfully sooth- 
ing title, " The Warden of All Souls," and 
how gratifying to know that he " deprecated 
alarm." But what a tremendous respon- 
sibility I ! 

SUGGESTED NAME FOB A NEW DINING 
ASSOCIATION. The Swallow Club. 

ETON INTELLIGENCE. Sovereign-tipping 
uncles are now known as " quid-nunks." 



H 



GC 




MARCH 28, 1896] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



153 




PROOF POSITIVE. 

Podson (lately returned from abroad). "WELL, I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A CAPITAL SEASON, THRUSTER." 

Thruster. "On, RippiN 1 1 .WHY, I 'VB HAD BOTH COLLAR-BONES BROKEN, LEFT WRIST SPRAINED, AND HAVEN'T GOT A SOUND 

HORSE LEFT IN MY STRING I " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

SOME INDIRECT EFFECTS OF THE BOAT-RACF.. 
THE direct effects of the great contest between the two universities 
are of course well known. It draws the country parsons to London 
in shoals ; it opens the flood-gates of reminiscence in countless 
elderly gentlemen, and induces them to relate marvellous stories of 
prowess and endurance in bygone years ; it covers Putney with dark 
and light blue bunting; it decorates the whips of cabmen, bus- 
drivers, and butcher-boys; it arrays unconscious dogs in the rival 
favours, and ranges them in hostile camps ; and it causes sixteen 
healthy yoiing men to affront the wind and rain of March, in 
clothing which can only be described as just adequate for decency, 
and totally inadequate for anything else. There are other effects, 
those, for instance, which the nps and downs of practice exercise on 
the impressionable minds of the gentlemen of the Stock Exchange, 
and on the variegated and descriptive vocabulary of the assiduous 
journalists who compile reports in the sporting papers. It is only 
during Boat-race time that "the clock tf Putney Church chimes 
high noon," or that a crew's endurance becomes so extraordinary, 
that at the end of twenty-one minutes of hard rowing, "their breath 
would not have flickered a candle." 

BOT the effects that I wish chiefly to refer to are those which are 
caused in the family circles of the members of the crews. It is not 
too much to say that, as the day of the race approaches, some sixteen 
quiet establishments scattered up and down the country become con- 
vulsed with excitement and anxiety. The minds of fathers and 
mothers are torn with conflicting emotions. Pride in the achieve- 
ment of the beloved son struggles with a painful solicitude as to his 
power of enduring the stress and struggle of the race, and the 
Sportsman and Sporting Life are devoured every day by the un- 
accustomed eyes of mothers intent on discovering the weight of their 
darlings and their chances of success on the fateful day. As an 
example, I may describe a terrible scene which took place only the 
other day in (let us say) a Surrey home. 

PAPA, a man used to stratagems and wiles, got into the breakfast- 
room a quarter-of-an-hour before the usual time in order to read the 
account of the previous day's practice in the Sportsman at his 
leisure. He found that excellent paper in the hands of the butler, 
who was reading it out to an eager audience of servants. Papa dis- 



missed them with so-ue asperity, and sat down to the paper. Just as 
he had done so, mamma came in. She is ordinarily a lady of the 
most regular and methodical habits, scarcely ever varying by a 
minute the moment of her morning appearance. On this occasion, 
however, she was at least ten minutes before her usual time. The 
fact was, that she, too, was bent upon the Sportsman, and had come 
down in high hopes of anticipating papa. Seeing, however, that she 
was too late, she made an unimportant remark about the weather, 
and sat down to endure with as much resignation as she could com- 
mand until her lord and master should have exhausted the acquatio 
news. She was too proud to ask him to read it out to her ; besides, 
to have a paper read to you can never give anything like the same 
satisfaction as reading it yourself. So the minutes sped by, the 
breakfast was brought in, and papa still sat reading, while mamma 
waited to step into his shoes. 

A i ATE son (sons are always late at breakfast) as he approached 
the breakfast-room, heard his mother's voice declaiming, in tones of 
unwonted anger, and marvelled as he heard. He entered, and his 
mother saluted him with these memorable words : " ARTHUR," she 
said, " I have been waiting half an hour for the Sportsman, and I 
can't wait any longer. You are young and strong. Take the paper 
away from your selfish father by force, and give it to me. "Why, he 
won't even tell whether HARRY'S weight has gone up or down." Papa's 
silence was perhaps excusable, for mamma had announced her inten- 
tion, if the boy's weight dropped another pound, of fetching him away 
from Putney at once. HARRY'S weight had dropped, but, by a curious 
chance, that part of the Sportsman which recorded it w;u found to 
have been torn out when it arrived at length in mamma's hands. 

A FIRM of tailors has sent me a letter containing one of the longest 
and most unfinished sentences I have ever come across. Here it is : 

"DEAR SIR, "We respectfully beg to say, that haying been further 
recommended by our Patrons, who, finding our System of Business, as most 
fair to the advantage of our Clients, of which the principles are, by not 
making one Customer pay for another, and by not maintaining an enormous 
(and superfluous) show and establishment at the cost of our Patrons, and 
personally supervising and making of every garment, all of which being 
made on the premises, and our prices not being based on the credit system, 
the combined principles of which by strictly adhering to, we have succeeded 
in proving with every satisfaction, that it is quite possible to continue 
supplying the very finest quality of Goods and of most exquisite Cut and 
workmanship as per Price List enclosed." 



154 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 



[MARCH 28, 1896. 




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MARCH 28, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



155 



THE COMING EACE. 

(A Note in Advance from a Prophet 
sure of being on the spot.) 

WHAT new thing can be said of the 
University Boat Race? If the son is 
reported to be shining: brightly, the 
birds singing, the leaves budding 
from the trees, the description will 
be lacking in novelty. On the other 
hand, if a paragraph be given to an 
account of the fog and the rain, the 
mist and the mad, again a precedent 
will have been followed, and nothing 
more. In like manner, what does it 
matter whether the crowd be large 
or small? Nothing could be easier 
than to describe the dresses of the 
ladies in the sunshine, or their um- 
brellas in the wet. 

Once more, the race itself. Well, 
either the Dark or the Light must 
win the toss for stations. And the 
challengers must appear before the 
challenged, floating in the neighbour- 
hood of Putney Bridge. And then, 
whether it be rain or shine, there is 
sure to be a " hush of expectation." 
The Jerseys having been collected, 
the sixteen will be found waiting, 
after the warning "Are you ready?" 
for the signal giving them leave to 
go. Ar.d when the start is made, 
why, the first few strokes will be 
reported with the minutest detail. 
After a minute or two Oxford or Cam- 
bridge will forge ahead. A little 
later a broader view will be taken of 
thft rowing. Only a distinct " spurt " 
will merit and obtain special notice. 
But the number of stroke i to the 
minute will be recorded. Now the 
Dark Blues will be pulling 38, now 
they will have flowed down to 35, 
now they will have strained every 



FANCY PORTRAIT. 




MB. B-RNY B-RN-TO 
(As "Ancient Pistol ") 

"I SPEAK OF AFBIOA, ADD GOLDEN JOYS I " 

Henry the Fourth, Second Part, Act V., Scene 3. 



effort to pass the 40. And the record 
of Cambridge will be equally interest- 
ing. As a matter of course, the steer- 
ing once and again will go wrong. 
But this is not to be unexpected now 
that "the water" is abandoned at 
Westminster. How can a cox know 
his way about if he is taken over the 
course on a steam-launch only a few 
days before the race P It stands to 
reason that he has no chance with those 
to the manner (or rather river) born. 

The familiar landmarks will emerge 
from their obscurity. The Doves 
and the Elms and Hammersmith 
Bridge. Chiswiok Eyot, too, and 
the iron sheds of Thornevcroft, of 
torpedo -catcher fame. Then will 
come Barnes Bridge and the finish. 

And will not there be complaints 
anent the umpire's launch and the 
unsatisfactory progress of either of 
the 'Varsity steamers, or, perchance, 
the boat reserved for the Fourth 
Estate P And then the other conven- 
tionalities -the niggers, the loafers, 
the perambulating purveyors of cheap 
refreshments. All will have a line 
or two. The same old story told 
again, year after year. 

There it is in brief. Rather more 
than the outline, and only one thing 
necessary to make the whole complete 
the name of the winner. Wul it 
be Oxford or Cambridge ? Oxbridge 
or Camford P But this cannot be told 
just at present, owing to the exigen- 
cies of publication. So why write 
more? Echo obligingly, sympathis- 
ingly, and sensibly answers " why ? " 

INFORMATION WANTED. We read 
that the Rus-ian Emperor has " de- 
corated the Negue." Is this the 
same thing as " crowning the flowing 
bowl" ? IGBOBAMUS. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAKT OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Lords, Monday, March 16. Peers not going to sit 
tamely by whilst other House is treated to statement on leading 
question of the hour. ROSEBKBY wiU see to 1hat. When House met 
lo-day he, with tears in his voice, lamented absence of the MABKISS. 
Had not only expected him to be in his place, bat looked for him to 
rise and make statement about Soudaa, at least as full as Commoner 
people in another place were indulged withal. MABKISS name in 
later, with air of guilt not dispelled by affectation of indifference. 
When House about to adjourn he explained that he had said nothing 
because he was asked nothing. Pretty to see him demurely fold 
his hands over his broad bosom, archly look across table towards 
R08EBEBT, make dainty courtesy of mock grace, and hum 
" Nobody axed me, Sir, she said." 

ROSEBEBY, not to be put off with these blandishments. " Thought." 
he sternly said, "the FOBBIGN SEC BETABY would deem your Lord- 
ships not unworthy of a statement similar to that made by the 
Us DEB SECBETABY in the other House." Again MABKISS pleaded 
that he had not been asked. As ROSEBEBY cddlv refrained from 
putting definitive question invited, nothing was said. 

JAMES of Hereford (late of Bury) brought in Water Bill. SABK 
met GBAHD CBOSS after House rose. Always athirst for informa- 
tion, SABK asked what he thought of it. " You're a great autho- 
rity on water, you know," he added, insinuatingly. 
, "H you mean," said GBAND CBOS, looking at him suspiciously, 

that when I was Home Secretary I brought in a London Water 

Ml, you 're right. If my proposal had been adopted, London would 
nave had an investment nearly as good as that my late esteemed 
mend Lord BEACONSFIELD made for the State in the matter of the 
oaez Canal. But there are always people who know better than the 
most highly gifted. As for JAMES'S Bui, I am too annoyed to have 

mowed it closely. You will remember that my memory is kept 
freen in the House of Commons by reason of my having on a memo- 
rable occasion said I ' thought I heard an hon. Member smile.' A 

>oor thing, but mine own. It has remained unapproached all these 



years. And now here 'B a paltrv Poet Laureate attempting to compete 
with my masterpiece ; " and GBAND CBOSS read out, in voice tremb- 
ling with scorn, the Poet Laureate's deathless verse suggested for 
monument of the Postman Poet : 

" lark-like poet ! Carol on, 

Lost in dim light, an unseen trill." 

"'An unseen trill,' forsooth I" cried GBAND CBOSS. "This 
ALFBED-AWTLG is just the kind of fellow to talk of an unheard 
smile, and pass the idea off as original. But I 'd have him know I 
heard a man smile years before he didn't see a trill." 

Business done. Statement in Commons presaging fresh invasion 
of Soudan. House thereupon appropriately proceeded to consider 
Army Estimates, voting a trifle under six millions before you could 
say Dongola! " 

^ Tuesday^. HICKS-BEACH not kind of man to give himself up to 
riotous enjoyment. Temperature rather freezing than sultry. But 
to-night had high old time. Never imagined that bi-metallism 
covered possibilities of such human joy. Man from WHITELEY'S 
brought on resolution affirming principle of bi-metallism. As every- 
one knows, PRINCE ABTHTTB has no philosophic doubts on this 
question. Believes thoroughly in bi-metallism. So does CHAPLIN. 

" Pass a law establishing bi-metallism," savs that eminent econo- 
mist, "and you will have what I may call bi-f arming that is to 
say, two blades of corn will grow in every field where hitherto 
only one has popped up an undersold head." 

In such circumstances bi-metallists might well look hopeful. 
Even if CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUEB did not (if the phrase may in 
this connection be used without disrespect) go bald-headed in support 
of principle, he at least must treat subject with deference. 

HICKS-BEACH began in soothing tone with kindly manner. That 
only his artfulness. As eoon as he had cleared the ground and 
firmly planted his feet thereon, he seized bi-melallism by the throat, 
flung it to the ground, kicked and pummelled it till every three- 
penny-bit in its pouch must have been twisted up. For adh rents 
of the trae faith this was bad enough. What lent path is to the 
ncene was to watch PBINCE ABTHUB and HABHY CHAPLIN seated on 
Treasury Bench whence HICKS-BEACH had risen to promulgate rank 
heresy. The very helplessness of their situation added to its misery. 



156 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI. 



[MARCH 2*, 1896. 



PBESIDENT OF BOABD OP AGBicuLTUBE rides many more stone than 
CHANCELLOB OF EXCHEQUER. Had he thrown hioiself upon him 
from behind, PBINCE AETHUR might have taken him by the heels. 
Together they could have carried him out, dropped him over the 
terrace into the silver Themis. But that procedure would have been 
open to misunderstanding. There was nothing to do but to sit there 
silent, PBINCE ABTHUB drooping like an unwatered lily, CHAPLIN 
furiously writing letters to himself making mincemeat of HICKS- 
BFACH and his arguments. 

"Worst of all, bitterest drop in the brimming cup, was to see 
SQUIBE OF MALWOOD on bsrch opposite, literally brimming over with 
delight at beholding bi-metallism fatally wounded in the house of a 
friend. 

Business done. Bi-metallism' s at least for the rest of the century. 

Thursday, Dow JOSE AFBICANUS not in his place just now when 
son AUSTEN made his maiden Ministerial speech. That a pity, since it 
was a success in more ways than one. In addition to the paternal 
eye-glass, AUSTEN inherits the pleasant voice, the lucidity, and the 
keenness to see a debating point, which distinguish the personage he 
occasionally refers to as " my right hon. relative." Pleasant to see 
the friendly interest taken in the event " We all like AUSTEN," not 
less in the Liberal camp than in the new country into which he has 
dutifully followed his father. An encouraging cheer greeted his 
appearance at the table to reply for the Admiralty to miscellaneous 
criticim on Na*al Works BiP. StiU louder applause approved the 

task when completed. A 
high position for so young 
a Member. Not only is it 
filled with ability, but the 
honour is borne with mo- 
desty. House of Commons, 
most fastidious audience in 
the world, likes to think 
that " AUSTEN will do." 

In absence of DON JOSE, 
HELDEB, if Whitehaven, 
unconsciously, uninten- 
tionally, but effectively 
filled the place of fond, 
appreciative father. No 
relative of AUSTEN'S, right 
honourable or otherwise. 
Nothing to do with him, 
the Admiralty, or the Na- 
val Works Bill. Sat as 
remote as possible from 
Treasury Bench ; far below 
Gangway; almost nnder 
shadow of gallery. But 
being there, his plump 
hands folded over portly 
paunch, his face beaming with sublimation of domes ic content, one 
couldn't help, somehow, associating him with the youth at the table, 
launched on a Ministerial career, or fail to it-cognise in his attitude 
and expression a sort of vicarious fatherhood to all that is deserving. 
SABK tells me that in the early days of Mr. GULLY'S Speakership, 
a time not free from anxiety, his greatest comfort, his most effective 
encouragement, came from this good man. In private life, be is 
head of firm of solicitors, with assuringly sonorous title. When Mr. 
GULLY, not dreaming of the Speaker's Chair, vent circuit, Messrs. 
BEOCKBABK, HELDEB & Co. sent him briefs. When he came to the 
Chair, and seemed to need a little encouragement, it was the practice 
of the senior member of BRCCKBANKS, casually as it were, to stroll 
down the Hou-e, his white waistcoat gleaming with benevolence. As 
he passed the Speaker's Chair, he nodded in confidential way to his 
old client, as who should Bay, "Cheer up, old man. The Court's 
with you. If it fails, there ' s BHOCKBANK, HBLDEB&CO. behind." 
In moments of exceptional difficulty, he even winked as he strolled 
pat the Chair. 

Not having theie early professional relations with the CIVIL LOBII 
OF THE ADMIRALTY, he does not go that length. But as he sits 
there, looking straight before him with kindly, fatherly smile, the 
subtle influence of his presence suffuses the neighbourhood, and, 
stealing across the Gangway, gently, but effectively, sustains the 
unconscious debutant. Business done. Quite a lot. 

Friday. Ministers supported to-night by rattling majority in 
resolve to dare again the dangers of the sid Sjudan. DON JOSE'S 
pppech settled the matter. MOBLEY, SQUIBE OF MALWOOD, DILKE 
and others picture prospect in lurid colours. They recall experience 
of last expedition ; count up its cost ; show the utter emptiness of 
its gain. House uneasy ; COUBTNEY speaks and votes against his 
political friends ; talk of further revolt in Ministerial camp. Then 
DON JOSE steps to front, and puts the whole matter right. Pooh- 
poohs apprehension. No danger, and if any money-cost, Egypt 
will bear it. All that is intended is, Egyptian troops will go for- 




A Perfect Adonis. 



ward from Wady Haifa as far as Akasheh, a railway following them 
to make things comfortable. If they find no Dervishes about, may 
even steal on to Dongola. If Dervishes in dangerous force, will 
come lack by first train. 




Cook's Agent in Egypt. " How ar will you go, Gentlemen ? " 
Joey. " Oh, as far as ever we can go for the money until it gets too hot 
for us ! " 

At this picture of glorious war House gave sigh of relief; 
crowded into division lobby, pouring through at other end in mad 
race for earlv morning cabs. Business done. New Soudan war 
approved by 288 votes against 145 



"DBAWING" PICTURES. 

AI'AKT from the excellent " second edition" of the grand ballet, 
Faust, from the Sen AFFEBS, from La Dan.se, and from the songs of the 
liquante Mile. JUNIOBI, the " Cinematographe pictures" are suffi- 
cient of themselves to attract all London to the entertainment now 
being given to exceptionally crowded houses at the Empire. The 
lifelike representation of such scenes as the arrival of the train, " the 
plungers," the gardener with the hose, and Monsieur, Madame et 
Bebe at breakfast, is simply marvellous. The final one of Monsieur 
TEX WET himself doing the serpentine trick with a piece of white 
riband, though perhaps the most difficult of all to reproduce, appears 
to be simplicity itself in comparison with the " arrival of the train " 
and " the bathing scene." Is it not within the range of practica- 
bility to reproduce effects in the House of Commons, or " Mr. G." 
being received at a railway station P Only the exact portraiture of the 
lineaments of well-known public characters is required to add fresh 
interest, from time to time, to one of the most remarkable exhibitions 
that ever delighted the public. Theatrical managers might possibly 
be averse to scenes from their plays being thus represented ; and 
yet, if considered as advertisement, they might not, for a con- 
sideration, object. In time, when the invention is perfected, the 
living and moving pictures will, no doubt, be presented on a still 
larger scale, features will be more distinct, and the quivering effect 
will entirely disappear. That is in the not very distant future ; but 
at present these " TBEWEY-To-Nature Pictures" are, and will long 
continue to be, a principal Attraction at the Empire. But cannot 
somebody iuvtnt a short word -a kind of telegraphic f quivalent for 
"Cinematographe"? A rautical series might have been called 
" Tiewey Bluey." Why not the " Cite " or " Oinny pictures " ? 



New Lamps for Old. 

" THIS smells too strongly of the lamp ! " 
Men said when, by the midnight moon, 

Wit toiled in Grub Street garrets damp. 

Now when fine ladies fiction vamp, 

And problem-playwrights slop and scamp, 
It smells too strongly of lampoon I 



A SLOW THOBOUGHFABE BELYING ITS NAME IN A MATTES OF 
WIDENING. Fleet Street. 



APRIL 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



157 




UNANSWERABLE. 



Young Hopeful. " 'SHAMEFULLY IGNOBANT'? OF COUBSE I'M 
IGNOBANT, FATHEB. BUT THEN, WHY DID YOU SEND ME TO A 
PUBLIC SCHOOL? I ALWAYS LOOK UPON A FELLOW WHO'S LEABNT 

ANYTHING AT A POBLIO SCHOOL AS A SBLF-XDUCATXD HAN!" 



SOMETHING LIKE A BANK HOLIDAY. 

(Fragment from the Prophetic Accouiit of a Pessimist Reporter.) 

" WHAT is the matter with you, my man ? " 

The volunteer was too tired to speak. He fell asleep from sheer 
exhaustion. He had been on his feet for about sixteen hours. He 
had marched through mud and ploughed land, and over stony roads, 
and was thoroughly done up. So the doctor turned to the second 
patient, who had been carried into his consulting- room. 

" You look weary, my good woman ? " 

"So would you be." was the angry reply, "if you had passed 
through allj have. Up at five in the morning, then shake, shake, 
shake for six hours at a stretch in the railway. Then an hour's 
dawdle in a place we did not know ; and then shake, shake, shake 
for another long spell home again." 

" You went by the excursion ? " 

" Can't you see we did ? But don't stand dawdling there, but do 
your best to save the lives of the children." 

The doctor passed a number more in the same plight, and then 
came to a person of greater intelligence than the rest. 

" And you, too. want my assistance ?" 

""Well, yes. You see, I believed that if I could get a perfect 
change from my hard work in the office for one whole day I should 
be set up until midsummer. Bat I am afraid, like everyone else, I 
have overdone it." 

"Extremes meet in the doctor's consulting-room," observed the 
medical man, drily. "If you overdo everything soldiering, tour- 
ing, walking "what can you expect ? Nature is nature, ard objects 
to tricks. But you may as well tell me the cause of all this." 

Then said ihe strongest of the sufferers, "Please, we have been 
erjoying the Bank holiday." 

" Thought as much," muttered the medico. " St. Lubbock may be 
the patron of the great middle class, but he is equally the benefactor 
of the disciples of Esculapius I " 

ANNOYIKG PBOBLEM FOB FBANCE AND RUSSIA. The caisse of Egypt. 

VOL. 01. ] 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

THE JOYS OF A BOAT-BAOE. 

IN the Badminton Magazine for this present month of April 
note specially an article, by Mr. C. M. PITMAN, bearing the abov 
title. It is a spirited and graphic piece of writing, and I heartilj 
congratulate this gallant young oarsman on his first contribution t 
monthly literature. Great Heaven I how the months slip away an< 
leave no sign. It seems but yesterday that Mr. PITMAN was stroking 
the Oxford eight as a freshman recently imported from Eton. HOT 
brilliantly he took them along, with how cool a head and with wha 
excellent judgment did he stall off the spurts in the rival crew unti 
he finally brought his merry men safely past the " Ship " at Mort- 
lake, winners by nearly three lengths. All that seems to me 
pondering these matters, to have happened but yesterday ; yet fou 
years have sped upon their way, and three times more since then di< 
Mr. PITMAN row in a victorious crew. Now he, too, has gone down 
(as they say both at Oxford and at Cambridge) ; the quads of hi 
college know him no more, and probably, since oarsmen tend to tho 
law, he is acquiring an intimate knowledge of procedure, of state- 
ments of claim and of defence, of interrogatories, and of the rule in 
Shelley's Case, in musty chambers either of the Temple or o: 
Lincoln's Inn. In the dim future I behold him, a grave anc 
reverend Judge of the Supreme Court, presiding with reminiscen 
dignity and increased weight at a boat-race dinner. 

MR. PITMAN describes no particular race. He gives an account o: 
the symptoms that afflict the mind of an oarsman engaged in a race 
Vivid to an almost painful degree is his description of the nervous anc 
disjointed conversation of a crew at their last meal before the race, 
of the aimless questions, the irrelevant answers, and the genera 
assumption of an airy unconcern (it deceives nobody) that mark every 
member of the crew. This is the state of mind known to Univer- 
sity athletes as " needle." Those who have been through a similar 
experience will be the first to testify to the accuracy of the picture. 

IT is at such a time that men decide that there is no pleasure in 
rowing, and that no power on earth shall ever induce them to take a 
seat in a boat again. Everything seems to have gone wrong ; the 
world seems to be in a conspiracy against them. What does the 
crowd mean by smiling and talking and chaffing ? How dare men 
and women gather with casual carelessness to witness the terrible 
struggle that is about to take place a struggle so important to those 
who take part in it that they cannot tear their thoughts away from 
it for a single moment ? These are some of the questions that chase 
one another through an oarsman's mind. And there are others. 
Will he be able to last out the whole course ? Is it not possible that 
he may collapse utterly when half way over the course, and offer a 
shocking spectacle to the assembled thousands? What if he should 
catch a crab, or if his oar should break, or if the coxswain should 
steer them crashing into a pleasure-boat, or if some one should put 
his foot through the frail skin of the racing boat, and cause her to 
sink ? And so in a sort of dream he dons his shorts, his zephyr and 
bis shoes, helps to carry the boat down to the water, and mechani- 
cally takes his accustomed place. Almost before he realises what 
lias happened, the crew are at the stake-boat, the umpire has fired 
ais pistol, and the race has started. 

No needle afflicts him now: dismal thoughts and nervousness 
aave vanished as if by the touch of a magician's wand, and all his 
powers, bcdily and mental, are concentrated on his work. Last ? 
Why, he feels he could last till the crack of doom. How it inspires 
a man to have the other crew alongside, to know they are worthy 
opponents, but yet mortal, men not to be daunted by a single spurt, 
>r broken up by one or two rolls, but liable notwithstanding to lose 
;heir winds and to fall behind. How the boat springs to each stroke: 
Tupiter ! what a fearful roll that was ; how thin and distant sound 
;he eldritch shrieks of the coxswain ; No. 5 in the other crew has got 
lis slide stuck splendid ! how curious that pale man on a moored 
iteamer looked in a green tie. Oh, oh, stroke is quickening yes, 
.he crew pick it up with him glorious I but I can follow the race 
no farther, for as I write a needle pierces me, and I feel as nervous 
as though I saw the whole stress and struggle raging before my eyes. 

AND the memories of delightful friendships, of toil endured to- 
gether, of victories gloriously celebrated, of defeats manfully endured, 
of the little troubles that diversified the monotony of training, the 
nicknames of each member of the crew, their little foibles, their 
turdy, honest disbelief in their rivals, their gallant and unquench- 
able belief in themselves all these are to the man who has rowed in 

race a possession for ever. Of this no length of years can rob him ; 
md as he meets his old companions, and fights his old races over again, 
le will declare to himself that if he had his life to live once more he 
would be a rowing man rather than anything else. That is the con- 
lusion to which Mr. PITMAN'S article has brought me. Those *ho 
wish to know what it means to race should read it for themselves. 



158 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 4, 1896. 




HERCULES AND THE HYDRANT. 



'APRIL 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



159 



$roimt." 



JMr. THOMAS HUGHES, Q.C., author of the 
inimitable Tom Brown's Schooldays, died on 
8unday,'_March 22, 1896.] 

AIR" John Srown." 
MAN'S delight and boyhood's friend, 
Is your life-course at an end ? 
Troops of boys join Mr. Punch in deep 

regret, "TOM BROWN." 
With more or less of truth, 
Age has written abaut youth. 
But no man has measured boyhood better 

jet, "Ton BROWN." 
We remember well the joy 
We derived from that " Old Boy," 
Large of heart, and full of simple honest 

pluck, " TOM BROWN," 
Whose tale of fun and fist, 
Had a charm none could resist ; 
Who in boyhood to peruse it had 1he 
luck, " TOM BROWN." 

Asa stud eat of boys' ways, 
And of glad scholastic days, 
Ton finished easy first, whoe'er came 

next, "TOM BROWN." 
All was honour, courage, health, 
In your youthful Commonwealth, 
By shirk, and sneak, and sucker all un- 

yest, "ToM BROWN." 
'Tia a picture waking pride, 
That of school-life's sunny side, 
And all England loves your typio English 

lad, " TOM BROWN," 
And for many and many a year, 
To " Our Boys " you will be dear, 
Whilst grown men will read your story, 
and feel glad, " TOM BROWN " I 



A ROMANCE OF THE RIVER. 

Edwin. "What colours shall you wear at 
the boat-race, Miss Angelina ? " 

Angelina (uncertain at to Edwin's Univer- 
sity}. ' 'Need you ask ? True blue, of course ! " 

Edwin (who received his education at 
Durham University, enthusiastically clasp- 
ing Angelina in his arms). "Darling I I 
felt certain that you would heap coals of fire 
on my head for asking such a question." 

[But, as a matter of fact, he heaped the 
coals on hers when the time came for set- 
tlements, being a large pit proprietor. 



The Bare Idea. 

Ma. GLEDSTONE, of Streatham, says England 

won't beat 
The Scotch till, at football, they play with 

bare feet ! 
Fancy champion cups won, not strength, 

pluck and skill by, 

Bat by every footballer becoming a "Trilby" I 
Ah I poor Mrs. GKUNDV! The notion must 

shock her. 
(N.B. A new name for this game: "The 

wo- Backer" I ) 

NOTE ON NOTES. At the Opera Comique. 
Some charming music in Professor VILLIEBS 
STANFORD'S opera, libretto by Mr. <J. H. 
JESSOP. Specially note " When I was 
Young," capitally sung and acted by Mr. 
JOSEPH O'MARA, and the duet which he has 
with Mr. STEPHENS as a "heavy" of the 
Biitish Army. 

NOMEN FELIX. Why any objection to the 
appointment of Dr. RICHARD BRATN as Medi- 
cal Superintendent of Broadmoor Criminal 
Lunatic Asylum? BRATN, if powerful and 
acting rightly, is exactly what is wanting at 
such a place. 




First Genius to Second Genius. " WHY ON EARTH DO YOU DO YOUR HAIR IN THAT 
ABSURD FASHION, SMITH t" 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE GOLFING NOVICE TO THE FAIR EXPERT. 

I HAVE done, as you wished, dearest heart, 

And have driven a ball from the " tee." 
How I " sliced " and I " pulled " at the start ! 

Aid my " topping " was awful to see ! 
Then the " globe" I repeatedly missed, 

And I "foozled" my " iron's approach." 
While the way I mismanaged rny wrist 

Brought the tears to the eyes of my "coach." 

When I brought (ff a "putt" how they 
c v .affid! 

And called it a " gobble " or " steal." 
And how they unfeelingly laughed 

When I had with a " stymie " to deal I 
True, a club is a creature of grace, 

But a bt range anatomical whole, 
For combined with its " head," " neck," and 
"face," ["sole"! 

Are its "heel," and its "toe," and its 



my 



Many " rubs of the green" were my lot 

(Thus I wounded a goose and a boy), 
And o'er "bankers" and "hazards" 
shot 

Was, alas ! not a thing full of joy I 
Th'n '*bad lies " often hindered the " run, ' 

And the " niblick " was called in request. 
But e'en science is balanced by fun, 

So I went on with ignorant zest I 

What a " divot " I out from the grass 

When I made an attempt with a " spoon " I 
Oh, I felt such a thorough-paced ass 

As it rose like a verdant balloon I 
Yet I got round the links, love, at last 

I won't trouble you now with the ecore 
But to golfing I mean to hold fast, 

And in " singles ' we '11 often cry " Fore! " 



CAUSE WITHOUT EFFECT. An action re- 
sulting in a farthing's damages. 



160 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 4, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(BY BABOO HUBBY BUNGSHO JABBERJBE, B.A.) 

No. VIII. 

How Mr. Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies 1 Delating Club. 

Miss SPINE: (whom I have mentioned supra as a feminine inmate of 
Porticobello House) is in additum a member of a Debating Female 
Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne 
Grove parlours, for argumentative intercourse. 

So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of 
these conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded 
the opportunity of parading the gab with which I 
have been gifted in an extemporised allocution. 

On the appointed evening I directed my steps, 
under the guidance of the said Miss SPINE, to a 
certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein 
were an assortment of female women conversing 
with vivacious garrulity, in a delicious atmosphere 
of tea, coffee, and buttered bread. 

After having partaken freely of these comesti- 
bles, we made the adjournment to a luxuriously 
upholstered parlour, circled with plush-seated 
chairs and adorned with countless mirrors, and 
there we began to beg the question at issue, to- 
whit, " To what extent has Ibsen (if any) contri- 
butedtowards the Causeof Female Emancipation ? " 
which was opened by a weedy, tall male gentleman, 
with a lofty and a shining forehead, and round, 
owlish spectacle-glasses. He read a very volumi- 
nous paper, from which I learnt that IBSEN was 
the writer of innumerable new-fangled dramas of 
very problematical intentions, exposing the hollow 
conventionalisms of all established social usages, 
especially in the matrimonial department. 

When he had ceased there was a universal and 
unanimous silence, due to uncontrollable female 
bashf ulness, for the duration of several minutes, 
until the chairwoman exhorted someone to have 
the courage of her opinions. And the ice being 
once fractured, one Amurath succeeded another in 
disjointed commentaries, plucking crows in the 
teeth of the assertions of the Hon'ble Opener and 
of their precursors, and resumed their seats with 
abrupt precipitancy, stating that they had no 
further remarks to make. 

Then ensued another interim of golden " Silence 
and slow Time," as Poet KEATS says, which was 
as if to become Sempiternity, had not I, rushing in 
where the angels were in fear of slipping up, 
caught the Speaker in the eye, and tipped the 
wink of my cacoethes loquendi. 

To prevent disappointment, I shall report my 
harangue with verbose accuracy. 

Myself (assuming a perpendicular attitude, in- 
serting one hand among my vest buttons, and 
waving the other with a graceful affability). 
" HON'BLE Miss CHAIRWOMAN, MADAMS, MISSES, 
AND HON'BLE MISTER OPENER, the humble indi- 
vidual now palpitating on his limbs before you is 
a denizen from a land whose benighted, ignorant 
inhabitants are accustomed to treat the females of 
their species as small fry and fiddle f addle. Yes, 
Madams and Misses, in India the woman is for- 




bidden to eat except in the severest solitude, and after her lord and 
master has surfeited his pangs of hunger; she may not make the 
briefest outdoor excursion without permission, and then solely in a 
covered palkee, or the hermetically sealed interior of a blinded 
carriage. (Cries of ' Shame.') In the Zenana, she is restricted to 
the occupation of puerile gossipings, or listening to apocryphal fairy 
tales of so scandalising an impropriety that I shrink to pollute my 
ears by the repetition even of the tit-bits. (Subdued groans.) 

"Such being the case, you can imagine the astonishment and 
gratification I have experienced here this evening at the intelligence 
and forwardness manifested by so many effeminate intellects. (A 
flattered rustle and prolonged simpering.) 

" The late respectable Dr. BEN JOHNSON, gifted author of Bos- 
well's Biography (applause), once rather humorously remarked, 
on witnessing a nautch performed by canine quadrupeds, that 
although their choreographies! abilities were of but a mediocre 
nature the wonderment was that they should be capable at all to 
execute such a hind-legged feat and tour deforce. 

" Similarly, it is to me a gaping marvel that womanish tongues 
should hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the 
radius of their comprehensions. 



"A weedy, tall male gentleman." 



" The subject for our discursiveness to-night is, " To what extent 
has Ibsen contributed to the Cause (if any) of Female Emancipa- 
tion ? " and being a total ignoramus up to date of the sheer existence 
of said hon'ble gentleman, I shall abstain from scratching my head 
over so Sphinxian a conundrum, and confine myself to knuckling to 
the obiter diction of sundry lady speakers. 

"There was a stout full-blown matron, with grey curl-shavings 
and a bonnet and plumage, who declaimed her opinionated convic- 
tion that it was degrading and infra dig. for any woman to be 
treated as a doll. (Hear, hear.) Well, I would hatch the question- 
able egg of a doubt whether any rationalistic masculine could regard 
the speaker herself in a dollish aspect, and will assure her that in 
my fatherland every cultivated native gentleman would approach 
her with the cold shoulder of apprehensive respect- 
fulness. (The bonneted matron becomes ruddier 
than the cherry with complacency, and fans her- 
self vigorously.} 

" Next I shall deal with the tall, meagre female 
near the fire- hearth, in abbreviated hair and a 
nose-pinch, who set up the claim that her sex were 
in all essentials the equals, if not the superiors, of 
man. Now, without any gairish of words, I will 
oroceed baldly to enumerate; various important 

physical differentiations which (Intervention 

by Hon'ble Chairwoman, reminding me that these 
were not in disputation.) I bow to correction, aud 
kiss the rod by summing up the gist of my argu- 
ment, viz., that it is nonsensical idiotcy to suppose 
that a woman can be the equivalent of a man 
either in intellectual gripe, in bodily robustious - 
ness, or in physical courage. Of the last, I shall 
afford an unanswerable proof from my own person. 
It is notorious, urbi et orbi, that every feminine 
person will flee in panioetrickea dismay from the 
approach of the smallest mouse. 

" I am a Bengali, and, as such, profusely en- 
dowed with the fugacious instinct, and yet, shall 
I quake in appalling consternation if a mouse is to 
invade my vicinity ? 

"Certainly I ehall not; and why? Because, 
though not racially a temerarious, I nevertheless 
appertain to the masculine sex, and consequen- 
tially my heart is not capable of contracting at the 
mere aspect of a rodent. This is not to blow the 
triumphant trumpet of sexual superiority, but to 
prove a simple undenied fact by dint of an a fortiori. 
" Having pulverised my pinched-nose prede- 
cessor, I pass on to a speaker of a very very oppo- 
site personality the well-proportioned, beautious 
maiden with azure starry eyes, gilded hair, and 
teeth like the seeds of a pomegranate (oh, si sic 
omnes !), who vaunted, in the musical accents of a 
cuckoo, her right to work out her own life, inde- 
pendently of masculine companionship or assist- 
ance, and declared that the saccharine element of 
courtship and connubiality was but the exploded 
mask of man's tyrannical selfishness. 

"Had such shocking sentiments been aired by 
some of the other lady orators in this room, I must 
facetiously have recalled them to a certain fabular 
fox which criticised the unattainable grapes as too 
immature to merit mastication ; but the particular 
speaker cannot justly be said to be on all fours 
with such an animal. Understand, please, I am no 
prejudiced, narrow-minded chap. I would freely 



and generously permit plainf aced, antiquated, unmarriageable madams 
and misses to undertake the manufacture of their own careers ad nau- 
seam ; but when I behold a maiden of such excessive pulchritude 
(Second intervention by Hon'ble Chairwoman, desiring me to abstain 
from per tonal references.} I assure the Hon'ble Miss CHAIRWOMAN 
that I was not alluding to herself, but since she has spoken in my 
wheel with such severity, I will conclude with my peroration on the 
subject for debate, namely, the theatrical dramas of Hon'ble IBSEN. 
When, Madams and Misses, I make the odious comparison of these 
works, with which I am completely unacquainted, to the productions 
of Poet SHAKSPEARE, where I may boast the familiarity that is a 
breeder of contempt, I find that, in Hamlet's own words, it is the 
' Criterion of a Satire,' and I shall assert the unalterable a priori of 
my belief that the melodious Swan of Stony Stratford, whether 
judged by his longitude, his versical blanknese, or the profoundly of 
his attainments in Chronology, Theology, Phrenology, Palmistry, 
Metallurgy, Zoography, Nosology, Chiropody, or the Musical Glasses, 
has outnumbered every subsequent contemporary and succumbed 
them all I" 

With this, I sat down, leaving my audience as sotto voce as fishes 
with admiration and amazement at the facundity of my eloquence, 



APRIL 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



161 



and should indubitably have been the recipient of innumerable 
felicitations but for the fact that Miss SPINK, suddenly experiencing 
sensations of insalubriousness, requested me, without delay, to con- 
duct her from the assemblage. 

I would willingly make a repetition of my visit and rhetorical 
triumphs, only Miss SPINK informs me that she has recently termi- 
nated ner membership with the above society. 




ALL BOUND HER HAT. 

(Very New Version of an old " Vitechapel " Ballad, discovered i/n the 
Pit of an East-End Theatre.) KIR "All round my Hat" 

Chorus : 

ALL round her hat she wears all Coven tGarding, 
All round her hat, wich it is a precious way, 
If anyone should axe her the reason why she 

wears it, 

She'd tell him well a eomethink as J'd 
ray ther not say. 

'Twas going to my place in the pit that I did 

meet her, 
Oh ! I thought she was a monster Jo-loon 

dropped down from the eky. 
And I never see a tile more neater nor oompleter, 
As had primroses and poppies piled wot costers call " np-'igh." 

Oh, the donah she was tall, and her hat was of that kind, too, 

And cruel was the way it did hintercept my eye 
From a twigging of the play, as in course I was inclined to, 

Bat I couldn't dodge that market-cart of hat, not any wy. 

For three mortal hours I dodged, and squirmed, and started, 
For three long mortal hours, as in course I had to stay. 

Bid luck to the chap, most merlicious and black-hearted, 
As invented lydies' hats like a blessed stack of hay. 

There is some young women as is so precious bumptious, 
They want four times as much free room as that for wot they pay. 

I sez " Can't see a bit o' that play, as I am told is scrumptious, 
Alorg o' that confounded hat a-bobbin' in my way." 

Oh, she guv me such a rattlesnake look out of her eyes, I started ! 

She BCZ, sez she, " I ain't no statue, and hats is wore this way 1 " 
I was awful sorry ft at my two bob for a seat in that pit I 'd parted ; 

And while these haystack-hats is wore, not another half-dollar 

I'll pay 1 
jfc .. . Chorus : 

All round my hat I wears a green willow, 

All round my hat, in a weeping sort o' way, 
And if anyone should axe me the reason wy I wears it, 

'Tis oos o' that Tower o' Babel Hat as bilked me of that play I 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

(For Ladies only.) 

DEABEST ETHELDTDA, Since my escapade at the Eldorado 
Theatre of Varieties I have lived the existence of a nun. Quite 
otherwise has been the conduct of Papa. Every night does he sally 
forth to his club, and returns like a genuine Member of Parlia- 
ment in the email, wee hours. " Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse 
vouvait," I overheard him exclaim yesterday morning, as he hurled 
his very tight, varnished boots at the wall opposite to his bedroom 
door. I know nothing of the capabilities ofjeunetse, but I am well 
aware that vieillesse knocked about half a yard of paper off the 
opposition to his strength. 

These reflections on my sire are chiefly caused by his extraordinary 
behaviour on the anniversary of St. Patrick's day. Long as I have 
known my parent, and he is a man to be remembered, I have never 
seen him so pertinaciously pregnant with perverseness. He came 
down to breakfast decorated with an enormous bunch of herbs, which 
I at first imagined to be parsley sans monocle fe suis aveugle-^thea. 
clover, and finally discovered was a root of shamrock. " This is a 
great day indeed, me darlint," he exclaimed, as he tossed off his 
cafe au lait (this self -combined mixture is the invention of an 
ingenious foreigner, whose advertisement you will find on the sixth 
page of the Tea- Topers Gazette). 

Still preserving that romantic brogue, which is concomitant, and 
necessary to the production of such plays as Arrah-na-pogue, The 
Colleen Eaton, and, in these latter days, to a musical stew called 
Shamus O'Brien, he invited me to accompany him to an aristo- 
cratic assembly at Londonderry House, "where, bedad, my girl, 
you '11 find the foinest gurls in all London doin' their mighty oest 
for the distrestful country." It is, perhaps, needless to say, mamie, 
that I overlooked his disfiguration of speech, and made ready to go 



with him to the noble mansion in question. The mite en scene 
was as perfect as the union of hearts. A duchess made no more 
scruple of exhibiting her homespuns than did a Nationalist lady of 
urging the unrivalled quality of her linen. " Begorra ! " cried my dad, 
still in his shamrock disguise, " this a great day for Odd Oirelandl " 

For my part. I was busily employed ^with ready pencil noting the 
exquisite coiffures which so constantly prevented my view of the 
stalls. Picture, ETHELHTDA, a broad hat of black velvet relieved by 
cerise plumes, which would effectually block the view of any stage in 
Christendom ; imagine a sweet retiring chapeau de paille drooping as 
the weeping willow, from which depended garlands of roses, nastur- 
tiums, jonquils, and azaleas, treasure and keep in mind the freshness 
of a toque formed of hare's ears, with the *' brush " of a fox en 
evidence, and the chic of a combination of sarsapatilla leaves and 
strawberries. And the dresses? Darling, they were there, but 
unseen. The cold, drizzling weather had laid its stern hand on the 
extraordinary display, which might reasonably have been expected. 
But la belle dame sans merci (how I love KEATS I) had requisitioned 
every animal from the beaver to the mole, from the bear to the Arctic 
fox, which fur will, _ of _ course, become very reasonable when Dr. 
NANSEN returns to civilization. I was really quite overcome by the 
spectacle. Papa was so overjoyed with the reception with which 
he met that he disappeared, and did not come home till Wednesday 
afternoon, when I found a pair of skates, marked "National 
Skating Palace," in his overcoat pccket. He says that he subse- 
quently attended a meeting of the Eoyal Geographical Society. 

Try this "pick-me-up." Rub an ounce of ground ginger on 
three pounded capsicums, add half-an-ounce of Cayenne pepper, 
season with pure Cognac (I have the address of the best providers), 
and qualify with a gill of peppermint. Papa declares that he has 
never been the same man since he consumed this potion, and his 
experience is vast. Ever, dear, Your loving cousin, KAD.J . 



THE HYDE PARK THEATRE. 

(Advance Sheets of an Article ripe for use in 1898.) 

IT was scarcely to be supposed that after Mr. RICHABDS, M.P., 
had received for an answer to his question in March, 1896, anent the 
legality of dramatic sketches in Hyde Park on the first day of the 
week, a reply in the affirmative, that matters would be allowed to 
remain in statu quo. As all the world knows, the movement once 
recognised as lawful became the rage, and extended from the peram- 
bulating player of the streets to the regular actor of the recognised 
West- end house. This being so, one of our interviewers thought it 
his duty to call upon a representative of the theatres to ascertain the 
views of the profession upon a matter of so much importance. 

" Personally, I have no objection to al fresco performances," said 
the Representative ; " although I believe that finer effects may be 
obtained in the play-house than in the Park." 

" Will you kindly make your meaning plainer." 

" Well, you see light and shade can be more distinctly marked in 
an enclosure than in the open air. The actor under cover has the 
benefit of the electric light, which can be turned on or off ; in the 
open he must rely solely on the son in the day and on the moon by 
night." 

" But in a realistic drama, would not a shower of natural rain be 
of considerable advantage? " 

" Certainly, if it could be timed so as to fall at the proper cue ; 
but in our changeable climate such an arrangement is difficult of 
accomplishment." 

" And what sort of an entertainment should be provided for the 
Park promenaders ?" 

" It depends upon the hour. When 
the taverns are closed light comedy 
and burlesques would probably be 
the most popular fare. When 6 P.M. 
was reached, and BUNG resumed his 
business, then tragedy might be 
attempted.' 

" Then you consider tragedy thirst- 
producing ? " 

" I believe that is a fact resting 
upon reliable statistics," returned 
the Representative. 

"One more question," said the In- 
terviewer. "How do you think the 
Park can be supplied from " 

"From our own boards?" put in 
the Representative. " Why, that is 
easy enough you see the theatres 
are closed on Sunday." And this 
reply made our Interviewer believe 
that there was something wrong 
somewhere in the arrangements of 
the LOKD CHAMBEBLAIN. THE EGYPTIAN QUESTION. 




162 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 4, 1896. 




Proud Father. " YES, HK 's GOT HIS MOTHER'S EYES AND HIS MOTHER'S MOUTH ; BUT I 'M AFRAID HE 's TAKEN MY WOBST FEATURE 1 
Grandmamma (on the Mother's side). " Yis ; AND UNFORTUNATELY HE 's PUT IT RIGHT iff TBS MIDDLE OF HIS FACE ! " 



EXTRACT FROM A SPINSTERS DIARY. 

Sunday, March 29, 1896. I have been in great anxiety all day, 
but I have caught the train. I was afraid of being just too late, but 
lam safe in my first-class carriage bound for the north. The guard 
has promised that I shall be undisturbed until my arrival. He 
seemed surprised that I had no luggage, and I dare say fancied that 
ray journey was more or less connected with a visit to Gretna Green. 
I am, quite sure that I look quite a young thing, although, as a 
matter of fact, I am of full age, and consequently independent of 
parents and guardians. I admit as much as that, but my age is my 
affair, and the affair of no one else. Fortunately, I have some light 
literature, and consequently can pass the weary hours away. Let 
me see. Here is the Prehistoric Review. Capital article on "The 
NewWoiran." 

****** 

Dear me, I must have been thinking for some liltle while with my 
eyes closed, and here are two perfect strangers in official costumes. 
Too bad of the guard, after the tip I gave him, to permit their admit- 
tance. They seem amiable old gentlemen, in spite of their cocked 
hats, swords, and epaulets. 

" I am afraid I must trouble you to fill up this document," says 
the first, producing the very paper that caused me so much annoy- 
ance when I saw its fellow on the mantlepiece in my maiden aunt's 
drawing-room. " You see the 29th is the day, and it has to be filled 
up early the next morning, so that the collector may find it ready 
wnen called for." 

" But," I replied, grasping the terrible situation, "this is not a 
dwelling-house, and you are not the head of the family I " 

" For the purposes of the Act," explained the old gentleman, 

' everywhere is a dwelling-house ; as I am a Scotchman, no doubt I 

am in some way related to you as a cousin of some sort and I am 

certainly the head of my family, as my younger brother here will tell 

you." 

" Certainly," acquiesced the second old man. 

'What do you want of me?" I asked, for I saw that further 
efforts to escape were useless. ' I have done my best to avoid this, 
but the law has'conquered." 



" Not at all," answered the senior official, politely ; " shall we say 
forty-five ? " 

I trembled with indignation. But I thought it best to be sure 
of my ground. 

" Is there any penalty in ch Dosing my own view of the necessity 
of telling the truth ? " 

" The nominal penalty is 5. But then you would have to pay the 
money in vain ; for we are instructed, when we find that a false 
return has been made, to ascertain the truth, and correct it. At 
Srmerset House all the information we require is ready to hand. 
Shall we say fifty-five?" 

" Or fifty-six ? " put in the other. 

I was about to reply, when I lost all consciousness ! 

Monday, April 30. I am to relieved I I had been dreaming I The 
guard a very good man indeed, who has had a second half-crown 
in recognition of his services called me when we arrived at the ter- 
minus. I had fallen asleep over the Prehistoric Review. And now 
for breakfast, and then f 'home, sweet home "by the next train. 

I am so pleased. I have dodged the Census ! 

* ' * * * * 

Just returned to my dwelling. Have had all my trouble for 
nothing ! No inquiry about age in the Census paper ! 



To the "Radical Committee." 

(And All whom it may Concern.) 

" HOME Rule all Round " seems slightly " in the air " ; 
First you must show by votes Home Rule " All Square." 
And, what seems strange, but true will yet be found, 
To " square " the voters, you must " bring them round. 

SERIOUS REPORT Con FIRMED 1 In answer to our inquiries at Scot- 
land Yard we are informed that the report as to there being " divi- 
sions in the ranks of the police " is only too well founded. 

THE CET OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK." Easterward Ho I " 






PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI APBIL 4, 1896. 




LEFT BEHIND! 



OLD PARTY. "HERE! HI! STO-0-OO-OP! WHERE DO /COME IN?" 

[" Considerable annoyance is felt, both at the Palace and at the Porte, that Turkey was not consulted in regard to the expedition." 

Reuter's Constantinople Correspondent, March 25.] 



APRIL 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



165 




LOVc INDEED! 

Angelica, "CLAUDE, DARLING, WHEN WE GET BICH, WE'LL BUT 
EACH OTHER'S PICTURES 1 " 



CABBY OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. 

(By " Hansom Jack.") 
No. XV. SHILLING CAB-FARE?, FHOM THE DHIVEK'S POINT OP VEEW. 

[" The London Cabman tried my patience long before his vehicle or his 
horse tried my nerves. I am free to confess that even now the prejudices 



Sphinx.] 

HOIGHTY-TOIGHTY I 'Ow tiffy and toffy 'e is, this 'ere gent with a 

name that is like a Batch swear I 
Tt wouldn't pertikler "delight" me, I'm thinking, to 'ave 'tm 

inside for a long shilling fare. 
Tt would he a long 'un, I '11 bet my test 'at, for I 'm fly to the stingy, 

" superior " sort, 
As are always a 'ugging theirselves on the thought that they're 

gents, and us chaps, as poor cads, out o' court. 

It makes them " swell wisibly," this 'ere hidea, till it seems as their 

tight-buttoned frock-coats would bust. 
What rare Great Fanjandryums they are, to be sure ; or, leastways, 

would be, if you take 'em on trust. 
They walks this poor earth like drum-majors or beadles, a-shooting 

their cuffs and a-cuddling their canes, 
They fancy they 're Joves, and if brollies was thunderbolts, wouldn't 

they blarst us, or bash out our brains ? 



, I'll keep on my 'air, if I can, though a-reading this 

article gives me the 'ump. 
K thinks we are all brutal bullies and grumblers. Ahl VANDAM, 

old man, that's a far bigger jump 
Than ever you '11 see at the^Varsity sports. There is Cabbies of all 

sorts, and so there is fares. 
You pick out the surliest Jehus you know, and J'llpick out " gents" 

as '11 run 'em in pairs. 



If you 'd try just one week about town on the box of a Hansom or 

Growler, you'd know the " delights 
Of a shilling cab-fare" ain't confined to the " fare." Not to mention 

'ard weather, cold days and wet nights, 
Long waits and lumbago, east wind and stiff joints, we 'aye got 

' Uman Nature to fight with as well ; 
And though you may think that confined to us "Jehus," yon'll see 

it crop up now and then in a swell, 

You would, swelp me scissors I For surliness, stinginess, ah, and 

brutality .many a toff 
Would give BANDY B ADOBE a bit and a beating. Now BAWDY'S a 

brute, and a little bit off ; 
'Is temper, I own, is as catchy as teazles, 'is manners is bad, and 'is 

mind on the grab ; 
But don't you emagine that temper and trickiness are to be found 

only outside a cab ! 

We ain't 'ot-'ouse flowers, nor yet Parian himages ; I never yet 

knowed a Cabby with wings. 
But long tails and 'oofs ain't our regular wear, neither, Sir. Syrups, 

and saints, and such 'eavenly things, 
Might be just a bit out o' place on the box, in a jammed London 

street, with a Tartar hinside 
A-proddin' your ribs with a pinted humbreller, and letting 'is 

swear-words flow frequent and ^vide. 

Hangels with whips is remarkable rare birds ; but dittoes in broad- 
cloth or silk don't ran free. 

Say you are 'ailed by a 'orty haw-hawer, as looks as if 'e 'eld all 
London in fee; 

Sniffs at you sidewise, and cusses your mare if she shifts half an 
inch, or gives just the least splash. 

"Park Lane, and drive like the dayvill" 'e snaps; ard you touch 
your old 'at and are off at full dash. 

Keeps on a-firing at you through the trap all the way with remarks 

as establish a raw ; 
Calls you a slug, and your 'orse a old crock, and runs lots o' big d's 

in the slack of 'is jaw ; 
Looks at you out of 'is blue saucer eyes, as if you was a stray lump 

o' dirt on 'is nose, 
And chucks you a shilling for two-and-a-aif mile o' ground. You 

should washup that swell, I suppose. 

Even us Cabbies are not made of putty, and sometimes, I own, 

would forfeit the fare 
To land just one domino on a swell's boko that cocks at my sort with 

so scornful a hair. 
Mr. VANDAM talks of thrashing a Cabby, for being "impertinent" to 

a swell toff, 
As though 'twas as easy as writing about it, and 'e was cocksure 'ow 

the scrap would come off. 

Well, well ; gents are smart with their mawlies sometimes ; but it 

isn't that sort as lead Cabby a life ; 
It's the popinjay species, hinsulting and stingy, who, when they're 

fair tackled, shut up like a knife, 
Unless there' 's a bobby close 'andy! A'iding's a good wholesome 

lesson to cads, 'igh or low. 
But when it 's a question of fists and best man, it is not always hodds 

on the fare, dontcherknow. 

I once got well licked by a swell, and deserved it ! That ewell is a 

reglar with me to this day. 
But don't say poor Cabby is always to blame, for there 's facts I could 

prove as go quite t'other way. 
"A bob and a cuss, eighteen pence and a grumble" Well, yes, 

there's too much o' that sort, I dessay ; 
Bat before you can size up the Cabbies as growl, you 'ave got to take 

stcck of the parties as pay. 

Fair 's fair, yes, but fare is not fair not sometimes. Abuse, bully- 
ing, cheating are not all one side, 

And it 's wonderfol 'ow much " brutality " goes now and then with 
swell garments and hoceans of pride. 

A gent as is really a gent takes the cake, 'e 's the pick o' the basket, 
if I 'm any judge ; 

But it isn't the cash or the cloth makes that sort, and the party as 
fancies they do fancies fudge. 

Mr. V. runs us 'ard. Stillsomever, 'e's right to a pint. There are 

Cabbies who 're bullies and bears. 
But, ah I let 'im try. for a twelvemonth or to, to rear morals and 

manners on short shilling fares. 
Cab-ranks ain't recruited from scholars and gents, nor saints don' 

drop their trumpets to 'andle a whip. 
I know "Shilling Cab-fares," p'r'aps better than him, so I 'ope he'l 

excuse me for giving the tip. 



166 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. 



[APRIL 4, 1896. 




SHOW SUNDAY. 

Vandyke Bnwne. " PEACE MF DFAR LYDV, P2ACS AKD REFINEMENT, THOSE ARE THE TWO ESSENTIALS IN AN ARTISI'JJ SURROUNDINGS." 

[Enter Master and Mist Browne^ Tableau ! 



RULE, COLUMBIA. ! 

(New Version of an old, but obsolete, piece oj 
Patriotic "Blowing.") 

[M. NICOL TBSZLA, the great electrician, in 
America, thinks it will goon be possible to dispense 
with telegraph wires, and transmit messages to 
any place on earth, or even the nearer planets, by 
the utilisation of " electric waves."] 

AIB " Rule, Britannia. 11 

WHEN Yankeedom, at heaven's command, 

Arose from out the Atlantic " wet," 
This was the motto of that land : 
11 We'll lick creation, yes, you bet! " 
Rule Columbia I rule the (electric) waves ! 
The elements themselves shall be Ihy 
slaves I 



BULL, not half so smart as thee, 
Rules ocean's waves with trident- flail ; 
But thou shall bind the planets free, 
And catch wild comets by the tail. 
Rale Columbia, rale the (electric) waveal 
They're better, far, than mere black 
Nigger slaves I 

Thv MONROE Doctrine wide may reign, 
('Tis Heaven's own law, some swear, not 

thine ! ) 

But now thou 'It sway beyond earth's main, 
To wheresoever stars may shine ! 
Rale, Columbia, rule the (electric) waves ! 
(Think what a nile (in posts and wires) it 
saves I 



LITERARY SCRAPS. 

ME. PUNCH, SIR, As the representative 
of English Literature, allow me to address 
you. I wish t > suggest to you that the novels 
and plays of to-day are far easier of con- 
struction than thoss written in the earlier 
y ( ars of the century. Nowadays something is 
left to the imagination. To make my meaning 
plainer, I will imagine that the careers of 
EDWIN and ANGELINA have become hopelessly 
involved. The first is married to someone 
else, and the second is betrothed to a person 
>he hates. In the days of old the writer 
would have cleared < If the superfluous wife 
and disposed of the unnecessary fiance. But 
in 1896 such a task is superfluous. All that 
the novelist has to do is to cet down some- 
thing like the folbwing: 

CONCLUSION OF A MODERN NOVEL 

" This is my wife," said EDWIN, at length. 
He was weary of continuing the deception. 

" And this is ray -fiance ; " and ANGELINA 
turr ed red and white, and trembled. 

" It is a great mistake," he murmured; " a 
great mistake! " 

"You are right," she replied, adopting a 
tone telling of anguish. ''You are always 
light. And you were never so right as now." 
And then they both looked out of the window. 

THE END. 

Nothing further is needed. " They both 
looked out of the window " is quite enough. 



The reader can supply the remainder at his 
or her discretion. 

Then take the play. Thirty or forty 
years ago a "social problem," when in- 
troduced, had to be solved. Virtue had to 
be triumphant and vice vanquished in the 
final act. But nowadays this sort of aiding 
is quite out of date. Suppose that two men 
are face to face prepared to fight a duel. The 
lady of both their loves is on the stage, and 
so is her guardian. Then the author may 
give the following : 

END OF A MODEBN PLAT. 

Henry (fiercely). At last your hour is 
come I I will not set down my rapier until 
it baa rid the world of a villain and a slave ! 

Matthew. As you will. I hurl back your 
dtfiince! [They fight for a few minutes, 
ana then pause. 

Young Lady (during the pause). How will 
it conclude ? 

Guardian. I wonder I [Curtain. 

You will tea, by the above examples, that 
the end of a novel or a play nowadays may 
be as simple as well, say a modern reader. 
Yours abruptly, 

ONE OF THE NEW SCHOOL. 
Spaiish Castle, Itle of Sky e. 



CON. BY A CYNIC. Can the rather noisy 
"Independent Labour Party" really be the 
Party which desires to be independent of 
Labour ? 



APRIL 4, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



167 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

TOLD in the Twilight (F. V. 
WHITE & Co.) is a title likely to 
captivate all who expect from it a 
series of mysterious tales, quaint 
goblinesque legends, and blood- 
curdling ghost -stories. Verily, 
those who indulge in such antici- 
pations are, on taking up ADELINE 
SERGEANT'S book, doomed to dis- 
appointment; but after being 
caught by the first story they 
probably will be led on to read 

just one more," (a good title, by 
the way, not patented, or other- 
wise protected,) and not be con- 
tented until the last is reached 
and finished. During this course, 
the well-informed reader will pro- 
bably have been struck by the 
close resemblance which, in many 
respects, Mr. ORLANDO BATEMAN, 
the organist in " Lady Ellenpr's 
Romance," bears to Svengali of 
Trilby fame. " He was liyidly 
pale, lean, not very tall, with a 
shock of black hair, and immense 
black eves." " He looked so fierce 
and wild," and "when playing, 
he threw back the long, black 
hair that was apt to stray over 
his white forehead." Isn't this 
uncommonly like Mr. BEEBBOHM 
TBEE as Svengali f "I know that 
most people call him ugly: but 
they have not seen him at work." 
And Lady Ellenor, like Trilby, 
is Svengalivinised by the aquiline 
rosed, glittering eyed musician. 
However, Lady Ellenor isn't a 
Trilby, and the en-chanting orga- 
nist is not a Svengali. All ends 
happily. These stories told in the 
twilight may be read in broad day- 
light, or, in fact, at any time, to 



FANCY PORTRAIT. 




"OLD OOMPAULOPPOMUS" AT HOME. 



the delight of the reader and 
the profit of the authoress and 
publisher. 



DOLLARS AND SENSE; 
Or, The Doom of the Matinee Hat. 

[The Legislature of Ohio have just 
passed a law forbidding women to 
wear large hats at theatres.] 

IT may not in all things be worthy 

or wise, 

Our laws and our modes to Ameri- 
canise ; 
But here is a point on which 

thousands would thank 
Our M.P.'s for taking a tip from 

the Yank. 
For where 's the male victim who 

ever hath sat, 

Unseeing, behind a hugh " Ma- 
tinee hat," 
Who will not rejoice when our 

Government cDllars, 
For every such nuisance, a fine of 

ten dollars ? 
(N.B. The poor manager^' lives 

will be Hades ! 
The fine should be paid by the 

selfish fine ladies.) 
A. man might as well be as blind 

as a bat, 
As sit in the rear of a Matinee 

hat. 
And it makes an old theatre-goer 

to sigh, Oh ! 
To tbink that his lot is not cast 

in Ohio. 



BUSINESS BEFOBE EVERYTHING. 
Our "Friend in the City " hear- 
ing of the advance on Kassala, 
wishes to know if the property 
has been properly valued. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTBA.CTED FfiOM THE DIAKT OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, March 23. Good deal of variety 
about House of Commons. This day last week benches crowded ; 
interest intense ; subject, new war in the Soudan. To-night benches 
moderately filled; no lack of speech- making ; a smell of chopped 
straw through the House ; a disposition amongst Borough Members 
to come down in gaiters and shooting coats ; WALTER LONG, all 
alone on Treasury Bench, humming to himself the plaintive air, 
" Go briny the Cattle Home." 

Bill under discussion a modest measure branded Diseases of 
Animals Bill. Simply but effectually proposes that all Foreign and 
Colonial Cattle shall be slaughtered ac port of entry. Liberals spy 
under its muffler the beard of Protection. Criticism not confined to 
Opposition benches. Several Members rise from Ministerial side 
and declare they will have none of it. New House has two Men 
from WHITELEY'S ; one the Universal Provider sent on from Stock- 
port ; the other from Ashton-under-Lyme. It was the representa- 
tive of the Athton branch who spoke the other night on bi- metal- 
Ham. Our Young Man from Stockpart turned up to-night, 
interrupting WALTER LONG'S pretty tong with protest against this 
measure. Never since, in almost forgotten play, WILSON BARRETT 
used to raise two lean arms to Heaven, and cry aloud, " How long ? 
How long ? " has there been seen anything so pathetic as the Stock- 
port Man from WHTTELET'S lament over this Cattle Bill. 

" Sir," he said, dropping a scalding tear almost on the unprotected 
bead of the Minister for Agriculture, reclining on the Treasury Bench, 
" I regret that, having been elected to oppose Home Rule, I should 
be asked at this early period of the Session to support what I cannot 
help calling an English Land League." 

Observe how, even in the torrential passion of the moment, this 
sentence is carefully shaded. If it had not been so early in the 
Seision it wouldn't have been so bad. In July a cup, however bitter 
its contents, might be drained, which, proffered in March, is fatal. 
Then there is the apologetic introduction of the scathing reference 
to an English.Land League. " I cannot help calling it " an English 



Land League, said Our Stockport Representative, slightly^ turning 
aide his head to hide his emotion, a movement which, accidentally 
altering the course of the falling tear, averted a catastrophe WAXTER 
LONG would have felt more acutely than most men of his age. 

After this desperate attack from the Opposition benches, with 
answering signs of revolt from besieged camp, a little surprising to 
find that the malcontents mustered only 95, leaving Ministers in a 
majority of 149. 

Business done. Diseases of Animals Bill read second time. 

Tuesday. " The longer I live, dear TOBY," said the SQUIRE OF 
MALWOOD just now as we strolled through the division lobby on the 
London Water Bills question, "the more I feel like one who treads 
alone some banquet- hall deserted. In the political world I am 
becoming a sort of mastodon of Liberalism. If, when I finally 
answer the cry ' Who goes home ? ' they would promise not to put a 
statue of me in the central lobby, I wouldn't mind bequeathing my 
skeleton to the Natural History Museum. With a suitable label, it 
might prove of interest, and would serve as a lesson, to coming 

generations. Every day questions crop up which show what chasms 
ave been riven in the political world within the last dozen years. 
Here, for example, is this proposal of the London County Council to 
take over the Water System of the Metropolis. Sixteen years ago the 
question was before a committee of the House of Commons, of which 
1 was Chairman, with DON JOSE as faithful henchman. Hard work to 
hold him in in those days, when there was a Tory fence or ditch to be 
taken. Perhaps, if he had one passion stronger than another, it was 
for the unfettered action of municipal authority over all matters 
affecting the ratepayers. After sixteen years the question comes up 
again. DON JOSE and I walk apart. A fathomless river flows 
between. I am here still, fighting for the old principles of 1880. 
DON JOSE is on the other bank, eligible quarters laid out as villas 
for the gentlemen of England, and the London ratepayers will be 
the poorer by, some say, twenty millions, the lowest estimate putting 
it down at five. 

"This only an episode in a long tragedy, a chapter in an inter- 
minable history. JOKIM and HARTINGTON are also on the other side 
of the river. But that is a matter for small surprise compared with 



168 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



4, 1896. 



DOIT JOSE'S somersault. We confront each other at every turn of 
events. One gets used to it, as.benelicent Nature in time blunts all 
sharp edges. But sometime?, as to-night, the state of things is 



ONLY SURVtVNG 
SPECIMEN KNOWN 

Of THB TU CEH04 - 




Unique Specimen from Natural History Museum. 

brought home with peremptory force, and one feels a little lonely 
treading the old familiar paths." 

Business done. London County Council's proposal to acquire 
waterworks thrown out by 287 votes against 125. 

Wednesday. Our British life and habits so monotonous in 
manner, so sombre in colour, variation from the commonplace is 
ever acceptable. Thus House to-day delighted to see CUTHBEBT 
QUILTER and KENYON-SLANEY rolling in the vat. For more perfect 
vraisemblance QUILTER had donned smock, with big hat and boots, 
usually worn by brewers' draymen. That nothing should be lacking, 
had learned off an oath or two. SERGEAHT-AT-ABMS diew the line 
at that. Wasn't certain at first about the vat ; but remembered how, 
in earlier Parliament, petitions on some burning question been 
brought in in bales, packed below Gangway, so that Members could 
not see each other across the pile. Suggested that Member address- 
ing 1 House should scramble on top and thence deliver his speech. 

If that might be, why shouldn't QUILTEB carry out his brilliant 
idea of packing his petitions in favour of pure beer in a hogshead, 
label it " QUILTEB' s Entire," and get KENYON-SLANEY (who will 
do anything if promised an opportunity of making a speech) to help 
him roll it in ? So it was done. 

SAKE tells me that when Mr. G. went out to the opening of the 
Baltic Canal, QUILTEB was one of DON CUBBIE'S guests. A Copen- 
hagen paper, printing list of the company, mentioned among the 
nobility and gentry, "Sir CUTHBEBT QUIETS," meaning the Member 
for Sudbury. Sir CUTHBEBT by no means Quiets to-day. This his 
great opportunity, and be rose to it. Began at earliest moment. 
As soon as vat was trundled into position, leaned his elbow on it, 
crossed one leg, and began to discourse about the contents. Six 
hundred yards long was the petition ; 26,000 signatures it bore ; 10 
had been subscribed what for nobody knows. SPEAKER inter- 
fered ; couldn't have speech at this juncture. 

Sir CUTHBEBT stood on another leg, and began again. Everybody 
had signed the petition, from the bishop on his throne down to 

" Order! Order I " said the SPEAKEB, sternly. 

Sir CUTHBEBT once more changed his position, and continued. 
Inhabitants of West Suffolk, East Cambridgeshire, and part of the 
Saffron- Walden division of Essex 

"Order! Order!" cried the SPEAKEB. "The Clerk will now 
proceed to read the Orders of the Day." 

Sir CUTHBEBT, not having another leg to stand upon, sat down. 
The vat rolled out, the smock taken off, he presently reappeared; 
delivered luminous speech, showing how the Pyramids were built on 



Sure beer; how Edward the Confessor not only asked for his pint 
aily, but saw that he got it ; and how in the Middle Ages ale-tasters 

apparently sampled beer through their leather breeches. A luminous, 
learned, picturesque address. So wrought upon imagination 
and conviction of CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUEB that he pro- 
mised Committee of ale-tasters to sit upon the question. 

Business done. Sir CUTHBEBT QUIETS (of Copenhagen) dis- 
courseth on the Purity of Bfer. 

Friday. SAGE OF 
QUEEN ANNE'S GATE 
long since removed from 
thoroughfare whence, 
after fashion of other 
lords of the soil, he de- 
rived his designation. 
Lives now at No. 5, Old 
Palace Yard, where he 
can keep his eye on 
House of Lords imme- 
diately over the way. 
Property much im- 
proved of late by clear- 
ing space near Chapter 
House, opening up view 
of Westminster Abbey. 
When SAGE tired of re- 
flecting on near future 
of House of Lords, he 
can walk into another 
room and muse over 
glorious history of Es- 
tablished Cnurch. Thus 
appropriately set be- 
tween Church and 
State, he passes the 
quiet evening of a use- 
ful life. 

Repose just now 
rudely threatened. 
Why, WHITMOBE wants 
to know, should No. 5, 
Old Palace Yard, remain 
when houses contiguous 

pulled down ? Improvement 

already established is great. 

Throw in No. 5 and the 

charm is complete. 

AKEBS-DOUGLAS, ques- 
tioned on subject, jumps at 

suggestion. No doubt, he 

says, removal of No. 5 would 

greatly add to improvement. 

The SAGE much interested in 

embellishment of London. 

Now's his opportunity of 

doing something that would 

conspicuously contribute " The Irish Question remains a vast and 

A jt menacing note of interrogation in the 

SAGE didn't happen to be d * | g C mpire.-iorrf Rosebery at 

in his place when converea- ***"*** 

tion took place. Which was a pity, as a word, even a nod of assent, 

might have settled it right off. But House has no doubt how thing 

will end. 
Business done. The Dook been thinking over what he read in 

Punch a fortnight back that passage written ages ago in a forgotten 

play. The tcene, it will be remembered passes between Cassius 

Mummius and Scipio^ Minor (Dux Nobilis). Cassius (Prince 

ABTHUB) presses on Scipio (the Dook) pension of 1800 a year. 

Scipio. I thank the gods ! 

But for a soldier tired of war's alarms 
There's no reward, save virtue ! All the rest 
Is dross ! I '11 none of it ! Yet for your courtesy 
I thank you. 

PRINCE ARTHUR, throwing into proae this fine passage from " The 
Roman Warrior," read it to the House. Comes to same thing ; 
Dook won't have the money ; but House would have preferred the 
poetry, especially as there it was, ready made. 

Nemesis and the New Woman. 

(By an Acrid Anti-Cyclist.} 

WOMAN'S soft charm, which once all men might feel, 
Is now (like traitors) " broken on the wheel." 
Nor let this woe from wheel her champion vex 
Women on wheels are traitors to their sex I 




APRIL 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



169 



IURZON AND CRISES. 

THE mystery of Isis 
A wonder to the wise is : 
Yet 'tis, though fraught 
With marvel, naught, 
Co CUBZON on a Crisis ! 

)ur clever Mr. CUBZON 
.s a superior person. 

A sage more "poz" 

There never was 
?or bard to turn a verse on. 

Ie told us, in the Autumn, 
That Crises, tcAenwe"caughV' 

'em, 

"Were always due 
To some Rad crew ; 
About no Tory brought 'em. 

England was cdm and sober, 
As a bland air by AUBEB, 

Since SALISBURY came 

Our foes to tame ; 
But that was last October I 

We never, never, never 
From peace were like to sever 

While CECIL great 

Controlled the State, 
With CUBZON, young and clever. 

Bntere 1he Springtime, Crise j, 
Despite CUBZON'S " advices," 
Were plentiful 
With poor JOHN Bow, 
As hot-croES buns or icss. 

The Turk turned cross and 
cranky ; 

The Dutchman and the Yankee 
Raised rows, despite 
Sige SALISBURY'S sleight, 

And CTTBZON'S hanky-panky. 

The Muscovite and Teuton 
Oar troubles were not mute on. 

To calculate 

The cares of State 
Might floor Sir ISAAC NEWTON. 




HONEST PENNY. 



WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY ? " 

WBITING AN ARTICLE FOR THE GADFLY," 

WHO ABOUT?" "ROBERT BROWNING." 

SUPPOSE VOF 'VE READ A LOT OF HIM ? " 

NOT I I BUT I MET HIM ONCE AT AN AFTERNOON TEA." 



To make things more chaotic 
(Oh. destiny despotic !) 
; The Egyptian Sphinx 

Drew into kinks 
Our policy Nilotic. 

Is CURZON therefore troubled 
That he poor Britons bubbled. 

Lord ! not a mite ! 

These crises slight 
He 'd willingly see doubled. 

Crises unto a Tory 

Are means of gain and glory ; 

But with your Rad, 

If things go bad- 
Why, that 's another story I 



EXTRACTS FROM A NEW GER- 
MAN GRAMMAR. The preposi- 
tion wegen, "on account of," 
governs the genitive case. Ex- 
ample: The ruler made a 
sheep's-head of himself (hatte 
sich einen Schafs-kopf gemacht) 
on account of the wire (wegen 
desDepeschen). Little WILLIAM 
(der kleiner WILSLXLM) is fond 
of (liebt) the drum and trumpet 
on account of the noise (wegen 
des Larmes) ; but he fears (er 
furchtet) to vex his kind grand- 
mother on account of the slipper 
(wegen der Pantoffelri). 



MARS ET PRJETEREA HIHTL. 

The Eton contingent mustered 
strongest at the Public Schools 
Field Day at Aldershot. Natu- 
rally, for are not the boys al- 
ways expected to be ready for 
WARRE ? 



A COMPETITION IN WHICH 
THE "SPOT" STROKE is NOT 
BARRED. American corn-deal- 
ing. 



A MONTE CARLO HOTEL BILL. 

THE following, as an improvement on the present system of in- 
sufficient charges, is respectfully offered to the Hotel Proprietors of 
the Principality of Monaco. It is hoped that this specimen of au 
account for one small bedroom for one night will ojnvince those 
gentleman that the new method is an admirable one, and worthy of 
immediate adoption. 

HOTEL SPLENDIDE ET DES MINES D'OR. 



Note de M, John Robinson, No. 1536. 



Chambre . 
Service de 1'hotel . 
Service de 1'etage 
Service de la chambre 
Electricite . . 
Lumiere . 
Bougie . 
Lit (oreiller compris) . 
Chaises (deux, a 3 fcs.) 
Miroir . . 
Table .... 
Fenetre . . . 
Porte (clef comprise) . 
Plafond . 
Parquet (tapis comprls) 
Murs (quatre, a 3. fcs.) 
Divers , , . 



F. c. 

12 
2 
2 
2 
2 
2 
5 

5 

6 
2 

2 50 
4 

3 50 

4 

7 50 
12 
24 75 



Bain de siege . . 
Eau f roide . . . 
Eau chaude . . 
Air tiede, extra sec . 
Soleil (la journee, a 27 

Centigrade) . . 
Ciel bleu (oouleur locale 

reservee) . 
Divers . . 
Cafe au lait . 
Cite . 
Eau . 
Lait . 
Divers . 



F. c. 

3 

1 50 

2 
5 

27 

7 

31 25 

2 

. 2 

. 2 

. 2 
. 47 5 



Fcs. 230 5 



MUSICAL NOTE. A new version of Sir ARTHUB SULLIVAN'S popular 
song is being prepared for the usa of omnibus and tram conductors, 
under the title of " No, jolly Jenkins / " 



To BE HOPED FOR AFTER THE SOTTDAN CAMPAIGN. Otittm CUM DlGNA. 



THE UNPATRIOTIC TRUSTEE. 

(Fragment from a Stock Exchange Romance.} 

" So you were the author of that article which stirred up strife 
between our country and a nation hitherto well disposed towards 
us ? " said his parent, sternly. 

"I am not ashamed to admit it," replied the trustee, drawing 
himself up to his full height, and looking his father straight in the 
eyes with proud humility. 

"And you spread the report that one of the best of our colonies 
was on the point of revolt ? " 

" And why not ! It was a part of my plan the outcome of my 
duty." 

" I do not understand vour view of right and wrong," continued 
the old man, sadly. " When you were a child you used to sing 
' Rule, .Britannia ' at your mother's knee." 

" You say truly, father. But in those days, as an infant (I was 
considerably under one-and-twenty), I was unable to be a trustee." 

" And has this new dignity entirely changed your nature ?" 

"No, not entirely. But I feel I must work my utmost for those 
whose estate is under my special protection." 

" Then you stir up strife, and do your best to ruin your nation 
to bring your country to the eve of bankruptcy as a trustee ? " 

" You put the matter too strongly. I would not absolutely ruin 
my country. I would, for instance, not cause a repudiation of the 
National Debt. In fact, such a course as that to which I have re- 
ferred would be inimical to my interests as a trustee." 

" As a trustee I As a trustee I " cried the old man, angrily. You 
always speak as a trustee 1 Why do you always speak as a trustee r 

" Because, father, I am one ! I admit that I have been guilty of 
all of which you have accused me, and I will tell you the reason. 
Father, I have recently sold out of Consols at 110 on behalf of my 
cestui que trust, and I want to bring down the funds I frankly 
admit it to something under 90 before I reinvest the money, 
And now, father as a trustee can you blame me P " 

But the old man could not reply. He was busily engaged in 
wiping his eyes on a union-jack handkerchief, and weeping bitterly. 



VOL. OX. 



170 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 11, 1896. 



t 




\ 



WELCOME! 

Britannia. '' COME IN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I GL\D TO GIVE YOU A DECINT ROOF OVER YOUK HEADS AT LAST I " 
[The New National Portrait Gallery wai opened to the public on Saturday, April 4, 1896.] 



APRIL 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



171 



VOICES FEOM THE NEW BRITISH VALHALLA. 

(Overheard ly Mr. Punch in the New National Portrait Gallery 
on the eve of the Ecu tcr Holidays. ) 

[" From these walls to-day, nearly eight centuries of British and allied 
history look down upon us in the persons of some of their principal 
characters." Daily News.] 

Nell Gwynne. "Well, here we are, housed in a palace again, and at 
home at last ! 

Qoldtmith. In all our London wanderings here and there, 
In a)l our shifts and we have had our share 
I still had hopes, ere Time's last tocsin rang, 
In high palatial walls, like these to hang. 
I still had hopes, for pride was ever mine, 
Amidst kings, queens, and heroes bright to thine ; 
Around my frame a holiday group to draw, 
And stiike a gaping Cockney crowd with awe ; 
And as great JOHNSON, whom great REYNOLDS drew, 
Points to the place whence with regret he flew, 
I fctill had hopes, my long vexatious past, 
Here to hang high aid have a home at last. 

\J " 

Johnson. Sir, that snfficeth! If Ait is long, that is no reason 
why poetic parody should he prolix. For my own part, I would 
rather have hung in Fleet Street, in the vicinity of Temple Bar, 
which I regret to hear the revolutionary iconoclasts of a democratic 
day have ruthlessly removed from its ancient and time-honoured 
site. The worse than "Whig dogs I 'Tis pity their own empty 
noddles do not adorn it, as in my time ^they would doubtless have 
done. 

How rarelv reason guides the People's choice, 
Kules the "Whig hand, or prompts the Tory voice I 
How nations sink, by rash re forms oppress'd, 
When senates listen to the Mob's request I 
Democracy wings each afflictive dart, 
Distorteth Nature and degradeth Art 1 
With fatal heat rebellious rashness glows, 
With fatal fluency Rad rhetoric flows. 
Impeachment itops not the bold traitor's breath, 
And restless rowdyism meets not death. 

Elizabeth (briskly). Marry ocme up! hath mine illustrious suc- 
cessor, VICTOBIA, neither headsman and block nor rack and thumb- 
ecrew, to take order with traitors and spouters of sedition ? 

Henry VIII. Verily, yes, my daughter, in effigy, or in ruit, at 
the Tower, which is now, as we shall hereafter be, a holiday-show 
f >r England's modern ruler the Easter Monday mob I 

Elizabeth (hotly). By mine halidom, I bold it foul ecorn 

Charles II. Odds- fish, madam! Illustrious effigies should not 
f xcite themselves about the vulgar vagaries of the modern tag-rag- 
and- bobtail. 

f Washington (coldly]. Your Majesties forget that / have lived 
tinceye died. 

George III. Why why why, so much the worse, rival and 
rebellious George! Short work would they have made with your 
monstrous Monroe Doctrine, which even a CECIL now seems too much 
disposed to parley and palter with. 

Milton. " George did but prompt the age to quit their clogs 

By the known roles of ancient liberty." 

Methinks, however, that " CJROMWELL, our chief of men," admitted 
iu tffigy, though not shame on Englishmen I at Westminster, 
would have taught the "Unspeakable Turk" a sterner lesson in 
Armenia than the modern CECIL finds " diplomatic." 

Garrick (cheerily). Tilly- vally, Illustrious Ones, how sombre and 
solemn, how pompon s and pragmatical ye all are I At holiday season, 
too I Verily ye will not, at this rate, add much to the merriment of 
the Holiday Mob, or of that somewhat sardonic person, the British 
Workman, but the rather tend, as SAMUEL said of my decease, to 

eclipse the gaiety of nations." 

Chaucer. " some men be too curious 

In studie, or too melancholius." 

But let not this " temple for portreiture " be less lightsome than my 
earlier " House of Fame." 

Byron. Right, my cheery "Well of English," undefiled (though 
sometimes, perhaps, a trifle thick and obscure). Emperors and kings 
(like most poets) are dull dogs, as Q.TJEVEDO could tell you, and 
ALFBED THE LITTLE demonstrate. Whether opening pictnre 
galleries and museums, &c., on Sundays will brighten the lives of 
the sons of toil and seduce them from the venal shrines of the vulgar 
Bacchus as much as LUBBOCK and others imagine, is a question on 
luch sentimentalists and cynics may take opposite views. Bat 
fcince we are "hung up to make a British holiday," let us not be 
as dull and cantankerous as modern Parliamentary debates, or the 
leaden lays of little would-be laureates. 




OUR SMOKING CONCERT. 

Irate Member. " WELL, I 'LL TAKE Mr OATH I CAME IN A HAT 1 



Gay, Life is a jest, and all things show it 

To all except a Minor Poet I 

Seacomfield. Humph I Gaitty is a dangerous game to^play with 
"Boeotian BULL," as chaffy ROSEBEBY is finding to his cost, and 
even the Rhcdian rhetorician of Mai wood knows, though he does 
judiciously qualify laborious srarkle with Philistine ponderosity. 
flow say you, Swan ? 

Shakspeare (laith calm cheer). " There are a sort of men whose 

visages 

Do cream and mantle like a standing pond, 
And do a wilful stillness entertain, 
With purpose to be dress 1 d in an opinion 
Of wisdom, gravity, profound conceit." 

In Venice, Gratiano dubbed them " Sir Oraoles.^' la England, 
they are known as rigid Sabbatarians. Like Gratiano, let us " fieh 
not with this melancholy bait for this fool gudgeon." Here at last 
we be gathered in a great and worthy home, if we can give some- 
what of pleasure to the proletariat, and lend something of brightness 
and beauty and brain to the proletariat holiday or the Puritanical 
Sabbath, we may indeed do a work worthy of worthies, e'en though 
it fall as far short of the hopes of enthusiasts as of the fears of those 
canting croakers who " sit like their grandsires cut in alabaster," 
and prophesy perpetually of wickedness and woe. 

Omnes (including Mr. Punch). Hear, hear ! Let us learn of the 
greatest of genial sages, nourish modestly all good human hopes, and 
do unpretentiously our pleasant best. 

A STORE OF NEW JESTS. 

[" ' The Faithful Men of Jever,' a place near the North Sea coast of 
Germany, are, according to their custom every Spring, sending Prince 
BISMARCK a hundred and one plovers' eggs for his birthday." Standard.] 

PBINCE B-SM-BCK, addressing our distinguished representative, 
Count BEN TBOVATO, who has forwarded the report to us. and speak- 
ing excellent Anglo-German, observed, apropos of these Easter Eggs, 
" Ja, Herr, of deser eggs I lofe der vite, und do durroly abbreeshiate 
a good yoke. Vancy I ein onderd-und-von good yoke ! all vresh und 
new I No Yomiller Yokes among dem I Dey are a vortune do a 
Brof eshonal Diner-out ! " 



172 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 11, 1896. 




She. "Box WHY WON'T YOU ASK MR. ROBINSON? I'M SURE HI icons AMONG QUITS 
GOOD SET." 
He. "Movsa? YES, HE 's JOLLY WELL QOT to. THEY WON'T 'LET HIM STOP I" 



OUR PROPERTY LIST. 

[" A volcano was put up to auction yesterday." 

Daily Paper, ,] 

MESSRS. HAMMBB AND ROSTRUM beg to call 
the attention of the nobility and gentry to 
the following valuable properties, all of which 
will shortly oe dispose! of by auction, unless 
previously sold by private treaty. 

(I.) A Volcanic Island in the Western 
Pacific. This charming plot, consisting of a 
square acre of rook, 250 miles from the 
nearest mainland, is celebrated not only for 
the extensive views which it commands, but 
for the fact that, owing to the action of a 
submarine volcano, it is almost certain to dis- 
appear entirely within a few years' time. On 
this account its purchaser would probably let 
it at a high rent to any of his enemies. It 



uou woo vci^y ouvauttigeuuB acquisition 

for a novelist wishing to dispose of his villain 
in a sensational manner. Cards to view it 
(unless it should have disappeared in the 



meantime) may 1>9 obtained from the auc- 
tioneers. 

(II.) An Estate in Asia Minor. It is 
needless to give the exact locality ; the im- 
portant feature of this property is that 
scarcely a day passes without its being sub- 
jected to earthquakes of a most violent kind. 
The hurricanes, too, are considered by ex- 
perts to be absolutely unrivalled. The estate 
may be bought outright, or may be rented 
from February to Junej during which period 
the earthquake season is at its height. We 
need scarcely point out how desirable a 
residence this would be for elderly ladies of 
weak nerves, while it is unanimously agreed 
that it would be impossible to pass a dull day 
there. For the seismologist the locality offers 
special advantages, and it would be an excel- 
lent home for amateur architects. They 
would have the pleasure of designing a new 
house for themselves at least once a month. 

(III.) Four Acres of valuable Freehold 
Land in the Middle of the Sahara. Com- 



plaint is often made of the overgrown 
character of modern estates. But this pro- 
perty is absolutely perfect in this respect, 
there is not so much as 'a blade of grass on 
the whole of it, the air is beautifully; dry, 
and the thermometer in the shade (if there 
were any) would seldom rise above 130. 
The spot is, therefore, peculiarly suitable for 
invalids. Lions are very plentif nl, and there 
is the occasional society of certain tribes from 
the interior, who display quaint and amusing 
cannibalistic tastes. There is no dwelling 
place erected at present, but a tent would 
fully suffice for the occupier, and it could 
easily be exchanged, if desired, for the inte- 
rior of a lion. The spot has been viewed, and 
is strongly recommended by H. BJDER HAG- 
GABD, E*q., and H. M. STANLEY, E;q. 

(IV.) An attractive Iceberg (at present) in 
the Neighbourhood of Greenland. An ideal 
home for those desiring change of scene, as an 
iceberg travels many miles in the summer 
season. Charming variety is also afforded by 
the fact that its size changes from day to day, 
atd it might even disappear entirely in an 
abnormally hot summer. All the valuable 
sporting rights including whale-fishing and 
seal-shooting will pass with the property. 
The drainage system is perfect, sea-bathing 
may be had (at the cost of a little dyna- 
mite), and the whole estate is lighted by the 
Aurora borealis. The mail system, which is 
carried out by messages enclosed in sealed 
bottles, to be ultimately picked up by Esqui- 
maux, is slightly irregular ; but it is hoped 
that a balloon-post may be established before 
long. Dr. NANSEN would also probably 
arrange for direct voyages on it to the North 
Pole for a very moderate fee. 

It will be seen that no finer collection of 
properties than the above has been offered to 
the public for many years ; and we* feel con- 
fident that those who purchase them will be 
delighted with their bargains. 



NEW POLITICAL SONG. 

As sung by Lord Rotebery at Huddersfisld. 

(See Daily Chronicle, March 30.) 

AIR " Oh ! Say not woman's heart is bought." 

OH ! Say not coronets are bought 

With vain and empty treasures ! 
Oh I Say not peerages are caught 

By any doubtful measures 1 
Though Liberals may loathe a lord, 

Let not the world mistake them : 
For virtue's guerdon and reward 

They've made, and still will make them, 

Oh I Say not that a peer 's untrue, 

That like the bee he changes, 
Still seeking flowers sweet and new 

His fickle fancy ranges. 
Oh no 1 Such foolish doubts as these 

Will make us falter never I 
No other Party e'er could please : 

He 's Liberal for ever ! 



IMPORTANT HISTORICAL MEM. It is under- 
stood that our Gentle Jacobites, who rjar like 
any suck ing- dove for the "Return of the 
Stuarts," do not include in their platonically 
treasonable plans the "return" (to the County 
Council) of the Great Progressive and anti- 
Water-Company Paladin, and ex-Professor, 
well known in Parliament and Spring Gardens. 

PARADOX FOB PUTNEY. A I Parliamentary 
Bill is utterly unlike an University Eight, 
seeing that it is never certain of success unt%l 
it is passed. 

CAPITAL NAME FOR AN ANTI-PROGRESSIVE 
COUNTY COUNCILLOR. On-slow. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONI 




OUB "OLYI 

PARLIAMENTARY AT 



RIVARL Apfio 11, 1896. 




J GAMES." 

AT WESTMINSTER. 



APRIL 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



177 



FIGURES OP PUN. 

[The revenue returns for the financial year 
1895-6 show amazing and unexpected results. 
The total sum actually raised amounted to 
109,339,946, as against 101,697,304, so returned 
for the previous financial year.] 

Impecunious Ratepayer loquitur : 

DEAR, and dear I What a wonderf ul year I 
This beats DBTDEX'S Annus Mirabilis, 

And yet here am I with my half-pint o' beer, 
Simply penniless, pipe less, and cabbyless ! 

These be figures of fun I And my funds will 

not run 
To a cab to my den o'er the water. 

1 must crawl home and plod half the night 

with my pen, 
In order to equare my " last quarter " ! 

Seven-six-four-two-six-four-twol ! I There's 

a nice sum, 

To tot up the revenue's swelling I 
HICKS-BEACH will be able to make the thing 

hum. 

Complacently now he '11 be dwelling 
On HABCOTJBTS Death Duties they slated eo 

much, 

Bat which now redound to their glory. 
With such a nice little nest-egg in their 

clutch, 
By Jove, who would not be a Tory ? 

Over thirty-six millions for last quarter's 

pile! 

Oh ! HABCOTJBT, I just wish to heaven you 
Would give me the tip how to make fortune 

smile 

On my twopenny-halfpenny revenue. 
Returns? My returns swell the Govern- 
ment's till ; 

I pay, not receive, rates and taxes. 
I hope I wish well to my country, but still 
It is not my income that waxes. 

My income-tax does though! And then I 
suppose 

Statisticians proclaim my " prosperity," 
As one of the class whose emolument grows. 

I wish, how I wish, 'twas a verity 1 
Each quarter with me is far worse than the 
last, 

However, I trudge it and drudge it. 
Expenditure outruns my earnings so fast, 

No surplus e'er crowneth my Budget. 

Well, well, I'm a "patriot," though I am 

poor, 

And so I must keep up my pecker. 
But if taxes were less and my takings were 

more, 

'I would vastly improve my Exchequer. 
I envy both HABCOUBT and HICKS-BEACH 

end, 

When Surpluses swell in this manner ; 
Whilst I, for a 'bus-fare, must hunt up some 

friend, 
And endeavour to borrow a " tanner" ! 



no 



Colourable. 

" THEEducationBill in Black and White; " 
That was the Daily Chronicle's capital 

" head." 
Bat School Boards saw that Bill in a " Blue " 

light, 
When that same Bill was " Re(a)d" I 



MEM. FOB " MODEBATES." Improvement 
Committees sometimes need improvement. 

PABADOXICAL,BUT TBUE. All Great Powers 
have their little weaknesses. 

NEW NAME FOB IT (after Italy's Abyssinian 
reverse). The Cripple Alliance. 




1 Ol TELL TI2 Ol WILL KOI CLANK OTTT ME CELL. Ol 'D LAVE THE JAIL FURBST 1 



HER "BEDSIDE MANNA." 

[" Modern practitioners are too prone to order 
the attendance of a trained nurse for the slightest 

illness Women are complaining of their 

banishment by doctors from the sick-rooms of 
their friends." " Vera " in Lady't fictorial.'] 

WHO dawned on me, a sick-room star, 
And shielded me from fret and jar, 
When down with bronchial catarrh ? 
My Nursey I 

Who's was the hand that gave me pap, 
And smoothed my pillows with a slap, 
So captivating in her cap P 
My Nursey I 

Who, when I 'm seedy, linseed bring, 
Makes poultices, and broths, and things, 
An angel one, alas, with wings I 
My Nursey ! 



But who is now denounced ke mad 
As making worse a business bad, 
And being a mere physician's fad P 
That Nursey I 

Who 's said, when maladies are rife, 
To take the place of daughter, wife, 
And out of patients scare the life P 
The Nursey I 

To families that cheapness seek 
Who seems a doctor's senseless freak 
Because she costs two pounds per week P 
A Nursey I 

Still, of her praises I '11 be chanter, 
Because when ill I 'm sure to want her, 
That costly, needless, nice supplanter 
My Nursey I 

"FOREIGN RELATIONS" (NOT FRANCE'S). 
"Cousins-German" and " Datch-Unolee." 



178 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11, 1896. 




APRIL 11, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



179 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED KKOM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Tuesday, March 31, 
4.50 A. if. Just going home with the milk. 
Been at it since House met at 3 o'clock 
yesterday afternoon. " The kettle began it," 
a it is written in The Cricket on the Hearth. 
The kettle in this case represented hy SQUIRE 
OF MALWOOD. It was JEMMY LOWTHER who 
suggested the appellation. When last night 
PRINCE ARTHUR moved to appropriate Tues- 
day's sitting for Education Bifl, SQUIRE made 
terrible onslaught on him, accusing him if 
muddling business of House. 

" I have no wish," said JEMMY, with that 
magnificently judicial air that used to awe 
the court in the famous Jockey Club arbitra- 
tion, " to interpose in differences of opinion 
which partake largely of the nature of those 
alleff d to exist between the kettle and the 
pot." 

Kettle (the SQUIRE) called the pot black ; 
the pot (PRINCE ARTHUR) retorted with great 
vigour that the SQUIRE was another. 

This smart enough while it lasted. Another 
burst of liveliness when GEORGE CURZON spok e 
disrespectfully of the CAP'EN. Even accused 
him of repeating his speeches. Told little 
story how, finding the CAP'EN bad on Orders 
of the day motion calling attention to Treaty 
engagements with Turkev, he had turned up 
Hansard, read the old Salt's speech of last 
year, and, since it was repeated last night, 
found the task of answering it easy. 

" Sir," said the CAP'EN, hailing the 
SPEAKER in voice of thunder, " I will not be 
misrepresented, even by a right honourable 
gentleman of the ability and pretensions of 
him who sits below me." 

4 ' B eaul if ul ! ' ' cried CAWMELL-B AH NERMAN, 
smiling approval. "TOMMY is nothing if not 
nautical. See how, in the House of Commons, 
he re c ills the manner of speech of Peter Sim- 
plt>t friend, Chucks the boatswain, who, you 
remember, when he was most aggravated, 
talked in most frigidly polite terms." 

After midnight, and all Ihrough the night, 
dr< ariness profound. Welsh Meubeu to the 
fore. But they cm't do the thing as the 
Irish used when JOSEPH GILLIS was &titl with 
us. Member for Mid-Cork came back as a 
bad TANNER proverbially does. Began several 
speeches; always stopped by SPEAKER; 
finally ordered to resume his seat ; obliged to 
obey, but not to be debarred from, crying out 
" Ho I ho I " or " Ha! ha ! " These remarks 
occasionally varied by sharp cry of " N<> ! " 
when Fomeone advanced the anlrmative 
Kept his eje on the SPEAKER all the time, 
ready to bolt in case of re'd. SPEAKER 
ignored his existence. Tbh uniiadest cut of 
all 

" Nice state of things we 're coming to," 
said TANNER, angrily. ' ' SPEAKER won't even 
Buepmi a fellow. Shall chock this up, and 
da the County Council." 

Business done. Naval W.rks Bill read 
third time. 

Tuetday afternoon. JOHN" OF GORST, time- 
honoured Cambridge man, brought in Edu- 
cation Bill. Explained clauses in speech that 
was a model of lucidity. Nothing 1 ft un- 
said, and all said in a few minutes over the 
hour. Speech as adroit in argument as it 
was finished in style. 

" Good gracious I " slid SAHK, who doesn't 
often indulge in the weakness of strong 
language. a Have often heard talk about 
Tories being the stupid Party. It 's a cheap 
sneer; butreally, when I think of howthey've 
wasted their opportunities with JOHN OF 
GORST, I begin to think there's something in 
it. Give JOHN his chance, and he'd show 




THE POETICAL TEMPERAMENT. 

"THERE WERE AT LEAST A THorsAmo BOATS ON THE ROUND POND WHEN I WAS HERB 

IN THE SUMMER, AUNTY SYLVIA, AMD NOW THERE ISN'T ONE ! '' 

"HARDLY A THOUSAND, GEOFFREY i" 

"OH, WELL I EXAGQSRATIXG, QUITS A THOUSAND, YOU KSOW 1 " 



himself what a few have always recognised 
in him one of the deftest, cleverest Parlia- 
mentary Hauls of the day. Bat, somehow or 
other, he's always been shown into aback 
seat." 

There will be good deal of f crambling over 
Bill on second reading and in Committee, but 
as JOHN OF GORST walked up the floor bring- 
ing it in cheering unanimous and hearty. 

Treasury Bench not deceived by this de- 
monstration. Know it was a tribute to the 
man, not a note of approval of the Bill. 

"Yes," eaid WALTER LONG, "we air a 
piling of it up. This Education Bill will of 
itself, with ordinary routine butiness, keep us 
Koing for rest of Session. There is the Irish 
Land Bill to ran with it neck and neck, 
and my modest little measure ordering the 
slaughter of seaborne cattle at the ports 
isn't through Committee yet. All the more 
reason why we should have a holiday, So 



ta-ta ! " and the Minister for Agriculture 
went off humming his favourite refrain 
Go call the cattle home, 

But ere they cross our fields, 
See that with fatal blow 
His axe the butcher wields. 

Busintss done Adjourn till Thureday the 
9.h for E ist< r holidays. 



AN EQUINE PARADOX. Our police- couit 
reporter wishes to know whether, in view of 
a man being described as " a horsey-looking 
t," it would be equally correct to allude 
lady as a " Mary- looking female " P 



gent 
to a 



" 'E WOS WJERY GOOD TO ME HE 

wo3." Prince FERDINAND of Bulgaria eays 
that the SULTAN has never wavered to him 
in kindness. Clearly a case of chert and 
Porte. 



180 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 11, 1896. 




JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(By BABOO HURRY BUNGSHO JABBEBJBB, B.A.) 

No. IX, 

How "he taw the practice of the University Crews, and what he 
thought of it. 

THE notorious Intercollegian Boat-race of this anno Domini will 
be obsolete and ex post facto by the time of publication of the present 
instalment of jots and tittles, still I am sufficiently presumptive to 

think that the cogita- 
tions and personal ex- 
periences of a cultivated, 
thoughtful native gen- 
tleman onthiscoerulean 
topic may not be found 
so stale and dry as the 
remainder of a bit coit. 
First I will make a 
clean bosom with the 
confession that, though 
ardently desirous to 
witness such a Titianio 
struggle for the cordon 
bleu of old Father Antic 
the Thames, I was not 
the actual spectator of 
the affair, being previ- 
ously contracted to escort Miss MANKLKTOW (whose wishfnlness is 
equivalent to legislation) to a theatrical matutinal performance 
which she would in nowise consent to renounce, alleging that she had 
already seen the Boat-race to the verge of tatiety, and that the 
spectacle was instantaneous and paltry. 

However, on acquainting my kind and patronising father, Hon'ble 
Punch, of my disappointment, he did benevolently propose, as a pis 
aller and blind bargain, a voyage in the steam launcnboat of the 
official ooaobmui of one of the crews so that I might ascertain how 
the trick was done. 

And at 10 A.M. on the day of assignation I presented myr elf at the 
riparian premises of a certain Boating Society, and, on exhibiting my 
letter of credit to the Mentor or Gorypheus aforesaid, was received 
if bras ouvertt and with an urbane off handedness. 

After I had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while, 
I was instructed to enter a tkiff, which conveyed me and others to a 
steamship of very meagre dimensions, whereupon, owing to the heel 
of one of my Japan leather shoes becoming implicated in the wire 
railing that circumvented the desk, 1 was embarked in a horizontal 
attitude, and severely deteriorated the tall chimneypot hat which I 
had assumed to do credit to the hon'ble periodical I represented 
(Nota bene. Hatmaker's bill for renovating same, rs. two-and-a- 
half which those to whom it is of concern will please attend to and 
refund.) 

On recovery of my head- gear and equanimity, I stationed myself 
in close proximity to the officiating coach for purpose of being on the 
threshold of inquiries, and proceeded to pop numerous questions to 
my neighbours. I ascertained, among other things, that the vessels 
are called " eights," owing to their containing nine passengers ; that 
the ninth is calkd the " cock,'' and is a mere supernumerary or 
understudent, in case any member of ihe crew should be overcome by 
sickishness during the contest and desire to' discontinue. 

It appears that the race is of religious and ceremonious origin, for 
only good men " are permitted to compete, and none who is a wine 
drunkard, a gluttonous, or addicted to any form of tobacco. More- 
over, they are to observe a strict fast and abstinence for many weeks 
previous to the ordeal. The most prominent ecclesiastics and Judges 
of the Supreme Court are usually chosen from this class of indivi- 
duals, which is a further proof of the sanctimoniousness attached to 
the competition. 

Consequently I was the more surprised at the disrespectful super- 
oUiounes8 of their Fidus Achates or dry nurse, who, stretching 
himself upon his stomach in the prow, did shout counsels of per- 
fection at his receding pnpilp. 

Such criticisms as I overheard seemed to me of a very puerile and 
captious description, and some of an approbrious personality, e.g., as 
when a certain oarman was taunted with being short as though he 
were capable of adding the cubic inch to his stature ! 

Another I heard advised to keep his visual organs in the interior of 
the boat, though, being ordinary optics and not at all of a vitreous 
composition, they could not be removable by volition. Again, a third 
was reproached because of the lateness with which he had made his 
beginning ; but, as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the 
rest, the tardiness of his initiation was surely rather honourable than 
disgraceful 1 

^observed that said trainer did stickle almost prudishly for pro- 
priety, being greatly shocked at the levity with which the rowers 



were attired, and entreating them to keep their buttons well up, 
though indeed I could discern none, nor was there much which was 
humanly possible to ba buttoned. 

For myself, I must make the humble complaint that the Hon'ble 
Coach was defective in courteous attention to my inquisitiveness, 

_l,; ,.U 1. * 4._4_11 1 J Tn__T 13 A T 1 j 




manous, and able to employ their feet in such a manner ; nor whether, 
when he commanded them to " get in at once," he intended them to 
leap into the waters or to return to the landing-place, nor why they 
did neither of these things ; nor why he should express satisfaction 
that a certain rower had got rid of a lofty feather, which would 
indubitably have added to the showiness of his appearance. 

Again, hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a stoppage, I 
was proceeding to explain how gladly I would have given him such 
information, but for the unavoidable absence of my golden chrono- 
meter, owing to the failure of Misters Ton KINS and JOHNSON to 
restore the same, whereupon he treated me in such a "please-go- 
away-and-die " sort of style that I subsided with utmost alacrity. 

Oa the return voyage the Collegiate eight was challenged to a 
sporting match by a scratched crew, which appeared to me to be the 
superior in velocity, though it seemed it was then too late to make 
the happy exchange. 

When the practice was at an end and the Blues in a state of quies- 
oenc, I intimated my desire to harangue them and express my 
wonderment and admiration at beholding them content to suffer such 
hardships and perils and faultfinding without expsstulation or 
excuses for their shortcomings, and all for no pecuniary recom- 
pense, but the evasive reward of a nominis umbra. And I would 
have reminded them of the ex tended 'popularity of their performance, 
and that it was an unfairness to muzzle the ox that treadeth upon 
one's corn, appealing to them to stand up for their rights, and refuse 
to compete excep^for the honorarium of a quid pro quo. 

But the official instructor, seeing me about to climb upon the poop, 
to deliver my oration, entreated me with so much earnestness to desist 
that I became immediately aphonous. 



M.P. EMPTY, OR WHAT IT MAY COME TO. 

(A Hint from the Bench at the service of Possible Candidates for 
Parliament, to be used in the Future.) 

["The expense of this inquiry is really most burdensome. A contested 
election is nothing to the expense of an inquiry like this." Jfr. Baron 
Pollock, March, 1896.] 

ALL was joy. The Newly Elected received congratulations on every 
side. Th* months of toil, the years of rhetoric, had brought their 
reward. No more the doubt of pleasing the majority of the con- 
stituents. No more the fear of a false step on the chosen platform. 
The returning officer had done his work satisfactorily. There had 
been no mistake about the counting. The return had been made. 
The roll had been signed. The right-hand of the Speaker had been 
cordially grasped, and warmly shaken. 

It was at this moment that a knock was heard. The sound came 
from the street door. 

"More friends with further pleasant speeches," murmured the 
Newly Elected. "Well, well, it is delightful to know that my 
happiness is a source of joy to others." 

But, alas I it was no friend who had entered the sanctum of the 
People's Legislator. He was courteous, but distinctly business-like. 
In a few moments he made it clear that the object of his visit was to 
cast a gloom over the happy dream of the hon. gentleman he was 
professionally interviewing. 

" A petition I " exclaimed the Newly Elected. " An inquiry ! " 

The visitor bowed and silently took his departure. 

For a moment the People s Legislator was lost in a brown study. 
Then he came to a determination. He sat down and wrote a short 
letter. He sealed it with a sigh, and handed it to his batter half. 

" You are writing to the Speaker of the House of Commons. Has 
he asked you to a full-dress Parliamentary Dinner ? " 

The Newly Elected smiled sadly and shook his head, then he mur- 
mured, with a voice broken with emotion, " It is better as it is." 

11 What is better as it is ? " was the question. 

Then came the reply. 

' ' That I should retire at once. That I should relinquish my career 
as a legislator. That I should cease to be the chosen representative 
of the People. Yes, yes, it is wiser that I should accept the Chiltern 
Hundreds to save the balance at my bankers than to retain Parlia- 
mentary honours at the cost of a conceivable invitation to appear in 
Portugal Street ! " 

SUGGESTED NAME FOB A BEEH SHEWED SOLELY FEOM MALT AND 
HOPS.- Quilter. 



APRIL 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



181 




THE GftEY MARE. 

"I WISH I KNEW WHAT MRS. RODNEY BLUEHOSE THINKS OF MY 
NEW BOOK. I HARDLY LIKE TO ASK HIR 1" 

"AsK MB. RODNEY BLUEHOSE WHAT HI THINKS OF IT." 

" POOH I WHO CARXS WHAT MB. RODNEY BLUEHOSE THINKS ABOUT 
ANYTBIKO!" 

"Ex AC FLY. AND YET, AS I HAPPBN TO KNOW THAT HE ALWAYS 

THINKS JTST WHAT HIS WlFE TELLS HIM TO THINK, AND PASSES IP 
OFF -AS HIS OWN WBY, THERE YOU ABE, DON'TCHEHKNOW 1 " 



BOUNDABOUT READINGS. 

CHILDREN'S BOOKS. 

IN Ihe New Review for ihis month Mr. F. ANSTEY discourses plea- 
santly on " An Old-fashioned Children's Book," namely, The Fair- 
child Family, written by Mrs. SHERWOOD, and published so long 
ago as 1818. The Fairchild Family comists of a layer of childish 
scrapes and adventures sandwiched between thick slabs of pious 
allusions, and spotted, like a currant cake (the simile cannot offend), 
with lexte. Never were parents so prompt as the Fairchild couple to 
improve the mott trivial occasion, and never were < hildren so deter- 
mined in dragging in the prospect of "hell, the place which burns 
for ever with fire and brimstone," as a punishment for the very least 
deviation from the narrow path of correct behaviour. 

MB.. ANSTEY accounts for the popularity of The Fairchild Family 
on several grounds. He is disposed to think that a great many 
children have a natural sympathy with priggishness, and that to 
others it must have afforded unholy joy to hear of the hot wat< r the 
gocd children were constantly getting into. Moreover, as he points 
out, " throughout the book various good things to eat are chronicled 
with much feeling," and there are plenty of funerals and death-bed 
scenes, both of which, as is well known, have a curious fascination 
for childish or uninstructed minds. These reasons may account for 
something, but I think Mr. ANSTEY gets nearer to the real causa 
causans 01 the popularity c.f The Fairchild Family when he savs 
"there are many incidental stories, all moral, but none absolutely 
uninteresting, and some ingenious and pretty. And finally, the 
story is really well-written in its eld-fashioned way, and has a 
sincerity and earnestness that would go far to keep many a worse 
book alive." 



THERE you have it. Incidental stories will help to keep almost 
any book popular amongst children. They enjoy nothing more than 
being whisked suddenly off the _ beaten treck of their story into an 
entirely new region peopled with fresh inhabitants. Their little 
excursion over, they came back with renewed zest to the old familiar 
region, and the accustomed faces of the main plot. And above all 
things, good writing, sound, clear, straightforward, and graphic, 
but never precious or affected, is essential, if boys or girls are really 
to be interested in a book. They know nothing of the rules of 
criticism, and probably as little of the laws of grammar and composi- 
tion, but in their own unconscious way they are the soundest of 
critics, and an ill-written, ill- constructed book has not the remotest 
chance of ever being widely popular amongst children. 

PRIGGISHNESS in fiction certainly doesn't disgust children. For 
one thing, I ana inclined to think that children never quite reach 
that pitch of imagination by which adults convince themselves that 
fictitious characters are actual flesh and blood. Children look upon 
fiction as a sort of game, and in the main they are content that the 
author should set up and clothe his own characters, and make them 
talk and act in whatever way seems best to him, even when that way 
lies entirely apart from the experience of his little readers. They 
want to be interested, and, if the author satisfies them in that 
respect, they scoept without a murmur eccentricities which in real 
life would frighten or repel them. I never read The History of the 
Fairchild Family myself, but I did at a very early age read and 
enjoy most thoroughly The Swiss Family Robinson those immortal, 
outrageous, platitudinous prigs. Their priggi&hness did not in the 
least appal me ; if I was conscious of it (which I doubt) I accepted it 
as part of the convention laid down by the author, and hurried on 
breathlessly to discover how these solitary Swiss sufferers by ship- 
wreck would extricate themselves from their innumerable difficulties. 
And Sandford and Merton I read with unbounded zest, principally 
on account of the incidental stories with which that excellent Dook 
is encrusted. I don't think I objected much to Mr. Barlow. He 
was not in the least like my own tutor of those early days, a breezy, 
hearty Cambridge man, who first guided my trembling footsteps 
through the mazes of Latin grammar and taught me not to stumble 
over vulgar fractions ; but if there had to be a tutor in Sandford 
and Merton, Mr. Barlow, I thought, did as well as anybody else for 
the place ; and after all it was the author, and not I, who had made 
him. I wasn't responsible for him. 

ALL attempts to teach children to be good or religious or theologi- 
cally dogmatic by means of fiction are foredoomed to failure for the 
reasons I have stated. Fiction being a game to children, it is im- 
possible for them to apply what they read in stories to the serious 
purpose of their little lives. All the ^purposeful goodness or religion 
in a story just glides off their hacks : if there is a story they enjoy it, 
ard, as a matter of fact, they don't trouble their heads for a moment 
with religious discussions or conversations about Heaven and the 
other place which may have been embroidered into it by the sanguine 
but deluded author. So with Gulliver's Travels. SWIFT'S master- 
piece owes its wonderful and extensive popularity as much to the 
interest that youngsters take in its marvels as to any delight fx- 
perienced by their elders in its biting satire. Even the Big-endians 
are accepted as part of Ihe convention, and no boy that I ever heard 
of troubles to apply the moral to politics even if he knows what 
politics mean. It is a fie e piece of satire in itself that the gloomy 
Dean's highest effort in satire should have afforded simple delight to 
generation after generation of young folk incapable of satire. 

I HABDLY know what boys most care to read nowadays. A little 
fellow of ten, who is now staying with me, is deep in The Prisoner 
of Zenda, having lately finished Huckleberry Finn. In a day or two 
he intends to tackle Battles of the Nineteenth Century a, grand 
book for boys, lately published by Messrs. CASSELL. Do boys still 
rea d MABJBYAT ? Never can I forget the early j oys of Peter Simple and 
Midshipman Easy, the gloomy but fascinating terrors of The Dog- 
Fiend, and the haunting mystery of The Phantom Ship. I read 
them all again, and with a fresh delight, not a year ago. BALLAN- 
TYNE, too, was a friend of my boyhood, as HENTY is a friend to the 
young generation of to-day, which reminds me that every work by 
Mr. HENTY is on the shelves of the small friend of whom I have 
spoken. Little boys, I think, are neither prigs nor lovers of priggish- 
ness. They like a gallant, breezy heroism, undaunted by dangers, 
and unscathed in the midst of the thunderbolts of war. About little 
girls I am not EO sure, Quite early in their lives they pass through 
a preternaturally serious phase, when, weighted with innumerable 
dolls, they assume the responsibilities and the airs of motherhood, 
and are apt to rebuke little brothers for naughtiness. Yes, I think 
little girls are sometimes priglets darling, but still undeniable, little 
priglets. 

DEFINITION. " The Present Day," i.e., My Birthday. 



VOL. ex. 



182 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[APRIL 18, 1896, 




THE ENRAGED HOUSEHOLDER." 

(Tide recent Letters in " Times " on Street Noises.) 



APBIB 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



183 




UNWILLING 10 GIVK UP HOUSES ALTOGETHER, CAP IAIN PEL HAM EFFECTED A COMPROMISE. His FIRST Ar PEA RANGE IN THB PAEK 

CREATED QUITK A 8BNSATION. 



OWED TO THE MOON. 

SWEAB not by the moon, the inconstant moon ! " said poor love- 
Juliet. echoing blindly the anti-lnnar prejudices of poets and other 
lunatics. 1 The moon is now avenged. Mr. CLEMENTS, the great weather- 
prophet,|efoes swear by the moon. In his earlier attempts at vaticina- 
tion he was thrown out, owing to "neglecting the moon." Luna took 
her revenge by " throwing out" his calculations. Now Mr. CLEMENTS 
has conciliated the moon by "making a study of her" ; and she has 
done for him, what neither the sun or the planets would or could do, 
namely, enabled him to foretell the weather for long years ahead, 
" within say eight or ten per cent, of correctness." To be sure slight 
discrepancies and delay, "due to the overlapping of the corresponding 
day of the past with the predicted day," may occasionally occur, and 
upset the!? practical arrangements based upon moon-guided prog- 
nostications. But what of that? If CLEMENTS and the moon- 
prophesy that it will be fine to-morrow (when you are going to be 
married) and it is not fine until the next dav, owing simply to 
"^ surface discrepancies," you needn't blame the Birry Road seer and 
his familiar satellite for so slight an trror as that. It will be fine, 
sooner or later, and if a weather-prophet's prophecy it ultimately 
fulfilled, why quibble about a "discrepancy" of twelve hours, or 
even twenty-four ? What is eight or even ten per cent, of error in 
such epoch-making estimates as those of Mr. CLEMENTS and the moon ? 

0, swear not at the mocn, the inconstant moon, 

Who to our prophet is a blessed boon 

For she, and Mr. CLEMENTS linked together, 

Will tell you all about forthcoming weather. 

She " monthly changes in her circled orb," 

But let the study of her ways absorb 

You, as it does the setr of Barry Road, 

And a new Ode to Luna will be owed. 

For, like a sporting tipster, she, no doubt, 

Will prove " upon the spot "or thereabout. 

Just trust to her and Mr. C. together, 

And you may always hope for CLEMENT(S) weather 



Mono FOE DisimjTE ALIENS. " Give me neither poverty nor 
RITCHIES I " 



LIGHT IN EGYPTIAN DARKNESS. 

(Extracted from the Chamberlain Sphinx.) 

OTJB policy 's dark, do you venture to say P 

You cannot perceive what we mean ? 
"Well, you must be aware that the new RONTGEN ray 

Is light though it cannot be seen ! 
And so with our plan on the banks of the Si'e, 

Which is let us say our " x ray." 
You just wait a bit you will find it worth \ bile 

The result will be clear as the day. 
A tentative thing is our Soudan advance, 

But if it should meet with defeat 
(At the hands of the Rads, or the Mahdi, or France), 

We' can then try a sudden retreat ! 



FROM AN OLD CONSERVATIVE. " I see there is a Commons Pre- 
servation Society. Why not a Lords Preservation Society ? There 
may be one, for aught I know, but I live away in the country, and 
conserve myself to myself. Yours, 

BABBLEBROKE OP GREINFJELDS." 

QUITE THE APPROPRIATE PLACE. It is proposed to start " A 
Smack Boys' Home" at Birohington. Excellent I Gratifying to 
the shade of " Ingoldsby." But whither shall the smack boys go 
for their " whaokation^? 

Paradoxical. 
IT does, indeed, seem singularly strange 

That people pertinaciously prating 
Against Board Schools are anxious to ariange 

That all schools now should be exempt from "rating." 



REMABKABLE DOMESTICITY OF THE "INCANDESCENT LIGHT." 
It is very steady. It never goes out. 

RACING NOTES. Demi- semi quavers. 



18 1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 18, 1896. 




" SAME IDEA ONLY ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT." 

First Swell. "How ARK Totr TO-DAY, OLD BOY!" 

Second Swell. "ONLY MIDDLING. GOT A JOLLY GOOD COLD I" 

First Swell. "THAT ALL! DOOSED LUCKY, OLD FELLAH, YOU HAVEN'T GOT A WRETCHED 

BAD ONE 1 " 



'ARRY ON SPRING-TIME AND SPORT. 

DEAR CHARLIE, The trees is all blobby wth 

buds and a-bustin' out green ; 
Good old Easter is over and gone, and the 

early Spring fashions is seen. 
Mother Nature, like most other females, is 

'aving a bran-new rig-out, 
And my winter "Immensikoff " now can with 

safety be put up the spout. 

We ain't 'ad not no winter to speak of ; no 
snow, and no pipes on the bust. 

The Water Cos. last year wot flummoxed ; 
but now they feel O.K., I trust. 

With them plaguey Progressives knocked out, 
and the good old Conservatives in, 



Beer and Water are both at their ease, and 
so likeways are Pulpit and Tin. 

Oh, lor! wot a comfort it is to 'ave thiogs 

right side upparda once more ! 
" 'Oly calm," as dear DJZZY once called it. I 

never 'ave felt it before 
Not like I do now, dear old man ; but since 

ROSEBERY'S gang got the sack, 
I 'ave been like a bee on a blossom, with 'oly 

calm all up my back. 

Wuth living f or.'ain't it, old hoyster P ^ I sits 

at our Union Club, 
Wieh combines patriotic True-Blueness with 

all the delights of a pub. 
And I thinks of that Hundred and Fifty as 

follows dear ARTHUR and JOE, 



Till wot with Spring feelings and Sootoh, I 
declare I feel all of a glow. 

In the Spring as some poet remarks young 
men's fancies do seem on the tarn 

To love and to general lumminess. Senti- 
ment's slop as /spurn, 

But somehow the lime-leaves and laylocks, 
laburnums and purple-topped flags, 

Stirs somethink within me as means a day oft' 
and a new pair o' bags. 

My boss 'as no poetry in 'im, wus luck, and 

my tailor's the same. 
But Easter comes most aprypo to a chap as 

would keep up the game. 
Bosses can't do away with Cross Bun Day 

thanks be ! and a bit of a spin 
From Thursday to Tuesday, is yum-yum, 

old man, just as Spring-time comes in. 

I mounted my bike this last 'oliday. Tell 

you, dear boy, I 'm a dab 
At the Safety by this time. It's proper ! A 

toil' as can tool 'is own oab. 
Or a gent on 'is 'ack ain't no freer nor more 

hindependent than me 
When I fling my leg over the saddle and 

treadle away tords the sea. 

The bike, mate, like cigarette-smoking, is 

levelling class, ah ! and sex. 
When Princesses pedal, and Hempresses 

whiff, there are prigs it may vex ; 
Bat biking and bacca, like love, are per- 

miskus, and don't dror no line ; 
And the Dachess FUMFUDGE on 'er wheel 

ain't no 'appier than me upon mine. 

I know lots o' littery parties now freeza oa 

to cycling like fan. 
A Society star, as I 've met on the Healing 

Road, out for a run 
Mister SAMUEL BONE is 'is name I 'ave 'eard, 

though I don't know the gent 
On 'is wheel, with 'is boy at 'is back, is a 

picture of crimson content. 

I once used to meet 'im on 'orseback, a lar 

Johnny Gilpin, you know, 
All elbers and knees ; but, Jimimer I e 's gi v j 

that the chuck 1 ong ago, 
And now bikes, a reglar fair buster. 'E 

is " a dead open and shut/' 
As the Yankees remark ; and I envy 'is style, 

and 'is pace, and 'is cut. 

With 'is 'appy fat smile, and fine calves, and 

'is changes of rippin' rig-out, 
As my pocket won't run to, dear boy, 'e's 

as jolly as jam, I 've no doubt. 
If there 's one man in London I envy it 's 'im 

I am free for to own ; 
And I'm told 'e's a genius, too; so 'ere 's 

bully for Mister SAM BONE 1 

When swell parties like 'im and 'is pals take 

up biking all galliant and free, 
Can you wonder the game 'as its charms for a 

bit o' good metal like Me ? 
I am thinking of writing a book called, A 

Bhoy on a Bike. Once afloat 
I am told by a printer I know it will run 

like Three Men in a Boat. 

Ah I more so, I shouldn't arf wonder, for 

everyone bikes in these days, 
And it's only old fogies and frumps cook 

their nose at the sport as " a craze." 
A craze, my dear boy, is a popular game you 

ain't in, or don't like ; 
And it 's that 's wy old crocks and fat dowdies 

are dreadfully down on the bike. 

Don't they wish they wos in it, my pippin, 
old boys with no bellows or shanks. 

And mouldy old miwies too hugly for 
knickers and pretty-girl pranks ? 



APRIL 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



185 



I'd a race on the road t'other day with a 
p/xrty young thing in serge blue, 

And if I was not lickea, percisely, I 'ad to do 
all as /knew. 

It was bellows to mend with the pair on us 

when we pulled up at a pub. 
Sez I, " Hatty Lanter ain't in it with you, 

Miss ! " (The name of 'er club 
Called after a great Greek girl runner, I 'm 

told.) " Ah, Milanion," sez she, 
" If I 'adn't been munching some happles at 

lunch well, next time we shall see I " 

"Wy she called me that name I 've no notion. 

But if Mrs. Grundy 'ad seen 
Us downing that 'ill neck and neck, the old 

trot would 'a' simply turned green. 
Not womanly? No, but it's girlish, and 

bully for girlhood, say I. 
They are doing some sports out in Greece, I 

am told. Will Greek girls 'ave a shy ? 

"Wy not ? If you Ve been to Olympia, and 

seen the she-cyclists at work, 
The GBACES, and GAMBLEYS, and PAIL- 

LIABDES, Great Seott! you must be a 

old Turk 
To turn on the vinegar- cruet. In epite of all 

Partington squeals, 
And Grundyish grumbles, the world must 

make way for the Woman on Wheels I 

So among " Spring's Delights " now with me, 

mate, my Safety is one o' the fust. 
I am teaching my best girl to pedal. She '11 

turn out a scorcher, I trust ; 
And when she 'a ho fay I shall bring 'er to 

see you. My tandem will carry 
Though she ain't no light weight my 

KITTY, and yours tollolbobbishly, 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

UP till now I thought that the patent for 
writing genuinely stirring romance, such as 
the gallant Knight of the Brush, Sir JOHN 
GILBERT, would love to illustrate, had been 
acquired by Messrs. "Q," HAGGABD, HALL 
CAINE, ANTHONY HOPE, FBANK BABBETT & 
Co., limited, but now I find an opposition 
firm started by A. E. W. MASON, whose 
Courtship of Morrice Buckler, published 
by MACMHLAN & Co., is a most fascinating 
story of this class. Not only is it full of plot 
and counterplot, not only is its hero as 
original as any recently invented hero can 
possibly be, but there is a closely woven 
thread of details, every one of which is abso- 
lutely essential to the artistic design. So in 
the construction, though there be clouds of 
dust raised, yet is there no one figure in the 
tourbillon that does not fill its place of set 
purpose; and in the dialogue, no scrap of 
conversation without its definite object, nor, 
in the action, is there a single movement 
without its proper destination. The motive 
of the^ hero is, in one sense, of the noblest 
kind, insomuch that it represents the spec- 
tacle of the highest form of manly devotion, 
namely, risking life for the purpose of re- 
venging the death of a friend, and so punish- 
ing one who had been to all intents and pur- 
poses a cowardly assassin. There is one cir- 
cumstance, an initial one, which, had the 
author taken advantage of his own inge- 
nuity, would have intensified the interest 
throughout in a most remarkable manner. 
This will remain the Baron's secret, which, 
as title (The Baron's Secret, is it not a good 
one ?V the present scribe doth "herewith," 
and ''hereby," with all the " neverthelesses," 
" notwithstandings," and " all-to-the-con- 
traries " possible, register and appropriate to 
his own particular use. It is an omission 
which goes near to spoiling the character of 




Small Voice from under the Bid. "No, I WILL NOT COME OUT 1 
FOB ALL, BEBNBSIA, I WILL BE MASTER IN MY OWN HOUSE I " 



I TELL YOU, ONCE AND 



the brave but ill-fated Julian, who appears 
For a brief span on this stage and then is 
beard no more. Yet on Julian's last moments 
depends the whole sequence of events. Per- 
haps the curiosity of my readers will be 
aroused by this inuendo. Be this as it may, 
if this my hint will increase the number of 
readers, they will, unless gratitude be extinct, 
thank me for my strong recommendation as to 
the excellent entertainment provided for them 
in The Courtship of Morrice Buckler. 

If H. G. WELLS, whilst writing The Island 
of Dr. Moreau, had only preserved the 
courage of his original idea, he might have 
produced a romance out-Haggarding HAG- 
GABD, and relegating Zanoni and the Yril " 
people to keep company with Lemuel Gul- 
liver, Ferdinand Count Fathom, and Co., 
in the shades of the Almost Forgotten Ones. 
But after going through two-thirds of his 
uncanny tale, the author, apparently satisfied 
so far with his undoubted success in producing 
such grotesque and fantastic effects as could 



be only attributed to a training course of 
heavy suppers and a superficial study of 
anatomical subjects, resulting in dream-fits 
of violent indigestion, became frightened by 
his own monsters, and thought MB best course 
would be to announce to his readers that he 
had " only been purtendin' all along," and 
that these awful creatures of his imagination 
were in reality only intended to represent the 
stupidity, selfishness, sensuality, and all the 
lower qualities of animal man ; and that, in 
fact, the whole story, from beginning to end, 
was a parable, and not the true record sup- 
posed to have been made by the uncle of 
Charles Edward Prendrick, and subse- 
quently published, for the benefit of society 
and science, by his enterprising nephew. 
When the author himself shows you how 
it 's done," there is an end of the mystery, 
the interest in the tale is dead, and the author 
in giving himself away causes the reader to 
regret ever having taken him at his own 
valuation. THE BABON. 



186 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APBIL 18, 1896. 




A DECLARATION INDEED! 

" AVFZ-VOTTS QtJElQtnBOHOSB A DfcOLABIB, MADAME I" "OH, WBB I JE DECLAB QUB NOOS AVONO PAIBDKW TOO NO BAGGABQE I" 



"WHAT WE ABE COMING TO NEXT." 

WK understand that, after the Early Closing Bill has been passed, 
another measure, entitled the Household Regulation Act, will 
become law. The following; is a rough precis of its chief clauses : 

(I.) At 5 A.M. in summer, and 5 30 A.M. in winter, the House- 
holder is required to see that all his servants [* in making return, 
state one or none] have risen from their beds. 8honM the Inspector 
of Morals on duty report that the kitchen fire has not been lighted 
by 6 A.M., he will if sue a summons against the Householder. 

(II.) By 9 A.M. the Householder must have all breakfast-tables 
cleared, and the oookingof eggs and bacon, kidneys, bloaters, haddocks, 
and other dishes, is expressly forbidden after that hour. No daily 
papers must be received after 8 A.M. Sunday journals are forbidden. 
Under this clause the Inspector may, for any infringement of the 
rule, claim a penalty not exceeding 20. 

(III.) Partial weekly cleanings are permissible between the 
hours of 11 A.M. and 2 P.M., but no general cleaning of the House- 
holder's premises may occur save on the days allowed by this Act, to 
wit: January 2, April 1, June 19, and October 17. Should such 
date (or dates) fall on a Sunday, the previous Saturday will be taken 
as the official day of observance. The Inspector is authorised to enter 
the house (or chambers, or flat) on all such occasions. Penalties 
vary from 1 to 100. 

(IV.) Unless the Householder can prove an income exceeding 600 
per annum, no late dinner shall be permitted in his establishment. 
Meat-tea or supper (the bill of fare of which must be supplied on de- 
mand to the Inspector) can in no case be permitted after 6.30 P.M. 
Oysters, turtle soup, and champagne are absolutely denied to persons 
who are unable to certify to an annual expenditure of 400 or upwards 
in indirect taxation. Hot luncheons (hashes, resurrection pies, minced 
(cold) meat, and previously cooked vegetables being exempted) are 
forbidden. Fines for each and every infringement of this regulation 
may be ascertained by the schedule supplied to all Inspectors, who 
are authorised, in the execution of their duty, to taste dishes, as 
occasion may require. 

(V.) The Householder must transmit to the Inspector, without 
demand, answers to the following inquiries : 



(a) Who is your wine merchant, and what is your monthly account 
for liquor supplied? [* This need not include soda and mineral 
waters, but must comprise bitters, such as peach, orange, aid 
Angostura.] 

(o) Give the names of your baker, greengrocer, butcher, grocer, 
ironmonger, farrier, oorndealer, newsagent, stockbroker (if any), 
medical adviser, tailor or milliner (or both), bootmaker, coach- 
builder, cycle manufacturer, tobacconist, fishmonger, musical instiu- 
ment maker, haberdasher, washerwoman, cheesemonger, muffin-man, 
dairy-keeper, and solicitor. 

(e) State rent of premises [* if a freeholder, title must be proved], 
and age of landlord [or landlady, or executors, or trustees]. 

(d) Furnish marriage certificates of yourself and wife (or husband), 
father and mother, grandfather and grandmother (paternal and 
maternal), alto certificates of birth, vaccination, and school progress 
of your children. [* If a bachelor (or tpinster) claim stamped exemp- 
tion (fee 2) under the Non-responsibility clause. Cap. 209. } 

( VI. ) The Householder is required to verify to the satisfaction of 1 he 
Inspector the extinction of all lights on his premises by the hour of 
10 P.M., grace of fifteen minutes oeirg allowed in oases of visits to 
places of amusement, for which special permits (issued monthly, and 
available only on one occasion) will be made by the Inspector on pay- 
ment of the following fees per head : Opera 5*., theatre (light) 2s. 6., 
ditto (serious) Is,, and music halls 10s. In event of the Householder 
neglecting to carry out the law with regard to the extinction of 
lights, he is liable to imprisonment without the option of a fine, at 
the discretion of the Inspector. 

PLEASUBES, PAINS, AND PENALTIES. In the Daily Telegraph 
there appeared three separate paragraphs under the heading 
" Bicycle Accidents." It is to be hoped that, for the benefit of the 
" Common- Wheel," sufficient material may not be forthcoming to 
warrant the daily appearance of such a column. Anyway, this will 
give bicyclists a shake all round. 

A VEBY WATBBT MEASURE. The Raines Bill, as inforced in the 
city of New York. 



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APRIL 18 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



189 



THAT GAME OF COLF.-I. 

POFFLKS said I must learn golf, 
life was not worth living 1 without 
golf ; my liver was sluggish, ac- 
cording to POFFLES, I was alto- 
gether too fat, and, in fact, 
nothing but a course of golf 
would cure it. 

One fine day, when we had 
been discussing the matter for 
the fiftieth time, and I had ex- 
hausted my entire stock of argu- 
ments against POFFLES' 8 proposal, 
I feebly remarked that you 
couldn't play golf without 
"sticks," and as I hadn't any 
sticks, that ended the matter 
once and for all. POFFLES, how- 
ever, was not to be so easily 
beaten, and that same afternoon, 
under some pretence, I was be- 
guiled unexpectedly into the 
presence of a polite gentleman 
whose business it was to provide 
players with the necessary 
weapons for the i rosecution of 
"the" game. Once inside the 
shop, POFFLES and his professional 
friend proceeded, in spite of all 
remonstrances on my part, to 
supply me (at my own expense) 
with an outfit of " clubs," as they 
called them, to enable me to learn 
the game at the shortest possible 
notice. 

I really can't remember the 
names of all the awful instru- 
ments I purchased at that shop. 
They were all so new and nice 
that, after a time, I was quite 
interested, swinging the clubs in 
the most vicious way, to the 
manifest disturbance of POFFLES, 
who nearly got his head broken 
with a thing they called a " patent 
mid-spoon brassey bulger" ! Then 
I purchased several " irons " and 
"drivers," two or three "cleeks," 
and a thing called a " mashie " or 
"niblick" or something. I did 
like that "niblick" it was a 
real powerful club it reminded 
me of a battle-axe, I felt I could 
" rely " on it all the time. 

Well, after a time POFFLES got 
me away not without the clubs, 
which I insisted on taking home 
to show my wife, MAKIA, and we 
arranged to go down to Ranelagh 
(POFFLES belongs to Ranelagh) 
and have a quiet game next day, 
Saturday. On returning home, I 
practised in the drawing-room 
with the clubs, as POFFLES said 
I must get into the right 
"swing." That "swing" cer- 
tainly turned out expensive, as 
during my practice I not only 
managed to clear the cabinet of 
several of MAEIA'S be&t wedding 
presents, but I also scooped a piece out of the carpet with the "niblick," 
which, to say the least of it, was unfortunate. While I was trying to 
glue the piece of carpet down again, MAKIA came in suddenly and said 
unpleasantthmgs of a very strong description. I felt very annoyed with 
MABIA, but then women are always so unreasonable, and MAKIA never 
could sympathise with anything I wanted to do out of the common. 
When I put it to her in this way she retorted, " If you want to swing 
sticks about do it ' on the common.' " She thought this sharp. So 
aid I : but I didn't say so. I only observed that it was not my fault 
it the drawing-room was the only room large enough to " swing" in. 

The next day we went down to Eanelagh. POFFLES appeared in a 
most remarkable costume, which certainly didn't add to his personal 
appearance. He had a large wide-awake hat of a description 
?u- op v y BirF FALo BILL in his great scalp-hunting operations. To 
this he addtd a brilliant red coat with brass buttons, a flannel shirt, 



SOMETHING JAPANESE. 

FLIRTING WITH THEIR FANS. 




EH? 




OH 1 1 1 1 



knickers, and a pair of stockings 
with a pattern on them that re- 
minded me of SHOCK'S fireworks. 
Then his boots were something to 
be remembered, and a pair of 
yellow spats didn't improve them 
at all. Altogether he seemed to 
me to be a kind of cross between 
a Texan cow-boy and a South Sea 
Pirate. I thought there ought 
to be something wonderful in 
POFFLES' play to justify that 
costume, but subsequent events 
didn't exactly prove it. 

We had lunch first in the room 
which had been decorated so be- 
comingly in green, to be in keep- 
ing, no doubt, with the other 
"green," and then we made a 
start. I had so many clubs that 
POFFLES said I had better have 
two "caddies" to carry them; I 
couldn't make up my mind to 
part with any of them, as I was 
quite sure I should want them all. 

Then, just as we were going to 
begin, a friend of POFFLES came 
up, named SLOGTTM, and said he 
would like to join us, so we de- 
cided to have a " three-some," as 
POFFLES called it. After that 
came the trouble. Of which I 
will tell you in my next. 



OUT OF SCHOOL. 

DEAB MR. PUNCH, The chaps 
at our place always look upon you 
as our great friend. We all take 
you in. At least, one of our fellows 
buys your paper, in which is all the 
wit and wisdom of the world, and 
none of your horrid Greek, Latin, 
and other " preserved tongues." 
About me is no "Familiarity which 
breeds contempt," as SHAKSPEABE 
(or some one) says. You will be 
surprised at my knowing that 
quotation. It comes of trying to 
floor our holiday task. Such a 
beastly shame I This is how I 
have answered the paper, which 
is headed "General Intelligence." 
Here is the first question : 
" What kind of books do you like 
best; give reasons for preference." 
Answer. I like school books 
best. My reason for preferring 
them to novels is that they in- 
struct me, and my progress is 
pleasing to my parents and to the 
credit of my pastors and masters. 
That ought to satisfy them. 
Here 's number two. " What 
would you like to be in after life ; 
give full reasons for your answer." 
Answer. After life I should like 
to be an angel. The full reason 
for this reply is surely unneces- 
sary. What else could I wish P 

Had them there I Here's ano- 
ther : " A man blows his tea to make it cool, and blows his hands 
to make them warm explain this seemingly funny proceeding." 

Answer. Because he must blow something. When he has nothing 
else to blow he blows his nose. 

And now for the last I attempted :" Where do you get your 
sugar, salt, mustard, and vinegar, and what arejthey ? " 

Answer. I get my sugar, salt, mustard, and vinegar from my dear 
parents, and am told (by them) that they are paid for. 

If that doesn't get me a reputation for filial devotion and simple 
credulity (I have looked those words out in the dictionary), call me a 
Dutchman ! 

But do protest against holiday tasks in play-time, there's a good 
chap. And now I can't write any more rot, as I am off to spend the 
ten shillings my Uncle CHARLES gave me for necessaries at the tuck 



shop. 



Your sincere friend, 



SMITH Moron. 



190 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



[APRIL 18, 1896. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. 



duty beat the Protestant dram with the office btamp, and publicly 
prayed for the conversion of the parish priest. His name was 
SIMPSON, so they out his hair and translated him to Protestant 
Ulster. Corporal HANBITBY spasmodically passed his hand over his 
House of Commons, Thursday t April 9. What Corporal HAN- i brow as he thought of what only a year ago he would have said on 
BURY suffered throughout the watches of this night no tongue can this case. Now he had to defend the DELTT.A n of the Post Office, 
tell. House reopened after Easter Holidays. Civil Service Ksti- ! Then there was PICKEBSGILL wanting to know why deaf mutes 
mates, as usual, taken, hoping that, in absence of Members still are not utilised as postmasters in rural parishes ; OSBOBNE MOHGAW 
making holiday, a lot might be run through. Only a short year protesting against official recognition in the Pottal Guide of Welsh 
ago Private HAN IIURY, supported by Cap'en TOM MY, .buttressed on places by Saxon nicknames ; HENNI KER-HEATON, hot, as he told a 



other side by the Blameless 
BABTLEY, had high old time. 
In accordance with custom 
he and they made point of 
being in their place punc- 
tually on resumption of sit- 
tings. Financial Secretary 
to Treasury, glancing round 
scantily filled benches, eyes 
glistening with hope at pros- ' 
peot of running through 
pock ets-f ull of votes, changed 
countenance as his glance 
fell upon the three priva- 
teers opposite on second 
bench above Gangway. 

Knew what was in store 
from them; never disap- 
pointed. Private HANBCBY 
made prodigious speeches on 
every vote. When discus- 
sion thus raised languished, 
Cap'en TOMMY, nailing his 
trysails to the jibboom, 
loffed, bore down, and fired 
a broadside that filled the 
House with smoke and the 
Minister in charge of the 
vote with mortification. 
Again sky cleared ; conver- 
sation drooped ; Chairman Mr ^ Himburu ^ na)tc i a i Secretary to the Treasury) to Mr. Hanburv (the representative v v- t AT 
rose to put question that rfthe fogt ^ ce in the Heuge of C ommo*). " Money for the Post Office, dear boy ; cer- ? ut to 8 m *> w h ^. em - 
vote be agreed urxn, when tainly, always delighted to oblige YOU." t> er8 reluctantly did. Gen- 
the Blameless BABTLEY, < lte Treasury exer ciBed control over Post Office expenditure, and it wa therefore an {l m l b elow Gangway, 
Hushing like the harvest advantage to the Post Office to be directly represented by a Treasury official in that having nothing else to divide 
moon, discovered on his feet House." Mr. Jfanbury's Speech, April 9. upon, took division on mo- 
wanting to know, you know. tion to adjourn. Ministerial 

Ah, me I the days that are no more. To-night HANBUBY, private \ majority omnipotent here aa elsewhere. Motion to adiouin carried 
no longer, but full corporal, with hope of further promotion, sits by 95 to 29. Eviction forthwith carried out. Passers-by Palace 
alone on Treasury Bench in charge of those very estimates whose Yard at half-past ten surprised to find JOHN BUBNS, LLOYD-GEOBGE. 
passage he used to obstruct. Cap'en TOMMY'S hammock empty. Dr. TANNEB, DAIZIEL, and the Boy AILEN (not to be confounded 
Blameless B., one of the gems the dark, unfathomed caves of ocean with the Man ALLAN) earnped out amid the sticks and stcnes of their 
bear, blmhes elsewhere unseen. Others take their places; ALBERT furniture in shape of rejected Amendments. 

ROLLIT with his pragmatical postman, who at the General E lee inn "A pretty state <f things we're coming to," said JOHN BURNS, 
didn't care for Trojan or Tyrean, but would vote for the man who gleomily. "Butiness all over by ten o'clock; shutters up at half- 
pronoiged to kncck off an hour firom his day's work and nail on a past. Always been in favour of early- closing movement, but didn't 
shilling's pay; ABNOLD-FOBSTEH with his Orange Postmaster, a mean to have it apply to the Westminster Stores." 
shining light in Catholic Sligo, who in the intervals of professional Business done. Votes in Supply by wholesale. 




sympathetic Committee, 
from travel night and day 
a thousand miles, arriving 
only just in time to deliver 
(with extra penny stamp for 
late fte) his familiar speech. 

These and others filled the 
air with murmur of multi- 
tude of words Corporal HAN- 
BTJBY would have uttered 
had he still been Private. 

"Ah, TOBY," he said, 
when relief came with mid- 
night, " you tee the stripes 
on my arm that proclaim 
my rank. Happily for the 
peace of your kind mind you 
cannot see the stripes that 
lacerate my heart on a night 
like this." 

Business done. Post 
Office Yote worried through. 

Friday. Another night 
in Committee of Supply. 
Attendance small and, in 
accordance with practice in 
such oircumsl ances, yield of 
votes large. By ten o'clock all 
estimates put down for sit- 
ting got through. No more 
work to do. Nothing for it 



THE UNWILLING GUEST. 

(A Telegraphic Comedy.) 

(1) From J. C., London, to JP. K. t Pretoria. Everything ar- 
ranged. When may we expect ycku ? 

(2) P. K. to J. C. What is tbp cost of the journey third class? 

(3) J. C. to P. K. Never mind cost. Guarantee all expenses, 
and UP e of Queen's ship. 

(4) P. K. to J. C. What absut lodgings? Landlady must be 
moderate and certified respc ctable. Hymn-singer preferred. 

(5) J. C. to P. K. You can have Buckingham Palaoe. C-BTN-Y 
shall arrange hymns. But do hurry up. 

(6) P. K. to J. C. Hear that J-M-S-N and friends will be in 
London. Don't want to meet them. 

^7) J. C. to P. .ST. Pledge my word you shall not. This delay is 
most provoking. 

(8) P. K. to J. C. Your disagreeable haste has given me the 
gout. 

(9) J. C. to P. K. I apologise for over-anxiety. S.rry to hear of 
your gout. Best advice in London. 

(10) P. K. to J. C. Prefer my Pretoria doctor. What an excel- 
lent speech you made the other night. I read between the lines. 

(11) J. C. to P. K. Glad you liked speech. Ntver mind lines; 
take railway. Please name date of your departure. 

(12) P. K. to J. C Don't be impatient. Household matters 
must be attended to. What is the weather like with jou ? 



(13) J. C. to P. A'. Splendid weather, likely to improve. Anti- 
cipate your ai rival with pleasure. 

(14) P. K. to J. C. Never anticipate anything. Don't esteem 
being anticipated. 

(15) J. C. to P. K. Are you coming or are you not? 

(16) P. K. to J. C. Your question implies distrust. If I were to 
tell you, evidently you would not believe me. 

[Curtain abruptly falls, leaving J. C. at one end of the wire 
trampling on priceless orchids, and P. K. at the other calling 
for more tobacco and coffee. 



LITEBABY. Mr. THOMAS HABDY, we are told, has written a chatty 
preface for his Westex Tales. Like all Mr. HABDY writes it will, 
doubtless, be well worth reading. But, as regards his later novels 
at least, is not the first syllable (in the title Wessex Tales) just a 
trifle superfluous ? 

Mrs. Grundy no doubt it must mightily vex 
To find HARDY'S novels run so upon 8fx. 
But still more to find that, in halls and in hovels 
The st x makes so hardy a run on his novels. 



THE BABBISTEB'S FAVOTTBITE HYMN. " 'Brief life is here our 
portion." _ 

OBATOBICAL AXIOM. Self- possesiion is nine points of the "jaw." 



APRIL 18, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



191 




THE REVIVAL OF THE OLYMPIC GAMES AT ATHENS. 

Portion of a Design for the suggested restoration of the Frieze of the Parthenon in commemoration of the event. 



JOTTINGS AND TITILINGS. 
(87 BABOO HURRY T.UNGSHO JABBBRJKB, 6. A.) 

No. X. 
Mr. Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight. 

A YOTLV<; sprightly Londoner acquaintance of mine, who is a 
me Tiber of a Sportish Club where exhibitions of fisticuffs are 
periodically given, did generously invite me on a recent Monday 
evening to be tha eye-witness of this gladiatorial spectacle. 

And, though not constitutionally bellicose, I eajerly accepted his 
invitation on being assured that I should not be requisitioned to take 
part personally in suc^i pugilistic exercises, and should observe same 
from a safe distance and coign of vantage, for I am sufficiently a 
lover of sportfulness to appreciate highly the sight of ourage and 
science in third parties. 

So he conducted me to the Club-house, and by the open sesame of a 
ticket enabled me to penetrate the barrier, after which I followed his 
wake downstairs, through rooms full of smoking and converging 
eportlovers mostly in festal attire, to a long and lofty hall with 
balconies and a stage at the farther end with foliage painted in 
imitation of a forest, which was tenanted by press reporters. 

The centre of the hall was monopolised by a white square platform 
confined by a ciroumambience of rope, which I was informed was 
the veritable theatre of war and cockpit. 

Presently two hobbardyhovs made the ascent of this platform 
with their attendant myrmidons, and did proceed to remove their 
trouserings and c mts until they were in the state of nature with the 
exception of a loincloth, whereupon the President or Master of the 
Ceremonies introduced them and their respective partisans by name 
to the assemblage, stating their prec'se ponderability, and that these 
uvenile antagonists were fraternally related by ties of brotherhood. 

At which 1 was revolted, for it is against nature and contra bonos 
mores that relations should be egged on into family jars, nor can 
such proceedings tend to promote the happiness and domesticity of 
their home circle. However, on such occasion when the youths were 
in danger of inflicting corporal injuries upon each other, the 
President called oat "Time " in such reproving tones that they hung 
their heads in shamefulness and desisted. And at length they were 
persuaded into a pacification, and made the amende honorable by 
shaking each other by the hand, whereat I was rejoiced, for, as Poet 
WATTS says, "Birds which are in little nests should refrain from 
falling out." 

The victory was adjudged to the elder brother in obedience, I 
suppose, to the rule of Primogeniture, for he did not succeed ii 
reducing his opponent to a hors de combat. 

Next came a more bustling encounter between Misters BILL 
HUSBAND and MYSTERIOUS SMITH, which was protracted to the 
duration of eight rounds. 1 was largely under the impression that 
Mister HUSBAND was to win, owing to the acclamations he received, and 



the excessive agility with which he removed his head from vicinity 
of the blows of Mister MYSTEHIOUS SMITH. 

It was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other 
by the neck, and the wonderment and suspicion in their glanos 
when one discovered that he was resting his chin upon the uadded 
hand of his adversary, and from time to time the Hon'ble Chair- 
man was heard ordering them to " break away," and "^not to hold," 
or requesting us to refrain, from any remarks. And at intevals they 
retired to sit upon chairs in opposing corners, where they rinsed their 
mouths, and were severely fanned by their bsarers, who agitated a 
large towel after the manner of a punkah. But, in the end, it was 
Mysterious Mister SMITH who hit the right nail on the head, and was 
declared the conquering hero, though once more I was incapacitated 
to discover in what preoise respects he was the facile princeps. 

Around the hall there were placards announcing that smoking was 
respectfully prohibited, and the President did repeatedly intreat 
members of the audience to refrain from blowing a cloud, assuring 
them that the perfume of tobacco was noxious a^d disgustful to the 
combatants, and threatening to mention disobedient tobacconists by 
name. 

Whereupon most did desist; but some, secreting their cigars in. 
the hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to 
find it fame ; while others, who were such grandees and big pots that 
their own convenience was the first and foremost desideratum, con- 
tinued to smoke with lordliness and indifference. 

And I am an approver of such conduct for it ia unreasonable that 
a well-brei, genteel sort of individual should nuke the total sacri- 
fice of a cigar, for which he ha* perhaps paid as much as two or even 
four annas, out of consideration for insignificant common chaps 
hirei to engage in snip maps for his entertainment. 

The last competition was to be the bonne louche tailpiece de resist- 
ance of the evening, consisting of a rumpus in twenty rounds be- 
tween Misters TOM TBACY of Australia, and TOMMY WILLIAMS, from 
the same hemisphere, at which I was on the tiptoe of expectation. 

Bat, although they commenced with dancing activity, one of the 
TOMS in the very first round sparred the other under the chin with 
such superabundant energy that he immediately became a recum- 
bent for a lenfirthy period, and, on being elevated to a chair, only 
recaptured suffioient consciousness to abandon the sponge. 

And then, to my chapf alien disappointment, the Chairman 
announced that he was very sorry and could not help it, but that 
was the concluding box of the evening. 

I will reluctantly confess that, on tne whole, I found the proceed- 
ings lacking in sensationality, since they were of very limited dura- 
tion, and totally devoid of bloodshed, or any danger to the life and 
limb of the performers. For it is not reasonably possibly for a 
combatant to make a palpable hit when his hands are, as it were, 
muzzled, being cabined, cribbed, and confined in padded soft glovea, 
I am not a squeamish in such oases, and 1 must respectfully submit 
that the Cause of True Sport can only be hampered by such nursery 



192 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 18, 189fi 



and puerile restrictions, for none can expect to compound an ome- 
lette without the fracture of eggs. 

Upon remarking as above to my young lively friend, he assured 
me that even a gloved hand was competent to produce facial dis- 
figurement and tap the vital fluid, and offered to demonstrate the 
truth of his statement if I would be the partaker with him in a glove- 
box. 

But, though doubting the authenticity of his assertions, I thought 
it prudential to decline the proof of the pudding, and so took a pre- 
cipitate leave of him with profuse thanks for his ur paragoned kind- 
ness, aid many promises to put on the gloves with him at the fmt 
convenient opportunity. 



A LITTLE WALK. (From Monte Carlo to Nice.) 

THAT is, from La Tnrbie. Up to La Turbie by train. Not exactly 
a walk so far. Also rather prosaic. The romance begins at the top, 
on the famous and beautiful Route de la Gorniche. Arrived there, 
find everyone strolls quite naturally into a restaurant, which might 
be in Paris, except that it is filled with English and Germans. 
Probably the romance begins further on. From the terrace look 
down, iu both senses of the word, on the little mass of white build- 
ings, variously described as " the plague spot of the Riviera," mostly 
in serious English books, and " Uh paradis terrestre," mostly in 
frivolous French newspapers. Fine view of the gimcrack Casino, the 
showy hotels, the tawdry cafes. Can almost see the winners faring 
sumptuously at the Cafe des Millionnaires, or the Restaurant des 
Riohissimes, and the losers hastening to the numerous little offiofs 
inscribed " Avances sur Bijoux" Can almost har the music (!) 
outside the cafe in the Place du Casino, that execrable noise which 
some strangers may innocently imagine is produced by the Monte 
Carlo orchestra, celebrated throughout the world. It is not. 

After dejeuner stroll along the Cornice Road, towards Nice, and 
meet a German tourist, carrying a grey umbrella. Did anyone ever 
see a German tourist without a grey umbrella ? Ask him about the 
road. He speaks English excellently. He says, "You go on till 
you meet a public-house." Thank him, and stroll on, admiring the 
blue sea and the distant view, till I meet the public-house, which is 
inoribed " Cafe Restaurant. Chambres et Salons Reserves." No 
doubt very much reserves, since they all seem quite empty. But no. 
As I approach, two persons come cut and walk before me. The lady 
is plun p, though your<g. As I follow her I estimate that the cir- 
cumference of her waist is about forty inches. Her dress is net 
elegant, and she wears a green, soft felt hat. The gentleman also 
wears a green hat, and he carries a grey umbrella. Possibly they are 
Germans. " Wie f Ja ! Ach sol Wo? Ja,ja,ja! Achwun- 
derschon ! Ja, ja. fa ! So ? Ja, ja, j'a ! " There is no longer any 
doubt. They walk on arm in arm, and the man's bx>t* creak at 
every step. 

Cannot possibly walk all the way to Nice behind a man who talks 
German loudly, who wears a green hat, and whose boots creak 
incessantly. Could have tolerated the green hat, as it reminds me, 
in form and colour, of the hat of Noah in my early childhood, but 
the boots are beyond endurance. Loiter about and let them carry 
their wearer out of hearing. 

By this time there are clouds in the sky and the view is all grey 
sea, sky, hills, trees. The only spots of colour are the green hats of 
the Germans, vanishing in the distance. It will probably rain soon. 
There is Villefranche just down below. Will step down in a few 
minutes and catch a train to take me back to Nice in time for dinner. 
Start down gaily. A peasant recommends a shoit cut. The usual 
sort of short cut in the Alpes Maritimes all jagged stones. The 
cutting is chiefly of one's boots. To scramble down this takes longer 
than walking along the road. Try that. Very easy slope. An 
immense zigzag. Begin to think it will take more than a few 
minutes to get down to Villefranche. Hurry on a little. First I go 
half a mile towards Genoa. Then at last the road turns, and I career 
half a mile towards Marseilles. The only place I never seem to 
approach is Villefranche. At one time am almost at Beaulieu, at 
another seem close to Nice. Full speed ahead as much as possible. 
Arrive at a place where the awful zigzag divides, and forms two 
zigzags. The only person in sight is a peasant woman sitting on a 
step. Hope she speaks *ome thing besides the Ni^ois dialect. She 
does, for she says, though speaking French with difficulty, " Faut 
aller d la gauche," at the same time pointing to the right. " A 
droite ou d gauche ? " I ask wildly. " Out," she answers. No time 
for further talk, so choose the road, less obviously leading in the 
wrong direction, and on again. Wish I had walked to Nice. Should 
have been nearly there now. At last see Villefranche station far 
below. Then speed on towards Italy, back again, another glimpse of 
station, apparently no nearer, and on towards Spain. On the return 
journey perceive the train in the distance down below, coming round 
the bay. Start running, still down zigzags. Ringing of bells, 
shouts, whistles, scream of a locomotive. Rush breathless into station. 

Le train est parti, monsieur" 




Impatient Tr v Her, "ER HOW LONG WILL THK KEXT TRA.IN BE, 

PORTAH ? '{ 

Porter. "HBAW LONG ? WEEL, SIB, AH DTTNNO HBAW AH CON 
SAAY TO HATJF AN IsCH. HAPPEN THERE *LL BE FOWIR OR FIVE 
OO-ACHES AN' A ENGINE OR SOA." 



THE GERMAN EMPEROR TO THE CAMBRIDGE 
UNIVERSITY BOAT CLUB. 

(A copy of this hitherto unpublished document has come into the possession 
of Mr. Punch, who, out of consideration for his readers, has had it 
literally translated, and now offers it to the admiration of the world.) 

MY DEAB HEBE PRESIDENT, Lately returned from amoit beau- 
tiful and nevtr-to-be-forgotten outflight, wherein I visited scenes by 
me not to be contemplated without deep-seated feeling, flnd I a 
State-paper from my Imperial Kanzler (he is a good fellow, the 
old HOIIENLOHE, but slow, and through a brick-wall he cannot 
at all see) informing me that orce more the young men of Cam- 
bridge have a boatrace lost. In foregone years, and in this 
year too, have I sogar deemed it my duty to send to Oxford 
my heartiest luck-wishes on their successful stragglings after vic- 
tory. Bat, pot-thousand again, what does this mean that you seven 
times after one another into the bushes let vourselves be stuck ? 
Thunder- weather ! how can you endure it ? My Imperial sympathy 
stretches itself to you. In my Palace have I a rowing machine put 
up, and daily every mornings, before I myself sponge in my tub, row 
I two thousand strokes at two hundred to the minute on the machine. 
That is more than your miseralle thirty-four, not true ? So I have 
overlaid these matters in my Imperial mind filled with goodwill 
towards you, and I announce to you what I will do. Next year 1 will 
imprison all my Editors for lese-majeste, and for the Socialists will 
I a bloodbath set out. Thus I will be free of nuisances and will 
come to Cambridge in January with the EMPRESS and the whole 
family, not forgetting a monthly nurse for whom most comfortable 
rooms are to be taken in your Boathouse. I will then coach you all 
every day, and sometimes, surprise-visiting you in the night, I will 
make you row till Aurora appears over Ihe Gogmagogish Mountains. 
I will live, together with my suite (500 persons), with your Vice- 
Kanzler. Daily I will conduct prayers in your University Church 
where all must attend, and will examine your young men for their 
mathematical knowledge three times in every week. For the Cam- 
bridge free-willers I will be a General and a Father. After this I 
know Cambridge will win. Your gratitude I accept. 

WlLHELM R. AND I. 

Post-scriptum. I have a new uniform for the University Crew. 
The helmets and top-boots that form part c fit are colossally beautiful. 



APRIL 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



193 




INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY. 

"WELL, GUY, DID YOU ENJOY THE PARTY?" 

"YES, MUMMY ; BUT I 'M so HUNGRY. THERE WAS ONLY A xow 

AND THSti TEA, YOU KNOW ; WITH NO CHAIRS, AND NO GRACE ! " 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

AFTER TWENTY-TWO YEAR?, 

AT Easter time as at Chmtmas and towards the end of July there 
are feast-days and revellings and high solemn occasions at the 
various schools in which the youth of England faithfully learns the 
ingenuous arts which, according to Colonel NEWCOME, emollunt mores 
nee sinuiste feros. Easter is the season specially let apart in the 
school calendar for the holding of athletic sports, and from far and 
near streams of pleased and prosperous parents flow towards the 
school cricket-field to behold the efforts of their sons struggling for 
supremacy with the cricket- ball, over the hurdles, in the jumps, and 
in the various other competitions appointed for the testing of swift- 
ness, strength, and endurance. Thither, too, come the old boys, 
some but lately released from the school fetters, others grey-headed 
and portly, to applaud the prowess of their young successors and to 
*pend an hour or two in converse with old friends. Pleasant 
gatherings are these of men, parted by time and circumstance and 
the cares of life, who thus for a biief space renew their happy youth, 
fight the old fights ova- again, and tremble once more as they repeat 
the tale of their peccadilloes, and of the scrapes over which the 
familiar birch cast its baleful but undeterring shadow. 

I BRACED myself the other day to climb the Northern height where 
my own school- days were passed. It was the day of the athletic 
sports, and a sense of things dimly remembered, seen as through a 
veil, came over me as I made my way down the lane and neared the 
old gate. Boys in caps and flannel shorts and stockings were hurry- 
ing along. They all seemed absurdly young, and there was about 
them a boniness (if the word may be pardoned) and kind of angular 
falling short of full development which has, I suppose, always 
marked the genus boy. Could it have been that I, too, once hurried 
as did these eager competitors ; was I indeed so young, so bony, so 
angular, so eager; I who, with sober air and measured step, was 
pacing down the lane? Surely the boys of my time were older, 
fuller in build, less prone to rush up behind other boys and slap 
them violently on their backs, with the certainty that the outrageous 



proceeding, far from breeding resentment, would be treated as 
an excellent joke. A group sped past me; I caught a scrap 
of their conversation. " So I told him I wouldn't have any of his 
beastly cheek. These small boys ought to be jolly well spanked." 
The speaker was not large, but he was evidently larger than 
some other boy, and that other boy had cheeked him. There was a 
familiar sound about the words, and something in me seemed to 
acknowledge that once in the long ago I might possibly have used 
them myself. No doubt twenty-two years are grande mortalis am 
spatium ; they bring their hateful and inevitable changes, and the 
accursed tailor may, perhaps, have spoken the truth when he hinted, 
a few weeks ago, that he thought he would have to allow an inch or 
so more round the waist. 

OUTSIDE the gate, with a table in front of him, sat an old gentle- 
man at the receipt of custom. " Admission, Sir ? Sixpence ; pro- 
gramme, threepence. Thank you. Sir." Heavens I It was my old 
friend Mr, ROGEBS, the hatter, from the High Street, whose tall 
form and brilliant auburn beard had been my boyish admiration. 
But now the snows of twenty-two years lay thick upon the auburn 
though his voice was still hearty. " It 's a long time since we met, 
Mr. ROGERS," I ventured to say. "Yes, Sir, time will keep going ; 
we 're both getting a bit older than we were," and upon this somewhat 
pair ful aphorism I passed into the field. A grave, but kindly- 
looking gentleman came towards me, leading by the hand a rosy- 
cheeked little fellow of ten or eleven. He looked at me in a 
scrutinising way and paused as if intending to address me. 
Evidently he knew me ; but where had we met P The face of the 

little boy seemed familiar enough yes, of course, I knew the little 

boy ; it was HARRY Ross : we were in the same form, we got flogged 
on the same day, we learnt dancing together in the holidays, he 
swore he would marry my sister, in fact, wrote the vow down on a 
piece of paper and sealed it with black sealing-wax, " I sware that 
when I grow up and have one hundred pounds a year of my own I 
will mary your sister ALICE : signed and seeled, HARRY Ross." I 
was about to shake him warmly by the hand and congratulate him 
on looking younger than ever when I woke with a start from my 
dream and realised that this was HARRY Ross's son, and that the 
grave but kindly parent was indeed my old friend HARRY Ross. 

WE walked about the field together and managed to knit many 
old memories as we walked. In the pavilion a long table groaned 
under a gorgeous array of prizes. Here were clocks, dressing-bags. 
bats, cups, toast-racks, and even (with a pleasing anticipation of 
coming years of freedom) silver cigarette-cases the trophies of the 
victors in the games then proceeding. 

" My dear HARRY," I said, " do you remember that race in the 
hundred yards ? " "I remember I beat you.' ' ' * Yes, that ' s just it ; 

you did beat me, but if I hadn't had the cramp " " Cramp be 

blowed ; I always could run a hundred yards faster than you." 
" You couldn't." "I could. I '11 run you now." 

But at this proposal the younger HARRY was taken with to violent 
a fit of laughter, that we went no further with it. Poor little boy I 
of course he couldn't realise how young we both felt at an age which 
to him, no doubt, seemed of an unattainable antiquity. Still a look 
at the pavilion wall might have j ustifled him, for on the board of honour 
there the names of more than twenty School Elevens were painted 
after the Eleven that contained his father's name and mine. 

IN the field the sports proceeded merrily. Long boys flung them- 
selves into contortions over the high jump, short boys toppled in 
heaps over hurdles, panting boys wore down opposition, and raced 
gallantly home in the mile ; and in the School Handicap countless 
little boys, dotted about the grass like stars, awaited the firing of 
the pistol, and then sprang forward for the race. Need I say 
that all my sympathies went with the diminutive limit-boy. He 
struggled gallantly, but, alas I he was overborne at last by a 
sturdier and bigger rival, and was forced to subside into the 
ruck. Finally came the glorious presentation of the prizes. How 
those boys cheered and shouted as the heroes of the day stepped 
modestly forward to receive their prizes, how they cheered 
(as though to show there was no trace of ill-feeling left in 
their minds) when the head-master stepped out and congratulated 
the victors in a few hearty, well-chosen words. Nor did we omit 
to praise and cheer " the mens sana in cor pore sano" words not un- 
known, indeed, at school athletics, but true and welcome notwith- 
standing. It was a right pleasant day, and we wound it up not 
ingloriously with a dinner in the evening, a dinner for the old boys 
who had graced the occasion. Yet, as I stood on the station platform, 
awaiting the last train, I seemed to have had a few years added to 
my tale. But another " old boy " who had come from Cambridge, felt 
no such qualms. He had enjoyed his dinner, and he was now singing 
up and down the platform. " Isn't it splendid, old fellow,' 7 he 
remarked to a friend, "why, I've been proctorieed for much less 
than this at Cambridge." Oh, daring and tremendous old boy, the 
melancholy time must come when even proctors will cease to be a 
terror. 



voi. ct. 



194 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 25, 1896. 




THE ALLIANCE TRIPLE TRICYCLE. 

G-rm-n Emp-r-r (inflating Italian wheel). "I THINK IT 'u, BUN A MTTLS WHILB LONGER NOW 



25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



195 




A STUDY IN ANATOMY. 

Dealer. "THERE, SIK 1 THAT'S WHAT I CALL A PICTURE!" 

Prospective Buyer. "H'n YES HE DOES BATHER SUGGEST ONE OF THOSE RONTGEN-RAY PHOTOGRAPHS 1 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

WHAT shall the Baron say of The Statement of Stella Maberley, 
written by " Herself " (an entirely new authoress' ard published by 
FISHER UN WIN ? It appears to me, quot'i its ^ar^n, that, had not 
this work been " precursed," so to put it classically and not incor- 
rectly, in more tenses than one, by that awful story of the Great 
God Pan (a revival of the legend of Le Succube, ou Demon femelle) 
in the Key-note Series (when key-notes were at their highest pitch, 
or lowest, whichever it may have been), it might have attracted with 
all the glamour of such originality as, in the time of BYRON and 
SHELLEY, fascinated the readers of Frankenstein. The Statement 
of Stella Maberley shows undoubted cleverness, and it is consistent 
in its puzzlement and in its weird, real unreality. It might form the 
third cf a new series, to be entitled " The Lunatic Library," of 
which the two first volumes, according to my selection, would be The 
Germ Growers and The Wonderful Visit. 

Mr. FISHER UNWIN is a bold man, even for a publisher, He has 
invited the young men and girls who write books for him to sit 
down ard discourse a brat their work and themselves. Overcoming 
natural aid almost impassable diffidence, they have accepted the 
mission. The result appears in a little volume, entitled Good 
Reading About Many Books, mostly by their Authors. The inno- 
cent little thing (price one shilling nett) is appropriately issued in 
snow-white cover. Some of the biographical details are quite 
thrilling. Here, for example, is what Mr. HAROLD SPENDER, author 
of At the Sign of the Guillotine, says : 

" I come of a family that has now spilt ink in profusion for two genera- 
tions, and I should not like to say how many reams of paper have been 
blackened by my relatives in their transit from the paper-mills to the waste- 
paper basket." " 

This graphic picture of Mr. SPENDER'S relatives on their way 
from the paper-mills to the waste-paper basket, apparently oozing 
black blood, beats the primest efforts of the Fat Boy in the way of 
making your nesh creep. The Good Reading is not all qnite as good 
as this. Bat, taken a little at a time, it is charming. 

In The Cloud of Witness, the Oxford University Press has turned 
out a sumptuous book worthy their high renown. It is in every 
way luxurious, though happily not after the fashioa of the ordinary 
editions de luxe, with which the casual reader most conveniently 
wrestles prone on the drawing-room floor. As a work of the 



printers' and bookbinders' art, it is so distractingly charming that 
my Baronite almost forgot to read it. This omission corrected, its 
contents, compiled by Mrs. LYTTLETON GELL, are found to be w> rt hy 
of their unique mode of presentation. Mrs. GELL has culled the 
poesy garden of the poets, and deftly arranges her bouquets in daily 
sequence following the Christian seasons. Some clear, high note is 
struck for every day. 

One of the Baron's Deputy-Assistants has been sampling Mrs. 
HELEN BLACK'S Pen, Pencil, Baton, and Mask with satisfactory 
results, 
sevent 1 

the sul_, , 

graplies are capital blends of black and white; the authoress's 
name supplies the first, and her good-nature the second. " doite a 
book," concludes the Deputy-Assistant, " to read for pleasure for a 
week, and to keep for reference for a century." 




"THE BEAUTIFUL, BOUNCING BUDGET." 
(Opinions oftht Crowd.) 

The Chancellor of the Exchequer. Caused by a most remarkable 
year of prosperity. 

Sir William Harcourt. Entirely in accord with his predecessor's 
suggestion. 

An Admiral. Should do wonders for the Navy. 

A General. Should keep up the Army to its proper strength. 

A Schoolmaster. Will afford desirable sustenance to many deserv- 
ing scholastic establishments. 

An Agriculturist. Will very likely be of some assistance to the 
British farmer. 

An Imperialist. Will enhance the credit of the greatest nation 
upon the earth's surface to a limitless extent. 

A Patriot. Will carry the British Flag in a blaze of triumph from 
pole to pole. 

A Foreign Critic. Proves that JOHN BULL was never so wealthy. 

A Man in the Street. Yes, but Income Tax at eightpence in the 
pound ! Oh lor I 

CHANGE OF NAME. Detective BURRELL, the young detective 
officer who "unearthed" the whereabouts of Messrs. FOWLER and 
MILSOM at Bath, should be known as " Detective BURROW." 



196 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 25, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(BY BABOO HUKRT BTTNGSHO JABBERJEB, B.A.) 

No. XI. 
Mr. Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy. 

IT is an indubitable fact that the discovery of steam is the most 
marvellous invention of the century. For had it been predicted 
beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be 
transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles 
along a ferruginous track, the most temporary deviation from which 
would produce the inevitable cataclysm and awful smash, 1he 
majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such rhodo- 
montade by cocking the contemptuous snook of incredulity. 

And yet it is now the highly 
accomplished fact and matter of 
course I 

Still, I shall venture to express 
the opinion that the pleasura- 
bility of such railway journeys is 
largely dependent upon the per- 
son who may be our travelling 
companion, and that some of the 
companies are not quite careful 
enough in the exclusion of unde- 
sirable fellow - passengers. In 
proof of which I now beg to sub- 
mit an exemplary instance from 
personal experience. 

I was recently the payer of a 
ceremonial visit to a friend of my 
boyhood, namely, BABOO CHTTCE:- 
EBBTTTTT RAM, with whom, find- 
ing him at home in his lodging s 
in a distant suburb, I did hold 
politely affectionate intercourse, 
lor the space of two hours, and 
then departed, as I had come, by 
train, and the sole occupant of a 
Fecond- class dual compartment 
divided by a low partition. 

At the next station the adi'oin- 
ing compartment was suddenly 
invaded by a portly female of the 
matronly type, with a rubicund 
countenance and a Innnet in a 
dismantled and lopsided condi- 
tion, who was bundled through 
the doorway by the impetuosity 
of a porter, and occupied a seat 
in immediate opposition to myself. 

When the train resumed its 
motion, I observed that she was 
contemplating me with a beaming 
simper of indescribable suavity, 
and, though she was of an*un- 
ornamental exterior and many 
years my superior, I constrained 
myself from motives of merest 
politeness to do some simpering 
in return, since only a churlish 
would grudge such an economical 
and inexpensive civility. 

But whether she was of an un- 




" A beaming simper of indescribable suavity." 



usually ardent temperament, or whether, against my volition, I had 
invested my simper with an irresistible winsomeness. I cannot tell ; 
but she fell to making nods and becks and wreathed smiles which 
reduced me to crimson sheepishness, and the necessity of looking 
earnestly out of window at vacancy. 

At this she entreated me passionately not to be unkind, inviting 
me to cross to the next compartment and seat myself by her side ; 
but I did nill this invitation politely, urging that Company's bye- 
laws countermanded the placing of boots upon the seat- cushions, 
and my utter inability to pose as a Romeo to scale the barrier. 

"Whereupon, to my lively horror and amazement, she did exclaim, 
" Then I will come to you, darling I " and commenced to scramble 
precipitately towards me over the partition I 

At which I was in the blue funk, perceiving the arcanum of her 
design to embrace me, and resolved to leave no stone unturned for 
the preservation of my bacon. So, at the moment ehe made the 
entrance into my compartment, I did simultaneously hop the twig 
into the next, and she followed in pursuit, and I once more achieved 
the return with inconceivable agility. 

Then, as we were both, like Hamlet, fat and short cf breath, I 
addressed her gaspingly across the barrier, assuring her that it was 



as if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap 
who regarded her with nothing but platonical esteem, and advising 
her to sit down for the recovery of her wind. 

But alack I this speech only operated to inspire her with the 
spret(B injuria formce, and flourishing a large stalwart umbrella, she 
exclaimed that she would teach me how to insult a lady. 

After that she came floundering once again over the partition, 
and, guarding my loins, I leapt into the next compartment, seeing 
the affair had become a satire quipeut, and devil take the hindmost ; 
and at the nick of time, when she was about to descend like a wolf 
on a fold, I most fortunately perceived a bell-handle provided for 
such pressing emergencies, and rung it with such unparalleled 
energy, that the train immediately became stationary. 

Then, as my female persecutre* s alighted on the floor of the com- 
partment in the limp condition of a collapse, I stepped across to my 

original seat, and endeavoured to 
look as if with withers unwrung. 
Presently the Guard appeared, 
and what followed I can best 
render in the dramatical form of 
a dialogue : 

The Guard (addressing the 
Eldfrly Female, who is sitting 
smiling tcith vacuity beneath the 
bell-pull). So it is you who have 
sounded the alarm! What is it 
all about ? 

The Elderly Female (withwarm 
indignaii'tn). Me ? 1 never did [ 
I am too much of the lady. It 
was that young coloured gentle- 
man in the next compartment. 
\_At which the tip of my note 
goes down with apprehensive- 
nes<t. 

The Guard. Indeed! A likely 
story ! How could the gentleman 
ring this bell from where he is P 
Mytelf (with mental presence}. 
Wtli siid, Mister GUAHD! The 
thing is not humanly possible. 
Rem acu tetigisti! 

The Guard. I do not under- 
stand Indian, Sir. If you have 
any iliing to say about this affair, 
yon had better say it. 

Myself (combining discretion 
with magnanimous ness}. As a 
chivalrous, I must decline to 
bring any accusation against a 
member of the weaker sex, and 
my tongue is hermetically sealed. 
The Eld. F. It was him who 
rang the alarm, and not me. He 
was in this compartment, and I 
in that. 

The Guard. What? have you 
been pliying at Hide-and-seek 
together, then ? But if your 
story is watertight, he must have 
rung the bell in a state of abject 
bodily terror, owing to jour 
chivying him about ! 

The Eld. F. It is false I I 
have been well educated, and 
I merely wanted to kiss him. 



belong to an excellent family. 

The Guard. I see what is your complaint. You have been imbibing 
the drop too much, and will hear of this from the Company. I must 
trouble you, Mam, for your correct name and address. 

Myself (after he had obtained this, and was departing). Mister 
Guard, I do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the 
mercies of this female woman. I am not a proficient in physical 
courage, and have no desire to test the correctness of Poet POPE'S 
assertion, that Hell does not possess the fury of a scorned woman. I 
request to be conducted into a better-populated compartment. 

The Guard (with complimentary jocosity). Ah. such young good- 
looking chaps as you ought to go about in a veil. Come with me, 
and I ']! put you into a smoker-carriage. You won't be run alter 
there I 

So the incident was closed, and I did greatly compliment myself 
upon the sagacity and coolness of head with which I extricated 
myself from my pretty kettle of fish. For to have denounced myself 
as the real alarmist would have rendered the affair more, rather than 
less, discreditable to my feminine companion, and I should have been 
arraigned before the solemn bar of a police-court magistrate, who 
might even',have made a Star Chamber matter of the incident. 



APRIL 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



197 



All is well that is well over, but when you have been once bitten, 
you become doubly bashful. Consequently, this humble self will 
take take care that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel 
alone in a railway compartment with a female woman. 



THAT GAME OP GOLF. 
No. II. 

WELL, there we were, POFFLES, SLOGTJM, and myself. POFFLES 
went off first, but the ball didn't seem to me to go as far as POFFLES 
meant it to, judging by the energy he _put into it. It couldn't 
have travelled more than twenty yards in all. SLOGUM said that 
POFFLES " sliced" it, and one 01 my caddies said he "topped" it, 
and SLOGTJM' s that he "pulled" it, and a gentleman we didn't 
know came up and aid that POFFLES " toed " it a bit and didn't 
" play it through" We argued this for a quarter of an hour, and 
then POFFLES got sulky, and said he hadn't come there to be talked 
to by a lot of "foozelers," and that he knew what he had done, and 
had done it on purpose to get a " good lie." I thought this was " a 
gord lie," but I didn't lay so. 

Then SLOGTJIU: went on, and his ball went much farther than 
POFFLES' ball, but it made a funny sort of curve round to the right, 
and landed in a bush. After that it was my turn. I wanted to play 
with that "niblick," but POFFLES and the gentleman we didn't know 
wouldn't let me. They said it wasn't the game. So I took the 
" mid-spoon bulger driver," and let fly at the ball for all I was 
worth. 

POFFLES gasped when he saw me let out at that ball, and the 
caddie nearest me said "Strike me," under his breath, and another 
caddie said ' ' S'elp me." Then we looked to see where the ball would 
come down, but it didn't come down, I said I must have driven it 
into the river, and felt proud, and POFFLES said it nuiat have got 
fixed up one of the trees, and the gentleman we didn't know said it 
was most curious. We were just going to put down another ball, 
when one of my caddies who was making the " tee " suddenly gave 
a "guffaw," and digging down into the ground about six inches 
produced the ball. There it was safe enough, deep in the earth 
below the tee, and we had another argument to explain how it got 
there. POFFLES said I was too near the ball, and SLOGUM said I 
"pressed too much," and the gentleman we didn't know said he 
thought I "took my eye off the ball." We couldn't settle it any 
way, so I drove off again, and this time I did hit it, and to every- 
body's surprise (though it was what they called a short hole) it landed 
on the green, just over the "bunker," as they said, "in one." (J 
didn't know what a bunker was, but I wasn't going to say so.) 

Then we went and looked at SLOG CM' s ball, which had stuck in the 
middle of a big bush, full of thorns and things. POFFLES said 
SLOGUM must "play it out," according to Rule 29, which says, a 
ball is to be played " wherever it lies." SLOGTJM, however, said that, 
according to Rule 18, when a ball is covered with "fog, bent whins," 
&c., as much shall be set aside as will give the player " a view of his 
ball," and he hadn't any view of that ball at all when he was in a 
position to strike, so the bush ought to be "set aside." Then 
POFFLES' caddie said, according to Rule 12, a player must not " move, 
bend, or break anything, fixed or growing, near the ball, except in 
placing his feet on the ground to address the ball," and the gentle- 
man we didn't know said that the bush was a "hazard," and 
according to Rule 14, nothing must be touched or moved before the 
player strikes the ball when it lies in a hazard. Then SLOGTTM got 
savage and said he would lie down under the bush and " scrape it 
out," but POFFLES said that was against Rule 4, which says, you 
mustn't " push, scrape, or spoon a ball." Sj SLOGTJM had to play it 
out after all, and a glorious time he had with that bush, whilst we 
sat round and encouraged him, POFFLES particularly advising him to 
" go right in and hit it." 

After that, POFFLES and SLOGTJM got on the green somehow, and 
one of the caddiea offered me a " putter." SLOGTTM said I must 
"put" the ball down next, and I wanted to "put" it with that 
niblick, but they wouldn't let me, so I had to use the putter and 
I got the ball quite near the hole, and SLOGTJM, who " putted " next, 
knocked my ball in and one of the caddies said it was " bogey," 
though I couldn't see what " bogies" had to do with it any way. 
Then POFFLES said he was down in twenty-seven, and SLOGTJM said he 
wasn't, and they argued that ten minutes, and the caddies all argued 
too. While they were arguing, there was a funny man behind me 
shouting "four" at the top of his voice, and I wondered what was the 
matter with him. I reckoned, from the way he was going on, that he 
felt really bad, so I sat down on the grass to watch him. As I did BO 
he seemed to be taken much worse, for he jumped round, and screamed, 
and waved his club in a way that was simply frantic. Then on the 
other side of him there was another man who suddenly seemed 
taken in the same way, as he also commenced to dance round and 
yell " four," too. I thought they might be playing " nap" or some- 
thing, or that they had both been drinking, and wondered why they 
were not turned out. Jubt as I turned round, however, to ask 



POFFLES (who was still arguing) about it, something caught me in 
the back like a bullet, and I sat down on the grass again and used 
language that must have been painful to listen to. Then those 
two lunatics who had been shouting " Four" came up and asked me 
why the "blank blank" I didn't take my "blank blank blank 
anatomy " out of the way when I saw them coming up, and POFFLIS, 
who was already as mad as he could be, asked them what the " blank 
blank " they meant by playing on people when they were still on the 
green, and SLOGTJM said they ought to know better, and then the 
lunatics said they weren't going to wait our " blank blank ' pleasure 
all the " blank " day while we argued on the green, and then two of 
the caddies began to fight, and f was getting my niblick ready for 
one of those idiots when the gentleman we didn't know came up and 
implored us to be calm, and not to disgrace the precincts with an 
undignified dispute. So we parted the two caddies, and SLOGTJM 
said we had better let the other party pass us ; and so we waited till 
they had gone, and how we played on, and what we did, I will reserve 
for my third and last. 

LONG AGO LEGENDS. 

Y E FFUNNIE MAN AND Y B BEGGAR MAN. 

ONCE was a ffunnie man whose custome it was toe make offe hande 
ryddles, jokes, quipes and crankes in y e banqueting hall, devysyng 
them wythe moche care and laboure before hande. One daye whyle 
out a walkynge he dyde make up a ryddle he dyde thynke ryght 

goode, when he 
came npone a 
stalwarts beggar 
man a restyng 
hymselfe under 
y shade of a 
dede wall. 

"Ffryende," 
sayd he, "I have 
made a ryddle 
whych I woulde 
teste on thee. 
Now, if y e can 
guess it in one 
houre, I will pre- 
lente y wythe a 
groat." And he 
slapped hys well 
fillet pouohe and 

Sulled out hys 
yal. Then he 
asked y e beggar 
man y e ryddle, 
whych y e Chroni- 
clere forgetteth, 
but it will be 
ffounde wythe 
otheres in Mug- 
gy n't Sake of 
Merrie Jettes. 

And > e beggar man knyte hjs browes, and stampd, and banged hys 
head untyl one my nut e of y tyme, but to no avayle, when ha cryed, 
" What a ffoole am 1 1" " Not so," sayd j e ffunnie man, a smylynge ; 
" rather what a olevere man am I to puzzle you so." " I mean not 
that," sayd y e beggar man ; " but here have I been a cudglynge my 
pate one houre ffor a groate, when I myght have had y e groate and 
lykewyse your pouche and dyal in no tyme by symplye cudglynge 
yours wythe this grett jagged staffe. Hande overe I " 
Y e ffunnie man, who felt no longere soe, complyd ryght quyoklye. 




"The Best Costume for Lady Bicyclists." 
(Dedicated to " The Woman at Home," by an old Curmudgeon.) 

IF woman of her wheeling brags, 
And flaunts upon the tr biking " track, 

Let her not only don the " bags " ; 
Give her, at once, the " sack." 



THE rooks that inhabit the Isle of Man have got themselves sen- 
outly disliked. A deputation, representative of the Manx farming 
in'erett, waited upon the Agricultural Society's President and 
"lodged a complaint" against them. It was pointed out, says the 
Liverpool Courier, that the depredations had reached extensive pro- 
portions, " farmers having lost half, and even two-thirds, of their 
crops." But how can birds be expected to do without " crop? " ? 

EPITAPH FOB A RAILWAY DrBEcroB. " His life was spent on 
pleasant lines." 



193 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 25, 1896. 




NOT SO HEARTLESS AS IT SEEMS. 

She. " HRBB is A STAMP FOB YOUB LUTTEB ; YOU OAK REPAY UK WHEN YOU COME BACK 
FROM LONDON THIS EVENING." 

Be. "AND SUPPOSE I 'M KILLED IN A RAILWAY ACCIDENT." 
She. "On, WELL THE LOSS WOULDN'T BK VBBY GREAT 1" 



COMMON OR GARDEN RHYMES. 

I. A PLEA FOB THE WALL-FLOWER. 

PLAIN, unpretending, homely, shy, 

It clings against the wall, 
A bloesom there are few to spy, 

To gather none at all. 
The wall-flower, only eyed afar, 

Poor foolish man supposes 
Less lovely than the lilies are, 

Less fragrant than the rotes. 

To pluck the flowers that seem more fair 

The crowd in blindness hastes, 
Its sweetness on the desert air 

The lonely wall -flower wastes : 
And yet its heauty being concealed 

From casual passing glances 
Its worth to whom it is revealed 

A hundred fold enhances. 



I know a garden fa'r and blight, 

With wealth of blossom blest. 
Where man may choose for his delight 

The flower he loves the best ; 
And, though the lily, violet, 

And rose within it all flower, 
He (ft might choose without regret 

To win and wear a wall-flower ! 



Poetry on a Pewter. 

(From Sir Wilfrid's Point of ftw.) 

BEEE is a compound so adulterate grown, 

As to be hated needs but to be known. 

Bat foully foaming, at the pint -rot's 

brink, 
Men first distrust, then dilly with, then 

DRINK! 



POLICEMAN X JUNIOR ON SCIENCE IN 
THE FORCE. 

[" The scientific burglar must be met, or better, 
perhaps, followed, by the ultra-scientific police- 
man." Daily Telegraph.] 

" Mr name," too, is " Pleaceman X," jest like 
him sung of old by THACKERAY, 

And I don't know as my brains, or bull's-eye, 
burns with slower, slacker ray ; 

But I own it gives me beans, and seems a 
prospek most 'orriiie, 

This here talk about a Bobby being " ultra- 
sky entific." 

I can spell a trifle better, I emagine, than did 
him, 

Wioh his notions about grammar were, I think, 
a little dim, [" X ray,'' 

Bat if our hezaminations is to be on that 

And on similar mistries, we shall 'ave to 
strike for 'igher pay. 

Ultra-skyentifio Bobby may sound grand, but 

in a tussle 
With BILL STKES -the new or old one give 

me common sense and muscle, 
A steel saw drove by petroleum, wot then 

there French burglars used 
For to crack the money-changer's safe, shows 

science much abused. 

Stillsomcver if you arm us Bobbies with 

ingenious fakes 
From the Royal Hinstitution, it may turn 

out no great shakes. 
"Open up a vista"? Ah I Bat wot if "hap- 

pyratus" jib, 
And Bobby's arm git out of gear whilst BILL 

is " opening up" a crib ? 

The "New Burglary," no doubt, like the 
"New Woman," is a bore ; 

Bat the "New Bobby," made to horder, 
might, perchance, prove no great score. 

Portable batteries, instead of fists and trun- 
cheons, may sound prime ; 

Bat /should fidge about their busting in my 
pocket arf the time. 

Even revolvers we ain't nuts on, pistols is 

oontrairy things ; 
And new skyentifio fakes, all tabes, and 

sparks, and screws, and springs, 
Would give me 1he ditherums straight ! 

Look at them tubes of squoze-up gas 
Hoxygin, ain't it? If they bast, you're 

just blowed up like BALAAM'S ass I 

I don't wait galvanic shocks about me packed 
in brass or steel. 

If I got 'em wrong <nd uppards, and w^nt 
pop, 'ow should I te 1 ? 

Wouldn't BILL the Burglar bust with 
larfter at Policeman X 

Parylised by 'is pjcket-battery? Sech new- 
fangled notions wex ! 

If these "RONTGEN Rays" enible him to 
look through doors and shutters, 

Likewise walls and burglars' bags, crib- 
crackers at their little flutters, 

P r'aps, might f onk it. But suppose they 're 
also fly to the new game ? 

Skyenoe against skyence set might leave the 
hupshot much the same. 

Wot you want to match a burglar after all 
gents, is a Man I [skyentific plan , 

And the Perlioe Force horganised on this new 

With their pockets full o' batteries, and the 
new (Pleaceman) "X ray" 

Up their sleeves, might look himposing, but 
I 've doubts if it would pay I 



SOUNDS LIKE IT. When one goes to pay a 
bill at the Horseferry Road Gas Office, why 
will it be a saving of time to buy your cocoa 
for breakfast there ? Because that company 
advertises as "Tne Gas Light and Coke Co." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 25, 1896. 




ONE AT A TIME." 



IKATE IBISH BILL. " SHURE I 'VE BEEN WAITIN' A DIVIL OF A TIME " 

HAIBDBESSER (MB. A. J. B-LF-K-an<%). "BEG PARDON, SIR, THIS GENTLEMAN FIRST!" 

EDUCATION BILL (rather nervous). " NOT TOO MUCH OFF, PLEASE I " 



APRIL 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



201 



WONDERS ON WHEELS. 

(By an Old Beginner.) 

WONDEB if my doctor was 
right in ordering me to take 
this sort of exercise. 

Wonder whether I look very 
absurd while accepting: the as- 
sistance of an attendant who 
walks by my tide and keeps me 
from falling by clutches at my 
waistbelt. 

Wonder whether it would 
have been hotter to go to Hyde 
Park instead of Battersea. 

Wonder whether the police- 
man, the postman, the nurse 
with the perambulator, the 
young lady reading the novel, 
and the deck passengers on the 
passing steamboat are langhing 
at me. 

Winder whether I shall keep 
on now that my attendant has 
let so. 

Wonder whether the leading 
wheel will keep straight on until 
we have passed that lamp-post. 

Wonder whether the mxt 
spill I have will be less painful 
than the last. 

Wonder why mats are not 
laid down by the County Council 
in the roads for the comfoit oi 
falling cyclists. 

Wonder why the cycle sud- 
denly doubled up and landed 
me in the gutter. 

Wonder whether the pretty 
girl in the hat, whose face is 
hidden by a novel, smiled at my 
misadventure. 

Wonder whether the person 
who has just come to grief over 
yonder is uing good language 
or words of an inferior quality. 

Wonder whether my a'ten- 
dant is right in urging me to 
remount and have another try. 




THE TURN COMPLIMENTARY. 

She. "On, FBFD, MY HEAD DOES ACHE so TO-DAY!" 

He. " LUCKY!' 

She. "LrcKYl OH, HOW BRUTAL OF YOU! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" 

He. "SHOWS YOU 'va GOT A HRAD. So F*W Wo HUN HAVE NOWADAYS I ' 



Wonder whether I lock well 
wobbling. 

Wonder whether the elderly 
spinster with the anxious manner 
and air of determination is really 
enjoying herself. 

Wonder whether, when I have 
completed my first hour, I shall 
want another. 

Wonder whether the imp of a 
boy will run with me. 

Wonder whether my second 
fall in five minutes beats the 
record. 

Wonder, considering the diffi- 
culty of progressing half a dozen 
paces in as many minutes, how 
those marvellous feats are per- 
formed at Olympia. 

Wonder if I shall ever ad- 
vance upon my present rate of 
speed, i.e., three-quarters of a 
mile an hour. 

Wonder, finally, if the pla- 
cards warning cyclists in Bat- 
tersea Park against the dangers 
of "furious riding" can pos- 
sibly be posted for my edifi- 
cation. 



"Off Colour." 

"Zs life worth living?" poor 

NABCISSA cried, 
Finding youth's gold -tints 

from her tresses flving. 
Gravely the jet-lock'd LALAGE 

replied, 
(Placing a mystic bottle at her 

tide,) 
" Not without dyeing I" 



AB-SIEDAK NEWS FBOM THE 
SOUDAW. There is no truth in 
the report that Sir H. KITCH- 
ENER will attack the Derrishes 
with a batterie de cuisine. 



JOURNALISM MADE EASY. 

(Advice to Novices.) 

HEBE are a few paragraphs, which, like brown paper and string, 
will always "come in useful." 

(1) "The Exhibition this year at the Royal Academy will be ex- 
ceptionally brilliant it is said by those who have been privileged to 
inspect the studios of (mention names of President and leading 
R. A.'s and A. It. -4.'s), and most of those exponents of the beau- 
ties of the brush \tho are not yet included within the Academic 
fold have very promising canvases in preparation. We need 
scarcely say that we allude to Messrs, (names of likely exhibitors). 
The Academy Banquet will be attended by an unusual number of 
Royal and other celebrities, including (give some certain guests)." 

Mem. A graceful allusion to the style of the P.R.A. may be 
made, but when dealing with a versatile genius avoid facts. Be 
careful to ascertain that the Academy Banquet will be held. Never 
give an unknown artist a lift. It will only make him more conceited 
than he is. 

(2) " The supplyof coal from Durham, Northumberland, the Mid- 
lands, and South Wales still continues undiminished, but in view of 
the large order given the other day by the (Russian, French, Ger- 
man, any nationality will do) Government, we would urge that some 
limit should be placed upon the exportation of that combustible, 
which is as invaluable to the householder as it is to the battle- ship. 
Perhaps Mr. (name of badgering patriot) or Mr. (name ofw)uld-be 
Minister) will raise this important question in the House. 

Mem. It is not absolutely necessary that any coal should have 
been ordered. If disposed to be friendly to the Prime Minister, 
admit that the matter is safe in his hands. If faoetiouslv inclined 
this is dangerous, however suggest that a coal-owning M.P. should 
raise the question. 

(3) "Tuis is Midsummer Day. and never has the Clerk of the 
Weather given us greater proof oi his versatility. It is many a long 
year since he supplied his anxious clients with such a spell of (sun- 



shine, rain, brightness, or dullness). It has be in observed that 
Eaglandhas no fixed climate, and certainly facts go to prove the 
assertion. Scientists may disagree as to the cause, but in this year 
of grace that long-suffering man the British Farmer has no reason 
(or ' abundant reason ') to complain of the meteorological phases. 
Recent reports made to the Board of Agriculture give a correct idea 
of the present (flourishing or deplorable) condition of the country." 

Mem. It the weather be satisfactory, offer congratulations to the 
British Farmer; if otherwise, assure him of your condolence. A 
very slight referenca to the advantages of Light Railways might 
now and then be made. 

(4) " It would be manifestly unfair to divulge any details of the 
new (play, drama, tragedy, comedy, comic opera, burlesque) which 
will b3 produced to-morrow night at the (state name) theatre, but this 
much we may say after witnessing the dress rehearsal, that no pains 
have been spared by the management to insure success. All London 
will anxiously await the verdict of the first-night audience. Misses 
(throw in names of leading actresses) and Messrs, (supply names of 
actors) ought not to complain of their opportunities. The scenery, 
by (name again), is most realistic, and the dresses, by (name once 
more), are truly magnificent." 

Mem. In the case of a "star" actor or actress, provide a sub- 
stantial halo in advance, and suggest enormous booking for seats. 
Be careful of praising the piece beforehand lest it should turn out a 
failure. 

To the Blue Primrose in Kew Gardens. 

You once were yellow, fairest flower, 
How came you by this stranger hue r 

Is it because a robber shower 
Brought down some drops of cloudless blue r 

But oh I beware the unforeseen, 

For blue and yellow give us green. 
The Green 's a common sight at Kew I 



202 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 25, 1896. 




Yowng Bride. "Do YOU LBT YOUR HUSBAUD HAVE A LATCH-KKY, MES. JONXS?" 
Mrs. Jones. " No, MY DEAR ; IT WOULD BE USE uses. I QIVS IT TO THE MILKMAN 



TRUE BLUE. 

(Mr. Punch welcometh Peace Portents from 
Philadelphia ) 



lit is said (by the Dai'y Telegraph} 
delphia physician, after long personal i 



thataPbi'a- 
experiments, 

has diti-overed, in his own veins, the real, genuine, 
and inimitable "blue-blood corpuscle." It is 
hoped that this corpuscle only one has as yet 
been identified will be carefully nourished. . . . 
In this way the " blue-blood " will be gradually 
extended throughout America.] 

IN KiNiiE azure I Prospect sweet I 
America hath mind and muscle ; 

But JONATHAN will be bai to beat 
Now he hath found that blue corpuscle. 

Of blcod that 'a red much hath baen shed, 
Although than water it be thicker ; 

But could we tight with veins full led 
By true blue ichor ? 

Forbid it heaven, and dear DEBBETT I 

Forbid it Philadelphia sawbones I 
Can blue -blood kin at odds be set 

By MONBOE or by Jingo jawbones P 
Nay I CLEVELAND, SALISBUBY, all the 

crew, 

Surely won't make two nations tustle, 
Whilst in their veins both bear the true 
" Blue-blood corpuscle" I 



It cannot be I From sea to saa 
Our poor old world will feel a thiver 

Should Uncle SAM and old J. B. 
Fight, with a blue (not a whitt) liver. 

The very notion might amaze 
Satan himself, in mood sardonioal, 

Saare CLEVIH.ND, and still further craze 
The Daily Chronicle. 

Only one blue corpuscle found P 
That's sad! Bat do that one drop 

nourish I 

From Philadelphia all around 
'Twill spread, and peace and joy shall 

nourish ! 
Just fancy dear Columbia's cry. 

Just picture px>r JOHN BULL'S condition 
If you should let that blue drop die 
01 inanition ! 

Columbia, Punch espies a chance 
That 's better e'en than arbitration ; 

It makes his blue corpuscles dance 
With extra azure animation, 

Punch ever was your faithful friend, 
He ever spake kind word for you, dea*, 

S j let this true blue tie extend 
Till all is blue, dear I 



RESULT OF THE MUZZLING OBDEB. The 
Cur-few Knell. 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE EASTER LAMENT OF A MARRIED 
TRAVELLER. 

I 'VE no wish for a holiday now. No I not I, 

But I 'm forced nolens volens to roam. 
To some horrible sea resort I must hie, 

When I 'm looking for comfort at home. 
Here it is! where the beach boasts no bathing- 
machine, 

Where the wind cuts me through like a 

knife, 
Where the trees have an ever funereal green 

And I do it because of my'wil'e. 

It is she who reminds me that Easter days 

bring 

A revival of honeymoon joys ; 
And she talks about birds that must sing in 

the Spring, 

When the seagulls are raucous with noise. 
So I have to put up with the smell of new 

paint, 

With the waiters, who can't understand ; 
And I bear with the air of an up-to-date saint 
All the strains of an out-of-tune band. 

There 's the table d'hote -oh ! how I loathe the 
repast, 

With its dishes of dubious taste ; [oast 
Where the 'ABETS their "h's" unfeelingly 

Without reokirg of aspirate waste. 
Where 'ABBIETS flock and complacently chew, 

Garbed in gowns of iniquitous style. 
It's a kind of a feeding-time sight at the 
"Zoo," 

But I bear it, for her, with a smile. 

I have travelled afar both by land and by sea, 

And have wandered in many a clime, 
But I never have felt such a longing to be 

Safely back, as at this Easter time. 
'Neath an African tun, in the snowy Wild 
West 

I 've not thought of a civilized life ; 
And to-day, how I yearn for a hiven of rest 1 

Yet a martj r, I 'fl not tell my wife I 



SIMPLE AS SMOKE! 

DEAB MB. PUNCH, I have disooyered the 
modus operandi of becoming a millionaire. 
It is no visionary scheme, but one lased on 
solid facts and figure 3. If you refer to Sir 
MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH'S ttatement, yon will 
find that the right hon. gentleman, -while 
being a non smcker, protests (to quote the 
Times) ''against the wastefulness of a prac- 
tice involving the throwing away of one 
million sterling a year iu cigar and cigarette 
ends I " And no doubt there are other sources 
of loss in other directions. What are done 
with the omnibus tickets when they have 
been < xamined ? What becomes of th crumbs 
that fall Irom luncheon biscuits ? Who col- 
lects the dropp d i ins P Who utilises the 
discarded steel p>ns? Bat t> return to the 
cigar and cigarette ends. Anyone we see, 
with their assistance, can become at once a 
millionaire. All he will have to do is to 
collect them ! Yours, obediently, 

A PfllLANTHBOPIST IN FlGUBES. 

Pipe Place, Tobacco. 



Jenner-aLCriticism on Gloucester. 

GBEAT FOOLLE and NOODLE once evolved] 
A campaign against all vaccination ; 

Their tactical problem now is solved 
By General Extermination. 



8HAKSPEABE FOB TAMMANT. 

Now is the winter of our discontent 
Made glorious summer by this "Big New 
York." 



APRIL 25, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



203 



APAKE, OLD WINE,] 

OLD crusted port, Sir, is the stuff 

To make yon wise and merry, 
For he would be an awful dufl- 

-er who selected sherry. 
Maderia if made cheaper would 

Be certainly worth trying ; 
Your Rhenish wines I never should 

Consider worth the buying. ' 

Now Burgundy, I will admit, 

Is worthy oi attention, 
Tho' connoisseurs have made of it 

The beaune of much contention. 
Good claret it is hard to find, 

Unless you 're an importer ; 
Vin ordinaire is, to my mind, 

Like vinegar and water. 

But here 's a picture, caked in dust, 

Now steady, do not shake it, 
There 's an aroma I there 's a crust I 

T would he a crime to break it ; 
A wine like this, you little thought 

To pour into your throttle, 
No finer vintage can be bought 

At one-and-three the bottle. 

Then up arose the guest to post 

A most important letter. 
Thought he, " Such rare, old wine, good) 
host, 

The rarer 'tis, the better I " 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED PROM THB DIARY OP TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, April 13 
GEOBGE WYNDHAM made to-night what, 
though not the best speech he has delivered 
since he fat for Dover, was certainly the most 
immediately effective. All his speeches are 
full of matter, admirably phrased, and with 
the making of a good delivery. But his more 
elaborate efforts have not succeeded in catch- 
ing ear of Houee. For one thing they have 
been too elaborate, too lengthy, lacking in 
spontaneity. Moreover, by malign ill fortune 
they have always chanced to be essayed at 
unfortunate periods of a sitting, either ia 
dinner-hour or towards close of debate already 
wearisomely long. On one occasion in last 
Parliament, having come down prepared with 
speech that was to blow up Ministry with 
dynamite force, matters took a sudden turn 
that, in interests of Opposition, called for 
suppression of the speech. 

That not the only disappointment of a still 
young life. WYNDHAM served his party sedu- 
lously and effectively when in Opposition. 




A THORNY SUBJECT! 
Sir John Gh>rg(e)t in blossom. 




"WHBBB DID TEE SPBND YBB 'OLIDAYS, BOB?" "Sou* o' FBABSCE, o' COURSE!" 



His intimate personal relations with PBINCE 
ARTHUR, with whom he worked as unpaid 
Private Secretary, seemed to point him out for 
Ministerial office. Weighing in the balance 
bis claims, capability, and suitability, against 
those of Mr. JESSE COLLINGS and Mr. POWELL 
WILLIAMS for example, PBIBCE ABTHUR with 
Spartan inflexibility was bound to admit that 
his brilliant young friend was quite oat of it. 
So WTNDHAM wtnded his way across what is 
not always the Styx of the Gangway, and, 
in the clearer atmosphere that broods over 
that part of House, perceives that whatever 
PBINCE AKTHTTR and his colleagues in the 
Ministry do is not always right. 

To-mjtht, a jtropos de bottes, and talking 
of morning sittings on Tuesdays, he said so, 
to immense delight of gentlemen opposite, 
who would not have listened to him had he 
risen, as he might have done a year ago, to 



demonstrate the inevitable ness and real bene- 
ficence of the arrangement. 

" A delicate and difficult part to play, that 
of below-the-Gangway-candid-friend, says 
the veteran SARK. " Looks so easy ; has in 
several instances, more especially to be four d 
on Front Opposition Bench, proved succetsf ul, 
that anyone thinks he can do it. AsSiLOMio 
has discovered, it's harder than it looks. 
Requires certain supreme qualities quite dis- 
tinct from glibness of speech. GBANDOLPH 
had these ; so has DBTJMM OND WOLFF ; so has 
JOHN OF GOBST ; and^ so, of course, though 
they were not primarily developed below tne 
Gangway, has PRINCE ARTHUR. An earlier 
generation displayed them in the person of 
the SQUTBE or MALWOOD and his sometime 
brother freelance, now Lord JAMES OF HEKE- 
FOHD. Later came DON JOSE starting from 
the same point. The Gangway is literally a 



204 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 25, 1896. 




" Never BO astonished in all my life!" 
(Sir W. H-ldsw-rth.) 



bridge, crossing which some men hasten by years the natural trend 
of their footsteps towards the Treasury Bench. But it is a narrow 
slip, an unrailed plank, bridging a gulf of permanent obscurity and 
deathless disappointment." 

Business done. Another Irish Land Bill brought in. 
Tuesday. " Never BO astonis^pd in all my life ! " said Sir 
WILLIAM HOULDSWORTH, Bart., M.P., of Coodham, the Carlton and 
the Constitutional. 

Only the o'her day THE BART, was in board-room of London and 

North- Western Railway. Ques- 
tion under discussion the carrying 
through Commons of Bill autho- 
rising widening of section of line 
between Chester and Holyhead. 

' ' You leave it to me, dear boys," 
said THE BART., hitching up his 
coat-tails and standing in fa- 
vourite attitude before board- 
room fire. " I '11 see the thing 
through. Not anything by way 
of oratory in. the House, you 
know." (Lord STALBRIDGE, Lord 
RATHMORB, Lord LOCH, T. H. 
TSM AY. and other directors : ' ' Yes ! 
Yes!") "No, dear boys," said 
THE BART., drawing an inch 
nearer the fire and shaking his 
head. "I know exactly what I 
can do. I'm not a GLADSTONE; 
never was a BRIGHT ; bat I know 
all the ropes of the House, and 
if there 's a man in it can get a 
private Bill through, his name 
is WILLIAM HENRY HOULDS- 
WORTH." 

Bill came on at morning sitting 
to-day. THE BART., suffusing neighbourhood of corner seat above 
Gangway with air of benignant prosperity and calicoe-at-paying 
prices, moved second reading. Expected it to pass this stage straight 
away, any objection occurring to presnmotious men being deployed 
in Committee. Unfortunately for THE BART, Irish Members just 
brought over in large numbers for Land Bill. Nothing to do this 
afternoon. Thought they 'd have a lark with London and North- 
Western Railway. The Company refute to attach third-class 
carriages to mail trains. Irish Member crossing and re-crossing to 
attend Parliamentary du'.its, bang goes a five-pound note. 

North- Western want to 
run a little Bill through 
the House, do they? Irish 
Members block the line. 
FIELD in great form. 
Has put on clean shirt- 
front; lavished an extra 
penn'orth of hair -oil on 
his ambrosial locks ; out 
another button off his 
waistcoat, so that it may 
fold an inch lower down ; 
thrusts a cambric pocket- 
handkerchief inhis manly 
bosom ; and in voice of 
thunder declares it " ab- 
surd, in the middle of 
the nineteenth century," 
that there should be no 
third-class carriages on 
the limited mail. > -^ 

TIM HEALY in most 
truculent m^od. Others 
chime in ; Welsh Mem- 
bers lend a hand. To 
inexperienced eye thicgs 
look: serious. THE BART 
unmoved. 

" Leave 'em to me," hre 
murmured. "I'll settle 
'em." 

So he moved closure. 
Rode on the whirlwind, 
and directed the itorm through three divisions. Been a hard fight, 
but had got the second reading of Bill. Whilst mopping forehead, 
and thinking proudly what they'd say in the board-room, he ob- 
s rved LLOYD-GEORGE on his feet. His interposition nothing to him. 
Had got his Bill read second time ; might now rest from his labours. 
* Startled by hearing his name. LLOYD-GEORGE was moving that 
his vote be disallowed, seeing that he was pecuniarily interested in 




The Old Man of the Land. " We ain't doon 
so badly aout o' yon Boodget me, an' t'maas- 
ter, an* t'paarson ! " 



Question submitted to House! THE BART gasped for breath. No 
iokethis; meant seriously ; SPEAKER, appealed to, ruled motion in 
order; commotion on all the benches; PRINCE ARTHUR hurriedly 
sent for ; TIM HEALY seconded amendment in voice trembling with 
indignation ai he contemplated " hon. Members, going out into 
livuion lobby, rnbbing shoulders with interested persons." Calls 
for The BART. He rises a very different person from successful 
?eneral of only ten minutes ago. Would hardly be recognised in 
Euston Square. If there was a fire in the room, would no more 
ihink of standing with his back to it than he would of getting into 
ihe SPEAKER'S chair. 

Admitted his directorship, but pathetically pleaded that his 
ecuniary interest in the company was very small. This said, 
IPEAKER direct d him to withdraw. Forth he went like whipped 

schoolboy, JOHN WILLIAM (MAC - 
LURE) dropping silent tear of 
sympathy as he remembered how 
he, too, had once suffered in 
bimilar circumstances. 

"What a world it is I" JOHN 
WILLIAM said, his voice choked 
with emotion and dry therry. 
" Here to-day and gone to- 
morrow! Yes, waiter, give me 
another." 

Business done. Sir WILLIAM 
HOULDSWORTH, Bart., gets into 
a sad mess. 

Thursday. SQUIRE OF MAL- 
WOOD thought he had done pretty 
well leaving his successor in 
Downing Street little legacy of 
six millions and a half to set 
new Government up in life. A 
little taken aback to-night to hear 
himself reproved by HICKS- 
BEACH. " The trinmph of a 
Chancellor of the Exchequer," 
taid that high authority, " is 
when the exchequer receipts agree 
with his estimates." " Instead, of 
which," as the judge said, SQUIRE 
had so seriously under-estimated 
his receipts, that there was a 
balance to the good of a trifle over 
four millions even after the store 
had been heavily looted for sup- 
plementary estimates. 

At this recollection MICHAEL'S 
mood melted. Didn't want to 
pain the right hon. gentleman; 
was even grateful to him. Never- 
theless, bound to point out that 
the tide had turned in June, 
which, by strange coincidence, 
was the very month that saw defeat of Liberal Government, and 
preceded the dawn of Conservative supremacy. Up to that epoch 
revenue had actually fallen off. Following on it, income had 
advanced by leaps and bounds. During existence of Liberal Govern- 
ment, well-to-do people from whose estate dropped fatness in the 
shape of Death Duties, declined to die. Once the Conservatives in, 
millionaires, chaniing nunc dimittis t departed in groups, swelling 
the revenues accordingly. 

"Providence, as usual, on the side of the big battalions," said 
the SQUIRE, repressing a sob. Business done. Budget brought in. 

Friday. Lament sometimes made that palmy days of Irish 
membership are no more. New times, new men, new manners. One 
rare flash from below Gangway bids us hope. Mr. MURNAGHAN 
melodiously murmurous name on his legs discussing private Bill. 
Proposed to step aside and say a few words on the 0/ange controversy. 
SPEAKER gently pointed out that that was a topic scarcely cognate to 
matter formally before the House. 

" I obey your ruling. Mr. SPEAKER," said Mr. MUHNAGHAN, with 

fine rich brogue, " and I will just reiterate what I was going to say." 

For the exquisite workmanship of unpremeditated art the record of 

Sir BOYLE ROCHE, apocryphal end real, contains nothing to beat this. 

Business done. Irish vote s in Commit1e3 of Supply. 




"Here to-day and gone to-morrow!" 
("J-hnW-ll-m"M-cl-re.) 



Tip for Teachers. 

'Ti8 one of Popular Education's dolmrs 

That Board Schools badly rultd lead to bored scholars ! 

Where genial wisdom checks the prig's vagary, 

And love looks after little BOB Or MARY, 

Scholars, as well as echcols, aie voluntary. 



MAY 2, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



205 



11' 







DOGS AS "TIGERS." 

(The very latest innovation in smart Cycling circles.) 
N.B. The Dog not only lends brilliance to equipage by his liveried presence, 



, 
but guards the machine, in the absence of his master or mistress, against that 



ubiquitous miscreant, the cycle thief. 



niblick, so they went off and played cards under a tree. POFFLE 
had got into another ditch, as far as I could see, and SLOGUJ 
was showing him how to "loft " a ball out of six inches of mud 

Well, while I was practising with the niblick, I found a 
beautiful new ball which I picked up and put in my pocket 
and not far off there was another one, which I also picked up 
and looked round to see if there were any more. Presently ai 
old gentleman comes up. with a flaming red face and his eye 
starting out of his head, and stutters out, " What the blank 
blank do you mean by picking up my ball?" So I said i 
wasn't bis ball, and that I had/ownrf it. That seemed to mak. 
him worse, and he got so mad that he couldn't speak, am 
another man behind him came up and said I had better "pu 
the balls down and get off the green," or he 'd break my hea< 
first and report me to the committee afterwards. Then I go 
angry, and was just telling them what I thought of them, when 
POFFLES and SLOGTJM came up, and said I was a fool and took 
the balls away and gave them to the old gentleman ; but even 
that didn't satisfy him, as he kept turning back and swearing 
at us at intervals as he went away, and muttering something 
about losing a medal through a darned jackanapes who didn'' 
know a golf ball from a mushroom. The other man appearec 
to be trying to console him with some remarks about " Dormi< 
4," and the "rub of the green," but what he was driving at 1 
don't know, as the green didn't seem to me to be rubbed any- 
where, and if it was I hadn't done it. In fact I couldn't see 
what was the matter at all, and POFFLES and SLOGTJM talked so 
fast and made such a noise that I couldn't hear what they said, 
so I said I should go home, as it seemed to me a silly sort oJ 
game, in spite of the niblick, and I was fairly mad too. 

We agreed to play one more hole, however, and the drive was 
over a large pond. POFFLES drove first, and got beautifully 
into the middle of the pond, and SLOGTJM did the same thing. 
Then POFFLES said they would both drive again ; which they 
did, and they pat two more balls into the pond, and then two 
more after that. I began to think the hole must be in the 
pond somewhere, but I wasn't sure. Then POFFLES said he 
cauld get the balls out if SLOGTJM would help him ; and they 
both got into a kind of punt, and floated out, and POFFLIS 
scraped about after the balls, while SLOGTJM steered the punt. 
Then, just as POFFLES was reaching after a ball, he lost his 
balance, and clutched at SLOGTJM, and they both went wallop 
into the p and together, and fought each other in the water. I 
didn't know if this was part of the game, but the caddies and 
I enjoyed it thoroughly ; and then we hauled them out, and 
they were a sight for the gods. 

After this we went back to the kit-cat room, and changed, 
and had dinner. POFFLES and SLOGTJM were quite pleased with 



THAT GAME OF GOLF. 
No. ill. 

WELL, the row being over, and the objectionable parties gone, we 
continued, that is, POFFLES, SLOGTJM, and myself. All more or less 
ruffled, as you may imagine if you remember the scene I described in 
the previous number. We managed to get through the next four holes 
somehow without coming to blows, although it was wonderful what a 
number of strokes it required. I saw POFFLES slogging away in one 
place for about a quarter of an hour, swearing all the time ; it was a 
sort of ditch, with stones in it, and he drove every mortal thing out 
of that ditch except his ball, including about a cart-load of earth. 
[ couldn't think why he should choose that ditch to play in. 

SLOGTJM was not much better ; and as for my ball, it went on in 
the most extraordinary way. Sometimes it went round to the left, 
md sometimes to the right ; but mostly it stayed where it was, or 
topped a yard or two. One of my caddies said I ought to " take a 
bit of the turf with it," and the other said I played " too much of a 
cricket stroke " ; and a man who was looking on said he thought I 
didn't hit hard enough, and smiled. Sometimes I got a bit mad 
irith it, and then I always used the niblick, and that generally 
fetched it along together with some square feet of turf and a shovelful 
of mud and stones. 

POFFLES and 8L9GUM argued all the time, but /couldn't under- 
stand what they said. SLOGTJM said he didn't like POFFLES' "style " 
at all; that he hadn't any "swing" to speak of, and didn't "go 
through with it " ; and POFFLES said that it was better to have his 
style than to have none at all, like SLOGTJM ; and then SLOGTJM. got 
riled, and whenever POFFLES got in a bad place, which he did mostly 
all the time, SLOGTJM would go and watch him, and offer him sarcastic 
advice. 

While they were slanging each other I got into more trouble, too. 
[ didn t know exactly where the next hole w'as, and it didn't seem to me 
o matter much, so I just played about on the best grass I could find. 
My caddies got tired of offering me different clubs, as I stuck to my 

VOL. ox. 5 



themselves, and talked so much about their strokes, that I came 
to the conclusion I had missed some extraordinary play by not 
watching them closely enough ; but, though I had not covered 
myself with glory in the same way, yet I felt I had spent quite a 
lively afternoon, and it would be a long time before I forgot that 
game of Golf. 

AFTER THE PLAY WAS OVER. 

SCENE Smoking-room in the Parthenon. PBESENT The 
customary habitues. 

Novtce (country member). What do you think of Mr. 
ARTHUE JONES'S new piece, The Rogue's Comedy ? 

Old Playgoer (member of twenty years' standing). It recalled 
to me many pleasant memories. 

Young Playgner (just elected). Speak for yourself. The character 
of Mr. Bailey Prothero was quite new. 

Old Playgoer. To you, my dear lad ; but you never saw GOT as 
Mercadet and CHABiEr MATHEWS in the Game of Speculation. 

Young Playgoer. But surely the sudden rise to fortune of the 
Rogue, and the as sudden fall, were quite original ? 

Old Playgoer. So you imagine in your inexperieace. 

Young Playgoer. And the notion of making Bailey Prothero spare 
his son the knowledge of his disgraceful past was fresh ? 

Old Playgoer. Not entirely, because Madame de Fontaine was 
equally reticent to her son in Long Ago, and Odette was as kind to 
her daughter in the play to which she gave the title. 

Young Playgoer. And surely Mr. Robert Gushing, as the con- 
federate and sneak, was a novel creation ? 

Old Playgoer. Would have been had not Robert Macaire intro- 
duced Jacques Strop. 

Young Playgoer. But, come, the piece was interesting ? 

OldPlayg-er. Certainly. Oh yes. Certainly. 

Novice. Then if you agree upon that point you will accompany me 
to the Rogue's Comedy at the Garrick ? 

Both Playgoers (hurriedly). Thanks; but we have seen- it 
once I [ Curtain. 



206 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 2, 1896. 




4*<riU, 



"STRATFORD ON WASHINGTON." 

Punch (to Shakspeare). "SiF, HOW LIKE YOU THIS LBTTEK?" ShaJcspeare. " THB PEESIDKNI FBOTESTS TOO MUCH METHINKS I" 



MAY 2, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



207 



SPORTIVE SONGS. 

THE ROMANTIC GUARDSMAN TO A[ DIVINITY 
AT HAWTHORN HILL. 

Os Hawthorn Hill we meet to-day, 

And pio-nio 'mid the springtide sheen, 
Where dainty promises of May 

Are given by the April green ; 
Where dame and damsel deck the stand, 

And blossom-girt the paddock grace ; 
They love the luncheon and the band, 

And lamblike gamble on each race. 

From near and far, on pleasure bent, 

They 've flock'd to see the equine strife, 
And so to Berkshire fields is lent 

A pasting thrill of London life. 
This is the morning of the year I 

The starting of a new campaign] 
And Coldstream, Soot, and Grenadier 

Bring sunshine with a deal of rein ! 

And. you, the fairest maid of all, 
Make music with your merry tones 1 

You laugh to see the riderj fall, 
And never think of broken bones ! 

Of life-guards you might have your choice- 
Tour spirits would not stand the " blues ' ' 

TOT well I know how you rejoice 
To fence a question yet refuse. 

The day is done, and once again 

You've waved your hand aid snilid 

"adieu!" 
Still in the rumbling of the train 

Hope tings a song that tells of you. 
Love in a cottage ! 'twould be heaven I 

We will not care for wealth or rank I 

Great CESAR'S ghost ! it's nearly seven ! 

And I 'm on duty at the Bank I 



NAVAL INTELLIGENCE ? 

THE eye of Mr. Punch, rolling as usual in 
a fine Imperial frenzy over land and sea, losing 
sight of nothing that makes for the great- 
ness of our glorious empire, has not failed to 
rest for a moment upon the special number of 
the Navy League Journal for the curreit 
month, in which novel and brilliant ideas 
abound. The most brilliant of all flash from 
the editorial pages, for which the Navy 
League itself is responsible. A truly noble 
spirit animates these official pages, for 
although the British sailor receives the 
highest praise, even the British soldier is, in 
a sense, recognised as a sort of brother. 
"England's soldiers are England's sons, 
though their coats are red instead of blue." 
Why they should be blue is not stated. As 
it is obviously by birth that both soldiers and 
sailors become England's sons, it is hard 
perhaps to see why it is a reproach to the 
soldier to be "red instead of blue." We 
have it on high authority that the son of 
Dombey was born very red, and this may 
probably be some excuse for the young 
soldier. Bat the Navy League considers that 
he should be blue, and certainly the gallant 
record of the Blues gives some encourage- 
mf nt to its idea. 

We pass to higher matters. " For genera- 
tions past," eays the Navy League, "the 
horizon spread before the eyes of our young 
manhood has been almost boundless in extent, 
and the field for the exercise of their ener- 
gies and for the cultivation of all the nobler 
powers of the mind, almost limitless." Sorely 
the grandeur of these thoughts must be appa- 
rent to everyone who pays himself the com- 
pliment of reading Punch! Cavillers may 
object that an horizon "spread cut" and 
" almost boundless " must have been a curious 
obiect for our young manhood to have gazed 
upon ; but no exception can possibly be taken 




lhutogr<,p\er. "I THINK THIS is AN EXCELLENT PORTRAIT OF -SOCK WIFE." 
Mr. Smallweed. " I DON'T KNOW SOKT OF RXPOSS ABOUT THK MOUTB THAT SOMEHOW 
DOESN'T SBBM RIGHT." 



to the idea of "the eyes of our young man- 
hood" exercising their energies m a field, or 
to these same " eyes " cultivating the nobler 
powers of the mind! Other great propo- 
sitions are presented for our acceptance. 
For example, " England is surrounded by the 
sea," to which only the Scotch and the Welsh 
can object ; while even they, and the Irish 
too, may acquiesce in the undoubted truth 
that " every native of our Islands is at heart 
a sailor" which the League has discovered, 
we may state, without resort to Rontgen raj s. 
But it is when we come to more practical 
matters that the ideas of the League become 
most valuable. Unhappily we have space but 
for one specimen. ''We want," says the 
Editor, " small ships of good speed, fitted 
with moderate sail power, with masts and 
yards that could be landed if necessary, for 
police purposes." We do ! Many of us have 
lamented the abandonment of sail power in 
H.M.'s ships ; but now that BO responsible a 
body as the Navy League has had the saga- 
city to see that masts and yards may be 
landed, it' necessary, for police purposes, even 
the Board of Admiralty will not, we feel 
confident, persist in sending men-of-war 
to sea without a proper force of masts and 
yards on board for service on shore when 
necessary. 



SONG OF THE RATELESS LAND. 

FROM THE ORIGINAL OP SALIS(BURT). 
AIR " Song of the Silent Land." 

Os to the Rateless Land ! 

Ah ! who shall lead us thither ? 

Tory and Liberal Unionists together 

(Whilst ROSEBEBY'S wreck lies shattered on 

the strand) 
Will lead us gently hand-in-hand 

Thither, thither 
On to the Rateless Land ! 

On to the Rateless Land I 
To you, ye rural regions 
Of CHAPLIN'S preference. Bright and hope- 
ful vifcions 

Haunt the Protectionist ! The Union band, 
ARTHUR and JOSEPH, who together stand, 
Will strew Hope's beauteous blossoms 
Over the Rateless Land I 

0, Land I 0, Land! 
Lately so broken-hearted 
At Corn Laws smashed, and rubbishing 

Allotments. 

JOE, with inverted policy, doth stand 
To pour wealth, from the Cockney hand, 
(Blest boon 'twixt Squire and Parson parted 

On to the Rateless Land I 



203 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 2, 1896. 



PLAYING "YORKERS." 

TBS Gay Parisienne, libretto by GEOBGE DANCE and music by 
ilvAW CABYLL. What combination of names in connection with the 
authorship of a musical piece could be happier than those of DANCE 
and CAIOL? With Mr. LIONEL RIGNOLD out of Drury Lane melo- 
drama and pantomime, Mr. DENNY, 
late of the Savoy and elsewhere, and 
Mr. FBANK WHEELEK particularly 
good as a French spy (especially when 
he sings in plain English, without 
any trace of foreign accent), the ball 
is kept up. But it would come to the 
ground were it not for the sprightly 
Miss ABA REEVE singing and dancing 
as the Gay Parisienne, quite the 
ideal of "perpetual motion," and 
the fascinations of the fascinating 
daughter of the Major, represented 
by Miss VIOLET ELLICOTT. Then the 
stately Miss EDITH STUABT, and other 
ladies, who can act a little, sing a 
little, dance a little, and do generally 
very well a little of everything, all con- 
tribute towards the general success. 

Besides, there is that extraordinary 
little person, Miss LOUIE FBEEAB, 
representing a maid-of-all-work with 
plenty of play, and reminding every- 
one forcibly of HABLOT K. BROWNE'S 
goblinesque presentment of the Mar- 
chioness, who, after being bullied and 
starved by the Brasses, was finally 
washed, costumed, and made pre- 
sentable in order to become Mrs. 
Swiveller. Miss LOUIE FBEEAB'S 
eccentricities have " caught on," and 
the house, without exception, 
applauds to the echo, and redemands 
five times over this queer little lady's 
Th ( \r^ w* > * *v i *ng and her dances. With regard 
The New Woman" at the Duke to f he overpower i Dg humour of this 

performance I find mysslf in a dis- 
tinct minority. But then, I have the bad taste not to be amused by 
' ' LITTLE TICK," let him do his very quaintest. And though Miss 
FBEEAB is by no means a LITTLE TICH, yet there is something 
uncanny and goblinesque about her in thii " make-up" which is not 
to my taste. But that it is to the taste of the public ia evident, and 
what 's the odds as long as the public is h?ppy ? 

Mr. IVAN CABYLL'S music throughout i > light and catchy, but I 
consider that of his first act is the better. 1 suppose Mr. CABYLL 
was compelled to do a " plantation song," and this being so, he has 
successfully introduced into it as much novelty as possible, in order 
to differentiate it from other plantation songs, notably " My Honey" 
sung by MAY YOKE. To do something new successfully in this line 
is a triumph, and composer, as well as Miss ADA RKEVE and chorus, 
well earn the encore awarded them. As to the plot well, there is a 





Dramatic-Operatic sort. It can be renewed from time to time with 
" a little song here and a little song there," being so constructed as 
to admit the introduction of any possible dance, song, speech, or 
dialogue, not having the remotest connection with anything that has 
gone before or anything that may follow. You come away without 
a headache, without a side-ache, but, thank you, you 've had a very 
pleasant evening. 

LITIGATION IN ENGLAND r. QUARRELLING "MADE IN 

GERMANY." 
(Extract from a Coming Romance, " The Law's Rival.") 

" SELECT your weapon," said the second. 

"Must I really contest this matter?" was the query the un- 
fortunate principal put in reply. 

"I am afraid, yes. But you have your choice. Either will do. 
But one must be chosen." 

"Perhaps you can describe them," eaid the unwilling principal, 
anxious to gain time. 

" With pleasure. This piece of paper is a summons. When you 
have received it you will be at liberty to reply. You see, you are 
accused of certain actions bringing with them the possible penalty of 
heavy damages." 

"You say 'possible penalty'; perhaps there is a chance of 
escape ? " 



" I am afraid not. You see, you depend upon counsel, judge, and 
jury, and the odds are against the defendant. You may not be quite 
fit when you enter the witness box, the barrister entrusted with your 
cause may be * deviling' for a more learned and yet absent brother, the 
judge may be pigheaded, and the Jury obstinate. It is as likely as 
not that the verdict may be against you, and then you will be 
mulcted in damages, and have to pay two heavy bills of costs." 

" And I may be anxious for weeks ? " 

" Don't stop at weeks say months. You will go through tortures 
of doubt and mistrust. And, until it ia all over, you will never be 
able to call your banking account your own." 

"And the alternative ? " demanded the principal. 

" Oh, that is simple enough. It is a German custom. You stand at 
so many paces distant and fire. You may certainly find it awkward ; 
but then you are saved from a good deal of agitation and suspense " 

The yet reluctant quarreller paused. He glanced first at the 
paper, and then at the firearm. 

Give me the pistol," he said, at length. 

" I think you have decided wisely," replied his seoond. 

And the admission was all the more remarkable, as the last 
speaker was a solicitor. And not only remarkable, but reprehensible. 
Of course regarding the matter from a professional point of view. 



THE SPUING CLEANING. 

BY TOOHABB TIPPLING. 
(Copyright in Newington Butts, 1896.) 

THERE was a spirit of restlessness abroad among the Bungle 
People. The males looked at each other uneasily, but spake not, 
wandering hither and thither aimlessly, 
while their customary cheerfulness was 
replaced by a gloom a heavy, dreadful 
gloom. Indeed, it was as though Fear 
had spread the shadow of his terrible 
wings over them. They were cowed, if 
not crushed, taking no interest in any- 
thing ; even their betting-books remained 
unopened; the races tempted them not; 
and the i ovial Bukmahkrs mourned. They 
assembled in the Klubb Groves where 
they were wont to resort for noisy discus- 
sion of Bungle matters, or for abuse of 
their common enemy, the monster Inkum- 
taks and consulted together awe-struck 
and in whispers. Only PAH PHAMILIAS 
once raised his voice to exclaim, in bitter 
anguish, "Alas I alas I my poor brethren, 
IT is upon us ; let us resign ourselves to 
the annual season of woe." And a general 
groan followed. Some, courting slumber, 
buried their head* in the luxurious leaves 
of the Times Tree ; others sought solace in copious draughts from 
the exhilarating Beeaness Brook which fizzed near at hand. 

Now MAH PHAMILIAS and all those of her sex became exceedingly 
busy, and assumed airs of the utmost importance. No longer did 
they treat the better-half with usual tenderness and consideration ; 
but made his home uninhabitable, driving him from corner to corner 
till he knew not where he was. For it was the season when the 
Female, with her 'Onsemayds and Pahlamayds, is allowed by the 
inexorable laws of Bungle to have full power over her consort and 
his habitation. During the time of the Spring Cleaning she is 
supreme ; and none may gainsay her. All the man population of 
Bungle suffered alike. "Mimsy" and forlorn they remained long 
hours in the Klubb Groves ; but the Bhilyards were lonesome ; only 
the Brook bubbled on. Once PAH PHAMILIAS actually forgot the sad- 
ness of the season. Joyfully howling the songs of his youth, he 
returned to his lair long after the Mylk Bird whose shriek is a 
terror had passed upon its rounds. And MAH PHAMILIAS who, like 
the rest of her tribe, loathed the Klubb Groves, fearing the fasci- 
nating influence of the Beeaness Brook, and would have had 
them destroyed was very wroth with him, upbraiding him for a 
"heartless wretch to come home at that hour; and wasn't he 
ashamed of himself ? " But PAH PHAMILIAS only smiled vaguely, 
and murmured, " Sprinclean'." Then he stumbled upstairs. And 
how he suffered the next day, and found the season of the Spring 
Cleaning more trying than ever must serve for yet another story. 




ACCOBDING TO THAT HAPPY VOYAGEB SIK EDWIN ABNOLD. 

ALL sun, no cloud ; all joy, no grief : 
There is no pique at Teneriffe. 

SUGGESTION FOB A NEW OBDEB. C.B., Commander of the Bicycle. 



MAY 2, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



209 




EXPERIEIMTIA DOCET. 

Proficient Bicyclist. ' ' WELL, OLD CHAP, HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON ? " 
Commencing Bicyclist. "THANK YOU, NOT BADLY; BCT I FIND I CAN 

GET OFB 1 BEtTER." 



ROUNDABOUT READINGS. 

SPRINGI IN OUR TILLAGE, 

IN the beautiful weather that Heaven has sent us during these last 
days Spring has indeed been rushing in upon us with Summer bear- 
ing her train. Where only lately gaunt and forbidding boughs 
tossed sorrowfully in the bleak winds, and the hedgerows were bare 
and black, there has come, first, a timid glint of delicate green, and 
then a glorious effulgence. The orchards have taken on their 
shimmering white robes, and velvet lawns, unparched as yet by any 
fierce heat, invite the casual saunterer. Life itself seems to have 
put away all effort, and resigns itself in calm contentment to the cool 
breath of the morning breeze. 

HEBE, in our quiet village, we seem to have made up our minds to 
bask and enjoy ourselves. Existence with us lies apart from the 
stress and struggle of the great world where Ministries battle and 
diplomatists indite despatches, where the loud roar of the Stock 
Exchange fills the air, and the street-musician exercises his woeful 
calling, where the peaks of Society tempt the armies of the envious to 
attack, and peace is shattered amid the clash of causes and questions 
and movements. Of these an eoho reaches us now and again, 
as when we elect our Parish Council, or muzzle our dogs in 
obedience to the alarmed authorities of our county, but for the most 
part, as I say, we bask and enjoy ourselves, and feel the stir of spring 
in our veins without any furious desire to burst away from the easy 
trammels of pur little conventions. Yet it is certainly strange that 
the dwellers in cities coming for a day or two into our remoteness do 
not always see and hear as we do. It was only the other day that 
my friend PHTCE-LYSTER (guard yourself carefully, if you wish for 
his goodwill, from substituting an "i" for a "y" in his name), 
who had come to me for a breath of country air, arrived in the break- 
fast-room on his first morning here with a haggard and desperate 
expression. " My dear GEORGE," said I, with some concern, "what 
is the matter with you ? You look as if you hadn't slept a wink." 
" Slept ! " he answered, bitterly ; " how the deuce is a man to sleep 
when the blessed sun comes dancing in at his windows in the middle 



of the night, and two confounded larks howl and scream 
outside all the time;"' Saying which he plunged morosely 
into his correspondence from the City, and only broke his 
silence to say he feared that business would call him back 
earlier than he had anticipated. 

I SAW the father of 'the village sunning himself outside his 
garden- gate yesterday. How this venerable old gentleman 
acquired the parental position which our universal consent has 
assignee 1 to him, I have never been able to discover ; for there 
are in the village men who have not only lived there longer, 
but are older in yean. No doubt the possession of his little 
freehold counts for something, and a certain old-world courtli- 
ness of manner, a', hearty friendliness bearing up gallantly 
under the weight of age, a genial address, a nice conduct of the 
sturdy stick that supports his steps all these have their influ- 
ence. Whatever be the cause, he is acknowledged as the father 
of the village. It is rumoured of him that he is an Oxford 
man, and that he once wrote a book. For myself, I have never 
ventured either to doubt or to inquire into these statements. I 
accept them as part of the atmosphere in which a father of a 
village should move and have his being. The salutations we 
exchange, though always friendly, have never declined into 
a flippant familiarity. "Good morning, Mr. JACKSON; how 
pleasant these warm mornings are." "That they are. Sir: 
it 's a God's blessing to be able to move about again without 
being frozen." "I trust Mrs. JACKSOIT is better." "Thank 
you, Sir, she is no worse; we hope that the coming summer 
may bring her back to health." Such in the past ha? been the 
manner of our brief interviews. 

BUT on this particular morning I hesitated to approach the 
kindly old gentleman, for the cold winds of March had broken 
down his invalid wife's resistance, and ten days before she had 
been carried to her rest in our little churchyard. Since then I 
had not seen him, for he had shut himrelf up in his home to 
mourn over his loss, and no one had dared to disturb his sorrow. 
However, I judged he would not resent a friendly word, so I 
went up to. him. "Mr. JACKSON," I began, "1 was deeply 

grieved " "Thank you, Sir," said the old man. "thank 

you, but don't say any more. I don't think I could bear it. 
Ah, Sir, you don't know what it is to me. Forty years we were 
together, forty years and never an angry word. Look at my 
little house, Sir; isn't it bright and pretty, with the creepers 
growing over it, and the windows open to the sun ? Well, Sir, 
to me it 's dark, quite dark. I 've been through all the rooms 
over and over again ; but I can't bear to stay in it any longer. 
Forty years, Sir think of it. Always kind and good. I wish I 
had gone first ; but then, what would she have done ? No, it's 
better as it is, perhaps ; but it 's a hard blow, and I 'm an old man too 
old to bear such a blow. What a woman she was I You should have 
ieen her, Sir, when we were both young"- he raised his head, and drew 
himself up" always bright and cheerful, always busy, till she took 

ill. But I was there to help her, and attend to her. And now 

Ah, well. Sir, thank you for your kindness ; but you see it's hard 
for an old man to bear." He turned away, his face streaming with 
tears, and walked slowly up the gravel walk. " Thank you, Sir, it 
was good of you to speak to me ; but forty years is a long time, and 
I can't forget all she was to me." 



COMMON OR GARDEN RHYMES. 
II. THE GOOSEBERRY. 



IN praise of wall-fruit I am 
dumb, 

For me the peach may rot, 
For me unheeded bloom the plum, 

Safe hang the apricot. 
With JESS I 've brotherly dispute, 

We never can agree, 
About the most delightful fruit 

The gooseberry for me. 

The early strawberry I hate, 

A hot-house tour deforce, 
The vine I 'd evea extirpate 

Without the least remorse : 
A pineapple's peculiar charm 

I never yet could see, 
A humbler fruit must bear the 
palm 

The gooseberry for me. 



And as for cherries, I refute 

The sweetest Kentish " hearts," 
Red currants I will only use 

With raspberries in tarta : 
No apple tempts me as a rule, 

However crisp it be, 
I do not care for rhubarb " fool " 

The go Dseberry for me , ; jar^ 

So, when AMANDA comes to stay 

In summer-time with JESS, 
We often down the garden stray, 

A trio, I confess. 
And JESS (dear JESS goes oft to 

look 

.For pears a special tree 
That grows in some far distant 

nook 
' The gooseberry for me I 



CORRECT DEFINITION OF THE FRENCH AND GERMAN TERRITORY 
BEHIND OUR AFaiCAN COLONIES. Hinder-land. 



210 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



[MAT 2, 1896. 




IN A GOOD CAUSE. 

Lady Member of the Girls Friendly Society. " I WANT TO 8KB HARRIET BROWN. Is SHI IN ? " 
Page-boy (pointing to area gate), "VISITORS I OR Ml3S BfiOWN THAT WAY, PLEAS*." 



NEW RULES FOR CYCLISTS. 
I. WHAT BOMB OTHER PEOPLE WOTTLD IIKB. 

CYCLING to be included in the prohibitory 
clauses of the " Spurious Sports " Bill. 

Every cycle-rider to pay a tax of fifty per 
cent, on the total income that he would have 
if every mile ridden brought him in a 
sovereign, and every tinkle of his bell a ten- 
pound note. 

Nobodv to cycle without a license, issued 
by the Governor of Newgate, after a fort- 
night's strict examination (on bread and 
water) in elementary mechanics, advanced 
hydrostatics, riding on the head down an in- 
clined plane, and the obiter dicta of all the 
Judges on compensation in accident cases. 

Any person found riding without such a 



license to receive a minimum penalty of ten 
years' penal servitude, followed by police 
supervision for the rest of his natural life. 

If caught on, with, or under a cycle within 
fifty miles of any town of five thousand in- 
habitants, the culprit to be fined a hundred 
guineas and bound over in his own recogni- 
sances to abandon cycling and take to golf 
instead. 

When a cyclist on any road sees, or has 
reason to believe that he might tee if he choee 
to look, any horse, cart, carriage, gig, or other 
vehicle, or any pedestrian approaching, he (or 
she) to instantly dismount, run the machine 
into the nearest ditch, and kneel in a humble 
and supplicating attitude till the said horse, 
cart, &o., has got at least a mile away. 

Every cyclist to be presumed, in all legal 
proceedings, to be a reckless idiot and on the 



wrong side of the road, unless he can bring 
conclusive evidence to the contrary. 

All tourists on wheels to report themselves 
at every police station they; pass. If un- 
vaocinated, they may be taken' to thefnearest 
doctor and. oompulsorily inoculated with any 
old lymph or "anti-ovclin serum" he may 
have handy. Baptismal certificates to be 
carried in the bag or on the person : penalty 
for non-compliance, twenty-five lashes with 
a pneumatic cat, well laid on. 

I3II. WHAT ALL CYCLISTS WOULD LIKB, 

Cyclists to be given a special track on all 
roads, quite half the width of the thorough- 
fare, and well asphalted: the expense to be 
met by a general tax on vehicles propelled 
otherwise than by foot. 

In case of any accident, coachmen and oar- 
drivers to be bound over to keep the pieces, 
and supply a brand-new machine. 

All vehicles of every description to at once 
tkedaddle up side streets when a lady cyclist 
is descried in the offing on a main road. 

Nil bells, horns, or lamps in future to be 
required. Pedestrians to Keep to the side- 
walks or take the consequences. Cyclists to 
have the right to use the sidewalks as much 
as they like, and at any pace. 

The City streets to be cleared of traffic and 
left as practit ing-grounds for new wheelmen 
and wheelwomen. 

Rate-supported stations (with free meals) 
for blowing up burst tyres to be provided on 
all roads. 

Cycles (and cyclists) to travel free by rail. 

And, finally, any person reasonably sus- 
pected of not owning a cycle or being about to 
get one to ray a fine of five thousand pounds 
to the Exchequer, be handed over to the 
Lunacy Commissioner?, and detained dnrirg 
HEB MAJESTY'S pleasure. 



GBASSE. 

GKASSE, 1 thought that thou wast sweet, 
83 sweet to eye and nose alike I 

1 started, eager for the treat, 

By train much slower than a bike. 

Thy tr ia from charming Cannes I see 

Is meant, by its delay, to call 
Attention to the fact that we 

Hid better never go at all. 

I climbed thy hill, as I was told 
Thy view was marvellously fine ; 

Thy barracks, frightful to behold, 
Would t pjil a view much more divine. 

I saw thy dusty, dismal streets, 
Thy graceless church, and then I went 

To see the sweetest of thy sweats, 
A manufactory of scent. 

Alas, sweet perfumes of the rose 

Or lily I had not to face I 
An oily smell assailed my nose. 

The scent of Grasse is scent of graisse, 

dusty, evil-smelling town, 

grassless, graceless Grasse, all graisie 

1 do not want to run thee down. 
But thou ait not a pleasant place I 

Then, luckless wretch, quite bored by thee, 

1 sought thy station to await 
Thy train, which always seems to be 

Three quarters of an hour late. 

One moment's joy wan mine that day ; 

It was when thy belated train, 
Grasse, at last took me away I 

I never shall come back again ! 



TUHFOLOGY. "The chance of St. Frusquin 
winning the Derby is threatened by Teutel" 
Evidently *' the Devil a saint would be. 



MAY 2, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



213 



THE MOUNTED PEDESTRIAN'S 
YADE MEGUM. 

(Compiled by a Prejudiced Pro- 
merutder who Objects to Cycles in 
the Park.) 

Question. Is the new manner 
of riding in the Drive attractive ? 

Answer. Certainly not; as the 
np-to-date velccipedist seldom 
possesses grace, and nearly in- 
variably lacks comfort. 

Q. Is there not constantly an 
expression of care upon the 
countenances of cyclists ? 

A. Very frequently ; and this 
aspect would cause mirth, did it 
not suggest approaching afflic- 
tion. 

Q. What is the meaning of 
a "spill" to a votary of the 
wheel ? 

A. Any upset; from the first, 
requiring the services of a 
medical student, to the last, 
demanding the recognition of a 
coroner. 

Q. Does a male rider appear 
to advantage mounted on wheels ? 

A. Never; and when he scales 
fourteen stone or more, the pic- 
ture he presents is pitiable. 

Q. Does a lady-rider who 
tikes her hands from the guid- 
ing-iron and progresses solely 
with the assistance of her feet 
deserve commendation ? 

A. Distinctly not ; as her per- 
formance invites disaster, and 
is merely suggestive of the pre- 
liminary antics of an "extra 
turn" at a fourth-rate music- 
hall. 

Q. Should a general-officer 
ride a cycle ? 

A. Not within view of the 
barracks, as no sentry could 
salute him with a feeling of 
sincere respect. 




TOUJOURS PERORIX! 

Jacky (just lack from his first day at School). "On, SCHOOL 19 A JOLLY 
PLACB, AUNT* MAID. I WAS KEVER so HAPPY IN ALL MY LIFE I" 
"YOU'LL LIKE ir EVEN BETIER TO-MOKROW, JACKY 1" 
" TO-MORROW? HAVE I GOT TO GO AGAIN TO-MORROW?" 
"WHY NOT, SINCE YOU'RE so HAPPY THERE?" 
"An, YKS EOT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT, YOU KNOW ! " 



Q. Should a judge or magis- 
trate progress on wheels ? 

A. Not when the police are 
about, as the performance would 
be calculated to prejudice the 
dignity appropriate to the Bench. 

Q. Who are the chief bene- 
fiters by the craze for cycling ? 

A. The Coventry manufac- 
turers and London doctors. 

Q. Is there any explanation 
for the apparently accident- 
inviting and mirth-provoking 
movement ? 

A. Yes ; one that is less a so- 
lution than an excuse "it's 
the fashion!" 



Land Ho ! 
(By a Disappointed Town-Dweller.) 

JOE once insisted, in a manner 
handsome, 

That Land should pay the land- 
less heavy ransom ; 

But now most paradoxical of 
fates ! 

The landless must pay half 
Land's " local rates." 

It once was held as worthy of 
belief 

That one should "set a thief 
to catch a thief." 

But now I fancy we thould un- 
derstand it : 

"The greatest foe cf ransom's 
an ex-bandit I " 



PARADOX (as it strikes a Venal 
Voter). With his cash at least 
a Conservative is sometimes 
vastly Liberal, and a Liberal 
tremendously Conservative. 



SPRING THOUGHT, BY A FLO- 
RIST. The finent field for the 
growth of primroses is Bea- 
consfield. 



OUR BOOKING-OFflCE. 

ON JOHN SMITH'S Platonic Affections, the most reoent of the 
"Key-Note Series," published by JOHN LANE of Vigo Street, the 
Baron's opinion is that the story is thoroughly interesting as long as 
we are concerned only in the history of two lovers, a couple of noodles 
old .enough to know better, who, not 
believing in themselves as lovers and 
wishing to live together as brother and 
sister, became man and wife in order to 
avoid scandalising Mrs. Grundy. The 
dialect conversations are probably ex- 
cellent, but to the majority of readers 
not up in the Lingo of Lipport, this 
portion of the book becomes rather 
wearisome To sum up, this book is an 
example of excellent material inartis- 
tically made up. 

Sriseis, who gives her name to Mr. 
BLACK'S last novel, just published by 
SAMPSON Low, will take her place in 
the front rank of the fair women of 
whom the novelist h as dreamed. S he is, 

in quite another way, as charming as the Princess in Thule. Mr. BLACK 
has struck a fresh note in bringing his heroine from Greece, though, 
as usual, he plants her out in Scotland, and lends her on long visits 
to London. Besides Briseis, herself a perfect work of art, the story 
is full of human people, beginning with the Greek girl's old uncle 
the naturalist, including delightful Aunt Jean and detestable 
Aunt Clara. The novel is published in a single six- shilling volume ; 
a new departure, my Baronite thinks, for Mr. BLACK. The arrange- 
ment will give early opportunity to tens of thousands to read a 
delightful book. The Baron recommends The FMW in the Marble 
in HUTCHINSON & Co.'s Leisure Library. Well written, interesting, 
likewise handy for pocketing, honestly. B. 




GOLDIE. 

Mr. John Haviland Dashwocd Goldie, the famous Cambridge oarsman, 
who led his University Eight to victory on three several and successive 
occasions, died on April 12, aged 47. 

GOIDIE gone, true, "gentle GOLDIF," genial man, and glorious 

" stroke," 

Who the nine-year spell of evil fortune for Cam's champions broke, 
Stroking them three times to triumph ! Sure the nymphs of sedgy 

Cam 

(If young Titans of to-day will tolerate poetic nun) 
Mourn a later LYCIDAS ! Upon his all too early bier 
Many manly hearts at least will drop the fond, regretful tear ; 
Followers of the Cambridge fortunes will remember with what 

pride 

They beheld, in Eighteen Seventy, gallant GOLDIE turn the tide 
Of the Light Blues' long defeats ; and how the thronged Thames 

reaches rang 

With the shouts of ancient Cantabs. Worthier hero ne\er sang 
Muscle-praising modern PINDAR. Cambridge needs a GOLDIR now, 
And when next her " ship," well captained, pushes home a winning 

prow 
May it be next year I fond memories on her grand old stroke will 

dwell, 

Dreaming that they hear his shout amidst the mob's mellifluous'yell. 
Good as gold must In that Captain ! Echo answers " It will do 
If he be as good as GOLDIE I " All survivors of his crew, 
All his friends and who shall count them ? hive his memory in 

their hearts. 

Every brave young Briton mourns when such a champion departs. 
Enviable fate, my masters 1 Loved all round and unf orgot, 
With fixed name on a great roll of victors. 'Tis a glorious lot ! 
Had we, too, a parsley crown or olive garland for our brave, 
These with honour might be laid most fittingly on GOLDIE'S grave I 



214 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 2, 1896 > 




MAY 2, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



215 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTBACTED FBOM THE DIABT OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, April 20. GRANDOLPH used to say, 
" CHAPLIN'S speeches would be first-rate if he would only sit down 
before he began his peroration." That was, however, merely jealousy. 
No one would like to have missed peroration to-night in speech 
introducing Agricultural Rating Bill. It came a little suddenly 
after matter-of-fact lucid explanation of details of Bill. Bat how 
full-toned it was ; how rotund ; how reminiscent of DJZZY, just now, 
from his pedestal in Parliament Square, looking down over the poor 
faded primroses with sardonic smile on the gaping crowd that blocks 
the pavement. To see the Farmer's Friend fling on the table the 
last sheet of the manuscript notes of his speech was most convincing. 
BUB K E and his dagger oast on floor of House a puny performance by 
companion. And then the Joyelike frown on his usually smiling 
countenance when he returned his seat was worih another shilling in 
the pound to the ruintd farmer. 

"Glad you liked my speech, TOBT," he m<J. " Finoy tbere i', 
as you siy, a touch cf the antique 
about its style. Bat I wish I could 
do even more for the famishing 
farmer. Often I think, when I 
come out of the Amphitryon, after 
a bread- and -cheese lunch, how 
would it be suppose I were to sit 
down on the pavement, and, as 
representative of the agricultural 
class, display a card bearing the 
legend 'I em starving'? Don't 
you think that would fetch 'em? 
I 'm told there 's a great run just 
now on Hviog pictures." 

" Capital idea," said SABK, who 's 
always ready to answer for ctaer 
people. " You were made for the 
part. Your haggard cheek, your 
attenuated form, your curved-in 
chest, your general appearance of 
tasting meat only once a week, and 
then in the form of bacon, always 
seem to me to mark you out for a 
model Minist-r of Agriculture in 
times of exceptional depression. It 
added to-night to the picturesque- 
ness of your spetcH. You'd make 
an immense hit in the character 
you suggest. Be sure you plant 
out your hat brim, uppermost, like 
the other fellows who draw land- 
scapes and sea pieces on the pave- 
ment. You '11 gt t more coppers than 
you can conveniently carry home." 

"Hum," said CHAPLIN, looking 
dubiously at SAUK. 

Business done. Agricultural 
Rating Bill brought in. Danced 
on by FOWLER and SQUIRE OF 
MALWOOD. 

Thursday. Dr. TANNER is be- 
ginning to think there 's something 
uncanny about the SPEAKER. Long 




AGRICULTURAL DEPRESSION. 



practice has enabled him to wrestle with Chair, whether it be filled 
by SPEAKER or Chairman. But he likes business conducted according 



of row irresistible, takes off coat, tumbles in, and whirls shillallegh 
to common danger of friend and enemy. LLOYD- GEORGE moves 
overtime shall cease at half-past three instead of four. TANNEK 
springs up to second Amendment. Two or three other light hearts 
below Gangway carol to same tune. SPEAKER lies low and says 
nuffin. Presently TANNER, believing that as so many had risen to 
second Amendment he was free from responsibility, began his speech. 
"Order! Order!" said the SPEAK ER ; "the hon. Member has 
already spoken." 

" No, Sir," said TANNER, with air of conviction, for he had only 
beon shouting. 

" The hon. Member seconded the amendment." 
"No, Sir," insisted the Doctor ; " it was the hon. Member behind 
me." 

"Several Members rose, and I took the seconding of the hon. 
Member ; " and the SPEAKER forthwith put the question. 

TANNER temporarily subsided ; House roared with laughter ; at 
least a quarter of an hour of precious time saved. 
Business done. Budget resolutions agreed to. 
Friday. Member tor S nth Monaghan consumed with thirst for 

knowledge. Whenever Carrick- 
ir across can spare the Chairman of 
its Town Commissioners, he c mes 
up to "Westminster, and fl'xids 
paper with questions. In the Chief 
Secretary's office he is known as 
The Daly Inquirer. Amongt 
questions in to-day's paper stand- 
ing in his name is one " to ask the 
Chief Secretary to the Lord Lieu- 
tenant of Ireland if he is aware 
that national school teachers have, 
put of their own pockets, to supply 
maps, tablets, school pictures, and 
chaits." 

Assuming question is based on 
fact, here is fresh injustice to 
Ireland. Why should national 
school teachers in that country be 
thus inconveniently loaded ? Some 
of them, SAUK tells me, live long 
distances ircm scene of their la- 
bours; have to trudge to and fro 
daily. Why srould they be re- 
quired to bulge forth their pockets 
with maps, tablets, school pictures, 
and obatts ready to meet capri- 
cious demand of school- children ? 

The form of Mr. DALY'S ques- 
tion suggests a way tut (f the 
difficulty. As he puts it, it is 
"out of their own pookets" the 
hapless teachers have to procure 
these articles, some of them (charts 
and school pictures) of considerable 
balk. There night be someone 
else's pocket out of which they 
might take them ; the county 
Member's or the Chairman of the 
Town Commissioners', for example. 
But that obviously only modifica- 
tion of a difficulty that really seems 
aibitrarily created. In England or 



to ordinary rules of the ring. 
"I don't mind being occasionally suspended," he said. 



It 



brings one's name well to the front, and supplies an opportunity of 
spending eight hours at the sea-side. Also, I have grown accustomed 
to being ordered to resume my seat just when, after a quarter of an 
hour's gabble, I am beginning to approach my subject. Moreover, 
it is quite common for a motion to be deolared carried when I have 
for some moments bawled out ' No I ' Those are ordinary expe- 
riences of a Member of my legislative habits. But when half-a- 
dozen fellows jump up to second an amendment, to have the 
SPEAKER fix upon you in particular as the seconder, and when, 
half an hour later, you come in prepared with a speech that shall 
further block business, for him to say you have already spoken 
well, now, that 's what I call hitting below the belt." 

Incident certainly a little hard upon Member of TANNER'S indus- 
trious habits. Motion before House was that Grand Committee on 
Law might sit till four o'clock, instead of observing usual practice 
of adjourning in time for meeting of House. Benefices Bill has 
stuck in throat of Grand Committee. Church and Nonconformity 
wrangling round it. Never get through unless Grand Committee 
works overtime. Nonconformity objects. Dr. BANNER, attraction 



Scotland the schoolroom would be fitted up with cupboards or drawers 
in which these indispensable articles might be stored, to be drawn 
upon in case of need^ The Member for South Mi naghan has called 
attention to a real grievance, which GERALD BAIFOUB, still anxious 
to kill Home Rule by kindnesp, will do well to remove. 
Business done. Scotch Votes in Committee cf Supply. 



' music 



In Nuce. 

ONE man's " noiee " is oft another's 
And what delights the many makes the few sick. 
" Relieve the few, and yet not rob the many," 
Is the lawmaker's aim if not a zany. 



GEOGRAPHICAL IiEM.^The town of Grasse is celebrated for its 
floriculture : it is also " where the widows come from." 



THE WAY OF THE WHISKEY-DRINK JR. 

THE only " Water Question" I will watch, 

Is how much should man mix with " Special Scotch ? 

FIVE-O'CLOCK " TIES." Suburban golf. 



216 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 2, 1896. 



AN APRIL SHOWER. 



SWRET BAB and I 

Sat under a tree. 
Oh, blue was the sky 

And the wind blew free. 
Oar cheeks were oloss. 

Bat she little heeded ; 
Hers flashed like a rose. 

Mine paled, as I pleaded 
For - maybe you '11 guess. 

Ah ! bad luck is a bore. 
Had I but said less, 

Or, perhaps, done more, 
All had yet been well. 

But my chance was gone ; 
The free wind fell, 

And the rain came on. 
She sighed " It thunders ! " 

I hadn't a "brolly." 
Alas for the blunders 

Of human follv ! 
I huffed, she tiffed ; 

How the rain did pelt 1 
I frowned, the sniffed. 

Ah ! she would not melt. 
Her eyes of blue, 

Like the sky, were veiled. 



Such chill showers, too I 

One had sworn it haiUd. 
/hailed a cab. 

Doll, dreary, damp. 
We sulked. Sweet BAB I 

For the lack of a gamp, 
I lost that kiss 

And thee, too, alack 
The chance we miss 

Comes never more back. 
Rain, soft Spring rain I 

As you wet the leaves, 
With repentance vain 

One broods and erieves. 
And the other? Faith! 

She is rich and gay, 
And she (hows small scathe ; 

Yet methinks to-day, 
When by chance we met 

In the lime-tree walk, 
With the small rain wet, 

That, though blithe our talk, 
She felt, as I, 

The malignant power 
Of a word awry, 

And an April shower. 



AS IT MAY BE. 

S" .... a solution of the difficulty might, perhaps, be found in em pan- 
ling, at a reasonable rate of remuneration, some of the unemployed 
members of the Junior Bar as special jurors." Daily Press.'] 

Mr. Justice Jawley (summing up case to jury of Barristers). In 
deciding upon the momentous issues involved in the case now before 
you, gentlemen, it will be for you, in the first place, to say 

A Juror (rising in the box). Pardon me, my Lord, it will be for 
you, in the first place, to say whether you intend to hold that the 
communication made by A. to B. is privileged or not. (Slight 
applause from rest of panel. ) 

Mr. Justice Jawley (rather taken aback). I er well, you see, 
gentlemen, I I was coming to that in due course; but if you 
prefer me to deal with it now, I may tell you that there is a case 
which settles the law upon that point conclusively. In Tomkyns v. 
Trout it was laid down by no less an authority than Mr. Justice 

Foreman of the Jury (interrupting). Your Lordship is evidently 
unaware that Tomkyns v. Trout which I may mention for your 
Lordship's guidance is reported in 10 Queen's Bench Division, 
page 392 has since been over-ruled in the Court of Appeal, see 
2 Appeal Cases, New Series, page 1263. 

Mr. Justice Jawley (rubbing his spectacles, nervously). Oh, 
indeed, indeed er yes thank you very much. I had overlooked 
that, but I dare say the Foreman of the jury is quite right. Well, 
then let me see where was I ? Oh, yes, I remember. This action 
is one brought for the express purpose 

Another Juryman. Pardon the interruption, my Lord, but my col- 
leagues in the box and myself are all agreed that it would be sheer 
waste of time to go into that matter, and travel all over the same 
ground again. We know perfectly well what the action is all about. 
We are only waiting to know if your Lordship has any new light to 
throw upon the subject. We do not suppose you have. Still, we are 
willing to wait and see. 

Mr. Justice Jawley. I I thank you. The question of privilege 
is, of course, one for me to decide, and I have no hesitation in hold- 
ing that, on the authority ot Baker v. Johnson 

A Juror (from the back of the box). Then what about Somers 
v. Smart P 

His Lordship. Really, really, gentlemen, this is most irregular. 
If you will kindly permit me to sum up this case in the ordinary 
way thank you. Perhaps I had better first deal with the testimony 
given by the witness C. He is a clerk in the employ of the Plaintiff, 
and what he says, in effect, is this, that on receipt of the 

Foreman of the Jury. We need not trouble your Lordship on that 
point. It would not in any case be evidence against the Defendant. 

Mr-. Justice Jawley (surprised). Bat if his act was within the 
scope of his authority 

Foreman (imperturbably). It wasn't. It was ultra vires. See 
Bryoe, page 1408. 

His Lordship (bursting into tears). Then, perhaps, Gentlemen, 
you had better take this matter entirely into your own hands ; I 
teem to be quite superfluous here. 

Foreman (in kindly tones). Oh, I don't know that. Your Lord- 
ship certainly is a trifle obsolete a fact to which, I fear, we shall 



have to call attention in a rider to any verdict we may return. 
Perhaps we had better settle the matter without TOU. 

[They retire to consider their verdict, tvhilst'M.r. Justice JAWLEI 
is removed from the Bench in a state of collapse. 




NOTES OF AN AFTERNOON'S "AMUSEMENT." 

WIND blowing a hurricane, with occasional heavy showers. Still, 
it won't do not to appear at the " meet " of the bicycle paper-chase 
in which the JONESES have asked me to take part. - Accordingly, 
mount my machine and ride through three miles of mud. Find 
about two dozen riders assembled at the 
meet, including four or five ladies ; like- 
wise a crowd of rustics, who greet each 
fresh arrival with loud cheers and personal 
remarks. Some delay in starting the 
hares. There were to have been an 'are 
and 'aress, but the latter declines to go, 
eo a gentleman takes her place. At last , 
the hares ride off amid a whirlwind of / 
scraps of paper. Ten minutes' "law" to ' 
be given them great excitement. Forty- 
five seconds before we are to start, Miss 
BROWN asks me kindly to inflate her tyre 
for her. lief use firmly. Starter drop? a 
flag, and a seething mass of bicycles rushes 
headlong downhilL Cn only eicape col- 
lision by a miracle. Miss BROWN charges 
straight for my hind-wheel. Elude her, 
and in so doing nearly knock over several 
others. More bumps from behind. Wish^that I had one of the 
insurance-newspapers in my pocket, expecting every minute to be 
smashed up. However, we all get away somehow. 

Road going uphill now, with gale full in our faces, should like to 
walk up this hill, but too proud to do so. Glance at the faces of my 
fellow-" hounds" nearest me. They don't look as if they were enjoying 
themselves. One unknown gentleman wastes his breath in talking to 
his bike as if it were a horse. " Come up, you beast. . . Would you, 
then. . . Came >, confound you." Just in front is a curate, with a 
very hi<h stiff white collar ; as we proceed, collar gets gradually limper. 
Still going uphill. Wind worse than ever. Begin to wish to exchange 
present position for a nice omfortable treadmill. Someone asks mo 
if I have *' seen any scent." Tell him not to be a fool. Afterwards 
discover that the paper dropped by the hares is called " scent." . . . 
Still going uphill. Ask a rustic whether he has seen the hares. 
Idiot answers, "Naw, an' naw rabbuts neither." Reach cross-roads. 
Which way are we to turn ? Refuse to ride against this wind aiy 
longer, and so make off to the right. Presently find that right is 
wrong, and have to come back again. Why, everyone has stopped 
has anyone been killed ? No, the hares have been caught. Fresh 
pair despatched. Stragglers come up from behind. Everyone dis- 
mounts, and says what a delightful ride we are having. Wish I 
knew the way home. 

Off again, still uphill. "Hounds" go off in every direction, 
intending, I expect, to sneak home. Suddenly the chain of one 
machine breaks in half, with surprising results. Another gentleman 
takes a corner toi sharply, comes down and cuts himself badly. In- 
terval for refreshment and bjndages. Only four of us together by 
this time, the rest scattered all over the county, trying to find their 
way home. The hares, as we learn subsequently, almost kill them- 
selves by racing for about twenty miles, laying elaborate false tracks, 
and riding at their utmost speed. As a matter of fact, no one at all 
is now pursuing them. Those of us whose machines haven't been 
smashed up ride slowly home. The remains of one are left at the 
nearest house, to be forwarded by Parcel Post. Am nearly killed 
by my companion mistaking her right hand for her left on the way 
tiome. However, we get back at last, and the rest straggle in at 
intervals. Then we drink to the success of the glorious sport of 
bicycle paper- chasing. 

Pity a Poor (Liberal) Leader. 

(By one who, if not the Rose (bery), has been near it.) 

DEAR me ! I had thought that the public was quite 
In love with Arnoldian " Sweetness and Light " ; 
But / seem to put the quidnuncs in a twitter, 
Unless as a speaker I'm " Heavy and Bitter." 



THE NEW CAMPUS MARTIXTS. Judging by the Daily Telegraph, 
our War Correspondent" stops at home to report on the troops 

starting for the battle-field. It may therefore he laid down that 

inspection is the better part of valour. 

A SPBIN EXHIBITION. A cat jumping over a wall. 



MAY 9, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



217 



HISTORY AT THE ROYAL 
ACADEMY. 

SCENE Burlington House. 
Two Critics before the 
Picture of the Year. 

Male Critic. Now, this is 
quite the best thing in the 
show, in my opinion. 

Female Critic. Oh, yes ; 
very good indeed. But I have 
lost my catalogue what is it 
about? 

M. Cri. Scarcely wants any 
description, as it tells its own 
story. Don't you see RICHABD 
THE THIBD is wooing the late 
Quf en ? 

Fern. Cri. Oh, yes. And 
who was the late King P 
"Wasn't it HENBY THE FIFTH ? 

M. Cri. Was it ? I almost 
forget. But didn't he win the 
Battle of Agincourt ? 

Fern. Cri. Yes, and that's 
where he killed RICHABD THE 
THIBD. Don't you remember, 
he cried out for a horse ? 

M. Cri. To be sure. But 
if RICHABD THE THIRD was 
killed by HENBT THE FIFIH, 
how could he be attending his 
conqueror's funeral ? That 
sounds wrong somehow. 

Fern. Cri. Not if the subject 
i taken from SHAKSPEABE. 
Wouldn't that be called 
"poetic licence" ? 

M. Cri. When one comes to 
think of it, I suppose it would. 
And then you see they are off 
to HENBY THE FIFTH'S Chapel 
at Westminster Abbey. 




SONS OF THE POETICAL MUSE. 

Robinson. " OH YES, \VE 'vis GOT PLENTY OF PROMISING YOUNG BAUDS. 

WHY, THERE *S THE SON OF DAVID, AND THE SON OF WAT, AND THE SON 
OF TBOMP, AND THE SON OF DOB; NOT TO MENTION THE SON OF ROBIN, 
IF I MAY MAKE SO BOLD 1 " 

Grigson. "AND THE SON OF GRIG! BUT NONE OF us WILL EVER QUITE 

COME UP TO THE SON OF TaNKY .'" 



Fern. Cri. HENBT THE 
SEVENTH you mean , Of course, 
how silly we have been ! It is 
HENBY THE SEVENTH'S fune- 
ralnot HENBY THE FIFTH'S ! 
And I suppose the lady to whom 
RICHABD is speaking must be 
one of HENRY'S Uueens. 

M. Cri. His widow, of course 
CATHEBINE PABB. You re- 
member she survived him. But 
what is RICHABD THE THIBD 
doing with her ? 

Fern. Cri. He was Duke of 
GLOUCESTER then, because 
surely MAR Y came after HENBY 
THE EIGHTH. Didn't she ? 
And wasn't HENBY THE 
EIGHTH the Royal Bluebeard ? 

M. Cri. Ab, to be sure, FO 
he was! Then it wouldn't 
have been his funeral. 

Fern. Cri. No, perhaps not. 
But, ^ whoever it is, the pic- 
ture is, as you say, capital. 

M. Cri. No doubt about 
that. And it doesn't matter 
which King it is, considering 
he is dead. 

Fern. Cri. Yes. Aid git is 
better he should be dead, when 
his widow so soon commences a 
flirtation I [The Critics pass 
on, and the scene closes 
with a chorus of approval. 



F BENCH INFLUENCE AGAIN. 
An important member of the 
Burmese troupe at the Crystal 
Palace is a caster of horo- 
scopes. His name is MOUNG 
GYEE. Surely it should be 
MOUNG SEES. 



CONDENSED CONFIDENCE. 

(For Ladies only.) 

DEABEST ETHELINDA, Your reproaches are not wholly reasonable. 
I have been silent because I natter myself that I am not an idle 
tittle-tattler. Mon verre n'est pas grand, mais je bois dans mon 
verre. In a word, I am not chiffonniere to the extent of some of my 
colleagues, who think nothing of intruding themselves unbidden 
into circles with which Ihey have neither scot nor lot. There is Mrs. 
FBOUFROU-DABB, for instance, of The Grand Duchess (her nom de 
plume is " Sweet Seventeen," though to my certain knowledge she 
has worn a toupet for a quarter of a century), she presented herself 
at the Count* s* of COCKALEEKIE'S reception the other night without 
having icceiyed the necessary card of invitation, and by her Fouche- 
like proceedings was enabled to give a tolerably correct account of 
the toilettes which foregathered. But how she could have been 
deceived by Lady SHUTTLI COCK'S tiara of false diamonds passes my 
understanding ! It is well known that the real stones have for long 
been in the custody of that eminent judge of gems Mr. MEDICI 
KONK, most of whose unredeemed pledges of misplaced confidence 
are well worth the attention of artistic connoisseurs. On my last 
visit to his establishment (I, of course, did not wish to consult him 

professionally) I was especially attracted by * However, to 

revert to Mrs. FROUFBOU-DABB, I can only suppose that sooner OT 
later she will reap the reward of her outrecuidance, and be forcibly 
removed from some fashionable assembly by one of those chasseurs 
(dear Lord ABTHUB calls them in his quaint old patois " chuckers- 
out") who guard the portals of the stately homes of England. 

"BLABETTE," of The Peri her real name is MABY ANNE 
WINKLE - is, to my mind, quite as impertinentlv obtrusive as is 
Mrs. DABB, only her method is quite different. Mrs. F. D. (quelle 
decadence de nom!) is a sort of female Prince RUPEBT, and 
charges into the ranks of Society on the slightest provocation Miss 
WINKLE subdues opposition by the feigned artlessness of the in- 
genue. She manages, by her time-serving humility, to scrape 
acquaintance with the great and omnipotent. She began by in- 
triguing at charity bazaars, where she would work for the Duchesses 

* Mr. MEDICI KONK. is an old and valued friend of ours, and we are sure 
that he would be the first to protest against the disclosing of the secrets of 
his jewel house. "We have therefore suppressed our correspondent's sub- 
sequent reference to his stock-in-trade. ED. 



and other eminent stall-holders like a slave born and bred, and 
never tired of going about with sofa cushions and smoking-caps for 
the (illegal) purpose of a raffle. Papa, who is rather myope, says 
that she is pretty, with a Greuze expression. I suggested that he 
was an excellent judge of painting, as applied to the fair sex. 
could tee that he quailed beneath my repartee, though he answered 
" Charity begins at home," one of those pitiful thrusts which only a 
father, and that father an Englishman, could direct against his own 
flesh and blood. I sarcastically recommended him to get a new 
lorgnon from the eminent Mr. SEEBBIGHT,* and so the matter ended. 
Meanwhile Miss WINKLE pursues her career of sycophant prying 
with a success which may be accounted for by her too frequent praise 
of the doings and raiment of certain grandes dames, whose good 
nature has been exploited at the expense of good grammar. I could 
give you a dozen instances, ma mie, of the way in which an honour- 
able profession is degraded to the level of a self-assertive trade, 
which is brought before the public by a ravenous m&ute of female 
Paul Prys. For myself, I am conscious that, when I am privileged 
to record the exquisite taste of this or that chatelaine of our Jin- 
de-siccle masurs, 1 am as impartial as when I am devoting my time, 
my pen, my paper and my brains to the judicious exaltation of 
some hard-working sister, whose name is not, and cannot be, asso- 
ciated with the Court Circular. 

Ever, dear, Your loving Cousin, EADJ. 

* "We have substituted the name of our own oculist, as in duty bound, for 
that of the optician recommended by KADJ. ED. 



THE HAIR UN-APPABENT. 2. propos of the Wyndham celebration 
last week, there appeared in the Westminster Gazette for Saturday, 
May 2, a portrait of the actor " in the uniform of the U. S. Army," 
which was described as " an early photograph." The photo was so 
early and so rapid, that the likeness was produced with only half a 
moustache; the other half probably not having had time to grow 
during the operation. This deficiency allows the future comedian to 
exhibit more cheek than would have been otherwise shown ; and this, 
perhaps, may be characteristic. 

ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. Mr. BABLOW is standing for Frome. It 
is to be hoped that Messrs. SAJTDFOBD and MEBTON will enable theii 
old friend to obtain a seat. 



YOL, ex. 



218 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 9, 1896 




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K^ M 

CO ^ S 

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111 



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MAT 9, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



219 




GREAT SELF-RESTRAINT. 

Lady in Pony -cart (who TIMS made several unsuccessful attempts to pass persevering beginner occupying the whole road). "^UNLESS YOU 

SOON FALL OFF, SlB, I 'jl AFRAID I SHALL MISS MY TRAIN I " 



LATEST STYLE IN MUSICAL CRITICISM.* 

MY readers will doubtless expect from me a fall account of Herr 
THUMPOFFSKI'S opening: concert. It took place on Tuesday last, and 
on ihat evening I had dined at the house of an hospitable friend, 
who insisted, however, on my eating* supreme de volatile a dish 
which never did agree with me. Why is it that an ordinary English 
cook, &c., &o. . . . (A lengthy gastronomic paragraph ts omitted 
here.) ... So it was in rather an un amiable frame of mind that I 
betook myse'.f about nine o'clock to St. James's Hall, intending to 
hear the last half of the programme. The cab in which I made 
my journey almost ran over a passing bicyclist. In my opinion, 
bicyclists, &c. . . . (The question is discussed here at some length.) 
, . . But to resume my account of the concert. I worked my way 
carefully to my stall, and began to look around me. In front was an 
old lady with a peculiarly hideous red dress. That particular shade 
always makes me quite ill. Just behind me two young ladies dis- 
cussed between the pieces the ethics cf flirtation with charming 
candour . . . (A full report of their conversation follows.) . . . Then 
I betook myself to the study of my programme. Before I had 
arrived someone had sung, " Waft Her, Angela." Now, although 
I hate digressions, I must be allowed to quote a charming story I 
heard lately in connection with that aria. . . . (Twenty lines of 
vapid anecdote are here omitted,) . . . The British Public likes 
HANDEL, which is only another proof of the British Public's folly. 
. . . (The superior merits of the Wagner school are here demon- 
strated at some length.) . . . But all through the evening I felt 
displeased with my environment. Was I influenced by the supreme 
de volaille f Suddenly I seemed to see ... (Thirty lines are here 
dtleted.) . . . Anyhow, when I awoke, &o., &c. . . . (Twenty lines 
of reflections on dream omitted.} . . . Still musing upon it, 1 lit my 
cigarette and, squeezing my way with some difficulty through the 
crowd of Philistines, left the Hall, and went home to bed. 

Such was Professor THUMPOFFSKI'S first concert; and, if I have 
seemed to describe it at unreasonable length, it is only because 

* We have found it necessary to make a few excisions in this article. 
The nature of the om lesions is noted in the course of it. ED. 



I with it to be clearly understood that it was momentous-^-an 
artistic event of the first magnitude. Prolixity well may be forgiven 
when its cause is the advancement of Art. 

I almost forgot to mention that some people, whose names I forget, 
played the piano, and sang, in the course of the evening. 



JOURNALISM MADE EASY. 

Advice to Nonces. Always have on hand " paragraphs" ; thus : 

(1) " Yesterday being the (here fill in number) anniversary of the 
natal day of H.lt.H. (insert name of Personage), a Royal Salute 
was fired in the Long Walk of Windsor Park, and the bells of St. 
George's Chapel rang out a merry peal." 

Mem. Vary with " The Royal borough was en fete," and describe 
weather. 

(2) "The noblemen and gentlemen who are students at Eton 
College have broken up for the (Christmas, Easter, or Midsummer) 
vacation. The collegians reassemble on (give date)." 

Mem. Vary with, " The school list now includes a roll-call of 
(give number) Oppidans and King's Scholars." 

(3) " According to ancient custom the Queen's Bounty was yester- 
day (Maunday Thursday) distributed to a number of deserving poor 

Krsons by (give name of almoner) at the Chapel Royal, St. 
me's. The little silver coins commanded a ready sale outside the 
sacred edifice." 

Mem. Occasionally describe purchasers of coins as "travelled 
Americans," and "ardent numismatists." 

(4) "As usual, Lord Mayor's Day and the Prince of WALES' s 
Birthday were celebrated together; and, in honour of the latter 
event, many of the leading tradesmen of the West-End displayed 
brilliant illuminations to the thousands who thronged the streets. 
We especially noticed the decorations presented by (here give selected 
names)" 

Mem. The devices being always the same, it is as well not to'give 
too minute a description of the designs ; but a great deal may be left 
to the imagination. 



220 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 9, 1896. 



JOTTINGS AND TITTLINGS. 

(BY BABOO HUBBY BTTNGSHO JABBEBJEE, B.A.) 
No. XII. 

Mr. Jabberfee is taken by surprise. 

DILIGENT perusers of my lucubrations to Punch will remember 
that I have devoted sundry jots and tittles to the subject of Miss 
JESSIMINA MANKLETOW, and already may have concluded that I was 
long since up to the hilt in the tender passion. In this deduction, 
however, they would have manufactured a stentorian cry from an 
extreme paucity of wool; the actual fact being that, although 
percipient of the well-proportionate lymmetry of her person and the 
ladylike liveliness of her deportment, I did never regard her except 
with eyes of strictly platonic philandering and calf love. 

It is true that, at certain 
seasons, the ostentatious 
favours she would squander 
upon other young masculine 
boarders in my presence did 
reduee me to the doleful 
dump of despair, so that 
even the birds and beasts of 
forest shed tears at my 
misery, and frequently at 
meal-times I have sought to 
move her to compassion by 
neighing like horse, or by 
the incessant rolling of my 
visual organs; though she 
did only attribute such ad 
mitericordiam appeals to the 
excessive gravity of the 
cheet e, or the immaturity of 
the rhubarb pie. 

But I was then a labourer 
under the impression that I 
was the odd man out of her 
affections, and it is well 
known that, to a sensitive, 
it is intolerable to feel that 
oneself is not the object of 
adoration, even to one to 
whom we may entertain but 
a mediocre attraction. 

On a recent evening we 
had a tete-a-tete which cul- 
minated in the utter surprise. 
It was the occasion of our 
hebdomadal dancing - party 
at Porticobello House, and I 
had solicited her to become 
a co-pattner with myself in 
the maziness of a waltz; 
but, not being the carpet- 
knight, and consequently 
treading the measure with 
too great frequency upon the 
toes of my fair auxiliary, 
she suggested a temporary 
withdrawal from circulation. 

To which I assenting, she 
conducted me to a landing 
whereon was a email glazed 
apartment, screened by hang- 




illumination, and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many 
geraniums. But this compliment she unhappily mistook as an in- 
sinuation that her complexion was of meretricious composition, and 
seeing that I had put my foot into a cul-de-sac, I became once more 
the silent tomb, and exhaled sighs at intervals. 

Presently she declared once more that she saw, from the dullness 
of my expression, that I was longing for the luxurious magnificence 
of my Indian palace. 

Now my domestic abode, though a respectable spacious sort of 
residence, and containing my father, mother, married brothers, &c., 
together with a few antique unmarried aunts, is not at all of a 
palatial architecture; but it is a bad bird that blackens his own 
nest, and so I merely answered that I was now so saturated with 
Western civilisation, that I had lost all taste for Oriental splendours. 
t Next she inquired whether I did not miss the tiger-shooting and 
pig-stioiing; and I replied (with voraciousness, since I am not the 

au fait in such sports) that I 
could not deny a liability to 
miss both tigers and pigs, 
and, indeed, all animals that 
were fera naturce, and she 
condemned the hazardous- 
ness of these jungle sports, 
and wished me to promise 
that I would abstain from 
them on my return to India. 
To this I replied that be- 
fore I agreed to such a self- 
denying ordinance, I desired 
to be more convinced of the 
sincerity of her interest in 
the^ preservation of my 
humble existence. 

Miss JESSIMINA asked 
what had she done that I 
should be in dnbitation as 
to her bona fides f 

Then I did meekly remind 
her of her flirtatious pref- 
erences for the young beef- 
witted London chaps, and 
her incertitude and disdain- 
ful oapriciousness towards 
myself, who was not a beetle- 
head or an obtuse, but a 
cultivated native gentleman 
with high -class university 
degree, and an oratorical 
(low of language which was 
infallibly to land me upon 
the pinnacle of some tip-top 
judicial preferment in the 
Calcutta High Court of 
Justice. 

She made the excuse that 
she was compelled by finan- 
cial reasons to be pleasant to 
the male boarders, and that 
I c ould not expect any m arked 
favouritism so long as I kept 



" I became once more the silent tomb." 



my tongue concealed inside 
my damask cheek like a 
worm in bud. 

Upon which, transported 
by uncontrollable emotion, I 
ventured to embrace her, 

ings and furnished with a profusion of unproductive pots, which is assuring her that she was the cynosure of my neighbouring eyes, 
styled the conservatory, and here we did sit upon two wicker- worked j and supplied the vacuum and long-felt want of my soul, and while 
chairs, and for a while were mutually sotto voce. occupied in imprinting a chaste salute upon her rosebud lips who 'd 

Presently I, remarking with corner of eye the sumptuousnees of have thought it I her severe matronly parent popped in through the 
her appearance, and the supercilious indifference of her demeanour, curtains and, surveying me with a cold and basilican eye, did demand 
which made it seem totally improbable that she should ever, like my intentions. 



Desdemona, seriously incline to treat me as an Othello, commenced 
to heave the sighs of a fire- stove, causing Miss JESSIMINA to accuse 



Nor can I tell what I should have responded, seeing that I had 
acted from momentary impulsiveness and feminine encouragement, 



me of desiring myself in India. had not Miss JESSIMINA, with ready-made female wit, answered for 

I denied this with native hyperbolism, saying that I was content ! me that it was all right, and that we were the engaged couple. ^ 
to remain in statu quo until the doom cracked, and that the con- But her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my viva voce 
servatory was for me the equivalent of Paradise. oorroboration of this statement, informing me that she was but a 

She replied that its similitude to Paradise would be more poor weak widow-woman, but that, if it should appear that I was 
startling if a larger proportion of the pots had contained plants, and ! merely the giddy trifler of her daughter's young, artless affections, 
if such plants as there were had not fallen into such a lean and j it would be her dolesome duty to summon instantaneously every 
slippered stage of decrepitude, adding that she did perpetually urge male able-bodied inmate of her establishment, and request them to 
her mamma to incur the expense of some geranium-blooms and a few inflict deserved corporal chastisement upon my person 1 
fairy-lamps, but she had refused to run for such adornments. So, although still of a twitter with amazement at Miss JESSIMINA'S 

And I, with spontaneous gallantry, retorted that she was justified announcement, I considered it the better part of valour to corrobo- 
m such parsimony, since her daughter's eyes supplied such fairy rate it with promptitude, rather than incur the shocking punches 



MAY 9, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



221 



and kicks of numerous athletic young com- 
mercials; and, upon hearing the piece of 
good news, Mrs. MANKLETOW exploded into 
lachrymalion, saying that the was divested 
of narrow-minded racial colour prejudices, 
and had from the first regarded me as a 
beloved son. 

Then, blessing me, and calling me her 
Boy, she clasped me against her boeom, 
where, owing to the exuberant redundancy 
of her ornamental jetwork, my nose and chin 
received severe laceration and disfigurement, 
which I endured courageously, without a 
whimper. 

When I have grown more accustomed to 
being the lucky dog, I shall commence coeka- 
hooping, and become merry as a grig. At 
the present moment I am only capable of 
wonderment at the unpremeditated rapidity 
with which such solemn concerns as betrothals 
are knocked oil' in this country. 

Bat if, as Macbeth says, such jobs are to 
le done at all, then it is well they were done 
quickly. 

SPORTIVE SONGS. 

A LA\VN TENNIS MARTTTR WITH REFERENCE 
TO "THAT MAN." 

THE net is ready for the fray, 

(The first of all the year,) 
I wait to hear your ciy of " Play " 

To " take " the bounding sphere. 
Yet why is it you won't begin ? 

Have you some other plan ? 
Does it amuse you there to ipin 

Your racquet round That Man ? 

The lazy looseness of your dress 

Belies your active wrist ; 
Not Atalanta's suppleness 

Could serve your cunning " twist." 
And still without a sign of you 

That empty court I scan ; 
It 's not a pleasant sight to view 

When bounded by That Man. 

I pat the ball aloft for fun, 

A cut or two I try, 
But " single dummy " soon is done 

When " double dummy " 's nigh. 
Will you that conference not end \ 

Your bat is not a fan : 
Now speaking to you as a friend, 

I should distrust That Man I 

A little loon with curl'd moustache, 

Of no athletic type 1 
The sort of cad, who talks of " mash," 

And dare not smoke a pipe ! 
At last you 'ye finished ! Boy 1 the ball ! 

Make music, great god Pan ! 
Not going to have a game at all! 

Tripp'd off I And with That Man I 



" WHAT 's IN A NAME ? " Sometimes 
there is something in a name. For instance, 
the picturesque and apparently harmless one 
of Pentremoch, a village in Flintshire, con- 
tains more than meets the eye of mortal man 
unversed in the Welsh tongue for in this 
language "Pentremoch" signifies nothing 
lees than " Pigs' Village." We are not sur- 
prised to learn, therefore, from the Liverpool 
Daily Press, that the inhabitants of the 
place are clamouring at their Parish Council 
to "give it a name" other than its present 
appellation. Yet "Pigs' Village" would 
teem a sufficiently appropriate name for a 
hamlet. Perhaps, when tl Pentremoch" is 
discarded, it may still find a resting-place 
and "pan out well" on the shores of Lake 
Michigan as a synonym for " Porkopoli" I 

UNLICENSED PEDALLERS. Cyclists. 




Passenger (rising politely). " EXCUSK MB, MUM, Birr DO YOU BSLIBVB IN WOMAN'S 
RIGHTS ? " 

New Woman, "MOST CERTAINLY I DO." 

Passenger (resuming seat), "On WELL, THEN STAND UP FOB 'PM I" 



TIPS FOR CRITICS. 

IF you want a great casus belh, 
If you would ba thumped to a jelly, 

Just dare to suggest 

That the greatest and best 
In the world is not MARIE CORELLI I 
If you would be blown from a cannon, 
Or drowned in the Thames or the Shannon, 

Jnst venture to hint 

That in all British print 
There 's a bigger than ROBERT BUCHANAN I 
But if you 'd be ranked with old buffers, 
And solace a Public which suffers 

From egotists' "blow," 

Just successfully show 
They 're a couple of quarrelsome duffers I 
Then ROB will be-rate and be-yelp you, 
Then MARIE will scout, scold, and skelp you ; 

Whilst people of sense, 

With compassion immense, 
Most devoutly will pray " heaven help you I " 



FORTHCOMING WORK ON DRAMA OF THE 
DAT. The Gusher by The Geisha. 



CHARLES OUR FRIEND 1 

MR. PUNCH presents his congratulations to 
Mr. CHARLES WYNDHAM on the successful 
celebration of his tercentenary no, that was 
WILLIE SnAKSPEARE-of his twentieth year 
of good management. He should have waited 
just another twelvemonths and madeittwenty- 
one years completed. But at all events Master 
CHARLEY is nowin his twenty- first year, which 
is the age of discretion. Henceforth he will be 
aresponeibleperson. "Ite ad astro," CHARLES, 
and take your place among the theatrical 
stars : a first-class place of which you may 
well be proud, though never let it be said, 
"CHARLES'S Wainl" and may the day be 
long distant when CHARLES is on the wane. 
Prosit, Magitter Carolus ! 

Epitaph on an Artistic Failure. 
MEN taid of him " The ball was at his feet," 
The goal (of Art) he thought ia sight he 

saw; 

Yet in life's match he mostly met defeat 
And ended early in " a pointless draw." 



222 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 9, 1896. 



^'fl^rv %J*>* N SN/A . -:*i to 







CHANCE PLAYMATES. 

(75 in Ae Shade.) 

Effie, (to Sight Reverend Stranger, who has been very good-naturedly playing at ball with her 
for the last half -hour). "AND NOW I 'VK GOT TO GO IN, I'M SOBBT TO SAY. So I 'M AFRAID 
YOU 'LL HAVB TO GO ON PLATING AIL BY YOURSELF 1 " 



LONDON LACKPENNY; 

OR, THE BITTER CRY OF THE RATE-CRUSHED 

COCKNEY. 
(A very long way after John Lydgate.) 

[" The Bill would be a class measure, pure and 
simple, designed to benefit one peculiar kind of 
property at the expense of all others, transferring 
the burdens of one class to the shoulders of the 
general community, and appropriating national 
funds now enjoyed by the whole community." 
Mr. George Whiteley on the Agricultural Land 
Eating Bill.} 

IN London all my life is spent. 

Bat trade is bad, and my heart doth faint. 
I am eaten up by my rates and rent, 

And in vain doth a Cockney raise complaint. 

A poor shopkeeper should be a saint. 



" Pity the poor I " men say, indeed, 
But for lack of money I may not speed I 

I am thrust atide the press among, 
For I am not forward at raising a row. 

The working-man, he is loud and strong. 
And the bumpkin 'a good at the big bow- 
wow. 
Of half his rates they 'd relieve Ami now. 

But my " depression " they do not heed, 

And for lack of money I may not speed 1 

Of the Rural Ratepayer they raise great rout. 

But the Rural Landlord must raise his rent I 
So I more money must fain fork out 

To help ratepayers in Surrey and Kent. 

I must pay my rates and appear content. 
And it seems a hantle of theirs, indeed, 
Though for lack of money I may not speed ! 



The Stores and monopolists play it low 
On me, till my trade is but little good. 

Yet /must pay every penny I owe. 
(By the living Jingo, I wish I could I) 
Keen competition and trade falsehood 

Grind me 'twiit out and co-operate greed, 

Till for lack of money I may not speed 1 

Now Mr. CHAPLIN, with cheek immenie, 

"Wants me to plump further the Chancellor ie, 
Though my income-tax is at present eight 
h-"ri pence I 

- But none of the bigwigs regard poor me, 
For I do not kick up a shine, yon see. 
If I do not holloa, they do not heed, 
Though for lack of money I may not speed ! 

At Westminster there is hardly one 
Who gives the poor cockney of hope a ray. 

To help the farmers and squires it fun, 
Whilst I, poor pilgarlip. must up and pay ! 
Or the rate-collector will have his way, 

And my last half-crown, or my goods, indeed. 

Though for lack of money I may not speed 1 

Within that House neither Rad nor Tory 
Will do for me aught, although I should die. 

With the rural lot 'tis another story, 
For CHAPLIN heedeth the country cry ; 
And I poor townsman must help them ! 
Why? 

My back is well-nigh broken, indeed, 

And for lack of money I may not speed I 



NOT ON VIEW AT THE BERLIN 
EXHIBITION. 

COLLECTION of Brituh Comic Songs on the 
subject of the EMPEROR'S telegram to KRUGER. 

Press cuttings of English journals com- 
menting on the KAISER'S diplomacy. 

Answer to the despatch congratulating Pro- 
fessor MAX MULLER on the success of Oxford 
in the boat-race. 

Original of the letter supposed to have been 
written by one Illustrious Personage to another 
Illustrious Personage in reply to an alleged 
essay on " The Extraction of the Yoke of 
Egs by Suction." 

List of engagements of H.I.M. for the day 
aft* r to-morrow. 

Vote of thanks to H.I M. from all the 
University Professors, Bandmasters, Theatri- 
cal Managers. Ecclesiastical Authorities, 
Artists, and Experts in other branches of 
Art, Science, T neology, and Commerce living 
in Germany. 

Letters of cordial goodwill from Illustrious 
Personages to the Head of the Family v thank- 
ing H.I.M. for giving them an opportunity 
of leaving Berlin with a view to a lengthy 
sojourn elsewhere. 

And, finally, current number of Punch, or 
the London Charivari. 



REAL RECIPROCITY 

A Suggestion to Mr, Chaplin. 

SOME islanders 'tis understood 

(Wit's freakish fancy why be quashing r) 
Earned a precarious livelihood 

By taking in each other's washing ! 
CHAPLIN mine, financier fine, 

Friend of the interest tooralooral, 
Here is a hint as plain as print 

Whereby our votes you may secure all. 
It must commend itself, and will, 

To urban and bucolic pates, 
If you arrange, by a new Bill, 

We all shall pay each other 1 s rates ! 



FBOM A COUNTRY COBKESPONDENT. "Sni, 
A propos of your ' Common or Garden 
Rhymes ' in last week's number, may I 
suggest to you that when ' Pairs ' come in, 
4 Gooseberries ' are off ? 

"Yours, Due DE BERRI." 



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NEW REGULATION FOR THE SAFETY OF BICYCLISTS. 

A MAN WITH RED FLAG MUST PRECEDE ALL HORSEMEN. 



AUTHOR BAITING AND ITS REMEDY. 

(Perorations of the Press Past and Prophetic.) 
.... The OUT tain fell amidst thunders of 
applause, and the approbation was repeated 
as each performer walked in turn in front of 
the foothght. At length there was a cry for 
"Author." For a quarter of an hour that 
gentleman was conspicuous by his absence. 
When, however, he did appear, the yells of 
derision of a small minority were sufficient to 
over whelm the more favourable demon stra- 
lion of the vast majority. Bat disorderly as 
the audience were, they were no worse than 
many a first night gathering in a "West End 

temple of the drama. 

* * * * 

.... The judge having retired to his 
private room after delivering sentence, there 
was a demonstration in court, which lasted 
for some minutes. The jury cheered to the 
echo, and, fancying that they might require 
further assistance, his lordship returned to 
the bench. Then several persons at the back 
of the couit commenced "bo-hooing," and 
only desisted when the judge had made his 
filial disappearance. For all that, his lord- 
ship had nobly done his duty. 

.... To the vast majority of the congre- 
gation the address of the eloquent ecclesiastic 
was entirely satisfactory. However, the reve- 
rend gentleman had scarcely retired to the 
vestry before there was a clamour for his 
reappearance. Two prominent persons in a 
front pew led the demonstration. The worthy 
clergyman, upon hearing the noise, looked 
out from behind the vestry door, when imme- 
diately there was heard the sound of hissing. 
And such is the portion of an orator at the 

close of the nineteenth century I 

* * * * 

.... In conclusion, much may be said in 
favour of the new " Bill to Prevent Insults 
to Authors in Theatres, &o." On the other 
hand, it is only proper to point out that had 
the British Public sufficient self-respect, the 
coming statute would be unnecessary. With 
a right understanding on the subject, the 
truculent pitite and the graceless gallery boy 
would, on such occasion, both find an appro- 
priate bath in the horse-pond. 

FAIK WEATHER PBOFITS. Those attached 
to the show at Earl's Court. 



A HAUNTED HOUSE. 

[Lord LEIOHTON'S house, pervaded by the 
spirit of a man and an artist, whose whole life 
was noble, dignified, and beautiful, filled with 
some of the most precious artistic treasures in the 
country, would make an ideal centre of interest. 
Westminster Budget.} 

A HAUNTED house ! Yet not by spooks and 

sprites, 
Like HOOD'S grim mansion, is this great 

house haunted. 
TU a House Beautiful, home of delights, 

Ennobling memories, and charms enchanted. 
Here LEIGHTON lived, and garnered what he 

loved, 
All shapes of splendour, and all forms of 

beauty. 

Its master, now to loftier realms removed, 
Leaves his loved home, and to his land 

a duty. 
We miss, this May, his presence bland, 

benign, 
Gone from the home he reared, the halls 

he dowered 

With daintiest decoration, high design ; 
And now another London May hath 

flowered 

His halls are desolate ; the fountain sprays 
Its mounting silver, but his voice is mute. 
Must it fade out, the light of brighter days. 
The loss of LEIGHTON'S home be absolute ? 
Were it not gracious work, and generous 

gain, 

1 'To save this shrine of Art from desecration, 
The huckster and the hammer? It were 

pain 

To see it lost to our Art-lacking nation. 
Enough hath Babylon of the drear'and dull, 
Ugliness lays grim hands our civic state 

on. 

The purchase of this new House Beautiful 
Were honour both to London and to 
LEIGHTON. 



"Pikes and Bikes." 
(By a "Hiding" Poet.) 

our sires would try 



Do abrogate the highway " pikes." 
No tolls to-day, can bar the way, 

But freeing of the road brought ",bikes" ; 
And there are many Northern Tykes, 
Who would prefer the "pikes" to ",bikes." 



MOKL DEPRESSION ! 

PEAR MR PUNCH, I want, with youi per- 
mission, to ventilate (odious word!) a real 
rnral grievance. In all large towns "lifts" 
are coming in ; but have you ever noticed 
how they are going out in the country ? I 
am an old pedestrian hand, and very often 
should be only too thankful for a lift in some 
kind of conveyance on the last few miles of 
my road ; yet, you will hardly credit it, never 
am I offered one ! 

Now why is this? In old novels one is 
always reading of somebody usually the 
fair heroine getting a " cast in a waggon." 
Where is dat waggon now? Of course, I 
don't mean that a comfortable dog-cart 
would not le infinitely preferable to any 
waggon ever invented; but neither the one 
nor the other thinks of offering a "cast." 

Somebody may argue that it 's due to there 
being so few traps on country roads ; but no, 
there are heaps, and the drivers all seem in 
such a hurry they don't even give a glance 
at a poor wayfarer. Talk of rural quiet! 
The null ana tear along country roads is 
worse than in town. 

I don't ask that everybody walking along 
a lane should be offered a friendly seat ; only 
the obviously respectable, and as obviously 
tired, traveller has a claim. Even in this 
age of tramps, cycles, high rates, &c., the 
old rural civility need not be allowed to die 
out. Mr. CHAPLIN has given the farmer a 
lift. Let the farmer do the same for the poor 
toiler of the roads ! LONG LANE. 



A Nursery Grace. 

[" The Dowager Duchess of ABERCORN has now 
120 descendants."] 

MR. PUNCH understands that your Grace 

Of descendants can reckon six score. 
Gentle lady, he hopes that your race 

May continue to give you yet more. 
And that they in their turn and in fulness of 

Time 
May consistently score in a nursery rhyme. 



INEXPLICABLE MODESTY. Lord DTJFFEBIN 
claims to have the " smallest volume in the 
world." Nevertheless, we ehall continue to 
look upon him as a very big man. 



226 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 9, 1896. 




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MAT 9, 1896,] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



227 



AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. 

No. 2. "With a song" probably. By GBEIFFENHAGEN after 



No. 27. " A Legal Fiction." (John) Doe and (Richard) Roe 
nibbling at an apple tree. ROBEBT W. MACBETH, A. 

No. 33. " Clouds o'er the Sea." Remarkable picture of High 
Tide by WATER-LOW. See Waterlow. ' 

No. 47. " The Widower." By J. B. BUBGESS, R.A. But for 
title should have described it as "A Ticklish Situation," showing 
how a poor man in church held his nose to prevent himself from 
disturbing the congregation by a violent sneeze. 

No. 48. A lovely " Dish of Prawns," taken by a HOOK, R.A 
Odd this. Prawns being generally taken by a net. 

The SABGENT A., who is a General Portrait Painter of the Firsl 
Order of Merit, gives us " The Right Hon. Joseph Chamberlain, 
M.P.," 64 1 But JOSEPH can't be that ! somewhere ^about 50 would b< 
nearer the mark. Of course he has an orchid in his buttonhole, anc 
is probably reading President KBTJGEB'S reply, and laying to him- 
self, " This is rather an orchid position for me ! " Above his head 
Miss ELIZABETH WHITEHEAD has hung (65) " Chrysanthemums," 
which, if she had only thought of it, ought to have been orchids. 

The " Refections " of W. Q,. ORCHABDSON. R. A., (71) are charming. 
The "Empire" style has long ago proved, for him at least, the 
truth of the saving, " L' Empire c'est la paix!" or, translated, 
"It is the Empire style that pays." 

No. 83. Mr. SHANNON'S Mrs, Baird is cb arming. Another and 
equally correct title would be "Missis Clothed," not "Missis 
BAIBD." 

Mr. G. F. WATTS, R.A., has given us an excellent likeness of 
Alfred Gilbert, R.A., Sculptor. Only WATTS'S colours ran; so 
the dye has come off poor GILBEBT'S tie and has stained his collar, 
which has therefore the appearance of having been made out of a 
reproduction, in linen, of the willow-pattern-plate tint. 

No. 99. Portrait of Mrs. Frank Bibby. By LUKK FILDES, R.A. 
Decidedly "One of the Best." Motto, words of popular sang 
adapted" Jollv I mv ! and the Bibby I " 

No. 105. " Golden October." By J. MAcWniBTEB, R.A. To be 
classed not among " the SMTOWS" but the "Joys of WHIBTEB." 

No. 111. Stanley Leighton, M. P.. apparently considerably asto- 
nished at finding himself so admirably reproduced by our own Sir 
JOHN MILLAIS, Bart., P.R.A. 

No. 121. Touching picture, by HUBEBT HEBKOMBR, R.A , of 
nurse taking out invalid child just convalescent. "HUBERT" was 
always kindly towards children. Witness his treatment of little 
Prince Arthur. Vide SHAKSPEABE'S King John. 

No. 138. Monsieur de Blowitz. By BENJAMIN CONSTANT. Is 
this a gift of the punter's to Oar Leading Journal, which M. DE 
BLOWITZ has so long and so admirably serve! P If so, the inscrip- 
tion should be " Constant to the Times." 

With these few notes must end our first visit. We are delighted to 
see the veteran SIDNEY COOPEB, R.A., at his best in 171, "Among the 
Mountainsjn Skye," but of course not " skye'd." Also FBEDEBICK 



We call attention to President MILLAIS' " Marchioness of Tweed- 
dale " (280), which, as a speaking likeness, is not "Tweeddale-dumb." 

SEYMOUR LUCAS makes " Spanish Main " tell its own Spanish 
tale. See more Luc48 in our next. 

No. 616. " Richard Duke of Gloucester and the Lady Anne." 
Another title, " Dick and Anne ; or, the Double Gloucester who 
thinks himself quite the Cheese, and the Lady who has just lost a 
Sovereign." 1 Had the artist needed a line of popular verse he would 
have used "Dick awry! Dick awry I Dock I" For, if ever villain 
ought to have ended in a dock, and been found guilty, it was that 
accomplished scoundrel, "afterwards RICHABD THE THIRD." A mar- 
vellous work by EDWIN A. ABBEY, A. This will be the talk of the 
public. The scene is in London, probably in the vicinity of West- 
minster, the'situation being from Richard the Third, Act I., scene 1, 
and will entitle the American artist to be remembered ever after as 
" Westminster Abbey." This is the picture of the year. Most cer- 
tainly it is the very Abbeyest of " Abbey Thoughts." 

The Blush of Spring. 

[" As a whole, I believe Spring blushes for warmth." Mr. Grant Allen.] 
" THE blush of Spring " doth sound a pleasant thing. 
But if for " warmth " she blushes, proof is ample, 
That unto some who write and some who sing 
Spring sets a good example. 

. CoNTBiBUTED BY THE " SEC."" The Pop of a Champagne Cork 
is, to'a thirsty soul, the best practical illustration of Fizzical Force." 
Dernier mot de Pommery d ton GreTSo ?si. 



PENTADECYLPARATOLYLKETONE 




THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR. 

Lecturer (at our Penny Beading). " THESE RAYS, WHEN ALLOWED TO 
FALL UPON PAPBB THAT HAS BEEN SATURATED WITH CERTAIN 
CHEMICALS, NAMELY, SULPHIDE OF CALCIUM, AND AND PBNTA 

EB PBNT A DB BB PERHAPS IT WILL BE MORE SATISFACTORY 

ir THE GENTLEMAN IN CHARGE OF THE LIMELIGHT WILL KINDLY 

THROW THE WORD UPON THB SCBEBN 1 " 

[N.B. He had provided the Slide in case of need. 



THE MILLIONS TO THE MILLIONAIRES. 

[The men of Wai worth have "improved the occasion" of the death of 
Baron HIRSCH by addressing an appeal to the millionaires of England.] 

YE millionaires of England, how swellingly ye stand, 
(Whilst CHAPLIN of the glittering glass laments about the land I) 
We working men of Wai worth are pining for a park, 
And Baron HIRSCH has set ye all a lesson ye should mark. 
The " elevation of the poor" by other means than drink 
Were worthy work for millions like your own. What do you think ? 
Your " public spirit, looking out for means to help," might use 
The moral yielded by the tale of the Baron and the Jews I 

Ye millionaires of England, we number millions too, 

But ours are hungry mouths to fill upon a paltry screw I 

We working men of Walworth are often short of grub, 

Oar only home is in a slum, our only joy, the pub. 

The difference between us, gents as he may know who cares, 

Is that we are the Millions, whilst you 're the Millionaires I 

That difference looks slight enough, men big millions all worth, 

But if you 'd know its full extent just come and visit Walworth I 



Compensation. 

" THEBE is nae luck aboot the House 1 " 

Pipes " Auld lang " LECKY, sour and pecky. 
Cheer up I 'Twill not lack luck or nous, 
Till men must sing " There is nae LECKY I " 

MEREDITH , MORRIS, HARRISON, LECKY, lanky I 
Genius great, fine talent, cleverness cranky ! 
But for a blend of worship and sly raillery, 
Nought equalled the " New Gal " at the New Gallery ! 



228 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 9, 1896. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

EXTRACTED FEOM THE DIABT OF TOBY, M.P. 

House of Commons, Monday, April 27. House met to- day as 
lual at three o'clock ; adjournment of business automatic at clang 



work upon one of most important bills of Session ; a measure 
SQUIBE OF MALWOOD describes as revolutionising system of local 
taxation, and HENRY FOWLER denounces as the alternative iniqui- 
tously selected by Ministers, in place of taking off a penny from 
burden of long-suffering income-tax pay/r 1 ' 

However this be, there is involved in measure subvention of a 
million and a half a year, drawn from po ;ket of taxpayer paid into 
pocket of agricultural ratepayer. To ordinary intelligence seems 
more useful to discuss this than to question whether private Members' 
time is or is not being taken earlier than usual this Session. House, 
of course, is far above range of average intelligence. It knows best, 
and it gave six freshest hours of sitting to animated dioussion of 
order of procedure, leaving dregs of sitting to discussion of Agricul- 
tural Rating Bill. 

Nor is this all calculated to dumbfounder Average Intelligence, 
represented by Man in Strangers' Gallery. Whilst procedure under 
discussion benches crowded. In one division 463 voted. Laughter 
and cheers from time to time rang through House. When, the 
second reading Rating Bill came on, beggarly array of empty benches 
fronted SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY, as he frizzled up SHAW-I/EFKVBE 
vainly trying to hide himself in a top-coat under Gallery. TANNER 
so touched by this lamentable condition of affairs that, in midst of 
one of SQUIRE'S towering sentences, he moved a Count. Members 
trooped in in numbers sufficient to make a House, but fled from the 
wrath yet to come from BLANKNEY. It was all meant for SHAW- 
LEFEVBE ; but spluttering sparks are not discriminating in their 
fill, and Members were safer outside. 

SHAW-LEFEVRE not a Member of the House now, or of course 
wouldn't be under the Gallery. Is President of Royal Commis- 
sion on Agriculture still sitting. Under CHAPLIN'S lead it muti- 
nied ; put the Captain under hatches ; then marooned him and 
altsred the log-book. Castaway rescued by passirg whaler ; worked 
his way home ; wrote letter to newspapers attacking CHAPLIN and 
his Bill. The SQUIRE now rejoins with terrific force. 

Doesn't seem ti have much to do with sesond reading of Agricul- 
tural Rating BUI, but is quite in keeping with the genus of the 
sitting. Business done. Talkee-talkee. 

Tuesday. No more morning sittings. The Assyrian of Treasury 
Bench has come down like a wolf on the fold of the private Member ; 
eaten up his last ewe lamb, fluffy tail and all. Bitter complaints, 
more particularly of earliness of raid. Private Member, accustomed 
to being bullied, argues that at least he might have been left alone 
a ii tt-le longer. 

"Never knew such thing done before Whitsuntide," says 
OSBORNE MORGAN. 

"Thank your stars it isn't befora E*ster," says the SQUIBE or 
MALWOOD. who is in, ominously cheerful mood. " Reminds me of a 
ttory O'NFILL DAUJST used to tell. Politically a dreadful man 
DAUNT. Worse than DAVITT ; but great friend of LECKZ'S. Must 
therefore be respectable man. Story about widow of Irish 
farmer riding home from her husband's funeral on crupper of a 
neighbour's horse. When they had trotted about quarter of 
mile from last resting-plaoe of first husband, the farmer asked the 
widow to marry him. ' Of conrse I will,' she said. ' Why didn't 
you speak sooner?' That's what I say to PRIHCE ARTHUR. He 
oomes down on 27fch of April and takes last vestige of Private 
Members' time. ' Why didn't you speak sooner,' I ask him." 

This, the first appropriated day, used to push forward second 
reading Agricultural Rating Bill. Great interests touched. As 
DON JOSE, whilst still in state of sin, described situation, Ministers 
are robbing PETBR to pay PAUL PETER being the landless millions, 
PAUL the many-acred landlord. In such circumstance might expect 
benches crowded; House seething with excitement. Onontrary, 
benches empty, save for Members who had prepared short essays, 
and jump up en masse in effort to catch SPEAKER'S eye when 
another, having finished reading his paper, drops the envied orb. 

Only one man rises above level of depressing circumstances. 
ROBSON, Q..C., stirs sluggish pool with breezy speech. Admirable 
in matter, delivered straight out from the shoulder. Best thing yet 
done by new Member. SARK, nothing if not precise, says ROBSON 
not new Member, but second-hand. Been in before. That is trifling. 
He is new with this Parliament, and if he spares time to its debates 
will make his mark in it. But no man can serve two masters, 
especially when one is the insatiable House of Commons. 

KOBSON spoke without a note. FINCH-HA.TTON had a sheaf, anc 
they buried him in their abundance. It was the dawn that did it 
In quietude of study, FINCH had born to him quite new idea abou' 




Breezy and Brilliant. 
R-ts-n, Q.C. 



'dawn of better times" heralded by SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY'S Bill. 
[his, of course, to be introduced at end of speech. Somehow or 
ither notes got mixed. The dawn turned up in the middle of night, 
is it were, just at the time where FINCH meant to be telling the 
louse a few quite proper stories about life in Australia. One mis- 
'ortune led to another. There was Tyre and Sidon, with the close 

bearing of their history on 
our system of agricultural 
rating ; would have made 
admirable point ; but one 
sheet having got wrong, all 
the rest were out of gear ; 
Tyre and Sidon came in in 
the wrong century. Then the 
dawn, with quite uncanny 
abruptness, turned up again, 
and FINCH, "welcoming it 
with open arms," as he said, 
Eat down. 

" All very well to laugh at 
FINCHEY," said SABK: "but 
he 's quite right. In. old 
times of all-night sittings 
often seen a man stretching 
himself to welcome dawn 
with open arms ; and open 
month too. We used to call 
it yawning. But FINCHEY is 
too poetic to put it that way." 
Business done. Debate pn 
Agricultural Rating Bill. 

May Day. 2 A.M. Second 
reading Agricultural Rating 
Bill, carried by swinging 
majority. Had been big talk 
of all-night sitting. Members 
hurrying home or out to din- 
ner froze the social circle with 
gloomy countenance. "Not 
a pleasant thing, you know," 
they said, " to be kept out of 
your bed all night listening to 
reiterated argument, or walking round and round the lobby as if it 
were a lap in a ten-mile heel-and-toe match, but it must be done. 
Country expects it, and no man should shirk his duty." 

So they moodily sipped an extra glass of port and went off, ready 
to suffer all things, even grilled bones and devilled kidneys between 
two and three in the morning. 

But present House isn't up to all-night sittings. By one o'clock, 
when JOKIM resumed seat after lively round with SQUIRE OF MAJ.WOOD, 
there were hungry cries for the division. LOUGH moved adjournment. 
PRINCE ARTHUR pounced. Where there is amendment to original 
question, Closure involves three divisions. Each division takes 
fro ai fifteen to twenty minutes. So, early on this May morning, 
round and round the division lobbies we went, as our forefathers 
footed it round the maypole. By putting on s,urt, got through this 
process of legislation just inside fifty minutes ; and so home to bed, 
with proud consciousness of having literally walked the Agricultural 
Rating Bill past a second reading. 

SARK has given AKERS-DOUGLAS private notice of his intention to 
k whether, in view of saving public time, there would be any 
objection to laying down cycle tracks in division lobbies. Has, with 
his usual thoroughness, gone into figures; finds that, without 
putting on dangerous speed, at least eight minutes would be sived on 
every division ; equal in Session of ordinary duration to nine days. 

Business done. Agricultural Rating Bill read secoad time, 
by 333 votes against 156. 

Friday night There was a Member of the 1874 Parliament who 
made a reputation by concluding his speech with the remark, " And 
now Mr. SPEAKER, I will sit down by saying." To-night, CALDWELL 
beat him hollow. As usual in Committee of Supply, he was well to 
front, saying nothing in speeches of prodigious length. STUART- 
WOHTLEY, in Chair, kept tight grip upon him. 

" I must remind the hon. Member," he said, after CALDWELL had 
been rambling round for twenty minutes, "of the standing order 
against tedious repetition." 

" I was only just finishing up," CALDWELL pleaded. 
" Yes. but you 've long since finished up your audience," responded 
STUART -WORTLEY. This, of course, sotto voce. 

An hour later, he again came in contact with the inexorable Chair. 
Called to order, he shewed disposition to argue point. Rebuked 
with increased sternness, he said, " Of oouree, Mr. STUART-WORTLEY, 
I am perfectly willing to sit down upon the print." 

"Such sinful, lavish, extravagance," said SARK, really affected. 
" It was the only point in his remarks, and he sat upon it ! " 
Business done. Votes in Supply. 



MAT 16, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



229 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

The Yellow Book has reached 
its ninth volume, and appears in 
the merry, merry spring - time 
with a new front cover and title- 
page by Mrs. PERCY DEABMEB; 
which name I would re - write 
" Mrs. Per se DREAMER," for the 
designs are of that grotesque, 
fantastic stuff that dreams are 
made of. Inability to admire them 
is my loss somehow. E. H. 
NEW'S " Stanstead Abbots" ia 
delight f al. "We know that ty pic il 
old-fashioned village, be it called 
by any other name. Mr. J. E 
SOUTHALL'S "Night" (dated 1894) 
is as bard in drawing as it ia to 
understand. "Why should a female 
with classically bound hair and 
white classic drapery, surrounded 
by signs of the zodiac, all white 
on a grey ground, be the repre- 
sentative of "Night" ? Unless 
the artist intended us to under- 
stand that, though he was showing 
a drawing light-liated, he was 
yet " keeping it dark." 

" Oh where are the pipas of 
Pan?" asks Mr. RICHABD LE 
G-ALLIENNE, in his " Four Prose 
Farcies." At certain corners of 
certain streets, at certain times, 
Mr. LE GALLIENNE may hear the 
pipes of Pan with drum accom- 
paniment, and may witness the 
performance of the immortal 
drama of Signer PUNCINELLO and 
his GIULIA translated into right 
good English of the " Stratford- 
-atte-Bow kind." Then shall RICHARD 
(LE GALLIENE) be himself again, and, 
returning to his home, shall he write, in 
bis own inimitable style, the true story of 
Punch and Judy. 

"What has the Baron to say of The Saveloy 
no, beg pardon, The Savoy No. 2, for 
April, edited by ABTHUB SYMONS, and 
illustrated by one AUBREY BEABDSLEY - 
WEIBDSLEY ? Wonderful most won- 
derful I "But as it takes my breath 
away," says the Baron, " and paralyzes 
my writing hand, I am compelled to reserve 
my criticism." 

No wise collector will fail to secure for 
his library Mr. TUBE'S most complete, ex- 
haustive, and exhausting History of the 




A BlCYCUC AS YOU CAME 
I SAW A MAN SIT UNO AT THK BOTTOM OF THK HlLL 



MENDING AN OLD UMBRELLA I " 



Horn-book, in two volumes, 
edition de luxe. The account 
is most interesting, illustrating 
history, and bringing the reader 
in touch with the new - born 
yearning for " something popu- 
lar to read," and for that 
craving for news of the dav which 
has been developing in England 
since the fourteenth century, and 
is not likely to be satis! led until 
centuries themselves have passed 
out of all record of time. To a 
hint in Punch," says Mr. TUEB 
in a prefatial note, are due the 
real horn-books, &c. , stowed away 
in the cover of this work." 

Mr. Punch is delighted to have 
been thus taken at his word, and 
hereby heartily congratulates Mr. 
TUER on the highly satisfactory 
result of his labour as exhibited 
in the present volumes issued by 
the Leadenhall Press. 

THE BABON. 



"LABBY" REFLECT I Mr. LA- 
HOUCHERE, M.P., desires that the 
Chartered South African Com- 
pany should have no more power 
than that possessed by a Tyre 
Wheel Association, and. he also 
insists on the extinction of 
RHODES. Now of what possible 
use would a bicycle enterprise be 
without roads ? 




HIGHLY PROBABLE. There is 
a strong monarchical and impe- 
rial feeling against bicyclists. It 
is not unlikely that from the Most Exalted 
Quarter will be issued a manifesto denounc- 
ing all practical bicyclists, without excep- 
tion, as causing so many revolutions. 



WHY BAR ANY? Mr. BUNCOMBE, M.P., 
is introducing a Barmaid's Bill to the House 
of Commons. Without any trouble he could 
also collect a Barmaid's DICK, TOM, HABBY, 
JIM, BOB, TED, and even PEBCY. Speci- 
mens on view all over the country. 

PARADOXICAL. There were no fireworks 
during the North Abeidonian election con- 
test | yet the result was, in the main, due 
to Pine-technics. 



CHARITY COVERS A MULTITUDE OF- CUPIDS. 

SCENE A Conservatory. TIME The Ball in Aid of the Disabled 
Dustmen at the commencement of the London season. EDWIN 
and ANGELINA discovered in earnest conversation. 

Angelina (softly). It is so sudden I I really cannot give an 
answer now. 

Edwin (with fervour). But this is the only opportunity we have 
for discussion, unless by some lucky chance you and your people 
are going to the theatricals for the Octogenarian Organ Grinders. 

Angelina (reluctantly). Yes, we shall be there. _But then at an 
amateur performance it is so difficult to be confidential. 

Edwin. I understand you. Well, then, shall we not meet at the 
dance organised for the assistance of the Convalescent Charwomen ? 

Angelina. I suppose so. We go year after year. But I should 
rather have a little more time. You are so impatient. 

Edwin (earnestly). Yes, for my fate depends upon your reply. 
Well, then, there is the Bereaved Batket Makers on Tuesday week. 

Angelina. Yes, but again we may be disturbed ; and it is 
possible we may not come. Papa says the charity was exposed in 
Veracity. 

Edwin. Well, ate you going to the " At Home " of the Poor Piano 
Players ? 

Angelina. Again, I feai, we shall not. The benefaction was 
exposed, so my father told me, in that most excellent musical journal, 
The Lyre. 



Edwin (wounded). I believe you are laughing at me I You are 
making excuses because you do not wish to save me from despair ! 

Angelina (seriously). You wrong me ! And to show you that I do 
not deserve your reproaches, I will give you a fixture. What are 
you doing on Thursday fortnight ? 

Edwin. Nothing. But if you keep me longer in suspense, I 
will not answer for the consequences. 

Angelina (smiling). Foolieh fellow I But you shall have my 
answer then. We are going to a function appropriate to the 
occasion the Festival of the Melancholy Monomaniacs. But see, we 
are separated. [Enter ANGELINA'S People, and Curtain. 



SOBTES SHAKSPEABIAN^; AGAIN. 

" PASTING is such sweet sorrow ! "This forebodes 
BULL'S sorrow at the Parting of the RHODES ! 



IDEA OF SHAREHOLDERS IN COMPANY STABTLNG TO RENOVATE 
BICYCLE TIRES. That they will re-lire with a fortune. 



SITE FOE HOME FOB UNMUZZLED DOGS. Muzzle (i.e. Muswell) 
Hill. 

AN "EXPLOSIVE" CABINET. The Melinite Ministry. 



VOL. ex. 



230 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



| MAT 16, 1896. 




ft * Ty 



'A MOTHER OF THREE." 



t" Unless prevented by unforeseen circumstances, Mr. BALFOUR will take the Agricultural Relief Bill, the Education Bill, and the Irish Land Bill, 
in succession. It is hoped that all three measures may be read a second time before w hitsuntide." Daily^ 



MAY 16, 1896.] 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



231 



BOUNDABOUT READINGS. 

, TOM HOOD AS A POET. 

THERE has lately been issued a new edition 
of the poems of THOMAS HOOD, and here and 
there a reviewer has thought it worth hi* 
while to devote a cursory line to the revived 
memory of the dead poet. Some of these 
notices were sympathetic ; some hinted that 
HOOD'S fame, such as it was, rested rather 
on his skits, his word-contortions, and his 
playful fooling, than on his serious efforts : 
and one went BO far as to quote a beautiful 
verse from the " The Haunted House," with 
the surprising comment that " this sounds 
strange at the present day." Very few, 
however, seemed to think that the compilers 
of bis poems (my edition bears date 1857) 
were justified in the belief, which they ex- 
pressed in their short and touching preface, 
" that in any future recital of the names of 
writers who have contributed to the stock of 
genuine English poetry, THOMAS HOOD will 
find honourable mention." 



BUT surely the belief it justified. No man, 
it was said of Oht AY, ever passed over to the 
immortals with a smaller bundle under his 
arm. HOOD'S bundle is almost as small as 
GHAT'S, but, such as it is, it has pasted him 
through into the green fields and happy 
regions just as surely as if he had staggered 
in with a huge load upon his shoulders. He 
has thought and feeling, he has music, he 
has time's creat antiseptic, style ; there is in 
his verse the sense of tears in mortal things, 
there is elevation, there is a deep and sincere 

Siety, and there is the refinement which goes 
and -in -hand with power and insight. 
Where shall you find a better equipment for 
an immortal r 

To write indifferent sonnets is as easy as 
throwing pebbles into the sea ; to write good 
sonnets is a tremendous task, and few are 
those who have performed it, and have been 
able to fix a shining truth or a genuine 
emotion in a perfect setting of fourteen 
musical lines. HOOD'S efforts in this direc- 
tion were all good, and two of them are, to 
my mind, supreme. Take, for example, this 
sonnet on Death : 

It is not death, that sometime in a sigh 

This eloquent breath shall take its speechless flight ; 

That sometime these bright stars, that now reply 

In Sunlight to the Sun, shall set in night ; 

That this warm conscious flesh shall perish quite, 

And all life's ruddy springs forget to flow; 

That thoughts shall cease, and the immortal spright 

Be lapp'd in alien clay and laid below ; 

It is not death to know this, but to know 

That pious thoughts, which visit at new graves 

In tender pilgrimage, will cease to go 

So duly and so oft, and when grass waves 

Over the past-away, there may be then 

No resurrection in the minds of men. 



AND here is my second example, a sonnet 
in the same sad vein of submission to fate 
and circumstance and obliterating forgetful- 
ness : 

SILENCE. 

There is a silence where hath been no sound, 
There is a silence where no sound may be. 
In the cold grave, under the deep, deep sea, 
Or in wide desert where no life is found, 
Which hath been mute, and still must sleep pro- 
found ; 

No voice is hush'd no life treads silently, 
But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free, 
That never spoke over the idle ground : 
Bat in green ruins, in the desolate walla 
Of antique palaces, where Man hath been, 
Though the dun fox, or wild hyaena, calls, 
And owls that flit continually between 
Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan, 
There the true Silence is self- conscious and alone, 




Mother of Amateur Photographer. " WHAT AN IDIOTIC GUY YOU 'va MADB YOUB PAPA LOOK 1" 
AmaUw Photographer. "YES, MAMMA DBAB. Bur ISN'T ir LIKX HIM!" 



This kind of thing, no doubt, "sounds 
strange at the present day," but its strange- 
ness is due to the fact that our ears have 
grown unused to the sound of so pure a note, 
struck with so certain a hand. Truly it may 
be said of HOOD in the words of another of 
his own sonnets : 

Yet few there be who pipe so sweet and loud, 

Their voices reach us through the lapse of space : 

The noisy day is deafened by a crowd 

Of undistinguished birds, a twittering race ; 

But only lark and nightingale forlorn 

Fill up the silences of night and morn. 



Bui read, also, "The Haunted House," 
which our pert critic found so strange. Is 
there in all poetry a finer example of mys- 
tery, of eeriness, of midnight feeling in that 
troubled half-sleep, in which strange sounds 
strike upon the startled ear with a sense of 
portent, and the shadows grow and grow 
until they assume ghostly and terrific shapes. 



Unhinged the iron gates half open hung, 
Jarred by the gusty gales of many winters,, 
That from its crumbled pedestal had flung 
One marble globe in splinters. 

***** 

But awfully the truant shunned the ground, 
The vagrant kept aloof and daring poacher ; 
In spite of gaps that through the fences round 
Invited the encroacher. 

For over all there hung a cloud of fear, 

A sense of mystery the spirit daunted, 

And said as plain as whisper to the ear, 

The place is Haunted. 

Bat space fails me, and I must resume the 

consideration of HOOD'S poems on another 

occasion. 

BASHES' HONOUR INDEED^! " The SUL- 
TAN'S" honour (the Grand Cordon of the 
Medjidieh) for M. CAMBON, French Ambassa- 
dor. 

Here is a riddle it were hard to guess ! 
How can one give what he does not possess 'i 



232 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[MAT 16, 1896' 



OUT OF DATE. 

A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD. 

A cobwebby corner in Time's Lumber Room. Leaning 
despondently against the wall is a tall pyramidal form covered 
with withered foliage, with a square aperture in the centre, 
through which a spectral face is dimly visible. On the shelf 
close by is seated a figure in a mask and a paper cocked-hat, 
somewhat carelessly dressed in other respects, and apparently 
lost in meditation, its heai sunk on its breast and its legs limply 
dangling. 
The Pyramid (to itself). Shall I tpeak to him or not ? He 's not 



quite the sort of person I should care to bs intimate with. 

after all, we 've both been 

here some years now, and a 

civil remark doesn't commit 

one to anything. (Aloud.) 

Ahem I Could you tell me 

what month this is, Sir? 

Extraordinary thing, but I 've 

quite forgotten. 

The Mask. Eh ? What 
month P Why, let me see 
one loses count here, but I 
fancy we 're getting near 
November. 

The Pyramid (disap- 
pointed). November ! Surely 
you mean May ? I I 've a 
motive in asking, because I 
well, I've some idea of get- 
ting a company together on 
the First, to go on tour with 
me in my celebrated character 
of " Jack in the Green, or the 
Tree Spirit." I don't know 
if you 're in the profession 
yourself, by the way ? 

The Mask. Is it possible 
that you have never heard of 
my famous impersonation of 
"GuiDO FAWXES," in "the 
Gunpowder Plot that shall 
never be forgot " ? I am 
immense in it, my boy, im- 
mense ! Time was when I 
drove my own donkey- barrow, 
though even in a kitchen chair, 
with the bottom out, there was 
a fire about my rendering of 
the part that But I dare- 
say you 've seen me. 

The Pyramid. I I go out 
so little now. I 'm afraid I 've 
never had the advantage of 
seeing you. When do you er 
give your performance ? 

The Mask. You must be 
more verdant than you look, 
dear boy, or you would I e 
aware that I make my annual 
reappearance every Fifth of 
November by particular de- 
sire, Sir, by particular desire. 



But, 




cuttings about me now which 

wrong. It ' only a shaving. 



I rather think I 've some press- 



Why, if you '11 believe me, the last time I appeared in public (which, 
between ourselves, is more years ago than I care to mention), I wasn't 
recognised, Sir, nobody knew who I was I They took me for some 
pinchbeck politician I always hated Parliament or the Sultan of 
Turkey, or a low murderer, I 'm hanged if I know whom they didn't 
take me for I It annoyed me BO much that I made up my mind to 
retire. I often think now I was too hasty, and I don't say that if 
they were to come and offer me a starring engagement on my own 
terms, give me my fill of fireworks, a new rig out from top to toe 
I 've always been rather a stickler for accuracy in costume one of 
these antomotor cars to take me round, and an escort of Horse Guards, 
I don't eay I mightn't think twice before I said no. But there, I 'm 
not sure ; I never was fond of publicity, and being stared at and 

shouted after, and then, the late hours, and the heat and the glare 

I really don't know if I should 
feel up to facing it all again. 

The Pyramid. I hear the 
Socialists are getting up a May 
Day Demonstration, or some- 
thing. If they were to ask 
me to join, I might. That is,